Welcome back to the Vetinari Dualegacy! This chapter will focus on the Gen 2 spares and their
Uglacy spare Cypress is having a rather rough night.
"Rough night? Hardly. I'm a Knowledge Sim, remember?"
OK, so you won't be traumatized. But I can't imagine this will be fun for you.
Or maybe it will. Freakazoid.
"Ouch. That was slightly more unpleasant than I had anticipated."
Anticipated? You were planning this?
"Of course! Can't destroy the Legacies on my own, and aliens are usually good for some Eeevil."
Remarkable forethought and dedication to your goals.
"Let's just say I'm glad the baby's coming out of that plumbbob. But I will need some sort of nanny
for my alien spawn."
Ugh. Nannies are even more Eeevil than you.
"Oh, I wasn't thinking about an actual nanny."
"Marry me, Jane! Preferably within the next few hours, before the belly pops."
"Squeee! Of course I'll marry you!"
"What's your feeling on babies?"
"Family Sim! I love babies!"
*Best C. Montgomery Burns voice* "Eeeeexcellent."
"My plan is coming together!"
"Did you say something, Cy?"
"Oh, sorry, didn't mean for that to be out loud."
"What's your game, Cypress? I don't believe for a second that you've had a sudden change of
heart about marriage and children."
"What's not to believe? I'm getting married in a few minutes. Can't argue with the big white arch
and the bottle of champagne."
"Whatever you're playing at, it won't work."
"Oh, really? Jane's a reasonably nice Family Sim; she's trusting and dim. She'll do whatever I
suggest, without complaint. In just over two days, I'll have an alien baby, and a baby-obsessed
wife to take care of it. And if my little alien spawn takes after me, I'll have another minion to help
me take down the Dualegacy."
"I've got everything you have, plus some things you don't. Wife? Nearly check. Eeevil
childrinions? Almost check. All the Elixir of Life Aspiration points can buy? Oh, wait, that's not an
option for you, is it? I almost forgot that your lot in life is to die, while I can live forever. Do you
really think you can beat me? All I have to do is wait until you're dead, and then there's no one
who can stop me."
"You may be right about the dying thing. I'm not so much looking forward to that. But you shouldn't
be so cocky--my childrinions are just as Eeevil as me, and I still have a few aces up my sleeve."
"What good are the aces when I'm holding the rest of the cards?"
"Haven't you learned anything from Shakespeare and Star Wars? Your arrogance will be your
"I seriously doubt that. Now get out of my way, I need to get married."
"Jane, I promise to let you take care of my children. And, you know, stuff like that."
"How many kids should we have?"
"Oh Cypress, let's have lots and lots of kids!"
"Uh, sure. We'll get right on that. Just as soon as I have this alien spawn currently gestating
somewhere I don't want to think about."
"Can I have a baby now?"
"Can I do some Eeevil now?"
"Take in my Eeevil, little alien spawn! I require malevolent minions!"
I'm naming Cy's childrinions after characters from my favorite graphic novels. This is Cassidy,
after the Irish vampire from Preacher. He has a nose, putting him one-up on his (fully human)
Jane grows little Cass up! He still has a nose!
"Great job, Cassidy! You're so smart!"
Smart, but not Eeevil. He's an Aquarius (6/8/6/8/7), no drastic personality extremes in sight.
Jane teaches him how to walk, too. Thanks to the magic of winter, their relationship is almost 100.
Let's leave Jane and Cass to their bonding and see what the others are up to.
"Banyan, you're the awesomest. Marry me?"
"Shiny and awesome!"
"Squeeeee! I get to throw an awesome party!"
"And you get to get married to me!"
"Yeah, I guess that's awesome too."
She actually rolled the want to get married, but not engaged. I guess because you don't get to
have an engagement party.
So she calls up the usual suspects (Larch and Christy, Juniper and Stephan, Cypress, and
Sycamore) and throws a party. And just what do my wacky Vetinaris do at pretty much every
Cap'n Neat-freak over here decided to garden; an unusual departure for him. Usually he just
cleans the bathrooms and the kitchen. And takes out the trash. And clears plates.
