SELF-AWARENESS ACROSS DEVELOPMENT Elementary Grades: Should be able to recognize and accurately label simple emotions such as sadness, anger, and happiness Middle School: Should be able to analyze factors that trigger their stress Accurately assessing one‟s own reactions. thoughts, feelings, interests, values, High School: Are expected to and strengths analyze how various expressions of Recognizing how they influence emotion affect other people. choices and actions Maintaining a well-grounded sense of self-confidence
SOCIAL AWARENESS ACROSS DEVELOPMENT Elementary Grades: Taking others‟ perspective and empathizing Should be able to with them identify verbal, physical, and Recognizing and appreciating individual situational cues indicating how and group similarities and differences others feel. Recognizing and using family, school, and Middle School: community resources Should be able to predict others‟ feelings and perspectives in various situations. High School: Should be able to evaluate their ability to empathize with others.
SELF-MANAGEMENT ACROSS DEVELOPMENT Elementary Grades: Children are expected to describe the steps of setting and working toward goals. Middle School: They should be able to set and make a plan to achieve a short-term personal or academic goal. Regulating one‟s emotions to handle stress, control impulses, and High School: persevere in overcoming obstacles Should be able to identify strategies to make use of available Setting and monitoring progress school and community resources and toward personal, academic and overcome obstacles in achieving a long-term religious goals goal. Expressing emotions appropriately
RELATIONSHIP SKILLS ACROSS DEVELOPMENT Elementary Grades: Should have an ability to describe approaches to making and keeping friends. Middle School: Are expected to demonstrate co- operation and team- work to promote group goals. Establishing and maintaining healthy and rewarding relationships based on High School: Are expected to cooperation evaluate uses of communication skills Resisting inappropriate social pressure; with peers, teachers, and family members. preventing, managing, and resolving interpersonal conflict Seeking help when needed
RESPONSIBLE DECISION-MAKING Making decisions based on consideration ACROSS DEVELOPMENT of: Elementary Grades: Ethical or halachic standards Should be able to Safety concerns identify a range of decisions they make Appropriate social norms at home and school. Respect for others, and Middle School: Likely consequences of various actions Should be able to evaluate strategies for resisting peer pressure Applying decision-making skills to social to engage in unsafe or and academic situations unethical activities. Contributing to the High School: well-being of one‟s Should be able to family, school and analyze how their current decision- community making affects their yeshiva, seminary, or college and career prospects
FAMILY LIFEOur first school for emotional learning
FAMILY LIFE Through family life, we learn how to: Feel about ourselves and how others will react to our feelings Think about these feelings and what choices we have in reacting Read and express hopes and fears
FAMILY LIFE This learning takes place: In what parents say and do In how adults treat each other When parents are emotionally competent in their own relationships, they are more capable of helping their children work through their emotional challenges.
EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT PARENTINGHow to be an “Emotion Coach”
THE DISMISSIVE PARENTWhat they aren’t Does NOT: Problem-solve with the child; believes that the passage of time will resolve most problems Feel certain about what to do with the child‟s emotions Show much interest in what the child is trying to communicate Like focusing on negative emotions; believes that it will “just make things worse” Likely have great awareness of emotions in self and others Focus much on the meaning of the emotion; more interested in how to get over them Feel that children‟s feelings count; believes that they are irrational
THE DISMISSIVE PARENTWhat they are Disengages from or ignores Feels uncomfortable, fearful, the child‟s feelings; treats anxious, annoyed, hurt or them as unimportant, trivial overwhelmed by the child‟s Wants the child‟s negative emotions; sees them as emotions to disappear demands to fix things quickly Believes that focusing on Believes negative emotions negative emotions will “just are harmful or toxic make things worse” Minimizes the child‟s Believes negative emotions feelings, downplaying the mean the child is not well- events that led to the adjusted, that they reflect emotion; may ridicule or badly on their parents make light of a child‟s Characteristically uses emotions distraction to shut down Fears being out-of-control child‟s emotions
THE DISMISSIVE PARENTEffects of this style on children They learn that their feelings are wrong, inappropriate, not valid. They may learn that there is something inherently wrong with them because of the way they feel. They may have difficulty regulating their own emotions
Jessica‟s motherJESSICA DUBROFF did not let her use negative words like “scared,” “fear,” and “the sadness.” She told reporters, “Children are fearless. That‟s their natural state until adults ingrained fear in them.” After Jessica‟s crash, her mother told the press, “I know what people want. Cheers. But I will not do that. Emotion is unnatural. There is something untruthful about it.”
