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Words Of Wisdom By Steven Wright

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Words Of Wisdom By Steven Wright

  1. 1. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  2. 2. I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time: I think I've forgotten this before. Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  3. 3. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  4. 4. OK, so what's the speed of dark? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  5. 5. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  6. 6. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  7. 7. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  8. 8. Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  9. 9. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  10. 10. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  11. 11. You can’t have everything… where would you put it? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  12. 12. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  13. 13. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  14. 14. I intend to live forever – so far, so good Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  15. 15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  16. 16. I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  17. 17. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  18. 18. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  19. 19. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  20. 20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  21. 21. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  22. 22. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  23. 23. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  24. 24. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  25. 25. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  26. 26. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  27. 27. The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  28. 28. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  29. 29. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  30. 30. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  31. 31. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  32. 32. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  33. 33. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  34. 34. A fool and his money are soon partying Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  35. 35. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  36. 36. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  37. 37. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  38. 38. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  39. 39. On the other hand, you have different fingers Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  40. 40. Someone sent me a postcard with a picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here" Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  41. 41. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  42. 42. What's another word for Thesaurus? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  43. 43. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  44. 44. If you are sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  45. 45. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  46. 46. It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is - it’s always room temperature Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  47. 47. What was the best thing before sliced bread? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  48. 48. Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  49. 49. If a man says something in the woods, and there are no women there, is he still wrong? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  50. 50. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  51. 51. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  52. 52. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  53. 53. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  54. 54. If you take an oriental man and spin him around, does he become disoriented? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  55. 55. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  56. 56. “ I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. “I do” is the longest sentence. Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  57. 57. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it “Fed UP”? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  58. 58. What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  59. 59. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  60. 60. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  61. 61. If it’s true that we are here to help others, what are the others here for? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  62. 62. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  63. 63. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  64. 64. What ever happened to Preparation A through G? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  65. 65. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  66. 66. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  67. 67. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  68. 68. It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it. Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  69. 69. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  70. 70. Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  71. 71. I have an inferiority complex…. It’s not a very good one. Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  72. 72. Why isn’t the word ‘phonetically’ spelled with an ‘f’? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  73. 73. I know a guy who was a clown… when he died, all of his friends went to the funeral in one car. Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  74. 74. The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths . Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
  75. 75. I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, oh my God.. .. .. I could be eating a slow learner . Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

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