SOTON TAB 2015 PRINT FINAL

CLUB
GUIDE
PAGE 8-9
WHERE ARE
YOUR TUITION
FEES GOING?BENJAMIN LOWRIE
A Soton Tab investigation into the
University’s financial policy found they
made a whopping £15.4m surplus for the
2013/14 financial year - despite many
students struggling to make ends meet.
Since the £9000 tuition fee came in, the
University has been dependent on fee
income to operate; while the university is
taking in a large amount of tuition fees as
a surplus (up to around £600 per student),
they already have at least £113m in
reserve.
The 2011/12 financial statement said
“the new fee regime should, assuming no
change in student numbers, be broadly
financially neutral for the University”- yet
student numbers have actually increased
since then.
As the University increased its targeted
surplus from 2% to 5% and continues
to increase student numbers- is enough
being done to help for those of us already
enrolled?
For example, the University
unceremoniously axed their most visible
policy on eliminating course costs last
year.
The ‘Student Entitlement’ system, which
gave every student at the University
£300 credit to spend on campus was
discontinued last year after being deemed
“extremely generous” in their 2014 OFFA
report.
The University failed to remove it from all
promotional materials, leading to many
incoming students believing they’d be
receiving the credit, only to be faced with
having to pay the full cost of their course
themselves.
Amy, a second year English student,
said “One of the reasons Southampton
attracted me to study English was the
£300 they used to give students to buy
books.”
Becky, a second year History student, said
she’d shelled out almost £200 on books
in her first year, and could only get by
“because she got a grant”.
While there is clearly help in place for
students from poorer backgrounds, it’s
clear that students who don’t qualify for
maintenance grants or bursaries suffer.
A spokesman for the University told
us “The University does invest a lot of
time, effort and money into supporting
students but we can only help students if
they come forward”.
“The University is here to listen and help”.
William, an English student on a year
abroad said, “I’ve just felt this sting of
buying my books without entitlement this
year, £300 so far for first term.”
He, like most students we spoke to, said
Continued on page 3...

WIN THIS
FRESHERS’
SURVIVAL PACK
Hi everyone,
Welcome to the Soton Tab’s annual
Fresher Special. We’re Southampton
Uni’s most popular news outlet, and this
year we begin bigger, better and more
outrageous than we’ve ever been. We
are your first place for all the BREAKING
news and OUTRAGEOUS scandal from
campus and around Southampton.
We’ve led our paper with a story on how
the University may not be providing
enough in return for your tuition fees,
and we pledge to continue uncovering
the issues that matter to students
throughout the year. We’ve also got
some exciting experience pieces and
guides to show you the way through
the exhilarating first few weeks of
University. From learning all of Jesters’
secrets, to working out what to wear
out- we’ve got you covered.
Our independence from the Students’
Union is what sets us apart; we’re able
to produce content that you want to see
and that you want to read about, without
censorship. We’re written by students,
about students, and for students.
Other than this special print edition, the
Soton Tab is primarily online-based, so
make sure you ‘like’ us on Facebook to
stay up to date with all the hottest news,
opinion and gossip on campus.
We’re always on the lookout for talented
new writers and this year we’re working
closely with the national Tab in order
to provide more talks, workshops and
events for our writers. We are also
running competitions for festivals, gold
cards and all kinds of prizes so like our
Facebook page and follow us on Twitter
to ensure you’re kept fully up to date
with everything you need to know.
We hope you enjoy everything you
read in this paper, and if you’d
like get involved over the coming
year we’d love to hear from you at
editor@sotontab.co.uk
Joel and Ben,
Co-Editors-in-Chief
A NOTE FROM
THE EDITORS
EDITORIAL
TEAM
Co-Editors-in-Chief:
Ben Lowrie & Joel Foreman
News:
James Slonina & Ed Bannister
Opinion:
Anna Christoforou & Harry Majin
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Features:
Elle Larson, Poppy Whitworth,
Rebecca Rodney & Sammy Brichard
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Jake Fritz
Marketing & Finance Director:
Trini Philip
Technical Director:
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PAGE 2 sotontab.co.uk

the cost of the tuition fees and course
costs would be worth it as long as they get
their degree at the end.
This goes along with the Minister for
Education’s claim last week that unis
care more about research than teaching,
claiming staff are willing to “award you
the degree as the hoped-for job ticket
in return for compliance with minimal
academic requirements and due receipt
of fees”.
He added that equally, “[Students] don’t
want to do coursework that would distract
[them] from partying.”
The lack of any significant criticism
towards the reduction in accessibility
funds for the majority of students
suggests many really are willing to accept
any treatment in exchange for their
degrees.
For example, some Humanities students
have been forced to hold lectures in the
Union’s Cinema due to a lack of teaching
space, described as “awkward” and
“uncomfortable”, while others said “as
long as we had a space to learn it was
fine.”
Despite this clear issue with campus
space, the University has continued to
focus its investment on Halls buildings,
including a £20m development near Glen
Eyre, and the £23.5m City Gateway Halls.
Clearly, with the University system’s new
dependence on tuition fees, our uni is
trying to increase revenue streams by
increasing its capacity- and successfully,
as shown by this year’s record intake of
6000.
However, if they cannot provide enough
for-purpose teaching space to satisfy
current student numbers, why are they
expanding so rapidly? This is on top of the
infamous lack of social space on campus,
on which no real development has been
made as the Union attempts to make the
most of its incredibly limited space.
The University’s spokesman said “Despite
our steady growth in student numbers,
there is also a rise in the costs of providing
systems, buildings, infrastructure and
people,”
“Over recent years, the costs have
increased to the point where our surplus
has not been as great as we would have
liked in order to provide sufficient funds
for added investment in the University.”
“We seek to find the right balance of
income and costs, [but] we’re also
working hard to maintain the high quality
of experience required of our students
and staff.”
The University’s financial review for 2013-
14 suggests “expenditure was contained
to a relatively modest level”, while growth
in income was driven primarily by an
“increase in student fee income”.
By expanding their surpluses while
making courses less affordable to the
average student, the Uni is seemingly
prioritising its future economic prosperity
over the needs of its current students as
a policy.
The incoming Vice-Chancellor, Sir
Christopher Snowden, has said in the past
that “Universities have to be businesslike
to succeed, securing income from a wide
range of sources on a competitive basis.”
Since the tuition fee increase, students
with low contact hours are starting to
feel like they aren’t getting value from
their tuition fees. Nick Hillman, director
of the Higher Education Policy Institute,
told Vice this year that the HEPI has found
students “increasingly think they’re not
getting good value for money.”
“There’s not a lot of evidence they’re doing
much about that in terms of protesting or
demandingthingsfromtheiruniversities.”
All of this points back to the Minister
for Education’s comment; increasingly,
universities just want funding for
research, and students just want their
degree- and they’re willing to accept any
treatment to get it.
Continued from front page.
STUDENTS PRANK HOUSEMATE WITH 5000 BALLOONSSome sneaky students went the extra mile to teach their housemate not to leave his room unlocked. They blew up a whopping 5000 balloons to surprise their
unsuspecting roomie after he went home for the weekend. The story absolutely blew up and earnt the boys a week of fame as the story went all over the world.
PAGE 3sotontab.co.uk

