28408001 mid-life-marriage-enrichment-parts-1-to-6

1. MID-LIFE MARRIAGE E

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3. T PART 1 MID-LIFE MARRIAGE E

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5. T PART 1 Written and edited by Glenn Pease I

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7. The following is a collection of ideas from many sources which was used in a class for middle aged couples to learn how to improve their marriages at this stage of life. Some of the information is taken from unknown authors. If any such author recognizes their information and lets me know, I will gladly give credit where credit is due, or delete information they do not wish to share. My e-mail is glenn_p86@yahoo.com This can be a valuable tool to be used in a group study where couples will share their journey with others. This helps couples realize that they are really not that different from other couples, and that aids in healing and copeing with the problems they face. It is also a lot of fun because although we are all the same, there are differences that lead to laughter as we tell our stories of both blunders and success. Sharing in a group can be hard for some people, and so a wise leader of the group will not press anyone to share, but keep it voluntary. After a shy person hears others share, it will make them bold enough to start sharing their own stories. In every field of knowledge and skill men are constantly being upgraded.

8. ew ideas, discoveries and technologies make the old obsolete. Marriage is a great field where knowledge and skill are needed to make it function well. People would not dream of starting a business, or a school with as little preparation as they have to begin marriage. They would not buy a suit or dress without examining it in the Page 1

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11. T PART 1 daylight, but they do not hesitate to take a mate by moonlight. They spend hours talking and preparing for the wedding, which only last a short time, and do little preparation for the marriage which is to last a life time. There is much truth to the statement, "People wouldn't get divorced for trivial reasons if they didn't get married for trivial reasons. A 90 year old wife on her anniversary said, "People don't work at being married these days. They don't realize that love is a chore as well as a charm....Back in 1878, when I got married, women were more sensible. We tied our wedding knots with steel then. If a girl found her husband puzzling, she worked until she solved him. She didn't shop around for another man, like they do now." Henry Ford was asked by a newspaper man as to the secret to his success in marriage. He said, "The formula is the same as the one used to make a successful car, stick to one model!" Morris Mandel in, How To Married And Happy writes, "Unfortunately, couples who face marriage problems only rarely seek qualified help. Instead, they rush with their complaints to friends, neighbors and relatives--people who are completely unequipped to handle the situation. They are either blinded by the blood of the relationship, or give advice based upon their own inadequacies, frustrations and disappointments.' Mandel says there is too little a grasp of what mature married love is. He writes, "It is based on two Page 2

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14. T PART 1 people knowing each other, accepting each others strengths and weaknesses, making compromises, giving and receiving, sharing joys and sorrows, and having the willingness to work toward the goal of good relationships in home and family. It implies accepting each as we really are...." A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. LESSO

15. 1 Phyllis Diller has written a book on how to look and stay young. Her first chapter is on the joys of aging, and how to avoid them. She gives some basic advice on life such as, mud wrestling is messier than stamp collecting, and young is better than old. Albert Schweitzer was a great humanitarian, but could he get a date on

16. ew Year's Eve? She goes over great with senior citizens. They throw polident and Wendell Wilkie buttons at her, and slap their social security cards together in applause. She writes, "Your body is a temple, and you take care of it or your husband will worship somewhere else." She says, "If you are what you eat, I am leftovers." Her husbands bought her plastic flowers and she got artificial hay fever. She was so fat she had more chins than a Chinese phone book. I

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18. To get acquainted husbands will share how you met, and wives will share how you proposed. Read the poem and paragraph below, and then each couple share something risky you did in your dating Page 3

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21. T PART 1 life to express your love. Back in 1902

22. ixon Waterman wrote Life's jolly jag of joy When a man's in love. He's as happy and as coy As a turtle-dove. All the world is fair and nice And as sweet as Paradise; Everything's worth twice the price When a man's in love. Life's a big bouquet of bliss When a man's in love. Earth is yearning just to kiss With the stars above. Then her smile is all there is In the world, excepting his; Say! It's something great, gee whiz! When a man's in love. Life's a mellow mess of mirth When a man's in love. Heaven comes to dwell with earth, Walking hand and glove. Then all creatures, low and high, Putting other duties by, Just lay off to watch the guy When a man's in love. Romantic love makes you willing to take risks for the one you love. We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church. He took the biggest risk and died for her. I almost died for Lavonne as a teenager. I had a date with her and even though a terrible winter storm came up, I headed out of town to her place 20 miles away. It was the worst 20 miles of my life. I was in a skimpy school jacket. Cars were in the ditch everywhere and I stopped to help them get going again. I got to her house so late she was in bed and I Page 4

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25. T PART 1 parked on the driveway and decided to sleep in the car, and probably would have frozen had not her father come out and invited me in. Her parents no doubt thought our daughter is dating a guy where the elevator doesn't go to the top. It was a stupid thing to do, but I was in love. Each mate should remember how great was the love that once motivated them. Marriage is like a car and needs to be tuned up every once in awhile to operate at its highest efficiency. Marriage enrichment helps tune up your marriage and get it running on all cylinders again. In each session we hope to do three things. 1. Inspiration--what does God say. 2. Instruction--what do others say. 3. Interaction--what do you say. Col. 3:12-19. We see that all human relationships involve the negative and the positive. You have to take both, for there is only one kind of person. People can be divided into lost sinners or saved sinners but all are sinners, and thus there is inevitable need for forgiveness, for conflict is inevitable. By implication the toughest thing for a wife is to be submissive, and for the husband it is to be loving and not harsh. Play ten minutes of Charlie Shedd--ten ways to treat a woman in public and discuss. ( Some of these resources you may not be able to find, and so substitute some other issue for discussion.) Each partner tell something that their mate does in public that is an irritation. This can be embarrassing, but also liberating as strange and funny behavior come out into the open, and we expose our idiosyncrasies. This can help open up Page 5

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28. T PART 1 the group to be honest about hidden problems. Problems are not the problem. Everybody has problems. It is part of the game of life, and if you play you have problems. But how you deal with them is the key issue. There are bad ways, good ways and better ways to deal with life's problems, and the whole idea of marriage enrichment is to help couples find the better ways. I had a boss once who got angry and kicked the machine that wasn't working right. He broke his toe and for weeks he had to work in a cast and hobble around the plant. It was not an impressive way to deal with a problem. Share a way you have tried to deal with a problem that you now see was pure folly. WHAT IS MIDDLE AGE? 40-60 1. Ogden

29. ash--"Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else." 2. It is when you don't have to have fun to enjoy yourself. 3. It is that time of life when everything begins to wear out, fall out, or spread out. 4. It is that time of life where you need to not fight it, but face it gracefully and adapt. Bernie

30. ewgarten writes, "Imagine for a moment that all of human life is one huge circus under an enormous tent. Imagine all the behavioral scientists (psychologists, sociologists, etc.) are the observers of the show. If you can imagine this, you will notice something strange. Those observers are concentrated in two places. A large crowd of them is gathered at the entrance, observing childhood and adolescence. A somewhat smaller crowd is gathered at the exit observing aging, senility and dying. but both Page 6

