3. iii
I
thank every person whose story is told in this book. The
stories depict our African struggles and provide a starting
point for Africans to talk and to solve their real problems.
As for the men, I would like to thank one man, my father. If
my father was not an example of a “loving African man” then
I would not have written this book for I would never have
knownagoodman.Iwouldhavebelievedthesayingthat“men
are just like that - bad”. Because of my father, I have the power
to stand up and say, “NO to the abuse of others especially
women and children”. The loving role my father plays to his
wife and his daughters, makes me realise that indeed any man
can choose to be a good man. In my father, I have realised that
contrary to what has been said, men are not weak individuals
born without self control. Every man has the power of choice.
Men are adults who can choose responsibility. Every man can
choose to be a good man, who is loving in all respects.
As for the women, firstly, I thank my mother for saying,
“Ngarichipublishiwa mhani book racho taneta nekumirira isu
(publish the book we have waited enough)”. I also thank my
mother for helping me with the pseudo names in this book; at
4. iv
Loving The African Man
least I had a good laugh. I further thank all the women who
shared their stories with me. I also thank one other woman,
a hero I will not mention by name. I will forever love and
respect this phenomenal and hard working woman.
To every person who edited this book and added their input,
I thank you. Last but not least, I thank those who have dared to
speak on my Facebook page - Chiedza Simbo - and those who
will continue to speak out speak out “in my Facebook group
Talking - Loving The African Man.” My group is a platform for
you to air your views about love among 21st century Africans
and about the book “Loving The African Man”. Kindly posts
your updates as you read the book-keep the discussion going.
5. Acknowledgements
Introduction
Chapter 1: 21st
Century Women
Chapter 2: The Relationship With Self
• Struggle With Gender Versus Equality
• Is The Kitchen A Destiny? No Time For
Household Duties:
• Struggle With His Ego: The Lost And
Confused 21st
Century Male Partner(S)
• Struggle With My Culture, Religion And
My Spirituality
• Should Parents Assist In Choosing A
Partner?
• Who Is Mr Wrong?
• How Do I Handle Society? The Pressure
To Get Married
• Hurried Decisions: No Patience, A
Woman’s Problem
Chapter 3: The Relationship With Him: The 21st
Century African Man
• His Struggle With The Death Of His
Leading Role In Society
• His Struggle With His Identity Crisis
• His Struggle With His Lack Of Control
Over His Life: Easily Influenced
• His Struggle With His Violence
iii
1
3
10
11
13
15
19
20
21
24
26
31
32
35
36
42
6. • “Ask Him It’s Not Me”: His Dodgy
Relationship With His Anatomy: Not
Accountable!
Chapter 4: Our Fathers, Our Leaders, Our Husbands,
Our Boyfriends
• Loving Defeated Men
• Where Is Their Pride?
Chapter 5: Loving Men: A Societal Responsibility
• It Begins By Unlearning
• The Art Of Tolerance
• Confronting African Men
• Men Should Talk Among Themselves
• Men Should Sympathise And Empathise
With Women
• Men Should Know: Culture Evolves
• Parents: Accept The Changing Face Of
Africa Then Advise Children
Chapter 6: Loving Yourself And Loving African Men
• Forgiveness: The Way To Love
• Seek Help: Love Thyself
• Love The African Dilemma And Move On
• The Power To Say No: Loving Your
Dignity
• Loving Big Sister: For Better Or For Worse
Chapter 7: Loving African Man Is Natural And
Painful
Conclusion
Resources
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7. 1
T
he advent of the 21st
century woman who is educated,
has views and opinions, and can take care of herself
and her family, is causing a great deal of anger and
confusion for men. Women are increasingly becoming hard
to control, making it difficult for men who were brought up
believing they rule women. Socially, culturally, professionally
and financially men have dominated over women. However,
the problem today is that women, like men, are aware of their
rights as human beings. Women are questioning men in the
workplace and at home. The law recognises women as human
beings who are accountable for their actions – hence forcing
women to take control of their destiny.
The woman has challenged the man and invaded his
traditional territories, leaving him unsure of how best to
regain his traditional control. In turn this has resulted in the
man resorting to abuse, manipulation and betrayal in order to
keep the woman in control. This man is hurting women and
hurting his own household, leading to an increase in divorce,
misunderstandings and crimes in marriage/relationships, at
work and in the family.
8. 2
Loving The African Man
Through telling true stories, this book seeks to explain the
traumatic and untold experiences of women in relationships/
marriages with African men. It explains the agony of men
in relationships with what are perceived to be challenging
and uncontrollable women. It unpacks to the woman her
challenges with herself as opposed to those with the African
man. It also unpacks to the man his challenges with himself as
opposed to those with women. After reading this book every
African man and woman must know that the advent of the
21st
century woman has challenged both men and women and
such change must be accepted and managed. Also, contrary
to certain beliefs, 21st
century women are not interfering,
forward, rude or uncontrollable. They are not encroaching or
challenging the traditional authority of men neither are they
affirming or desire to affirm or confirm the traditional view
that men are the first citizens of Africa.
Times have changed. As African men and women we
co-share citizenship in Africa so do we co-share our rights
and responsibilities, burdens and benefits in relationships/
marriages. Reckless behaviour, unchecked promiscuity,
bullying, violence, drunkenness and abuse of women and
children by African men must be confronted by every man
and woman as an unnecessary problem in need of urgent
address. HIV/AIDS, poverty, violence against women, crimes
in marriage, can be overcome by knowing individual and
societal problems and challenges in our African community
as they are depicted in this book. Loving African Men helps
us to see that in the face of the agony of men and women
depicted by real life stories in this book, none of us can afford
to be silent.
9. 3
21
st
Century women are struggling with African
men who refuse to accept their ever evolving
positions within the African society and the global
community. The struggle is worsened by the African woman
who – after realising she needs a man to enable her to live a
more fulfilling life – “bends” herself to the inhuman demands
of the African man to help him preserve his leading role in
society.
The judiciary in many African countries, human rights
activists, churches, academic institutions as well as Non
Governmental Organisations have been leaders in pioneering
the liberation of women. These institutions have strongly
taught against domination, abuse and exploitation of women,
advocating that men love their wives as they do themselves,
and treat them as they treat themselves.
The shift to an equity based approach to relationships
between men and women is still strongly viewed by a number
of African men as unacceptable and a threat to their African
cultures. Independent women are seen as threatening to
traditional African male domination. Such a view is so strongly
10. 4
Loving The African Man
entrenched in their mindset that it incorporates the educated
and the uneducated, the rich and the poor and even wreaks
havoc in many families. There is fear among African men
that the independence of women will soon eradicate what is
termed as “African cultural practices” including polygamy,
man’s unchecked promiscuity, drunkenness, and violence
towards women.
Today men largely feel threatened by women as education,
Western culture, Christianity and the law seem to give them
equal power to men. Some African men believe their “African
culture”1
should be kept as it allegedly recognises them as
superior beings, while women and children are just secondary
citizens needing protection and guidance in society.
Education is not having the same impact on men and
women in the African society. While education is meant to
lead to economic empowerment and social emancipation,
giving the once silenced and dominated African woman the
power and a voice in the African society, it seems to have
resulted in the man seeing the educated woman as a threat to
his kingship rather than a companion. As the rate of educated
women in Africa increases, so too does the rate of single and
divorced educated women.
Despite his education the African man threatens not to
marry, or to divorce the independent woman if she does not
behave according to his expectations. These are the issues I
have extensively discussed with friends – particularly Kate –
for the last six months in her journey to find hope and healing
1
The word is in quotation marks because culture has evolved and there is
a need to discuss what the African culture is.
11. 5
21st
Century Women
after a painful breaking off of her engagement with her fiancé
Welsh. I met Kate during my summer holidays in Mauritius
where she and Welsh were also holidaying. I enjoyed a long
conversation with this couple at the beautiful beach in Grand
Bay – they seemed to be a perfect match for one another.
Two black young South Africans who had just finished their
postdoctoral Degrees and were looking forward to a happy
marriage in the next six months. It was a refreshing experience
to be around these two beautiful people who had embraced
the educational opportunities given them and were a prime
example of a modern day couple going places. I had planned
to attend their wedding in South Africa but three months after
the holiday I received an email below from Kate.
Dear friend,
I hope you had a wonderful journey back home. It has been a while
since we wrote to each other. I just wanted to inform you about the
cancellation of our wedding and my break up with Welsh. It has
been a rough three months for me since our vacation in Mauritius. I
have failed to deal with Welsh’s controlling and abusive behaviour. I
did my best to keep him happy, but in return I was beaten, verbally
abused, insulted, cheated on, the list goes on. I have complained to
the women in my life, they say I should hang in there. They say it’s
also not easy for them to be with a man. They say African “men are
like that” – abusive, uncaring and everything bad and unlawful they
do is part of our culture. Is it the same with you my friend? Are you
going through the same abuse? I decided I could never live like that
for the rest of my life. Let’s talk on the phone, please call me at my
office.
12. 6
Loving The African Man
By the way, as for Welsh’s father Senzo? I cannot begin to explain
how badly he treated me. He called me “interfering, forward and
westernised”, whatever that means, I do not know my friend.
Regards,
Dr Kate
The above email was heartbreaking. Discussions kept going
on between Kate and myself. The factors that led to her break
up with her fiancé where interesting because I had heard them
a million times before from my other girlfriends and sisters in
relationships with African men. I had read about these issues
in newspapers from different African countries. I had seen
these issues being discussed on TV. As a lawyer I had studied
court cases and had been personally involved in some similar
cases. I had seen African presidents dragged back and forth
in courts by women because of the same issues. I had seen
cartoons, drawings and pictures of influential and respectable
African men struggling with the same issues. I had female
relatives who had told me stories with tears in their eyes. I
had heard these heartbreaking stories at so many levels and
forums.