THE DISAPPROVING PARENTWhat they are Displays many of the Dismissing Believes expression of negative Parent‟s behaviors, but in a emotions should be time-limited more negative way Believes negative emotions Judges and criticizes the child‟s reflect bad character traits and emotional expression need to be controlled Is over-aware of the need to set Believes the child uses negative limits on their children emotions to manipulate; this belief results in power struggles Emphasizes conformity to good standards of behavior; Is Believes emotions make people concerned with the child‟s week; children must be obedience to authority emotionally tough for survival Reprimands, disciplines, or Believes negative emotions are punish the child for emotional unproductive, a waste of time expression, whether the child is misbehaving or not
THE DISAPPROVING PARENTEffects of this style on children Same as the Dismissing style
THE LAISSEZ-FAIRE PARENTWhat they aren’t Does NOT: Offer much guidance on behavior Teach the child about emotions Set limits; is permissive Help children solve problems Teach problem-solving methods to the child
THE LAISSEZ-FAIRE PARENTWhat they are Freely accepts all emotional expression from the child Offers comfort to the child experiencing negative feelings Believes there is little you can do about negative emotions other than ride them out Believes that managing negative emotions is a matter of “hydraulics”; release the emotion and the work is done
THE LAISSEZ-FAIRE PARENTEffects of this style on children They don‟t want to regulate their emotions They have trouble concentrating, forming friendships, and getting along with other children
THE EMOTION COACHWhat they aren’t Is NOT: Confused or anxious about the child‟s emotional expression; knows what needs to be done Does NOT: Poke fun at or make light of the child‟s negative feelings Say how one should feel Feel he or she has to fix every problem for the child
THE EMOTION COACHWhat They Are Values the child‟s negative emotions as an opportunity for intimacy Can tolerate spending time with a sad, angry, or fearful child; does not become impatient with the emotion Is aware of and values his or her own emotions Sees the world of negative emotions as an important arena for parenting Is sensitive to the child‟s emotional states, even when they are subtle Respects the child‟s emotions
THE EMOTION COACHWhat They Are Uses emotional moments as a time to: Listen to the child Empathize with soothing words and affection Help the child label the emotion he or she is feeling Offer guidance on regulating emotions Set limits and teach acceptable expression of emotions Teach problem-solving skills
THE EMOTION COACHEffects of this style on children They learn to Trust their feelings Regulate their own emotions Solve problems Theyhave high self-esteem, learn well, get along well with others
Steps parents 5 KEY STEPS TO EMOTION COACHING commonly use to1. Being aware of the build empathy intochild‟s emotion relationships with their children, enhancing the children’s emotional 2. Recognizing the intelligence emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching 3. Listening empathically and validating the child‟s feelings 4. Helping the child verbally label emotions 5. Setting limits while helping the child problem- solve
SCENARIO #1 Eight-year-old Dovid comes in from the yard, looking dejected because the kids next door have refused to play with him. His father, Moishe, looks up from his sefer just long enough to say: Not again! Look, Dovid, you‟re a big kid now, not a baby. Don‟t get upset every time somebody gives you the cold shoulder. Just forget about it. Call one of your friends from school. Chazeryour Chumash, play on the computer.
SCENARIO #1 Tatty‟s right. I‟m acting like a baby. That‟s why the guys next door don‟t want to play with me. I wonder what‟s wrong with me. Why can‟t I just forget it like Tatty says? I‟m such a wimp! Nobody wants to be my friend.
SCENARIO #2 Moishe puts down the sefer, looks at Dovid, and says: You look kind of sad, Dovid. Tell me what‟s going on.
