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Steve Vitto Positive Parenting One


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An overview of Positive Parenting
Strategies for raising children through positive approaches. Contains strategies for preventing and treating challenging behavior

Published in: Education
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Steve Vitto Positive Parenting One

  1. 1. POSITIVE PARENTING Steve Vitto's
  2. 2. What is Discipline? <ul><li>providing training that develops self-control, character, or orderliness and efficiency </li></ul><ul><li>to instruct or educate; to prepare by instruction; to train </li></ul><ul><li>to love, guide, nurture, & support </li></ul><ul><li>providing strategies that build community and relationships </li></ul><ul><li>focusing on self-control and sustained learning </li></ul><ul><li>viewing behavioral occurrences as opportunities to teach and support </li></ul>
  3. 3. &quot;...subjection to rule; submissiveness to control; to keep in subjection.&quot; It seems there are two schools of thought on what discipline is. One involves helping a person function more effectively in the world, and the other involves keeping a person doing what someone else wants him to do--as in slavery.” B.E. Penel PhD “… rarely have I heard the word discipline used to mean helping a child function more effectively in the world. The usual meaning involves finding ways to make the child do what the parents want him to do…” B.E. Penel PhD HISTORICALLY DISCIPLINE HAS HAD TWO DISTINCT MEANINGS:
  4. 4. Positive Behavioral Support <ul><li>Is a proactive, positive approach toward child behavior </li></ul><ul><li>Focuses on developing replacement skills </li></ul><ul><li>Focuses on sustained learning of social/behavior skills over time </li></ul><ul><li>Develops self control as opposed to externally controlling children </li></ul>
  5. 5. For Some Discipline Has Taken on Military Connotations <ul><li>“ He needs to do what he is told without </li></ul><ul><li>questioning…” </li></ul><ul><li>“ He needs to know who is in charge.” </li></ul><ul><li>“ He needs to learn that when he messes </li></ul><ul><li>up there are painful consequences.” </li></ul>
  6. 6. &quot;My vision is that all children are raised lovingly and non-violently and with discipline that motivates them through love, not through fear.” - Deborah Critzer, Positive Parenting  
  7. 7. Positive Guidance and Discipline
  8. 8. What I Will Learn <ul><li>A clearer understanding of discipline and appropriate limits. </li></ul><ul><li>Styles of parenting and individual parenting style. </li></ul><ul><li>Effective discipline techniques. </li></ul>
  9. 9. A Definition of Discipline <ul><li>Discipline is a set of rules that govern a person's behavior and conduct. </li></ul><ul><li>The process of shaping and molding a child’s attitudes and behaviors over the years. </li></ul>
  10. 10. Effective Discipline <ul><li>Teaches </li></ul><ul><ul><li>What to do </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Problem-solving </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Appropriate interactions </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Self-discipline </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Promotes growth </li></ul><ul><li>Enhances self concept </li></ul><ul><li>Helps children internalize </li></ul>
  11. 11. A Definition of Punishment <ul><li>Punishment </li></ul><ul><li>defined as imposing external controls by force on children to change their behavior. </li></ul>
  12. 12. Types of Punishment <ul><li>Inflicting pain </li></ul><ul><li>Imposing suffering </li></ul><ul><li>Enforcing unrelated penalties </li></ul><ul><li>Personal or emotional attacks </li></ul>
  13. 13. Why P u n i s h ? <ul><li>The misbehavior often stops immediately </li></ul><ul><li>Children often show remorse during punishment </li></ul><ul><li>The parent gets to blow off steam </li></ul><ul><li>The parent feels in control </li></ul><ul><li>The parent hasn't let the children &quot;get away with it&quot; </li></ul><ul><li>The parent was raised that way </li></ul>
  14. 14. Which Parenting Style Are You?