JESTERS’ HIDDEN
SECRETSJAMES SLONINA
It’s the start of a new year at the University
of Southampton. New faces, new places, but
one treasured institution of Southampton re-
mains: the ever-hallowed Jesters.
BAYWATCH
PULLING
(IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT.)
THE FOUR
CORNERS
CHALLENGE
THE TOILETS
You don’t really pull in Jesters. It’s more a
drunken and clumsy routine of disappoint-
ment. There you are, drunkenly swaying
to the sound of some cheesy music, when
you discover your overexcited teenage li-
bido swimming around in the bottom of
your drink. All of a sudden that ‘bad idea’ of
sleeping with your flatmate becomes the
‘best idea’ since having that last Jesticle.
You both imagine a night of beautiful roman-
tic love making. A bed covered in roses, an 8
You wouldn’t expect the toilets to be a high-
light of a night out in a club, especially when
you see the state of the Jesters toilets. How-
ever, despite being disgusting, the Jesters
toilets have plenty to entertain you whilst you
relieve yourself.
Firstly, you can add to the large amounts of
obscene graffiti that decorates the walls of
the toilets, or just sit/stand back and enjoy the
drunken scribbles left by your predecessors.
In the men’s loo you also have the ancient
sport of urinal fountain pissing. Think of a
champagne glass fountain, but with piss…in
Jesticle cups. And yes, they do re use those
cups.
For the ladies they’ve got the ‘twobicle’. Ap-
parently girls like to talk to each other when
they’re in the loo? Well now you can do it
whilst you’re actually weeing! Sort of a killing
two birds with one stone kinda situation.
THE GOLD
CARD
Soon after you go to Jesters you are sure to
hear about the famous and rare Jesters Gold
card. This little bit of plastic gold will soon
become more valuable to you then your debit
card, student ID, and the love and respect of
your parents.
What makes these cards so special is not just
the fact that it gets you queue jump and free
entry for 5 days of the week, but is the ways
This one isn’t for the faint hearted, and much
like Lord Voldemort, or that girl you slept with
on the first night, it’s something you just don’t
talk about.
However, as the name suggests, to complete
the Jesters four corners challenge one must
perform a specific act of debauchery in each
of the 4 corners of Jester’s dance floor.
Although you will probably never witness this
challenge be attempted, and would most like-
ly be thrown out before it could be completed,
it is still apart of the rich tapestry of Jester’s
legend.
Because we’ve got a reputation to uphold, we
can’t tell you what these vile acts would be,
but suffice it to say they involve every bodily
fluid you can think of.
Although there is a lot of mythology surround-
ing Jesters that may or may not appeal to you,
it truly is an experience like no other. It is also
one that you cannot properly experience until
you go yourself. So put on your Primarni Jest-
ers shoes, get the pre drinks in and get your
arse down there.
Unfortunately this doesn’t mean Pamela An-
dersonandDavidHasselhoffaregoingtobless
themoistdancefloorwiththeirpresence.Butit
doesmeanthatthethemetunetotheirhit90’s
show will be played at some point every night.
For all you naturists out there this will quickly
become your favourite time of the night. Tra-
dition means that when the Baywatch theme
plays (and it does without fail) you must re-
move whatever piece of clothing covers your
upper body, and spin it around your head.
Don’t be too afraid. By this point in the night
you should be suitably rat arsed and not care
about the dripping armpit of your smelly flat-
mate being in your face. If you’re not, then go
and buy another Jesticle… now.
If you’re new around here, by now you will
have most likely heard the legends of the so
called ‘Palace of dreams’. Apart from being
voted the number one worst nightclub in the
country, it is also one of the funnest nights
out you will ever have.
You have probably already been told countless
times about the need to buy ‘Jesters shoes’.
You’ve also probably heard plenty about the
resident cocktail (in the loosest sense of the
word): a ‘Jesticle’ and the somewhat loose
dress code.
While these cliches are true, here are some
things you may not have heard, but will defi-
nitely need to know:
inch penis, and at least one orgasm. The real-
ity? A lot of tonguey kissing, a penis that will
stay erect for all of 5 minutes, and an apology.
You might even get a cuddle if you’re lucky.
in which you can acquire them. The easiest
way to get one is to attend one of Jesters ‘ci-
der festivals’ and stay inside the palace for 12
straight hours. Be prepared for lots of mara-
thon drinking, hours of unrelenting Jesters
smell, and frustrating games of monopoly. But
it is all worth it in the end.
Sex doesn’t have to be the be all and end
all of Uni but it plays a big part in many
students lives and can entirely alters your
life if you sleep with the right person. With
that in mind, your choice of halls can play
a massive role.
For those in Connaught, you can expect to
bang 5.72 people in your time. Expect to
be unlucky in love however if you’ve end-
ed up in Hartley Grove or Archers Road, as
chances are that you won’t even get round
to regretting sleeping with four people
during your time here.
HORNIEST
HALLS
GOES TO...
5.72
5.0
4.68
4.46
4.3
4.22
4.17
4.13
3.85
3.19
Connaught
Erasmus Park
Private Rented
Highfield
Bencraft Court
Glen Eyre
Orions Point
Monte
Hartley Grove
& Chamberlain
Archers Road

SAMMY BRICHARD
Take it from me, freshers: your first year
in halls will be remembered as a seriously
cool one.
You’ll be in limbo – not quite trusted with
the responsibility of a house to yourself,
yet still miles from your parents and free
to get mindlessly drunk in your kitchen in
the middle of the day.Having just done
this for the most part of a year myself, I
feel semi-qualified to offer a few morsels
of residential wisdom for your year of Uni
accommodation.
There will be nothing in this article about
keeping your halls clean. Don’t even bother
trying.
Getting to know your halls of residence
staff is a good start, and may well save
you vicious confrontation in the future.
Part of this process will probably and
unfortunately involve learning to love
your cleaner. The irritable minion whose
job it is to scrub your shitty kitchen will
quickly become the bane of your life. This
group of mouth breathers and underpaid
floor scrubbers enjoy nothing more than
battering your door down with their hoover
at eight in the morning whilst you are
succumbing to one of those hangovers
that makes your eye sockets ache.
While mortal combat may be a plausible
short term solution, unfortunately the only
thing you can really do in the long run is
make them a few cups of tea and suggest
that they take it easy on the door whacking.
Although if you’re really desperate, it may
be a good idea to leave your kitchen in
such a bad state that they refuse to enter
for forty eight hours whilst you tidy – this
worked a good twenty three times for us.
As far as kitchens go, here’s what i’ve
learned: Peoples milk will leak on and
around your food if you put it on the bottom
shelf. If someone else has taken the top
shelf, man up and move their stuff.
Either embrace kitchen communism or buy
a padlock for your cupboard. Sharing is
caring, and if your flatmates are anything
like me, they will take your stuff. Nothing is
worse than squirming from hunger pains to
find all your bread has been cruelly taken.
That said, there is nothing wrong with
helping yourself to other people’s stuff.
Don’t make holes in your kitchen. This is
probably unlikely to happen, but is worth
mentioning because as we found out
from playing hockey in our kitchen, holes
in the wall are charged at £20 per square
fucking centimetre. They never found the
one in the ceiling.
If you like your cutlery, don’t have a ‘shared
cutlery drawer.’ Chances are you will
be sharing this kitchen with unhygienic
slobs and petty thieves, so don’t pretend
that this will be some kind of convenient
arrangement that will make sharing a
kitchen less of an utter fucking nightmare.
Another handy thing I have learned is the
importance of talking to the quiet ones.
Every flat will have some form of nocturnal
creature, a rare bird who only surfaces on
special occasions or during a full moon.
My advice for befriending these strange
wallflowers is to get in there quickly,
because ‘what is your name?’ is not an
acceptable question in week three.
Admittedly, getting them completely loose
on cheap alcohol is another effective tactic
– we were confused yet sort of delighted
when our spectacled introvert returned
home in an ambulance after his first ever
night on the lash. But remember, they
don’t have the hardened alcohol tolerance
that you do, and you may well almost kill
them.
Upon arrival, your halls may seem a bit
strict, but don’t take the rules of residence
too seriously, chaps. The ten quid fine that
is imposed after you get locked out one too
many times will actually probably never
happen. Don’t smoke in your kitchen, but
you may well get away with it a few times.
Definitely blast music as loud as it will go,
because this is your constitutional right,
and the staff love a bit of ABBA at three in
the morning.
Pass out in the corridor because these
people are employed to help you back into
bed, and those last three metres to your
bedroom are the inebriated equivalent
of walking to freaking Mordor. Complain
about your revolting shower at every
given opportunity. Keep your room messy,
because tidying is handy procrastination
when you ought to be revising. Play real
life fruit ninja at pre-drinks. Do whatever.
Test the ‘carry you to bed’ service that is
included in the cost of your halls.
Most importantly though, have a
ridiculously good time, all the time.
Freshers year is pretty much a chaotic
doss around, and your grades don’t count
anyway. This is the perfect excuse to utilise
your new found halls of residence by
having extremely rowdy pre-drinks at least
four or five times a week. So whilst you
should probably save the pyrotechnics for
when you have your own house, you can
do pretty much whatever else in the mean
time. Take it easy kids, buenas noches.
THE RULES OF
RESIDENCE
GOOD
VIBRATIONS
This unfortunately named professor brings
a whole new meaning to sucking up to your
lecturers. Dr Brian J Tester, is a Principal
Research Fellow in the Institution of Sound
and Vibration Research, and not as the name
suggests, a qualified BJ Tester.

