A brief look at types of conflict management styles, stages of conflict in the church, and a look at conflict from the Bible.

1. Conflict and Confrontation
in the Church
Caring Enough to Confront
Bukal Life Care, 2018

2. What Animal Are You in Conflict?

3. Competitive Sharks in Conflict
Feel the need to win
Place goals above relationships
Can be aggressive and autocratic
------------------------------------------------
-When right, can lead to solutions without
compromise.
-Can breed hostility and resentment

4. Collaborative Owls in Conflict
Look at conflicts as problems to solve.
Seek win-win negotiated resolutions
Value goals AND relationships
-----------------------
-Good in getting mutually agreeable
results
-Can be SLOW in getting resolutions

5. Avoidant Turtles in Conflict
Hides from / avoids conflict when possible
Passive and gives up own goals quickly
Uncooperative and unassertive
---------------------
-May help maintain relationships
-Conflicts may stay unresolved, and may
be taken advantage of

6. Accommodating Teddy Bears in
Conflict
Emphasize human relationships
Compromising and accommodating
Cooperative and non-assertive
------------------------
-Maintains relationships
-May produce unproductive resolutions,
and may be taken advantage of

7. Compromising Foxes in Conflict
Concerned about goals AND
relationships
Willing to sacrifice some goals and
encourage others to sacrifice as well
Assertive and cooperative
------------------
-Relationships are maintained and
conflicts removed.
-Unideal solutions may result

8. Notes:
-Two animals focus on relationships to
the exclusion of goals or values (turtles
and teddy bears)
-One animal focuses on goals to the
exclusion of relationships.
-Usually valuing both relationships and
goals is the best (owls and foxes) but in
fact different conflicts are handled
better by different “animals” in different
situations.

9. Stages of Church Conflict
Stage 1
-No Conflict Identified
-May (or may not) have a sense that
something is not right
-Nothing much to do at this point except
understand that conflicts ALWAYS exist

10. Stages of Church Conflict
Stage 2
-Conflict Identified
-The two sides SHOULD be able to
resolve issues without assistance
This is the best time to resolve a church
conflict because the conflict has not yet
become personal and emotionally
charged

11. Stages of Church Conflict
Stage 3
-Choosing sides
-The focus is on who is on what side, and
who are on the sidelines
Second best time to resolve the conflict.
Focus on keeping constructive
communication, and aim towards Win-
Win solutions

12. Stages of Church Conflict
Stage 4
-Spiraling of conflict (sometimes very
fast... sometimes slow burn)
-Collaboration and constructive
communication breaks down,
stereotyping occurs,
moralization/demonization.
Structured mediation needed with firm
ground rules

13. Stages of Church Conflict
Stage 5
-Winner takes all. Someone must go
-”Principle Language” masks Personal
Hostility. “The Greater Good”
Mediation still possible in a formal
authoritative setting (such as court). A
positive resolution is still possible, but
damage has been done

14. Stages of Church Conflict
Stage 6
-Aftermath. One or more are gone.
-Some are embarrassed. Some are full of
self-doubt. Some are still hurt and seek
to hurt others still
Mediation useful to redeem the situation.
(Multiplication through Division?)

15. Confront
Counsel (pagpayuhan/ bagbagaan)
Correct (itama ang asal/ tarimaanen ti
tignay)
Advise (pagpayuhan/ paligmaanan)
Admonish/reprove (pagsabihan/
babalawen)
Rebuke (isisi/ pabasolen)
Discipline (disciplinahin/ surwan)

16. Confrontation…
… is directed towards a negative behavior
of another in any relationship.
(family, work, team, classmates, friends)
More to do with sin and negative behavior
than issues…

17. Why do we avoid confrontation?
Fear of being disliked or rejected
Mistaken assumption that confrontation
will make matters worse
<When a person’s behavior is
inappropriate, avoiding confrontation
always worsens the situation.>

18. What happens if we do not
confront inappropriate behaviors?
Group suffers
Each group member suffers
The individual is robbed of opportunity
to learn and grow.

19. Proper attitude for confronting
Unselfish (in motive)
Desire for win-win result
Seeking people development
NOT while angry
Other’s best interest at heart

20. Guidelines in Confronting
1. Confront as soon as safely possible
2. Separate the person from their
actions
3. Only confront what the person can
change
4. Give person the benefit of the doubt
5. Be specific
6. Avoid sarcasm

21. 7. Avoid words like ‘always’ and ‘never’
8. Express feelings
9. Give a “game plan”
10. Affirm the person
<Guidelines by John Maxwell>

22. A.I.R. Method for Confronting
Step 1. Awareness (may
kaalaman/ ammo)
Inadvertently, Roy
dooms the entire
earth to
annihilation when,
in an attempt to
be friendly, he
seizes their
leader by the
head and shakes
vigorously.

23. Step 2.
Impact/
Consequence/
Cause and
Effect
(epekto)

24. Step 3. Request (makiusap/
ipakisuyo)

25. And if it’s a sticky problem and
you’re not sure of the solution,
invite collaboration.
“What are our options?”
“How can we resolve this?”

26. 10 Biblical Ways to Defuse
Attack when Confrontation has
gone Awry
1. Keep Silent (Isaiah 53:7)
2. Think Before You React (James 1:19-20)
3. Really Listen (James 1:19)
4. Respond Gently (Proverbs 15:1)
5. Agree with whatever is true
-in principle
-with the possibility of truth
(Matthew 5:25)

27. 10 Biblical Principles… (cont.)
6. Give caring feedback (I Peter 3:9)
7. Bless the person (Romans 12:14)
8. Avoid quarrelling (Ephesians 4:31)
9. Offer to help (Luke 6:27)
10. Ask for forgiveness (Psalm 51:3-4)

28. Case Study
King David confronted by his court
prophet. (II Samuel 12)
King David’s Response (Psalm 51)

29. The 4 R’s of Forgiveness/ Repentance
Take RESPONSIBILITY
Demonstrate REMORSE/REGRET
RESOLVE to change now
REPAIR the damage
“When someone goes through these 4 R’s with
sincerity. We have the obligation to forgive even
if the trust is not yet re-established.
As to that trust, here is an old Arabic saying:
“Forgive, but tie up your camel.”

30. References
-www.studycollaboration.com
-Sharpening Your Interpersonal Skills, by Gaylyn and Ken Williams
-How to Have That Difficult Conversation: Gaining the Skills for
Honest and Meaningful Communication, by Henry Cloud and
John Townsend
-The Ten Commandments of Postive Confronation. The John
Maxwell Co.
-http://www.drlaurablog.com/2008/11/25/forgiveness/
-If You Can't Say Something Nice, What Do You Say?: Practical
Solutions for Working Together Better. By Sarita Maybin
-http://www.resolvechurchconflict.com/the_stages_of_unresolved
_church_conflict.htm
-http://02e1cd2.netsolhost.com/wordpressDE/2011/07/09/
recognizing-stages-of-conflict-and-knowing-when-to-call-for-
help/

31. Conflict and Confrontation
in the Church
Caring Enough to Confront
Bukal Life Care, 2018
www.bukallifecare.org