Cast of CharactersFrank:Moose:Constance:Rich:Girlfriend Du Jour:Mom:Dad:Chorus: Halloween Partygoers & Environmental Activists
ACT I Scene 1 On the eve of Halloween. In the dark we hear a muffled moan. At rise, a dorm room decorated with horror movie posters and paraphernalia. There is a twin bed and drawers on one side, a small couch, TV, and coffee table on the other. FRANK, a college student, is asleep in front of the blaring TV set.TV Authorities say the gruesome murder of Robert Ward occurred outside of the victim’s home where the body was found yesterday. The investigation has incorporated portions of the local University prompting mild hysteria on campus. Concerned parents have formed a Coalition for the Safety and Protection of Students, asserting that local authority’s inefficacy in previous investigations... Frank rouses from sleep with a loud belch and smacks his lips. He turns off the TV.FRANK Tasty. Another, more insistent moan issues from the closet. Frank rises and opens the door and MOOSE stumbles out.FRANK Stuck in the closet again, Moose? MOOSE is imposing in stature. His guttural groans turn to speech.MOOSE ...Aah, uh, I dunno, Frank. I’m hungry! CONSTANCE enters dreamily, carrying books.FRANK Hey, look, it’s Constipated!CONSTANCE Oh, lovely. My brother and his pet Moose. Why can’t the two of you live in your own room, Frank? It was, after all, assigned to you.
2.MOOSE Your room is cleaner, Constance.CONSTANCE Since when is cleanliness a factor in your lives?FRANK (mock formally, like a butler) May I ask what is up your butt?CONSTANCE I have studying to do. And then I have a meeting to attend tonight. I have been invited into an exclusive and very important environmental activist group on campus. The leader asked me himself after my very thoughtful comment on population management in our shared anthropology of trash class. Rich said he’d like the group to hear my views. She falls into her daydream again as she flops on her bed. Frank holds his face and bats his eyelashes.FRANK Oh, Rich, would you like to come over and look through my trash? Moose snort laughs.MOOSE I just took a dump, Rich. You wanna see? The boys laugh merrily, snapping Constance out of her daydream.CONSTANCE You know, you two are a perfect example of the problem with our present society. You don’t care about anybody or anything but yourself, you make a huge mess for someone else to clean up-in this case, me... (she picks up trash) Look at this mess! Imagine your impact on the environment beyond the state of this room. The trash will swallow us up whole and we shall live in trash.FRANK That is such bullshit, Constance. When and if the trash of the world becomes such a problem then the free market will find the solution, not some college kids’ think tank devised for the sole purpose of hooking up.
3.CONSTANCE The free market is the problem. It creates all of this trash.FRANK You better not let Dad hear you speak such blasphemy. What would you propose? Socialism? Communism?CONSTANCE Why don’t you get your own opinions instead of just repeating everything Dad says? Our parents’ generation is the reason we are in this present mess.FRANK That is ridiculous.CONSTANCE They thought it was a good idea to build a billion cars so we could pave the world, drive to the shopping center and buy the crap they tell us we need, and then praise God on Sunday for delivering us from poverty created by a world made of money.FRANK You are a Communist!MOOSE Constance is a Commie?CONSTANCE I am not a Communist. I am an American. Am I not allowed to have an opinion that varies from the status quo? Well, my opinion is that money is the problem. It ought to be eradicated completely. Frank clasps his hands to his heart and bats eyelashes.FRANK Is that what Rich says?CONSTANCE Actually, no. That is a belief I have come to on my own through careful observation. Rich’s efforts are focused on stopping environmental degradation and the coinciding loss of quality of life. As the leader of an environmental group, his role is about fighting the system, not figuring out its cause or origination. Either way, he is doing something with his life and for the greater good which is more than I can say about you and your pet Moose.
4.MOOSE Hey!FRANK We are pop culture connoisseurs, modern anthropologists.MOOSE Yeah!CONSTANCE Sitting around and smoking pot while playing Resident Evil all day is not doing something with your life. Frank’s cell phone rings.FRANK (into phone) Hello, parental unit...yeah, Mom, I’m in her room now...okay, I’ll put you on speaker... (to Constance) Mom wants to talk to us.MOM (on speaker phone) What has Constance eaten today, Frank? Am I on speaker phone? Constance, have you eaten?CONSTANCE I’m fine, Mom.DAD (also on speaker phone) That’s not what your mother asked, Constance.MOM Your father’s on speaker phone with me.FRANK So we hear...MOM Alright. They can hear us, dear.DAD It is a marvel of technology. We’re all speaking together as a family from two different cities across the state, provided for by the ingenuity of technology, built by the great hands of the Capitalist system.CONSTANCE You mean, Japan?
5.DAD Constance!FRANK Oh, no. Here we go...MOOSE Where are we going? Dinner, I hope...MOM Is that Moose? Tell Moose we said hi.FRANK Mom says hi, Moose.MOM Oh, silly! He can hear me. Hi, Moose.MOOSE Hi, Ma.DAD Frank? What’s this I hear about a murder on campus? There is a knock at the door.FRANK (to Constance) That’s for me. I’m expecting someone.CONSTANCE Your having guests over to my room now?FRANK Well, I can’t very well invite her over to my place. Constance opens the door for Frank’s GIRLFRIEND DU JOUR, a redhead offering up a six pack of beer. Resigned, Constance holds her arm up to invite his new girlfriend in. Frank kisses her and holds a finger up to his lips. She pops open a beer.MOM What’s going on over there?DAD Frank, can you hear me?FRANK Uh, yeah, Dad, it’s just that we suddenly have company... Frank’s Girlfriend sits on his lap.
6.DAD Alright, well, we’ll make it quick then.MOM Your father and I are stopping by for a surprise visit tomorrow on our way to the convention. We can have a traditional family dinner. Doesn’t that sound good, Constance?CONSTANCE I wouldn’t really call it a surprise visit if your telling us about it...DAD Watch it, young lady. Watch your tone.FRANK That seems appropriate somehow for Halloween weekend--a visit from the parents.DAD Are we not allowed to visit for Halloween? Is that not coool?MOM Should we wear costumes?FRANK No, please don’t.MOM Frank?FRANK Yes, Mom?MOM Make sure that Constance eats.FRANK Yes, Mom.MOM DAD Bye, we’ll see you Look forward to it... tomorrow...CONSTANCE FRANK Alright, bye. See you then.
7.FRANK What’s a-happenin’, hot stuff?GIRLFRIEND Hi, Frank.FRANK Moose, turn on the television. I bet there’s a scary movie on... Moose does as he is asked. Constance stands over the little couch with her hands on her hips, indignant, as Moose and Frank grab beers and get comfortable on the couch.CONSTANCE Excuse me.FRANK Come on, Constance. You’re leaving for your little pep rally soon and it’s the eve of Halloween.CONSTANCE What does that have to do with anything?FRANK It means great TV. And we need the added ambiance of your room.GIRLFRIEND (to Constance) I would think that you like scary movies based on your design sensibility.CONSTANCE I didn’t decorate my room. Frank did.GIRLFRIEND (to Frank) Nice work. Frank and Girlfriend kiss. Constance throws her hands up in the air. There is a knock at the door. Constance opens it. RICH is an attractive young man in army fatigues complete with homemade insignias on his front pocket.CONSTANCE Rich!
8.RICH Hey. (Acknowledges Frank, Moose, and Girlfriend) Whaddup.FRANK What is up.RICH Just fighting for what’s right, man.FRANK And what is wrong? I’ve always wondered.CONSTANCE Rich, this is my brother Frank and his friend Moose, and Frank’s girl...RICH Cool. Just stopping by to make sure you’re going to be at our little Suarez tonight.CONSTANCE Definitely.RICH Awesome. See ya.CONSTANCE See ya. She stares after him.FRANK Oh, God, get a room. Moose laughs loudly.FRANK (falsetto) Oh, Rich, I can’t wait to see you at the nerd rally tonight.MOOSE Yeah, they’re real nerds.FRANK Let’s sit around and talk about our problems in camouflage.
