Get back your ex In 10 easy steps By Shubhra Bhattacharyya Suvashish Chander Bhattacharyya Tushar Bhattacharyya
IntroductionHumans are a species where relationships matter a lot. Their lives depend upon abunch of relations which helps them to exist socially and mentally, both. Moreover, lifehas its natural rhythm; it takes its natural course. To endure all the tumbles and tests,you need to form a relationship; a bond which helps you to overcome all odds. Why is itimportant to handle a relation with care? It is extremely difficult to forge a relationship,and to carry it forward in a delicate manner is harder than imagined. It might take youyears to create one and a second to end one, forever.Out of all the relationships, the spousal relationship is the most delicate. It is also one ofthe strongest bonds in the archive of all the relations. It is one of those associations,which is the foundation stone for a bunch of other ones. If neglect and hiccups appear inthis bond, then your life becomes the living face of chaos. You could head towards acomplete breakdown; and it could also result in the total annihilation of your self-esteem.So you need some special powers to nurture your spousal relationship into anunbreakable vice, where both the partners are bound in the strongest bond ever, Love.If you notice a gap in your relation, then it is a warning bell. Start working on it- ASAP. Itmight take some time and commitment, but you need not worry. A bit of care might sealthe bond. Then you could sit back and take a look at what went wrong and then youcould initiate the repair.In case, you have got a step further and have a breakup in your hands right now, then itis better to take a grip of yourself and handle the situation in the best possible way. Youneed to be alert to the rule, ―Fragile: Handle with care.‖ With utmost delicacy, you couldreverse the splitsville, and find that your true love has survived one of the biggestscares.When we were penning down this e-Book, feeling speculative about the content I wasgoing to deliver. Get back your ex in 10 easy steps is not intended to give away advice,only suggestions which could change your perspective. Human beings might be acomplex species, but we all belong to the same race. Isn‘t that an advantage? Jokesapart, I went around discussing issues related to the topic, browsed through a lot ofblogs and print media. I must say that was an enriching experience for all of us.In this e-book, we will discuss all what is necessary to keep your relationship healthy.How to handle yourself during a breakup? How to get things back on track? Also, howdo you evolve it into a rock-solid bond? Is it possible to get back all that you have lost?We aim to answer all this and lot more. All the measures you need to take post-
breakup. How to avoid depression during this period? With the aid of this e-book, youcould also take up a survey of how long your relationship is going to last and whetheryou need to invest more time into it; or simply put an end to it, for good.Once you have the wisdom in your pocket, you can dole out lot more to a relationship.You can also check out whether you are deploying the right strategy, or simply bubblingaway your love in unnecessary directions. Learn to live better while avoiding extrapressure in your love-life. Do not tolerate any sort of abuse at any cost. You need tounderstand the course of actions to make a relation stand up to all the weatheringforces. If we can make your life pleasurable, make it a happy dream, then that would bethe biggest trophy one could earn. That‘s our aim, which we wish to achieve throughthis e-Book. “May God bless you!”
Do not immediately jump to woo your partner back post break-up. The going hasbeen rough for a while, and both of you need some time to recuperate. Theheartbreak and the agony can be quite tiring, so just try to slow down. Divert yourmind to the stuff you were ignoring for quite some time. You might have to paybills or something needs to be fixed, so just finish those things until you hunt foryour next distraction.Always be prepared beforehand. You need to have your own support system athand. Pets, Friends and Parents are the best ways to allow you to recreate theemotional bubble that will not let you become low-spirited during this period.Also, keep two things in mind. A break-up is not the end of the world. The secondthing, you have a whole lot of other relations to pay attention too. Others toodeserve a slice of your life. In fact, I find it a lot easier to deal with broken heartby discussing it over with my folks and kin. Shrinks have also suggested thesame when such occasions arise. Peers have been through the same phases intheir life and their age-old wisdom sure comes in handy.Couple your kith and kin with pets. People have their own limitations, but animalshave proved to de-stress such emotionally demanding periods. Flames don‘t dieat all, they just subsidize after a while. Then other occurrences take over. Whilemany readers might rule this as plain insensitiveness, a broken heart is thehardest to heal. If not tended at the right time, things might get out of hand.Now, just think of it the other way round. What if your ex takes it in a differentmanner? What if your partner might be thinking in a completely oppositemanner? Maybe, your love needs you to be by their side at that very moment. Dr.Weaver response to such situations is, ―Take your own decision during thisphase. A little bit of concern is good, but do not overdo it, for you are goingthrough the same turmoil.‖How to avoid the possibility of your ex hopping on another ship? It is the biggestquestion According to Dr. Weaver, such situations occur only in two cases, eitherthe person is flirtatious or in a confused state of mind. Stats have shown majorityof the cases are of the latter kind. Dr. Weaver further clarifies, ―The human mindis more complex than any other species. Of course, there are major drawbacks inthe way humans behave, but they are after all social beings. The human mind istrained to understand empathy. One will eventually understand the truth. If the exis intent on jumping ship, allow them to do so, because you have tried your bestto stop them.‖ The answer is pretty clear. If your ex doesn‘t handle the situation,then you have to accept the seething pain.
Now, when the writing on the wall is pretty evident, the best way is to revert tosquare one. Go to your parents, spend time with your seniors or simply buy apet. In case you do not agree with the first two suggestions, do go for the thirdone. A pet might go a long way in handling your mood swings during the period.Pets are animals which have a high tameness quotient. They tend to reciprocatethe love their masters bestow over them. Many eventually overcome thedepressing period owing to the company a loyal pet provides. Stats have shownand supported this theory. People with pets seem to recuperate from anemotional disturbance faster than people without pets. Who could have thoughtthat a loyal pet could fill up the emotional voids that humans tend to ignore.What kind of pet would help the most? A dog or a cat? A hamster or a horse? Aparrot could also make a good pet. Dr. Smith of Berkley Medical College pointsout,‖ Any sort of pet could serve the cause. People usually are comfortable withpets with which they find an emotional connection. You could choose any pet thatmixes with you easily.‖ Dr. Smith also suggests unusual pets like the Iguana orsnakes. ―South Asian communities in Vietnam or Cambodia have the strangestof animals as pets. I have seen people treating pythons and monkeys as familymembers.‖ says Dr. Smith. So the verdict is clear, anything goes.Picking up a hobby is also helpful in dealing with the post break-up situations.Hobbies tend to ventilate the minds. Keeping your mind busy with a healthypastime stimulate the brains, which helps you to phase out depression. Dr.Lopez, a marriage consultant in California, is hard-pressed over this issue. ―Ihave always suggested leisure pursuits for my clients who have had a roughseparation phase.‖ He adds, ―Though this seems as an off-directed logic, but itcertainly works out. Our minds do not work logic per se.‖ Point taken, Doc!Now, are there any hobbies that work wonders to cut out the sadness in yourlife? Of course, says an anonymous shrink from Washington D.C. The easiestway is to take up cooking, an age-old stress buster. I have done that myself, shestates. Whenever I am bitten by the ―insect of melancholy‖, I cook up exoticdishes and search for unknown recipes. ―Also helpful are those weekendbarbeque spreads‖, she says. ―I find those BBQ bashes as the best way ofsocializing.‖Although remedies like these might sound easy and tactful, some folks might notenjoy simple chores suggested until now. Such folks need stronger, persuasiveand quicker techniques to heal their mental wounds. Despite the fact that oneneeds to be patient, there are cases that contradict the normal dictum. In thatcase, one should head to a counselor as without delay. Dr. Paulini, of BolognaSchool of Medicine affirms, ―One cannot deny the fact that this is a disturbing
situation. The after-effects are too strong on sensitive folks. A severe step could mean that more chaos would ensue. It‘s better to be looked after by a professional.‖ Point taken, Dr. Paulini. ***Chapter.2 Find the Reason Try to perceive what went wrong
Now that you have taken some time off your relationship, try to perceive whatwent wrong in the first place; sit back and reflect whether the consequences wereimminent. Most of the times, when you track down the root of the trouble, otherproblem areas also become obvious. When these problem areas are exposed,you can act upon them. Unclear reasons make the problem linger on for a longerperiod. If you overlook this step, emotionally sanitizing yourself after a breakupbecomes extremely difficult.Unattended issues could cause your time-tested relationship to end withinseconds; such is the graveness of the issue. That‘s because our minds arefragile and vulnerable. They need emotional security each and every second oftheir life. Any rubble that causes tension in your love-life can destroy it too. Beingon a lookout for these factors could help you to keep a check on these anti-lovemines. Top 10 Reasons for a BreakupFor men:1. Women dont pay attention to a man’s problemsA man needs a chance to speak. In this dog-eat-dog world, he has a hard time incommunicating his feelings to someone who really cares to listen to what he hasto say. The problem is that guys don‘t appreciate feelings or those ‗mushysensitive‘ talk. Machismo is the way for them and they will do anything to look.Tears are just not welcome.A woman often exhibits motherly tendencies. Men actually love this trait; but ifyou keep on pressing your motherly side a bit too much, then you can earn thetag of being bossy.Moreover, we are not always right, but we can have opinions, can‘t we? It getsunder our skin when we are made to feel like our opinion doesnt matter. Whowants to stay with someone like that, who does not bother for your feelings?2. Women believe their girlfriends’ suggestions or adviceMen understand the need for female friendship. In fact, they love the fact thatwomen have their private sanctuary (After all, it gives them time for those bowlingnights or a boy‘s night-out). They can go with the girls night out deal. But whenyou start slipping details of your relationship, thats actually asking for trouble.Yes, if you want to bitch about your man with your girlfriends, your husbandmight not mind that. But, do not litter your married life by bringing in the loose talk
back to bed. Your man has a different role in your life. Your friends are acompletely different matter; don‘t mix both of them.Do men bitch about their women? Hell yes, they do! But, they are just like you.Men accept that their lady might be right in many places, but never in your face.After all, that would mean that they have lost ‗it‘.3. Don’t mix your relationship with your family affairNo you don‘t need to run away from your family. Spousal relationship issupposed to be a two party contract, not a kidnapping. However, if were matureenough to isolate these associations and keep what goes on between us justbetween the both of you, then its fine. Is it too much to ask of you to do thesame? If you let out every detail of your marriage to your parents or siblings, yourman will certainly feel bad. That will distance you further from your husband orpartner.What if it is the other way round? Is your man a Mama‘s boy? Of course, thistime round you know who‘s to blame.4. Don’t become a Clinger and do not ask him to become oneWomen dont need to visit every single place that their men go to, and womendont expect men to trail along with them either. Thats what makes the time thatyou both spend together so special. We each had our own set of likes anddislikes before we hitched up. Old habits need some time to evolve before youcommit yourself to the other one. Dont even try to drag your man with you eachand every place, especially if its going to be an all ladies‘ party. Men dont like tosit and listen to talk about fashion, or some private talk about cheating men orwomen etc. Just dig six feet under and bury your man, if thats the case.5. Is this a relationship or an imposition?Remember those detentions you got during your school? Or you had to scribblethe lone sentence after class, ―I will not repeat my mistake again‖ It does sendsome shivers down the spine, no? Men hate giving an account of where theyvebeen almost all the time, and who theyve been with. A relationship is supposedto have a bit of space as well. It is not supposed to feel like a sentence. Morethan space, if a man feels that hes not an object of trust; his lady doesn‘t trusthim, expect him to walk out of the relationship. Don‘t suffocate your relationshipat any cost.6. If you like being Independent, what do you need a man for?