The inevitable pillow fighting, made more interesting here by the fact that Stephan and Drake
have the same face. It's like watching Larch and Cy's childhood all over again, except that Drake
and Stephan are hitting each other with soft squishy things, and not pegging baseballs at each
Sycamore plays the piano, mostly because Bana and Drake do not have a chess board. She's
getting mad tips, though.
Pleasure Sim Juniper hunkers down in the hot tub. She can also be found playing chess with
Sycamore when applicable, because, hey, she's a SERIOUS Pleasure Sim.
This has been a recap of all of my Vetinaris' parties, except for the ones in college where the
guests disappear into the dormies' rooms, and then you have to wander in and do one interaction,
whereupon they go hide in a different dorm room. Those are the funnest parties ever *eyeroll*
"Drake, you're awesome, and I'm awesome, and together we're, like, extra-awesome! Awesome!"
"Sweetie, I don't think that word means what you think it means."
What Banyan hears: "Blah blah blah Banyan blah blah awesome blah blah blah blah blah blah I
love you blah blah blah blah awesome blah blah blah."
"Can I max out a skill now?"
Drake's a Knowledge Sagittarius, for whatever that's worth. At least he's not another framming
Cy, Christy, Larch, and Stephan made it to the wedding. Cami's still at the piano, and June's still in
the hot tub. Well, at least they're having fun.
Larch: "Yaaaay! Families are awesome! Dammit, Banyan, stop making me say 'awesome!'"
Stephan: " 'ave any of you seen my wife?"
Larch: "Hot tub, Minion Best Friend Cousin-in-law. Where else?"
Cy: "How 'bout we go back to my house now? I'm doing interesting things!"
Cypress goes Permaplat. The top of the journalism career kind of sucks too. Now he wants to
reach the top of education, which I'll do because it doesn't involve 5 days a week, 8 hours a day.
"Less time at work means more time for plotting!"
Oy. Cy, you make my brain hurt.
Cassidy grows up and gets a makeover.
I think he's adorable. I love aliens. Even the ones without noses. Anyway, Cass rules.
"You're just saying that because of my seven nice points."
Trust me, kid, in this family, that more or less makes you a freak of nature.
"As opposed to the alien thing? Would you go check in with Sycamore already? I can't go play the
piano with you standing there."
"Marry me, Sycamore?"
"I hope you don't mind if our children have seriously weird features."
"Hey, wait--why am I so excited? It's not like I'm getting Aspiration points for this."
"I am, honeybuns!"
Finally get a good turnout for the party. That's Christy talking to Sycamore, Cypress talking to
Malcolm, Larch mixing drinks, Stephan over by the fridge, and Juniper and Banyan off to the right.
And, yes, the walls are down, but WHATEVER, it was the only way to get them all in one picture,
and this is the first time I even COULD get them all in one picture, since they're not meandering
off in different directions like usual.
Ah yes. The traditional "mentioning of the popular older sister" portion of the wedding vows.
Seriously, WTF? Banyan is like some crazy infectious meme.
Oh, and the only people who haven't heart-farted Malcolm since the beginning of the party are
Cypress and Sycamore. Yes, the sociopath and THE BRIDE are Landgraab heart-fart free. I think
my Sims have some issues.
And YES, I called Banyan a 'meme.' I'm a NERD, people!
"Can I make some money now?"
"Can I get a job now?"
Hey, aren't Family Sims supposed to want to have babies?
"Uh, I never rolled a want to get engaged OR married! Why would I roll a want to have a baby?"
Family Sim coding?
Stephan didn't make it out, but everyone else did. Finally, we have a quorum for the wedding!
I don't know, maybe they think Daddy Warbucks over there is going to start handing out
Simoleans as party favors.
Malcolm seems to have gotten over his reluctance to be in the hot tub with Sycamore sans
And they finally got a lullaby, despite Sycamore's getting zero Aspiration points for the WooHoos,
and not rolling the want for a child. You have three days to roll that one, Cami!
