1. Writing Action Scenes:
You’ll be lucky to survive
Vincent H. O’Neil (aka Henry V. O’Neil)
www.vincenthoneil.com

2. Mystery and Horror as Vincent H. O’Neil
The Frank Cole / Exile Mystery Series
Supernatural HorrorTheater Mystery Mystery Anthology

3. Military Science Fiction
as Henry V. O’Neil
www.vincenthoneil.com

4. Purpose
Good action scenes can make the readers
feel like participants instead of spectators
Action sequences aren’t just a list of
movements describing what’s happening
—they’re an opportunity to pull the readers
in and make them feel like they’re right in
the middle of the event

5. Presentation Outline
• It’s an experience
• Make it different from the rest
• Put your readers in the action
• Plot it out
• Writing it
• Conclusion

6. It’s an Experience
• Action scenes have great potential to pull
your readers into the story
• Everyone has personal experiences that
can help them relate to action sequences
• Give them a memorable experience

7. Make it Different
• Action scenes shouldn’t read like the
other parts of your story
• There’s almost always something at
stake, so the passage should generate
a sensation of suspense, dread, or
excitement over the possible outcomes

8. Action Scenes are Different
• These sequences also have a faster
tempo, which means they’re transpiring in
a way that often doesn’t lend itself to deep
analysis or explanation
• That’s okay, because in the middle of a
desperate fight, a sports match, or a
natural disaster there’s a lot that the
characters aren’t going to notice

9. Go Easy on the Details
• Provide enough information to keep the
audience from getting confused, but don’t
be afraid to limit the details
• When your characters are running for their
lives, there’s plenty of time later for them
to figure out exactly what happened—
provided, of course, they got away

10. Examples of Action
Arrests
Accidents
Weather events
Natural disasters
Fights
Riots
Chases & escapes
Arguments
Emergencies

11. Example Excerpt
From E. L. Doctorow’s crime novel Billy Bathgate, this is:
• The first time the teenager Billy Bathgate has been
given a task by the Dutch Schultz mob
• Although it’s just getting coffee, he needs to do it right
and do it fast
• This is his one chance to impress the gangsters who
might give him a job

12. Excerpt: Billy Bathgate
A minute later I was tearing down the stairs saying over
in my mind how many black, how many black with
sugar, how many with cream, how many with cream
and sugar, I ran down 149th
Street in the direction of the
Boulevard Diner, I ran faster than the cars were
moving, and the horns of the buses and trucks, and the
grinding gears, and the clop and rattle of horse-drawn
wagons, the sound of all the traffic driving its way
fiercely into the high hours of the business day,
sounded like choir music in my breast.

13. Excerpt: Billy Bathgate
A minute later I was tearing down the stairs saying over in my mind
how many black, how many black with sugar, how many with cream,
how many with cream and sugar, I ran down 149th
Street in the
direction of the Boulevard Diner, I ran faster than the cars were
moving, and the horns of the buses and trucks, and the grinding
gears, and the clop and rattle of horse-drawn wagons, the sound of
all the traffic driving its way fiercely into the high hours of the
business day, sounded like choir music in my breast.
Puts the reader in the middle of things
Focused on the sounds and the movement
Concentrating on doing it rightMotivated to do it fast
Enjoying the challenge

14. Put Your Readers in the Action
• Action sequences are an opportunity to
make the audience feel something
• Stressful circumstances often generate
extreme emotions and heightened senses,
so try to elicit those responses from your
readers

15. What’s It Like?
• Identify the possible sensations and reactions of the
characters involved in the situation
• Describe them to yourself
• Try to remember a similar experience of your own
• Think about how you felt, how you reacted (or didn’t)
and how it was different from a non-stressful event

16. Sensations Connect With Your Readers
• Instead of stating that a character is afraid, offer their
physical reactions
– thudding heartbeat
– dry mouth
– sudden fatigue
• Mental responses
– tunnel vision
– sense that time has sped up or slowed down
– out-of-body feeling
This is standard fight-or-flight stuff, and most of
your audience will relate to it from their own
experiences