YOUR GUIDE TO
SOUTHAMPTON’S
NIGHTLIFE
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
SUNDAY
Monday is obviously going to start with
the biggest cult nightclub (and night) in
Southampton. Berlin has Berghain, Ibiza has
Space, London has Fabric, and Southampton
has, uhhh, Jesters. If you take away the iconic
music, swanky venues and the finesse the
previous three clubs have to offer, and replace
it with ridiculously cheap alcohol, some
infamous antics and pure, unadulterated
cheese, you may have some semblance of
what Jesters has to offer. Do not take our word
for it though, like true love or scoring with a
goalkeeper on FIFA, Jesters is something that
has to be experienced to be appreciated. Oh
and also, it’s an overused, shit cliché, but
don’t wear nice shoes.
Tuesday will not only introduce you to the
cheapest vodka in Southampton, but also
two of the nicest owners. Sobar Tuesdays,
run by Becky and Paris, is almost as messy
as Jesters perhaps with slightly better
music. It’s a very sociable night, with Sobar’s
massive outdoors area being the place most
people reside all night, and should definitely
be tried at least once. I’d advise two pints
of water and two aspirin before bed, as
well as a Lucozade in the morning though.
Got to keep those electrolyte levels high.
The night where people pretend to be a bit
more classy and sample the rather more
conventional nightclubbing Southampton has
to offer: Oceana. Drinks are relatively cheap,
and it is a popular student night. The music
is pretty much anything from afro-beats to
Aerosmith, so something for everyone I
suppose. There’s the famous cheese room
to, for those of you who prefer a trip back to
the halcyon days where Atomic Kitten were a
prominent force in the musical world.
Parfait. That’s French for perfect, an apt way
to describe this night of brilliance. The Choc-
olate Factory is the name of the night, and
it’s pretty brilliant if I’m being honest. There’s
nothing particularly special about it, it just
seems to do the trick week in week out. Of-
fering very little more than any of the other
nights do, it has a certain magic to it, a certain
charm, mainly for the fact it manages to make
something of arguably the most pointless and
mundane day of the week. If semi skimmed
milk were a day, it would be a Thursday – Par-
fait bravely stands up to this.
Locals night, which means the price goes up.
Just about everywhere is open, but special
mentions have to go to Junk, who are one
time winners of the Best Small Club in the UK
award. On a Saturday you’ll be able to catch
some of the hottest names in Underground
dance music, and if that’s your thing, it’s a
club with a cracking atmosphere that delivers
some amazing parties. It’s also blessed with
a great sound system, and a very intimate
dancefloor, and a definite contender for my
favourite club.
Seriously? You need to start taking more care
of your body. If God was supposed to have
rested on the 7th day then who do you think
you are? Why are you even reading this bit?
You should have seen Saturday and said “Oh
great, that’s all 6 days people normally go out
covered, now I’m going to move on to another
article, or get on with whatever I was doing.”
Your insatiable appetite for partying needs to
calm down.
SATURDAY
FRIDAY
Is the biggest student night in Southampton,
at Switch. The club only opened last year,
and through a combination of its Saturday
night electronic specials, it’s massive, mas-
sive festival Soundclash (which is back this
September), and it’s sell out student night
Juiced, Switch is now probably the biggest
nightclub in Southampton, and deservedly so,
with its massive capacity, impressive sound
system, incredible lights show and sound
owners. If this doesn’t become a regular
night for 95% of readers I’ll be very surprised.
Worth noting too that Switch have some
huge names heading through their doors this
semester, so worth checking that out too.
JAKE FRITZ
Being completely honest, clubbing is
probably going to feature in a great deal of
your lives as freshers – and luckily for you,
Southampton has a pretty impressive nightlife
scene, with a whole array of different nights
for all sorts of different tastes. Obviously then,
it would be rude of us not to break these nights
down for you, so here is our fool proof guide
to Southampton’s lovely (and not so lovely)
nightlife, laid out for you in chronological
order that is probably more organised than my
life.
FRESHER
GETS HEAD
STUCK IN
BOTTLE
BANKDistressing scenes in the city centre last
year as a Solent fresher got her head
stuck in a bin after a bet went horribly
wrong. She was quickly rescued by fire-
men, with the fire crew manager saying “I
imagine she was looking for more drink.”
She’d been bet £10 and a Big Mac.

FRESHERS’
CLUB STYLE
GUIDEELLE LARSON
Picking an outfit for a Southampton night
out will become second nature to you.
However, as a fresher, your choice of clothes
might seem like a big decision. In reality
pretty much anything goes in Southampton,
from fancy dress to fancy dresses, but for
those new to the town here’s the Soton Tab
guide of what to wear where.
Of course, we can only let you know a clubber’s
typical night out attire – you’ll soon see for
yourself that anything goes in Southampton,
so what you wear where is totally up to you!
THESE WON’T STILL BE
WHITE BY THE END OF THE
SEMESTER...
JESTERS
Its reputation for being one of the country’s
grimmest nightclubs precedes it, but
nevertheless, Jesters is guaranteed to be
rammed full of students every Monday from
Freshers Week until graduation day. It’s like
Marmite (you’ll either love it or hate it) but
regardless, you’ll be there in your first few
weeks at Southampton. Anything goes outfit-
wise in Jesters, mainly because it’s the usual
destination of those on fancy-dress socials,
and also since – two Jesticles later – no-one
will be sober enough to notice what you look
like anyway. Starting the semester with a pair
of dedicated Jesters shoes is a must though,
unless you want your best creps soaked and
soiled.
The hosts of Warehouse Presents events every
week, Switch Saturdays is the destination of
house music lovers. In true hipster-style, think
wavey patterned jackets, chokers and bum-
bags galore. For a standard Friday, Switch is
the classiest a student night gets, so feel free
to glam up. For girls, heels are welcome but
don’t be surprised to see others opting for the
comfier choice of trainers or flats.
EMBRACING HOUSE NIGHT
AT SWITCH
SWITCH
If there’s anywhere to make an effort it has to
be Southampton’s biggest nightclub. Oceana
is a taxi ride away from most halls and student
homes, so coats and flats can be left at home.
Although trainers are allowed for boys on
student nights, many take the opportunity to
dress up with a shirt and shoes. Girls, bring
out the dresses and heels (or at least heeled
boots) for a more sophisticated night out.
OBLIGATORY GREY
GOOSE PHOTO
OCEANA
Backdrop to the famous fresher’s Bloc Party
and the Big Night Out, Bedford Place is an area
including Buddha Lounge, Tokyo, Popworld
and Orange Rooms. As they’re often the
destinations of locals as well as students, the
typical attire at these bars and clubs includes
a variety of smart and smart casual. Any guys
will be appropriate in either a T-shirt or shirt,
but ditch your hoodie on this occasion. For the
girls, anything from jeans and a nice top to a
dress is suitable.
REPPIN’ THE BIG NIGHT OUT
BEDFORD PLACE
While also home to socials of all sorts, Sobar
is generally a bit more upmarket than Jesters.
Boys, you’ll get away with a T-shirt and jeans;
girls, opt for shorts or a skirt if you’re feeling
fancy. A choice of flat shoes will be a decision
you definitely won’t regret when climbing the
outside staircase. If it’s raining then take a
jacket because you’ll definitely be outside for
most of the night (be it in the queue or the
smoking area), but apart from that casual
attire is sufficient.
SOBAR
Try to be a BNOC by
attending four different
‘prinks’ every night
Say ‘prinks’ and hate
yourself more every
single time
Start ironically saying
“girls night in” whenever
you’re having a girls
night in
Start ironically saying
“lads night out”
whenever you’re having
a lads night out
Start an abusive group
chat about a flatmate
YOUR
SOCIAL
BUCKET
LIST
Start pre-drinking at
noon
Develop a tolerance for
basics vodka
Tactically chunder at
pre-drinks
Return to the party after
Down a dirty pint
without gagging
YOUR
ALCOHOL
BUCKET
LIST