In case you were wondering, Malcolm's good for four in a row. Because that's how many freaking
times it took me to Try For Baby before I actually got the lullaby. It may have even been five; I lost
count after a while.
Someone else is pregnant too...
"Cy, I'm pregnant! Isn't that fantastic? I can't wait for that belly-bump!"
"Pregnant? How did that happen?"
"The usual way, I expect."
"I'm so happy! A baby! Cassidy's great, but I'm so excited to have a baby of my own!"
"Well, it'll be only human, but perhaps it'll be more Eeevil than Cassidy. I tell you, that kid's a real
disappointment. Seven nice points? He's useless to me!"
"I don't understand. What do you mean? Cass's a great kid! He's sweet and friendly and smart--
Cy, he's hardly a disappointment! Any parent would be glad to have a kid like him!"
"I don't have the time for sweet, nice kids. I need some serious Eeevil to help me destroy the
Dualegacy. Kids are the perfect answer, so long as they can be persuaded to see things my way.
My niece and nephew are Eeevil; I was hoping my kid would be too, but Cass hardly qualifies.
Maybe that baby you're carrying will be nasty enough to help me bring down my brother's
"How can you ask a kid to help you hurt people? Even if they aren't very nice, there's no
guarantee that they'll be inclined to do what you want."
"They will if I make them believe that the Legacy needs to end. If I make them hate the Legacy as
much as I do."
"I won't let you do that to our child! I'll leave you first!"
"Go ahead and try. I'll find you, wherever you run, and take back that baby. And just how do you
think Cassidy will fare without you here?"
"That's horrible, Cypress! How could you even think about hurting your own son?"
"It's easy--he's of no use to me, so he's of no interest to me. I need Eeevil children, or children
who have supernatural power. He isn't and hasn't; ergo, he's expendable."
"You're horrible! I can't believe I married you!"
"Yes, well, you're rather stuck now, aren't you?"
"You may be Eeevil, but you don't have to be a jerk."
"That's a Cypress Vetinari exclusive, baby."
"Hello, little fetal minion. Get nice and Eeevil so you can help Daddy destroy his family."
"Don't touch me, Cypress. I'm not Eeevil like you, but that doesn't mean I have to be nice."
"Fair enough. Just remember whose little minion you're carrying. And what I'm capable of."
Hey! Gardener! I don't pay you so you can "moth" around Jane giving birth! Go find a hedge to
trim or something! Don't make me keep you here until Cy gets home from work so he can kick
Well, we all know what THIS means, don't we?
Oh yes. AGAIN. *insert lengthy string of swearwords of your choice here* Currently 3 for 9.
Anyway, Floor Twin is Delirium, the youngest of the Endless (from Neil Gaiman's Sandman), who
Delight (the Non-Floor Twin)! Both with Cy's blue eyes and Jane's brown hair.
"Twins? But what am I going to do with twins? Cypress will just use them BOTH for whatever he's
planning! I wish I could protect them from him, but I can't--he's too ruthless, and I'm too nice. I
could take the girls and run now, but that would mean I'd have to leave Cassidy, and I can't
abandon him, knowing what Cy's likely to do to him. And even if I did go, Cy would hunt me down
to get control of his children."
"Maybe I can save one of them. Cy's at work; he doesn't know that I had twins. If I send one of my
girls away, he'll never know, and she'll have a chance to live a normal life. But how do I pick which
of my daughters to save and which to keep here? And whom do I choose to raise my child? Man,
this is like 'Sophie's Choice,' only without the Nazis. What do I do?"
We'll leave Jane to mull this one over, mmmkay?
Jeez, Sycamore, it's about time.
"What? I did this all the time in college."
Everyone did that all the time in college. College was like one long Malcolm Landgraab heart-fart
punctuated by fighting.
"It's not my fault he's attractive."
Have you seen the nose? And the brows? Unless, of course, 'attractive' is a euphemism for 'rich.'
"Eh, it's possible."
They still have two bolts, though. Amusingly, he has three for Christy. As in, Larch's wife Christy.