All my girlfriends from different African countries have
raised a lot of relationship problems that affect women in
relationships in this 21st
century. Kate’s story compelled me
to write down the struggles of women in relationships with
African men. Kate’s story made me analyse African men more
deeply and I realised that contrary to what might be believed,
the African man is not tacky, manipulative, scheming or a child.
The African man is a struggling adult in need of urgent help.
13. 7
21st
Century Women
This book is therefore anchored on the real life story of Kate
and her fiancé Welsh. Kate’s experiences, coupled with the
experiences of other women, will illustrate the struggles we
have with African men who refuse to accept the women in
their lives as equal, reasonable and independent people, with
their own personal views, objectives and opinions which need
to be respected.
Given the privilege I have had to travel across borders in
Africa, attend an international university as well as work in
a foreign country, I have mingled and made friendships with
African women across the African continent. Their stories
unite in explaining the struggles of these women with the men
in their lives. On Facebook comments from some African men
insisted women should do what is termed their “traditional”
household duties and respect men, while some African women
insisted that, “One can only do the best. Yes, I can come home
after work and cook, clean the sink no problem, but when it
comes to listening and respect he has to work on doing the
same. Respect is earned not given.”
One woman insisted that, “If I want to and if I can afford
to have someone do the household chores I will look for
someone. My hubby must be my friend. The man should not
let the wife do all the chores, he should chip in because it is
not like they are the only ones going to work, isn’t it?” One
African man responded by saying, “Let me be quiet, some
women now want to be men.” Another woman responded by
saying, “If you cannot do your traditional household chores as
an African woman or respect a man as the head of the family
no one will marry you. I wonder if the women responding
here are even married?”
Yet another woman responded to her saying, “What
14. 8
Loving The African Man
happened to ‘for better or for worse’? If a woman can cook
why can’t a man cook? African men need to learn to love,
cherish and respect their wives. She’s your partner not your
slave. Men must also listen to their wives just as wives listen
to them, and most of all stay faithful to your wives. Don’t
mistreat her yet expect her to treat you with kindness. She’s a
human being with feelings.”
A further response from a woman was, “The problem is
that some women also believe men own them. I remember
having a heated discussion at work about it being acceptable
for men to cheat because ‘African men are just like that’. A
colleague then said if hubby gets a girlfriend, she will also
get one, at which point she was told off by everyone present.
Should she just accept it and not leave him?”
Another woman said, “Imagine, you have to please the man
so that he pays school fees for his own children, buys bricks
to build your home. If you are independent, finding a man
is almost impossible. But thank God there are a few men out
there who are not intimidated by strong women – sadly they
are a minority, but to the brothers who believe in marriage as
a ‘partnership’ and not ‘ownership’, hats off to you and may
you educate others.”
Anadditionalcommentfromawomanwas,“Ifinditahassle
to see you going through a divorce just because she can’t cook.
This is why you all should do your research before you seal
the deal – it would save you time and money and you would
find exactly what you want and need. What does it mean to
say a person cannot cook anyway?” Regarding the publication
of a book that discusses relationships among Africans in the
21st
century, some women said, “Hope the book will inspire us
because men are a big problem”, “Firstly I would like to thank
15. 9
21st
Century Women
you sis for the good work. I strongly believe that this book will
be of great help to every woman in the world. Love you all
ladies out there and do not give up no matter what challenges.
We can make it and change the world”, “Thank you this should
maybe assist in solving some of my unanswered questions”,
“Thank you. In this fast changing society, we need referrals
on African men.” Whilst some African men seemed sceptical
and passed negative comments, a few of them acknowledged
the problems we have in African relationships and hoped the
book would help Africans find amicable solutions without
siding with one gender.
In the next chapters, through telling real life stories, the
book discusses the challenges faced by 21st
century African
men and women in relationships and maps a possible way
forward at individual and societal level.
16. 10
I
n the world today there are so many African women who
are now breadwinners of families, asset owners, academics,
politicians and businesswomen. The liberation movement
saw the formation of independent democratic states in Africa.
To a larger extent Africa has moved far beyond the notion that
only males have human rights. The human rights discourse
has been warmly welcomed in Africa.
Women now enjoy the right to equality and the right to
education together with men. Education has generally played
a huge role in making women independent. Despite this,
industrialisation has also seen females being pushed into
formal employment and operating in the same environment as
men thereby empowering the women. Also, due to men often
shirking their family’s responsibilities and sometimes even
abandoning their families for work far from home or for other
women, women have been forced into single motherhood and
left to fend for themselves, which definitely requires them to
be breadwinners thereby pushing them to get jobs.
Amid women empowerment are personal struggles that
come with being an independent woman in the African society
17. 11
The Relationship With Self
– a society that does not seem ready to accept the changing
image of a woman today. “Independent African woman” is a
term that depicts a scary black woman who is educated and
far from the sensitive woman she is expected to be. Women
stand confused between trying to maintain the sweet tender
image, and the need to be strong and independent. Let’s look
at some of the issues 21st
century women struggle with.
Struggle With Gender Versus Equality
The sharp distinctions between the roles of males and females
in Africa and perhaps the world at large leave women not
knowing where they are with themselves. Welsh always said
that Kate behaved like a man. She was a man wrapped in a
female body because she fixed the DVD and the iron. He said
the fact that she presented conference papers to men and sat
with men in the boardroom did not mean she was a man and
he constantly reminded Kate of this. Kate fixed the car when
it broke down.
Despite the fact that Welsh did not know how to change the
car wheels and she did, he felt that he was left no role to play in
their relationship. He accused Kate of familiarising herself with
male duties, yet there were dirty dishes in the kitchen sink that
Kate was not taking care of. According to Welsh, Kate always
found time to do every role designated for males but had no
time to do what females must do; a situation which always
forced Welsh to end up washing dishes and cooking. Welsh
felt like Kate was competitive and intrusive, always wanting to
prove a point to him that she could do what he could do or even
surpass him. He felt she thought she was a man.
18. 12
Loving The African Man
So Kate asked me, “Am I male? Where is my place in society?
Who am I?” These questions look so simple but they may be
the reasons behind the rampant violence and hate crimes
against women in Africa. Amid constant and fast change,
it might be the stereotypes of male and female roles as well
as the expectations of real manhood and femininity that are
confusing the African society, angering men and leading them
to mistreat their female partners over disputes regarding their
respective roles in a relationship. Such roles being merely
stereotypes dictated to us by society.
Recently in Washington, USA, a Zimbabwean man was
accused of killing his wife over dirty dishes and trying to
burn her remains. He was convicted of murder. The story was
reported on New Zimbabwe.com on the 25th of August 2012.
Far from his native country of Zimbabwe, staying in the so-
called centre of human rights, the man forgot about human
rights for his partner and instead was focussed on his own
stereotypes.
Amid gender equality, it is not understandable why dirty
dishes led to the death of a human being. Why did the man
insist that it is the woman who must do the dishes? Why
couldn’t he do the dishes instead of killing her? Kate said
even when Welsh was unemployed he always insisted that
after work she must cook and do the dishes whilst he sat and
watched football, waiting for the meal after a long day of
watching movies. “The story is not new,” she said, “so many
women are dying every day at the hands of a man for failing
to reinforce gender stereotypes within the African society. It
depicts our broken humanity as it is these African societal
stereotypes engraved for years upon the psyche of Africans,
distinguishing clearly between the roles of men and women,
19. 13
The Relationship With Self
that may be the reason why today’s men feel the pressure to
behave like ‘men’ and step up to society’s expectations. Times
have changed. For almost a year, I was going to work whilst
Welsh sat home the whole day waiting for me to bring home
the bacon. After a long day at work looking for the bacon, he
expected me to cook it, serve him and do the dishes afterwards.
It is high time that men and women fulfil all the roles in society
without labelling them as male or female. Equality must be
there in the division of roles in the household.
A female child must not feel pressured to do certain
household duties because they are a girl’s duty. With the
changing times, reinforcing gender stereotypes when a child
is growing up is a physiological game damaging to the child.
It is bound to confuse the child when the world refuses his/
her ideology and forces him/her to perform a task contrary
to his/her reinforced gender stereotypes. Maybe it is at that
point that a person can kill a woman for refusing to wash dirty
dishes.”
Is The Kitchen A Destiny? No Time For Household Duties
African women get educated to professional levels, which
empowers them to independently fend for themselves and
provide for all their needs. With men still holding on to
stereotypes that real women stay in the kitchen, career women
do not unfortunately find enough time to be in the kitchen.
Like men, they also go to work in the morning and come back
tired at the end of the day. Due to the nature of their work
commitments which resemble those of men, career women no
longer have the time to pander to men as they do not spend
20. 14
Loving The African Man
much time on household duties. Consequently, the family
must share the duties in order to create a harmonious and
happy atmosphere.
An option would be for the family to depend on the services
of a maid, which is what many families have done. However,
the fact that the maid in the kitchen is in most cases female,
also reinforces the fact that women belong in the kitchen. This
not only poses a threat to the career woman, but is a constant
reminder to the man that his wife is not adequate until she
belongs in the kitchen.
Rafik, a Tanzanian Swahili lady, went on a date with a guy
who had an undergraduate degree in Science. When he found
out she had a PhD in criminology, he told her she was one
of those women who could not cook. He just assumed that
because she had a doctorate degree she could not manage
the household. The issue of women failing to manage the
household due to career commitments might have actually
contributed to the increasing divorce rate in Africa.