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33. T PART 1 groups have been missing the main show...that is, what's going on in the three-ring circus that we call adulthood." It is harder and harder to impress those who know us well. Our wives and children know our act by heart. This is why the middle age people live in two different worlds. The charming and enthusiastic world of the outsider, and the all to often dull routine of the home life. The act is still fresh and new outside of the home, and so there is joy and fun in going on with the play, but at home the clapping has ceased and the curtain has come down. We cease to pretend not realizing that people tend to become what they pretend to be. It is really a benefit to us to go out and pretend to be happy, for this leads us to become happy. But at home we often become dull and boring because we cease to pretend. We need to be actors on the stage of life. The real is not limited to what is. The real has potential that we miss because we do not pretend and create more reality. The middle aged person needs to get a renewed interest in fantasy and the wonderful world of make believe. CO

34. TRAST OF Young couple Mid-life couple 1. Idealistic 1. Realistic 2. Tolerant of short comings 2. Less tolerant of faults 3. He encourages her independence 3. He begins to resent her independence 4. He tends to be discussion maker 4. He tends to abdicate leadership 5. They still court 5. They take each for Page 7

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37. T PART 1 granted 6. She accepts role of homemaker 6. She begins to resent being tied to home 7. She is submissive 7. She resents his authority 8. Attempt to please each other 8. Focus on pleasing self 9. More communication on plans 9. Tendency to act independently * Do you agree or disagree that these fit Christian mates as well? PROBLEMS OF MIDDLE AGE 1. A sense of finality. You will not get another chance to decide what to do in life. 2. Awareness of one's mortality. You might taste of death before you have tasted all of the life you hoped to taste. 3. Unfulfilled dreams and many questions. What have I done with my life? What are my greatest assets and how am I using them? 4. Worry about many things that can lead to health problems. 5. Fear that we are no longer needed. 6. Staleness and no romance or excitement. 7. Conflicts with your mate over directions to go and becoming more selfish. 8. Being in a rut that is boring. Terry Taylor wrote, “We have concluded that first-half strategies practiced in the second half of life are a sure formula for failure,” The first half of life revolved around children, and that was the basis for your oneness.

38. ow you need to find new ways to become one with just each other. BLESSI

39. GS OF MIDDLE AGE. 1. Often the time of greatest financial security. 2. Freedom to be creative, and freedom from many obligations of child rearing, etc. 3. Time to make the future happen. More time to enjoy each other. 4. Motivated to help the younger generation by your wisdom learned in life. 5. Freedom to do your own thing and not try to keep up with the Jones. MID-LIFE CRISIS Page 8

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42. T PART 1 All ages of life have their crises, but in mid-life they can be more severe. Failure at a young age is not as big a deal, for you just move on in a different direction, but now it is much harder to move on. A dead end job is more stressful for the choices are fewer. We become less flexible, and lust and extramarital affairs become a greater threat. Children are raised and divorce becomes more acceptable. Bad habits have become locked in and hard to change. Anger at life is more common. 31 middle-agers gave these responses as to what they suffered- 1. Anxiety 2. Frustration 3. Lack of direction and purpose 4. Isolation and a sense of being alone 5. Feelings of worthlessness 6. Feelings of being trapped 7. Declining sex drive but greater lust. 8. Fear over financial matters 9. Tiredness and worry about health 10. Feelings of getting a raw deal 11. Giving up and not having any goals 12. Depression and feeling empty 13. Boredom with what used to be exciting 14. Anger and bitterness It is primarily a struggle for the meaning of life. Those who are successful and have met all of their goals begin to say, so what. Those not successful are saying, how will I ever be successful? Men are not sure they want to be what they are. He may feel his job has wasted his life. Like Solomon in Eccles. he is ever saying, "vanity of vanities--all is vanity." This questioning of values is a crisis because it can lead to radical decisions. Page 9

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45. T PART 1 A man may run away and leave his family or get into an affair. He questions the validity of his decisions in the past, and exaggerates all of the negatives of his life. He becomes restless and no longer stable, and no longer secure. He wants to escape from obligations. He becomes very critical about the family, and the cost of things, and the way the house is run. He specializes in complaining and makes everyone feel down because he is so frustrated himself. He expects his children to be grown up and successfully independent, and not yet needing his help on everything. Research shows that about 80% of American men suffer moderate to severe symptoms of mid-life crisis. Some studies show it to be near 100%. Marriage is tested by this crisis. Mates who have not learned how to confront each other tend to want to escape by divorce. Their sex life is dull and boring if they have not labored to keep it alive. They often cease to care about being attractive and seductive to each other. The highest divorce rate is in the first 5 years. The second is the mid-life era. Women tend to hit the "last chance" urgency at about 35. 1. The average mother sends her last child off to school at 35. 2. The average working mother reenters the work world at 35. 3. The average run away wife is 35; she was married at 19 and had her first child at 11 months. They are usually well off financially, but they do not feel valued. 4. Kinsey's figures show that a wife is most likely to be unfaithful in her late 30's. Her thinking is: "This is my last chance to have a fling before I lose my looks." PREVE

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47. The goal of a couple is to be aware of the dangers of mid-life crisis and plan to offset them. The Page 10

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50. T PART 1 affair is prevented by developing a sex life that is one of growing excitement so that an affair is not alluring. There is a need to develop affection, caring, and sharing, and all of the things that lead to sex. Be determined to grow and not become stagnant. Don't make each other feel trapped. Be willing to make life style changes. The good news is, it is a tumultuous but only temporary time of turbulence. The transition period lasts about 3 years. MID-LIFE MARRIAGE E

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52. T PART 2 By Pastor Glenn Pease LESSO

53. 2 Studies show that couples that share their feelings have happier marriages than those who do not. That is why half of marriage enrichment material deals with communication. There is power in words. Words are a part of love. Judge Phillips F. Locke of Chicago granted a wife a divorce because her husband had not spoken to her for 16 months. It was considered cruelty, and the fact is it is cruel not to communicate. I knew a deacon who drove his wife near insane by not speaking to her for weeks at a time. The verbal is the key to reaching a woman for she is easier reached by the ear. The visual is the key to reaching a man for he is easier reached by the eye. A girl makes her first impression by what she looks like and a boy by what he says. The result is a world where women specialize in looks and men in language or sweet talk. Page 11

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56. T PART 1 Look at word power in the Bible-Eph. 4:15, 29-32 Prov. 12:25, 15:1,4 Let's try the match game where each of you respond to a question, and your mate tries to match your answer. Try to guess what your mate puts down for their answer. Women: 1. My favorite perfume is________ 2. On what day of the week was our first child born? 3. If we could go anywhere in the US I would want to go to____ Men: 1. My favorite ice cream is_____ 2. Besides the regular screwdriver there is the _______screwdriver. 3. My ideal breakfast is________ Jack Bolswick, Prof. of child and family development at the Univ. of Georgia, in his book Why I Can't Say I Love You, writes in the preface, "I grew up as one who had a hard time sharing his feelings with others. Saying I love you was, for me, harder than running five miles before breakfast." He calls this the inexpressive male syndrome. He feels men do have more trouble expressing feelings to others. He studied Greek marriages and found men seldom told their wives they loved them. One wife in her 30's said, "Greek men are men of action, not men of words!" But most women wished the men would tell them also. Intimacy is based on commitment and maintained by communication. Commitment involves rights and responsibilities. each mate has the right to expect their needs for love to be met and each has the responsibility to meet the love needs of the other. If one mate expresses love and does not get feedback, that lack of response causes the expressive one to express less, and this hurts the whole love communication process. It is wrong, therefore, to just Page 12