She hasn't stopped calling since the wedding.
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to kiss the studmuffin husband with you narrating like that?"
Sorry. Shutting up.
Meet little Slash!
"No! I am not naming my son after a hair-band guitarist!"
Please? Don't you be hating on Slash. Anyway, GnR may have been, but Velvet Revolver's not a hair band.
"Still no. Little Eddie."
*sigh* Fine. Eddie. Does this mean if you have another kid, you won't be calling it Duff?
"Yes. It'll be Malcolm Landgraab V, thanks very much."
You know, you're no fun sometimes.
"Some of us don't share your sick sense of humor."
Yeah, but it's soooo much more entertaining over here in Sick Sad World.
Eddie grows up. And wow. He looks weirder than expected. Even Zee and Finn weren't this
strange-looking as toddlers.
You know, I could totally breed Malcolm into the Uglacy, as long as I don't move him in.
Come on, Cami, look at Eddie for a second. I could do a lot with that.
"You are not breeding another Vetinari with my husband!"
No naming your baby Slash, no utilizing your husband's questionable genetics for my own twisted
ends--you never let me have any fun. *sulks*
"Who's my fairly deformed little man? You are!"
"Yaay! I have no nose!"
You know, it's BAD when the alien offspring has more of a nose than his completely human family
members. Eddie and Zee, I'm looking at YOU.
And because I had to know (clicky clicky ------->)
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
The nose...the brows...the cheeks...the eyes... He looks kind of like a Disney villain.
Oh, and he's a Scorpio, 10/10/10/1/3. Might as well be one of my freaking Arieses, with that personality. Is it too
much to ask for a little variety? I take back what I said a couple chapters ago--I'll even deal with lazy, ANYTHING
other than neat, outgoing, active, shy, and piss-mean. Seriously, it's bad when the Scorpio nastiness is right around
the numerical average for meanness--my Legacy heirs and spares and spare-spawns are born with, on average, just
over 3 nice points.
But wait, you say! Aren't we forgetting something? SomeONE, I should say?
"There's a baby on the porch. And a note that just says 'Her name is Delight, please keep her
"Huh. Well, I guess we'd better buy a crib. I mean, at least this way, I don't have to be all pregnant
and barfy and stuff. Awesome!"
Drake grows Delight up! She's cute! And I didn't get another picture of it! Whoops!
Calling Delight 'Didi' just seems like such a 'Bana' thing to do.
I kind of *heart* Bana. She's like one of those people who's so perky you want to dislike them, but
you can't, because they're so much fun to hang out with, and when you do hang out, you end up
doing the weirdest things, like going to a roller derby, and you randomly meet cool people there,
and have a great time doing something you totally never thought you'd do, but it only happens
when you hang out with that one person. Perhaps I have said too much.
"Come on, Didi!"
"Walking is awesome!"
I should mention that Delight is a Virgo 10/1/8/10/1. Yup--big ole helping of Eeevil neat-freak. A
shy bathtub pirate Eeevil neat-freak.
In the interests of full disclosure, Cassidy's Aquariusness is totally due to the magic of Boolprop.
He started out (everyone say it with me now) Aries 10/10/10/3/1 *HEADDESK* Sooo, I changed it,
because he's spare-spawn and I didn't want ANOTHER freaking finger-gunning, naked-in-the-hot-
tub, constantly eating, Eeevil bookworm neat-freak. Anyway, his new personality suits the horrible
horrible plans I have in store for him. He's going to be the Sim I hate to torture, but do it anyway.
"I'm sad, Mommy."
"It's okay, Didi. I love you just as much as if I twirled you out of my own plumbbob. Maybe
someday you'll find out who really did. And that'll be awesome!"
Speaking of the Didi plumbbob-twirler...
Jane grows Delirium up! And she's a sloppy and shy Libra!
Hahahaha I make with the funny! Nope, she's another freaking Aries, 6/10/7/3/6.
