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Habit 5 Seek first to understand then to be understood

Seek first to understand then to be understood

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Habit 5 Seek first to understand then to be understood

  1. 1. Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People By Stephen.R.Covey
  2. 2. Revising the Seven habits Habit 1 : Be Proactive freedom to choose (take action and be responsible) Habit 2 : Begin with the end in mind consciously plan out and visualize your actions Habit 3: Put First things First Organize and execute your priorities
  3. 3. Habit 4 : Think win-win respect (in negotiation, seek solutions that help both yourself and the other person) Habit 5 : Seek first to understand, then be understood understanding (in communication, listen actively before you talk) Habit 6 : Synergize, creation (in work, open yourself to others to work effectively in teams)
  4. 4. Habit 7 : Sharpen the Saw renewal (relax, rejuvenate, and revitalize yourself) Renewal
  5. 5. Habit 5: Seek first to understand then to be understood Listen! Be emphatic: Someone is daring to share their thoughts and beliefs with you. ‘’Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply’’
  6. 6. Mistaking talking for listening Do you ever wonder if you are listening sincerely? When you often give one of the following replies when talking to someone, you are probably doing anything but listening: •“I went through the very same thing. Let me tell you about my experience.” •“Oh, I know exactly how you feel.” How can you understand the other with a few words and reply with an entire story? Simple: you can’t!
  7. 7. Five types of listening Covey distinguishes between five types of listening (or pretending to listen). • Ignoring: not really listening at all. • Pretending: humming along while not really following. • Selective listening: hearing what you want to hear. • Attentive listening: paying attention to the words. • Empathic listening: intending to understand what the other is trying to communicate.
  8. 8. Empathic listening is not about agreeing with the other (showing sympathy). It is about understanding what message the other is trying to convey. It is the only form of true listening.
  9. 9. What you should NOT do Four types of reacting from an egocentric perspective, that are unproductive: • Evaluate: do not immediately let the other know whether you agree or disagree. • Probe: do not keep asking questions and investigating. • Advise: do not counsel purely based on your personal experiences. • Interpret: do not try to define the motives of the behavior based on your personal experience.
  10. 10. STEPS FOR EMPATHIC LISTENING . Listen carefully to the speaker’s messages, both verbal and nonverbal  Display an open, caring posture  Consider the speaker’s emotional state  Calmly reflect back what you perceive the speaker’s feelings and meaning to be
  11. 11. Be a sounding board -- allow the speaker to bounce ideas and feelings off you while assuming a nonjudgmental, non-critical manner. Don't ask a lot of questions. They can give the impression you are "grilling" the speaker. Act like a mirror -- reflect back what you think the speaker is saying and feeling. Don't discount the speaker's feelings by using stock phrases like "It's not that bad," or "You'll feel better tomorrow." Don't let the speaker "hook" you. This can happen if you get angry or upset, allow yourself to get involved in an argument, or pass judgment on the other person.
  12. 12. BEHAVIOURS TO AVOID × Questioning or Probing × Judging × Criticizing × Lecturing × Advising × Interrupting
  13. 13. EMPATHIC LISTENING TIPS • Be interested in the speaker • Have good eye contact and body language • Minimize distractions • Invite the speaker to expand on his or her thoughts • Respond in a tone that is appropriate for the situation
  14. 14. THE BENEFITS OF EMPATHIC LISTENING • builds trust and respect, • enables the disputants to release their emotions, • reduces tensions, • encourages the surfacing of information, and • creates a safe environment that is conducive to collaborative problem solving.
  15. 15. Points to Remember Empathic listening is about the speaker, not the listener It is not necessary to use empathic listening during an entire conversation; it is primarily a way to understand another person’s point of view  no matter who you are, where you live, or what your religion – when we truly need to be heard we speak to the greatest “ empathetic listener,” known to mankind
  16. 16. Diagnose Before You Prescribe We often prescribe before making a proper diagnosis when communicating. We should first take the time to deeply understand the problems presented to us. Although it’s risky and hard, seek first to understand, or diagnose before you prescribe , is a correct principle manifest in many areas of life. If you don’t have confidence in the diagnose, you won’t have confidence in the prescription.
  17. 17. EXAMPLES An effective sales person first seeks to understand the needs, the concerns, the situation of the customer. The professionals learn how to diagnose, how to understand. He also learns how to relate people’s needs to his products and services. As in order to influence, you need to be influenced.
  18. 18. CONT’D Diagnosing before you prescribe is also FUNDAMENTAL TO LAW. The professional lawyers first gather the facts to understand the situation, the laws and precedents, before preparing the case. A good lawyer almost writes the opposing case before he writes his own.
