Editing Translation<br />“The Scared Elephant”<br />Translated by: Asama Sabra.<br />Edited by: Rawya Aljehani.<br />Course: LANE 462 Practicum in Language.<br />Instructor: Dr.Shadia Banjar.<br />Summer 1431-2010.<br />I will edit this translation and divide the mistakes and weaknesses according to:<br /><ul><li>Grammar.
Not the best choice”I prefer another word”. </li></ul>3- Punctuations.<br />4- Style “not smooth”. <br />5- Meaning.<br /><ul><li>Confusing” the structure of the sentence does not support the meaning, so the sentence needs to be restructured”.
Needs more clarifying by adding some details and words.
There were rabbits living near a fresh lake and eating from the grass beside it.
“Farm” is more general than ”plant”. “Farm” means if you farm an area of land, you grow crops or keep animals on it. ”plant” means: when you plant a seed, plant or tree, you put it into the ground so it will grow there.
“Kohlrabi” it is a kind of vegetables looks like cabbage but it is different kind.
[Meaning]: needs details to be clarified,”what happened to them” is addition.
The king of rabbits sat and next to him was an old rabbits, then he said to them:
[Meaning]: needs clarification “to them” is addition.
You saw what the elephants had done to our kids and our farm, so what do you think?
[Grammar]: the use of the tense >>> “see” should be in the past tense not present.
[Grammar]: noun and verb agreement + the use of the tense >>> “the elephants has done” >>>”elephants” is plural noun cannot take “has”; also the verb should be in the past tense not the present tense.
[Grammar]: number >>> “farms”, it is one farm not plural.
[Punctuation]: ?!. >>> It is a question, so it is only needs a question mark, no need for period after it.
Every rabbit started to tell what happened to him and wondered what rabbits can do for strong and huge animals like elephants.
[Word choice]: not the best choice >>> “complaining”>>> they were not complaining to someone, they all were on the same ship. Each one recounts with pain what happened to him.
[Word choice]: incorrect word >>> “asking” means as if they were waiting for an answer. “Wondering” describes their situation better.
[Punctuation]: ?!. >>>> It is not a question, period is enough.
[Style]: “elephants were strong and huge animals.” This sentence is a part of the previous sentence; they wondered what rabbits can do for strong and huge animals like elephants, so the idea cannot be divided into two sentences.
[Punctuation]: !! >>>> No reason to use it, period is what the sentence needs.
[Punctuation]: no need for period after exclumination mark >>> !.
And he said loudly: ya elephants, the moon --- he is angry with you.
[style]: it is one sentence why it is divided into two sentences.”The old rabbit went to the elephants land and climbed over a tree branch, so elephants could not step on him with their heavy feet. He called on them and said: "The Moon send me to you to tell you that he is angry because of you”.
[word choice]: not the best choice>>> called on means if you call on someone, you say publicly that you want them to do something or it means you pay them a short visit, so “said loudly” is better.
[word choice]: incorrect word >>>”he is angry because of you” >>”angry with you” is the correct word.
The elephants looked at the Moon and saw the clouds covering the Moon so they got scared and believed the old rabbit.
[Word choice]: incorrect word >>> moon’s face.
[meaning]: to clarify the meaning to whom they should apologize is better to write ”to him” than only “there”.
The elephants went to the lake and saw the reflection of the moon moving in the water because of the weaves, so that made them more scared than before.
[Word choice]: not the best word >>> they “went” somewhere, not “arrived”.
[word choice]: incorrect word >>> it is not the moon’ picture, it is the moon’s reflection on the lake.
[word choice]: not the best word >>>”moving” is more suitable here than “shaking”.
[word choice]: incorrect word >>> The elephants arrived to the lake and saw the picture of the Moon shaking in the water because of waves, and that made them more scared than before. The conjunct or “and” doesn’t give the sense of a result, when they saw the reflection of the moon moving on the water, the y got scared.”So” is the correct word.