1. A Brief History of Mankind by Mari Juana
1 | P a g e
A Feminist Brief History of Mankind
By Nancy Louise Lewis
In the beginning, way back before written history, but after female humans had
found a way to end the hair-drag into the caves by cutting their hair short and banding
together in small communities and forbidding the wandering, loner male humans from
entering their villages, abodes and bodies by virtue of strength in numbers, unless and
until they felt like having sex, women worked together to raise their children, all the
while tending the fields of marijuana that surrounded their villages in addition to other
crops they utilized for food. Male humans wandered the earth, seemingly in search of
purpose, impregnating the females who allowed it as they passed through the congregated
women and children. Because they constantly moved on, the males did not, at first, get
the connection between sex and procreation.
In the villages, life was good, generally speaking. The children helped tend the
fields so they could get their share of the herb that was often baked in the brownies and
smoked around the campfire at night. There were mothers everywhere, it seemed, and if
one's own wasn't nearby another would comfort a crying child or nurse a hungry infant
whose mother was ill.
The one fine day, a handful of men standing around flexing their muscles at each
other scratched their matted hair, rubbed their long beards and said to one another, "Ugh,
umph? Rrr, ughhj," meaning, "If we stick around and do just a little work, then we'll own
all these marijuana fields. And everything else. Right?"
"Ughhj," they grunted one by one (meaning "right"), adjusting their loincloths in

2. A Brief History of Mankind by Mari Juana
2 | P a g e
true misogynist fashion and slicking back the stray hairs in an effort to appear more
appealing to the women they were about to seduce out of their livings.
Next, new clubs were acquired by the small band of men in order to remind the
women of how bad it used to be. No threats, mind you.
The women quickly got used to the docile club wielders (kept that way by liberal
amounts of marijuana simmered in the spaghetti sauce), and when the women spoke
down by the river, out of hearing of the men, they allowed as how it was nice to have
help in the fields and with the children and to have a willing and able man about the hut
when they felt like making love. Cleaned up, these guys weren't bad to have around.
"As long as they don't try to tell us what to do," cautioned an older woman.
"Really, Melda, you've seen the baseball bats, haven't you?" replied a caustic
younger female, who was bending to scoop up a handful of water from the brook.
"And my grandmother said that they used to take all the marijuana and sell it off
back in the cave days," remarked a pubescent girl.
But already the men were talking among themselves and deciding that they must
see to it that their huts and shares of the big dope crop went to their male offspring when
they journeyed on to the happyific hash house in the sky, just to assure that these women
didn't get too uppity. You had to admit it was nice just to walk out into the field and not
have to hunt down an unguarded patch to raid. Yes, this could work nicely.
And, it wasn't at all bad to have clean hemp loincloths to put on everyday.
The clubs had been stashed away in corners of the huts, yet the women never
forgot they were there. But in neighboring villages the same process of
gentlemanfictition was going on, and there was now the added fear among the women of

3. A Brief History of Mankind by Mari Juana
3 | P a g e
all the villages that their homes would be attacked by some other band of men who were
never satisfied, no matter how many times a day their raging libidos were quelled, with
what they had; it seemed they all wanted to have their own village and eat the other ones,
too.
Still, the women doted on their men, and it was nice that their sons no longer had
to take on the aspect of masochistic gorillas and set out to distribute their seed elsewhere,
like that Johnny Appleseed the bubbling brook had told them would come one day to
spread Aunt Eve's favorite tree to all the villages, even those they knew not of yet. Yes,
all in all, life was good.
Then, one year, pestilential swarms of mammoth grasshoppers descended upon
the marijuana fields just as the buds were ripening, and what was harvested in their wake
rotted and grew moldy mushrooms on it as it hung from ropes to cure in the huts. Surely
the god of the brook was angry, the women whispered to each other in fear.
Soon, word came from the mountain goats that some fields not too far distant had
been spared, and the men took up their clubs, hitched up their hemp jock straps and set
out in search of a new stash.
"But wait," said one, drawing up short as they raced westward. "Let's just see if
they'll smoke us up, then maybe give us a bud or two to take home."
"No!" shouted the others, stumbling over their comrade. "Better to kill them and
take all they've got."
Thus began the concept of private property, commerce and modern civilization
and the presumed ownership of women by men.
Over the years, the women tried to pass on the secrets of the marijuana to their

4. A Brief History of Mankind by Mari Juana
4 | P a g e
daughters, how it could be used to cure all sorts of ailments, but the men, certain that the
voice that had cried out to them in the wilderness (and you just couldn't ignore that
flaming sequoia) saying that a woman would be born who would put an end to the
fighting they'd come to enjoy so  the butchery, the rapes  panicked and burned the
women's books and forbade them to gather more around the fires and at the brook, lest
they find ways to communicate the wisdoms of the past to their sisters and daughters.
Meanwhile, in other parts of the civilized world, other voices had been heard: the
birds had foretold that if men didn't shape up and put an end to the warring, the god of the
brook would usher in a flood to end all floods.
But it was no longer just about the smoke; the fight had become a raison d'etre for
the men, who clearly didn't have enough to do  just lazing around the hut day after day,
being waited upon by the women, barking out orders to the poor kids.
"Maybe if we hide all the bales (of marijuana)," said one man, trying to be
rational, "then the damn women won't be able to commune with the water god anymore,
and eventually they'll just get used to being raped and killed."
"Good idea," said one of his buddies.
"Better yet, make it illegal," said another.
"Mphh, mphh," nodded the others.
And so it was done. No longer did the women and children gather at the campfire
each night to imbibe a bit of God's medicine, and communications, such as they were,
broke down completely, between the women and between them and their offspring.
But the women never got used to the idea of being raped and killed, and they
whispered the secrets of the past to each other, whenever they were able. Books were out