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59. T PART 1 say, that's the way men are. They just don't express their feelings. They don't because they have been trained not to, and they need to be retrained, and this will lead to marriage enrichment. Causes For Men To Be Unexpressive Of Feelings. 1. Low self-esteem. They do not feel their love is a big deal, and, therefore, not relevant to be expressed. They feel it is not of any great value to be loved by them, and they fear rejection if they do express it. 2. Embarrassment. They feel awkward with feelings. 3. Cultural Training. Boys are told not to cry and be a baby, and so they learn to suppress their feelings, and put on a strong front. It is feminine to express feelings. Sometimes mates just cannot communicate because of language barriers. Such is the case here recorded. A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces." The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "

60. o, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "

61. o, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "

62. o, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "

63. o sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "

64. o sir, we both get up about Page 13

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67. T PART 1 4:30." Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?" The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her." Holly Hudson adds these insights as to why men and women are so different in communicating: "Some of these breakdowns stem from basic gender differences. Most people recognize that men and women are inherently different, and think and function differently. Men are often task-oriented and short on conversation, dealing with problems alone; women are often relationship-oriented and eager to talk, especially for the purpose of dealing with problems. In many cases, this requires a couple to learn another language — the language of their significant other or spouse. Other communication issues develop from personality differences. It is said that "opposites attract," and truly they do. Many couples exhibit the classic combination of strong/silent type with a chatty/scattered extrovert or dynamic/driven leader with a gentle/unassuming follower. But the very characteristics that initially attract a man and woman to each other can often become the very elements that drive them apart down the road. Will they choose to make the most of their differences?" Cures For These Problems: 1. Wives must assure them that it is manly to be able to share feelings. They must admire their men when they do. If she too thinks it is a weakness, it will make it all the harder for him to ever change. She reinforces Page 14

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70. T PART 1 the false training. 2. Wives must seek to get their husbands to share on how they feel about many things. 3. She must show him by example, and open up and share her feelings. 4. She must reward him when he does share, and make it worth his while to learn to be expressive. Lets all share an endearing term we use to address our mate when we are being loving. I have come to use the word precious, and I think it is due to having grandkids. They are so precious that that became a word I use to address my mate. What terms do you use? We need to move on and get new and fresh words to convey our feelings, for the old may lose its power to give meaning to your feelings. Quiz 1. I would like my mate to sweet talk me more? 2. Does your mate tell you what is liked, or not liked most often? 3. Rate your mate 1-10 with 10 as the pinnacle, and 1 as the pits, and 5 as passing on their use of words to convey their love. Communication of love by means of words is important. I love you can be said in many ways. Arthur Guiterman in his poem called Husband and Wife writes, Whatever I said and whatever you said, I love you. The word and the moment forever have fled, I love you. The breezes may ruffle the stream in its flow, But tranquil and clear are the waters below, And under all tumult you feel and you know, I love you. Whatever you did and whatever I did, I love you. Whatever is open, whatever is hid, I love you. The strength of the oak makes the tempest a mock, The anchor holds firm in the hurricane's shock, Our love is the anchor, the oak and the rock, I love you. Whatever I thought and whatever you thought, I love you. Page 15

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73. T PART 1 The mood and the passion that made it are naught, I love you. For words, thoughts and deeds, though they rankle and smart, May never delude us or hold us apart, Who treasure this talisman deep in the heart. I love you. Carl Sandburg wrote about his wife, "I love you for what you are, but I love you yet more for what you are going to be. I love you not so much for your realities as for your ideals. I pray for your desires that they may be great, rather than for your satisfactions which may be so hazardously little. A satisfied flower is one whose petals are about to fall. The most beautiful rose is one hardly more than a bud wherein the pangs and ecstasies of desire are working for larger and finer growth.

74. ot always shall you be what you are now. You are going forward toward something great. I am on the way with you, and therefore I love you." In contrast, someone wrote about how familiarity breeds contempt. They were single and went walking, And her heart did ship a beat, As she stumbled on the sidewalk, And he murmured, "Careful, sweet."

75. ow the wedding bells have rung And they walk the self-same street- She stumbles on the sidewalk, And he yells, "Pick up your feet." Joseph Addison counseled well when he wrote, "Two persons, who have chosen each other of all the species, with the design to be each other's mutual comfort and entertainment, have, in that action, bound themselves to be good-humored, affable, discreet, forgiving, patient and joyful with respect to each other's frailties and imperfections, to the end of their lives." This is what should be, and not what often is. HOMEWORK: Page 16

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78. T PART 1 Poetry is the language of love. How many of you have ever written a love poem to your mate? Everyone should write at least one in their lifetime, and so make this the week you do. Write a 4 to 8 line poem, that can be serious or humorous about how you love your mate. You become more loving the more you can break through the inhibitions that hold you back from the expressions of love. CHA

79. GE It is only hard when you think it is a major overhaul of your personality. But it is easy when you think of it as a minor alteration. Most mates do not want a new person, but the one they married with some minor changes in behavior. These are called micro-behaviors. They are the smallest verbal or non-verbal units of any interaction. They are to people's relationships what temperature, shape, color, and texture are to physical objects. A can of pop that feels warm may not be appealing, but raise the temperature a little and it is very appealing. That is not really a great change at all, but it makes a big difference. Most of the changes people need to make to improve their relationship are really very slight. Even as slight a change as the tone of your voice can make a big difference. The cost is not enormous, but their is a need for persistent communication until there is an awareness of what the changes need to be. Often, we are not even aware of things we do that irritate our mate. All behavior is caused. It is caused by what is perceived rightly or wrongly. This is why two people need to talk about their behavior and be honest about why they do what they do to figure out how to Page 17

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82. T PART 1 change when it is not productive behavior. Micro-behaviors are those little things that convey warmth or coldness, interest or disinterest, attraction or repulsion. They either make your mate feel comfortable or uncomfortable. When people first meet they are likely to be more kind and thoughtful and sensitive, but after years of knowing each other these natural positive behaviors often fade. * Let's share. Do you think of the conflicts in your marriage as macro or micro-behavior? MID-LIFE MARRIAGE E

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85. 3 SHARE THE POEMS YOU WROTE THIS WEEK. I will start with the one I wrote for Lavonne. I think that I shall never see, A tree as lovely as my wife, For though the tree gives much to me, It cannot satisfy my life. It's fruit and shade are very pleasing. It's leaves are a wonder to behold, But a forest of trees when I am freezing, Without you dear would leave me cold. Man does not live by bread alone and neither do women. A wife needs more in her husband than a bread winner. She needs her ego fed as well as her body. She needs constant reassurance of her dignity Page 18