Males have their own egos fitted into personalities.”I can do this‖ or ―I can dothat‖ are the general statements they resort to, when offered help. But, theyaren‘t good at everything, especially when it comes to the kitchen duties. Now, ifyou do the same with a man, he‘s bound to feel uncomfortable. This is a sure-shot way of putting an end to your relationship.Let your man do what he‘s good at. Handle what you can do yourself. After all,men and women are made to complement each other, not indulge in a slugfest.7. Don’t be too dependent on him, eitherIt‘s confusing to follow the previous step and this one at the same time, but oneneeds to balance the yin and yang. Men like a women to be mature and sensible.No, you don‘t need to turn a sous chef for her. But, you can at least take somebasic decisions on your own. ―Tell me what to wear for dinner?‖ or ―Do I lookgood today?‖ These questions could bolster a man. If you have a habit ofquestioning a lot, or that you need a different point of view in every small thing,you are in deep trouble. Women are not supposed to act like children, and menhate to handle children (Why do you think the world adores mothers?). If you donot change your ways, it wouldn‘t be long before your relationship would be onthe rocks. Downer8. Be positiveMen like being motivated. If a woman openly disapproves a man‘s actionsneedlessly, then expect him to be in the blues for a long time. You can notice it inthe eyes itself. Even the renowned psychologists confirm the fact. A man cannottolerate an attack on his self esteem. Like a woman needs her man‘s assurance,a man needs the reassurance. Humans need security; it is a part of everyhuman‘s genetic code. Nothing to be ashamed of, isn‘t it? After all, that is whenwe realize each other‘s value.9. Don’t let the past haunt your present―To err is human.‖ We all have made mistakes, haven‘t we? One needs to learnfrom mistakes, not have a big hangover the mistakes. If your partner has made amistake, and you agree to forgive him for it, then stay put on your word. If youkeep on digging out the skeletons, then your relationship is going to be rot swiftlyand you will soon let your relationship slip out of your hands like sand in anhourglass. It might be difficult to let go of the past, but obsessing over the ex-filescan wreck your present life.10. His friends aren’t your friends, but dont run away from them
Men know their friends beforehand. He knows their behavior from his childhooddays. If one or more of his friends love to kick ass, he knows this already. If theyare flirtatious, he will surely pack them off. Don‘t nag him constantly for that. Lethim take care of it. If you keep avoiding his friends, you tend to make all theparties uncomfortable. A sensible man knows how to make his friends behave infront of his love. In case he‘s wimping about a characterless friend of his, then beready to walk out for the sake of your security. But do not assume that all menare hounds.In case, you are clueless about how to handle your man‘s friends, then there‘s alot of ways out. Consult your peers; otherwise simply follow the social protocol.For women:Relationships are extremely fragile for women, and one should tend to arelationship with extreme care. The more you are careful to your relation, thebetter. If you let an incident or two slip, by be sure of a trouble in close quarters.If you have a breakup on your hands or you just broke up, here is a list of ten ofthe most common reasons that could have played the devil. The reasons givenbelow are helpful in maintaining a healthy relationship.1. UnfaithfulnessThe biggest reason for a split is infidelity. You cheat once and you have rockedyour relationship big-time. I have seen women trying to figure out what theylacked, why their man abandoned them for another lady. Infidelity is a situationwhen one of the partners loses interest in his/her better half and likes someoneelse. It is a phenomenon that has been going on for centuries and the reasonthat most breakups occur. Men are often visually stimulated. So a small amount of titillation could spelldisaster for a relationship. According to a study, all sort of weird reasons havehad men cheat over their wives or partners. A bigger pair of boobs and buttscould be the cause. Some have even ditched their relationship on account of apoor foreplay. Whatever, you perv!Some reasons, however, are concerned with the mental aspect of therelationship. One cannot generalize men on the basis of their habits, but they aredownright impatient. There might be a few exceptions, but let‘s keep that out ofthe discussion right now. They visualize of the aspects out of the marriage, that
are momentary pleasures, or at best, a mirage. After the moment of illusion isover, then what do you do? Do we head south after that, hell yeah! Marriage‘sover guys, no more crying over spilt milk.Infidelity is one of the biggest marriage killers, all across the world. Stats revealthat one in two marriages is dissolved due to unfaithfulness in a relationship.Another alarming trend is that about seven out of ten times, it is the man who isthe culprit. Nothing would hurt a person more than a cheating partner andaccepting someone who has been cheating becomes really difficult. Thoughsome people do accept the situation and try hard to have a happy relationship,most people prefer to split as they have a strong feeling that if someone gets ataste of infidelity, they can never be trustworthy.2. Help, I want a baby!Every couple desires to have their own children. Although the trend of adoption isfast catching up, it can never replace the joy of having your own biologicaldescendant. Many a times a split occurs when over-trying gobbles up yourmarriage. It brings in a lot of stress in the relationship ultimately resulting incracks in the bond which holds the partners together. The sex life gets affected.Consciously or unconsciously, all their actions in bed would lose the passion andthe affection, hence making the moment mechanical. Rhetorically, it allows themincing of a relationship. Just one motive, making a baby! A time may also comewhen one of the partners is blamed for the whole issue. Thus, breakup is evidentwhen the couple is not able to have an offspring.3. BoredomWhen the relationship becomes predictable, expect some amount of roughweather in your married life. A routine life with little or no romance, takes awaythe charm of any relationship. It is very essential to keep the spark alive in yourrelationship. Once boredom creeps in the relationship, it would probably give achance for infidelity. Boredom occurs when both the partners are way too busy orway too ignorant about the fact that their relationship needs both time and effort.However, boredom may not kill a relationship directly, but may lead to thebreakup happening as a result of one partner ending up straying his/her wayfrom the relationship.4. Frequent Conflicts
Another reason that people choose to split is when there is an occurrence offrequent conflicts in a relationship. Frequent arguments and fights causetremendous mental stress to both the initiator and the victim. When tension levelsare high in a relationship, there is no room for love. A couple‘s tendency to fightall the time leads to endless nagging, saying hurtful things to each other,constantly trying to prove the other one wrong and other such things. If both thepartners are hot tempered, this situation is almost inevitable. It is not denying thefact that the resulting emotion after a fight is always pain and hurt.5. IndependenceThere are some people who love independence and who also believe that theydo not need to get any guidance, support or help from anybody. If one partner ina relationship is like that, you may conclude that the chances of such arelationship breaking up are high.6. AbuseThis is probably the worst way a relationship can end. Mental, physical or sexualabuse is a crime but the saddest part being that people suffering from it seldomcome out in the open and break up with their partners. Such persons suffersilently because they do not have the courage to walk out of the relationship.However, there are people who let their better sense prevail and walk out. Theabuse they suffer may make them mentally disturbed for a long time.7. SuspicionThis is another reason for breakups in the recent times. Trust is the mainingredient of any relationship and it is very difficult for a relationship to survive ifthere is no trust between the partners. If one of the partners is suspicious aboutthe other, it will invariably show in his/her actions. Suspicions and doubts wouldlead to constant questioning and tension between the partners. Thoughsometimes these suspicions do hit the bulls eye, many times there is no truth inthem.8. AddictionAddiction is also a reason for a couple to split up. If a partner is addicted toalcohol or drugs and is unable to come out of that, the relationship may breakdown.9. No support by one partner