So you’ve finally rolled out of bed, it’s almost
dinner time and you need to refuel. Thankfully
you’re now sober and can dare to cook
something slightly more challenging: the full
English breakfast, the student budget version.
The beauty of the full English is that it can
be adapted to even the direst of shopping
budgets. The minimalist version just involves
toast, bacon, eggs and baked beans. Fry up
your bacon and eggs, warm your beans in
the microwave (saves washing up another
saucepan) and toast your bread. If your
weekly budget can extend further, feel free to
add mushrooms, chips, tomatoes, sausages or
even some hash browns.
THE
HANGOVER
CURE
ANNA CHRISTOFOROU
One of the biggest fears you might have when
starting university is whether you’ll put on
the “Freshers’ Fifteen”.
However, those extra pounds won’t just be
from excessive alcohol consumption. With
hours of waiting in the queue for Sobar and
nights spent cutting shapes on the Jesters
dance floor, your typical three square meals a
day won’t quite cut it. You will need extra fuel
to keep you going. Here’s my advice to cut the
kebabs and beat the “freshers’ fifteen”.
FRESHERS’
EATING CYCLE
YOU’VE EARNED IT.
ADD TOMATOES OR HAM
THE PRE-NIGHT
OUT SNACK
So you’re dressed, your carefully chosen
playlist is popping off and you are ready to
start the night. Before anything else you need
a pre-drink snack. Something that will make
the wait for the bus and the queue into Jesters
slightly more bearable: the humble cheese
toastie.
Simple,quickandeffectiveandwithbothcarbs
and cheese, the two essential food groups.
Simply pop some bread and a few chunks of
cheddar into the toastie machine and you’re
good to go. If you aren’t fortunate enough to
have a flatmate who splashed their loan on a
toastie machine then just melt some cheese
on toast under the grill, you utter maniac.
sauce really isn’t worth the hassle. So keep it
simple. Pop some curly fries in the oven whilst
you chug some water and then add whichever
condiments you prefer.
If you’re looking for a more instant meal I
can also recommend super noodles, and
don’t waste your time with the overpriced Pot
Noodles, the 18p packs of Aldi super noodles
do the trick just fine! Operating a kettle
does require some semblance of sobriety so
there is no shame, at least not whilst you’re
still drunk, in asking a friend to do it for you.
Wait three minutes and you have yourself the
perfect snack.
THE POST-
NIGHT OUT
SNACK
For those of you who cannot afford the luxury
of adding cheese to your weekly shop, a
bowl of cereal does the trick. My personal
recommendation is cookie crisp but if you’re
slightly more health conscious a good bowl
of granola could also work. Not only will this
keep you going all night but the dairy in the
milk will help minimise your hangover the
next morning: win-win!
YUM.
So you’ve conquered Jesters. You’ve managed
to resist the temptation of Chick-o-land.
You’ve crawled your way up the stairs into
your kitchen. You’ve definitely earned some
form of edible reward: curly fries.
Now trust me, your drunk-self might
believe that you can up the ante and whip
up something more challenging at 3 in the
morning but waking up with a half-eaten
bowl of spaghetti next to you and realising
you’ve wasted an entire tub of Bolognese
If you think your culinary abilities are up to it
you can also try whipping up some pancakes.
For pancakes, it’s all about the toppings
and if you’re recovering from a night-out I
recommend something like banana and honey
(sugar and carbs are ideal for battling nausea
and shakiness).
Never underestimate the power of food during
freshers. It’ll help you forge friendships,
endure hours of queueing, crawl your way
home and survive the inevitable hangovers.
POPPY’S
BUDGET
BITES
SAUSAGES AND
MASH 60p
MASH your budget with
this one.
2 x Sausage: £0.20
Potatoes: £0.20
Gravy: £0.05
Peas: £0.15
CHICKEN KIEV
& CHIPS81p
Like the Ukrainian city,
this one will become a
safehaven for your wal-
let from the bombing of
the student lifestyle
Chicken kievs: £0.50
Chips: £0.16
Peas: £0.15
BEANS ON
TOAST45p
A cheap classic,
done on the cheap.
Baked beans: £0.25
Two slices of bread:
£0.20
FISHCAKES 59p
This shouldn’t exist but
it does and I’ll be forever
thankful to Sainsbury’s for
that.
2 x Fish cake: £0.28
Chips: £0.16
Peas: £0.15

WHY YOU
SHOULD
AIM FOR
A FIRST
AS A
FRESHER
INTERNSHIPS
Hardly anybody knows what they want to do
these days, which is all the more reason why
you should try and get as much experience in
the job world as possible. Penultimate year in-
ternships open in September of second year
and so you have to submit first year grades. If
you just scraped through thanks to your sum-
mer retakes, you’re unlikely to be successful.
GRADUATE
JOBS
With 40% of graduates being unemployed 6
months into their entry into the job market, it
is becoming harder and harder to secure the
job of your dreams. Having that first in first
year may just be the thing to make your appli-
cation shine.
YEARS ABROAD
Depending on your department, there will be
opportunities to apply to study abroad in your
second and third years. However, going to uni-
versity in Hong Kong doesn’t come easy so its
only those that have solid grades throughout
their university careers that actually stand a
chance.
EASIER
TRANSITION
INTO SECOND
YEAR
For most of us that didn’t lift a finger as a
Fresher, entering second year can be a bit of
a shock. If you learned how to secure a seat
in the library during exam season as a Fresher
you will have a serious advantage when it “re-
ally matters”.
YOU’RE PAYING
£9000 A YEAR
There will always be people that laugh at the
Freshers who sit with their head in the books
throughout the year…but ultimately, you pay a
lot of money for the honour of getting a de-
gree. Why on earth would you not want the
most out of it?
REBECCA RODNEY
Throughout first year, Freshers are con-
stantly told to stop being so uptight, first
year doesn’t matter and to stop hogging the
library. Fair enough. For many degrees the
first year of academics has no bearing on the
final grade, but here are all the reasons you
should still try:
Graduation is always a time for excitement but this year topped
anything seen before as Ian Ying proposed to girlfriend of two
years Chloe Ou. “I’m standing here, because I have something to
say, to a very important person in my life... Who came into my life
and now I live a happier life than I ever have” he told the audience.
Fortunately she accepted leaving SUSU President Ben Franklin
“grinning from ear to ear”.
GRADUATION CEREMONY INTERRUPTED BY
SHOCK MARRIAGE PROPOSAL

SOUTHAMPTON
IS THE GREATEST
UNIVERSITY IN
THE WORLD(PROBABLY.)
HARRY MAJIN
League tables can’t put a number on
character.
I sat in front of my computer as a bright-eyed
and hopeful year thirteen student. With my
UCAS application almost ready, I went to fill
in my university choices. There was only one
place I wanted to go, one place which offered
everything I wanted. Sadly I went and ballsed
up my A-Levels, and somehow found myself at
Southampton.
As I’ve come to discover, coming to
Southampton is actually pretty great. I’ve
almost completely forgotten about being
brutally rejected by Durham, honest (ABB is
PERFECT and they are fools for rejecting me).
The atmosphere at Southampton is fantastic.
Unlike Oxbridge or Durham we have an
acceptable number of private school kids,
meaning you won’t feel out of place if your
wardrobe is devoid of Jack Wills or if your
dad doesn’t own a yacht. The vast majority
of people are very chilled, and we attract
students from all over the world so the uni has
a very diverse feel.
The campus itself is a delightful blend of
artistic new-build lecture theatres and some
the most hideous concrete monstrosities you
will ever see, with the gorgeous Hartley
Library standing proud at its centre. We have
a huge number of halls rooms available, from
the vast Wessex Lane complex to the brand
new Gateway Halls. Southampton is truly
a place where the old and the new exist in
perfect harmony (until we get permission to
bulldoze the ugly bits).
As a uni, Southampton is on the up. This year
has seen a record intake of freshers, and we
have risen in various league tables. More
students means more money for the uni to
plough back into facilities and staff, so expect
to see development continuing over the next
few years.
Sure, we’re no Cambridge when it comes to
academics, but what we lack in league table
places we more than make up for in nightlife
(and let’s be honest does anyone REALLY care
about boat races). Every night of the week
offers a student option at pretty reasonable
prices. From the infamous Jesters to the
slightly more high-brow Switch or Bedford
Place, there’s something to suit all tastes.
You won’t get £1.50 triples on Tuesdays in
Cambridge.
The music scene in Southampton is growing.
The emergence of Switch has helped bring
some big house DJs in and created the
Soundclash festival, while Bestival founder
Rob Da Bank flexed his musical muscle to
create Common People, a Bestival satellite
festival which was a hit at the start of Summer.
If dance music isn’t your thing there’s always
the chart music in Sobar or the Oceana cheese
room to retreat to (I’ll be the guy cutting
shapes to Don’t Stop Movin’).
Finally, our location is another bonus. We’re
far enough away from London so that house
prices and living costs aren’t astronomical,
but close enough that most of the country is
easily accessible via road, sea or even from
Southampton Airport. Plus we’re not in the
North, so that’s something.
Southampton isn’t the pinnacle of academia,
or the most picturesque city. But despite this,
it’s a place every student comes to love. It is
everything you could want from a university;
a place where you are guaranteed to have a
good time with some great people, and you
come out with a degree at the end of it all.
EVERYTHING
YOU NEED TO
KNOW ABOUT
SOUTHAMPTON
The grand tour of
your new home.
Page 22