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88. T PART 1 as a woman. Except when they are asleep mates are communicating something to each other constantly by words and actions. It is impossible not to communicate. Therefore, we need to be conscious that we are communicating something at all times, and need to focus on the positive. Dr. Herbert Otto in his book More Joy In Your Marriage writes, "Lack of communication is perhaps the greatest single cause of failure in marriage. Invariably, what is left unsaid causes the most harm. What has been said can be dealt with, talked over, and worked out. What is never communicated fosters and builds up pressures, causing misunderstanding and frustration. "In marriage counseling, we repeatedly hear the despairing cry: Why didn't you tell me you felt that way years ago! The feelings not communicated at the time they occur build a thin transparent wall between a couple. The more that remains unsaid and unexpressed, the thicker and darker this wall grows, and the more difficult it becomes to penetrate." LET'S PLAY PERSPECTIVE Each of us give what we feel is the way it is in our marriage as to which one of us is more liberal or more conservative. We are not talking politics, but attitude toward life and change. I am the liberal and Lavonne is the conservative. I am more likely to want to go to a movie or to eat in a restaurant that has a bar connected. I tend to be the one to try anything new. On the other hand, her resistant to change may also prevent us from wasting time and resources on what are misadventures, and thus, there is a Page 19

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91. T PART 1 balance that is not a burden. I feel that women are more conservative then men. Is this your feeling as well? God seems to be willing to change to fit the changing circumstances. Jonah 3:9-10, Ex. 32:14, Psa. 106:45, Joel 2:13-14 God does not change in his nature but in his response, and this is what we have to do as mates to have a happier marriage. Change is a major factor in mid-life, and we must be flexible. It is often like the teen age period in that we tend to do radical things that we would not do at other times. Byron said, "Of all the barbarous middle ages, that which is most barbarous is the middle age of man." 1. It is the time of life when men are most likely to have an affair and run off. 48 year old Henry Smyth, a trusted accountant ran off with a 22 year old cocktail waitress. Men want to fulfill their fantasies and become careless. The civil war between duty and desire rages and many choose the way of escape. It is the age of great responsibility, and yet also of great rebellion, for there is the urge to chuck it all for something else. 2. Boredom in the bedroom. Lack of variety and excitement makes mid life the most dangerous period for taking risks. The answer is to be ever changing and not getting into ruts. Avoid being hardened into stubborn patterns. Women tend to be to conservative at a time when a man needs some creativity and enthusiasm. He needs a more aggressive wife at this time, and this includes her role in the bedroom. Each partner needs to know what the other needs. What kind of changes would enhance your partnership. Each needs to be honest and reasonable in sharing their desire for change. It is not saying you Page 20

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94. T PART 1 are not good enough for me, and the past has no value. It is saying I have changed and now I have different needs that call for change. Someone put together this roleplay that can give mates a new perspective. "Have you ever fantasized about being the opposite sex and how you could make a person like you happy if you were your mate? If I were my wife I would cook my favorite foods more often and I would be more sexually playful. Food and sex are the two areas of pleasure that are basic to a man. He thinks if he were a woman he could easily do a superior job of the role. Likewise a wife could easily be more affectionate and intimate and thoughtful if she were a husband. we know what we want and need and so it seems so easy. Why isn't it so easy being who we are? Because we only feel our own needs and not those of our mates. The game of role reversal can help us identify with our mate. Each of you play the game briefly by saying if I were you and you were me here is what I would do for me. Husband being the wife. 1. 2. Wife being the husband. 1. 2. David Maitland wrote, "Most relationships are improvable less by abrupt, dramatic changes, which are impossible to sustain, then by modest, repeated changes which have the potential for enduring. A slight Page 21

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97. T PART 1 change in the compass-heading will, on a long journey, result in arrival at a quite different destination. Radical change in that heading unsettles all aboard." "I should say that the relation between any two decently married people changes profoundly every few years, often without their knowing anything about it; though every change causes pain, even if it brings a certain joy. The long course of marriage is a long event of perpetual change, in which a man and a woman mutually build up their souls and make them-- selves whole. It is like rivers flowing on, through new country, always unknown." D.H. Lawrence. HOMEWORK 1. Discuss what changes you would most like to see in your marriage. What would you most like to add and subtract? 2. Do something together you have never done before. For example play the taste game. Go to the store and buy something for each other you have never tasted before. Play the laughing game and try to make each other laugh without tickling. Think of something funny or act out that which is funny. MID-LIFE MARRIAGE E

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103. T PART 1 Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest. It takes an investment of time and creative effort to make marriage a growing experience. You have got to stop showing your worst side to your better half. The homework was fun and gave us a choice. If we like the new we could choose it, or if we prefer we could go back to the old way of doing things.

104. ot all change is good, but you have to try new things to discover if there is a better more satisfying way of doing things. You may just discover you already have found the best. We learn by going to different places to eat that the old places are the best after all. You do not have to be coin collectors to be looking for change. *Lets discuss selfishness. Evaluate your relationship to your mate and describe who of the two of you is the most likely to be selfish, and demand their own way. In all honesty I have to admit I am the most selfish. I enjoy having my own way and I enjoy Lavonne enjoying giving me my own way. For years she devoted herself to typing and indexing for me, and her time was dedicated to my goals. Middle age has brought change. She has gotten more independent, and decided she had some things she would rather do for herself. I do not resent it even though things pile up I want done, but because of her independence she has gotten almost as selfish as me. This is a change we have adjusted to without a crisis. I am grateful for her years as my slave, and now I accept her as a partner with her own agenda. I actually love her more for her Page 23

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107. T PART 1 independant spirit. A woman and her husband interupted their vacation to go to a dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want novocain because I am in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "show him your tooth dear." HOMEWORK Phil 2:2-4 Play slave for a day, or Pleasant peasant. Each of you select a day that is your day, and your mate is to cater to your interests only, and deny themselves for you. You select the form of the activity and entertainment, or the project to be worked on. A minimum of two hours must be spent in this way. C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity wrote, "The idea that being in love is the only reason for remaining married really leaves no room for marriage as a contract or promise at all...If love is the whole thing, then the promise can add nothing, and if it adds nothing, then it should not be made...and, of course, the promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits one to things true even I cease to be in love. A promise must be about things that I can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way. He might as well promise never to have a headache or always to feel hungry." Page 24

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110. T PART 1 You cannot promise to feel loving, but you can promise to act loving, and action becomes the basis for feeling. Many a time I have had no feeling about going to the mission to preach, but I go and do it and out of that action of duty I feel uplifted and glad I went because of the response. Actions lead to feelings. "It is easier to act your way into feeling than it is to feel your way into action," someone once said, and many have repeated. Choose to act loving and the chances are much greater that you will feel loving. Act As If Therapy. It is a proven fact that if you act as if you enjoyed something, even when you don't, you can actually come to enjoy it. So pretend to like something your mate wants to do, and this pretense can lead to the reality of liking it. You can shout at your mate stop being selfish, but this is like saying stop being tall, or white, or American. You can't achieve change all in one jump. It takes time and pretence to do it. Make small changes and move toward the goal by steps, and reward each small change. Couples in conflict make bold demands for immediate and rapid change, and it does not work. Change is not to be an event, but a process. Ask- 1. Where would you like to be? 2. What steps are needed to get there? 3. Where do we start? BIBLE TEXTS A

111. D MARRIAGE TO STUDY. 1. Acts 20:35 This was Paul and

112. elli Tournier's wedding text. Paul feels the unselfish giving of one's time and support and love is one of the keys to a good marriage. Everything is shared. The interests and Page 25

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115. T PART 1 disappointments, the victories and defeats, the worries etc. Self-centered demands hurt marriage, but giving makes it grow.