SCENARIO #2 If Moishe listens—really listens with an open heart—perhaps Dovid will come up with a different assessment of himself. The conversation might continue like this:
SCENARIO #2 Dovid: “Baruch and Shlomo won‟t let me play basketball with them.” Moishie: “I‟ll bet that hurt your feelings.” Dovid: “Yeah it did. It made me mad, too.” Moishie: “I can see that.” Dovid: “There‟s no reason why I can‟t shoot baskets with them.” Moishe: “Did you talk to them about it?” Dovid: “Nah, I don’t want to.” Moishe: “What do you want to do?” Dovid: “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just blow it off.” Moishe: “You think that’s a better idea?” Dovid: “Yeah, „cuz they‟ll probably change their minds tomorrow. I think I‟ll call one of my friends from school or do my chazara. Maybe I‟ll play on the computer.”
SCAFFOLDING SCENE: Mother finds her young daughter standing in front of a dog, screaming in fright (The daughter is in no physical danger) How should Mom handle this? What should she say/do?
PRACTICE EXAMPLEResponse #1 Response #2 (Hugging the child) “Now, now. That was “Shhh… Mommy‟s really scary wasn‟t it? I here, it‟s OK. know. It will be OK (Shoos the dog away) now. Mommy‟s got you. There, there. Let‟s tell that big doggie to go away. OK? Go away big doggie!” All the while hugging and soothing the child.
“Now, now. That The mother is SCAFFOLDING using the was really scary emotion as anopportunity wasn‟t it? I know. for intimacy and teaching It will be OK now. In this scenario, Mommy‟s got you. she is scaffoldingself- There, there. control by modeling it first Let‟s tell that big and then inviting the daughter to doggie to go away. join in problem- OK? solving Go away big As the girl gets older, the mother doggie!” can strip the scaffolding and All the while simply prompt the child (“What hugging and can you do to make the big soothing the child. doggie go away?”) rather than providing the solutions
DON’T BE TOO NEGATIVE Excessive criticism, humiliating comments, or mocking your child are destructive to parent-child communication and to children‟s self-esteem Examples: The “helicopter mom” Labeling Making the child the butt of jokes for other adults for
USE “SCAFFOLDING” AND PRAISE “Scaffolding” components: Give children just enough information to get started, talking in a slow, calm manner Wait for the child to do something right and offer specific praise for their action. Add just a little bit more instruction and repeat.
ADDITIONAL STRATEGIES Ignore your “parental agenda” Create a mental map of your child‟s daily life Avoid “siding with the enemy” Think about your child‟s situation in terms of similar adult situations Don‟t try to impose your solutions on your child‟s problems Empower your child by giving choices, respecting wishes
ADDITIONAL STRATEGIES (continued) Share in your child‟s dreams and fantasies Be honest with your child Use books and stories to build your child‟s emotional vocabulary Be patient with the process Understand your base of power as a parent Believe in the positive nature of human development
WHEN NOT TO BE AN EMOTION COACH When you‟re pressed for time When you have an audience When you are too upset or too tired for coaching to be productive When you need to address serious misbehavior When your child is “faking” an emotion to manipulate you
SAMPLE EXERCISE A child disappears in a large department store and the parents are very worried about the child. After a while, a clearly upset child is found by a store employee, who helps the child find the parent. Parent’s agenda: “You stupid child! I am so mad at you, I am never taking new shopping again.” Child’s feeling: Fear Right response: “you must have been so scared. I was scared, too. Come here and let me hold you for a while. Then let‟s talk over what happened.”
EXERCISE #1 A child comes home from school and says, “ I‟m never going back to school again! The teacher yelled at me in front of my friends!” Wrong response: “What did you do to make a teacher yell at you?” Parent’s agenda: Child’s feeling: Right response:
EXERCISE #2 In the bathtub, your child says, “I hate my brother. I wish he would be dead.” Wrong response: “That‟s a terrible thing to say. We don‟t talk that way in his house. You don‟t hate your brother. You love your brother. I never want to hear you say that again!” Parent’s agenda? Child’s feeling? Right response?
EXERCISE #3 Your child‟s friend is visiting. Your child says to the friend, “I don‟t want to share this toy with you. You can‟t play with it!” Wrong response: “What bad middos! You are selfish child. You have to learn to share!” Parent’s agenda? Child’s feeling? Right response?
SELECTED REFERENCES Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting, by John Gottman and Joan DeClaire. Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, by Daniel Goleman Parent Effectiveness Training, by Thomas Gordon