MAKE YOUR HALLS
BETTER THAN HOME
RACHEL WINTER
For some, moving into halls might seem
pretty daunting.
When you first drag your suitcase in, it might
seem impossible that the empty flat ahead
will one day truly feel like ‘home’. However,
don’t panic, it will all come together and this
is an incredible opportunity to finally create
your own space, however you like it. Here are
just a few tips to help you along the way….
IT’S A CLICHE,
BUT POSTER UP
Bare walls can make any room feel a bit cold
and impersonal, so I know its generic but I
can’t stress enough how important it is to
stick a few posters up. They make great con-
versation starters and there’s always a whole
load for sale during freshers week, so you can
use this as a chance to get some new ones if
you feel like brightening up the room.
PHOTO BOMB
Missing friends from home? Want to relive gap
year memories? Bring a bunch of old photos
along and either put them up on your wall (lots
of accommodation have massive pin boards
perfect for this) or just dot them around your
room in frames. Catching one in the corner of
your eye can be the perfect pick me up when
you’re feeling a bit low.
THE HALLS ARE
ALIVE WITH THE
SOUND OF MUSIC
Silence (although unlikely in halls!) can make
everything seem more dreary, so whenever
you’re chilling in your room be sure to have
some of your favorite tunes going. This acts as
a signal that you’re in for anyone keen to chat,
a motivator to get some work done or a per-
fect bonding opportunity when you hear your
favorite song blaring from another room.
HATE TO MOTHER
YOU, BUT TIDY UP
One thing you may notice about your family
home is that (your room aside perhaps) it’s
normally pretty clean. Without your parents
nagging you to keep it tidy, your room may
descend pretty fast – it’s not worth it. Sweep
SNACK ATTACK
If you’re feeling homesick, having a cheeky
pack of digestives in your bedside cabinet
can makes the world of difference if you don’t
fancy plodding to the kitchen in your slippers.
Furthermore, a 6 pack of Red Bull might be
useful in any all nighters before exams, when
leaving your room might lead to distraction!
On the other hand, be sure to have some cakes
or biscuits around in the kitchen to share with
your flatmates and other friends you meet.
Cooking as a flat is always part of the fun
and themed nights are great for communal
bonding. Mexican or Italian are good places
to start!
ACCESORISE
Got a rug from your trip to Bali? That scented
candle your mum lights every night to make
the house smell nice? Bring it all! People are
likely to notice unusual items and inquire as
to where you got it, and the little touches can
make the room much more cosy.
DON’T FORGET
THE REST
Don’t forget, the whole flat is your home, not
just your room. Chat to your flat mates about
putting a few posters up in the hall or kitch-
en or perhaps after a few nights out, stick
up some photos of you all together. You’ll be
amazed by the end of the year looking back at
those first few nights and seeing how every-
one has changed!
BRING A LITTLE
LIFE TO THE
HOUSE
It’s funny, but some people find having some-
thing living makes a room feel more homey.
Most accommodation, not just halls, won’t al-
low pets so a house plant is the closest you’ll
get! Some flowers add a dash of color and a bit
of fragrance.
HOST THE MOST
‘Home is where the heart is’ as the saying
goes. Invite people you meet in lectures,
neighbors from other halls or friends from
any societies you join to your halls for a cup of
tea and a slice of cake. It’s a great ice breaker
and bringing people back to your place really
makes it feel like your own space.
MOST OF ALL,
BRING A DOOR
WEDGE
How you feel about a space is what truly
makes it your home. Wedging your door open
whenever you’re in will leave a permanent
opportunity to hear people coming and going
and join in everything going on! Once you feel
happy wandering to the kitchen at 1am to get
a coffee to power through your last essay or a
slice of someone’s birthday cake as a midnight
snack, you’ll know you’ve found home. And
most likely, you’ll find someone else there al-
ready doing exactly the same thing.
round every few days, and without the clutter
your space will be much easier to live in, as
most halls are quite pokey.
Post your 3:59pm essay
submission screenshot
to Facebook- you’re such
a legend.
Spend ten minutes
in the library without
getting mugged off by
third years.
Add a lecturer on
Facebook- they love it.
Put your hand up and
ask to go to the toilet.
Actually get a first in
something.
YOUR
EDUCATION
BUCKET
LIST
Bullishly refuse to do
the washing up for
absolutely no reason.
Never use a fresh towel
again in your life.
Tweet ‘I wish McDonalds
delivered’ while
hungover.
Wear a top for the third
time without a wash.
Gag after accidentally
catching a sniff of your
tea towel.
THE
INEVITABLE
BUCKET
LIST
MORE ON THE NEXT PAGE...

REST IN
PEACE,
SNAPCHATSnapchat was
potentially
revolutionary, now
it’s just a murky
backwater of
social media.
Speaking of burning, this person wouldn’t
find themselves down-wind of a dodgy chick-
en shop. No, instead they’ll boast of their
perfect, home-made and potentially home-
grown salad as your stomach cries itself into
a coma on the toilet (perfect Snapchat check-
ing time). As much as I would view this as an
achievement if I myself had done it, they’re
clearly a professional in waiting as that very
evening they’ve uploaded pictures of their
own mango souffle.
THE FOODIE
We get it. You own seven cats, four dogs, three
snakes, two turtles and a goldfish. Nobody
cares. I’ve seen dogs before, and each was as
dull as the last one. We’ve been watching your
cat sit still on your story for the last 150 sec-
onds of our lives, and countless stories before
that. Please, don’t take your boredom out on
us anymore.
THE ANIMAL
LOVER
Tenuous but worth mentioning. This individ-
ual takes pride in how shite he is at cooking
and he wants you all to know how unskilled
he is, in the hope that we’ll just assume that
they’re amazing at something else. Unfortu-
nately, we don’t.
THE
NON-FOODIE
This person, probably a girl, finds themselves
in a different one of London’s rooftop bars ev-
ery Friday night for the world’s most expen-
sive pre-drinks. And they go on 17 “getaways”
to islands in the Med a year. The worst bit is
that this person has been sitting behind you
in lectures for the last five months and you
just couldn’t be bothered to get to know them
properly. And they’ve just taken four of your
coursemates to New York for the week. Fuck.
They’ll still get a 2:1 as well.
THE ONE RICH
PERSON YOU
KNOW
This guy refuses to recognise that the UK is
a pretty small place and that, oddly enough,
the weather is the same pretty much over the
country. When the weather is absolute balls,
the last thing anyone wants to see on their
Snapchat is MORE RAIN. They will, without
fail, mention the month that the weather phe-
nomena is occurring in too. Sorry pal, 1999 is
calling and it wants its joke back.
THE
WEATHERMAN
JOEL FOREMAN
It started off fun but now it’s just for brag-
ging and selfies. Society needs to leave it
behind the same way it got rid of Bebo and
MySpace; the app is now beyond parody, with
a quick trip to the “Story” section causing
nothing but pure apathy or burning jealousy.
These guys though, are the absolute worst:
Break up with your
partner from home
immediately.
Get with someone in a
different year to you.
Have a one night stand
with that hottie in your
seminar.
Avoid eye contact with
that hottie in your
seminar for the rest of
the year.
Have the worst sex of
your life on the morning
bus back to halls.
YOUR
SEXUAL
BUCKET
LIST
Spot five rats on a single
walk through Highfield
Complain about the 15p
card charge in the SUSU
shop
Shamelessly queue for
free pizza, regardless of
weather
Take a gloomy ‘9am
lectures’ Snapchat
Complain about the gym
so people know you’re at
the gym
YOUR
CAMPUS
BUCKET
LIST
Sharing is caring, cut
this out and whack it on
the fridge.