116. othing is hidden but mates share everything with each other. 2. Luke 6:38 Margaret Hess, "A marriage equals only the sum of what two people put into it. If each plans on taking all he can get, giving as little as he can get by with, the emotional bank account will soon go into the red. The marriage will sooner or later go out of business. Each must work at adding to the emotional bank account." Giving is the difference between failure and success. We can give strokes that make our mate feel appreciated. We can give compliments, and small courtesies, and words of encouragement. Give your mate the impression that they are loved and wanted. Charlie Shedd gives a compliment a day to his wife and recommends it to all. 3.Matt. 20:25-28 The motive is often to abuse power and get all you can out of your mate, but the goal of Jesus is to be a servant, and He wants you to give all you can to your mate. Are you a servant to your mate? Power is to be shared and not hoarded and abused. The greater the power the greater the opportunity to serve. I know if Lavonne had not resisted my power and selfishness I would be less loving, and I would have missed out on much of the joy of marriage. She has helped me to avoid being totally self-centered. Bargaining and compromise are keys to marriage. God will do this with his power as he did with Abraham Page 26

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119. T PART 1 in Gen. 13:5-12. God honors the man who shares his power and makes compromise for his benefit. The husband has a right to share his power with his wife. Power gives rights and love shares rights. A man had the right to demand payment, but he also had the choice to show love-Matt. 18:23-35. We are to share power in marriage and have a mutual submission as in Eph. 5:21. Both then feel like partners and there is no need for resentment to develop. In "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman he give us this list: 1. Words of Affirmation 2. Quality Time 3. Receiving Gifts 4. Acts of Service 5. Physical Touch It could be a helpful discussion for each couple to share which of these is their primary language. Sometimes mates are expressing love and their partner does not even know it because they do not understand the language of their mate, and how they express their love. One woman expressed herself like this: "I am pretty sure that I have figured out Calvin's language and mine. For Calvin it is Acts of Service. Calvin takes it as an act of love on my part when I do something for him. For example: if I took his car and filled the tank with gas so he wouldn't have to on his way to work. Knowing this now I am determined to "speak" my love to Calvin that way more often. I seem to have two languages. Mine are, foremost Quality Time, and important but secondary are Words of Affirmation. To me, if Calvin takes a day off from work and chooses to spend Page 27

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122. T PART 1 the time with me, that is love. Also when he verbally says he loves me or thinks I am special, I feel loved." MID-LIFE MARRIAGE E

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125. 5 CO

126. FLICT I

127. MARRIAGE Before marriage he talks and she listens. During the honeymoon she talks and he listens. In marriage both talk and the neighbors listen. Marriage counselors listen to mates fight for 70 dollars an hour, but neighbors do it for nothing. I have listened to a number of mates fight furiously, and the thing I notice is they have lost their sense of humor about life that enables them to laugh instead of getting mad. If they watched the same thing that is happening to them on TV, they would laugh, but they cannot see how ridiculous it is in their own lives. Divorce is the hash that is made from domestic scraps. It takes a lot of stable thinking and good horse sense to stay married when conflict becomes dominant. One wife said, "If you really loved me why didn't you marry someone else?" Anger is like fire out of control, and it can do a lot of damage quickly. Women tend to have more resentments in marriage than men do, and it is because they do not, out of fear often, deal with the things that lead to resentment until they are filled with hostility. Marriage tends to give women more reasons to produce resentment. 1. The power structure. Men are more free to make decisions that can be foolish and harmful to the Page 28

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130. T PART 1 marriage. They have more control, and their job usually takes priority, and so the competition for their time is greater. A wife said, "We have been married 5 years and haven't agreed on anything." He said, "It has been 6 years." 2. She demands greater attention. Just as plants differ a lot in what they need, so mates differ. Some plants need a lot of attention, and water and sun. Others can be neglected and still thrive. Someone said when a woman marries she gives up the attention of several men for the inattention of one. The problem with wedlock is that we forget the combination, and stop doing what each other need. Erma Bombeck said a survey of husbands showed that 33% said women spent five hours a day putting lint on their husbands socks. 27% said they spent 4 hours a day pouring grease down the drain and watching it harden to give their husbands something to do when they got home. A whopping 58% said women divided their time hiding from the children, watching soap operas, drinking coffee, shrinking shirt collars, discarding one sock from every pair in the drawer, lugging power tools out to the sandbox for the kids to play with. Conflict in the Bible is common. Prov. 15:1-2, 19:13, 21:9,19, 27:15-16 Solomon adds home conflict to the many follies that rob us of happiness and thus, are not wise. Conflict management is learning how to control the anger and resentment that is inevitable in relationships so that they lead to growth rather than loss. A good fight can clear the air, and open up a relationship so it can travel down a road previously Page 29

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133. T PART 1 blocked. * Lets share about how we deal with anger and resentment. Conflict is normal, but people have different styles of dealing with it. 1. Withdraw-avoid confrontation for I cannot win. 2. Win at all costs, for self-esteem depends on it, for I can never admit I was wrong. 3. Yield-I do not like conflict and so even if I feel I am right I give in. 4. Compromise-Each is willing to give and take so that both are sometimes winners. 5. Resolve-we work it out and come up with an answer so that both win. Resolving conflict is the key to growth for it involves confession, forgiveness and reconciliation. Conflict is often the symptom of unmet needs. The wife yells at her husband for leaving his socks on the bathroom floor, but her real anger is due to his not taking the storm windows off three weeks after she asked him to. You have to probe to find the real issue and resolve it. We often see our mate as a problem maker because we do not see what it is in us that causes her or him to be a problem. The battle for balance is what life and marriage is all about. E.S. Jones writes, "Self-surrender is written into the very basis of life. The male cell has 46 chromosomes in it. The female the same. To unite in forming a new life, each has to reduce the 46 to 23, so that the new life will have 46. self-surrender is at the basis of life in its inception and in its continuance. There are three basic urges in human nature-self, sex, and the herd. The self is obviously self-regarding; the herd urge is obviously others-regarding; and the sex urge is partly self-regarding and partly others-regarding. So there are just 2 basic driving urges in human nature-the self-regarding and the others-regarding. If you build your life on the self-urge-the herd urge is unfulfilled. Page 30