This is a problem that is faced more by women than men. When a partner getsno support from the other, then that could lead to cracks occurring in arelationship eventually leading to a breakup. It is very difficult for one partner tocarry on with his/her work, when the other partner is not co-operative. Everyoneexpects their better half to be their biggest support system and when there is avoid there, that may break the relationship.10. SelfishnessIf one partner is selfish it may lead to break up. Selfish attitude will always resultin one partner suffering in order to fulfill the other‘s needs and demands. Despiteeverything, the efforts are never recognized and demands keep increasing.Selfishness does not allow a person to love another apart from one‘s own self.This results in the couple breaking up and parting their ways. ***Chapter.3. Accept your faultsFocus in on the problems that caused theweakened your relationship, and think aboutwhat you can do to mend them
Many people have trouble being real with themselves and with others becausethey associate their mistakes and / or faults with guilt and or shame. They mayfeel that when they admit their mistakes that they are somehow less of a person,that they are inferior and lack worthiness. This could not be farther from the truth,but previous notations from within them may be causing this conflict. Forinstance, you may have come to feel as if you were not good enough by aparent, a spouse, or perhaps by some demeaning people, and those oldnegatives still come up and play a part in your life today.Admitting your mistakes or faults should actually be quite liberating for you.Because when you admit and accept your mistakes, blemishes, shortcomings,and faults you are no longer trying to live up to some unrealistic model ofperfection. Whew! What a relief! The battle of trying to be perfect is one you aregoing to lose. This does not mean that you lower your standards or that you actwith irresponsibility, it simply means that you accept the fact that you are going tomake mistakes. When you accept this truth you will stop being so hard onyourself, and by the way, stop having unrealistic expectations of others,(including your spouse). Furthermore, you will learn that by simply realizing yourinability to be perfect, that you can forgive yourself for those things that guilt istrying to hold you to in condemnation.Are you coming to a realization right now? Look, we all miss turns, so we makeu-turns! We have all split the milk, so we have all had to wipe it up. Not a singleperson on this planet is perfect, that includes your mother, father, boyfriend,spouse, and your boss. Why attempt to achieve that which is unobtainable? Youcant do it, quit beating yourself down because of your mistakes. So you forgot topay an important bill or you made a bad decision. Accept it and make efforts toimprove for the next time, but dont go around hanging your head low becauseyou fell short of perfection.Being accountable for your actions and taking responsibility is necessary, butwithin those aspects there are learning and growth processes. When you bumpyour head on the door hanging over you, you learn to watch out for brain bashingobstacles. You accept that you were not paying good attention; you make amental note, so that in the future you will avoid the same headaches. When youaccept your mistakes without guilt or shame, you allow growth increase, and youalleviate other possible headaches!We all miss the boat and end up on the train sometimes, but we keep moving inprogression. Life is a constant learning lesson, you know the saying "we learnfrom our mistakes", right? Well, everyone is going through similar processes inwhich life often hands us learning curves. Its how we react to those curves that
matter. When we stop trying to be perfect and take on humble attitudes ourmaturity expands. And, with this understanding we begin to look at othersdifferently as well. When we realize and accept that our companions are goingthrough similar processes, we will quit trying to hold them up to some level ofperfection in our own eyes.Your personal strengths are unique, just like your weaknesses. Other people inyour life, such as your spouse, will be strong in areas that you are not, and weakin areas that you are strong. You are meant to complement each other, not topick upon each other‘s weaknesses. This is not to say that there is somethingwrong with them pointing out those weaknesses, because we all have blind spotsin our rear view mirrors that block our insights that we need to know about. It issaying that you point out areas of weakness for growth advancement, and thenlove those people with their blemishes. Its not to pick on their blemishes as if youdo not have any.Addictions or poor behaviors do not make people invaluable or lowly; everybodyhas some sort of addiction of some kind. Addictions are those things in which aredone in repetitious manners. As a simple example, I drink fizzy drinks on aregular basis; that is one of my addictions. Since everyone has some sort ofaddiction it makes them normal, it does not make them low in character. Yes,there are some serious addictions that people need help with for their health andsafety, but that does not mean that they lack purpose or that they are unworthy inany way. God has a way of taking the most unlikely people, restoring them forHis good, and then elevating them to higher levels for the good of others.Every day you have the opportunity to cut yourself and others some slack. Whenyour spouse fumbles anything, reach down and pick it up for them. When yourealize that you have made an error in choosing between two priorities; orperhaps said something undesirable; you wish you could take your words back,accept it as a mistake, and make the most of it without feeling bad about it. Sure,apologize when necessary, you are likely to be accepted back with love andunderstanding when you do.A proverb goes, “He who covers and forgives an offense seeks love, but hewho repeats or haps on a matter separates even close friends”. Its prettyclear, isnt it? To love means to overlook mistakes and faults, we are supposed tohandle ―those‖ mistakes that others make, in a subtle manner; why are do we notdo the same for ourselves? It‘s because we are trying to live up to some illusionof perfection, even as we are knocking our toe on the door jam. Take a deepbreath, and when you let out all those things that you have been feeling ashamedof. You should free the guilt about those unintentional mistakes. Ask God and
your spouse for his/her forgiveness, even for intentional mistakes, and then bewilling to receive His grace and a happy little family. ***
Chapter. 4 Communicate effectively:Don’t lose your marblesTry to be rational, calm and clear
Try to be rational, calm and clear about your intentions to get them back, whileexplaining how you plan to change. You should not be intimidated or hesitant totalk about your relationship problems.Part of being a good father is not letting petty things get in the way of having anice day. Most divorced women polled say that "poor communication" was thecause of their divorce. Most divorced men dont mention communication at all.Many of the arguments that married people have are based entirely onmiscommunication. Those that arent based in it are very often escalated throughit. These are tough waters to navigate, so hold on tight, were sure to run intoovergeneralizations and unfair stereotypes ahead:This is a subject about which volumes of books have been written. And once in awhile they make best-seller list, aided by catchy titles, constant exposure ondaytime talk shows, great placement on supermarket shelves, and they generallymake a great gift that girls buy for that boyfriend who just doesnt understandthem. And yet, with all the talk out there, all the clichés about communicating inrelationships, this is something that we tend not to take seriously. Men have atendency to see women as irrational when it comes to things such ascommunication concerns, just like we think theyre being irrational with so manyother things. We have a word for it: hysterical.Hysterical literally means "acting like a woman."Men dont see communication problems most of the time. Communication for usis cut and tried. You have conversations about things when they are of concern,and if something isnt bothering you, then why the hell should you talk about it,right? But those times that we spend in quiet, comfortable thought are the sametimes that our wives tend to see us in deep concern, worry, even.Have you ever experienced this? You‘re driving in the car, minding your ownbusiness, perhaps looking at the scenery. Its a sunny day, so youre squinting.All of a sudden, out of the blue, your wife leans over and says, "Whats wrong?""Nothing.""Then what were you thinking about?""When?""Just now, when you were making that face."