9.CONSTANCE Dumb ass.FRANK Fight the power with "deep conversation."GIRLFRIEND And get drunk! Whoo hoo!CONSTANCE For your information, this is a radical club based on action.FRANK For getting some action.CONSTANCE No, in taking action against the people who flagrantly use more than their fair share of the earth’s precious and finite resources.MOOSE What does that mean?FRANK (mock horror) They kill litterbugs.CONSTANCE We make examples of certain people...FRANK Litterbugs?CONSTANCE It’s not a joke. (beat) I’m going to study. She gathers her books and exits.MOOSE I don’t understand anything she says, Frank.FRANK I know, man. Me neither.MOOSE Who is she talking about?FRANK Who knows? She’s fallen for an idiot environmentalist.
10. The trio adjusts and gets comfortable on the little couch before falling under the hypnosis of the scary movie on TV. We hear screams and groans emanating from the television set.FRANK This is so ridiculous.GIRLFRIEND It’s great. I love it--the cheesy suspenseful music, the terrified victim, the zombies...FRANK It’s great, but ridiculous.GIRLFRIEND (slightly offended) What’s so ridiculous about it? Frank moves his Girlfriend off of his lap and beside him on the couch so that he can sit on the edge, closer to the TV.FRANK Well, why are they so slow--these zombies?GIRLFRIEND They’re not always slow. I just did a paper on the evolution of zombie speed in my film class. (ominously) They’re getting faster.FRANK No, I don’t necessarily mean their speed, I mean their intellect: they’re always so stupid.GIRLFRIEND They’re dead.FRANK So?GIRLFRIEND So...they are no longer living...FRANK And the living have some kind of monopoly on intelligence? I find that highly suspicious.GIRLFRIEND Life is intelligence, intelligence is life.
11.FRANK So everybody’s dumb in the afterlife?GIRLFRIEND Huh?FRANK If life is the only source of intelligence, then all of those souls in Heaven are wandering around witless...I would be right in that case to choose Hell.GIRLFRIEND No, dummy, the soul is the source of intelligence and life and it leaves upon a person’s death.FRANK Hunh. A soul. Frank sits in thought while Girlfriend looks at him. Finally he speaks.FRANK And we know of the presence of the soul how exactly?GIRLFRIEND You’re ridiculous.FRANK Next your going to tell me that zombies can’t procreate. Frank leans into Girlfriend seductively. She rebuffs his advances by pushing him off.GIRLFRIEND I find it highly doubtful that you are so in the dark about the rules of the zombie monster. It’s easy: they’re dead, they can’t talk, they can’t procreate. They can only eat the flesh of a human.FRANK I’m just saying that the rules seem a bit stringent in light of recent technological advances--a little gene splicing here, a dollop of zombie blood there, a diluted strain that is mutated genetically and you have a monster that lives forever.GIRLFRIEND Your getting your monsters confused, Dr. Frankenstein. The couple falls again under the hypnosis of the movie on TV. After a moment, Moose pipes up.
12.MOOSE What resources?FRANK Huh?MOOSE Connie said resources.FRANK Oh...Connie’s talking about oil, trees, I guess.MOOSE (thinks) Like truckers and tree loggers?GIRLFRIEND Like cars and smog and stuff...FRANK It’s more than that...MOOSE Why care about oil and trees?FRANK Because we’re going to use up all the oil and cut down all the trees and all that will be left are too many people.MOOSE Sounds perfect. Girlfriend looks at Moose.FRANK She just needs something to care about, something to assuage her guilt.MOOSE Guilt for what? Frank stares at Moose for a moment.FRANK Alright, Moose, you’ve fulfilled your quota for questions that you are allowed to ask me in a day.MOOSE But we should help her, Frank. She’s upset with us.
13.FRANK We could make an example for her radical group.MOOSE Yeah! Who?FRANK Somebody who is wasting resources. Who’s hungry?GIRLFRIEND I’m not. I’m on a diet. Frank’s Girlfriend gets up. She gathers the depleted six pack.FRANK Alright. Catch ya later, Baby. They kiss and she exits.FRANK (he points at Moose) You’ve been hungry... Frank picks up the phone and starts dialing.MOOSE I’m always hungry.FRANK We can make an example of the pizza man.MOOSE The pizza man?FRANK He drives around for his job.MOOSE Pizza man! Pizza man!FRANK (on the phone) I’d like to order a large supreme. Delivery. Fade.
14. Scene 2 Later that night. Frank and Moose are smoking a joint in Constance’s room. A pizza box lays on the floor and a human’s leg sticks out from under the bed. Moose wears a pizza delivery man’s hat.FRANK Alright, That’s enough, Moose. Pass it here. Constance begins to enter with Rich not far behind her.CONSTANCE That was so deep, Rich. She stops in the doorway. She quickly turns towards Rich and blocks his view of the room with her body and the door.CONSTANCE Well, I better study. See you tomorrow, Rich. Rich is confused.RICH Cool. Peace. I’ll see you at... She slams the door in his face.CONSTANCE (looks around) What the hell are y’all doing?MOOSE Smoking a joint. Constance kicks the leg back under the bed and then turns to Frank.CONSTANCE Frank!FRANK I wonder what Rich tastes like. Tofu? Constance flies over to Frank snarling with her teeth bared. She tackles him and he pushes her back away from the couch. Moose jumps off the couch, unsure what to do. Frank jumps up on his feet ready to battle.
15.FRANK (slowly) Connie, I was just joking. Constance considers him for a moment and then attacks again. She tackles him to the floor. The two wrestle with their main goal to avoid the teeth of the other monster. Constance has Frank upside down.CONSTANCE If you so much as touch him, Frank, I will end you.FRANK Okay, okay. Constance lets off and paces to calm herself down while Frank stands to his feet and brushes himself off.FRANK Jeez. And this when we were just trying to do you a favor...CONSTANCE I don’t need any of your favors, Frank. (beat) What do you mean, favor?FRANK We made an example for your little cult - the pizza man on a platter.CONSTANCE The pizza man?FRANK Yes, the pizza delivery guy.MOOSE Yeah, Constance, he drives around a lot and wastes a lot of gas.CONSTANCE Oh, my God.FRANK We saved some for you, well, a leg specifically.CONSTANCE You idiot! She stares at them in fury.
16.CONSTANCE The pizza guy isn’t the problem. It’s the system that is based on finite resources that is the problem. The pizza guy just saves everybody else from wasting gas to go get their dinner.MOOSE (upset) We were trying to help you, Connie!CONSTANCE No, you were just hungry.FRANK Just eat, Constance.CONSTANCE Where did you have the pizza delivered to - my room? They’ll obviously trace him here. Did you call from your phone?FRANK No, yours. (beat) We’ve been over this, Constance. There’s no crime without any evidence.CONSTANCE No evidence, huh? She pulls the hat off of Moose’s headCONSTANCE What are you gonna do - eat your way out of jail?FRANK They wouldn’t bother incarcerating us, they would just kill us. Constance, your inability to accept reality is monumental. Constance sits defeated in a lump on the bed.FRANK We were trying to make ourselves useful. Constance lays down on her side.CONSTANCE Why can’t I just be normal?FRANK Who wants to be normal? Just accept the way things are and make the best of it, Cons. We thought you’d be happy. We were trying to be environmentally friendly. You have to eat something, Constance. I know you’re hungry.
17.CONSTANCE I didn’t mean the poor pizza guy. I was thinking more along the lines of, oh, I don’t know, the person who drives their Hummer through the desert taking joy rides. Or the guy that tows his Hummer through town with his other Hummer. Or, just a guy who drives a Hummer. She reaches under the bed and pulls out a hunk of meat and takes a bite. She chews, depressed.CONSTANCE Tastes like pizza.FRANK Here. I know how daintily you eat. He gets up and hands her a napkin and sits back down.CONSTANCE Thanks.FRANK Mom and Dad will be happy to know that you finally ate today. It’s been almost a week this time, Constance. Constance sits sullenly, chewing slowly.FRANK I know what will cheer you up. He gets another napkin and lights in on fire. It bursts into a ball of flames and Moose screams.MOOSE Ah! Fire! Fire bad! The flames sputter out and Frank lets the ashes drop on the table. Constance laughs despite herself.CONSTANCE Moose, haven’t you learned yet that he’s teasing you when he does that? He’s not going to hurt you. Moose is still recovering.MOOSE Fire bad.