I have no idea if Libras are sloppy or shy. I have yet to see one in the Dualegacy. On the other hand, I am intimately
acquainted with Aries, as 2/3 of the children born in-game are Aries, plus my founders. They are all outgoing and
serious, and the vast majority are also mean neat-freaks. Because I'm special that way.
I am sick of Aries. People complain about mean Scorpios, and my Scorpios (Finn and Eddie) are mean, but I'm here
to give a shout-out to all those people with Eeevil little Arieses out there! WOOT WOOT nasty little serious finger-
gunning neat-freaks! Holla!
And oh yes, Jane keeps the nicer twin, and dumps the mean one off on Bana and Drake. Thanks, Jane.
Cassidy grows up too. I like the way the Vetinari nose looks on the alien face. He's addicted to the
guitar, and wants to reach the top of the gamer career. Which is fine, as long as he doesn't want
to stay there.
Fast forward through all the boring toddler crap, and Delirium grows up to a child. I am completely
at a loss as to what to do with two reasonably nice Sims in one house.
Oh wait, I know--make them miserable! Yaaay!
Man, I'm beginning to wonder how many nice points I have.
"Jane, the place is a mess. Clean up, why don't you? I'll keep Del busy for a while."
"Cy! The door's locked! Cypress? Is anyone out there? Cass? Del? Cy? Can someone open the
"COULD I open the door? Of course I COULD. It's more that I WON'T open the door. You've failed
me for the last time--what am I supposed to do with a human daughter with six nice points? Still,
though, there's one last thing I can try to get a supernaturally Eeevil minion. A Reaper child."
Delight, I'm sorry I never got to know you! Delirium, please forgive me for separating you from
your sister! I hope someday you girls will find each other, and understand why I did it. Cassidy, I'm
sorry I couldn't do more for you, and I couldn't have loved you any more if you were my own son!
And Cypress--I'm just sorry I won't be there to see you fail in your attempt to stop the Legacy!
I had to take the walls down again. Jane kept going into this corner, and there was no way to get
through the wall and zoomed out far enough to see anything more than the inside of the back of
Notice how unimpressed Cypress looks. And yeah, plumbbob, whoopsie. Had a mo, sorry.
"Hey, this wallpaper's sort of trippy."
Yup, my little sociopath strikes again. Did not cry once.
And remember, Cassidy's not even related to Jane. So this is what Sims with nice points do.
"Cass, just read me one more chapter, pleeeeeaaase?"
"It's bedtime, Del. I'll start here tomorrow night, okay?"
"Well, what if Daddy wants to read me a bedtime story? He won't know where we stopped
"I don't think that's likely. Come on, when haven't I read your bedtime story?"
"You promise you won't forget?"
" 'Course I won't forget. Same time tomorrow night."
"You're the best big brother ever, Cass."
"Yeah, yeah. Now get to bed; I've still got homework to finish!"
"Uh, Dad, what's with the matching jammies all of a sudden?"
"Oh, nothing much. Just the destruction of the Dualegacy growing in my... I don't know, spleen or
"That's... nice, I guess."
"Just make your sister breakfast, mmmkay?"
"Lady, if this didn't hurt so bad, I would be beating the crap out of you right now for your extreme
Cy's Reaper child, Spider Jerusalem, named after the misanthropic gonzo journalist antihero of
"Jeez, Spider, you reek! How long've you been stewing in your own juices?"
"Doesn't that feel better? Certainly smells better, anyway."
"I'm sorry you had to sit there all smelly. I don't know what Dad was doing, but I'm gonna find out."
"Dad! Seriously, what's the deal? Spider was in that crib with a stinky diaper for who knows how
long! You couldn't take five minutes out of your oh-so-busy schedule to change him?"
"I don't care. You can't just leave a baby to scream like that! You killed Mom to get him; the least
you could do is change the occasional diaper!"
"What's the problem? I knew you were coming home from school. It wasn't like he was screaming
for more than an hour or so."
"If you're not going to take care of Spider, why'd you kill Jane? She'd have done it without
complaint. She'd have been glad to do it, even!"