Rafik elaborated on the problem by saying, “African
career women find themselves overburdened by family
responsibilities, which if shared between the husband and
wife would be easy to manage and certainly make families
happier. It is also ironic that men are happy to receive the
financial contribution women make, but at the same time
expect her to continue with household duties after work while
he relaxes with friends in the pub. This is a total expression of
the lack of love and appreciation in African men who expect
women to serve them quietly. This is also the source of all
misunderstandings, fights and divorces in African homes.”
21. 15
The Relationship With Self
Struggle With His Ego: The Lost And Confused 21St
Century
Male Partner(S)
Amid African religious and cultural beliefs that aim to
stereotype women as the weaker sex, how is the African
independent woman supposed to relate to her male
counterpart – at home, in the workplace and in society? Even
though Thandiwe had a diploma in policing from her home
country Swaziland, she struggled for four years to secure a
job in South Africa and her husband who is a teacher in South
Africa always complained that his salary was not enough to
secure a decent life for them. Thandiwe eventually got a job as
a security guard.
Contrary to her expectations, from the time she got a job,
her husband started to treat her badly. He began accusing her
of being disrespectful of him then decided to have an extra-
marital affair, justifying it by saying he felt needed by the
other woman, and the other woman respected him. He said
he felt in control and respected in his new relationship with
a college student while Thandiwe was always taking control
with her endless planning of their finances and future because
of her new salary. Thandiwe’s husband eventually said he
could no longer stand her constant planning and nagging,
and he moved out to stay with the college student, leaving her
with their son to take care of.
“Thefailuretoreinforcethemalesuperiorityinarelationship
with an African male partner is viewed as disrespectful and
embarrassing,” Thandiwe said.
When I told Kate Thandiwe’s story, she recalled one day
when she had walked into Nandos with Welsh and quickly
asked the waitress for tea. The waitress went into the kitchen
22. 16
Loving The African Man
and came back holding a cup with cold tea in her hand which
she gave to Kate. Kate quickly complained that the tea was
cold and asked why the tea was not served in a teapot and
why the waitress did not bring sugar, milk or a teaspoon.
She asked the waitress to take back the tea and try to serve it
properly, in a teapot and on a tray, with hot milk on the side,
sugar and a teaspoon. At that point Welsh walked out and left
Kate in Nandos. He went home.
Kate did not seem bothered. She remained behind and
ordered her meal, ate and went home. When she arrived
home she asked Welsh why he had walked out and left
her. Welsh complained that Kate was too forward. He had
planned to take her out on a date but instead of waiting for
him to order she ordered first and also complained. He said
that Kate should always remember that whatever she did, she
always represented him. This meant that any wrong she did,
affected his standing in society. He felt embarrassed by Kate’s
complaints because the female waitress was his friend and at
some point they had flirted with each other although they had
never dated.
Welsh complained that Kate had a habit of talking too
much without giving him a chance to say anything. He said
Kate was also bossy and bullied the waitress because she was
uneducated. What was important to Welsh was for Kate to
wait for him to take the lead and order and then he would
proceed to help her order as well. What Welsh did not realise
was that Kate was not conscious that he wanted to impress the
waitress. Also, Welsh’s point that the waitress was uneducated
was not obvious to Kate. “There are so many waiters who
are studying towards degrees and diplomas. Other waiters
are recent graduates who are still looking for employment
23. 17
The Relationship With Self
whilst there are even those who are employed persons but
supplementing their income. Although Welsh’s behaviour
was arrogant, at least he walked out of the restaurant leaving
me to enjoy my meal. Some men have killed women who
unconsciously emasculated them,” Kate said.
Kate’s comments reminded me of an African man in
Nigeria who was reported to have killed his girlfriend after he
failed to understand where his girlfriend had got money from
to buy make-up. He beat her so badly he ended up killing
her, then dug a hole in his room and buried her. The police
exhumed the body after neighbours reported a stench coming
from his room and he was arrested. The story was reported
in an internet article titled Nigeria: Heartless, Jealous Lover Kills
Girlfriend, Buries Her In His Room. This story happened in
Nigeria but is common across Africa.
The man, while lacking the means to take care of his
girlfriend, did not appreciate that she could take care of
herself. He was struggling with his ego and his need to be
reinforced as the superior being who was the only provider.
Even though these two people were not married, one is left
wondering why this man thought he was so powerful he
could simply kill his girlfriend. Are African men moved with
the desire for dominance? Across the African continent from
its Southern to its North Western tip we find men behaving in
exactly the same manner, driven by the same spirit of jealousy
and cruelty towards women. In such cases the belief that a
woman is destined for a man’s dependence and servitude
rears its ugly head.
I asked Molefi, a South African man if he felt his ego being
bruisedbyfemaledominanceandcontrol.Herepliedbygiving
a scenario of what had happened at church during Sunday
24. 18
Loving The African Man
service on Mother’s Day. The men had been asked to bring
presents for all the women at church. To his surprise when he
arrived at church there was a woman at the door asking for
all the presents from the men and later on she announced that
men had brought presents and she started giving the presents
to women. Molefi said he failed to understand what was going
on. How come on Mother’s Day, it was the women who were
addressing men and presiding over everything?
He had been excited with the prospect of addressing
women. To his surprise not a single man was given a chance
to say anything. It was the women who gave speeches to the
men. He said, “You know, women have no respect. Maybe this
thing is not about respect but how come they ask us to bring
presents and then they do not give us the chance to present
them? It is them who want to control everything. It is like it
is your wedding and you are the master of ceremonies. On
Father’s Day they will dish out the presents to us too, they will
never give a man the role of dishing out presents to other men.
They will say the speeches too. On Valentine’s Day she will
remind you and threaten you if you do not do anything for
her. On her birthday it is the same. How come women want
so much power?”
I talked to Kate about Molefi’s sentiments and observations
and she said, “I remember one day when it was Women’s Day
and the president had been invited to be a guest of honour at
a function. I found it weird and failed to understand why he
had been invited. To me, no man was supposed to be invited.
Molefi’sobservationsareenlightening.Maybetherewasnothing
wrong with inviting the president. Maybe he was supposed to
celebrate women. After all, it was a party to celebrate women
and it was perhaps the men who had to do so.”
25. 19
The Relationship With Self
Struggle With My Culture, Religion And My Spirituality
Women do not seem to be at liberty to control their spirituality
without interference from their spouses and in-laws. Women
are forced to negotiate their religion and spirituality with
men, especially upon marriage. When Zanele, a South African
lady, chose to be a Christian, it posed a challenge because her
husband could not accept her. He thought she had deserted his
family by choosing her own religion as opposed to ancestral
worship. His main problem was that when his family talks
to their ancestors they need everyone to participate. They
constantly brewed beer and slaughter a cow for the ancestors,
who need her to be present as well as she is a valuable member
of the family. Zanele had to learn to balance the beliefs of
her family with her own beliefs, and compromised by being
available for traditional practices that she viewed to be anti-
Christian.
The forced dominance of male partners poses challenges
for women. When Sharon, a Zimbabwean girl, got married,
her husband gave her no choice but to change her church. He
said it was inappropriate for him to be seen going to church
alone when he had a wife. His pastor was not going to be
happy because he wanted him to be a preacher and it was not
allowed for him to be a preacher of a church when his wife did
not even attend his church. Many women have been left with
no choice other than to convert to a certain religion in order to
please their husbands and in-laws. It seems difficult for men
to believe that a woman is in control of her own spirituality.
In patriarchal societies where men ask women to marry,
how come a man cannot change or compromise his beliefs or
religion for the love of a woman? Is it not funny that after he
26. 20
Loving The African Man
kneels down and asks your hand in marriage and you agree,
he stands up and demands you to change your beliefs for his
sake?
For Kate, it was when she was asked to negotiate her faith
that she drew the line. She refused to marry Welsh as long as
he and his parents insisted that she should negotiate her faith
and worship ancestors. Welsh, a self-confessed Christian, had
asked Kate to register to his ancestors before their wedding.
He said he understood that Kate and him were born-again
Christians, but his family would never accept her as a
daughter-in-law if she did not register to their ancestors.
In order to register, Welsh’s family had to slaughter a cow
and a chicken and they would sprinkle the blood on her whilst
they talked to their ancestors and introduced her to them.
They would then take the bile of the cow and she and Welsh
would have to eat it together as a way of joining them.
During my interviews I asked Welsh if he genuinely
believed that ancestors existed as they are dead people. Welsh
said he did not believe that the ancestors really existed which
is why he had chosen to be born-again. However, he also
had to please his family since they believed in ancestors. He
said, “It is not like Kate would lose anything if she did it. She
is just proud and does not listen, which are her two biggest
problems. No man will ever marry such pride”.
Should Parents Assist In Choosing A Partner?
With unemployment soaring among African men I could not
help but notice the involvement Kate’s parents had in her
choice of a spouse. Even if they had never sat her down to
27. 21
The Relationship With Self
explain their choices for her, they had played an advisory role
although in informal conversations. With parents having to
sacrifice so much money to send their daughter to school, they
had big dreams for her. Her parents had dreams that one day
she would be an independent woman – which she is today.
Her parents, especially her father always advised her that she
shouldn’t just marry any uneducated man without a career.
She also should not marry someone who would depend on
her financially for the rest of her life. Her parents warned her
not to marry someone who would suffocate her and be so
controlling that it would become impossible for her to flourish
and be the best she could be in her career as well as her life.
I once watched the TV programme where a mother vowed
that her educated daughter would never be happy with a less
educated man than herself who earns less than her. She tried
to prevent the wedding and later wanted her daughter to
annul the marriage. I have talked to couples who are married
in foreign countries in the absence of their parent’s consent or
knowledge because they feared it would become difficult to
convince their parents that their choice was the right choice.