17. Example Excerpt
From John Steakley’s scifi novel Armor, this is:
• The moment when the main character Felix
materializes in the middle of an enemy horde
that wasn’t supposed to be there
• Felix is a scout in an armored suit
• The opponents are called Ants, but they’re ten
feet tall and heavily armed

18. Excerpt: Armor
Slamming forward into them, firing wildly about, he had
to get, to get out of them, had to, had-to … mandibles
flashing by him and at him, tree-trunk arms and legs
and claws crossing in front of him … most didn’t seem
to know he was there, and the few who saw and
reacted were blazed down or passed by but still there
were more to come and more still, rows and rows of
them, he’d been dropped right into them, and his
overworked blazer was signaling frantically of
overheating …

19. Excerpt: Armor
Slamming forward into them, firing wildly about, he had
to get, to get out of them, had to, had-to … mandibles
flashing by him and at him, tree-trunk arms and legs
and claws crossing in front of him … most didn’t seem
to know he was there, and the few who saw and
reacted were blazed down or passed by but still there
were more to come and more still, rows and rows of
them, he’d been dropped right into them, and his
overworked blazer was signaling frantically of
overheating …
Shock, surprise, and reflex reactions
Desperation at being TRAPPED
Terrified by the strangenessDisaster of losing his only weapon

20. Make It Realistic
• Do the research—interviews, diaries, books by
people who have been there
• Watch the real thing—videos, news reports,
documentaries
• Watch the fake thing—if an action sequence in
a film resonated with you, watch it again

21. Example Excerpt
From Mario Puzo’s novel The Godfather, this is:
• The scene when Michael Corleone murders the
gangster Sollozzo
• They are meeting at a restaurant
• Although Michael was unarmed when he was
picked up for the meeting, a gun was planted in
the restaurant’s bathroom

22. Excerpt: The Godfather
Michael sat down again … now he felt safe and he
must have been scared because he was glad he was
no longer standing on his legs. They had gone weak
with trembling.
Sollozzo was leaning toward him. Michael, his belly
covered by the table, unbuttoned his jacket and
listened intently. He could not understand a word the
man was saying. It was literally gibberish to him. His
mind was so filled with pounding blood that no word
registered. Underneath the table his right hand moved
to the gun tucked into his waistband and he drew it
free.

23. Excerpt: The Godfather
Michael sat down again … now he felt safe and he must have
been scared because he was glad he was no longer standing on
his legs. They had gone weak with trembling.
Sollozzo was leaning toward him. Michael, his belly covered by
the table, unbuttoned his jacket and listened intently. He could not
understand a word the man was saying. It was literally gibberish
to him. His mind was so filled with pounding blood that no word
registered. Underneath the table his right hand moved to the gun
tucked into his waistband and he drew it free.
He’s never done this in cold blood
Muscular response to fear
Hugely elevated heart rate
Can’t concentrate
In the movie, Al Pacino’s eyes are darting all around just before he moves

24. Consider Responses
Everyone reacts differently, with responses at the outset
that are sometimes different at the end:
• Some people freeze initially and then regain their
balance
• Others leap into action and carry that through
• Some remain calm and methodical
• There are also some entertaining-but-dangerous
individuals who fly into a frenzy

25. In or Out of Character?
Your characters’ responses will say a lot about
them, but consider having them behave in a
fashion that’s unexpected:
– Brave people can experience burnout
– Normally dependable individuals can let us
down—and the coward can save the day
– Action scenes can add depth to your
characters and twists to your plot
– Actions cause reactions, and when human
beings are involved, those reactions can be
very surprising

26. Example Excerpt
From Hank Phillippi Ryan’s mystery novel Prime Time:
• The main character, Charlotte “Charlie” McNally, is an
investigative reporter
• She’s driving her car at night, and several vehicles are
slowly surrounding her
• Charlie now realizes that two fatalities involved in her
investigation weren’t single-car accidents—they were
forced off the road, and it’s happening to her now