"What face? Nothing. I wasnt thinking about anything."This happens to me all the time. What the man thinks hes doing in this case isclarifying his position. He simply wasnt thinking about anything. He was lookingaround, driving the car, and--he thought--spending time with his wife while doingthat.The wife sees a different story. Women tend to want conversation as a part ofcompanionship. The fact that you werent talking for a while suggests, to them,that something is on your mind. The fact that you were squinting is indicative ofthis, as well. And, to back up their theory that something is wrong, you werebeing defensive about your position when caught in the act of thinking aboutsomething "wrong" while driving and not interacting with your spouse.To men, this seems illogical. And it is. In the universe of our conversational style,it makes no sense. We wouldnt assume that our buddy was bothered by theworld if he wasnt talking. Theres a cliché of the "strong silent type" in male-domthat appeals to us. He doesnt have to say much. But women needcompanionship from their husbands and to them talking is a very big part of it. Itdoesnt have to be deep conversation; it doesnt have to be conversation that hasa purpose such as solving a problem or weeding out solutions or politicalanalysis. Its an act of involvement to talk about things and its something we tendto forget.This leads down a slippery slope. If a concern is raised over a conversation, suchas the above mentioned car issue, men tend to brush it off as not being a bigdeal. We tend to think, "well, shell get over it; it aint no thing." But to a woman,this is indeed a big deal. Theres a problem and its not being talked about. It is,in fact being avoided by the man. While we think discussing it is "blowing it out ofproportion" or "making a big deal," they see it as something healthy, as discourseleading to getting the problem out of the way.We just dont see it as a problem, and that is a tough bridge to cross.Here are some ways that you can side-step these pitfalls in everyday life and inthe middle of arguments. They are not tricks, but movements of empathy thatshould be made with absolute sincerity:
Ask her how her day was when you (or she) get(s) home. We tend to feelwelcome to bitch, complain, or gloat over our day; women see the invitation as anote of interest and a welcome one.Be willing to talk things out. We tend to feel that if things need to be talked about,there is a problem. Women feel if we can talk things out, there are no problems.Be calm, collected, and dont lose your temper in what can often feel accusatory.Verbally notice her. Did she change her hair? New shoes? Clean the kitchen?Dont just note these things mentally. Thats what we do when were at work orwith our friends, but our wife is not our job or our friend. Verbally pointing outobservations is caring.Dont use exclusive and self-oriented language. Dont say "Im going to bed earlytonight." Or "I want to go for a drive." Instead, make these things sound likeinvitations. "Do you want to," or "What do you think about," work much better. Wefeel free to invite ourselves no matter what the language. But its these littlenuances that women notice in groups of other women and are trained to notice inour words.Dont be quiet for too long. It sounds stupid to us at times, but just say somethingif you notice things have been quiet. Car rides seems especially dangerous forthis. We feel like proximity means closeness, but this often isnt the case forwomen. For many women a lot of the time, the conversation means time spenttogether, not the placement of your bodies.In an argument, dont say "Youre acting crazy." Dont say anything that suggeststhat they have no ownership of the feelings theyre going through. Regardless ifshe is reading the situation wrong or not, she has legitimate feelings. Recognizeand understand what they are and where they are coming from.Empathize during arguments. Dont just defend your point of view. And dontbelittle her. Take a moment to step back and really try and see how she seesthings. You could be wrong about what she feels is the problem. This is veryoften true, and you can spend hours arguing about different subjects. So take amoment to clarify what you think youre fighting about. Paraphrase, in your ownwords, why you think shes upset. Reach her on that level and get it right--withcoaching if needed. Then, invite her to see things your way. You are not thesame people and you have divergent takes on the same situation. Often, all thatis needed is an understanding of the contrary point of view to make things better.Of course, this is all generalizing. I dont want readers to think that Im beingunfair or demeaning of either sex. Growing up in different social situations with
different social expectations has made us talk in different ways. Remember thatyour wife is not trying to communicate like a man but failing--shes trying to talk toyou in the way that she knows how. That can be very strange for us, believe me.Most of all, talk about conversations. Talk about talking. Theres nothing wrongwith trying to grasp the other point of view, no matter what the situation. ***
Your love will be more willing to make things work with you if you are the first toapologize for the failure of your relationship, but do not apologize when you arenot being genuine.―I‘m sorry!‖ two simple words and yet two of the hardest to say. We easily utterthem in response to trivial matters like accidentally jostling a stranger on thesubway or giving the cashier the wrong change. Yet in important matters and tothose who mean the most to us, we can find ourselves practically choking on thewords. But the inability to apologize can critically wound all of our relationships,from home to work. Learning how to properly apologize is a necessary step inmoving from boy to man.Why We Don’t ApologizePride Apologizing can be particularly hard for men because it involves theadmittance of fault. It‘s hard to say that we messed up. That we were wrong. Ourpride gets in the way.Embarrassment If we messed up royally, doing something truly boneheadedeven though we knew better, it can be difficult to talk about it to the person wehurt or let down. We feel stupid and would rather pretend like it didn‘t happen.Anger Things that need apologizing for are rarely a one way street (more on thislater). We probably did something wrong, but the other person probably did too.And sometimes our anger over how they offended us is so great that we justifywhat we did and can‘t get past it to apologize.The antidote to all 3 obstacles: Humility. The reason we put up these walls isthat we have an overinflated view of our true selves. We‘re always right; wealways have it together. But it isn‘t true. We‘re human. We mess up sometimes.You have to accept your imperfection as a part of life. Suppressing it will cut youoff from others. Embracing it will allow you to grow as a man.When to ApologizeEven when it’s not fully your fault There is a breed of man who will notapologize unless he feels 100% at fault for something. ―But it‘s not my fault!‖ ishis battle cry. He‘s not at fault for throwing away an important document at workbecause no one specifically told him to hold onto it. He‘s not at fault for hurtinghis girlfriend‘s feelings because she shouldn‘t have been listening to hisconversation with his friends.
But almost no situation is 100% one person‘s fault. If your wife flew off the handleand called you some cutting things for seemingly no reason, it‘s not becauseshe‘s just an ice princess; she‘s hurt because you‘ve been working 80 hourweeks and not spending enough time with her.Even if the fault split is something like 1%/99%, you still need to work hard tohumble yourself and come to an understanding of what that 1% is rooted in.Don‘t live your life as though every day you‘re pleading your case before animaginary court, presenting evidence for why you are not at fault and areinnocent as charged. It‘s not as important to be right as it is to have healthyrelationships with others. Would you rather be right than give up your relationshipwith someone? Would you rather be right than lift the hurt feelings from another?Being self-satisfied in your justice offers little benefit but the feeling of smugness.And smugness won‘t keep you warm at night.You don‘t have to apologize for what truly wasn‘t your fault, but you can find thethings, no matter how small, that you could have handled better. Once youapologize for those things that will get the ball rolling for the other person to ownup to their mistakes. Don‘t let pride stop you from being the bigger person andtaking the initiative.Even when you haven’t been caught As a boy, did you ever break somethingand then run away, hoping that no one would notice, and that if they did, theywouldn‘t connect the crime back to you? This is how a child handles hismistakes. A man owns up to his mistakes and offenses whether or not he thinkshe will be held accountable.Quickly apologize as soon as you can after making a mistake or committing anoffense. The longer you wait, the more resentment is going to build up on bothsides, the harder it will be to make the first move, and the more awkward thesituation will become. Be a man and nip it in the bud.When Not to ApologizeFor your beliefs If you offend someone by standing up for your beliefs becauseyou failed to debate like a gentleman and ended up being snarky, attacking theperson personally, or generally acting like an ass, then you should apologize foryour boorish behavior. However, if you‘ve made a completely respectfulargument in favor of your position and a person is simply offended because ofthe nature of your beliefs, then you should never apologize for that. Don‘t besorry for what you hold near and dear to your heart.
For not meeting unreasonable expectations You know this guy. His girlfriendexpects him to kowtow to her every wish and treat her like a princess 24/7. Whenhe fails to do this, she expects him to grovel in repentance. This isn‘t beingsensitive, it‘s being a whipped weenie.For everything This man apologizes for his appearance, for things that aren‘t hisfault that no one is saying are his fault, and for perceived shortcomings that noone notices until he brings them up. And he keeps on apologizing. Over and overagain, when everyone else has moved on. Being a compulsive apologizer ishighly emasculating and instead of getting you into people‘s good graces as youmight assume, will simply erode their respect for you.How to ApologizeWrite it if you can’t say itSometimes our embarrassment or pride prevents us from going in person toapologize to someone. While a face to face apology is always ideal, if youabsolutely can‘t do it, then it‘s better to get it out then not do it at all. Andsometimes a letter or note is actually a superior medium to talking because itallows you to express all of your feelings without forgetting what you want to sayor running the risk of setting off another argument.Use humor when appropriate Some self-deprecating humor can break thetension and cause you both to laugh. I‘ve found that drawing little cartoons of meand my mishap can instantly dissipate my wife‘s anger. Note that I said, whenappropriate. If you cheated on your girlfriend, don‘t crack jokes or make cartoonsabout it. ―And see in this panel, that‘s me making out with your best friend.‖Be sincere This is the cardinal rule of apologies. An insincere apology is in someways worse than no apology at all. The person‘s hurt over your offense willmerely be compounded by their anger at your hypocrisy. An insincere apologymay take the form of saying you‘re sorry but saying it in such a way that your lackof contrition is patently manifest. Another form is the famous ―I‘m sorry you‘resorry‖ apology. This apology admits no fault but pretends like saying you‘re sorrythat the person was hurt or is angry is still pretty big of you. Don‘t bother; it willmake the person want to stab you with a trident.Take complete responsibility Never, ever make any excuses while you‘reapologizing. They instantly ruin the weight and sincerity of your confession. Don‘tuse any ―buts.‖ As in ―I‘m really sorry that happened, but….‖ A man takes fullresponsibility for his mistakes.
Express your understanding of why you were wrong and the weight of yourmistake A person wants to know that you fully understand the seriousness of thesituation, which you have thought through exactly why what you did was wrongand the full consequences of your actions. Nobody wants to hear an apologyfrom someone who clearly doesn‘t know why they‘re in the wrong but feels likeapologizing is what they‘re ―supposed‖ to do.Offer to make restitution. This is a key part of the apology process. You shouldalmost always offer to try in any way you can to make up for your misdeed. Thisobviously isn‘t always possible. If you break your wife‘s 5th generation familyheirloom vase, you can‘t go to Target and buy a replacement. But if a situationcan be fixed and rectified, then you should pledge to do whatever it takes to doso.Pledge better behavior in the future Notice that I said pledge and not promise.While some would argue that if you‘re really sorry, you‘ll never make the samemistake again, our failings as human beings dictates otherwise. I might be trulysorry for losing my temper on someone, but I‘m pretty sure that no matter howhard I try, it‘s probably going to happen again somewhere down the line. Whenyou promise someone that something is never going to happen again, you‘resetting yourself up for a huge rift to develop if it does. The person will bejustifiably doubly hurt, because after all, ―You promised!‖ There are of coursesome things that you can be almost 100% sure you‘ll never do again, and if youfeel absolutely confident in that, then make a promise. But generally you shouldsimply pledge that you‘re going to be working hard on fixing whatever personalityor behavioral faults led to your current offense. You can promise that you‘regoing to be making an effort to change and turn things around.Prove your contrition with your actions. In the end, words will matter very littleif your actions don‘t match them. After you‘ve apologized, stop dwelling on it.Simply start acting in a way that demonstrates the sincerity of your apology.Move on. Once you‘ve given your sincere apology, don‘t apologize again.Having you continually apologize may be what the offended party thinks theywant from you and it may make them feel better in the short term. But in the longterm, it‘s going to ruin the relationship. If you continue to grovel then you‘ll alwaysbe in the inferior position instead of having the person treat you like an equal.Deep down, they won‘t be respecting you as a man. Either the person acceptsyour apology or they don‘t. If they do, then there‘s no need to keep groveling. Ifthey don‘t, then the person doesn‘t trust you and the relationship has otherproblems that need to be fixed.