  19. 19. CONT’D Diagnose to prescribe is also true in PRODUCT DESIGN. A good engineer will understand the forces, the stresses at work, before designing the bridge. A good teacher will assess the class before teaching. A good student will understand before he applies.
  20. 20. Cont’d The quality of our relationships also requires practicing the principle of "diagnose before prescribe." In our families, among our friends and at work, we usually don't really listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply. Especially under stressful circumstances, when discussing complex issues with our loved ones, the way we "listen" is to "prescribe before diagnosing." We jump to conclusions, attack the speaker's views and defend our own conclusions before really deeply understanding. We interrupt with our own commentary, complete the speaker's sentences, jump to agreement or disagreement, give advice and ask probing questions that the speaker may really not want to answer.
  21. 21. Cont’d The key to good judgment is effective understanding. We must first understand the problem before we can effectively address the solution.
  22. 22. Cont’d Seek first to understand is a correct principle evident in all areas of life. It’s a generic , common denominator principle, but it has its greatest power in the area of interpersonal relations.
  23. 23. Autobiographical means pertaining to one’s own life if you are explaining something to someone and you use a story from your life as an example.
  24. 24. • we either agree or disagreeWe evaluate • we ask questions from our own frame of referenceWe probe • we give counsel based on our own experienceWe advice • we try to figure people out, to explain their motives, their behavior, based on our own motives and behavior.We interpret
  25. 25. Let's take a look at what well might be a typical communication between a father and his teenage son. "Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!" "What's the matter, Son?" (Probing) You will never be able to truly step inside another person, to see the world as he sees it, until you develop the pure desire, the strength of personal character, and the positive Emotional Bank Account, as well as the empathic listening skills to do it.
  26. 26. 1st stage This is the skill taught in "active" or "reflective" listening .You just listen to the words that come out of someone's mouth and you repeat them. You're hardly even using your brain at all "Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!" "You've had it. You think school is for the birds.“ You haven't evaluated or probed or advised or interpreted. You've at least showed you're paying attention to his words. But to understand, you want to do more.
  27. 27. 2nd stage The second stage of empathic listening is to rephrase the content. It's a little more effective, but it’s still limited to the verbal communication "Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!" "You don't want to go to school anymore." This time, you've put his meaning into your own words. Now you're thinking about what he said, mostly with the left side, the reasoning, logical side of the brain. 3rd stage The third stage brings your right brain into operation. You reflect feeling. "Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!" "You're feeling really frustrated." Now you're not paying as much attention to what he's saying as you are to the way he feels about what he's saying.
  28. 28. 4th stage The fourth stage includes both the second and the third. You rephrase the content And reflect the feeling. "Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!" "You're really frustrated about school." Frustration is the feeling; school is the content. You're using both sides of your brain to understand both sides of his communication. Now, what happens when you use fourth stage empathic listening skills is really incredible.
  29. 29. UNDERSTANDING AND PERCEPTION As you listen deeply you will discover over tremendous differences in perception
  30. 30. Seek first to understand then to be understood 1. Need to understand another individual’s perception. 2. Know how to be understood by other
  31. 31. Earlier we defined maturity as the balance between courage and consideration. Seeking to understand requires consideration; seeking to be understood takes courage. Win-win requires a high degree of both. So it becomes important in interdependent situations for us to be understood. The early Greeks The early Greeks had a magnificent philosophy which is embodied in three sequentially arranged words Ethos Pathos logos. I suggest these three words contain the essence of seeking first to understand and making effective presentations.
  32. 32. Then seek to be understood Three words are effective in making effective presentation: • Ethos • Pathos • logos
  33. 33. This has to do with the person’s credibility and accountability It is a persuasive appeal based on the character of the individual “Doctors all over the world recommend this type of treatment.” People tend to believe the opinions of doctors in the matter of medical treatments.
  34. 34. PATHOS This is a means of persuasion that appeals to the empathic side or emotions of the audience. Example: “If we do not leave this place soon, we will end up yelling for help. We do not see anyone to help us here. So, leave this place and live”- the statement evokes emotions of fear.
  35. 35. LOGOS It is a means of persuasion by demonstration of logical proof real or apparent. It appeals to the intellect of the reader
  36. 36. Notice the sequence: ethos, pathos, logos -- your character, and your relationships, and then the logic of your presentation. This represents another major Paradigm Shift. Most people, in making presentations, go straight to the logos, the left-brain logic, of their ideas. They try to convince other people of the validity of that logic without first taking ethos and pathos into consideration
  37. 37. • You're not wrapped up in your "own thing," delivering grandiose rhetoric from a soapbox. You really understand. What you're presenting may even be different from what you had originally thought because in your effort to understand, you learned. • Habit 5 lifts you to greater accuracy, greater integrity, in your presentations. And people know that. They know you're presenting the ideas which you genuinely believe, taking all known facts and perceptions into consideration, that will benefit everyone
  38. 38. ONE ON ONE • Consisting of or being direct communication or exchange between two people. • The circle of your influence and concerns for problems, disagreements, circumstances and others behavior.