18.CONSTANCE Yes, fire is bad.FRANK So how was your militant vegan rally?CONSTANCE How did you know that Rich is vegan?FRANK A wild guess? Constance eyes him suspiciously. She senses sarcasm, but continues.CONSTANCE It was actually very empowering. The E-R-P- is really committed to the cause.FRANK E-R-P-?CONSTANCE The Environmental Resource Protectors. Frank outstretches his arm as if about to take flight as a superhero.FRANK We’re "The Protectors"! Moose mimics him.MOOSE The Protectors! Frank begins to shrug his shoulders and flap his elbows like a chicken while emitting a sound not unlike Beaker from the Muppets. Moose catches on quickly.FRANK MOOSE Erp, erp, erp... Erp, erp, erp... Constance is hurt.CONSTANCE Can’t you ever be serious? Frank stops and looks at Constance. Moose takes another moment before he figures out that the game has ended.
19.FRANK I’m sorry, Constance. You were telling us about the meeting...The E-R-P- Moose stifles a laugh and Frank elbows him.CONSTANCE No, never mind.FRANK Aw, come on! You know we’re a couple of idiots.CONSTANCE That is true.FRANK So...the meeting was good...The E-R-P- are committed to the environment, you say?CONSTANCE They are. And I arrive at the moment in history when the group is about to become the leader in environmental activism with the new strategic plan called "Operation: Educate America."FRANK Rich is fairly steeped in military references...CONSTANCE Why do I try to talk to you?FRANK (serious) One more bite, Constance. I’ve watched you sit here and barely eat anything. Constance reluctantly takes another bite. She looks at Frank while she chews.CONSTANCE (sarcastically) Oh, yeah! I forget for one blissful moment in time the cold, hard facts of my life...that is, until you remind me. You keep me alive to mock me. What would I do without you, Frank? What’s the point? Why do I bother trying to make a difference when I am complicit in murder at every meal? (beat) Get out. Both of you, get out! Frank and Moose quietly exit. Constance stares after the door. Fade.
20. Scene 3 A soft morning light pours into the window and rises throughout the scene. Constance is asleep. A knock on the door causes her to roll over. The knock is more insistent. She groans groggily. The knock continues.RICH (through the door) Constance? Constance sits up in bed.CONSTANCE Rich?RICH Constance, let me in. I need to talk to you. She lies back in bed in a huff.CONSTANCE Go away, Rich.RICH Please, I need your help. Constance finally rises to answer the door. She stands holding the door, blocking his entrance.CONSTANCE What time is it, Rich?RICH I’m sorry, it’s early. I just needed your help. There is no time to sleep when we are at war. Constance drops her hold on the door and falls on the couch. Rich follow her in and shuts the door. He is in his usual fatigues and carries a plastic binder.CONSTANCE About the movement...Listen, Rich, I don’t think I am right for the cause.RICH What are you talking about? You’re perfect. Your understanding of the immediacy of the issues really impressed the group tonight.
21. He joins her on the couch.RICH Listen, I talked with the executive officers and we would like to invite you to be a member...I mean, an executive member, in that your position within the group would be fundamental and you will go down in history as one of the founding fathers...I mean, founding members. We’re gonna change the world, Constance, and we want you to be a part. Constance straightens up.CONSTANCE Really? Me?RICH We’ve been trying to decide the best place for you. You could definitely slip right into the role of secretary, though everyone is inclined to agree that you might be the face of the E-R-P-.CONSTANCE The face?RICH The face. I’m inclined to agree with the other members. You have a very good face... Rich leans in to kiss Constance who jumps up.CONSTANCE Um...Rich...I Rich reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bag of trail mix.RICH Cruelty-free granola? It’s one hundred percent vegan.CONSTANCE Cruelty-free? Uh, yeah. Rich pours some into her outstretched hand. She looks at it. She sniffs it.RICH I promise: it’s totally vegan.CONSTANCE Yeah, I...just wondered cuz a lot of the time they just say that.
22.RICH It’s so wrong. We should do something about that. Target greedy liars who pass themselves off as vegan when they are only vegetarian.CONSTANCE Yeah, totally. He looks at her. She takes a small piece and puts it in her mouth with difficulty.RICH It’s good, isn’t it.CONSTANCE Mm hmm. Constance turns her back to Rich and dry heaves the piece back out into her hand.CONSTANCE Yummy. She walks behind Rich and drops the handful of granola into the trash.RICH You don’t like it.CONSTANCE No, I just...You woke me up out of a dead sleep and invite me to be a member of the group...I...RICH I understand. It’s a lot, but I feel strongly about you and want you on my side against the vast army of suburban zombies that we are facing... Constance chokes.RICH It’s a war and there is a right side and a wrong side...and you don’t want to be on the wrong side, do you, Constance?CONSTANCE No.RICH I’m here to offer you the right side.
23.CONSTANCE What exactly would my role be? I don’t know that much about...I’m new to activism, I guess... Constance joins Rich on the couch.RICH We’re extreme, Constance. This is no joke. This isn’t your little student group assembling to talk about our hurt feelings. We take action.CONSTANCE Yeah, my brother said...RICH Exactly how close are you to your brother?CONSTANCE We’re pretty close. We go to school together. We’ve traveled abroad last year--him, me, and Moose. They spend all of their spare time in my room.RICH You wouldn’t even be able to tell your brother. Nobody understands the depth of our commitment. We have to be careful who knows what. We have some dangerous operations planned in the near future.CONSTANCE That’s not a problem. The less my brother and I need to talk, the better...What do you mean dangerous?RICH Here... Rich pulls out the plastic binder and has second thoughts.RICH I can trust you, right?CONSTANCE Yes. He opens the notebook, thumbing through to the right page.RICH I think it’s time for full disclosure of Operation: Educate America. If you take a look at this map of the campus, you will see that our first mission begins here.
24. He points at the map.RICH Alright, if this is the University, and here are the dorms, then we will meet here at o-eight hundred hours... Constance looks over at his schematic.CONSTANCE Where are the dorms?RICH (points) Here.CONSTANCE Well, then what is that building?RICH That’s the Physics building...CONSTANCE Physics would be over there...RICH No, your turned around. That’s the library.CONSTANCE The library? Are you kidding? The library is way over here. Rich looks at the map closely.RICH I don’t know how you can not see that that is the library. The focus of the conversation shifts from the map to the physical space. Constance points towards stage right.CONSTANCE The library is that way.RICH (referring to the map) Yes, which is why it’s here on the map.CONSTANCE That seems totally backwards to me.
25.RICH Here, look at it like this. Rich spins the notebook around. Constance grabs it and spins in another wayCONSTANCE No, let me position it in space...RICH Wait... Rich grabs the notebook out of her hand and startles.RICH Oh! Sorry! The plastic edge caught your hand. It looks pretty bad... Rich points at her hand and then gags. Constance looks down to see the deep paper cut that Rich has inadvertently caused. She finally reacts.CONSTANCE Oh. Constance covers her hand.CONSTANCE Ow!RICH That looked pretty deep. You should disinfect that. Here, let me see it. Rich pulls at Constance’s hand. She pulls her hand away.CONSTANCE It’s fine. I better keep it covered. To stop the bleeding.RICH (confused) I didn’t see any blood.CONSTANCE I’m a slow bleeder. I mean, it’s weird but it takes a minute for the blood to start and then it just spurts like crazy. The doctor says that I’ve got...dense skin. Rich looks at her.