  15. 15. Strict <ul><li>Demands continuously </li></ul><ul><li>Punishes harshly </li></ul><ul><li>Values obedience </li></ul><ul><li>Discourages independence and individuality </li></ul><ul><li>Exercises physical punishment </li></ul><ul><li>Resorts to yelling and threatening </li></ul><ul><li>Does not allow reasonable choices to the child </li></ul>
  16. 16. The Child Raised in a Strict Home <ul><li>May lack spontaneity, curiosity and creativity </li></ul><ul><li>Often have limited independence and assertiveness </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t learn how to decide for themselves </li></ul><ul><li>Not sure how to behave and depend instead on others for their sense of control </li></ul><ul><li>May have low self-esteem </li></ul><ul><li>May be aggressive and defiant </li></ul>
  17. 17. Permissive <ul><li>Sets no guidelines </li></ul><ul><li>Asserts no authority </li></ul><ul><li>Remains distant </li></ul><ul><li>Remains uninvolved </li></ul><ul><li>Uses excuses for not spending quality time with child </li></ul><ul><li>Gives the child too much </li></ul><ul><li>Low on making demands </li></ul><ul><li>Have little structure </li></ul><ul><li>Parent who is substance abuser or immature </li></ul>
  18. 18. The Child Raised in a Permissive Home <ul><li>Learns little self-control </li></ul><ul><li>Immature </li></ul><ul><li>May be aggressive at home </li></ul><ul><li>May behave irresponsibly </li></ul><ul><li>Low self-esteem </li></ul><ul><li>Delayed emotional development </li></ul><ul><li>Little ability to handle frustrations </li></ul><ul><li>School skippers </li></ul><ul><li>Turn to Drugs </li></ul><ul><li>May Break Law in their search for attention </li></ul>
  19. 19. Moderate <ul><li>Sets reasonable standards </li></ul><ul><li>Has reasonable expectations </li></ul><ul><li>Encourages independence and individuality </li></ul><ul><li>Enforces rules firmly and consistently </li></ul><ul><li>Allows choices </li></ul><ul><li>Builds a more democratic relationship </li></ul><ul><li>Recognizes individual rights </li></ul>
  20. 20. The Child Raised in a Moderate/Flexible Home <ul><li>Responsible </li></ul><ul><li>Independent </li></ul><ul><li>High self-esteem and confidence </li></ul><ul><li>Better able to control their aggression </li></ul>
  21. 21. Ages and Stages of Children <ul><li>understand your child's major job at different ages. </li></ul><ul><li>not expect too much from your child too soon (like expecting a three-year old to tie his shoes) </li></ul><ul><li>prevent serious problems </li></ul><ul><li>provide safe ways for your child to do her job and be ready to move on to the next stage. </li></ul>Knowing Ages and Stages Helps you
  22. 22. Reasons Children Misbehave <ul><li>Attention </li></ul><ul><li>Power </li></ul><ul><li>Revenge </li></ul><ul><li>Inadequacy </li></ul>
  23. 23. Steps in Positive Discipline <ul><li>Ignore minor, irritating behavior </li></ul><ul><li>Praise and reward positive behavior </li></ul><ul><li>Be specific with praise </li></ul><ul><li>Work with the child to set basic rules </li></ul><ul><li>Decide together what consequences will result from breaking the rules </li></ul><ul><li>Use consequences consistently and calmly when rules are broken </li></ul>
  24. 24. Discipline Techniques <ul><li>Anticipate trouble </li></ul><ul><li>Give gentle reminders early </li></ul><ul><li>Offer choices </li></ul><ul><li>Overlook small annoyances </li></ul>
  25. 25. Discipline Techniques <ul><li>Fix-up </li></ul><ul><li>Ignore </li></ul><ul><li>Be Firm </li></ul><ul><li>Stay in control </li></ul><ul><li>Separation </li></ul><ul><li>Behavior management </li></ul><ul><li>Redirection </li></ul><ul><li>Praise </li></ul>
  26. 26. What is it they really need from you? <ul><li>I tried to teach my child with books </li></ul><ul><li>He only gave me puzzled looks </li></ul><ul><li>  </li></ul><ul><li>I tried to teach my child with words </li></ul><ul><li>They passed him by often unheard </li></ul><ul><li>Despairingly I turned aside </li></ul><ul><li>&quot;How shall I teach this child?&quot; I cried </li></ul><ul><li>  </li></ul><ul><li>Into my hand, he put the key </li></ul><ul><li>&quot;Come, he said, play with me.&quot; </li></ul>
  27. 27. Parenting styles and consequent effects on children Would you describe your own parents as strict? What does that mean? Authoritarian parenting style – “My house, my rules.” Strict and punitive. Permissive-neglectful – The parents own lives are far more important than are the children. Lets the child do whatever s/he pleases mainly because the parent does not want to take time with the child. Permissive-indulgent – Highly involved with the child but places very few demands on the child; high belief in basic goodness of the child and belief that the child does not need controls in order to grow into a good and competent individual; “hippy” style of parenting. Authoritative (democratic) – Controls and rules are in place, but they are not enforced capriciously (at the whim of the parent); rules are explained and are open to debate in the family; once decided, however, all family members are expected to observe the rules. Parents show warmth to children and are supportive (always “there for them”). As you might suspect, most parents use combinations of these styles and may vary from time-to-time and from child-to-child.
