Who am I?Counselling – working with young people and adults as a volunteer and a professional for 17 years.Also, partly trained in electronic engineering, surfing and computer games.What do I want to give them?ToolsOpportunity to engage = changeWe counsel out of who we are.Needs that brought me here….To contribute to life.Celebrate new awareness.Progress.Meaning.Belonging.
Not a close friend.Not somebody difficult.Anyone else.Q.What is a need that brought you here tonight?Pairs?
Right now, I have a need for? Pairs with Cards?One volunteer?I want you to be completely silent. Go inside and ask yourself – what am I needing at the moment? 3 things.WHY are we talking about this?
I want you to be completely silent. Go inside and ask yourself – what am I needing at the moment? 3 things.How can you get what you need if you don’t even know what you need?!
Along for the ride. – (car with momentum wheels)For me: this was me from 0-12yrs. Just doing life. In some ways just surviving it. In reaction to situations. Little control over my impulses or feelings in difficult situations – aka when my needs were not being met. How can you get what you need if you don’t even know what you need?! That’s where we tend to start….just being along for the ride…driven by our needs, but not knowing that we are or why.Ignorant BlissQ. Do we all have the same needs?Q. What shapes our needs?
Trying to do it right/Fighting it – steering without knowing what’s pushing things along.For me: When I had some good friends and the mental ability to start critiquing life. 12yrs and on…influenced by going to church and hearing how things should be and seeing that in contrast to my life and hugely influenced by David Riddell speaking about how we can change our thoughts and feelings if we learn to think differently.While I found this awesomely helpful, I also found it bit of a trap in that I was still fighting myself and burning a lot of energy trying to get it ‘right’.This life stage is usually about quite concrete thinking. Black and white thinking. It’s right or it’s wrong. And at this stage we are usually more preoccupied with trying to steer the ‘right’ way than looking to see where we are, what direction we are facing, where we have come from, or what is driving the engine!Q. When did you enter this stage?How do you know?
Observing – just sitting there. (Observing and Accepting!)Q. What does it mean to observe without evaluating?To do this you have to have found a way to meet your need for acceptance – self acceptance. Understanding unconditional love – in the here and now – in your life, moment by moment is pivotal in being able to do this.For me I have been slipping into this stage over the last 10 years. It started with burning out and falling into a depression and really being aware that I couldn’t just fix/right my situation with willpower. Instead one day I had an epiphany. I realised I have been fighting to fix myself for years. This wasn’t bad…it was a necessary thing to do as I probably would have not survived continuing as I was, but time had come for me to take a break. Move to the next stage and I realised I was ok enough as I was and I stopped struggling and started living in the here and now. I gave myself permission to rest. I have learnt that this is living in grace. It became crystal clear to me the other day when a good friend of mine said. Our most common request of ourselves, whether we are aware of it or not - is to be ok sitting with our own feelings and needs. Wine.Q. How well do you observe without interpreting.The Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence. When I first read this statement, the thought, "What nonsense!" shot through my mind before I realized that I had just made an evaluation.- Marshall Rosenberg
In both helping ourselves and others, starting from a position of 100% acceptance give us space to acknowledge feelings that may otherwise be hidden or forbidden.If we first take time to listen for and reflect true feelings we might bear witness to somebody’s pain for the very first time. This is both very therapeutic and clarifying.Helping a person to express their feeling aside from their evaluation will help you to then discover their unmet need. Only from here should be attempt to re-write their default strategies that may have been failing them.
In pairs – One talk about a current relevant issue (need) – the other one just listen!ListenerQ. What was hard about staying quiet?Q. What did you notice about yourself as the listener?SharerQ. What was it like have 5 min to just talk?Q. What did you notice about the content that you chose to talk about?
Q. What is a need that you have that you don’t let yourself have?If we are shaming our needs we will be suppressing them…then how will we know what they are?That’s where we tend to start….just being along for the ride…driven by our needs, but not knowing that we are or why. EG1 I shouldn’t care what others think of me.“What you think about yourself is most important.”Bible – fear of man, pray it out, read more bible.Need – Deep need for affirmation – how could we meet this? How do you meet this need in your life? What gets in the way? Could God meet it? Do you ask others to contribute to meeting this need? Do you affirm yourself?EG2I shouldn’t over-react to my kid having a tanty.“They can do what they want – you don’t have control.”Firm boundaries is what they need – are you being consistant.Needs – what need in your life isn’t being met when your kid has a tanty? I wonder if it feels….? How else could you meet this need while your kid is having a tanty?UBF’s – Buttons – Bruises – Can be misconstrued in such a way that shames us for needing to care for ourselves in this area.
