How to catch (or kill) a lion and other stories

How to catch (or kill) a lion andHow to catch (or kill) a lion and
other storiesother stories
“If you can't laugh at yourself every once in a while, then you aren't
allowed to laugh at other people”.
Note:
In a world which seems to take offence at the slightest, I present one day at work
- full of fun. Mostly the fun, was at my expense !
It started with my mail to the team of HR personnel, which included copies to the
training team and my superior. What followed, was a laughter riot. 

How to catch (or kill) a lionHow to catch (or kill) a lion
and other storiesand other stories
Note:
This presentation is to address recent and not so recent acts, which have offended
various sections/societies - across the world. Although we need to be sensitive to
others, the world would be a better place – only if we learnt, to laugh at ourselves!
The presenter, does not seeks to offend.
Apologies, if any part of the presentation is found offensive.
The Individuals mentioned in the following slides, are ‘real people’ of repute.
The 1st
mail is a representation, of widely available version of the joke (links below) and
like many others, I found it in my mail box.
http://www.funtoosh.com/jokes/indian_jokes/330
http://bjornsmaths.blogspot.in/2005/11/how-to-catch-lion-in-sahara-desert.html
http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/89q3/lions.552.html
https://in.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090627061523AAGQ742
The individuals who wrote the mail to me, remain very dear to me and I seek their
exoneration; for publishing their mailed response, without their explicit permission.
Their mails are being published ‘as is’, with minor corrections.

From: Harsh Vardhan
Sent: Friday, March 07, 2008 5:16 PM
To: Training India
Subject: How to Catch a LION (Time to laugh heartily)
HOW TO CATCH A LION
Newton 's Method: (Great American scientist,
famous for ‘Theory of Gravitation’)
Let, the lion catch you.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Implies ,you caught the lion!
Einstein Method: (Great American scientist, famous
for ‘Theory of Relativity’)
Run in the direction opposite, to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster………………..
and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap, it easily!

Software Engineer Method:
(IT Geeks)
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven - that it’s a lion.
If anyone comes back with concerns, tell that you will upgrade it to lion!
Indian Police Method:
(Needs no explanation)
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it, to accept that its a lion!
Rajnikanth Method :
(Doyen of Indian cinema, famous for playing super hero roles)
Keep warning the lion, that you may come and attack anytime.
The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself!

Jayalalitha Method:
(Thespian turned politician, famous for being heavy handed)
Send Police Commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM …..
……and kill it, while it's sleeping !
Manirathnam Method:
(India movie director, famous for movies on varied sensitive themes)
Make sure the lion does not get sun light ………
…..and put the lion in a dark room, with a single lit candle.
Keep murmuring something, in its ears.
The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide!

Karan Johar: Method
(Hindi movie director, famous for making great romantics)
Send a lioness into the forest.
Our lion and lioness fall in love, with each other.
Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.
First lion loves, the first lioness and the second lion …………………
loves the 2nd
lioness, however the 2nd lioness loves - both lions.
Now send another lioness (3rd), into the forest.
You don't understand this right... ok....read it after 15 yrs,……..
…………then too, you wouldn’t!
Late Yash Chopra method:
(Hindi movie director, famous for making great romantics)
Take the lion to Australia or the U.S..
………….and kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda method:
(Hindi movie actor/politician, famous for his dancing skills)
Continuously dance before the lion, for 5 or 6 days.
The lion will die, dazed!
Menaka Gandhi method:
(Famous Indian Animal’s Rights activist and politician)
Save the lion from a danger and ………………………………
…………….feed him with some vegetables continuously.
The lion will refuse food and starve to death!
George W. Bush Jr. method:
(Ex. President, USA, famous for the Iraq war)
Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!

Ravi Shastri method:
(Ex. Indian cricketer of note and current cricket administrator,
famous for having once batted the opposition - to death, due to boredom).
Ask the lion to bowl at you.
You bat for 200 balls and score 1 run
Lion get’s tired and surrenders !