  28. 28. Consequences (from research) of the various parenting styles: Authoritarian – strict childrearing is associated with moderate school performance (grades of “C” and “B”) relatively lower creativity relatively lower involvement in problems behaviors poorer social skills lower self-esteem higher levels of depression Permissive-neglectful – children perform lowest in all categories Permissive-indulgent – a mixed bag of results most likely to be involved in problem behaviors perform less well in school, but high creativity higher self-esteem lower levels of depression may have good social skills, but unrealistic expectations of peers and others Authoritative – children perform highest in all categories
  29. 29. Discipline vs. punishment vs. abuse Discipline - training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement (Webster); disciple – one who follows the teaching of another. Punishment – a penalty imposed for wrongdoing; rough handling; mistreatment. Abuse – maltreatment; excessive use of punishment; exploitation. Rather obviously, we want to be using discipline—teaching the child. Punishment is less desirable and unnecessary. Of course, natural consequences may seem like punishment, but they are not the same. Most (about 90-95%) of psychologists agree that corporal punishment should not be used with children. For example, out of several hundred psychology textbooks I have used or reviewed, not a single one has ever taken a position that corporal punishment is a recommendable practice. Yet 70 – 90% of parents have spanked their children. Why?
  30. 30. <ul><li>Why do so many parents (in the United States) spank? </li></ul><ul><li>We tend to repeat what we know and have experienced. </li></ul><ul><li>Cultural myth that strict (authoritarian) approaches produce a better result. </li></ul><ul><li>Some cultures strongly feel that spanking is absolutely necessary. </li></ul><ul><li>Most people don’t really care what psychologists think. </li></ul><ul><li>Spanking provides satisfaction for the parent; release of frustration. “I hear that psychologists say this spanking will not help you, but by golly, it will make me feel better.” </li></ul><ul><li>Spanking does produce an immediate, short-term suppression of the problem behavior </li></ul>
  31. 31. <ul><li>The case against punishment: </li></ul><ul><li>The punishing parent provides a model of using aggression to attempt to control the behavior of another person; the child may imitate this and attempt to control the behavior of others with aggression. </li></ul><ul><li>The child will come to fear a punishing parent. Control with fear may seem to be a good idea to some persons, but clearly, it is a form of authoritarian parenting. </li></ul><ul><li>Punishment tells children what not to do rather than what to do. Positive reinforcement tells the child what to do, explanation tells the child what to do, and, most important and most effective, the child learns what to do by watching what the parent does. </li></ul><ul><li>Use of punishment continues a national culture of violence and use of force to resolve differences. </li></ul>
  32. 32. <ul><li>Child abuse and neglect: Various issues of definition, statistics, etc. </li></ul><ul><li>Due to issues of definition and reporting, it is not clear if rates of child abuse are higher today, lower, or about the same. </li></ul><ul><li>But, it is clear that there has been child abuse throughout history, and it does continue today. </li></ul><ul><li>Which of these is “child abuse” by your definition? </li></ul><ul><li>a. Spanking a young child on his/her hand </li></ul><ul><li>b. Spanking a young child on his/her bottom </li></ul><ul><li>c. Slapping a young child’s face </li></ul><ul><li>d. Slapping a young child’s face three times in a row </li></ul><ul><li>e. Pinching a young child on the arm enough to make the child cry </li></ul><ul><li>f. Pushing the child down onto the floor from a standing position </li></ul><ul><li>g. Yelling at a young child, “Stop that noise right now!” </li></ul><ul><li>h. Telling a young child, “You are being stupid! Stop that!.” </li></ul>
  33. 33. Child abuse comes in different forms: Physical abuse – where does spanking end and physical abuse begin? Emotional abuse – “You are stupid, I wish you had never been born.” Sexual abuse – even in this one, people debate the definitions Neglect – failure to provide for the basic needs of the child The point is: Opinions and judgments are heavily involved in child abuse statistics, ideas about what should be done about “abuse,” once defined, and in the interplay between scientific approaches and cases in courts.