I want you to be completely silent. Go inside and ask yourself – what am I needing at the moment? 3 things.How can you get what you need if you don’t even know what you need?!
Living – Observe, Steer, Use the accelerator. (Getting what you need.)I am not sure about this stage. At first I wrote this thinking it was about getting your hands dirty. Looking under the hood. Seeing what’s making things tick. I think that’s partly true…but I think the next part is bit of a dance. I think living is a dance. A dance of all 3. Living in the moment, struggling to make changes at time, but also observing and accepting. I think this combination will help us meet our needs. I don’t know that I am hear yet so the map isn’t clear.What I do know is that it’s not simple, in fact it’s impossible, to live a full life without considering what we need, and how we might fulfil those needs.What stage do you identify with most?What’s the most interesting or useful thing you have got from today?
EG in front of class?
This is an important step but is only internal or with a friend you are getting empathy from – not out loud with the person you are trying to connect with.It’s where you get to vent all your judgements, interpretations, feelings that blame (misjudged/abandoned etc). Get it out! Then when you are ready, move to one of the other steps.
This is about giving a SHORT, FACTUAL, description of what TRIGGERED you to want to connect.“I noticed you went to the movies and didn’t text me.”“I saw the rubbish wasn’t put out this week.”“I notice we have not had a date for about 2 months.”
This step is about taking time to know what I am feeling and say it out loud. Have a good look and see what’s really going on. Watch out for ‘feelings that blame’ or ‘interpretations’. They belong in ‘Jackel’ mode as sharing them will likely trigger defensiveness. If you do feel like Jackeling, then step back into it and go for it . But keep it internal and use it to help you know yourself.AFRAIDapprehensivedreadforebodingfrightenedmistrustfulpanickedpetrifiedscaredsuspiciousterrifiedwaryworriedANNOYEDaggravateddismayeddisgruntleddispleasedexasperatedfrustratedimpatientirritatedirkedANGRYenragedfuriousincensedindignantiratelividoutragedresentfulAVERSIONanimosityappalledcontemptdisgusteddislikehatehorrifiedhostilerepulsedCONFUSEDambivalentbaffledbewildereddazedhesitantlostmystifiedperplexedpuzzledtornDISCONNECTEDalienatedaloofapatheticboredcolddetacheddistantdistractedindifferentnumbremoveduninterestedwithdrawnDISQUIETagitatedalarmeddiscombobulateddisconcerteddisturbedperturbedrattledrestlessshockedstartledsurprisedtroubledturbulentturmoiluncomfortableuneasyunnervedunsettledupsetEMBARRASSEDashamedchagrinedflusteredguiltymortifiedself-consciousFATIGUEbeatburnt outdepletedexhaustedlethargiclistlesssleepytiredwearyworn outPAINagonyanguishedbereaveddevastatedgriefheartbrokenhurtlonelymiserableregretfulremorsefulSADdepresseddejecteddespairdespondentdisappointeddiscourageddisheartenedforlorngloomyheavy heartedhopelessmelancholyunhappywretchedTENSEanxiouscrankydistresseddistraughtedgyfidgetyfrazzledirritablejitterynervousoverwhelmedrestlessstressed outVULNERABLEfragileguardedhelplessinsecureleeryreservedsensitiveshakyYEARNINGenviousjealouslongingnostalgicpiningwistfulFeelings when your needs are satisfiedAFFECTIONATEcompassionatefriendlylovingopen heartedsympathetictenderwarmENGAGEDabsorbedalertcuriousengrossedenchantedentrancedfascinatedinterestedintriguedinvolvedspellboundstimulatedHOPEFULexpectantencouragedoptimisticCONFIDENTempoweredopenproudsafesecureEXCITEDamazedanimatedardentarousedastonisheddazzledeagerenergeticenthusiasticgiddyinvigoratedlivelypassionatesurprisedvibrantGRATEFULappreciativemovedthankfultouchedINSPIREDamazedawedwonderJOYFULamuseddelightedgladhappyjubilantpleasedtickledEXHILARATEDblissfulecstaticelatedenthralledexuberantradiantrapturousthrilledPEACEFULcalmclear headedcomfortablecenteredcontentequanimousfulfilledmellowquietrelaxedrelievedsatisfiedserenestilltranquiltrustingREFRESHEDenlivenedrejuvenatedrenewedrestedrestoredrevived