5. A Brief History of Mankind by Mari Juana
5 | P a g e
of the question for passing along the age-old information; they had been banned by what
we will consider the first bad cops in history  a roaming band of men who raided
villages for such contraband from the hands of women.
"Let's convince them to form a government and then we'll take positions of
authority," mused a wise woman one day down by the silent brook.
"Then we can put an end to this slaughter once and for all," said another, who had
once served as witcheress for the women of that village, at least until the men began to
threaten to burn her at the bush.
Word had filtered from neighboring villages that, elsewhere, things were worse:
the requirement that women wear bras; the banning of the nursing of infants out of
jealousy; the introduction of new milking machines whose udders were slung beneath
their bellies; a new industry that featured women who, in desperation for want of the
necessaries, would pose nude pathetically and prophetically next to the earliest trains and
do any number of other obscene and lewd acts for a joint or two or for food for their
children; popery.
And everywhere, it seemed, women were being forced to do most of the work,
while the upper echelon of the men sequestered themselves in governmental (for allowing
women to participate in the government had never caught on, exactly, even though it had
been their idea) huts and hired secretaries to bring them coffee.
And then it came about that the god of the brook was so angered by what men
had wrought that he (or so they believed) ordered airplanes by way of the god of willow
trees to crash into the towering edifices men had erected to hold the abundance of
marijuana they hoarded, to drive up its price. And he loosed spores of an infectious

6. A Brief History of Mankind by Mari Juana
6 | P a g e
disease upon the populace, hidden in the mail, and damned to everlasting waterfall those
who did not believe that a god could have this kind of power.
But the women knew from whence came these afflictions, and they went to the
brook, one by one, so as not to be discovered, and spoke with the fish that had swallowed
one of the village children in earlier times, thinking that it swam on the right hand of the
brook god.
"Tell us what to do," they pleaded, and the fish prophetically flopped up on the
shoals and proceeded to turn red, then dead. And a bear came and gobbled up the fish,
and then the women knew, for they had seen the sign: the stock market would crash, and
all the king's horses and all the king's men wouldn't be able to put the salmon roe back
into the brook again.
NOW WE HAVE COME full circle, and men are again, by and large, roaming
the earth impregnating women, but since the patriarchy long ago wrested the wealth of
the world from women, many men do not stick around to help raise the children; instead,
they find surreptitious ways to participate in the patriarchy's riches without having to
contribute money to the women to raise these children.
As we have noted, men belatedly learned of the connection between sex and
procreation, and for some  many, we think  the meaning of fatherhood has to do with
a paternity test, while for women by and large, "motherhood" represents decades of hard
work and devotion. To these kinds of men, the patriarchy, perhaps unintentionally,
becomes a partner in crime.
Many women have turned to prostitution and other sexual endeavors in order to
raise their children and obtain educations for themselves and their children, and their

7. A Brief History of Mankind by Mari Juana
7 | P a g e
fathers turn over in their graves and wish that their daughters had been buried alive with
them in order to avoid this fate that as men they never intended.
But the patriarchy now has a life of its own, beyond the control of the visionary
men who would like to see these patricities done away with. The patriarchy is now, as
the poet Robert Pinsky says in "The Figured Wheel," an interlocking system of wheels of
steel imprinted with dicta grinding everything in its path, including men.
We prefer to visualize it as a huge pile of high black boots, likewise stamped with
dicta.
Some men are tired of watching the killing of women and children and other men,
and they wish there were a way to go back in time and recapture some of the
egalitarianism that existed in the old, old days before the patriarchy got greedy in regard
to the marijuana, and every other thing of value.
Money, which is only a commodity and stands for nothing of real value any
longer, except that which is hoarded by the patriarchy, controls everyone and every thing
in the world. And there is just no way to tell whether money one has in one's possession,
either literally or figuratively, is clean or dirty. They started laundering it, but they forgot
to include the women in this chore (Thanks, guys. We mean it), by and large, because
one function of the patriarchy is to keep a good portion of the female population in
subjection which necessitates the right percentage of the women doing exactly what any
good patriarchy demands: sex for money.
Now, there is a new communications system that has taken over the world, and it
offers all kinds of amenities to its users: across the Internet, it is possible to: add one to
three inches to your penis; give your woman multiple orgasms (but not men, apparently);

8. A Brief History of Mankind by Mari Juana
8 | P a g e
and view all kinds of perverted acts, including the rape of women and other atrocities,
including but not limited to, sex with children.
On the black market video front, it is possible to purchase films of women being
sexually molested and murdered. This is called "snuff porn" and usually features a
woman purchased from some Third World country just for the purpose.
Meanwhile, God, having duly warned humanity what will happen to any society
that prostitutes its daughters, in Leviticus, is looking askance at the world (because He
can't bear to look at it head on) and has sought help and advice from Mother God, who
has assured Him that none of these innocent victims feel any pain, it having been washed
away by the rain in advance, since the Divine Couple know the future, before the souls
are stored, and the only real damage being done is to the souls of those men who
participate in the evil.
As Mother God stokes up the bong for Father God, She says, "Dear, dear, and
they've made this wonderful substance that we put on Earth to help, illegal. Does that
make sense to you, dear?"
Father God takes a long toke, then shakes his head in the negative before exhaling
l-o-n-g and HARD.