Chapter.6 The best medicine: SoftnessIdentify together what you feelIdentify together what you feel were the major problems in the relationship andcome up with plans, compromises or commitments to rectify them. If your ex
does not want to talk to you, do not try to push them into it or they may feeldefensive or uncomfortable and will not open up to you.Gentleness isn’t for wimpsDuring my dating years, I heard a husband respond to his wife in such a gentleand humorous way that it didn‘t even appear he had corrected her at all.―Honey,‖ his wife had said, ―I need you to pick up our neighbors‘ newspaper forthe next four days, which I told them I would do.‖With a slight smile and a warm tone, the man said to her at the crowded dinnertable, ―Sweetie, I think that people who make commitments should keep theircommitments.‖He held eye contact with her, his warm smile lingered and everyone at the tablesmiled as well, including his sprightly wife. With the added lubricant of humour,this wise and gentle man spoke the truth but said it kindly.He could have lashed out with his tongue and pronounced the hard truth to her,as so many newlyweds do. He could have talked about her being unreliable,about how she had done this to him before. (She had.) Instead, he spoke thetruth with an appealing tone and a dollop of winsome wit.Powerful wordsHis response corrects a common misconception about the art and practice ofmarital gentleness, which many people think means caving in to a spouse‘sdemands. True gentleness is powerful – the kind of power that is respectful yetfree to disagree. It does not return an insult for an insult but speaks the trutheven if it‘s unpleasant.Gentle spouses express their will, but they don‘t force it upon others. Instead ofyelling, ―I‘m sick and tired of your making commitments that you expect me tokeep,‖ a gentle spouse appeals to decency and fair play.But to some of us, gentleness is a foreign language. We didn‘t grow up hearing it,so we don‘t speak it in marriage. Nowhere is this deficiency more evident thanwhen discussing important marital matters.Tread lightlyHow a conversation begins often determines whether it will succeed or fail.Gentle conversation starters help us resolve our problems without hurting ourspouse:
―What I‘m about to say may be difficult for us to talk about, but we need tobecause it‘s important.‖―I know that you see things differently than I do, but I‘d like to try finding somecommon ground.‖―This isn‘t going to be easy for me to talk about, so if I don‘t get my words right,please give me a chance to do so.‖The choiceSometimes love means causing discomfort for the health of your marriage. Buteven during these tense moments, we have a choice: We can be honest withoutbeing gentle, which is like performing surgery without anesthesia – it gets the jobdone, but it causes unnecessary pain and brooding resentment. Or, we can betruthful and tender, which protects our spouse‘s dignity and preserves maritalintimacy.Gentleness in marriage is much like a flexible but powerful backbone; it supportsthe entire skeleton exactly because it is not too rigid. Everyone loves a gentlespouse because he speaks and acts with such strength that he does not feel theneed to yell. Or whimper.Throw in some light humor, and you may leave others with an example of maritalgentleness that will last a lifetime.When men hear or read about the virtue of gentleness, they often substitute thisvirtue with the vice of niceness. This is especially the case for younger Christianmen, and the results can be deadly when it comes to love, marriage andfatherhood.What does true gentleness look like? Genuine gentleness brings needed forceinto a situation or relationship, but it is a force that is moderate and kind in itspresentation. Gentleness is respectful, but respectful enough to be truthful and atthe same time gracious.Niceness is often disguised as gentleness, but you can see the difference if youlook closely. Mere "niceness" brings no redemptive power to a matter at hand,whether with a spouse, co-worker, or obnoxious coach who belittles andexasperates a child. Men who focus on niceness try hard to fulfill thisrequirement but in many situations fail since a fathers lack of power frustratesand angers his children. Nice men also fail to stop other fathers fromexasperating their children because correcting another, may seem, well, not verynice. In many ways, the unstated goal of niceness is to say or do something
without saying or doing anything truly meaningful. It favors manners over truth. Niceness is the drowning of force, the unwilling to use any. It is the state of being that has been defined for ages as "weak." The understanding that a gentle man still wields force - albeit moderately - and with it power, is an eye-opening revelation to many When is it okay to be persuasive? Learning to use the appropriate amount of force in any given situation takes time and a cultivation of virtue. Yes, the moderate use of force for redemptive purposes is a virtue, but one should also understand that it can also be a vice. Some situations in life demand setting aside even gentleness, requiring more than moderate levels of force. For example, a police officer who only uses moderate force may be a dangerous imposter when greater force is necessary to ensure peace and protection. By the way, if you trace the origin of the word virtue, as Dr. Henry Cloud has in his beneficial work Integrity, youll see that one of its meanings is "force." Virtue brings energy and force to a situation. Niceness refuses the task, usually because of fear of rejection. A mans need to cultivate virtue brings us to another point: If the goal of Christian life is to imitate Jesus, then its important we have an accurate picture of Jesus. Its important we knock down, whenever possible, the anti-biblical and false idol of Pleasant and Mild Jesus, who we foolishly try to emulate. True, Jesus was gentle. But he was not always gentle, thank God. Moderate force cannot save us from wickedness, evil, addictions, the devious plans of others, or our own convenient rationalizations that bring numbing comfort but not true security. Sometimes the best thing a good person, or God, can do for us is to give the gift of desperation--something gentleness is ill-equipped to perform and something niceness never does. I receive many letters from wives explaining how heroic theyve behaved in order to help their husbands be more involved, connected, and protective of their families. Yet no change has occurred. Sometimes the gift of desperation is the only option that works. Communication is the key to any relationship and marriage is definitely a relationship. Communication must be cultivated and consistently and consciously worked on. 15 Ways to Communicate Effectively with Your Spouse1. Listen attentively while your spouse is speaking, rather than concentrating on what you are going to say in response. This way, you can hear what your spouse
is really saying. You may be also able to hear what your spouse is not saying, as well as what he is.2. Learn to speak the same things (for example, you want to live debt free or have a happy, fulfilling marriage). If you are speaking the same things, you are in agreement. The scriptures ask, ―Can two walk together unless they are in agreement?‖ The answer is no. Therefore, agreement is very important in a marriage.3. Make eye-to-eye contact when you are speaking. Eyes will reveal anger, pain, sickness, and so on. Eye-to-eye contact also creates a connection between you and your spouse.4. Think before you speak, thereby giving yourself time to speak your words with love. People are easily offended. Once anger or offense enters the conversation, the person who is offended stops listening and goes on the defensive. So think carefully before you speak.5. Pray together. Again, this brings agreement, but more importantly, brings God into the conversation.6. Dream together and write a vision. Understanding the purpose for your marriage should drive you and your spouse to accomplish God‘s will for your life. Whether His reason is for you to raise your children a certain way, to start a business, to start a non-profit organization, to start a prayer meeting in your community, or to sing, every couple has a purpose.7. Know your spouse and why she does what she does (for example, is it based on her upbringing? military background? being from a single-parent home? growing up poor?). Knowing this will help you to communicate more effectively. For example, if your spouse grew up poor, then you can understand why she responds a certain way when you spend a lot of money. Because of your spouse‘s past, she might be used to people telling her to not spend as much or feelings of poverty may rear their ugly head.8. Communicate with your spouse—he is not a mind reader. You must communicate your wants and desires.9. Know what your spouse expects from you (such as dinner every night, or a phone call to let her know you are okay). You have been with your spouse long enough to know what she expects. 10. Understand what your mate is trying to say. Men are definitely from Mars and women are different from Venus. We can speak the same things, but in
different ways. Understanding your spouse‘s background and gender, andknowing his heart, will help you to decipher what he is really trying to say. Forexample, your spouse may have a hard time expressing love verbally but may beable to express it physically; giving you hugs or kisses that say, ―I love you.‖11. Forgive one another. Every marriage, including yours, will get to a point atwhich your spouse will do something to hurt you. At the end of that day, make upin your mind to forgive your spouse. If you don‘t, that unforgiveness will grow dayby day until your heart is hardened or your ears get dull and you no longer wantto hear what he has to say. Those are walls that start the separation process.Don‘t let that happen. Forgive and move on. God says that He gives us newmercies every day; therefore, because He has given freely, you should givefreely, too.12. Complement and say “I love you” and ―I appreciate you‖ often. By doingthis every day, this is something that can keep a marriage peaceful and strong.13. Know the best time to talk with your mate. If your spouse is not a morningperson, 7 AM is not the best time to have a serious conversation. If your spouseneeds an hour after work to relax, wait to have that heart-to-heart.14. Conduct family meetings regularly. This allows you to discuss what‘sgoing on with the children, plan dates and vacations, agree about largepurchases, and other important matters.15. Control your emotions. Keep your mouth shut! DO NOT discuss issueswhen either of you is upset. If your spouse is trying to discuss a matter whileangry, find a way to let her cool off first. For example, excuse yourself to thebathroom and go pray. If you are the one who is upset, definitely pray first andwait until you are able to speak nicely.Ways to Practice Gentleness in MarriageElephants are strong yet gentle. It‘s a unique combination. Maybe that‘s why weadmire them so. For centuries, elephants have been used to carry large, heavyitems, even uprooting trees. Watching them work might scare some people. But ifthey are tamed at a young age, they tend to remain gentle giants.It can be the same in marriage.In a healthy marriage, both husband and wife need to feel free to express what‘son their mind. However, neither spouse would ever force their will upon the other.It‘s the perfect combination of love and respect.