Who Is Mr Wrong?
Long ago history books depicted a picture where any man
could marry almost any woman, and any woman would
agree to marriage as long as the man was good at convincing
the lady. Today, educated women almost always have a list
of criteria when choosing a man to marry. However, the man
who fits the criteria of an educated woman is proving harder
to find.
28. 22
Loving The African Man
With educated women able to fend for themselves, the
problem is that they operate in an environment that still
reinforces the stereotype that the man is the provider in the
family. Owing to such stereotypes, educated women seem
to want men who earn higher salaries than theirs. If a man
earns a higher salary it becomes easy to help him maintain his
traditional position as provider in the house.
Despite the fact that the number of educated males in Africa
is not very high, the educated man has the option to marry an
uneducated lady. But, the options for the educated woman
are limited, resulting in so many single, educated women
delaying marriage to look for a potential spouse.
WhenIsuggestedtoKatethatshewasabeautiful,intelligent
woman who could get any man she likes, she said, “It is hard
for me to think of marrying someone without an education
and a higher salary than mine. The decision to marry Welsh
was a big compromise, because we were almost on a par
regarding achievements. We both did postdoctoral degrees
and he earned far less than me. I want to marry someone who
is educated and has achieved more than me; someone with a
high paying job or a business that has high returns. Not that
I truly believe a man should have a higher salary, neither
do I subscribe to male dominance and superiority, but then
maybe if he has something material that I do not have, it can
make him more grounded. He will not see me as a threat or
someone who is emasculating him. I am tired of apologising
for my achievements. I just want to marry someone who has
something to be proud of; something I cannot take away from
him or strip him of unintentionally”.
Despite the issues of salary which Kate emphasised,
marrying an educated man is an investment because education
29. 23
The Relationship With Self
does not only bring financial security for the family, but it also
opens the mind to challenge some of the dynamics in society
which can threaten today’s families. Societal stereotypes of
uneducated men also lure educated women towards marrying
only educated men. Uneducated men are seen as weak in
society, losers and failures. Yet, among educated men there
are still so many who are bound by cultural beliefs and see
women as weak individuals even if they are educated. These
African cultural beliefs deny the obvious role of education on
men and women, and also affect the potentials of marriage for
women.
“I love my independence,” Kate said. Kate wants to be able
to speak out about her views without having to apologise for
being female, and does not see herself as weak in any way.
Yet despite modernisation and education, the African man is
still stuck in African cultural beliefs that see Kate as nothing
more than an object of male pleasure and satisfaction. The
woman is not seen as a symbol of power in the African society
but rather as a symbol of weakness and in need of protection.
Evidence of this is seen in some political and church meetings
in societies when chairs are left for the males while women
sit on the floor. In churches men are few, yet they take the
leading roles.
In the workplace men still occupy many seats in the
boardroom and the views of females are often not taken
seriously. The political field is still dominated by men. The
woman voice is still far from being a powerful authentic
voice. Women in positions are viewed to have gotten there
due to affirmative action and not because they have proved
themselves capable. Kate said she almost feels like she needs to
work twice as hard as a man to be in the same position as him.
30. 24
Loving The African Man
How Do I Handle Society? The Pressure To Get Married
History books state that historically, marriage of women in the
African society was sometimes meant to ensure that women
had someone to support them financially. Taking care of
girls was sometimes regarded as a waste of family resources.
During times of drought, families would often trade young
women for maize. Today, despite financial security, families
still pressure women to get married.
Kate felt the pressure to get married, but if there was no
society and if she lived in her own world she would never
get married. According to her, there is nothing she personally
fancies about getting married especially to an African man,
but she wanted to get married to have the respect society gives
to married women. She felt that if she was going to be in a
relationship that is not based on the future plans of marriage,
then that relationship was doomed as it was not accepted by
society as a respectful union.
Society’s views on marriage are based on religion and
culture and are hard to ignore. Most independent women I
talked to demeaned marriage and regarded it as nothing more
than a cry for status in society. They said marriage had nothing
to do with the desire to build a family and to love. However,
despite such sentiments I was stunned by how independent
women are actually looking for men, and vow not to rest until
they are married.
When I discussed this subject with Kate she said, “While
marriage is God’s design for human beings, I think every
person deserves to be happy while they are single – there
is no reason for anyone to be miserable when they are not
married. Marriage is not a ticket to happiness. At the verge of
31. 25
The Relationship With Self
marriage with Welsh I was never happy. The pressure put on
girls by society is unfounded, and if society was thinking with
its heart it should encourage women to be single, especially
considering how they suffer in marriage. I am pressured to be
married, but happy to be single. But I must be married because
I cannot withstand the pressure”.
The African patriarchal mindset regarding the position
of single women in society can best be seen by looking at
an alleged comment by an African president regarding the
marital status of women in society. The article reported by the
Mail & Guardian Online – Wednesday, August 22, 2012 stated
that the African president expressed joy over his daughter’s
marriage by saying that it was not right for women to be
single. According to the article, he said he did not want to stay
with daughters who are not married and giving birth gave
women extra training for motherhood.
Such views by African men explain very clearly the depth
of the problem single women face. If a president thinks it is
not right for women to be single, then it may explain why an
African king married a young 16-year-old girl who was ideally
supposed to be in school and not thinking about marriage.
Maybe according to him she was supposed to be married
after all. It might explain why the culture of ukutwala is still
prevalent in Africa. According to this dying South African
culture, a girl of any age can be given into marriage. A man
can simply take her and make her his wife as long as he pays
something to the family of the girl. The world is full of single
women who desire marriage – one can only wonder why a
grown man can just take a child and make her a wife.
32. 26
Loving The African Man
Hurried Decisions: No Patience, A Woman’s Problem
Commenting on the impatience of women one man said, “I do
not want to be stampeded. She is so pushy and demanding.
Everything must happen the same day. I must get a job, save
money, pay lobola, buy a car and a house all in the same day.
Times have changed, women must know that.”
It was the first time that I came to know that there was such
a word as stampeded in the dictionary. Some say patience is a
virtue, others say patience pays. Patience must be a value for
any woman who is serious about living a successful life. All
your dreams will never happen the same day and neither can
they be fulfilled by one man.
In an environment where the African men continue to face
more and more challenges, from joblessness to poverty, from
societal stereotypes to cultural expectations, there is nothing
needed more than patience from women. Most men I talked
to blamed women for being impatient. One man said, “These
days everything is instant for women. If you propose love
to a woman today she accepts the same day unlike in the
past when she would take time to apply her mind. She does
not even give me time to rethink my decision or to evaluate
my thoughts. Instant decisions usually work to someone’s
disadvantage. Some women have unprotected sex with men
they meet once and they become pregnant or get infected with
sexually transmitted diseases. The fact that women seem to
blame men for their irresponsibility might be another reason
why some men disrespect them. Men simply take advantage.
If you do not insist that he protects you from HIV/AIDS he
will give it you. It’s you who will carry a baby for nine months
and go through the difficulties that come with child-bearing.
33. 27
The Relationship With Self
Doesn’t it go without saying that it’s you who needs to be
more vigilant to avoid that?”
Most women no longer pride themselves as virgins on
marriage because they would have lost their virginity a long
time ago. Some are not willing to say no to physical intimacy
and wait for marriage. One man gave a scenario. He said long
ago women would marry as virgins. As the years passed they
started engaging in intimate activities but they would ask the
man to keep it a secret. Now they threaten the man if he is not
willing to engage intimately with them. If a man says no to
physical intimacy before marriage, the woman can blame him
for not loving her enough and even dump him.
In most African cultures when a man impregnates a
woman outside marriage, he is asked to pay damages for
impregnating the woman. Paying damages means you have
engaged intimately with someone presumed or known to be
a virgin and damaged her. Such analogies mean that every
woman who is not a virgin is regarded as damaged goods in
most African cultures. In everyday life no one wants damaged
goods but others settle for them. Given such African cultures
which depict women who are not virgins as undignified and
damaged, women must be more patient and get married as
virgins so that they can safeguard their respect. If respect
cannot be given by men for free then there must be ways to
demand it. However, it needs to be clarified that the fact that
woman who are not virgins are damaged must mean that man
who are not virgins are also damaged. It goes without saying
then that even men must also safeguard their virginity to gain
respect from women.
Whilst merely two decades ago it was a trend for African
men to marry at a young age, things have changed. Although
34. 28
Loving The African Man
society still stereotypes the man as the sole provider of the
family, life has become very expensive; marriage is now very
expensive and a man needs a well paying job to be able to pay
lobola, fund a wedding and take care of his family. For him
to be competitive enough to get a job which pays him a good
salary, he usually needs to have studied more or worked for
enough years to be able to do something that will give him
enough experience and high returns.
Womenontheotherhandseemtobeinahurry,astheywant
to be married at the age their mothers were married, forgetting
the challenges faced by men in the 21st
century. Because of
their lack of patience sometimes young girls and women rush
into intimate engagements to force men into marriage thereby
finding themselves single mothers, school drop outs, HIV/
AIDS positive and abused. If the facts are correct, there is no
reason why the 12th
wife of the aforementioned African king
married at 16 years of age to a man who was twice her age.
She should not have agreed to be rushed into such a decision
which in the long run became prejudicial to her as the King is
reported to have chased her away later.