26.CONSTANCE I better keep it covered. So, anyway... Constance jumps up.CONSTANCE Is that the time? I have to get ready for class. Rich gets up and head to the door.RICH How about we meet tonight and then I’ll fill you in then. Constance meets Rich at the door, her hands clasped behind her back. They kiss.RICH See ya.CONSTANCE See ya. Constance closes the door and leans against it, dreaming. She whirls into her room and clasps her arms about her in happiness. She looks at the wound on her hand and pulls out the sewing kit. She threads a needle and then proceeds to pull it through the wound on her hand. Scene 4 Afternoon, same day. At rise, a grassy and tree-covered quad on campus. A small group in fatigues sits facing upstage. Rich is the focus of attention as he faces the group and delivers his speech.RICH We believe that we are powerless only because they tell us that we are and we don’t question them? The power is in us, people. Don’t let them tell you differently, don’t let them brainwash you into thinking that there is nothing that you can do. Constance enters followed by a straggling Frank and Moose. Rich acknowledges Constance with a smile as the latecomers sit at the back of the group.
27.RICH That has been their plan all along: to lull you into complacency with their...stuff. But who has to buy their stuff? You do. You pay for your own complacency with the dollar that you have toiled to make. Imagine! They have turned you into suburban zombies... Moose stands up alarmed and looks around. Frank and Constance tug him back to the ground where he sits.RICH ...and not only did you fall for it--like a sucker at a sideshow carnival--you bought and paid for your own ignorance with your hard-earned cash. How does that feel? The crowd rumbles. Rich is effectively inciting them.FRANK (to Constance) He sounds like a preacher...RICH Give them the ignorance that they require and then pay them their fee on top of it!FRANK (heckles) Who’s they? Constance shushes Frank along with several others. Rich doesn’t miss a beat.RICH They are the store owners that set the prices on your imagined needs, they are your friends that expect you to follow them to the trendiest shops and clubs, they are you families that expect you to fall in line without question... Rich looks directly at Frank.RICH ...Your own brother. The one closest to you... The crowd cheers at this.FRANK (to Constance) What does money have to do with the environment.
28.CONSTANCE It’s the system. Now shhht.RICH And while we are here, slaving away for the good life, buying our five dollar lattes while barely squeaking by with the mortgage each month, there is another world that lives in the consequences of our choices. The international garbage slums of the world sit literally on the refuse of our materialist system: Beirut, Calcutta, and Mexico City’s huge garbage dumps are ecosystems in themselves. The tragedy of Manilla’s Payatas, a hundred foot mountain of garbage collapsed after a typhoon, killing hundreds of scavengers, literal residents of the town dump. These scavengers make more money living at the dump than they can make in the countryside of the Philippines because the greedy nature of the system has taken the power away from the people and put it into the hands of the already wealthy landowners. Are we here to fight the system? The group cheers and jumps up to gather around Rich. The zombie trio hangs back.FRANK Constance? Can’t you see what he is doing? He’s throwing a bunch of scary images out into the crowd for the reaction he wants. I don’t see how he is any different from the current system except that he is the opposite: a flipped image.CONSTANCE I don’t know why you had to come. I certainly didn’t invite you. Moose begins to cry loudly.CONSTANCE Not you, Moose. I wanted you to come. He composes himself.CONSTANCE It’s Frank who I could do without.FRANK I have caught an intriguing scent that I am following.MOOSE I smell it too.
29.FRANK Maybe that’s why you are acting so crazy about this Rich person--he has stimulated your hunger and you confuse it with love.CONSTANCE That’s extremely cynical, but makes sense coming from you who treats his various girlfriends with all of the romance of a business transaction.FRANK That’s the difference between us: I find money very sexy...CONSTANCE Gag. Rich breaks off from the conversation with his followers to walk over to Constance. Some of the activists wander off the stage, others continue their conversation upstage.FRANK Erp, erp, erp.... Constance hits him.CONSTANCE Shut up!RICH What did you think of the rally?CONSTANCE It was so powerful.RICH So, do I have any converts?FRANK Uh...CONSTANCE You have me converted.RICH Well, we need to officially induct you in then... He offers her a hand and pulls her to her feet, embracing her.
30.RICH What say we head over to my place and hold the official ceremony. Constance is smitten.CONSTANCE Okay. The lovebirds walk offstage. Frank and Moose watch them go for a bit until they are out of hearing range.FRANK I really hate that guy.MOOSE I want to eat him.FRANK Yeah. He’d taste like shit.MOOSE Why?FRANK His diet of nuts and berries. Moose gags.MOOSE Ugh!FRANK But it sure would be fun to eat him for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint.MOOSE Connie would kill us.FRANK Yeah, literally, I think. Girlfriend Du Jour is a blonde this time as she strolls through the quad, talking on her phone. She stumbles into a bystander.GIRLFRIEND Watch out! (on the phone) Where are you?...I’m in the quad...I can’t see you...Oh, my God. I’m so drunk!
31. Frank whistles a cat call. She laughs and cuts her eyes to him flirtatiously as she walks by.FRANK Hey! Wait a second! He jumps to his feet and jumps in front of her path.GIRLFRIEND Oh, my God. I have to call you back.FRANK You look familiar...what’s your name?GIRLFRIEND Wouldn’t you like to know? Frank addresses Moose while looking at Girlfriend. Girlfriend sways on her feet.FRANK Hey, Moose. Would you mind clearing out and giving us some space? (beat) Go do some homework. Frank leads a compliant Girlfriend to a shady spot underneath a tree where they take a seat.MOOSE (protesting) I don’t do homework!FRANK Take a walk. Moose reluctantly gets up and clears out. Frank and Girlfriend smile at each other.FRANK You look good enough to eat!GIRLFRIEND You’re so cute! Where in the world did you come from?FRANK From my dorm room, of course.GIRLFRIEND No, I mean, where are you from originally?
32.FRANK Does it matter?GIRLFRIEND What, you’d rather we sit here and not talk at all?FRANK Heavens, no! I want to learn all about you. (beat) Where are you from?GIRLFRIEND (giggling) I asked you first.FRANK Well, I am the product of mixed blood: my mom was a human and my dad, a zombie.GIRLFRIEND (disbelieving, but playing along) Oh, really?FRANK Really. I love the taste of human flesh. He mock nibbles on her neck. She pushes him away playfully.GIRLFRIEND There’s no such thing as zombies...FRANK (mock surprise) There’s not?!GIRLFRIEND And anyway, zombies and humans can’t procreate.FRANK Why not?GIRLFRIEND Cuz zombies are dead...Duh!FRANK Are those the rules?GIRLFRIEND Duh!
33.FRANK What if they could and we procreated right now?GIRLFRIEND In the middle of the quad?FRANK There’s nobody around...GIRLFRIEND No, thanks. I don’t sleep with zombies.FRANK I could make you a zombie and then you could live indefinitely...GIRLFRIEND Forever?FRANK (he thinks) Indefinitely...GIRLFRIEND But not forever?FRANK Well, I don’t know. We haven’t lived that long. We’re a relatively young zombie family.GIRLFRIEND Who? Your mother, your father, and you? All zombies.FRANK Yeah. All zombies.GIRLFRIEND So you don’t know if you live forever...what happens if you don’t?FRANK I don’t know. I’ll find out when I get there.GIRLFRIEND Well, what is it? A virus?FRANK No.GIRLFRIEND A bio-industrial accident?
34.FRANK God, no.GIRLFRIEND Well, what then?FRANK A genetic mutation....My dad’s a genetic engineer. A mad scientist.GIRLFRIEND And a zombie...FRANK Yeah.GIRLFRIEND Practicing science.FRANK Yeah. (beat) Well, not anymore.GIRLFRIEND (points at him) Because he’s a zombie!FRANK No, because he’s a pastor of a church now.GIRLFRIEND Well, how come they are all lifeless monsters in the movies and yet you and your family can walk around like you’re normal?FRANK (sarcastically) You’re right: the movies are such a credible source of information. (beat) I guess the best way to explain it would be to compare it to...the HIV virus. People walk around with it all the time, but it’s not until you’re full-blown AIDS that you show physical symptoms...GIRLFRIEND You are truly ghoulish.FRANK I try. Frank looks around the quad casually.