HOW TO
PREVENT
FRESHERS’
FLU
POPPY WHITWORTH
Only one thing is guaranteed when you
come to University: Freshers’ flu.
Unless you are prepared to stay in your room
for the duration of freshers’ week then get-
ting ill is inevitable. Even so, here are some
top tips to keeping healthy.
A takeaway is always appealing after a night
out and with the wonders of Chick-o-land
and Manzils in Southampton, a takeaway is
just around the corner. Unfortunately eating
unhealthy food will lead to freshers’ flu so
try to eat some fruit or vegetables, even if
that just consists of some lettuce in your
burger.
EAT SOMETHING
OTHER THAN
TAKEAWAYS
No, not drugs, vitamins. Make sure to keep
healthy by using the numerous tubs of vita-
mins that your parents will have generously
provided you with. It might be embarrassing
to admit that you are actually taking your
vitamins but all your flatmates will be jeal-
ous when you are still partying and they are
slowly dying in their room.
POP A COUPLE
OF PILLS
Going out every night will make you feel abso-
lutely wrecked. This means it is important to
sleep off the disasters of the night before, so a
comfy bed is essential. Make sure you sleep in
as long as possible the following day even if you
miss most of your lectures, because it is defi-
nitely worth it if you are able to prevent getting
ill, and also YOLO.
REMEMBER
TO SLEEP
Getting with everything that moves in your
first week at university will contribute to you
getting freshers’ flu, getting a reputation
and probably a nasty rash. Either restrain
yourself when you arrive or choose your prey
carefully if you want to avoid an embarrass-
ing trip to the doctor.
DON’T BE A
SLUT/MANWHORE
With the encouragement of freshers’ reps it is
unlikely that you will be given any other option
than getting completely wasted every night
and waking up with a permanent marker mous-
tache. To overcome this make sure to drink lots
of water the following day to flush out the tox-
ins. The result might not be pretty but it should
stop you from catching freshers’ flu.
DRINK SOMETHING
OTHER THAN
ALCOHOL
There is no need to get obsessed by hygiene but
it wouldn’t hurt to make sure that you have a
shower every so often. Keeping clean will pre-
vent your chances of getting freshers’ flu and
no one wants to be known as the person who
stinks.
KEEP YOURSELF CLEAN
Going to the gym in freshers’ week is go-
ing to make you seem a bit too keen but it
is important to do some sort of exercise to
counteract the amount of weight you will
EXERCISE
Despite all of these tips you will probably still
get freshers’ flu. When this happens make sure
that you have registered with your GP. There is
nothing worse than getting ill and not being
able to see a doctor. Other than that have a
great time during your first weeks at University
and don’t complain too much when you get ill,
no one likes a moaner.
REGISTER WITH YOUR
GP
gain from all the takeaways and alcohol you’ll
consume. As most societies hold trials and
taster sessions during freshers’ week it is easy
way to get some exercise whilst also making
new friends. You might even be lucky enough
to make one of the University’s sports teams.
Described as one of the best house parties of the year,
six savvy third years spent 30 hours heating their own
homemade hot tub. They made the tub with an inflat-
able pool, heated by copper pipes.
The project was a resounding success, while those who
doubted it could be done were left red-faced. Many of
the invitees even doubted the boys could do it, and had
to go in fully clothed- leading to the wreckage of clothes
and phones. But they all still said it was worth it.
STUDENTS
BUILD
HOT TUB
IN THEIR
OWN
BACKYARD

MISTAKES
YOU’LL
DEFINITELY
MAKE AS A
FRESHERRACHEL WINTER
Freshers will be one of the best years
of your life, with new friends, exciting
opportunities and a chance to further
explore your passion.
Let’s face it, deciding what to take with
you is a tricky business. Bring just enough
clothes to cover your floor.
Most likely you’ll find you’ve massively
overdone some of the less useful aspects,
with enough fancy dress and scented
candles to last a decade, let alone the
UNDER AND
OVER-PACKING
You will definitely lose track of the
amount of times people ask you your
name, where you’re from and what you
study. It becomes tempting to record it,
ready to replay without actually losing
your voice – the bigger issue however, is
when you ask these questions to count-
less others and forget all of their answers.
I mean all of them, flatmates included.
Be prepared to re-ask (and re-answer!)
quite literally hundreds of times, as well
as face the embarrassing moment when
supposed strangers know everything
about you and you can’t even remember
ever seeing them before.
FORGETTING
EVERYTHING
PEOPLE TELL YOU
ABOUT THEMSELVES
Whether you are lost, hungover, what-
ever the excuse, accept it now; you will
most probably be late to at least one. The
more innocent among you will actually be
lost, but a vast majority will be hungover
BEING LATE
FOR LECTURES
First trip to the supermarket without your
mum pushing the trolley and the power
is in your hands. It’s pretty much guar-
anteed that you’ll do an initial splurge,
cramming the freezer full of pizza and
ice cream – three weeks in and you’ll be
craving the sight of anything green and
nutritious.
Pasta is your friend, embrace it.
REALISING YOU’RE
IN CHARGE AND
GETTING EXCITED...
Everyone looks for different things out of
their first year at university. Some want
the highest possible grade, some a new
crowd of party loving mates and some just
to learn more about themselves. Whatev-
er you think you want, make sure you bal-
ance it all out. No doubt there’ll be weeks
when you’re behind on every assignment
and still stay out till 3am clubbing, but
there may also be weeks you’ll be study-
ing all day with only a break for lunch.
Enjoy everything in moderation and you’ll
be just fine.
The important thing to remember is that
while you will probably mess up a few
times in first year, you’re not alone. Ev-
eryone will struggle with some aspect of
independent life, so don’t be afraid to ask
your flatmates and friends for help once
in a while. Make mistakes, enjoy yourself,
and aim for that sweet sweet 40%.
GETTING YOUR
PRIORITIES
MUDDLED
Suddenly, there isn’t someone on call
to ask how long to soak your pans for or
what goes in the washing machine and
what doesn’t. All your whites will end
up a funny shade of pink, most of your
clothes will need reshaping and more im-
portantly I bet nobody uses an iron for the
entire three or so years you study. Second
year comes around and most don’t even
seem to own one. Being responsible isn’t
all late nights and cake for breakfast.
REALISING YOU’RE
IN CHARGE AND
PANICKING.
one year. To counteract this however,
you’ll have forgotten an array of things
you could actually use.
Mum might have a drawer full of essen-
tials from paracetamol to safety pins and
be able to produce colanders and fancy
cooking utensils from mystery cupboards,
but that won’t come in handy when you
need to hastily fix your jeans and cook
pasta before a lecture.
or overtired (with an overwhelming per-
centage of these cases occurring during
freshers week… for obvious reasons!).
Don’t panic, just sneak into the back and
look apologetic, the lecturer won’t eat
you I promise.
However, it can also be pretty tiring trying
to balance study and a jam-packed social
life. Don’t panic, you’ll get through your
first year just fine, but the odds are you’ll
make a few of these little mistakes along
the way….

FRESHER-
FRIENDLY
RECIPESELLE LARSON
Your first year of uni will be filled with un-
familiar experiences and a new-found sense
of independence.
For some of you, the thought of cooking for
yourself might seem scary, but help is at hand.
Follow these simple recipes and you’ll have no
excuse for pitiful Pot Noodles or microwav-
able monstrosities.
Here’s the Soton Tab’s guide to meals which
deliver maximum nourishment but require
minimal time and effort:
This recipe is the ideal way to use up those
overly ripe bananas your mum left you when
you moved in, because as students you’re
gonna want to get the most out of free stuff.
This recipe makes 6-8 portions, and house-
mates always love the baker so be prepared
to share! Any leftover slices can be frozen, so
simply reheat in the microwave for 20 seconds
for an instant gooey delight.
1 ripe banana (peeled weight 100g/4oz)
1 tbsp milk
50g soft butter
75g plain flour
75g sugar
½ tsp bicarbonate of soda
½ tsp baking powder
1 egg
50g milk or dark chocolate chunks
1. Preheat the oven 160C/Gas 3. Grease and
line a 450g loaf tin with non-stick baking
parchment.
2. Use a fork to mash the peeled banana in a
mixing bowl. Add the remaining cake ingredi-
ents (except the chocolate chunks) and beat
until combined and smooth.
3. Stir in the chocolate chips and spoon the
mixture into the prepared loaf tin, smoothing
This recipe for avocado, bacon and poached
egg on toast will keep you full until lunchtime
and beyond. Packed full of protein and the su-
perfood benefits of avocado, it’s easy to pre-
pare and also tastes great.
For a vegetarian option, swap the bacon for
grilled mushrooms or tomato.
1. Put 2 slices of bacon in a grill on medium
heat.
2. Heat saucepan of water.
3. Mash half an avocado.
4. Crack an egg into boiling water.
5. Toast 1-2 slices of wholemeal bread.
6. Top toast with avocado.
7. Remove poached egg from water (after
about 3 minutes) and put onto toast.
8. Finish with grilled bacon
SUPER BRUNCH
A humble jacket with baked beans is the
perfect protein-packed snack requiring
minimal effort. If you’re in a rush, simply
microwave on full heat for 6 minutes then pop
in the oven to crispen up.
Those with time (humanities students – this
one’s aimed at you) can bake their potato for
an hour on a medium heat with seasoning for
a fluffy filling, but don’t forget to fork holes
in your potato first! Top with baked beans and
serve with salad to contribute towards your
5-a-day, or go for tuna for an Omega-3 boost.
JACKET POTATO
CHOCOLATE
BANANA BREAD
Along with 1-2 noodle nests per person, cook-
ing oil and Chinese 5 spice or a packet sauce,
you can use a wide range of ingredients (ba-
sically whatever you have and whatever you
like) including:
chicken/pork/beef strips,
peppers/chillies,
mushrooms,
onion/spring onion,
grated carrot,
sweetcorn
1. Boil a saucepan of water and add noodle
portion.
2. Heat oil in another pan.
If using a raw meat (e.g. chicken), cut into
chunks or strips and fry in oil.
3. Chop all veg ready.
4. When meat is cooked, add veg and a little
more oil to the pan.
5. At this stage add any spices (e.g. Chinese 5
Spice, chilli powder or soy sauce).
6. Drain cooked noodles, and add to pan of
meat/veg.
7. Fry off together (adding more spice to
taste).
8. Serve…, with chopsticks of course!
SIMPLE
STIR-FRY
When you find yourself pondering what to do
on a lazy Sunday afternoon before you have
any real work to get on with, deciding to make
a batch meal is a decision your mum would be
proud of. A classic spag bol is the perfect meal
for boxing up, freezing and saving for days you
really can’t be bothered to cook.
1 tbsp oil
1 medium onion
450/500 grams minced beef
2-3 tins of chopped tomatoes (depending how
tomato-y you like it)
Tomato puree
Dried mixed herbs or pesto
Pasta to serve (and optional grated cheese).
1. Dice the onion and brown off in a large pan
with oil.
2. Add minced beef (roughly chopped).
3. Once all beef is browned, add tinned
tomatoes.
4. Allow to simmer. Put pasta on to boil.
SPAGHETTI
BOLOGNESE
5. Add about a tablespoon of tomato puree to
give the sauce a richer taste.
6. If you want to add any more veg such as
chopped mushrooms or peas, do so here.
7. Add herbs to taste.
8. Allow to simmer until serving with drained
pasta (and cheese).
9. Once cooled, put the rest of sauce into
portion-sized plastic containers or sandwich
bags and freeze until needed. Easy-peasy!
over the top.
4. Bake for 40-45 minutes or until well risen
and golden-brown.
5. Leave to cool then remove from the tin and
slice.