  34. 34. Rates of child abuse – problems with statistics One things seems very clear: Rates of child abuse are considerably higher than is reflected in existing statistics. Reasons: Children do not feel that adults should be challenged. If an adult is doing something, no matter how extreme, the child’s tendency is to accept it as the way it is. There is still tremendous shame, guilt and fear associated with abuse and in making family abuse known to persons outside the family. This is especially true in sexual abuse cases. Although it is changing, there remains an ethic of minimal state intervention in private matters of home and family. Even persons who work abuse cases may become ambivalent about prosecuting abuse. They become painfully aware of the cold realities of available alternatives for the child.
  35. 35. People are not for hitting, And children are people too. --John Valusek, Wichita, KS http://
  36. 36. If you were abused as a child, are you doomed to be a bad parent or to abuse your children? The answer is no! No amount of maltreatment you received “dooms” you to anything. Only about one-third of persons who were abused go on to abuse their children, which is pretty close to the proportion of non-abused persons who abuse their children by some definition of abuse. Reminder of Burden’s rule of turn-around: If a child can have at least one warm, caring person in their life, it can undo a great deal of abuse at the hands of others (see page 280 in text). If you know a child whom you believe to be maltreated, Be a friend to the child—listen, be there for her/him Smile warmly at children; let them know you like them Give your time to youth activities— be a coach, a Scout Leader, a Sunday School teacher Be a child advocate—a trained volunteer position to help safeguard the best interests of the child .
  37. 37. Effects of divorce on children Time for one of John’s simple logic lessons: If the marriage is so stressful, so terrible, and so hopeless that there is constant strife, a lack of love in the home, and the child is constantly upset, then, obviously divorce is better than staying together. That having been said, divorce is not good for children. A wide variety of ill effects are correlationally related to divorce. It is much better to have two caregivers in a positive functional relationship. However, the majority of children of divorce do not have significant adjustment problems. If divorce is unavoidable, then some things can help the child(ren): Try to fight and discuss the impending divorce in private Never use the child as a pawn, and do not use custody threats as a weapon of power Try to remain friends as, much as possible, after the divorce Use classes and support groups for adjustment in the first two years after the divorce
  38. 38. <ul><li>How do children develop self-regulation and morality? </li></ul><ul><li>First, there has to be a sense of self </li></ul><ul><li>a theory of mind </li></ul><ul><li>some language development, and </li></ul><ul><li>some private speech (Vygotsky) </li></ul><ul><li>for morality, a sense of others </li></ul><ul><li>For morality, some degree of empathy </li></ul><ul><li>Remember: It is self -regulation. One cannot force the development of self-regulation, but one can teach it indirectly through the list above and especially through modeling. </li></ul>
  39. 39. <ul><li>How do children develop self-regulation and morality? </li></ul><ul><li>Suggestions for helping a child develop self-regulation: </li></ul><ul><li>First, get your own house in order </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Are you patient? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Are you impulsive? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Do you show empathy? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Do you listen to your child? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Are you primarily interested in power & control? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>In brief, are you an example of the type of person you want your child to be? </li></ul></ul>
  40. 40. How do children develop self-regulation and morality? Scenarios: Billy is 3 years; baby sister Felicia is 10 months. While changing Felicia, Billy demands you attention—now! A good response to Billy might be, “Sissy needs her diaper changed or it might hurt her. We don’t want Sissy to hurt do we?” (encourages empathy) Or, “ It is Sissy’s turn right now—she’s a baby. You’re a big boy. After I change Sissy, it will be your turn.” (builds norm of reciprocity) Or, (Ignoring Billy’s whining) “This is the way we change sister, will you help me. Help me, please, and then I will get your juice.” (involvement builds other-orientation) Don’t say: “Be quiet Billy, you’re being selfish. I am changing your sister now.” (focus on Billy’s faults)