Women must be warned against impatience, especially
young girls who are growing up. If you make hurried
decisions you risk regretting them later. Kate told me the story
of Pasipano, a rural girl she met at university. Pasipano, a first
year law student, met and fell in love with a popular, mature
guy at campus who unbeknown to her was notorious for his
promiscuity. She eventually fell pregnant with his child while
she was a first-year student. The guy denied responsibility
for the pregnancy and claimed that he could not take care of
her and the baby because he was a student. However, luckily
for Pasipano, the guy was forced to take responsibility by his
35. 29
The Relationship With Self
family and he eventually paid lobola for Pasipano. The guy
finished his studies and graduated at the same time Pasipano
was giving birth to their first son.
Pasipano dropped out of university to take care of her
baby with the plan to go back the next year. Pasipano has
never gone back to study because her husband said he cannot
afford to pay school fees. Two years into their marriage
Pasipano’s husband paid lobola for another woman without
her knowledge. On hearing the news through the grapevine,
Pasipano confronted her husband and the confrontation
culminated into a fight. Her husband started beating her and
after she failed to escape through the door, she jumped out of
the window of their fourth floor flat. She did not die but she
broke her legs and she is now wheelchair-bound, uneducated
and jobless.
The husband, an influential man today, was never
prosecuted although the case was reported to the police. Her
husband still provides basic groceries for her and her child but
he now permanently stays with his other wife. The husband
is now a top notch lawyer with a lucrative career and a lovely
wife who is a medical doctor, owns her own surgery, is his age
and is eight years older than Pasipano. The moral of the story
- hurried decisions girls, they are dangerous.
Still on the subject of patience, in Zimbabwe, I met a young
girl named Dambudzo at the bus station. She was crying
because she had been chased away from home by her father
because she kept bringing her boyfriend to his house. She
asked if she could come and sleep over at my place and then
leave the next day. I took her in and when she removed her
clothes her body was full of scars. She was badly injured with
black parallel lines running along her body. Her father beat
36. 30
Loving The African Man
her every day for not breaking up with her boyfriend but she
continued to see her boyfriend until her father eventually
chased her away. I asked the girl why she could not break up
with her boyfriend to save her relationship with her father. She
said she loved the boy, and she wanted him as her boyfriend.
The boy was her age and they were around 15 or 16 years.
The girl ended up staying with me for weeks until I called her
father to come and take her home. The father took her back
but I kept in contact with her.
Eventually she fell pregnant and the father asked her
boyfriend to move in with them. I met the girl months later
with her baby on her back and she said, “If only I had been
more patient and finished my studies before dating. Now I
have to face my father and my boyfriend every day. My father
beats me and my boyfriend but we cannot move out. We do
not have money and my boyfriend is not going to school. I am
also not going to school as my father refuses to pay. We spend
the whole day helping my father in the garden.”
At that point I remembered Kate’s words, “In the long-run
patience pays. Because I was patient today I am somebody. I
count. If I am not given respect by men, I am well positioned
to demand it.”
37. 31
K
ate comes from a family of four girls and three
boys. Four of her mother’s siblings, together with
their spouses, have been affected with HIV/AIDS.
Troubled marriages, cheating partners and abusive spouses
still characterise Africa and the world today. Even when most
African countries are celebrating Independence Day every
year, there are so many women who are held captive by men.
Many African women still live in fear, put up with abuse
and sometimes have nothing to celebrate beyond marriage.
Abuse of African women comes in many forms – physical,
physiological and emotional. Even with a good education
an independent woman in Africa is still oppressed, and the
voices of men still prevail as the most dominant voices. With
the rampant growth of churches in Africa and the spread of
Christianity, African men have not found it easy to accept
Christian principles that liberate women.
There are still a lot of stereotypes on how women should
dress and conduct themselves in front of men. Stories appear
in the news of women being killed because of how they dress,
sexual orientation and merely expressing their views. Africa
38. 32
Loving The African Man
has a long way to go in liberating women, and this behaviour
has led to the rapid spread of HIV/AIDS as women cannot
control how men treat them.
I laughed with Kate as she stated that even though I am not a
counsellor by profession, maybe I am better experienced than
her because I have found myself counselling friends who are
going through abuse, betrayal and fear in their relationships.
While divorce seems to increase on a daily basis, it should be
noted that there are still so many women who are held captive
in relationships, feel trapped, and are failing to get out of their
bad situation. Below are some of the struggles of African men
that women have been forced to accept. Men must identify
and deal with these issues below.
His Struggle With The Death Of His Leading Role In Society
Unlike his father’s belief that it was Kate who had pushed him
into doing a PhD, the one thing that had actually pushed Welsh
into doing his PhD was his struggle to get employment after
his undergraduate and master’s degrees. When he finished
his master’s degree he had massive conflicts with his master’s
supervisor. According to what he told Kate, his white male
supervisor behaved like a racist by not wanting him to pass
his master’s degree.
Because of endless and unresolved conflicts between him
and his supervisor, Welsh failed to put his white supervisor
as a reference on his CV. He eventually found no one to put as
a reference on his CV. Trapped in this situation, Welsh vowed
never to have a white supervisor again and decided to study
further so that he could have his black male PhD supervisor as
39. 33
The Relationship With Him: The 21st
Century African Man
his most reliable reference. It is Welsh’s arrogance and inability
to work with a “white man” which made it impossible for him
to put his master’s degree supervisor on his CV. After talking
at length with him regarding this emotive issue, on his part it
seemed as though his white supervisor was a threat to him.
“Never trust a white person,” he said. “They are the greatest
pretenders.”
The above situation depicts a black man who is not only
fighting for leadership in the home but in a society of mixed
races as well. With colonialism, the leading role of the black
man was interfered with by men from other races. With an
already limited chance to lead, the African man now finds the
African woman encroaching on his remaining territory. With
females already becoming presidents and leading African
nations, the economic and political progress of African women
is now unstoppable.
When Kate finished her second master’s degree, she
decided to do her PhD whilst consulting part-time in order to
supplement her income since her scholarship was not enough
to cover her needs. Amid the high unemployment rate in
South Africa she landed consulting jobs which paid her a
great amount of money. Before Kate was consulting, Welsh
would help her with the finances. Welsh always felt he was
OK with finances as his student scholarship paid more than
Kate’s did. However, Kate was landing lucrative consulting
contracts and she decided to buy a house when they were still
studying for their PhD’s. Welsh was upset by that decision.
He said Kate should have given him back all his money that
he had used to help her before she bought a house.
He told her that she had been hired only because she was
a woman – it was an empowerment move. From the time
40. 34
Loving The African Man
she started consulting, he accused her of attempting to take
control of him and making decisions on his behalf. He said
Kate was changing and no longer fit the criteria of his dream
wife. He dreamt of dating someone who was weaker than
him, someone he could take control of. It is astonishing that
Welsh, a highly educated man, is still influenced by societal
stereotypes which view a man as the stronger sex.
In the African society, it is undeniable that African history
books depicted African men as the ones who did the hunting
while women stayed at home making sure that resources
were distributed equally amongst the children. While women
always had some control in managing the household, they
were never regarded as hunters. History depicted women
as children in terms of social positioning and men as strong
and in control of women and children. In African folktales the
man was depicted as egocentric and feared and was usually
compared to a lion, the king of the jungle. With education
becoming more important to women and the prevalence of
women in high paying jobs, women disregard man’s ego in
the household.
The importance of a man as the provider of the family is
no longer emphasised by women and children. A man might
be educated but be unemployed for years. So many African
men with degrees have struggled to get jobs, yet their wives/
girlfriends are climbing the corporate ladder. This always
seems to pose problems in relationships. Twenty-first century
African women are now largely independent – they have
careers and compete with men in the workplace.
The challenge facing the man is that his role of provider has
been taken away from him. Women now have to contend with
egocentric men who are not willing to see them provide for
41. 35
The Relationship With Him: The 21st
Century African Man
the family. As womens’ salaries increase as they become more
and more accepted in the workplace, so is the issue of a man
who earns less than his wife becoming a problem – especially
as a man refuses to accept that a woman is able to provide
a bigger portion of the family’s budget. (Some studies have
concluded that there is a high rate of divorce in marriages
where a woman is the bread winner).
His Struggle With His Identity Crisis
It took a year and a half of Kate’s questioning for Welsh to
finally concede to the fact that he did not feel safe and secure
about not following his African religion and culture. Even if
he went to church and believed in Christianity he struggled
to bring together his African origin, religion and culture with
Christianity. The dynamics of culture and religion in Africa
seem so simple but with the coming of Christianity through
colonialism so many have failed to distinguish between the
so-called white man’s religion and the religion itself.
MostchurchesinAfricaarefullofwomen.Theabusebymen
they face on a daily basis might be forcing them to seek refuge
in Christianity which is particularly odd as most churches
are led by men. With women neglecting African cultures for
Christianity, the African man’s authority as the traditional
custodian of the African culture is again questioned. Even if
a man concedes to defeat or perhaps genuinely believes in
Christianity, it is not easily acceptable by the African society
that when a man comes to church he genuinely does so for the
right reasons.
Some people view male church-goers as rapists and
42. 36
Loving The African Man
thieves masquerading behind Christianity. Male pastors are
generally treated with high suspicion. The problem is that
there are so many men who have been accused of fraud and
rape in churches. Also some men like Welsh admit that they
go to church looking for potential spouses, but they have
reservations about the Christian religion itself and see it as
a concept that has led to the destruction of African culture
and religion. It is clear in so many respects that the African
man still wants to safeguard his culture and religion, but it’s a
problem to meet a spouse in church and later find out he does
not believe in the Christian doctrine which you subscribe to.
This becomes very hard in marriage when parents fail to
agree on how they are going to raise their children and the
religion they are going to follow. It becomes particularly
problematic when parents have to seek refuge in one religion
and culture. This leads to divided families: the father performs
rituals for the children to protect them and he seeks refuge
in his own African ancestors, while the mother prays to God
asking Him to remove the husband from his culture and
religion which she views to be against Christian doctrines and
perhaps behind the children’s sicknesses.
