Before I tell you about the wonders of a onesie, I have to tell you what one is. Now some of you are probably
doing a mad rush on your phone to look up onesie on Wikipedia and beat me to the punch, but listen: Wikipedia
isn't always right. It claims that a onesie is an infant bodysuit, and it also says that onesie is a trademarked term.
But the thing is, I suck at trademark law, and I don't understand how you can trademark the word that just
naturally comes out of your mouth to describe something. So, don't tell my lawyers, but I think that if enough of
you run home and edit that Wikipedia article, then perhaps my definition can prevail.
So, what should my definition say? Instead of showing you pictures, I thought I'd show you in the flesh, with the
least sexy strip show you've ever seen.
(This is the part where I strip from my blazer and pants to just my onesie).
As you can see, a onesie is a head-to-toe footed pajama (which is way too long a phrase to use repeatedly in an
Ignite talk). It covers me in furry warmth from my torso to my wrists to my feet, and it leaves no open holes for air
I am modeling the classic onesie, but there are several variants. You can get a hooded onesie, a popular choice
amongst gangsters for keeping warm while still looking bada$$. Or you can get a onesie with a dropseat butt flap
in it, which is useful for those of you with particularly cold bathrooms.
You can also get an animal themed onesie - a monkey, frog, mouse, tiger, giraffe, bunny, and even a smurf. I
myself plan to get this wolf onesie, which looks just like the pajamas from Where the Wild Things Are, and once I
get it, I will stand on tables and declare myself King, and the wild rumpus will begin!
Family onesie picture
Oh, yeah, and if your kids get jealous of how comfortable you look in your classic, hooded, or animal onesie, you
can buy them their own. You can even get one for your dog! And once you've done that, you might as well take
your family photo in your onesies and send that off as your xmas card to make all your family friends jealous.
WARNING! BEWARE OF IMPOSTERS.
Some of you are thinking (or tweeting) that a onesie is just another in the latest fad of blanket alternatives, like
the very well marketed snuggie and slankets. Their ads show people happily staying warm with their sleeved
blankets, but all of their photos very conveniently leave out an important aspect: the back.
Once you actually get your new toy and put it on, you'll realize that it doesn't have a back, and it's just loose
fabric. To quote one blog, you'll suffer from "hospital gown backdraft" as soon as you move from your carefully
positioned seat. Don't trust a blanket by its cover, people - your back deserves warmth too!
At this point, you've gotten the idea that a onesie is quite comfy, and the obvious benefit is that you can wear it to
bed and not worry about getting cold in the middle of the night. But the wonders of the onesie extend beyond the
bedroom. You can wear it while watching TV, eating, exercising - you can wear it all the time, cuz you *don't*
need to worry about it falling off.
There are lots of situations where a onesie is better than normal clothing! For example, I have this tendency to do
cartwheels when I'm drunk. If I do cartwheels in a skirt, I'm showing off way more than my agility, and if I do
cartwheels in jeans, then I usually have to buy a new pair of jeans the next day – and jeans are expensive! But if I
do it in a onesie, it just works!
I will admit there are a few downsides to the onesie. To start with, the warmth of the onesie can actually be a bad
thing during warm months of the year, like right now. I see an entepreneurship opportunity here though, for a
100% cotton, lightweight onesie that you can wear to bed in the summer or even to the beach over your budgie
This is my
*Unless, of course, you
are a onesie fetishist.
In which case, here’s
A onesie is also not the most sexy of nighttime outfits - it's probably not what your partner envisioned you coming
to bed in every night & it's unfortunately not the look that humans have evolved to equate with arousal. Maybe in
a few more years, though. So, your sex life may suffer -- but your spooning life will be infinitely better.
For me, the biggest downside is that a onesie is not yet a socially acceptable piece of clothing to wear out &
about. When I first got my onesie, I quickly found a bunch of excuses to work from home. I couldn't bear the
thought of having to change into something less comfortable for work, but I also knew that I'd get funny looks if I
wore my onesie.. Funnier than usual.
FOR THE ONESIE ARMY
That is where you guys come in. The best way to make something socially acceptable is to get lots of people to
do it, and you guys are a lot of people, and you guys are at Ignite so I bet you each influence a lot of people, so I
hope you join me in this quest. Everyone deserves to be warm and comfy – not just toddlers in their strollers.
The first step is to buy a onesie. Since onesies are still "niche", you have to buy them online. I don't usually buy
clothes online, but since onesies are designed to be baggy, it's easy to get the size right. To prove that I'm not
actually being paid by any one company to do this talk, I've linked here to a couple different stores.
After you've got your onesie, you should show the world how much you love it. I've setup a blog at
footedandfabulous.com where you can upload pics of yourself doing everyday things in your onesie like washing
your car or walking through US airport security. Right now it's pretty lonely, just me and a colleague that I
bribed.. So join!
The next step is for all of us to join together and show strength in numbers in public places. I suggest we start
with a pub crawl, moved on to a flash mob, organize a rally, and once we've got solid numbers, we can initiate an
international wear-your-onesie-to-work day.
MONDAY – TUESDAY – WEDNESDAY – THURSDAY - FRIDAY
It's not going to be easy, but 5 years from now, you will be so happy that your wardrobe can consist of just 7
different onesies for each day of the week.
Now, it's possible that I haven't convinced all of you that a onesie is an essential part of an adult wardrobe, and
it's possible some of you won't spend tonight debating which onesie pattern expresses your personality the best.
But that's okay - when it comes down to it, what I'm really trying to tell all of you is that it's okay to like what you
liked when you were a kid, whether it be stuffed animals, saturday morning cartoons, playgrounds, or onesies.
Not every part of you has to grow up.