This is about what you really want. Take time to really sit with your feelings and discover the need. Not the strategy, but the need. This isn’t a demand on anyone, but a need that you have.It will be unique to you because of your life story. It’s not to be ashamed of or to be used as a demand of others. It’s something that fills you up and you can ask others to help meet this need.CONNECTIONacceptanceaffectionappreciationbelongingcooperationcommunicationclosenesscommunitycompanionshipcompassionconsiderationconsistencyempathyinclusionintimacylovemutualitynurturingrespect/self-respectCONNECTION continuedsafetysecuritystabilitysupportto know and be knownto see and be seento understand and be understoodtrustwarmthPHYSICAL WELL-BEINGairfoodmovement/exerciserest/sleepsexual expressionsafetysheltertouchwaterHONESTYauthenticityintegritypresencePLAYjoyhumorPEACEbeautycommunioneaseequalityharmonyinspirationorderAUTONOMYchoicefreedomindependencespacespontaneityMEANINGawarenesscelebration of lifechallengeclaritycompetenceconsciousnesscontributioncreativitydiscoveryefficacyeffectivenessgrowthhopelearningmourningparticipationpurposeself-expressionstimulationto matterunderstanding
This is where you ask. It may be a request of yourself. It may be of another person. It might be just a request to be heard. Keep it simple, doable, and present focussed.“I would really like to know what you just heard me say.”“I would like to go on a date this month – what do you think?”“I would like to hear what you are feeling and needing at the moment.”“I would like you to figure out a way to get rid of the rubbish this week so I need not worry about it.”“I would like you to listen to me for 5 minutes while I get my thoughts out.”These are requests – not demands. If you are not really asking. Don’t ask – go back inside and see why this feels so strong that you cannot make it as a genuine request.CONNECTIONacceptanceaffectionappreciationbelongingcooperationcommunicationclosenesscommunitycompanionshipcompassionconsiderationconsistencyempathyinclusionintimacylovemutualitynurturingrespect/self-respectCONNECTION continuedsafetysecuritystabilitysupportto know and be knownto see and be seento understand and be understoodtrustwarmthPHYSICAL WELL-BEINGairfoodmovement/exerciserest/sleepsexual expressionsafetysheltertouchwaterHONESTYauthenticityintegritypresencePLAYjoyhumorPEACEbeautycommunioneaseequalityharmonyinspirationorderAUTONOMYchoicefreedomindependencespacespontaneityMEANINGawarenesscelebration of lifechallengeclaritycompetenceconsciousnesscontributioncreativitydiscoveryefficacyeffectivenessgrowthhopelearningmourningparticipationpurposeself-expressionstimulationto matterunderstanding
Q.What strategy do you use for meeting the need you just talked about?
ONE YEAR of my degree – the first year.People need to FEEL listened to because?-Know you care before they care what you know.-Some pain needs and audience before it can resolve.-Takes the punch out of pain so that the real issue can be addressed.You need to listen – so that you know what’s going on, so you can ask the right question or offer the right advice.How good are you guys are listening? 1-10People suck at it in general. Pastors included.Listening draws people out of their shame.
Here is an example of the fruit of a lie that has taken root in a heart. A huge amount of our pain in life is caused by not what happens, but how we think about it.I believe I don’t fit in, so I don’t try, so I prove to myself that I don’t’ belong. V’s eg me and band, I fit in, just need to find a place for myself.
Boundaries – What is mine and what is yours.
Boundaries – what’s yours and what’s mine. (HEART/HEAD)Why?Stay safe from:BurnoutDepressionEquipped to see when others have unhealthy boundaries.Symptoms:Anger, Burnout, resentment, caring lying.