Unfortunately, for some people this is a foreign concept. It‘s like speaking adifferent language. If they didn‘t experience it growing up – quite likely theyexperienced the opposite – then they don‘t know how to be gentle in theirmarriage. Worse yet, such problems tend to only show themselves when majormarital issues arise.So what can a married couple do?They can start by understanding the value of gentleness?The Value of GentlenessAs a differentiating value, Gentleness means even-tempered; considerate;honorable, strength under control.The last part, strength under control, can have the greatest impact in a marriage.Learning to control one‘s actions, words, and even thoughts is the beginning ofreal strength.How often does one ―bite their tongue‖ and say nothing to their spouse about anissue. But then they go to work or visit friends and blab all their negative feelingsabout their spouse. Where is the strength in that? There is nothing honorable orconsiderate about tearing down your spouse in front of others.Does this means one must just ―grin and bear it?‖ No. That‘s neither healthy norsustainable.To create a healthy, strong marriage, practicing the value of gentleness mightjust be the perfect fitness program.The 10 Commandments of being gentleGentleness can be found in many forms. It‘s quiet, but strong.Here are 10 ways it can be practiced in marriage.Gentleness is choosing to address difficult issues during the day instead of atnight.Gentleness is honoring the free will of your spouse, but does not join in just toplacate them.
Gentleness is speaking the truth in love. It shines a light on a tender issue whilemaintaining respect.Gentleness is remaining even-tempered during a crisis, yet staying alert forpossible dangers.Gentleness is offering a hug when your spouse messes up, and saying nothing.Gentleness uses light humor to diffuse tense moments.Gentleness protects vulnerable spots but addresses the hurt that needs healing.Gentleness never needs to yell, and never cowers or whimpers.Gentleness takes its time to consider all the facts, but is quick to ask forforgiveness.Gentleness remains ever present, even if it‘s never acknowledged.As one of the nine ‗fruits of the spirit‘ (Galatians 5:22-23), gentleness isfrequently skipped over as a weak value. Being gentle is often equated to ‗givingin‘ or simply ‗being nice.‘ True gentleness couldn‘t be further from the truth. Toshow one‘s strength while keeping it under control requires mastery. It needs tobe practiced. ***
Chapter. 7 Being positive You can do everything you want to
If you are willing to try to make the relationship work again, go back into it withoutresentment or anger. Believe that the relationship will work out and stay upbeatabout resolving problems in the future.When everything is wrong and you just want to cry all night, thats when youknow you need to get over that ex. Everyone experiences heartbreaks, but beingstrong about it is another thing. Dont let your ex see you weak.How to stop thinking about your ex?1. Never ever run back to them or call them all the time. You can just neverlet go of that special guy/girl that taught you how to love. When you guys breakup, then it happens for a reason. Dont keep calling him/her and talking to themlike nothing happened or try to make them love you again. Its not going to workout. Itll just make you seem weak and clingy.2. Forgive and forget. Let things go and remain cool. Dont let your ex see youmiserable without them; itll just give them the satisfaction and an ego boost.3. It’s okay to cry at night. For the first few weeks, its going to be a longand lonely journey. So its OK to cry. Cry your heart out for the matter of fact. Youare going to stop crying in the end because youll get sick of it and realize that itsa temporary phase. Listen to sad love songs. Itll make you feel better and youllrealize that you can relate to them even more after a breakup. Get it all outand then deal with it.4. Remain positive. Just because he/she broke up with you or doesnt want youback doesnt mean that youre "worthless". There are plenty of other people whowant you and would be willing to treat you even better than yourex. Smile and laugh. Surround yourself with friends and people who care. Notonly will you feel better, your ex will notice how happy you are and maybe regretrejecting you.5. Lift your head up high and move on. Dont let one relationship drag youdown even though it was the best one you ever had. There will be plenty moreand its his/her loss. You are too good for them anyway. Tell yourself that. Tellyourself that you need someone who will treat you right. Just be strong andforget about your boyfriend.6. Dont try to fling or have special relationships with your ex. It never endsup right when you just go back into that cycle. Yes, "that" cycle. Where you guys
break up then make up then act all cute and happy but in the end, youll just beheartbroken and cry. Yes ... that cycle. Relationships end for many reasons.7. Consult a friend if you feel lame or played. When your ex plays around withyour heart when he/she knows that you still want them, thats when you definitelyknow that he/she is not for you. Its OK to feel this way, completely normal. Donthold your feelings in, talk to a friend and cry. Let them comfort you and letyourself vent your feelings. Youll definitely feel better.8. Shop, exercise and socialize. Itll make you feel better to buy new outfits soyou can look even more attractive. Not only will it boost your confidence, it willalso boost your self-esteem. Looking good will make you feel good. Exercise isalso a good way to vent your frustration and pain. Socializing with others wouldkeep you distracted from your ex, bolster your self-esteem, and help you get overyour ex. When you are occupied with other people, youll think, "Hey! Beingsingle isnt bad. I get to make new friends and have more time tomyself". Flirt and mingle!9. Whenever you miss him/her try to engage yourself or take a nap itrefreshes your mind Scientists who study the brain have found that differentthoughts and feelings create specific chemical reactions in the brain, and that themore these reactions happen the more the brain becomes "wired" to think andfeel that way. In other words, if you obsess about the negative thoughts andfeelings related to a breakup, they can literally take over your brain10. Don’t try to work things out with your ex you will just make them think thatyou still want them and that they have your heart.11. Its OK to start liking other people after a couple a months, meaning youcan’t wait for your ex forever. Recover and then get out there again.12. Give it time I know you are heartbroken now but just wait and you willrecover be happy and youll see you forget about your ex. A lot of peoplewonder how to start feeling better when they cant stop thinking about a breakup.Some have even used the word "obsessed" to describe the way a breakupdominates their thoughts..
So how do you stop negative post-breakup thoughts and feelings from runningyour life? The key is striking a balance between proactively dealing with themand distracting yourself from them.The first is necessary because if you dont deal with the breakup it will likely finda home in the back of your mind and sit, stubbornly festering away.Distracting yourself is crucial as well. Lets go back to the brain for a minute:positive thoughts have their own chemical reactions, just like negative ones. Thatmeans that just as your brain can become wired to think negatively, it canbecome wired to think positively.Now, lets talk about an action plan:Dealing proactively with negative thoughts and feelingsIf you find yourself simply thinking about aspects of the breakup that depressyou, and those thoughts are running the same circles in your head, do somethingactive with them - write or talk them out. Write in a journal, talk to a friend, familymember, support group or therapist. The point is to do something with thethoughts rather than just thinking them.Distracting yourself from negative thoughts and feelingsAfter you give these thoughts and feelings some attention in the ways listedabove, work on focusing on anything that distracts you in a positive way. Watch afunny TV show or movie; read a good book or a fun magazine; use guidedmeditation recordings; spend time with friends and talk about jobs, family, orgoals; make lists of things you want to accomplish that day, that week, thatmonth, or that year; take a brisk walk or go to a yoga class; clean out a closet.The key is to do something that will help you feel amused, relaxed, loved,energized or accomplished - all of which will create positive chemistry in yourbrain.If at the end of the day you find yourself alone with those sad thoughts andfeelings again (which is likely), try simply accepting them. Remind yourself thatyoud have to be superhuman to not feel sadness after heartbreak. Congratulateyourself for making a real effort throughout the day to deal with and distract youfrom the sadness. Think about your support system. Remember that tomorrow isa new day.