27. Excerpt: Prime Time
The night speeds by, towering highway light posts
almost a blur as our eerie convoy of vehicles, the only
ones on the road, races north in unison. My exit is soon.
Maybe my sinister escorts don’t plan to let me take it. So
I might have until the next exit to come up with
something. If I don’t, I realize with growing dread, it’s
adios, Charlie …
I can’t believe how determined I am. When this is over
—cross fingers, cross toes, rabbit’s foot, wish on a star—
I’ll probably freak out. But right now, I’m ice.

28. Excerpt: Prime Time
The night speeds, by, towering highway light posts
almost a blur as our eerie convoy of vehicles, the only
ones on the road, races north in unison. My exit is soon.
Maybe my sinister escorts don’t plan to let me take it. So
I might have until the next exit to come up with
something. If I don’t, I realize with growing dread, it’s
adios, Charlie …
I can’t believe how determined I am. When this is over
—cross fingers, cross toes, rabbit’s foot, wish on a star—
I’ll probably freak out. But right now, I’m ice.
Concentrating on her problem Hemmed in
Life-threatening
Underestimates herself
Rises to the occasion

29. Plot It Out
The real world is a messy place, and it gets worse
at high speed:
• Running people trip over their own feet
• Fighters misjudge the distance, lose their
balance throwing a punch, and get pounded
• In big fights, unusual things start appearing:
– objects flying through the air
– broken items (and sometimes bodies) underfoot
– friends popping up in front of enemies

30. Keep Track
• As the storyteller, you need to know what’s
happening to every character all the way
through—but you aren’t required to share that
• Most of your characters will only see what’s
directly in front of them, and very few of them
will be able to describe the action in full
• You’re the only one who has to comprehend
this thing from start to finish

31. Example Excerpt
From John M. Del Vecchio’s Vietnam war novel The
Thirteenth Valley, this scene is a close attack on an
infantry company perimeter in the jungle
• The viewpoint is a veteran named Molino who, though
a good soldier, has been away from action and only
recently joined Alpha Company in the field
• Molino believes he will be of no use to them

32. Excerpt: The Thirteenth Valley
Doc disappears from Molino’s vision. Molino can’t see the
wounded because of the thick undergrowth. He sees Pop Randolph
running. Pop has sprinted from Alpha’s center. He is running the
direction Doc ran. He is screaming in his hoarse, high voice, yelling
at the top of his lungs. He has a grenade in his left hand, and
grenades strapped to his web gear. He fires his M16 and yells.
Molino can’t understand the words. Pop disappears into the foliage.
Molino looks left-right. He can’t let them go it alone. He hunches
his back, brings his legs up under him, his hands are on the earth,
his rifle is stuffed in the muck. He is sprinting. He throws a grenade.
He did not know he had prepared one, he did not know he knew the
enemy location. He is firing. He is with Doc, and Pop, and Calhoun.

33. Excerpt: The Thirteenth Valley
Doc disappears from Molino’s vision. Molino can’t see the wounded
because of the thick undergrowth. He sees Pop Randolph running. Pop has
sprinted from Alpha’s center. He is running the direction Doc ran. He is
screaming in his hoarse, high voice, yelling at the top of his lungs. He has a
grenade in his left hand, and grenades strapped to his web gear. He fires his
M16 and yells. Molino can’t understand the words. Pop disappears into the
foliage.
Molino looks left-right. He can’t let them go it alone. He hunches his back,
brings his legs up under him, his hands are on the earth, his rifle is stuffed in
the muck. He is sprinting. He throws a grenade. He did not know he had
prepared one, he did not know he knew the enemy location. He is firing. He
is with Doc, and Pop, and Calhoun.
But he DID
Limited vision and confusion
Molino feels he must help
Accident due to distress
Tight focus on one detail
Short, choppy sentences

34. Writing It
By now you’ve identified the sensations and
emotions involved in your action sequence, and
you know what actually happens from beginning
to end. But how to write it?
No matter what the action is, the tempo is
accelerated—and the storytelling should be as
well.