35.GIRLFRIEND Do you have any alcohol?FRANK It’s getting late. My parents are coming into town any minute. I need to get going.GIRLFRIEND What are you doing for Halloween tonight?FRANK Feasting on flesh.GIRLFRIEND Can you please be serious?FRANK What’s the fun of being serious?GIRLFRIEND Well, do you wanna meet me tonight or what?FRANK I’d rather eat you tonight. Frank suddenly growls and ferociously attacks her neck with his teeth and her laughter turns to screams as she attempts to push his face away. He jumps up on all fours and eats at her neck like a rabid dog. She is quickly silenced and her body falls lifeless. Frank looks around from his crouched position over her and then gets to his feet casually. Her neck and collar are covered with blood. He drags her by her feet offstage. Light out. INTERMISSION
36. ACT II Scene 1 Halloween, early evening. Constance enters her room with her books clasped tightly to her chest, dreamily. She puts her books down and turns on her favorite song and dances with abandon. After a few moments, with Constance lost completely in the music, the door opens to reveal Constance and Frank’s MOM and DAD, Frank standing close behind them. The family watches in amusement, Frank cracking up. Constance finally notices them in the doorway and screams at the top of her lungs. She stomps over to turn off her music and turns to face her intruders.DAD I knocked but the music was too loud. The parents walk in while Frank uses a significant amount of effort to pick up the heavy garbage bag set down outside of the dorm room. He hauls the bag into the center of the room. Dad closes the door.MOM Oh, don’t be upset, honey. You’re a very good dancer. (beat) Though you would probably be a little more graceful if you gained a little weight--you’re too skinny! Have you lost more weight? (to Dad) Oh, my God, she’s lost more weight...DAD Constance, this is getting ridiculous. This growing aversion to our food source is ridiculous. You have been eating it your whole life. Frank let’s go of the bag and it crashes to the floor with a loud thud.FRANK Where the hell is Moose?MOM Watch your language, please, Frank. Mom looks around.
37.MOM Where is Moose? There is a loud moan from the closet.MOM Oh, goodness. Will he ever break that habit? Mom crosses to the closet and opens it, letting Moose out.MOOSE Aang! Ah-hello, Ma!MOM Hi, Moose. Mom attempts to teach Moose how to let himself out of the closet while the conversation continues with the others. She taps him on the arm and turns the doorknob from inside of the opened closet door while he stares at her. Then she physically moves his head to look at the doorknob which she then turns in an exaggerated fashion. She gets in the closet and shuts herself in and opens and shuts the door several times. She emerges from the closet and places Moose inside and closes the door on him, waiting on the other side for him to emerge. He doesn’t. He moans loudly, frustrated. Mom lets him out of the closet and gives up.DAD You know, honey, you should really be more conscientious about your neighbors. You were playing your music very loudly. Didn’t you get the CD I sent you?CONSTANCE I don’t listen to Christian rock, Dad. Mom speaks while continuing Moose’s lesson with the closet door.MOM It is not the typical Christian music you’ve heard before. It’s hard core...DAD ...and uplifting. It’s the new band at church. Constance motions to the bag in the middle of the floor.
38.CONSTANCE Who is this? Mom opens the door from the inside to add her comment to the conversation. Moose looks from Mom to Constance and back again.MOM You mean, what is this. She closes herself back in.DAD The who is not important; it’s just meat. To eat.CONSTANCE It is important. It’s very important.DAD If you must know, it’s my opponent.MOM The congregation has decided that your father needed to run for office.DAD I am obliging and I officially commence my campaign with our family dinner.CONSTANCE This is your opponent? Constance sinks onto the bed. Dad opens the bag.DAD Alright, dig in. Frank and Moose dive in to devour the contents of the bag. Mom stops them.MOM Wait, wait, wait a second! We’re are your manners, dear? We are going to eat like a family as best as we can in this cramped space. Constance, we really need to get you a collapsible table so that you have somewhere civilized to eat...FRANK We eat at the coffee table...
39.MOOSE When we don’t eat off the floor...MOM Dear, we need to get them a table so that we can at least eat when we come to visit...I’ll set a makeshift table in the meantime. She turns her attention to setting the small coffee table with dinnerware that she has brought in a bright and cheery large plastic carryall.CONSTANCE I’m not hungry. Suddenly, I’m feeling sick.DAD You are going to be more than sick if you don’t eat, young lady.MOM You have to eat, Constance.CONSTANCE No, I don’t have to do anything.DAD If you don’t eat something, you are going to...die.FRANK I don’t think die is the right word...more like decompose for infinity or something. You sit there and watch yourself rot. We’ll come to visit you wherever you happen to be--lying in the dirt--and we’ll say... (falsetto) "Constance, why didn’t you eat? Can you hear us? Please say something, Constance!" Frank lays like a rotting corpse on the couch.FRANK But you’ll just sit there, unable to speak, staring it us with the one eye that you have left cuz the bugs ate the other one out...MOM Let’s not get macabre...CONSTANCE (to Dad) And then what? There’s one less operating zombie in the world? That actually makes more sense, if I am thinking about the world’s best interest and not my own.
40.FRANK Constance has joined an environmental cult.MOOSE They’re commies.FRANK Erp.MOOSE Erp!FRANK MOOSE Erp, erp, erp... Erp, erp, erp... Dad shoots the boys a look and they stop.DAD Why can’t you grasp the idea, Constance? What is good for you is good for the rest of the group. That is the beauty of Capitalism as it was set up by our founding fathers.CONSTANCE You mean, the beauty of Walmart? The founding fathers looked out over the roaming plains of America and envisioned Walmart surrounded by parking lots for as far as the eye can see?FRANK & MOOSE (sings) OH, BEAUTIFUL FOR SPACIOUS SKIES FOR AMBER WAVES OF GRAIN...DAD & CONSTANCE Shut up, Frank!MOM Alright, that’s enough. It’s obvious that this conversation is going nowhere. I’ve got hors d’oeuvres to start. Finger food, anyone? Mom holds up a plate and Frank and Moose jump up to partake. Frank and Moose sit back down and watch the conversation like a tennis match with their front row seats on the edge of the sofa while they munch.DAD Don’t be smart with me, Constance.
41.CONSTANCE No, I’m not allowed to be, am I?DAD You know what I mean. Don’t take that tone with me.CONSTANCE What tone?DAD (voice rising) That cynical and sarcastic tone. And you’re changing the subject. We were talking about you and your unhealthy eating habits. (bellows) Now eat, Constance! Constance stares at the floor sullenly.MOM Alright, that’s enough. She’s not hungry.DAD Are you planning on throwing away this life we have given you? Constance is unresponsive and Dad takes a seat in front of the TV.DAD (quietly) I can’t make you eat, but you should know that your life means something to me, to your family. I know that we don’t agree all the time... Frank and Moose look at each other.DAD ...but I would hope that you know that I love you...MOM ...we love you...DAD ...and we only want what is best for you. And what is best for you, what is best for all of us is a free market system...CONSTANCE Oh, God!
42.DAD Whether you believe it now or later, one day when you’re older and wiser, when you have children and you want the best for them...CONSTANCE I don’t want children.MOM Constance!CONSTANCE I’m not putting children through this. Dad’s anger pushes him to his feet.DAD How dare you be so selfish!CONSTANCE Me? You’re the selfish one. You’re the one who did this to me.DAD And you will live forever.CONSTANCE You think! We don’t know what’s going to happen in this psychotic experiment of yours. And I don’t want to live forever. I don’t know that I want to live at all.DAD You are breaking our hearts, Constance.MOM Enough drama. Everyone please have a seat at the table. Dinner is ready. (beat) Uh, Frank, Moose, can you bring the entrée over near the table and I’ll let people serve themselves. We’ll do it buffet style tonight. The family gathers around the makeshift table except for Constance who sits with her arms crossed. Frank and Moose drag, then pick up the garbage bag. Fade
43. Scene 2 At rise, dinnertime. The family is seated at the coffee table enjoying the meal, except for Constance. Dad sits on the couch next to Mom who sits on the arm of the couch closest to him. Moose is seated on the floor at the edge of the coffee table and Frank sits next to his father. Constance is sprawled across her bed. She shifts her position throughout the scene, changing sides in her frustration. Frank searches the table.FRANK Are there any more brains? Moose looks sheepish and holds up an empty bowl.MOOSE I ate them all.DAD That’s the best part of the animal...but we eat the whole thing, right boys?FRANK MOOSE Right! Right! The family falls into silence for a moment as they enjoy the meal.DAD Uh, Frank.FRANK Yes, Dad?DAD What’s this I hear about the recent murder of Robert Ward? That was very sloppy work, son...FRANK (defensively) That wasn’t me...DAD (not listening) ...Because I thought I had taught you better than that...