***Chapter.8 The L-Factor: Being loyal toyourself, means you’re loyal to arelationshipLoyalty is everything in a relationship
If you believe in yourself and do not deviate from your promises, you will giveyour ex the impression that you certainly know what you want out of yourrelationships and your life. Your confidence will express that you are sure in yourability to change and be a better partner.Relationships are core to human life. Human being is a social animal andrelationships form an integral part of it. However the same relationship exposeshuman being to many forms of insecurities that have the potential to disturb thesense and take the peace out of mind. We embrace the relationship with somehope and expectations but what if it hurts more than smoothens out life. It is inthis need that we look for loyalty in relationships. The loyal that make us feelsecure and give the peace of mind. If you are secured in your relationships, youcan take the world with much strength and courage.Loyalty in relationship is a much sought after factor. It is much needed anddesired. It is the single most factors that let us first fall in relationship itself. Everyrelationship has expectations and loyalty forms the foundation of it. It is in itsinherent nature of Loyalty lies a bonding that keeps the core of humanrelationship intact. Loyalty in relationship comprises 5 keys or virtues that formthe very nature of it. This can relate to any relation like marriage, friendship, loveetc. Let‘s go through these keys and see how they shape Loyalty1) Commitment- Loyalty demands a commitment, a promise that lay thefoundation of it. It is unquestionable unsaid virtue that cherishes the relationshipfrom the roots. Two people committed to relationship define the essence ofrelationship in itself and needs no words to relate it further.2) Dedication- Loyalty demands a dedication to the relationship. It goes far inprioritizing the focus and channelizing the energy on particular direction.Dedication forms the core of loyalty in relationship in terms of making it visibleand appreciating the very aspect of it.3) Faith- Loyalty is virtue that inspires faith. Faith in a relationship itselfanswers all the questions about the value of a relationship in a person‘s life. Faith
nurtures love and provides the solutions to tough situations. Developing a faith,as part of relationship, leads to you to strengthen your character and follow thepath of loyalty. It is the virtue of faith that helps us pick the right ignoring the onesthat make us deviate from the path of righteous.4) Trust-Trust is integral part of loyalty in relationship. It makes you confidentthat the right thing would prevail without you having to influence it from your end.Trust is belief that clears many riddles and negates the need to put time andeffort in things that are seemingly worthless5) Keeping Other over Self- Loyalty in relationship makes you put other overself. The decision, direction and the move is made keeping the other person inmind. The other becomes an integral part of your lives and you strive selflessly tomake the relationship successful. It is an important key that promotes love,respect, and belongingness.Human life is all about choices. There are always phases in our life that presentus with choices that we need to take for a happy and successful life. Loyalty inrelationship is definitely one of those decisions that make us successful in everysphere of life. After all a peaceful mind can take the world by its horns and faceany challenges in lifeLife is made of pieces put together by our emotions and bound by love and care.Loyalty in relationship keeps this intact and enforces it with more strength. Thereare things that are larger than life and loyalty in relationship is one of those. It is acore of interaction and the virtue cement relationship to make it more cohesive.Make Loyalty a part of your personality and reap the benefits of love andhappiness. ***
Chapter.9 Forget the pastDon’t cling to the past
It is important for a couple to put history behind them. If you want a relationship toblossom, you need to exactly discard all the feelings you have been clinging on to.Once you let go of this load, life will be a lot easier. Here‘s why you need to put the pastbehind you: 1. Prepare to face the challenges A past left unresolved will continue to haunt you if you dont address the underlying sorrow, pain and anger. You may not want to revisit aspects of what happened in the past but if you dont, you allow the part of your mind that conceals and glosses over hurts to dominate. And instead of fully comprehending what happened and learning from it, you live in the grip of the past subconsciously and let it eat away at you. If you cannot take a clear view of the past by self assessment, seek professional therapeutic assistance to guide you. 2. Accept that you cannot change what happened But, still remember you CAN change your past. You can‘t change it physically but you can change it mentally. It is not possible to rewrite the facts of what you experienced and went through. But it is possible to rewrite the way you perceive it and handle it from now onward. If you dont, your hurt self will carry over this emotional pain into all new experiences and relationships, possibly poisoning them and dooming them to failure without any conscious desire on your behalf. 3. Dont believe anything someone said to hurt you Abusers, from the mildest situational bully like an obnoxious supervisor to a bone-breaking abusive parent, do not want you to think well of yourself or question their unjust authority. If they say youre too independent, thats because they wanted you to be dependent of their opinion over your own. If they say youre too sensitive, it means you still have the capacity to feel if its true or enough self respect to reject an insult. If they say youre too cold, its because youre not gullible enough to fall for their excuses. Compare their insults to what people who like you and hold a high opinion say about you. When both groups agree, its probably true about you but that doesnt always make it bad. This kind of sorting can take some time and introspection. Its deep healing. Start it by making a list of the things you like about yourself, to separate your feelings from your detractors. You may find some traits on both lists; accept them as part of yourself. You may find some of their insults are just flat lies. Its common for bullies and abusers to lie to keep people emotionally dependent on their good opinion. Often they project their flaws, which you might not share. A personal journal is good for this, followed by
discussing your observations with a trusted friend or therapist who has a high opinion of you.4. Be grateful for friends who support you and will always be there for you Dont upset yourself by thinking about people who did not respect and appreciate you.5. Let go. Acknowledge that youre living in real time carrying the baggage of old time. And then let go of it. Are you playing out a past habit in a current relationship? Does your fear of anger, loss, raised voice, silence etc. now set the tone for how you relate to others? This requires careful consideration to untwist the tendrils of who you really are and what experiences from childhood onward shaped how you react to situations. Most of us feel a deep inner core of who we are at our best. And we are all capable of separating the emotional triggers from the solid core of self if we sit still long enough to tease apart that what triggers our habitual behavior and seek that which is truly what we believe ourselves capable of being.6. Remove the past from your future This simply means that you must learn to stop letting past experience controlling you. This happens when you have a bad experience and you let it continue. In this case, instead of thinking positively and remembering the means by which you ultimately overcame prior negative challenges, your immediate, habitual reaction is to transfer the bad outcomes from that former experience to a current situation, assuming the worse case scenario for your current experience, with full-blown expectations that things will only be bad. And with that come the habitual reactions, on cue, rather than a series of chosen proactive actions defined by you as the person you are now.7. Create a positive future Combine the knowledge that you cannot change the past with the knowledge that you cannot predict the future but you can make sure that the person you are right now is strong, whole and healthy emotionally, so that any future negative scenarios are something the person you are now can definitely cope with, no matter what gets thrown at you. This is really about taking responsibility for yourself and how you react. Once you have faced the challenges from your past and accept that while you cannot change the past, you can cease to let it be role-played out every time a new challenge arises, you are beginning to remove the fear of more bad things happening as directed by your past experiences. Instead, you now learn to embrace the reality that the future is as yet unwritten and if you want it to be a positive and strong experience, the power lies within you to achieve this.
8. Take it slowly but surely No overnight transformation will occur when you are trying to move yourself through past habits. It all takes time and you will only achieve the best and soundest results by allowing yourself the time and space to move on. However, there are some simple and practical things that can help you to leave the past behind and, while largely symbolic, key into the mind-body connection aspect of our humanity and assist with your thinking processes:9. Get over the guilt or pain Decide whether this box should be tossed or stored. Either way, you are coming to a conclusion about its contents that they can no longer influence you. If it is a failed relationship or experience, it is often better to forget and leave the memories to a reclusive spot in your mind. If it contains memorabilia of a lost loved one, you may feel more comfortable cruising and putting it aside, knowing you are doing this as the beginning of a journey forward. Pen down your feelings, write a letter to a person or people in the past that hurt you or write poetry or prose. Anything that allows you an outlet and no matter how horrendous it may sound let it out. You should not keep this writing - it is simply a way to open up the emotional backlog and let out repressed feelings as best you can. Revisit those places where you felt pain and hurt. Go back and realize the power you have personally to not let that place get to you. This can be an overwhelming experience, however, depending on what happened. For example, survivors of concentration camps or sexual abuse are less likely to face the place where bad things happened than someone who had a romantic experience somewhere but since broke up. Gauge for yourself how ready you are to take what may be a giant leap and take a buddy for support if needed.10. Avoid making rash decisions While youre going through the healing process to strengthen your ability to deal with the past in a reasoned and distanced manner, keep aware of the triggers that will send you back to past habits. Actively aim to put a hold on habitual reactions and challenge yourself to do things differently, while at the same time accepting why you need to do this. This also means avoiding making decisions in haste that you may regret later, such as cutting off all ties with somebody in your family, or sending notes filled with vitriol to people, or quitting from something you have been doing. While ultimately some of these outcomes might end up being the path you take after reasoning it with great care, initially this exercise is about strengthening yourself
to make. Prepare to face the challenges. A past left unresolved will continue tohaunt you if you dont address the underlying sorrow, pain and anger. You maynot want to revisit aspects of what happened in the past but if you dont, youallow the part of your mind that conceals and glosses over hurts to dominate.And instead of fully comprehending what happened and learning from it, you livein the grip of the past subconsciously and let it eat away at you.Make calm and enlightened decisions rather than making merry with curses andburning your bridges with no care for tomorrow. You do care about tomorrow - aresponsible, thoughtful, and clear future that is free of being controlled by pasthabit.Here are some quotes from our ancestors. Heck, it happened back then too!Philippians 3:13Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do:forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,Philippians 3:13Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do:forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press ontoward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.Isaiah 43:18-19―Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I amdoing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a wayin the wilderness and rivers in the desert.2 Corinthians 5:17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away;behold, the new has come.Matthew 6:25―Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or whatyou will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more thanfood, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neithersow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add
a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing?Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tellyou, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ...John 1:9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanseus from all unrighteousness.EphesiansLet all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away fromyou, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving oneanother, as God in Christ forgave you.Isaiah 43:25 ―I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will notremember your sins.Romans 8:1There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.Galatians 2:20I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives inme. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who lovedme and gave himself for me.Hebrews 11:6And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near toGod must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.Philippians 4:1-23Therefore, my brothers, whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, stand firmthus in the Lord, my beloved. I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche to agree inthe Lord. Yes, I ask you also, true companion, help these women, who havelabored side by side with me in the gospel together with Clement and the rest ofmy fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life. Rejoice in the Lordalways; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.The Lord is at hand; ...Ephesians 2:10
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which Godprepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.Philippians 3:15Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you thinkotherwise, God will reveal that also to you.Psalm 119:11I have stored up your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.How to Forget The PastSince you searched for the phrase ―How to forget the past‖ I can assume thatyou want to forget about one of the following three things: Forget the past relationship or love Forget the past memories Forget the past feelings and painful momentsUsually points two and three are connected together; you will usually want toforget the past relationship in addition to wanting to forget the memoriesassociated with it. Some people claim that the past cant be changed; actually itcan be changed and there is only one way to change it which is changing thefuture.How to Change the Past?Suppose that you got laid off and that you went into deep financial troubles whichresulted in some painful memories, a breakup which changed your life. What doyou think will be your feelings if five years later you became a millionaire?Do you think the memory of being laid off will be a painful one? No, it won‘t. But,on the contrary, it will be an event that you feel proud of and you will find yourselfhappy whenever you remember it or whenever you tell someone about it.It‘s not the past event that makes us feel bad but it‘s rather our lack of ability tohave a better future. If the future appeared to be prosperous then the painful pastmemories will become happy memories. That‘s why most of the people forgetabout their old relationship whenever they start a new one, it‘s just because thefuture became bright once again.The past only hurts those who can‘t see signs of light in the near future. If theywere sure that the future will be bright the past wont be able to affect their lives.