35. Techniques
• Try shorter sentences and smaller words, to convey
urgency and a compressed timeframe
• Try longer sentences and stream of conscious
description
• Action verbs and onomatopoeia can also give the
readers the feeling of actually being in the midst of the
tumult
• Describe the characters’ physical and mental reactions
to events, to tell the story while making the experience
real for the audience

36. Viewpoint in Action Scenes
• You get to choose those viewpoints, and how
accurate they might be
• Single characters will only see and experience
events right around them, while multiple
viewpoints can help reduce reader confusion:
– The single viewpoint conveys uncertainty and
inaccuracy, and helps to put the reader in that
character’s shoes
– However, the perspectives of several characters
can help fill in the blanks

37. Example Excerpt
From my military science fiction novel Glory
Main, this scene is a surprise attack:
• The enemy are known as the Sims
• The human soldiers are concealed in a poorly
defended ravine
• The viewpoint is Lieutenant Jander Mortas,
who has just linked up with the force in the ravine

38. Excerpt: Glory Main
All was sound and movement in the trench, the sergeant hollering “Up!
Up! Up on the line!” dark figures struggling to their feet or up the incline,
more screams from above, now bodies tumbling into the gulley or landing full
in its center, the remaining sentries reaching safety just a few steps ahead of
their pursuers.
A brief, roaring volley from the troops who’d made it to the top, the night
illuminated by white light ripping straight out of the rifle barrels, Mortas taking
in a rapid-fire succession of images as the bodies in the gulley leapt about in
confusion, whipping his head side to side in search of a weapon just before
the wave hit them.
Dozens of bodies came jumping straight into the ravine as if they hadn’t
known it was there. Sims bouncing off the opposite wall, dirt flying, humans
pulled off the parapet, falling in a tangle of weapons and arms and legs and
screams that rent the air. More shots now, close range, the whole world was
shouts and booms and flailing arms and legs. A flare burst just overhead,
swinging wildly on a parachute and casting the gulley into daylight and then
night as it whipped around.

39. Excerpt: Glory Main
All was sound and movement in the trench, the sergeant hollering “Up!
Up! Up on the line!” dark figures struggling to their feet or up the incline,
more screams from above, now bodies tumbling into the gulley or landing full
in its center, the remaining sentries reaching safety just a few steps ahead of
their pursuers.
A brief, roaring volley from the troops who’d made it to the top, the night
illuminated by white light ripping straight out of the rifle barrels, Mortas taking
in a rapid-fire succession of images as the bodies in the gulley leapt about in
confusion, whipping his head side to side in search of a weapon just before
the wave hit them.
Dozens of bodies came jumping straight into the ravine as if they hadn’t
known it was there. Sims bouncing off the opposite wall, dirt flying, humans
pulled off the parapet, falling in a tangle of weapons and arms and legs and
screams that rent the air. More shots now, close range, the whole world was
shouts and booms and flailing arms and legs. A flare burst just overhead,
swinging wildly on a parachute and casting the gulley into daylight and then
night as it whipped around.
Onomatopoeia
Chaos, flying bodies, and limited vision
Stream of consciousness

40. Conclusion
• Action scenes can really engage your readers
• Something important is at stake
• Physical and mental sensations
• Chaotic occurrences and limited perspective
• Shorter sentences or stream of consciousness
• Don’t be overly concerned about the details
• Create an experience for your audience

41. Mystery and Horror as Vincent H. O’Neil
The Frank Cole / Exile Mystery Series
Supernatural HorrorTheater Mystery Mystery Anthology

42. Military Science Fiction
as Henry V. O’Neil
www.vincenthoneil.com