His Struggle With His Lack Of Control Over His Life: Easily
Influenced
The issue of HIV/AIDS is an enormous social problem and
has a massive impact on budgets in Africa. When Kate met
Welsh, unbeknown to her he had a string of girlfriends who
she only discovered after they had dated for a year. Welsh
continued to have multiple partners. While this might seem
43. 37
The Relationship With Him: The 21st
Century African Man
normal in the dating and marriage scene in Africa, cheating in
a relationship is not acceptable. It is surprising that men still
get away with it.
Whether some women choose to deny it, it is a fact that
polygamy, which is associated with the African culture, is
abusive to women and children and reinforces that women
are still vulnerable in Africa. The issue of polygamy – even
if it has its roots in culture – needs to be addressed from the
perspective of mental and emotional health of women. It needs
to be investigated why women get into these relationships
and how they cope in them. The issue of polygamy should
not be seen from an equality perspective as most women
entering polygamous marriages do so by choice. Rather its
negative impacts should be seen on how much it reinforces
the stereotypes of man as the stronger sex in Africa. How it
encourages multiple sexual partners and the spread of HIV/
AIDS. The impact of polygamy on children born in these
institutions should be investigated.
There is no point being influenced by cultural practices
that reinforce abuse and emotional trauma for a greater part
of the population. A woman’s choice to go into a polygamous
marriage is a choice she also makes for her children and such
a choice is arguably against the best interests of her children.
Also, when a poor man marries multiple partners, the best
interests of his child or children is compromised, and he only
succeeds in increasing poverty in Africa and burdening the
state with so many children on social welfare. With the male
gender influenced by a dying culture which allows them to
have multiple partners and exchange them like shoes, it is not
surprising that they still look down on women.
Africanmendonotpressureeachotherintogoodbehaviour;
44. 38
Loving The African Man
rather they influence each other towards bad behaviour. “You
can never trust the friend of an African man,” Kate said. When
Kate started dating Welsh, his friends passed comments
about how he could date a doctor. They connected what they
perceived as Kate’s rude, bossy and dismissive attitude to her
being a highly educated woman. One day, Ndebele, Welsh’s
friend, visited Welsh and found Kate in Welsh’s bedroom. He
entered and sat in Welsh’s bedroom without greeting Kate.
Welsh asked Kate to make Ndebele a cup of tea. Ndebele
drank the tea whilst talking to Welsh and still never greeted
Kate. Ndebele then asked Welsh if he had received any of his
letters because he had put Welsh’s address on his banking
details. Welsh had not seen any letters and he asked Kate
if she had seen Ndebele’s letters in his mail box. Kate went
downstairs and found Ndebele’s letters and gave them to
him. Still Ndebele did not greet her and neither did he thank
her for making him tea and fetching his letters.
Ndebele then told Welsh that he had plans to go watch a
soccer match and he had bought two tickets for him and his
girlfriend but unfortunately he was fighting with his girlfriend
so he had an extra ticket. Welsh and Ndebele then decided to
go and watch the match together that evening automatically
cancelling Kate and Welshs’s plans for dinner. Welsh quickly
prepared, took his vuvuzela and went out to watch the match
with Ndebele. He asked Kate to leave the keys in the letterbox
when she left to go back to her flat.
Disappointed, Kate later on decided to go back to her flat.
Before doing so she wanted to inform Welsh exactly where
she had left the keys so she called his phone and Ndebele
answered. She asked to speak to Welsh four times and Ndebele
kept saying he was busy. Kate left the keys in the mailbox and
45. 39
The Relationship With Him: The 21st
Century African Man
went to her flat.
“Is it not enough for a woman to be fighting for her place
in society? It is totally unfair if she has to fight for her position
with the man in her life,” Kate said. When Kate asked Welsh
about the incident at a later stage he justified his friend
Ndebele’s behaviour by saying that all his friends hated her
because they just didn’t like powerful women. He said they
were angry because he had dumped his 17-year-old girlfriend
for Kate. They complained that Kate was controlling Welsh
and they no longer had enough time to go out with him for
soccer matches. Welsh then accused Kate of being controlling
and sometimes insisting on coming along for the matches
especially during the World Cup. He said she could have also
gone to watch the matches with her own friends rather than
following him and upsetting his friends.
It is not surprising that Welsh chose to side with Ndebele
and never apologised for his behaviour. Men in Africa are
known to go out with friends, spending money, abusing
alcohol, while not worrying about feeding their families at
home. So many men in Africa are victims of peer pressure
which has led to them failing to take care of the needs of their
wives and children. When Farie fell pregnant, Musa, Welsh’s
brother told his parents. His mother was angry because her
son wanted to marry a cheap, uneducated girl who had a
child from another man. She was so upset she phoned Farie
to say that she had agreed with her husband that their son
would not marry her because according to the Zulu culture, it
is the family that marries a woman. She also made it clear that
they had a say as to whom their son married. According to
her culture, it was not allowed for her son to marry someone
who already had a child. It was against the Zulu culture she
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Loving The African Man
said. Musa agreed with his parents and broke up with Farie.
I talked to Musa and he said breaking up with Farie was the
best decision because there was no use marrying her if his
parents did not approve.
Still on the subject of the African man’s lack of control over
hislife,Katerememberedanotherscenariowhichsurprisedher
and confirmed to her that Welsh had no control over his life. He
was easily influenced. Whilst studying at Harvard, Welsh and
Kate were invited for Christmas in Japan by a Japanese couple
they had met in Harvard. They arrived in Chiba, Japan on the
20th
of December, spent two days with their Japanese friends
and took a trip to Tokyo for a tour with a plan to come back
to Chiba in two days time to spend Christmas with the couple
they had visited. When they arrived in Tokyo they met some
black Nigerians who were the first Africans they had seen in
Japan. The men greeted them and Welsh had a brief private
chat with them resulting in them exchanging phone numbers.
Without informing Kate, Welsh made an arrangement to meet
the guys on Christmas.
On the 23rd
of December, Kate reminded Welsh that they
had to go back to Chiba to help their Japanese friends with
preparations for Christmas. Welsh and Kate left for Chiba
on the morning of the 24th
. On the morning of the 25th
Welsh
said he had forgotten his bag at the station in Tokyo and he
wanted Kate to accompany him and they would come back in
the afternoon to join their friends for Christmas. When they
arrived in Tokyo, Welsh moved out of the station without
taking any bag. Kate just followed and to her surprise they
met with the Nigerian men they had become acquainted with
before. They then began following the Nigerian men into a
club. Kate asked Welsh what was going on and he said he
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The Relationship With Him: The 21st
Century African Man
had made an appointment with the guys to meet them on
Christmas for afternoon drinks and clubbing for the whole
Christmas night.
Kate asked Welsh why he had lied about the bag and why
he had not told the Japanese couple that he had other plans for
Christmas. Welsh said he had to meet with the Nigerian guys
because he had promised them. He had however forgotten
his promises to the Japanese couple and spent Christmas with
his newfound friends. He accused Kate of making an issue
out of it because she did not like clubs and he said she could
just stand outside the club and wait for him if she wanted. He
said she must call the Japanese couple to inform them of their
change of plans. He did not see anything sinister about what
he had done even if he had come to Japan on invitation by the
couple.
Welsh’s behaviour in Japan was unbelievable. It reminded
me of Chipo, a Zambian girl I had chatted to briefly in a Cape
Town salon. When Chipo fell pregnant, her boyfriend took
responsibility and promised her that he would pay lobola. He
set a date for the negotiations and communicated with Chipo’s
relatives. On the day of negotiations he did not come and his
phone was off. He never spoke to Chipo again or apologised
to his relatives. I contacted the guy to ask him why he had
never come and he said he was being pushed by his relatives
to marry Chipo so he had decided not to avail himself for the
negotiations rather than argue with his relatives. But why
then did he agree to the negotiations in the first place?
The story of an African man who betrays his spouse and
blames his family is not new. There are so many examples
from the people I interviewed that are not mentioned in this
book of men who promised in-laws that they were coming
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Loving The African Man
to negotiate regarding marrying the family’s daughter, but
never came on the day. Their defences range from influence
by friends, to blaming their parents for controlling their lives.
“African women have been betrayed, infected with HIV/
AIDS and abused by men who do not take responsibility
for their actions. They always blame someone else. When he
cheats, it is the other lady who is blamed because she lured
him into intimacy. When they do not have a job it is the
government that is to blame. If they get infected with HIV/
AIDS it is the wife who is blamed for not performing her wifely
duties which forced him to cheat and get infected. When his
children are misbehaving it is the mother who is failing her
motherly duties. When the children do not do homework, it is
the mother who is not helping the children. African men must
take control of their lives and assume responsibility for their
actions,” Kate said.
His Struggle With His Violence
Violence is almost a culture among African men. While the root
cause may be contested, it can be conceded that it was mostly
African men who fought liberation wars in Africa. African men
were subjected to colonialism (the worst violence), slavery and
killed by the colonisers. They were forced to resist violence
by violent means. They had to kill to get independence from
the colonisers and they had to be killed as well. Perhaps that
explains why violence is always a response in the home of an
African man. African men just like men from other races that
colonised Africa, kill; we read it in newspapers every day.
When men go on strike against the government, you cannot
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The Relationship With Him: The 21st
Century African Man
be sure they will come back alive. They vandalise property,
fight with the police and end up being killed in the process
(some women have been caught doing exactly the same albeit
in the minority). The strikers do not have the sole intention
of spelling out their grievances to the government; they also
want to kill someone. When an African man dies in a strike, he
leaves behind a widow and children. It is always the widows
who have to bear the burdens of the consequences of actions
by men.
