• What first attracts you to the opposite sex?• What characteristics are most important to you?• Divide men & women into separate groups and come up with a list, in order of importance of what characteristics are important in the opposite sex. You attract what you are….. not what you want.
Halo effect: The assumptions that good- looking people possess more desirable social characteristics.• Happiest couples feel their partner is attractive & they have the best sex lives. Appearance continues to be important through marriage. Changes in wife’s appearance have more effect than changes in husband’s appearance.
THEORIES OF MATE SELECTION: Who is the most powerful man in America?Who is the most influential woman in America?• Men are valued for status & money.• Women are valued for good looks, child rearing & homemaking skills.
• MARRIAGE GRADIENT: Why men choose younger women & women choose higher status.• MARRIAGE SQUEEZE: Older women have fewer eligible males. Working women don’t need a man for a paycheck but want a companion.
FIELD OF ELIGIBLES: Culture approvesof potential partners.ENDOGAMY: Marriage within a particulargroup.EXOGAMY: Marriage outside a particulargroup. • Does not allow incestuous relationships. • Second cousins allowed to marry, first cousins over 40 years old. • Native Americans and Orientals marry outside race more often.
OPPOSITES ATTRACT FACT OR FALLACY?What things are important to have incommon?
Important Similarities• Race – 97% marriages of same race.• Religion – Greatest risk of divorce is if one is very religious.• Socioeconomic Status – Men often marry down, women often marry up.• Age – Members of same generation at same life tasks. Gap has narrowed and age entering marriage has climbed.• Propinquity – Residence, geographically limited locale (internet).
Heterogamous MarriagesHomogamous marriages are more likely to succeed because Heterogamous marriages:• Different values and lack understanding.• Lack approval from friends and family, less support.• Less conventional, therefore less likely to stay married for looks. Activity – Take Temperament test.
WHO SHOULD I MARRY?PREDICTORS OF DIVORCE:• Both teens = 3 to 4 x more likely to divorce – Only 5% will last more than 5 years• Girl is a teen = 2 x more likely to divorce
Predictors of Success• Common skills• Good emotional & physical health• High self esteem• High education level• Older age at first marriage• High social status• Longer courtship – average engagement 9 months – average acquaintance 2 – 2 1/2 years)
Predictors of SuccessParent Model• High marriage quality in family of origin• High level of happiness in childhood• Positive relationship between parentsSupport from significant others• Parent approval of spouse• Liking of in-laws• Support of friends
PURPOSES OF DATING• SOCIALIZATION: To develop appropriate social skills to practice getting along with others in different settings.• RECREATION: To have fun and enjoy the companionship of others, and to try new and different activities.• MATE SELECTION: To see others in many different settings, to compare the personality and characteristics of many people.
STAGES OF DATING• Stimulus Stage: Attraction is physical, mental or social.• Value Stage: Weigh each other’s values to see if compatible. Usually determined between 2- 7 dates (best to breakup here).• Role Stage: Analyze behaviors to determine filling roles as lover, companion, friend, worker, spouse and parent.
HOW MANY GUYS WOULD ASK AGIRL OUT WITH OUT BEING GIVENPERMISSION BEFOREHAND?Men are afraid of rejection from women.• 1% of men preferred women who waited to be asked.• 99% of men wanted women to hint to be asked.• 50% of men preferred women to ask them out.
Initiating a Date• Women most often covertly initiate meeting by sending nonverbal signals of interest.• Women control dating: FLIRT = ACTA – AnimationC – Closeness: accidentally on purpose run into them. Be where they are.T – Touch: Catch eye, smile, touch elbow, etc (at least 3times a week)
HOW DO YOU MEET PEOPLE FOR DATING?• Open field: A setting in which potential partners may not be likely to meet, characterized by large numbers of people who do not ordinarily interact, such as a beach, mall or campus.• Closed field: A setting in which potential partners may meet, characterized by a small number of people who are likely to interact, such as a class, dorm or party). Parties are the most common place 1/3 to 1/2 of all meetings are introductions by friends. (also internet, classified ads, dating services and churches)
PROBLEMS IN DATING• Power is not usually a problem in dating but gender roles are.• Who pays?• Who decides?• Communication• Shyness• Sexual pressure
BREAKING UP• Be sure that you want to break up and are not just avoiding problems and issues.• Acknowledge that your partner will be hurt.• Once you end the relationship, do not continue seeing your former partner as friends for some time.• Don’t change your mind.• The pain & loneliness are natural.• You are a worthwhile person whether you are with your partner or not.• Keep a sense of humor.
Increasing:Divorced, widowed, never married• Delayed marriage• Employment options for women• Increased divorce & decreased likelihood of remarriage• More women in college• More liberal social & sexual standards• Uneven ratios of unmarried women to men
SINGLEHOOD• Increases economic, & emotional independence.• Difficulty committing and doing what one ought to do rather than what one wants to do.• Men need women less than women need men thus men flee obligation.• Men less mentally healthy as single.• Media portrays singles as glorified and marriage as unsatisfied with affairs.