44.FRANK We did not do that.DAD (suspicious) Frank?FRANK We didn’t! I promise.DAD Robert Ward happens to be...happened to be...a contributing member of the political party that is backing my campaign...now, I won’t be upset, but I want you to tell me the truth...FRANK I am telling the truth. We didn’t do it.DAD Moose?MOOSE We didn’t.DAD We’ve discussed hunting strategies before; I would like to reiterate again that the less we draw attention to ourselves, the better. I’m not saying that we need to crawl under a rock... (he looks over at Constance) ...Or that we have to be afraid of being who we are...CONSTANCE (without looking up) That’s not it.DAD I’m just saying that these targets that necessitate a large amount of investigation really aren’t worth the trouble.CONSTANCE What about dinner?DAD Dinner?...CONSTANCE Your opponent? That seems like it would draw a fair amount of investigative and media attention...
45.DAD This was a special circumstance where I weighed the facts carefully and your mother and I went into stealth mode and did the deed quickly and silently.FRANK You went too Mom?MOM Oh, yes.DAD Your mother is an avid hunter when I can get her out of the house... Constance shifts uncomfortably in her bed. Her mother looks over.MOOSE Frank killed somebody today too. Frank shifts in his seat in an attempt to catch Moose’s attention and silence him.MOM Oh?MOOSE He dragged a girl back from the quad. (he laughs) He had already starting eating her and somebody asked what was wrong with her and he said she was drunk.DAD Frank!MOM What? Frank holds his hands up in the air.FRANK Really, nobody took any notice it.MOM You attacked her in broad daylight?DAD Out in the open?MOM And dragged her back to your apartment?
46.DAD Bloody?MOOSE She was pretty bloody...FRANK I...it’s...it’s Halloween. On a college campus. The most anybody said was... (impersonates a surfer) "Whoa, wicked costume, dude!"MOM That is unbelievable, Frank.DAD You are really asking for it, aren’t you?FRANK What? Nothing happened!MOM Well, what if it had?MOM You know, Frank, I’ve had just about enough of your behavior with women. Frank bows his head to receive the coming verbal punishment.DAD Your mother is right. This has got to stop.MOM You have to develop a normal life so that you won’t bring suspicion on the family. You know, it is not only about you.DAD How many times have I told you to hunt the small and insignificant? Nobody’s looking too closely after them... Constance sits bolt upright in bed.CONSTANCE That’s so unfair!DAD Don’t you start.
47.CONSTANCE As if an underprivileged life wasn’t hard and meaningless enough without you sending your band of zombies screaming down on top of them.DAD This band of zombies, as you so derogatorily call them, is your family!CONSTANCE How dare you tell us what to eat?DAD How dare I?... Dad starts choking on the food in his mouth. Those at the table turns to him in concern. Mom slaps him on the back and he rights himself.MOM Alright, that is enough. I will have no more yelling at the table. The family eats in silence. After a moment, Dad speaks up.DAD (calmly) Constance, you do not need to be afraid of your own power...CONSTANCE This is not about power, this is about the intelligence to wield power for the greater good...FRANK Here we go with the greater good again...CONSTANCE Says the freak who just dragged some poor unsuspecting girl’s body across campus...DAD Stop feeling sorry for your food!CONSTANCE I’m going to go to Africa...MOM Now, that’s an idea--a trip abroad would be nice...
48.CONSTANCE ...And I’m going to free and eat HIV-infected rhesus monkeys... The entire family gasps in horror. Constance is momentarily silenced. It takes a moment for everyone to recover.DAD We do not come from monkeys!MOM Honey, you know how sick you got when you tried to eat that alley cat...FRANK Not to mention the virus you might catch from an HIV monkey...CONSTANCE They are trapped in the same living hell as I am--the product of psychotic experimentation...and they share 99% of human DNA...FRANK I would like to stress again that you shouldn’t eat monkeys with HIV. Oh, my God! What if I eat a person with HIV? I need to start testing my victims... Mom gets up and goes over to Constance to comfort her and calm her down.MOM Let’s just all calm down, please.DAD No, I need to say this. We have watched Constance go from eating little to even less. Even as a child, once she understood that we ate differently from other people, she never ate enough. I think it is time for you to take your first kill before it is too late...MOM Too late for what? Frank looks after Connie...DAD Before she stops eating altogether. (he stands) Constance, you need to choose life! Constance quickly stands in retaliation.
49.CONSTANCE You mean, death! Father and daughter are locked in opposition to each other.MOM (quietly) Now, now. Let’s not make everything so...life and death. If and when Constance kills, it will be in her own time. In the meantime, Frank will look after our Connie, right Frank?FRANK Right, Mom. Fade. Scene 3 Halloween night. Frank and Moose pass a joint in front of the TV. Frank chokes on smoke and laughter. Frank’s GIRLFRIEND DU JOUR, a brunette who wears cat ears, sits on his lap, drinking out of a flask. The news bulletin interrupts their laughter.TV Authorities are still scrambling for suspects in the gruesome murder of oil magnate Robert Ward. The CEO of American Petroleum was just cleared of all charges in a federal investigation when his burnt body was found in his suburban mansion last week. The usually quiet neighborhood was rocked by the news. We’ll have more details after this break... A commercial for fast food plays in the background.FRANK (suspicious) Moose?...MOOSE What?FRANK I thought we decided that we always worked as a team.MOOSE Yeah, we’re a team, Frank.
50. Frank stares at him.MOOSE What?FRANK Did you?... Frank motions with his head to the TV and Moose studies the television screen.MOOSE Why would I...eat fast food?GIRLFRIEND I love french fries.FRANK Uh, Moose. Remember the language that we made up when we were kids?MOOSE Yeah? Moose looks at Frank’s girlfriend.MOOSE Oh, yeah! I mean, why would someone burn the marshmallow when they could just eat them?GIRLFRIEND I love burnt marshmallows.MOOSE Ugh. That’s disgusting. I like my marshmallows raw.FRANK Well, what if you were trying to eat your marshmallow raw when you accidentally dropped it in the fire?MOOSE I would cry.GIRLFRIEND You’re a sensitive one, Moose.FRANK Is that what happened though? You accidentally dropped it in the fire? Moose looks at the TV and back at Frank.
51.MOOSE (indignant) No, Frank. We’re a team.FRANK Sorry, man. Just checking.MOOSE I’m hungry.FRANK Raw marshmallows sound good right about now. Frank and Moose turn a hungry eye on Girlfriend Du Jour who is watching TV. Finally, she feels their stare and returns it.GIRLFRIEND What? They turn back to the news.TV The federal investigation surrounding the murder victim concerns the financial transactions that may point to Congressional bribes meant to stop the environmental bill that is up for a vote next week. The bill would transition renewable energy resources into a more prominent... Frank turns off the TV.FRANK That’s what we should have served Constance on a platter--raw marshmallows before someone else got to him first with the torch. Maybe then she would’ve been happy.MOOSE Yeah.GIRLFRIEND I’ve never really thought of marshmallows in terms of male of female. I would consider them it-s. The door opens and Rich leans casually against the door frame.RICH Is Constance around?