The 2012 globally televised strike by South African men at
the Lonmin Mine, North West of Johannesburg provides us
with a lot of lessons regarding African men. The strikers are
said to have been armed with traditional weapons in the form
of long sticks, machetes as well as guns. What comes to mind
is, in the absence of the police, who is beaten by those sticks?
What are the guns for? Why do ordinary civilians need to arm
themselves with harmful objects? These sticks, machetes and
guns are the ones that kill their wives.
I asked the above questions to Tebogo and she narrated her
story. Tebogo’s sister, Kiitumetsi was married to a Lesotho
man. The couple met at the University of Botswana. A year
after their marriage, Kiitumetsi’s husband decided to go and
work in Lesotho because he wanted his children to grow up
knowing his culture and language. Kiitumetsi had to leave
her family, who were all from Botswana. No one was worried
because she could always take a plane or two buses and come
back to her family. Kiitumetsi went to Lesotho and never
came back home for more than 10 years. Her husband never
informed his in-laws regarding the whereabouts of their
daughter. They were never given contact numbers from the
day they left for Lesotho. They tried calling the relatives of
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Loving The African Man
their son-in-law to no avail. They eventually gave up trying.
One Saturday morning after 12 years there was a knock
on the door. It was Kiitumetsi’s husband. He asked to see his
father-in-law. He was allowed to come in but before doing so
he went to his car and came back with two other people. One
was his brother and the other one was Kiitumetsi who the two
were carrying. Kiitumetsi had been so sick with AIDS for the
past year and they had brought her back to her parent’s house
to die. “She has to be buried in Botswana,” her husband said,
talking to Kiitumetsi’s father. Kiitumetsi and Tebogo’s father
stood up, went to his bedroom, came out and shot Kiitumetsi’s
husband. He died on the spot. The case was never reported to
the police. His body was taken to Lesotho by his brother and
a few days later Kiitumetsi died. “You see? That is why our
fathers keep weapons, as they must kill these young men for
abusing us,” Tebogo laughed. “It is the violence of African
men that scares me. African men need only be armed with
love not weapons. Men should learn to talk lovingly without
resorting to violence,” Tebogo added.
“Ask Him It’s Not Me”: His Dodgy Relationship With His
Anatomy: Not Accountable!
HIV/AIDS is a big problem in Africa that has cost the
continent precious lives and governments’ huge amounts of
money. When Kholeka discovered she was HIV positive she
confronted her boyfriend for an explanation since she had been
a virgin. In reply he said, “I am sorry. I have cheated on you.
I never wanted to cheat but I do not know what happened. I
found myself doing it.” This is not the first time I have heard
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The Relationship With Him: The 21st
Century African Man
an African man blame his anatomy for his mistakes.
So many African men I spoke to purported to distance
their minds from the actions of their anatomy. If you ask
them to explain their promiscuity they say, “These things
just happen”. It is as if they automatically find themselves
engaging in reckless sexual activities. It is the fault of their
anatomy. It is their anatomy that wants to engage in sexual
activities with different partners. It is their anatomy that
makes children. There seems to be no relationship between
what a man does and the actions of his anatomy. There seems
to be no link between his thinking process and the actions of
his anatomy. Whilst he blames his anatomy for his mistakes,
it is also his source of pride.
He has no pride in his material, social or spiritual
achievements; his pride is all too often in his promiscuity.
He prides himself for reckless sexual behaviour and no
responsibility. The dodgy relationship between an African
man and his anatomy does not even make an exception of
some African leaders.
52. 46
T
he criminal justice system has made huge strides
towards emancipating women from all forms of abuse
from men, and has provided an open justice system for
women to report hate crimes by men. Although the progress
of the justice system in Africa – especially regarding domestic
violenceissues–isalwaysinquestion,progresshasbeenmade.
The human rights discourse has also assisted in ensuring that
women and men share positions in politics, business and the
workplace. NGOs and churches have played their role in
repositioning women in society and ensuring her voice is not
silenced. All these institutions are important, but they have
not yet resolved the problems of a woman in the home.
Educated women, CEOs and leaders at church are victims
of abuse in the home. Tsungai from Zimbabwe went to work
for a week with a black eye and no one cared to ask about it.
They gossiped about her and never frowned upon it. When her
husband came to fetch her from work, her colleagues would
greet the man as if nothing had happened. He would shout
at her in front of her colleagues and no one did anything. The
man knew that no one would do anything. He knew he could
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Our Fathers, Our Leaders, Our Husbands, Our Boyfriends
get away with it.
Violence against women, abuse of women in all forms goes
without condemnation in Africa. Presidents of Africa fly the
flag of women abuse and nothing is done. When confronted
they defend their positions by stating that it is their culture. In
one African country, young capable female minds are lined
up and their breasts are inspected by an old king all in the
name of culture. Instead of the king insisting that the young
girls go to school and be pioneers of change in this African
country and in Africa as a whole, he inspects their breasts.
Bare-breasted teenagers compete for the king’s attention in
the presence of invited guest who are sometimes dignitaries
and presidents of Africa.
One African premier – a man older than 50 – is reported
to have impregnated a girl in her early twenties and fathered
a child with her. Africa did not take to the streets to protest
against that. Amid the campaigns to combat HIV/AIDS in
Africa, African leaders engage in unprotected sexual activities
with women. The premier married another woman and
divorced her within two weeks of the marriage. Such an act
depicted a total disrespect and disregard of the woman he
married. His explanation for breaking off the relationship was
selfish; her feelings about the matter were totally disregarded.
A very capable woman herself, the African man’s then fiancée
was depicted as a desperate woman who did everything
to get herself married. The African premier got out of that
relationship with a press conference.
Recently, without divorce proceedings, an African king in
his forties is reported to have ordered his 12th
wife to vacate
his residence. The king is said to have married an African
former beauty queen when she was 16 years old and now at 23
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Loving The African Man
years old she has been fired from the palace on allegations of
cheating yet she is said to claim not to have seen her husband
who has 14 wives for a year. If the allegations against the king
are true then this is yet another young girl’s future wasted,
married below the age of 18 and dumped at 23 years of age.
These are our fathers, our leaders and our husbands.
Loving Defeated Men
African men have gone wrong; at some point they stopped
developing ideas, there is a boundary of thinking that they
refused to cross. There are certain ideologies that they have
chosen to stereotype to the disadvantage of the whole African
society, and they’ve made it a life decision never to move on
from these ideologies. They never budged, come education,
human rights, westernisation, globalisation, Christianity or
whatever. They live a life in an environment that fosters ideas
that totally clash with their mental framework.
While most of our men are caged in the idea of patriarchy,
the everyday realities dictate otherwise. The legal structure
we operate in – constitutional democracies, the rule of
law, and education – all provide a framework in which we
operate today. This framework which we have accepted is
totally opposite to the way African men think and do things.
Policemen still abuse women and kill citizens – something
totally outside the criminal justice system they work for. Male
presidents still embody views that are totally against the
human rights framework that put them into power.
Women, on the other hand, enjoy the benefits of democracy
but still fail to defend the democracy. A mother who is a lawyer
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Our Fathers, Our Leaders, Our Husbands, Our Boyfriends
is obviously educated. She then educates her daughter, only
to tell her to be strong when she is battered by her husband.
She is afraid to report her son-in-law for beating her daughter
because he paid lobola. She believes every human being has
human rights but believes her daughter’s rights are limited
by her husband. The mother who is a lawyer is also beaten by
her own husband, and the next day goes to court to defend
victims of street assault. There is confusion somewhere that is
hard to explain and resolve.
When we embodied human rights, did we perhaps fail to
give men a chance to manoeuvre smoothly from patriarchy
to democracy? Can we perhaps say that there were ideas
thrust upon African men giving them no chance to be part
of the change? Can we maybe say that African men felt left
out and did not take ownership of the concepts of democracy?
Answers to the above questions may explain why Welsh’s
father thought Kate was westernised and was behaving like a
whiteperson–simplybecauseshewastakingownershipofher
own life, something he had seen done by white women. If men
had understood the concepts behind education, Christianity,
Constitutionalism, human rights and their contribution to the
evolution of our African culture, they would have perhaps
been part of the change.
Todayaswecontinuewithgivingspacetowomeninsociety,
men seem to be suffocated by what is depicted as feminism.
They are not supportive of women, and this attitude is seen
by how they treat women in the home. Perhaps their attitude
is not deliberate; in this book they are given the benefit of the
doubt.
Perhaps the boy child is simply being ignored in society.
He is given all the responsibilities of good citizenship in a
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Loving The African Man
constitutional state, yet enjoys no benefits at all. His father tells
him that once educated he will get a good job and a beautiful
wife. He would get a good job based on his qualifications and a
beautiful wife based on his money. But when he graduates and
arrives at an interview he sees that he is competing with five
women for this one job. The job he thought society had secured
for him is eventually given to a woman as an empowerment
initiative. Every time he watches the television or reads the
newspaper it’s about making life better for the girl child. It is
Women’s Day that is celebrated, not men’s day. On Human
Rights Day, women get a special mention. On Valentine’s Day
it is the woman who needs a present. When there’s a wedding
it is the family of the woman that needs the money.
Today’s men have lost their hold as leaders of society. It
seems as though everything is against them. Men seem to
have become bystanders in society while women thrive with
all the attention they get and give each other. Perhaps all the
above factors have contributed to us having broken fathers,
leaders and husbands of today? What should we do is the next
question?
Where Is Their Pride?
Where is the pride of African men? When they cheat, kill,
rape, enter into polygamous relationships, abuse their wives
and desert their children, what do they think they are doing?