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136. T PART 1 Both of these urges must be fulfilled simultaneously. To love your neighbor (the herd urge) as you love yourself (The self urge) is good sense; to do anything else is foolish." *Describe the most common conflict you have as mates. Lavonne and I had most of our conflict in early marriage over where we would go for holidays-to her folks or to mine. The budget was the other area of conflict. We had so little, and it seemed like the grocery bill was always too much. Lavonne would get frustrated with the time I put into my work and she would get depressed, and we finally have a conflict. I promise to do better, and then after awhile we start all over again. * Share any interesting story of how you dealt with a problem. Here is a good example: WES SEELIGER wrote, "Our wedding was on October 14, 1966. But our marriage began three weeks later. We were dressed up and on our way to the swankiest restaurant in town. We had saved all week for the big splurge. One problem--my bride was wearing the most horrible perfume ever manufactured. Smelled like a mixture of mustard gas, black pepper, and vaporized maple syrup. I still get queasy thinking about it. We had stopped at a railroad crossing. It was cold outside. The windows were up and the heater was on. My nose and lungs silently begged for mercy. But I didn't want to upset my bride with a comment about her perfume. I had decided the one perfect marriage in history would be ours.

137. o conflicts...no harsh words...no hurt feelings...no tears...nothing negative. My wife had made a similar resolution. For three weeks we had walked on egg shells, protecting each other from the slightest unpleasantness. Dare I break the spell? Dare I be honest and open? She had soaked in that blasted stuff every day of our marriage. I knew I couldn't hold out forever. So I said in my sweetest, softest voice, "Honey, that perfume smells like bug spray." Page 31

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140. T PART 1 Silence! Like the silence that must have followed President Roosevelt's announcement that the Japanese had bombed Pearl Harbor. I stared straight ahead trying to concentrate on the steady metallic rhythm of the train cars rolling by. I glanced at my bride out of the corner of my eye. Her lower lip was quivering slightly. The way it still does when she's fighting a good cry. We drove on. After an eternity she mumbled softly, "I won't use that brand again." Any married person can finish the story. We choked down our gourmet dinner. Pouted. Went through the "It's all my fault, Honey" routine. Shed tears. And were finally reconciled, promising never to be cross with each other again. The whole episode is now part of our family lore. Our repertory of delightful "young and dumb" stories. But I still think our marriage began with my observation about the perfume. At that point we began to grow. We discovered marriage is a union stronger than emotions. We began to drop the foolishness about unruffled bliss. We took our first steps toward learning that one allimportant lesson, a lesson no one ever outgrows--love is a deathresurrection relationship. As for the perfume...I sprayed the rest on roaches. It worked! REASO

141. S FOR CO

142. FLICT 1. Assumptions of what a mate should do and be like. 2. Misunderstandings. 3. Unrealistic expectations. 4. Limitations of time. RULES FOR A GOOD FIGHT based on Eph. 4:25-32 1. Keep it honest v.25 2. Keep it under control v.26 3. Keep it timed right v. 26-7 4. Keep it positive v.28 5. Keep it tactful v.29 6. Keep it private v. 31 7. Keep it cleared up v. 32 Conflict in marriage is no sign of a lack of love or poor adjustment. Troubles are part of married life just Page 32

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145. T PART 1 as sickness is a part of any good life. Troubles are built into life in general. Job 5:7 and I Cor. 7:28 for marriage in particular. Paul says those who marry will have worldly troubles. The point is, there is a cost involved for the good things of marriage. DEPRESSIO

146. In varying degrees of severity almost all couples have their share of depression. This arises because of disillusionment.

147. o two people live happily ever after, and even realistic people can feel depressed about the fact that life is not ideal. Couples cannot always feel the thrill of oneness. Circumstance beyond their control will spoil some of their dreams and plans. Pressures from family and others can be expected to lead to frustration. Depression comes often because of unrealistic expectations we put on ourselves and our mate.

148. o mate can meet all of our needs. One woman said, "When I got married I was looking for an ideal. Then it became and ordeal, and now I want a new deal." Quite often one mate will be happy with the marriage and the other not, and the reason is one is getting their needs met and the other is not. It is a mystery to the happy one why the other is not happy. Oneness does not mean if one is happy the other will be. Their is a lack of balance in such a marriage, and the only solution is for the happy one to listen to and responds to the unhappy one, and give them what is needed to meet their need. BEI

149. G HO

150. EST WITH FEELI

151. GS Feelings are-they just are. They are not good or bad-they just are. If I feel hurt that you did not Page 33

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154. T PART 1 send me a card for my birthday, that is how I really feel.

155. ow, it may be foolish to feel so, but telling me it is foolish will not change the fact. Labeling emotions does not make them go away. We tend to treat feeling like things. If I pick up a dirty rotten banana peeling, you can say in disgust, "Drop that thing," and I can do it, and its out of my life. We can say to a child who grabs something dangerous, "That will hurt," and the hand is withdrawn. With feelings the same action does not work. Feelings are not things. If its dirty or dangerous you can't just label it and drop it, and be done with it. It has to be dealt with. Feelings have to be felt, faced up to, and figured out, and then by understanding be allowed to fade and be forgotten. In other words, there is a process, and to stop the process, and force the feelings to be suppressed, and not dealt with, will lead that feeling to not fade, but feed on your inner man, and produce results you do not always have control of. We need to keep feelings out in the open, and under the control of our conscious mind. To allow them to get into your subconscious, and work away like termites unseen and unsuspected is to lose control of who you are. Self esteem is the ability to deal with feelings without being ashamed because the feelings are not always positive. The Christian who knows he has anger, resentment, lust, and envy will be in far better control of these things than the Christian who suppresses them, and refuses to believe he is contaminated by such Page 34

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158. T PART 1 garbage. The healthiest Christian is the Christian who knows just how much evil still lurks in his heart. It is possible to come to hate someone you once loved because you do not deal with your emotions. Dr. Henry Brandt writes, "I have talked with thousands of couples, young and old alike, whose hopes for a happy marriage have been dashed. We disguss the same questions: How is it possible--to feel so harshly toward someone you once felt such tenderness for? How is it possible--to be repulsed at the idea of being touched by a person whom you once so desired? How is it possible--to have such sharp, unsolved conflicts when you once got along so well?" The answer is, it is possible because negative feeling were not dealt with, but were suppressed until they became bitter resentments. An hones fight where feelings are expressed and made clear to our mate is far more healthy than a peaceful fight free marriage where the feelings are bottled up until they are like a volcano ready to explode. Bad feelings need to be expressed while they are match size fires, and not when they are forest fires. WHAT HURTS MARRIAGE? When I see the masses of books on how to improve and save your marriage that are in stores and on library shelves, I am amazed that any couple in America can have any problem. We should have a nation of happy mates who know everything there is to know about being wonderful and ideal wives and husbands. It is all there for everyone to read, and by the best men and women in the world who have studied and researched to make the best advice possible to enrich every marriage. Why is it not working? It is because it is not as Page 35