52.FRANK Do you need me to teach you how to knock?RICH Do you know how to teach me? Moose stands up.RICH Alright, alright. My bad.FRANK It’s alright, Moose. Moose sits down and Frank offers Rich the joint. Rich gladly accepts.FRANK (without looking behind him) You wanna shut the door? Rich goes to shut the door when FRANKENSTEIN appears in the doorway, arms outstretched.FRANKENSTEIN Ungh!RICH What the... Frank looks behind him.FRANK The party’s next door. Frankenstein exits and Rich closes the door.FRANK So, you smoke in your cult?RICH It’s not a cult.FRANK Isn’t that what everyone in a cult says?RICH It’s not a cult. We are like a race of oppressed people--like the Native Americans--and we are subject to different laws...
53.FRANK What laws?RICH And if we want to smoke... Rich looks at the joint in his hand and contemplates the taste.FRANK ’Fruity Pebbles’.RICH ...if we want to smoke ’Fruity Pebbles’ like the Native Americans...FRANK I think they smoke peyote.RICH That too. (beat) Have you ever thought about how easy it would be to grow your own stash? It’s a plant that grows naturally in Mother Earth. How can they make something illegal that is natural? Then they push their alcohol and their prescription drugs...GIRLFRIEND Those are fun too...RICH All I need is the green, but corporate America tells me that I can’t have what I want.FRANK Actually, it’s Congress that tells you...RICH Who is run by rotting corporate America, their dirty hands in the pockets of almost every Congress member.FRANK That’s kind of a jump. I was with you for the most part until we arrived in conspiracy theory land.RICH You can grow it in the ground, for God’s sake! Suzy Homemaker herself could grow it in the ground and smoke for appetite stimulation...
54.FRANK I don’t know that Suzy Homemaker needs any more help stimulating her appetite. Girlfriend slaps Frank on the arm.RICH You can use the leaves medicinally to take away the sting of the bee... Girlfriend Du Jour reaches for the "finger food" on the coffee table left behind from dinner.GIRLFRIEND That’s actually tobacco. Frank tries to stop her.FRANK Don’t eat that...it’s... Girlfriend Du Jour pops it in her mouth and speaks while chewing.GIRLFRIEND It’s what? Rich is amused.FRANK It’s...mine. That’s okay--have as much as you want. (beat) Is it good?GIRLFRIEND Tastes like chicken, obviously.RICH The point is that Uncle Sam can’t make money off of Mary Jane grown naturally which is exactly why he objects so strenuously, why more than half of our newly privatized prisons are filled with the detritus of drug convictions--How can anybody make money off of pot?GIRLFRIEND Drugs can be dangerous. People get addicted.RICH People are addicted to food, a life sustaining resource. People are addicted to wasting the Earth’s precious resources. To money.
55.FRANK Not to sidetrack from this argument that has careened from one end of the spectrum to the other, but what’s so wrong with making money?RICH What’s so wrong with making money?!GIRLFRIEND God, Frank, you sound like my eighty year old granddad.RICH I can’t believe that you and Constance are related. She told me that she was the outcast of the family... Enter Constance.CONSTANCE Rich!RICH You are just the girl that I was looking for.CONSTANCE You-- (she points at Frank) Out. Frank and Moose rise. Frank’s Girlfriend Du Jour falls out of Frank’s lap, landing on her feet.GIRLFRIEND She just points and we leave?FRANK We have a Halloween party to attend anyway.RICH What are you going as? Frank looks back as the threesome leave.FRANK Zombies. They exit. Constance and Rich look at each other for a moment until the magnetic force between them quickly sucks them together and they kiss.
56. The couple, still locked in an embrace, make their way across the stage where they collapse on the bed. Rich begins to take off Constance’s shirt and she stops him.CONSTANCE Wait. We need to talk. Rich hovers, dazed.CONSTANCE Never mind. She latches onto Rich again, but he pulls away this time.RICH No, you’re right. We need to talk.CONSTANCE RICH There’s something I Listen, you should need... know...RICH Sorry, you first.CONSTANCE No, you...RICH You go ahead.CONSTANCE Well, maybe you should...CONSTANCE RICH I’m a I’m an zombie... you’re eco-warrior...you’re a what? what? They both look at each other, unsure as to who should speak first.CONSTANCE Did you say you’re an eco-warrior?RICH I’m genuinely opening myself up to you and you are joking around.
57.CONSTANCE I am a zombie. What does that mean--you are an eco-warrior?RICH E-R-P-...We are eco-warriors. We are responsible for the eradication of oil man and code-red threat to the environment, Robert Ward.CONSTANCE E-R-P-...as in the environmental group that I just joined?RICH Yeah. I told you that we meant business, Constance. It’s a war and there are distinct sides...CONSTANCE What does that mean-eradication. What are we talking about exactly?RICH I burnt him alive when he came to give a talk to the business school and then I dropped his burnt body in his mansion.CONSTANCE So, you mean the word as in its traditional definition.RICH Yeah.CONSTANCE As in, murder.RICH It’s not murder when we are at war.CONSTANCE Then what is it?RICH (shrugs) Justice. Rich stares at her. Constance turns her back to him.CONSTANCE Great. Just great.
58. Frank and Moose enter accompanied by Girlfriend Du Jour. Behind them are random party guests from next door, one of which is dressed as a DEAD PRESIDENT. The GHOSTFACE KILLER (from "Scream") is talking on a cell phone and misses the door. Frank grabs Ghostface and directs her inside the room. Rich is still focused only on Constance.RICH (sarcastically) And you are a zombie.FRANK (pointing at the costumed guests) And a killer, a ruler of the free world, and a hot lay. The interlopers gather around the coffee table where Dead President pours a bag of cocaine and cuts it up with a credit card.CONSTANCE I guess we’re all killers. (beat) I can’t believe you waited until after we slept together to tell me this. Frank’s attention is diverted from the group to the simultaneous conversation.RICH I am trying to let you into my world...FRANK What’s going on with you folks? You look like you’re having too serious a discussion for a Halloween party.CONSTANCE Rich was just telling me that he is an environmental terrorist... Rich and Moose laugh.RICH Constance!CONSTANCE And I was just telling Rich that we are zombies. Frank crosses to Constance followed closely by Moose.
59.FRANK Constance, what are you doing?CONSTANCE I am trying to tell Rich that I am a zombie but he doesn’t believe me. Go figure. Who would? The party goers look on with interest while they take turns snorting cocaine.CONSTANCE Look, Rich... Constance shows Rich the crude stitches in her hand. He grimaces. The paper cut you gave me today. I am going to have that as a reminder of you for the rest of my...well, forever. It will always be there because it can never heal. Constance crosses to the bed and kneels.CONSTANCE I can show you our version of murder... Frank runs to intercept her and blocks beneath the bed.CONSTANCE Different from yours, but not by much.FRANK Hey, Constance. Ha ha.CONSTANCE What have we got to hide from Rich? He’s a murderer--like us. (loudly) We are just the same.RICH Listen, Constance, I know you’re angry...CONSTANCE (yelling) I’ve never been so calm! The party goers go to leave but Moose blocks the door.RICH (placating) So, you’re zombies? I believe you.
60. The party goers begin to twitter and panic. Moose knocks their heads together and they fall unconscious to the floor.MOOSE Can we eat yet, Frank?FRANK Hold on, Moose... Rich surveys the unconscious party goers and looks between the three zombies, now bathed in a sickly green light. He points at Constance, dazed.RICH Funny, I never noticed...CONSTANCE Never noticed what, Rich? The stench of death that constantly surrounds me? I can’t get away from it. It fills my nose. I’m surprised I never smelled it on you... Constance turns away from Rich and walks downstage.CONSTANCE I’m such an idiot! Here I am thinking that I could have a normal life--with you, the murderer.RICH Constance, I’m not a murderer. It’s war...CONSTANCE You are a terrorist murdering madman, like me. (Rich kneels) It’s all the same, to take a life. It doesn’t matter what the justification is, whose side you are on, how you have to survive. We are all killers. (she gestures to those in the room) Just like my father and my mother and my brother and Moose. Sick and twisted fucking life. I wanted better than this, and I deserved better than this. I thought I was going to disappear into your little fucking cult...RICH It’s not a cult...CONSTANCE Shut up! And we were going to change the world. And I was never going to see my family again. Moose bows his head.