Getting What You Need
KNOWING & MEETING NEEDS Please Pick:Outline: Not a close friend.• Introducing Needs (Shuffled Pair) Not somebody difficult.• Stages of Growth in PA (5min talk?) Anyone else.• Dance Floor / Listening• Needs Vs Strategies• Suggested Strategies • Get/Give Empathy (5min talk?) Q. How are you • Change Thinking (Beliefs -> Behaviour) feeling? • Change Actions (Say, Do)• Boundaries Q. What is a need that brought you here?
YOU NEED!• Larry Crabb – Understanding People – Deep Longings for Relationship.• God – “It’s not good for man to be alone.”• Marshall Rosenberg – “Everything we do is in service of our needs.”
I have a need for… AUTONOMY PHYSICAL • choice • foodCONNECTION • space • exercise• acceptance • rest/sleep• affection • sexual expression MEANING• belonging • safety celebration• companionship • touch clarity PLAY• mutuality competence • joy• nurturing contribution • humour creativity• to see and be seen growth PEACE hope • beauty learning HONESTY • ease mourning • authenticity • harmony to matter • integrity
PA Stage 1 – The Ride…Q. Do we all have the same needs?Q. What shapes our needs?
PA Stage 2 – ‘Right’ing and FightingQ. When did you enter this stage?Q. How do you know?
PA Stage 3 – Observing & Accepting “Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.” -J. Krishnamurti Q. What does it mean to observe without evaluating? Q. How well do you observe without interpreting?
NVC DANCE FLOOR making space for graceNVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight
Jackal (Self Talk, Judgements, Interpretations.)NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight
Observation (Short, Clear, Simple description. The facts.)NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight
Feelings (In the body, heart & soul.) AFRAID ANNOYED AFFECTIONATE ANGRY ENGAGED AVERSION HOPEFUL CONFUSED CONFIDENT DISCONNECTED EXCITED DISQUIET GRATEFUL EMBARRASSED INSPIRED FATIGUE JOYFUL PAIN EXHILARATED SAD PEACEFUL TENSE REFRESHED VULNERABLE YEARNINGNVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight
Needs (What fills & sustains.) CONNECTION PHYSICAL WELL-BEING HONESTY PLAY PEACE AUTONOMY MEANINGNVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight
Request (Of myself first…clear, doable, present.)NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight
Dancing Graciously Towards 2 1NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight
Strategy V’s Need STRATAGY NeedRequest of others Internal Request of self Something I do What fills me Tool God given / life shaped Technique Thoughts Not to be denied! Actions Q. What strategy do you use to meet the need you just talked about?
3 Suggested Strategies1. Get/Give Empathy2. Change Thinking (LW - Beliefs/Thoughts/Actions)3. Change Actions (Say, Do) “Our needs are never in conflict…just our clumsily chosen strategies.”
“When people think youre dying, theyreally, really listen to you, instead of just.....instead of just waitingfor their turn to speak?” – Fight Club
Don’t invite myself to events. Keep Invite myself out when I want. Includeto myself. Don’t include myself in myself in conversations. ACTIONSconversations. Don’t ask for help. Ask for, and offer help. ^ Warm, Satisfied, RelaxedAlone, shy, insecure. FEELINGS “I wonder if there is any chocolate in the“They don’t like me.” ^ fridge.”“They didn’t invite me because “How can I contribute here.”they don’t like me.” “I’ll ask them if I can join in and give THINKING“I don’t fit in.” them my number.”There is no point trying to fit in. ^ I fit in here if they like me or not. This place is mine as much anyones.I only go when invited. I can play a part in friendships & ministry.When I am not invited it means I LIFE RULES People need me and most probably likedon’t belong. me.I don’t belong. (KING LIE/Mis- ^ I am a unique part of the puzzle.belief) CORE BELIEFS I belong. I am part of the family. ^ What am I needing? NEEDS
BOUNDARIES – What is mine? What is yours? AREAS OF RESPONSIBILITY
What happens if you take responsibility for that which you have no control over? AREAS OF RESPONSIBILITY
I’m in your space, but I don’t know it and I think you want it or need it. My boundaries are healthy and include only my own feelings, thinking, action My boundaries include their s. feelings, thinking, actions.