"Somebody had to die. And I don't need her if I have a teenage son whose only usefulness is his
ability to take care of his siblings. You might want to keep that in mind."
"And that opinion is based on what evidence? All available data point to the conclusion that I WILL
kill you if you cease to be necessary."
"How can you say that?"
Whoo. That was cold. Time for a spot of cheer, methinks.
Delight grows up and immediately cleans the tub, takes a bath, breaks the tub, and then plays in
"Broken squirty bathtub piracy! Wheeee!"
"First Mate Didi Vetinari reporting for duty! Let's go find some sloppy scurvy dogs and plunder
their riches! And then tidy up before we escape with our loot, because there's no sense in leaving
things a mess."
"I'm a Rock God! That's--"
Let me guess--Fabulicious? Slash-tastic? Neato? Peachy keen? Wheee-tacular? Spiffarific?
sigh Is it... oh, I don't know, awesome?
"So, let's see, 2+3 is Awesome, America fought Awesome in the Revolutionary War, and the three
parts of an insect body are the head, thorax, and Awesome. Uh, Mommy, something sounds a
little fishy about all that. Can't Daddy help me? He's a Knowledge Sim, after all."
"He's on the Dance Sphere. Fun skilling is awesome!"
"Sometimes I'm really glad I'm not actually related to you."
"Hugs? You want me to hug? I have one nice point! I don't hug!"
"Hugs are awesome!"
Well, not all of my Sims are nasty little pieces of work, at least.
Spider Jerusalem has a glitchariffic birthday!
Cute Reaper child!
You can see that Cass's arms are still all wonky, but what you can't see is that both Cass and
Spider were floating at this point.
Oh, and just for a mild change of pace, Spider Jerusalem is a nasty finger-gunning LEO
(5/9/5/5/1), as opposed to a nasty finger-gunning Aries or Scorpio. Whooptydoo *finger twirl*
"Hahahahaha! Are you sure you're not one of the Uglacy Vetinaris?"
"My last name's Landgraab! And why do people keep asking me if I'm from the Uglacy?"
"You have no nose, weird cheeks, and Snidely Whiplash-tastic brows."
"Yeah, well... you're dumb."
"Ooh, it must have hurt to think that one up."
Del, you have six nice points! You're supposed to be the NICE one!
"Puh-lease. In this house, nice points get you chewed up and spat out."
"You want the horsie, Spider? You want the horsie? Well, you can't have it!"
"Not gonna give it to you! Neener neener neener!"
"Knock it off, Del! He's just a baby; give him the toy already!"
"You're not the boss of me, Cassidy."
"I might as well be! Stop picking on Spider, Del, I mean it! You have too many nice points to be a
"I don't HAVE to be nice to Spider. You can't make me. I may just be a kid, but I'm not stupid. Men
get pregnant with aliens and Reaper children, and Spider's not an alien like you. That means he's
a Reaper child, and the only way to get one is for someone to die. And who do we know that died,
Cassidy? MY MOM, that's who! I don't get to have a mommy so that Dad could have dumb old
Spider Jerusalem. Mom's dead, and it's all Spider's fault!"
"You can't blame Spider for what Dad did."
"She wasn't YOUR mom, Cassidy!"
"Jane was the only mother I ever knew, Del. I miss her too. I wish she were here. I hate what
happened to her, but it wasn't anything Spider did."
"She wasn't your real mom, and it's not the same for you! Stupid Spider for Mommy is not a fair
trade, and I'll be mean to him if I want!"
"Being mean to him won't solve anything."
"You were a better brother when you liked me more than him!" *storms off*
"Hey, Spider. No more crying, okay?"
"I hate this for you, kid. You deserve better. We all do, but Del and I are too nice for whatever Dad
has planned, and he is going to suck you in and make you do who knows what. You shouldn't
have to deal with that. I wish there was something I could do, but I wouldn't even know where to
start. Del hates you, Dad's content to ignore you until you have the capacity for Eeevil, and I'm a
piss-poor substitute for real parents. I'm sorry for all of it. I hate that there's nothing I can do to
make it right."