If it is not their standing in society and their reputation
which makes them proud human beings, what makes African
men proud? I asked Kate this question. She replied saying,
“Their pride is in their promiscuity. It is their only source of
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Our Fathers, Our Leaders, Our Husbands, Our Boyfriends
pride. If you castrate an African man he will commit suicide
because you have removed his sole accomplishment. It is the
only thing that he holds important, his purpose and mission
on earth is to prove his capacity to procreate. So many African
men have fathered nations; nations they cannot even take
care of. Africa still languishes in poverty. There are so many
children in Africa with no fathers. The fathers walk the streets
of Africa yet society regards the children as orphans.”
Kate’s sentiments reminded me of a Zimbabwean, a
neighbour who shared her story with me. She had been
married at the age of 18, something she totally regretted. By
the age of 25 she had four children and she regretted that
totally. What I admired about her though was her willingness
to start over. She had registered and passed her O levels and
was working for the Zimbabwe Broadcasting Company. Her
husband who was over 10 years older than her was jobless
and usually spent his day at a local shopping mall looking
for a job. Her day usually started at 4 a.m. She would wake
up, prepare breakfast and lunch for the kids, bath and feed
them and take them to their different schools by 7 a.m. The
kids used to walk back from school and the older child knew
where their mother used to hide the keys and they would let
themselves in. After work which meant after 5 p.m. she would
come back home and cook for the children and then do a part-
time job doing laundry for people who would require her,
services for a fee. She used to do my laundry as well. One day
she came to our gate crying, stating that she was so angry at
what her husband had done.
The previous week there had been a burglar at their house
who had stolen their four-plate stove that she had bought and
a few blankets. When the kids came back from school they
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Loving The African Man
said that they had found the window broken and the door
open, and had noticed that the stove and some blankets were
missing. The husband said he had been at the mall during the
burglary and he said he suspected that the person had entered
through the window and then opened the door. The wife
was really upset at losing her stove and she decided to visit a
prophet. The prophet said it was her husband who had stolen
the stove and the blankets and sold them. She was therefore
asking me to ask the husband on her behalf why he had done
so.
I called the husband and the three of us sat to discuss the
issue. I told him that his wife had gone to a prophet and
the prophet had said he had stolen the stove. When I asked
him, I thought his immediate response would be to deny
the allegations as well as to question the authenticity of the
prophet. I even thought he was going to moan at his wife
for visiting prophets. To my surprise the husband began to
apologise. He stated that he needed the money to cover the
children’s school fees and said he was sorry for what he had
done. What kind of a man has so little pride that he will steal
from his own family?
On the other side of the neighbourhood was Gwinyai,
a businessman who had so many girlfriends that his wife
was constantly fighting with almost all the women in the
neighbourhood. She accused every woman in the streets of
cheating with her husband. Gwinyai had a beautiful wife
and two children and his business seemed to be doing well
judging by his lifestyle. His main problem was his lack of
self control. He used to propose love to every woman in the
neighbourhood. He had broken his gate because he always
came home late and his wife would lock him out. He had cut
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Our Fathers, Our Leaders, Our Husbands, Our Boyfriends
the electric fence on top of his durawall because when the gate
was locked he would climb the wall in order to get inside the
yard. He had kicked the house door till it fell down because
his wife had locked him out. We were used to the noise from
Gwinyai’s house.
However, one day he did the worst thing. He arrived home
after midnight and hooted at the gate but no one answered.
He then climbed the gate and knocked at the maid’s window
and asked her to open the gate. As the maid opened the gate,
Gwinyai drove in, and at the same time, his wife ran into the
driveway and threw herself down. Gwinyai failed to brake,
running over her and killing her. All these events happened
in less than thirty minutes and could have been avoided if
Gwinyai cared for his pride and image in society. He never
cared that he used to disturb his neighbours every night. He
never cared that he was known as the male married prostitute.
He never cared that his wife was heard crying and shouting
every night and his two children watched in agony. In the end
he killed his wife.
A few years later, early in 2013, I met Gwinyai in a Cafe at
East gate, Harare. He is now a pastor and married to another
young and beautiful wife. He expressed regret over the way he
had lived most of his life and directed my attention to articles
that were in the newspaper he was reading. On one page was
the story of a young Zimbabwean polygamist musician, who
had been evicted from a popular show and was said to be
failing to take care of his wives. On the other page was a lady
who had been held at knifepoint by her husband and called a
slut after she had confronted him kissing another woman in a
restaurant. The married man had been set up by his wife and
his girlfriend. On the other side of the page was a follow up
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Loving The African Man
story of the many wives that an African premier had after his
first wife’s death. Then on another page was a story of a pastor
married to nine women who was accused of forcing married
women in the congregation to date him. Gwinyai just showed
me the stories and said, “I cannot believe I was this lost. I cost
somebody her life. Where was my pride?” After Gwinyai left,
I pondered the question, Where is their pride?
61. 55
T
he struggle might be hard to win but it is not impossible.
Africa as a continent has won struggles that seemed
impossible to conquer – colonialism, apartheid, slavery,
terminal diseases and much more. Africa has won these
struggles and keeps fighting. It is the desire to push towards a
common goal that matters. There are things Africa can do and
principles it can foster to win the total independence of both
men and women materially, spiritually and emotionally.
It Begins By Unlearning
Unlearning has been described as the art of letting go. We do
not unlearn first. We learn first and then let go of what we have
learnt to entertain new ideas. Unlearning can be described as
“to walk away from, to leave behind, to shed some intellectual
skin, to suspend or let go of old thought patterns and give up
my rights and wrongs, important for real higher learning to
occur”.
As adults we are told certain things work in a particular
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Loving The African Man
manner and certain concepts are true. It becomes difficult for
us to accept that what we learnt was wrong or is no longer
relevant. To do this we need to reverse the process of learning
and start afresh. We therefore “unlearn” that which we knew
to pave way for new information and ideas. Society itself
and the individuals within the African society need to try to
“unlearn” by letting go of their past beliefs, views and ideas
in order for them to appreciate and learn the changes in their
society and deal with them accordingly.
Unlearning is not a threatening exercise that aims to erase all
we know as wrong, but rather by demystifying our dominant
values, beliefs and stereotypes we can get rid of all the bad
energy as well as the dominant societal systems in our society
that we no longer need. This will be possible only through the
process of reflection and action.
Men and women should discover their own choices and
resist expectations by peers, relatives, work colleagues or
parents. Society should know that what they believe today
they were told by someone else. As an individual and as a
society together we need genuine reason to believe what we
believe today. As an individual you need a genuine reason to
believe what you were told.
I asked Welsh why he liked cooking beer for his ancestors
and the rationale behind it. I just wanted to understand. He
said he did not know the reasons, except that his parents had
told him to do it because his grandparents did it. They did it
because they feared the ancestors would harm them if they did
not do it. Welsh had continued cooking beer for his ancestors
because he feared harm.
We search for truth everyday and can only find the truth by
embracing new ideas. Research shows that things we normally
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Loving Men: A Societal Responsibility
believe to be true are incorrect. The belief that ancestors who
are dead people harm the living is not true and we cannot keep
holding on to that idea. The belief that women must cook and
men read the newspaper is not true. When men realised that
being a chef paid a lot of money, many men suddenly became
chefs resulting in most chefs being men today. Unlearning old
ideas and learning new ideas can seem to cause chaos, but
chaos is a new order. It is the new order that men work in salons
braiding hair. Yet when one man started braiding hair in a
salon it seemed to cause chaos. When old views and mindsets
die, it is a painful process, but it always brings greater clarity,
a new sense of purpose and direction. The struggles of the
church in accepting women leadership in church was written
about in a New Zimbabwe article titled The Role of Women in
the Church published on the 7th
of August 2012.
The article raised an interesting topic and concerns which
pointtotheologicalissuesthatneedtobediscussedatChristian
society level. The different beliefs of Christians on the role of
women in leadership in church should be reconciled and there
is need for a consensus. The irony which I repeat in this book
is that while women are not entirely in church leadership in
other churches in Africa, they are the ones who fill most of
the churches. Is society blind to this fact? No it is not. Society
sees what is happening but fails to make the decisions that
suit the dictates of the day. In every difficult decision to be
made, someone might need to lose. Men need to lose their ego
that they root in culture and religion and society should force
them to do so.
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Loving The African Man
The Art Of Tolerance
Tolerance has been described as much more than holding back
your feelings against another person. It is the ability not to
have the bad feelings at all and to entirely accept differences.
The subject in this book is that society should be able to accept
that the societal patterns of the roles, views and images of
women have changed and keep changing.
There seems to be so much intolerance of the new
independent woman by men and society at large. It is easy
for men to believe that women should hold the same views
as theirs – they must bear the same beliefs and knowledge as
them. But in reality things are different. Respect of the new
independent woman is what is needed. Tolerance means that
even if all women look similar, they are different and it is not a
problem. The independent woman must be tolerated and she
must learn to tolerate the man who finds himself in a crisis.
Educating ourselves of the changes we face in society and
accepting such dynamics is important because it informs us of
the issues we face and must tolerate.
Kate, like Welsh, has the right to think according to her
Christian beliefs and customs. And Welsh, like Kate, has the
right to practice his own culture and beliefs. What these two
individuals need to remember is to tolerate each other by not
forcing their individual beliefs, views and cultures on the
other. They should not be embarrassed by their own cultural
orientations or beliefs, and neither should they try to corner
each other into them.
Similarly,thewomanwhostillmaintainsthekitchenidentity
as the only identity for a woman should be able to tolerate
her educated counterpart who views time in the kitchen as a