From: Sidharth Sharma
Sent: Friday, March 07, 2008 6:10 AM
To: Harsh Vardhan
Subject: RE: How to Catch a LION (Time to laugh heartily)
That was really great Harsh, but I believe you missed one important way:
Harsh 's Method:
Make an overview.
Analyze your ’performance objective’, work out ‘what must be done,’ ‘what should be
done’, and ‘what could be done’ - to catch the lion!
Make sure the plan is reliable and valid (valid in terms of content, face, construction
and predictive).
Keep in mind *’The Halo Effect’, *‘Hawthorn Effect’, *‘Stereotyping’ and *‘Error of
Leniency’.
Prepare a VAK (Visual, Auditory & Kinesthetic) model for better understanding of the
plan.
Now we are sure that “only God alone, can save the poor thing (the lion) now”!
Please don’t take it otherwise, just a joke, thanks for the GREAT ONE.
* Refers to various effects related to behavioral change.

From: Harish Jaipal
To: Harsh Vardhan
Harsh’s Method (Part 2):
Invite the lion to play CHESS.
Discuss the following with the lion:
WHERE chess was invented?
WHO invented chess?
HOW was it invented?
WHICH were the conditions, under which it was invented?
WHAT were the effects of chess on human civilization - once it was invented?
And of course WHEN was it invented?
Take at least one hour - to cover each point!
If you want, you can break it into sessions.

From: Harish Jaipal
To: Harsh Vardhan
Harsh’s Method (Part 2) continued:
If the lion is from Northern India, you can ask ‘direct questions’.
If the lion is from Gujarat (state in western India) … make sure you coochie coo (baby
talk) with the lion after every question…. so that he doesn’t feel bad, about the
questions being asked!
By now … you will be able to see that the lion is tired of thinking … take it as a ‘buying
signal’ and go for a kill with more ‘information download’.
Tell the lion how Vishwanathan Anand* is the best from India, in the sport of chess.
Tell him how Gary Kasparov* was defeated by a computer in the 90’s and about his
comments, after getting defeated by a computer!
* Anand, Vishwanathan & Kasparov, Gary are famous world chess champions.

From: Harish Jaipal
To: Harsh Vardhan
Harsh’s Method (Part 2) continued:
Now the final nail in the lion’s coffin … give lion the information about all the moves in
the game of chess and how has it helped you to understand you customers (internal
and external) better.
If you still find the lion breathing his last … (just to complete the task of killing him) use
the BRAHMASTRA (Weapon of Gods) and ask …ARE WE DOING (understanding chess)
IT?
LION WILL NOT ONLY DIE, HE WILL PRAY - NOT TO BE REBORN, EVER AGAIN! 
And make sure that you DOCUMENT every step that you undertook in killing the lion,
as you could use it to kill other lions as well!
Hey Harsh … Thanks for enabling us to kill a lion … when others can’t even kill a cat.
You’re the BEST!!!

From: Nisarg Brahmbhatt
Sent: Saturday, March 08, 2008 2:34 AM
To: Harsh Vardhan; Training India
AWESOME team!! After a long tiring day, I had a blast! 
I guess, one more method –
*Boyce’s method:
o Run a **Paul Grubber V&A video to entice lion.
o Then take over V&A training himself.
o Ask lion to pronounce “S” and “Sh” properly, in the American accent.
o If he can’t do that, then frighten him by shouting at him!
o By the evening lion will loose his voice and be ready to surrender without saying a
word!! 
* Boyce, Oorvokx is a V&A (U.S. and U.K. - Voice and Accent )trainer of repute and headed the V&A team with
the organization, at the time.
** Grubber, Paul is a U.S. V&A, Master Trainer and certifies V&A training.

From: Rajendra Chowdhary
Sent: Friday, March 07, 2008 9:38 AM
To: Harsh Vardhan
Awesome work……just wanted to add another innovative method.
Harsh's Method (part 3)
•Prepare an Agenda.
• Set forth a Curriculum.
• Measure the need to catch the lion.
• Quantify the need.
• And finally confirm with the lion……whether WE HAVE AN AGREEMENT ON THIS?
The lion would have surrendered by now! 

Moral of the story – “God invented mankind, because he loved silly stories”. -Ralph
Steadman.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right
moment”. - Horace
“Anyone who takes himself too seriously, always runs the risk of looking ridiculous;
anyone who can consistently laugh at himself, does not”. - Vaclav Havel
The presenter, seeks not to sermonize.
The mails are cherished for their content and lessons learned.
The presenter had been conducting ‘TTT’ (Train The Trainer) program just before the
chain mail sequence.
Many of the respondents, were part of the group being trained.
The phrases being quoted, were the ones I was given to repeat often!
While I value/valued their encouraging response, this made me look inwards and take
some corrective measures.

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