  39. 39. CIRCLE OF INFLUENCE • The Circle of Influence is the area that we have control over. CIRCLE OF CONCERN • The Circle of Concern is the area that we have no control over.
  40. 40. • Proactive people focus on the Circle of Influence, which is the area we have control over and we can act upon. When we do this, the Circle of Influence gets bigger. When you act on your Circle of Influence you are able to reduce stress levels and increase happiness, because you can initiate and influence change.
  41. 41. • Many factors in interdependent situations are in your Circle of Concern :
  42. 42. SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND • As you focus on your Circle of Influence, you really, deeply understand other people. heart of matters quickly accurate information to work with Build emotional bank accounts
  43. 43. INSIDE OUT APPROACH • The 'Inside-Out' approach to personal and interpersonal effectiveness means to start first with self; even more fundamentally, to start with the most inside part of self -- your character, and your motives. • Opportunities to practice this habit proactively occur every day with your co- workers, customers, friends, and family.
  44. 44. IN PRACTICING HABIT 5  The main thing to take note of here is that whatever you do, don't push them and try to force them into opening up to you. This will most certainly lead to a withdrawal from your emotional bank account as you'll actually seem cold, unfeeling and manipulative.  When we really, deeply understand each other, we open the door to creative solutions and Third Alternatives.
  45. 45. • Seek first to understand. Before the problems come up, before you try to evaluate and prescribe, before you try to present your own ideas -- seek to understand. It's a powerful habit of effective interdependence.
  46. 46. Suggestions Giving someone the feeling that you are truly listening has great impact on your relationship. Once the other has the feeling that you are really listening he will ask you what your opinion is. He will want to know if you had similar experiences and how you acted. But he will want to know these things only after you listened first! Learning how to listen is a great advantage when you are working. The reason for this is that the perception others have of you changes when you listen emphatically. Your friends, colleagues, and family will start experiencing you as an open person, and hence will start opening up themselves to you.
  47. 47. Listening Road Blocks Spacing Out: Your mind wanders when others talk. Pretend Listening: You don’t really pay attention to the other person, but you pretend to. You say “yeah,”, “uh-huh,” and “cool.” Selective Listening: You listen only to the parts that interest you. Selfish Listening: You always bring the conversation back to you and your life. You say things like “I had that happen too” and “I know how you feel.”
  48. 48. Journal Entry or Discussion Starter: We all have times when we are poor listeners. Which “Listening Road Block” do you most often use? Explain why this happens.
  49. 49. Everybody wants to be listened to. When people feel like you listen, they are more likely to like you. So, be a good listener, and you’ll have lots of friends. I’m All Ears What are some ways that you can show people that you ARE listening? Who is a good listener? Create a list of people that you know that listen well.
  50. 50. Listen With Your Eyes: Sometimes you have to listen with your eyes as much as you listen with your ears. People say a lot with their body language and facial expressions.
  51. 51. Emotion Charades: Find a partner. Practice ‘listening with your eyes”. Choose an emotion to try to express just with your face and body. You can not use words. •Angry •Sad •Embarrassed •Tired •Happy •Thinking •Bored •Impatient •Scared •Worried •Relaxed •Frustrated •Surprised •Stressed •Confused •Flattered •Nervous •Annoyed •Interested
  52. 52. Mirror, Mirror To be a good listener, mirror back what someone says. Repeat back in your own words what the person is saying. Use statements like “You seem to be feeling…” and “So what you are saying is…”
  53. 53. Journal Entry or Discussion Starter: Have you ever had a time with your family or friends when you knew that you needed to “zip it” and just listen? Why is it important to do this sometimes? How does this help the person you are listening to?
  54. 54. Are you a good listener? Very Good Listener Not Such a Great Listener How could you be a better listener?
  55. 55. Conclusion Communication is the most important skill in life. You spend years learning how to read and write, and years learning how to speak. But what about listening? What training have you had that enables you to listen so you really, deeply understand another human being.
  56. 56. Conclusion After reading this chapter we have come to end that we have realized that we could definitely listen more empathetically and let people be understood more. We tend to relate what other people are saying to us, to our own life and by doing this we are not letting the person talking to us be fully understood. We really want to personally improve that in our lives, it will help strengthen the relationships we have with the people.