BENJAMIN LOWRIE
Congratulations! You nailed your A levels
and now you’re reaping the rewards of that
cheeky bit of revision you slipped in be-
tween episodes of Orange is the New Black
all those months ago. Either that, or you were
aiming for Oxbridge and you cocked it up just
slightly, enough to land yourself at a still-
good, but-not-exactly-Christ-Church institu-
tion.
Either way, Southampton’s respectable
enough and has the benefit of zero boat races,
tolerable amount of private school graduates
and nobody cares about debating.
But what do you know about Southampton
besides where it ranks in the old Guardian
League Tables? Past the sordid optimism and
inviting scent of the glossy prospectus? Be-
yond the steel lustre and oaky magnificence
of the campuses you’ll be spending approxi-
mately five minutes passing through on your
way to a solid 2:1 in first year?
Worry not, innocent freshers, as we have com-
piled a definitive guide to life in England’s
greatest city.
It’s hard to find anyone with a bad word to say
about Highfield Campus, primarily because
it’s blandly anonymous to an almost impres-
sive degree. There’s a nice bit with flowers
where you’ll take a dissertation selfie which
will rake in big likes on Instagram, a big library
where everyone treats you like shit and there’s
a famously ugly building right on the edge.
Most of the time spent here will be blurred
by tiredness or a hangover, but it’s everything
you need in a main campus.
HIGHFIELD
CAMPUS
We’ve reviewed them all already, but basically:
they’re all the same, except Glen Eyre which
is disproportionately full of wankers, because
the rent’s a bit higher and daddy can afford it.
Be nice to the cleaner, don’t lock your cup-
boards, always courtesy flush. This is literally
the only advice you need for living in halls.
And the dust isn’t exactly dust, Bencraft fresh-
ers. You know what I’m talking about.
HALLS
Picture the captain of a rowboat, desperately
paddling water out from the hull of his sinking
ship with his bare hands as it slowly descends
SUSU
Does Cambridge have a Sprinkles? Does Har-
vard? Do they fuck.
There’s an identical gelato across the road
called Scoops which opened more recently-
there’s about fifty rumours floating around
about the nature of their relationship. Some
say its two families who want to take over the
country together with their gelato holes. Oth-
ers claim it’s a bit more West Side Story and
the two families fell out after Scoops tried to
break into Southampton, which is famously
Sprinkles’ territory.
The consensus is that Sprinkles isn’t what it
used to be, but remains better than Scoops.
Feel free to try both.
SPRINKLES
Southampton isn’t a nice place in the tradi-
tional way. It’s always a bit moist, stinks of
sewage and the locals are horrible. But for
everything it lacks in cleanliness, friendliness
and pleasantness, it more than makes up for
in character.
The nightclub Jesters, located in Bevois Val-
ley, epitomises ‘character’. The place is South-
ampton boiled down into a poignant haven,
a savannah, of pure student experience. It’s
Popworld without any makeup on. It’s your
dad after your mum kicked him out.
It’s known as the ‘palace of dreams’, but it’s
so much more than that. You literally descend
into it through a dark, steep staircase. It’s a
pit, basically. A pit where you’ll be spending
every Monday and the odd Friday of the next
three years with your pitty mates.
Jesters is a visceral experience. The stench
JESTERS
I call it The Ponytail Lounge and avoid it like its
regulars avoid showers, but I seem to be in the
minority. Despite the odour and mum’s-base-
ment vibe it’s always packed, making queue-
ing at the bar feel like a literal nightmare, as
leather trenchcoats slowly crush you from ei-
ther direction, just like in Star Wars. The Hob-
bit is also actually a quite nice pub with good
drink deals and a fun gimmick.
If you go on a Wednesday or Sunday you can
get a three shot cocktail for £2.50, and there’s
a Jamaican ‘food shed’ which I’ve heard is un-
rivalled in the local Pub Food game- just don’t
ask for chips.
THE HOBBIT
You’re in Popworld on a soggy Tuesday night.
How did you end up here? It’s someone’s 21st.
It’s always someone’s 21st at uni.
Surveying the dancefloor over your £5
single and coke, you oversee the shameful
midweek dregs of humanity; hen parties,
freshers deceived into thinking Popworld
is an acceptable night out, and aging men
in pinstripe shirts that scream “Steve from
accounts”; all orbiting around a gaggle of
loud, sagging women in cowboy hats, with a
sad pink balloon poking its head above the
miserable dogpile to exclaim “50 TODAY!”.
Your ears are hearing C’Est La Vie but your
heart is screaming Je Veux Mourir.
POPWORLD
Go find out for yourselves you lazy pricks.
EVERYTHING
ELSE
EVERYTHING
YOU NEED TO
KNOW ABOUT
SOUTHAMPTONhits you like a train, then becomes a part of
you. When you first enter Jesters, take a nice
long sniff. That’s what you’re going to smell
like when you go home. That sweet piss-vom-
it-malibu combo is the first thing your ‘back
home friends’ will notice about you. “You’ve
changed so much!”
Anyone who tries to tell you Jesters is the
“worst nightclub in Britain” is boring and defi-
nitely likes the music of Ed Sheeran and the
taste of mayonnaise.
You could go to Oceana and spend your entire
student loan on three vodka limes, shuffle
about to a song you don’t like, before spend-
ing twenty minutes trying to escape through
the labyrinthine arrangement of stairs, lad-
ders and trapdoors;
OR, you can throw your loose change at Jest-
ers in exchange for, at the very least, some-
thing memorable. They have 50p pints. You
can get a cocktail with four shots in it for
£2.50. You won’t even realise you’re drinking
several consecutive pints of fruit juice. It’s
that good. It won’t give you alcohol poisoning,
but it will give you diabetes.
Plus, if you’re lucky you can either get or give
a blowjob on the dancefloor.
towards the ocean floor, praying he can keep
it afloat. This is SUSU’s modus operandi.
Maybe that’s harsh. No student body in the
country thinks their union is great, and the
new sabbatical team are all extremely nice,
except one of them.
The bit of SUSU that you’ll actually care about
are societies. However, when your badmin-
ton team have to cancel training because the
Union won’t give them anymore cocks, you’ll
swiftly come to realise that the Union is just
a thing that exists in the background that you
will have no opinion on at all until it organises
your grad ball at Oceana and gets a few mem-
bers of S Club, always including but not lim-
ited to the racist one, to perform. Then you’ll
wish it never existed.