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161. T PART 1 complex as it is made to appear. When people see an endless supply of marriage books, it seems like an overwhelming task to learn it all, and so they give up because they feel it is too complex for them to grasp. The fact is, marriage enrichment does not revolve around complexities, but around simplicities. Mates need to stop looking for tremendous insights, and colossal principles to revive and enrich their marriage. All they need to do is to focus on the trivial things they do to annoy each other. For example:

162. ot being willing to say that you love. Don't love me only in your heart, love me out loud. I know that you love me, that fact I am not denying. But it needs showing too To stop the endless crying You are happy to take from me If there is something you need. To get back what I give to you I shouldn't have to plead. You should never be too busy to say a loving word or two. Or share in dreams and memories and tell me what I mean to you. Don't love me only in your heart, love me out loud. by Janet Boyd aka Bee Spit Page 36

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165. T PART 1 For Adam and Eve it was a mere apple that hurt their relationship. The first sin is almost trivial and illustrates that many of life's problems are not caused by big things and crisis, but trivialities that we allow to turn into tremendous torments until they tear us apart. Listen to Dr. Henry Brandt in I Want My Marriage To Be Better page 32-38. Let's look at trivialities. 1. What do you do with the newspaper? Do you fold it or scatter it all over? 2. Do you change clothes when you come home or stay grubby all evening? 3. Do you set the air-conditioner high when others are cold? 4. How many blankets do you need? 5. What do you do with wet towels? 6. Where do you squeeze the toothpaste? 7. Do you mix the different foods together on your plate? 8. Do you serve mustard or catsup in bottles or little dishes? 9. Do you cut your meat all at once or a bite at a time? 10. Do you dress for breakfast or are you in your bathrobe? * Share some of the trivial things you do your mate does not like. After this share some of the trivial things your mate does that you delight in. When you realize all the little things that hinder your love, and all the little things that build your love, you will begin to see that you don't need a mountain of knowledge to have a happy marriage. What you need is a mole hill size grasp of the trivial things you can eliminate or reduce, and the trivial things you need to work at making perpetual habits in your relationship. When you understand this, you will see that, after all, it is the trivial that is the tremendous. When you make changes, they do not have to be radical, for that can be more than either of you can handle. Just make what seems trivial changes, and step by step you will be more of what you desire to be for Page 37

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168. T PART 1 your mate. Here is an example of what happens when you get extreme: A man who wanted to make his marriage better was counseled to think of ways he could make life happier for his wife and do them. Every day the man left for work, put in a hard day, came home dirty and sweaty, stumbled in through the back door, went to the refrigerator, got something to drink, and then went into the living room and watched TV until supper was ready. He decided before leaving work to shower and shave, put on a clean shirt. On the way home he stopped and bought a bouquet of roses. Instead of going to the back door, he went to the front door and rung the doorbell. His wife opened the door, took one look at him and started to cry. He said, "Honey what's the matter." She said, "First, Billy broke his leg and had to have it put in a cast. I no sooner returned home from the hospital when your mother called and told me she was coming to stay for three weeks. I tried to do the wash and the washing machine broke and there is water all over the basement, and to make matters worse, you come home drunk." A

169. GER Eph. 4:26, Prov. 15:1. Sally Conway said, "Anger often comes from frustrated expectations. We need to be less rigid of what we demand of others and ourselves, and we will avoid some of the occasions for anger. Anger also comes from an unforgiving spirit. I see that a lot of my anger is because I expect people to be perfect. When they are not, I hold it against them. Imagine being angry because another person is human." Page 38

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172. T PART 1 Wives of men in mid-life crisis often get angry for he just sits around, and is not motivated to fix things. He is depressed and she is mad that he is behaving like this. Is she to simply be submissive? Denice Gibson, a psychologist and marriage counselor writes, " A doormat wife does not show respect for her husband. Her Godly duty is to call forth Christlike actions and attitudes on his part. The wife who suffers silently disobeys God. She does not give her husband an opportunity to be Christ to her. She does not clearly alert him to her needs." In other words, anger can be a legitimate means of communication. David Augsburger, in Caring Enough To Confront writes, "Conflict is natural, normal, neutral, and sometimes even delightful. It can turn into painful or disastrous ends, but it doesn't need to. Conflict is neither good nor bad, right or wrong. Conflict simply is. How we view, approach, and work through our differences does, to a large extent, determine our whole life pattern." Assertion is good, but aggression is bad. Assertion is based on good self-esteem that says I matter, and my views are of value, and I have a right to be heard and so one asserts that right and gets heard. Aggression is the desire to blame and dominate and manipulate the other to get even, or just to release steam. It is an abusive use of the other, and communicates only that you are angry. Much conflict can be eliminated just by learning to laugh at the mistakes we all make in life. Laughter can dissolve so many of the Page 39

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175. T PART 1 trivialities of life. RESOLVI

176. G CO

177. FLICT 1. Take responsibility for your own actions and do not blame others. 2. Make it clear you understand what the conflict is all about. Listen to your mate to get the full picture of the problem. 3. Make it clear you are willing to forgive. 4. Do not assume your mate has created a problem intentionally. 5. Learn to postpone conflict to the best time, and not when hungry or angry. 6. Identify your contribution to the conflict even if you think your mate is the main problem. It is always a we have a problem and not you do. 7. Identify alternative solutions. Brainstorm to think of all possible ways. 8. Implement new behavior. A magnifying glass held over straw will eventually cause a fire to burst forth, and often one mate will not start a fight but will provide the atmosphere which causes the other mate to ignite and explode. That one can seem so innocent, but is equally guilty. A bad fight is one where their is hurt but not healing.

178. othing gets resolved and the air is not cleaned.

179. agging is defined as, "The art of reminding someone to do something when you know he hasn't forgotten." COMMU

180. ICATIO

181. I

182. PROVERBS 1.Power of words 11:,12:18, 15:4, 18:8, 21, 25:11, 26:22 2. Listen 15:31, 18:13,15, 19:20, 21:28 3. Think before you speak 12:18, 14:29, 15:28, 16:32, 21:23, 26:4, 29:20 4. Timing 15:23, 25:11 5. Don't talk too much 10:19, 11:12-13, 13:3, 17:27-8, 18:2, 20:19, 21:23 6. Avoid nagging 17:9, 21:9 7. Use calm and soft answers 15:1,4 16:1, 25:15 8. Avoid quarrels 17:14, 20:3, 26:21 Page 40

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185. T PART 1 MID-LIFE MARRIAGE E

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188. 6 Marriage is a living thing and all living things suffer to some degree, and so some suffering is inevitable in any marriage. Love is the source of much suffering. If you do not love a cat or dog it does not hurt you to see it dead along the road. If you do not know the people whom you read about who die in floods and plane crashes you do not suffer grief. Our suffering is only as great and as wide as our sphere of love. Marriage is the uniting of two people in the strongest of love relationships, and, therefore, it carries with it the greatest potential for suffering. A stranger can criticize you and it will not hurt, but a mates critical tongue can sting like blazes. Sticks and stones may break my bones but names can never hurt me is a great slogan for children to sling back at the neighborhood brats, but it won't hold water in marriage. Your mate can hurt you worse with words than with sticks and stones. Charles Tschep said, "Those who have never hurt each other have never loved each other." The way to avoid suffering is to avoid love, but the result is loss of life. Your pet rock won't hurt you, but whatever has life will hurt you, and the more so the more you love. Jeremias Gotthelf wrote, "When the bleak days come, when flaws appear in one of the other of you, do not think of your ill luck, of your unhappiness. Think of God rather, who has longed since known all these Page 41