TYPES OF NEVER MARRIEDS• Ambivalence: voluntary and temporary• Wishful: Involuntarily & temporary• Resolved: Permanent and prefer it• Regretful: Resigned to their fate. Often well educated, high income over 40 but no available men.
MYTHS OF SINGLEHOOD• Singles are dependent on their parents• Singles are self-centered• Singles have more money (married couples are better off – dual incomes)• Singles are happier• Singles view single hood as a lifetime alternative
CHARACTERISTICS OF SINGLEHOOD• Singles don’t fit into married society• Singles have more time• Singles have more fun• Singles are lonely
COHABITATIONLEGAL PROBLEMS• Can’t file joint tax return• Can’t make medical decisions• Can’t inherit• Can’t enter hospital or jail restricted to “family”• Can’t create estate trust• Can’t claim marital deduction on income tax• Can’t receive survivor insurance benefits• Can’t get health benefits, bereavement leave, etc• Can’t collect unemployment if you move for a partners job• Can’t get residency status for a noncitizen
COMMITMENT• May not work as hard.• Lack of pooling of money• More fighting & violence• Man not expected to support his partner, both work• Less social support• Greater likelihood of divorce• More liberal, independent, less religious, lower income
FAMILY:1. Marriage increases the likelihood that fathers have good relationships with their children.2. Cohabitation is not the functional equivalent of marriage.3. Growing up outside an intact marriage increases the likelihood that children will themselves divorce or become unwed parents.4. Marriage is a virtually universal human institution.
ECONOMICS:5. Divorce and unmarried childbearing increase poverty for both children and mother.6. Married couples seem to build more wealth on average than singles or cohabiting couples.7. Married men earn more money than do single men with similar education and job histories.
8. Parental divorce appears to increase children’s risk of school failure.9. Parental divorce reduces the likelihood that children will graduate from college and achieve high-status jobs.
PHYSICAL HEALTH &LONGEVITY10. Children who live with their own two married parents enjoy better physical health, on average, than do children in other family forms.
11. Parental marriage is associated with a sharply lower risk of infant mortality.12. Marriage is associated with reduced rates of substance abuse for both adults and teens.13. Married people, especially married men, have longer life expectancies than do otherwise similar singles.14. Marriage is associated with better health and lower rates of injury, illness and disability for both men & women.
MENTAL HEALTH &EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING15. Children whose parents divorce have higher rates of psychological distress and mental illness.16. Divorce appears significantly to increase the risk of suicide.17. Married mothers have lower rates of depression than do single or cohabiting mothers.
CRIME & DOMESTIC VIOLENCE18. Boys raised in single-parent families are more likely to engage in delinquent and criminal behavior.19. Marriage appears to reduce the risk that adults will be either perpetrators or victims of crime.
20. Married women appear to have a lower risk of experiencing domestic violence than to cohabiting or dating women.21. A child who is not living with his or her own two married parents is at greater risk of child abuse.
MAKING IT MAKING IT LAST – LAST FOR A LIFETIME FOR A LIFETIME!!Activity – In groups discuss Marriage Opinion 10.3
FIRST IMPRESSION = first illusions People tend to freeze first impressions in their mind. We want to make up our mind very quickly about a person. If these impressions are incorrect they will feel very uncomfortable & compromising.
“You aren’t the man/woman I married”. “You seem different now”. “It isn’t the same as when we were dating”. “You cheated me”.
Misleading initial acts, impressions, and images can become disastrous later on. Clarify any misunderstanding as soon as possible.
ASSERT YOUR IDENTITY Partners must know and respect your identity. If it is compromised it becomes eroded and confused. One must be “REAL”.
RESOLVING PROBLEMS & CONFLICT Both partners must express their wants and needs honestly. Both partners must respect one another as peers. Constructive resolutions build trust.
RESOLVING PROBLEMS & CONFLICT (continued) The time to share fears and confront the possibilities of conflict is from the start. The greater the affection grows, the greater grows the fear of losing love. Don’t “love now & fight later”.
Happily married couples: Summarize 1. Bargaining – compromise (the best deal for both) Paraphrasing 2. Agreement as a gift Validating (without resentment) 3. Coexistence – Agree (to Clarification disagree & live with it)The object of marriage = peaceful coexistence
ACHIEVE GENUINE INTIMACY• Be totally honest and kind at the same time.• Control negative destructive impulses & control your anger.• Express your deepest fears, hopes, and emotions and everyday thoughts.
ACCEPT THE OTHERTOTALLY• Marriage is a lifetime of getting to know each other.• People do not really know each other when they marry.
Before marriage:• We hide……• We ignore……• We mislabel……• We don’t agree on relevant matters…• We believe our loved one will change after marriage.
CHANGING, LEARNING,GROWING TOGETHER• Be flexible – unforeseen events will happen.• Be prepared for change – people change, situations shift, relationships take on new dimensions.
Be enthusiastically involvedin each others becoming aswell as being .• Have a positive attitude.• Express positive comments most of the time.• Criticism about inadequacies eliminates emotional space.
True marriage Is not my devotion to you, Nor is it yours to me. True marriageIs our devotion to us. By Lois Wyse
From Rabbi Ben Ezra Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, The last of life, for which the first was made. by Robert Browning