  41. 41. <ul><li>How do children develop self-regulation and morality? </li></ul><ul><li>Teach tricks and techniques of self-regulation </li></ul><ul><ul><li>“ I know it’s hard to wait, let’s sing a song.” </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>“ If you can wait nicely, you may have extra.” </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>“ Let me show you how to get it yourself.” </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Lay the foundations of morality </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Teach principles of morality </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Reciprocity </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Turn-taking (fairness) </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Shift from external to internal regulation </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Don’t be afraid to use good old guilt </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Model the morals you want yourself </li></ul></ul></ul>
  42. 42. What is Not Positive Discipline? <ul><li>Approaches intended to hurt or cause discomfort </li></ul><ul><li>Leaving a child in the dark about natural or </li></ul><ul><li>logical consequences </li></ul><ul><li>Consequences that humiliate, degrade, or bully </li></ul><ul><li>Strategies leading to external control or “boss management” that do not involve guiding or teaching </li></ul><ul><li>Strategies based on revenge, retaliation, or “winning” a power struggle. </li></ul><ul><li>Cookbook approaches that fail to view children as </li></ul><ul><li>having unique learning styles and fail to focus on investing in community and relationships </li></ul><ul><li>View behavioral occurrences as an opportunity to punish or establish external control </li></ul>
  43. 43. What is Missing in “Cook Book” Approaches <ul><li>An emphasis on the uniqueness of each child </li></ul><ul><li>A focus on individual assessment and need </li></ul><ul><li>A focus on each child’s learning style and history </li></ul><ul><li>An admission that there are no quick fixes, no miracle cures, and no replacement for spending the time and effort that is required in developing a loving meaningful relationship with a child </li></ul><ul><li>An admission that the “true expert” is a person that realizes there is no one solution, no one path for all children </li></ul><ul><li>A realization that all behaviors meet needs and that each child’s needs is a unique balance of nature vs. nurture </li></ul>
  44. 44. What is the appeal of cook book approaches? <ul><li>Quick and easy </li></ul><ul><li>Make us feel good </li></ul><ul><li>Are convenient </li></ul><ul><li>Eliminate the confusion of using multiple approaches </li></ul><ul><li>Wrapped in a slick package </li></ul><ul><li>Are generally sold by a dynamic speaker </li></ul><ul><li>Are a great deal for the money </li></ul>
  45. 45. View of the Child <ul><li>POSITIVE NEGATIVE </li></ul><ul><li>- Inquisitive & Curious - Selfish and Manipulative </li></ul><ul><li>- Innocent and Naïve - Deceitful & Cunning </li></ul><ul><li>- A heart worth reaching -A “little demon” or “monster” </li></ul><ul><li>- Capable of self control -Need to be controlled </li></ul><ul><li>- Need for Autonomy -Need to be managed </li></ul><ul><li>-Can learn to process -Words and processing are a </li></ul><ul><li>and problem solve a waste of time </li></ul><ul><li>- Responds to love and - Responds to punishment and </li></ul><ul><li>relationship logical consequences </li></ul><ul><li>-Proactive - Reactive </li></ul><ul><li>“ The child learns best when “ He deserves,he is winning, he is </li></ul><ul><li>he is lead and supported getting way with …” </li></ul>
  46. 46. Positive Behavioral Supports for Parents <ul><li>Recognize that behaviors meet needs </li></ul><ul><li>Teach children healthy ways to meet needs </li></ul><ul><li>Demonstrate, model, and practice </li></ul><ul><li>Reinforce effort and celebrate accomplishments </li></ul><ul><li>Provide preventative environments </li></ul><ul><li>Provide consequences that teach and restore </li></ul>
  47. 47. Acknowledge Needs of Behavior <ul><li>Attention </li></ul><ul><li>Escape/Avoidance </li></ul><ul><li>Tangible </li></ul><ul><li>Power & Control </li></ul><ul><li>Anger/Frustration </li></ul><ul><li>Sensory </li></ul><ul><li>Love and Acceptance </li></ul>
  48. 48. Recommended Programs and Resources for Positive Parenting <ul><li>Positive Discipline </li></ul><ul><li>Discipline with Dignity </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>Effective Black Parenting Program </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>Positive Behavioral Supports </li></ul><ul><li>The Boys Town Curriculum </li></ul><ul><li>Video Training Series </li></ul>
  49. 49. Albert Schweitzer once said: &quot;There are three ways we teach our children. The first is by example; the second is by example; and the third is by example.&quot;
  50. 51. THE END A 2003 PBS PROJECT