Remotely is an elegant, purely functional machine-to-machine communication library developed in Scala at Verizon. Remotely is fast, lightweight, and models network operations as a monad. It features compositional, reusable protocols and codecs, where the compatibility between client and server is enforced using Scala's type system. It has support for TCP endpoints, with combinators for encryption, circuit-breaking, and load-balancing. In this talk we describe the API of Remotely, and delve into its design and implementation.