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191. T PART 1 flaws and who have brought you together precisely because of them, so that you may help each other to correct your flaws. This is the purpose and the task of your coming together." The French author Alin wrote, "Up to now I have been trying to find a person who would please me. From now on, I will try to please the person I have found." THE DECLI

192. E A

193. D FALL OF THE ROMA

194. CE EMPIRE 1.

195. ot listening. Wife: "Dear, the plumber didn't come to fix the leak behind the water heater today." Husband: "Uh-uhm." Wife: "The Pipe burst today and flooded the basement." Husband: "Quiet, its third down and goal to go." Wife: "Some of the wiring got wet and almost electrocuted fluffy." Husband: "Oh no--Touchdown." Wife: "The vet says that he will be better in a week." Husband: "Can you get me something to drink." Wife: "The plumber finally came and said that he was happy our pipe broke because now she can afford to go on a vacation." Husband: "Arn't you listening? I said I need something to drink." Wife: "And Stanley, I'm leaving you. The plumber and I are flying to Acapulco in the morning." Husband: "Can't you stop all that yaking and get me a drink. The trouble around here is that nobody ever listens to me." Any close relationship will have some conflict. There may not be any serious fights, but their will be at least friendly fussing which can still lead to resentment. Sometimes a good quarrel can clear the air, and if a couple never fight they may be suppressing many aggravations. Wallace Denton writes, "As a marriage counselor, I am in full agreement with those who say that we would have fewer divorces in the U. S. if we had more good quarrels!" If people do not communicate their hostility they will burn inside, and this Page 42

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198. T PART 1 is damaging to the relationship. You can be angry with someone and love them dearly as we do with our children. Unexpressed anger can lead to all sorts of physical as well as psychological problems. A good fight gets issues out in the open, and both partners get a chance to air their perspective, and so their is a chance for some compromise to meet each others need. A fair fight limits the issues to what caused the anger, and does not go all through history dragging up old issues. It is hitting below the belt to bring up old issues that do not relate to the present frustration. To be fighting over how to discipline the kids, and then to throw up the issue of weight is dirty fighting, for it is not relevant to the issue at hand. Dirty fighting has as its aim to hurt the other. Good fighting has as its aim the goal of resolving a problem to the satisfaction of both. "If it wern't for marriage, husbands and wives would have to fight with strangers." David Mace said, "The fundamental cause of marital failure in our time is the inability to resolve the anger which is inevitably generated in an intimate relationship." To suppress it and not deal with it can lead to far greater sin than to get it out in the open where it can be discussed and resolved. Buried resentments block intimacy. Rollo May says that couples that scream at each other in therapy and get out all of their anger come to feel loving after it is over. They get the blockage out of the way so their love can flow again.

199. egative feelings need to be dealt with for the positive to flow. Page 43

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202. T PART 1 Many marriages are like that of Edward who brought home a guest and thought it was a good move for business. His wife scoffed at the plan and he felt hurt and angry. He did not say anything, but just did things to hurt his wife in return. This led to the breakdown of their marriage. All he had to do was to let his wife know of his anger, and get it out, and deal with it, and he could have stopped the need for revenge that led to all of the negatives. People ruin their marriages often because of unresolved anger that does not get resolved because they never talk about it. They just let it burn and cause them to act stupid. The most happily married wives are those who say that both they and their husbands tell each other when they are displeased, and they try to work out a compromise. If people deal openly with the negatives they keep them under control. Someone has put together this outline for conflict management. CO

203. FLICT MA

204. AGEME

205. T A. BASIC GROU

206. D RULES: 1. Complain with the spirit of good will. 2. Avoid attacking each other. Forget insults and criticism of relatives. 3. Focus on the here and now. Forget old issues of conflict. 4. Admit your feelings. Be honest about what is wrong. B. SPECIFIC TECH

207. IQUES: 1. Select an appropriate time. Bad timing makes conflict worse. 2. Be specific. 3. Deal with one issue at a time. 4. Ask for a reasonable change. 5. Listen carefully. 6. Try to except and understand differences. C. FI

208. DI

209. G A SOLUTIO

210. : 1. Think, explore, meditate. 2. Be willing to accept incomplete resolution. Don't be a all or nothing person. Page 44

212. RICHME

213. T PART 1 3. Consider compromise. 4. Avoid trying to win. In a good conflict both win. His wife called him a model husband, and he was proud until he looked up model and found that it meant, "A small imitation of the real thing." A wife in anger said, "I think you only married me because my daddy left me a lot of money." The husband said, "That's not true. I didn't care who left you the money." My dad use to say to mom when she was in a nagging mood, "If I was as good as you want me to be I wouldn't have anything to do with you." YOU ARE

214. OT THE TARGET. Often you just happen to be in the line of fire and the anger is taken out on you. Do not fight a war that is never declared. Recognize you are a target substitute. Identify the real target, and refuse to take it personally responding with your own fire. People often get angry at God when he is not the author of what makes them angry. It is jumping to false conclusions when you assume you are the target of his judgment.

215. egative emotions are contagious and can spread from one to another. Energy is neutral. It is what you do with it that makes it harmful or helpful. The energy generated by conflict can be let loose to do damage, or it can be controlled so as to build a relationship. Sublimation is taking energy that tends to push you into sub-loving behavior and transform it into loving behavior. Some wives do their best house cleaning when they are angry--that is sublimation. * Can you think of good things you do when you are angry? I have noticed that if I am not up to par it does Page 45

217. RICHME

218. T PART 1 me a world of good to meet someone else's need. This can be a part of what it means when Jesus said it is more blessed to give then to receive. The giver lifts two lives. HOMEWORK: John Dresher has some issues for couples to talk over. Share them this week. 1. Three things which attracted me to you were... 2. Our love is different than in courtship.

219. ow it is... 3. The time when I feel closest to you is... 4. The greatest hindrance to our happiness is I feel, is... 5. Sometimes I wish you would... 6. I wish we together could... 7. The happy time together when I remember most is... 8. In money matters we... 9. I would like to... May God bless you as you reflect on the issues we have dealt with over the last six weeks, and keep in mind that we tend to forget what we know, and so we need to be constantly refreshing our awareness of what we know in order to keep romance alive in our marriages. It is not an easy task, and we will be tempted to take the easy way out. A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with some horrible stress. If you don't do the following your husband will die." Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make a him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Page 46

221. RICHME

222. T PART 1 DO

223. 'T burden him with chores, as he probably will have had a hard day. DO

224. 'T discuss your problems with him. It will only make his stress worse. And MOST importantly, make love to your husband several times a week and satisfy HIS every whim. "If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife: "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied Page 47

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