Use Your Subconscious MindOne of the things that prevent a painful event from being wiped out fromyour subconscious mind is that there is no guarantee that it won‘t happenagain.If you convinced your subconscious mind that this event won‘t happen again youwill find that it cant affect you like before. For example, suppose youwere bullied in front of everyone and then you went home feeling sad.Promising yourself that you won‘t allow this to happen again is enough to relief atleast half of your pain, but wait, you must be serious about it else yoursubconscious mind won‘t believe you.I know that sometimes things can be out of control but at least you can learnsome skills that help you regain this control whenever you lose it. You can‘tcontrol those bullies but you can control your response towards them. Whenevera painful event happens to you promise yourself that you won‘t allow this tohappen again and you will find yourself feeling better.An additional factor that can help in making past events become painful is Guilt.If for some reason you felt that you were responsible for what happened thememory will most likely turn into a painful one. By learning how to deal withguilt you will be taking a further step towards forgetting the past.How to forget the past relationshipHow false beliefs such as "He is the one" or "He is my soul mate" can hinderrecovery. In addition to the traditional methods to forgetting the past dealing withfalse beliefs is crucial to recovery, for if these beliefs were left intact recoverymay not happen.Examine your past and find those events which are causing you much pain thenvisualize the type of future which can make those events become painless.If you lost lots of money then being rich will wipe out this memory, if you broke upwith someone then finding someone better will help you forget this relationshipand if you had a painful experience then taking the necessarily actions thatguarantees that this event won‘t happen again will make you forget about it. ***
Chapter.10. When to leave a relationshipDump your partner when the person isn’t worthyour love
When is it time to break-up?Do I stay, or do I go? When is it time to break-up?Relate to these questions? Have you ever asked them to yourself before? Then itis time you seriously have a reality check on your relationship. Is yourrelationship worth the toil? Is it a thing you cherish or despise?Love can be wonderful. But love can also be a great source of pain, like fire. Ifused properly and, it adds immense joy to your life. If abused and not contained,it can destroy everything.Understandably, you don‘t want to bail on every relationship at the very first signof difficulty. There‘s something to be gained in working through issues, and beingsupportive of someone during a turbulent time. No one wants (or wants to be) afair-weather friend.On the other hand, how much is enough already? When does ‗standing by yourman‘ become such an imposition that it fails to serve any meaningful purpose ineither of your lives? What do you do when all of those ―signs‖ and messagesfrom the Universe/God (those whispers, your intuition, thats supposed to bethere to guide you) just seem like cruel riddles - difficult to interpret, and neverquite giving the sense of calm thats supposed to come with knowing you‘re doingthe right thing?How far will you go, how much of yourself will you give, under the guise of love?
The answers to these questions usually become obvious as time passes,especially if you are armed with some basic information, and follow SEVENcritical rules.The first rule of love is: Do not lose yourself!You are a beautiful, compassionate, intelligent, respectable, honest, loyal, youngwoman serving an important purpose on this Earth. Do not forget that as you fallin love. Do not allow a guy (or anyone) to cause you to doubt your self-worth,turn you into something or someone you aren‘t, or become involved in things thatare not in alignment with your values and sense of self.In order to not ‗lose‘ yourself, you must KNOW yourself. Otherwise, you‘ll morphinto whatever sort of person your lover expects you to be; or whatever sort ofperson you *think* he wants you to become. You‘ll engage in activities, act inways, and focus on things that will divert you from achieving your greatest good.So first FIND yourself - and then KEEP yourself.
Point: A good time to exit a relationship is at that point you realize that you have‗lost‘ yourself, and the only way to get back to YOU is outside of the boundariesof the relationship.Rule 2: Feel the loveLove is supposed to feel nice and peaceful, and your lover is supposedto…LOVE YOU BACK! If he doesn‘t (or fails to demonstrate it), it‘s probably agood idea to reevaluate the relationship. One-sided relationships are notsustainable, satisfying, and only lead to suffering, self-doubt, and unhappiness(especially for you).It‘s easy for a guy to say he loves you, but DEMONSTRATING that love is whatreally matters. Guys tell girls they love them and promise happily ever after allthe time! They say this to keep you on the shelf, their little shelf of ‗toys,‘ so theycan pull you down and play with you when they are bored with their other toys.Don‘t be his cheap toy. You are much too valuable to accept that role.You cannot believe him just because he SAYS something. Make him SHOW you.You have to FEEL the love, not just hear the words.Point: If you don‘t feel the love, regardless of what he‘s SAYING, it‘s time to do arelationship assessment. If the relationship is consistently one-sided, it‘s time tolet it go.What is ―consistently‖ one sided?That depends on the length and nature of the relationship. On one extreme, ifyou met a guy a month ago, and he never calls you, and the only time you see
him is when you arrange everything; it‘s time to ditch him. If this is how he‘sacting NOW, you‘d be a fool to expect anything different later on.On the other hand, if you‘ve been married to, and/or built a life with a personwho‘s been there for you when you needed support, and in the grand scheme ofyour relationship over the years it‘s been a fair, mutually supportive exchange;realize that this feeling of rejection is a small part of the relationship (and at timeswe all feel rejected by those we love). Very likely, in a short time, the feeling willpass. So, in some cases, it‘s appropriate to hold the line and give the relationship(and this person) the benefit of the doubt with more time.How much more time? Until either things improve, or enough time has passedwhere a clear pattern of *consistent* one-sidedness has becomes the dominatingsentiment in the relationship which does not improve despite your best efforts(conversation, letters, therapy, coaching, whatever).Rule 3: Have a visionYou must decide what you expect from a partner. Your list should be realistic,keeping in mind that you won‘t be ―perfect‖ so expecting ‗perfection‘ in yourpartner is unreasonable. You‘ll be single forever if you expect a real live perfectman.That being said, however, you must have some standards! What are they?Maybe family oriented, intelligent, honest, loyal, mentally stable, drug-free, non-violent, loves you, hard-worker, balanced…?? Focus on things that really matter.Skin color, height, how much money he makes, the type of car hedrives…shouldn‘t matter. If you value the ―wrong‖ (i.e. superficial) attributes, youwill set yourself up for heartache.
So have a vision of the guy you really want. Who do you want him to be on theinside? How do you want him to treat you? What do you want him to value?If you‘re able to keep this vision in your mind‘s eye to serve as a guide inchoosing your husband, it will be easier to recognize him when he enters yourlife. This vision will also serve to inform you about your current guy, and whetheror not there‘s real long term potential in having a happy relationship with him.Point: If the guy you‘re with demonstrates (or you otherwise determine) he‘s notconsistent with your vision (meaning he‘s not the type of guy you want to end upwith) it‘s a good time to dump him.Rule 4: Recognize and act swiftly if immediate relationship-enderssurface.Immediately end the relationship if:It involves domestic violence. No one has the right to hit you, throw things at you,threaten you, hurt you, rape you, lock you up, tie you down, or otherwise tortureyou in a romantic relationship (without your permission).EverDomestic violence is about intimidation and control. How can you ever live yourbest and fullest life serving your purpose if you are afraid to even state your truthto your most intimate partner? How can you fully participate in creating yourdestiny, leaving your mark, raising your children, finding your joy, if there‘s a bullyliving with you beating you down? His rage, anger, need for domination, is ALLABOUT HIM. Sure, hell blame you - say you deserve it. But the reason heshitting you is because HES feeling out of control...and beating on you makes himfeel better about that. Its the same reason anyone becomes a bully. There is