61.CONSTANCE But how can you change the world when you are just like it? When the world is just like you? When you look into the horror and terror and darkness that is life and all you see is yourself? Moose starts crying pitifully.CONSTANCE And you. You! (she points at Frank vehemently) You who have kept me alive when all I want is to die. Can’t you see how unhappy I am? If you would just leave me be...FRANK I love you, Connie. I can’t imagine the world without you and I’m not going to let you decompose for infinity. (softly) You can’t die, Constance. You’re already dead.RICH Make me one. They all look at Rich, still on his knees.RICH Make me a zombie. You can do that, right? You just take a bite. Think about it, Constance. We could have it all, just like you want. We can change the world together.CONSTANCE Change the world into what? Zombies? I know the best way to change the world at this moment--I’ll rid the world of you! Constance screams and begins to devour Rich. After a moment, Moose speaks.MOOSE Hey, Constance got us dinner this time.FRANK It’s a first. Lights out.
62. Scene 4 The next day in the afternoon. The sun shines brightly into the dorm room illuminating a sleeping Constance splayed across the bed. Her mouth, collar, and hands are covered in blood and there is a pool of blood in the center of the room where Rich used to be. A commotion is heard outside just before the family bustles in the door together. Father, Mother, Frank, and Moose are dressed in their Sunday best.DAD There’s my girl.MOM What a blessed mess.DAD This is the picture of a meal well-savored.FRANK She ate every last bit of him.MOM I’m not surprised. She’s been practically starving herself lately, not that she ever had much of an appetite...a little blood here, a finger there...FRANK It’s been getting more severe. She must have been famished.DAD There hasn’t been anyone particularly appealing to her to eat until now.MOM She is a finicky eater.DAD But now she’s finding her appetite. She’s finding herself. (wipes eyes) My little girl is growing up. Constance rouses from her deep sleep. She sits up, blinking.
63.MOM Good morning, Sunshine.DAD That’s my girl. They both kiss her on the head.CONSTANCE Mom? Dad? What are y’all doing here?MOM Your brother called us with the good news and we were on our way back from the convention. We thought we’d stop by and celebrate. Are we allowed to see our children twice in one weekend? Or is that not coool?DAD I have a special treat planned for lunch.MOOSE I’m hungry.MOM You’re always hungry, Moose. (she pats him on the back) I’m hungry too.FRANK But we had a fresh lunch prepared for you this time. Frank opens the closet door to reveal The Ghostface Killer and the Dead President standing stuffed inside, chained to the clothing rod. They scream. Frank shuts the door.MOM Oh, honey, that is so sweet. (to Dad) Isn’t that sweet, Dear? Constance might not be the only one growing up.DAD Well then we have to celebrate multiple victories today: the day that Frank thought of his parents for once and Constance’s first kill. No, you kids save those for leftovers this week. I have something special in mind. A veritable feast. How about we let Constance get ready.MOM I’ll help. You boys go wander around for a moment.
64. The men exit. Constance looks at her hands and collar and gets up to fetch a towel to clean herself up. Mom looks down on the pool of blood on the floor.MOM This would be a nice treat on the trip back for your father and I. (beat) Unless you would rather save it for later. Constance groans.MOM I’ll put it in your mini-fridge.CONSTANCE No...MOM Alright. Thank you. Mom pulls a large Ziploc bag from her tote that contains an equally large sponge. She soaks up the blood.MOM It’s a sentimental moment for your father and I--your first kill. It’s really taken so long that we wondered if it ever would happen. She puts the sponge in the Ziploc bag and puts in back in her purse.MOM We really need to get you a rug. You can roll it out of the way when you’re ready to eat and then roll it back when you’re done and voila--no mess.CONSTANCE Mom, what was it like when you weren’t a zombie?MOM What?CONSTANCE What did it feel like to be human?MOM Honey, you are human.
65.CONSTANCE I’ve never been only human...what did it feel like to be alive? To live without the...need for human flesh? What did it feel like?MOM Well, honey, it felt exactly the same, I guess. We did everything exactly the same as we do now. Only our food source has changed. And yet somehow, I don’t remember food tasting as good... (she touches Constance’s hair) I know that it has been difficult for you--being different--but I think that maybe if you changed your perspective, you could see the glass as half full instead of half empty. Mom leads Constance to the couch to sit, taking the towel and cleaning the spots that Constance has missed.MOM You think that being human entails some kind of purpose that gives your life meaning by virtue of mere humanity. But it doesn’t. Most people walk around the bulk of their short lives in a stupor. You want life to be fair, but it’s not. People are not equal, a fact that you have spent your life lamenting. Don’t waste your time on that fact anymore. What if you were better? What if this world was yours for the taking? Accept your place in life and your purpose will become clear to you that you are the king of earth...CONSTANCE Queen.MOM What?CONSTANCE I would be the queen of the earth.MOM Honey, stop getting stuck in semantics. There is no one more powerful than you.CONSTANCE I don’t want to be on top. I want to belong to something bigger and greater than me.MOM What’s bigger and greater than everything? Create any meaning you want.
66.CONSTANCE I can’t just choose meaning and put it on like a new outfit.MOM Why not? (beat) This little group you just joined, this environmental party...CONSTANCE Environmental group...Well, technically environmental terrorist group.MOM Why can’t you do that? There’s your meaning.CONSTANCE (whines) I just killed the leader!MOM So you be the leader. You need to start living up to your potential, Constance.CONSTANCE Me, the leader?MOM That’s the spirit.CONSTANCE But Dad will kill me... Mom stands up and walks over to what’s left of the blood stain on the floor.MOM Your father just likes to hear himself talk. We’ll buy a good cleaner while we’re out today. One that can get out anything. So, we need to get a table, a rug, a good cleaner.... There is a knock at the door.MOM Come in! The men enter.DAD You’re not ready yet.
67.CONSTANCE Yes, I am. Constance puts a sweater on over her clothes.CONSTANCE Good as new.DAD I remember your first kill, Frank.MOM It was so long ago.DAD Frank never had any problem with that.FRANK Just think, Moose. If I had spent the night at Timmy’s instead of your house, you wouldn’t be here today.CONSTANCE Well, technically, he would be here today--maybe not in this room--and his family would still be alive...MOM Half full, Constance.MOOSE You’re my family.DAD That’s the attitude, Moose.FRANK I applaud your choice in killing Rich--he was a real douche.MOOSE Yeah, erp, erp, erp... Frank and Moose do the chicken dance.FRANK MOOSE Erp, erp, erp... Erp, erp, erp...MOM Why do they keep doing that, Constance? They stop.
68.FRANK Because Rich was the leader of an environmental activist group...CONSTANCE ...An environmental terrorist group...DAD They sound like socialists...MOM Now, Constance, I hope you’re not following in your brother’s footsteps and eating perfectly suitable romantic partners, are you? Your father and I want grandchildren someday. That goes for you too, Frank.MOOSE What about me? Mom ruffles Moose’s hair.MOM You too, Moose.DAD I don’t think this Rich character sounds anything close to suitable for marriage material. I don’t want a socialist in the family!FRANK He was a douche.CONSTANCE I don’t know what happened. We were dating and then this anger took over me and the next thing I knew, I was attacking him. I thought I loved him, and then I killed him...MOM That’s perfectly natural, darling. Your brother was just the same during his first kill.DAD Anger is an energy that you can harness, Constance. It’s a tough lesson to learn. (beat) Alright, what’s everybody in the mood for: Chinese, Mexican...American?FRANK I feel like something more refined.
69.MOM A wine and cheese crowd, perhaps? An art gallery? Constance faces the audience.CONSTANCE The theatre. Lights out. Lights up. Mom and Dad are poised menacingly over audience members in the front rows, teeth bared. Constance and Frank run with wide steps towards the back of the house with snarling mouths. Moose moves slowly with a stiff gait, his arms outstretched.MOOSE (loudly, menacingly) AAaaanngh! Lights out. The End