HOW TO GET
WITH YOUR
FLATMATES(WITHOUT GETTING IN TROUBLE.)
SOTON TAB SEX REPORTER
Honestly, we’ve all been there. Slim pickings
on a Jesters Monday, housemate wearing
those short shorts that show off those
delightfully firm buttocks. The old mantra
regarding shitting and eating stops ringing in
your ears, and then the primal side takes over.
We here at the Tab aren’t here to judge - in fact,
we’re here to help. You see, I’m in possession
of an almost hundred percent hit rate with
a housemate each year. There’s nothing I
like more than to stroll down the corridor
and pounce on my nearest and dearest
without having to leave the relative comfort
of my dressing gown - I regard any sexual
experience that requires leaving the comfort
of my bedroom/kitchen/lounge/staircase/
washing machine as a total failure.
It’s also much more satisfying when you’re
fully aware of what’ll enrage them, as hate
sex knocks the socks (and the furnishings) off
everything else. So, wanna get with that fitty
in your flat? Look no further than here.
The first step is to cultivate a love/hate
relationship. It’s much easier to bed people
when the dynamic bounces between varying
intensities. Play with their emotions and
they’ll probably be more inclined to play with
your fun zone. Cook them dinner, and then
play music loudly at 3 in the morning. Shit in
their ensuite, and then write their essay for
them. Every little bit of polarisation you can
muster up will help.
Next, you need to frequently, and we’re talking
AT LEAST twice a day here, joke about how
“it’d be great...but we can’t”, or whip out the
ever classic “I want to but I’m worried about
what the others will think” line. The forbidden
fruit is far more enticing. Dance near them in
clubs, walk home together. This will also help
get the rumour mill flying off its hinges and
no doubt soon you’ll be talk of the block. The
old “Ross and Rachel” cliche will never, ever
get old and you’ll be in your housemate’s head
wherever they go.
It kind of goes without saying that you need
to be incredibly good looking, charismatic and
possess chutzpah in boat loads. After all, it’s
worked for me. A penis/rack the size and scale
of the Hindenberg doesn’t hurt your chances
either. Failure on these fronts is nothing to be
ashamed about but you’ll need to work extra
hard on the others in order to be successful in
your quest. If you are ugly, consider going to
the gym and getting absurdly big.
Always be the shoulder to cry on. The friend-
zone isn’t the brutal wasteland that the
Internet decries it as, it’s an opportunity.
Any individual that tells you otherwise is a
monster. They know nothing and have just
miserably failed in all their own pursuits and
don’t want you to experience the happiness
they crave. Collecting and collating all the
data from their outbursts will only serve you
well. Just don’t get too attached otherwise
you’re potentially looking at a full-blown
“emotional relationship” situation.
Once you’ve achieved total lust for each
other’s genitals, you need to finish the job.
Sometimes it’s as simple as getting with
them on the dancefloor, subtlely guiding
them out of the club, plopping them in a taxi,
paying for it yourself, clumsily removing each
others clothing and enjoying two minutes of
passionless passion.
The other option is to wait until it’s just you
two alone in the flat, having a deep chat in
the kitchen over a cup of coffee, head back
to your respective rooms, and then after five
minutes re-emerging, knocking on their door
and slowly working your magic.
Hopefully you’ll now have sex on tap for
a while. This won’t be a one-hit-wonder;
you’ll release a steady stream of respectable
albums before the band splits due to creative
differences. Chances are however, that the
end will come and shit may literally hit the
fan.
If you can sense the quake coming, it’s best to
rally as many housemates under your banner
as possible and begin to purge the once love
and now disgust of your life from all house
activities. It’s brutal but it is quite possibly a
matter of life and death.
People who have never set foot in Southampton
will ask you about Jesters.
Coming here has totally changed your life and you
will always have a story about the beloved hole-
in-the-ground.
None will beat this one though.
Hopefully this girl was so wasted that she’s
forgotten that she actually did this. Otherwise
she’ll live the rest of her life knowing that her
knees actually touched the grimiest dancefloor in
Europe.
JUICY
LUCY?Perhaps the most infamous
photo in Southampton...
for all the worst reasons.

Describe yourself in three words
Distinctly average footballer
Best moment/biggest triumph with your
society?
Coming back from 2-0 down to beat
Portsmouth 3-2 in Varsity 2015
MostembarrassingmomentatSouthampton?
Dressing up as Anne from Little Britain at the
Christmas social
What makes your team unique?
Our unity as a team on a Wednesday night on
the cheese room dancefloor regardless of a
win, loss or draw.
Why should people sign up with you?
A high standard of football and an even higher
standard of banter.
What qualities would your ideal recruit
possess?
Silky skills, high levels of commitment and a
decent lid.
What’s a typical social like?
Dick of the days and man of the matches
receive their punishments/rewards followed
by antics not to be disclosed.
Most outrageous thing to happen at a social?
One of our freshers having a little too much
boozy and literally swimming through a
puddle of beer in Archers Bar in his shirt and
tie.
Grumpy, loyal and passionate.
society?
This year we became the national champions
winning the British Quidditch Cup, no one
expected us to beat Oxford with a large
number of the team being freshers so that was
an amazing achievement and a moment none
of us will ever forget.
I take pride in the fact that I know my football
and don’t get in to an argument unless I know
I’m going to win, however one night I was so
drunk stood in the queue for jesters that I
couldn’t tell the difference between Cardiff
and Swansea. Should’ve kept my mouth shut
on that one...
possess?
Enthusiasm and dedication, because no
matter what your abilities are we have a place
for everyone in this sport if you have the
motivation to learn.
One night in jesters we were trying to hook
our friend up with someone, so started
introducing him to anyone that walked past
saying “have you met Ajay?” A few weeks later
we went to our first tournament and started
introducing him to everyone, we’ve got to the
stage now where the whole of the quidditch
community has in fact met Ajay, the only
question left is have you?!
Approachable, outgoing & a mess.
society?
The end of the performance and you realise it
all hit perfectly, nothing feels better.
Oh god I have way too many! But one is
definitely falling off the podium in Oceana
and 3 people having to pick me up.
What makes your team unique?
The fact that we have over 100 girls in our
squad and that we appeal to both competitive
and casual members.
To learn or continue a skill whilst making
amazing friends in the process, we take people
of all abilities and we love a good Wednesday
social.
possess?
Theattitudetotryworkhardandtrysomething
new, and the love for wearing a bow.
Lots of shots, funnelling, revealing each
others dirty secrets and Oceana, Vixens love a
night in Oceana.
One of the girls got a bit too excited and wet
themselves on tour on a stage.
A rebel.
society?
3rd place in the B league at the British
Universities and Colleges Sports tournament.
Only lost in the quarter final to the overall
winners. Finished the last game a man down
after our goalie went for a swim, but still won
it.
Rushing in late to a lecture and making eye
contact with the professor, before realising it
wasn’t my lecture and having to sit there for
the next hour pretending to understand what
they were talking about.
possess?
No experience required, but keen to try
something different, happy to be on or in the
water and up for getting stuck in!
Drinking by the pitches at a tournament, or
a pub crawl after training that winds up in
Jesters. Christmas social tends to start as a
more formal affair, but doesn’t necessarily
end that way.
Almost more a club legend at this point, but
one time the B team got so hungover after
a night at a tournament they could barely
move in the morning. Still managed to win a
few games, or so the story goes. As a result
they were nicknamed the ‘Sloths’. While the
players who earned it eventually left, the
name has stuck around.
Different, friendly, competitive
society?
Winning the treble (local league, local cup
and nationals) last year was amazing. Also
loved going on tour to the Netherlands (the
home of Korf) over Easter and playing with
teams from around the world.
On one of our socials I had to approach a
couple of girls (while in fancy dress), pretend I
recognised them from TV and get a selfie with
them. I ended up accusing them of being on
TOWIE.
As a mixed gender sport, we throw the best
socials.
possess?
A background in basketball or netball might
help someone pick korfball up quicker, but
that said for a lot of us (myself included)
korfball was our first team sport.
We usually end up in Jesters after a house
crawl.We’vealsodonebeerpongtournaments,
dress up and casino nights.
I’m going to name and shame our Vice
President Kesh. After a night out on tour he
fell asleep on a public toilet for nearly two
hours, we had to send out a search party when
it was game time. We also dragged him in his
sleeping bag into a very confused Swedish
team’s team photo.
AMY TUCKER
QUIDDITCH
MATT COLE
FOOTBALL
SOUTHAMPTON’S
SPORT STARS
CHARLOTTE
DAWSON
CHEERLEADING
DOMINIC
HOLDEN
CANOE POLO
LEE GANNON
KORFBALL

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