A Professional Corporation
To: Corporate Interests, Inc.
From: Nathan Spewman, Mis-Informant
Re: Update on Operation Squash the Vote
Thanks for that huge bonus for my school infiltration assignment. It turned out to be a complete
success and I think I made a BFF. Her name is Bethany. She has a kitty named Ginger, loves the
color blue, and makes Glenn Beck look like a freaking pinko progressive. Thanks to her talent,
every snotnose at that school thinks that if Obamacare isn’t repealed, one thousand Unicorns will
die. Brilliant! I think we’ll all be working for her one day.
Anyhoo, thanks to that big wad of cash you threw me, I was able to finally afford that operation
I’ve been desperately needing – the operation of my own private jet. It’s the only way to
commute these days. I mean, have you driven on a highway lately? It’s like one big pothole.
Guatemala has smoother roads. Between you and me, I gotta hand it to Obama - spending a little
cash to fix them is a reasonable idea. But, if you want me to stop that too, I’m drawing up a
proposal to make seniors think that Obama is stealing the infrastructure funding directly out of
their Social Security checks. You are welcome in advance. For payment, I will accept one
helicopter - I need something for running quick errands around town.
My work on this next election is easier thanks to your deep pockets. Last time, when the people
were all hopped up on hope and change, those were dark days. I couldn’t spread a lie to save my
life. Even Sarah Palin wasn’t taken seriously back then.
This year, I’m blaming everything on one guy. The heavy work of undoing eight years of
economic damage may take time, but that’s not my problem, so I’ve got the lie machine cranked
up to 10. “Obama hasn’t done anything!” Check. “The GOP takeover is inevitable!” Check.
“John Boehner got his tan playing golf!” Double check.
Thanks to this groundwork, people are sitting around and complaining in bars, dorms, coffee
shops and around the dinner table. It’s almost like they’re afraid to vote! It’s as if they think the
voting booths are wired with a deadly electrical current... Whoa, I bet if I link this “voting booths
will electrocute you” idea to Obama’s Kenyan ancestry, this could really catch on! I’m on fire!
So, I’m going to continue my plan to trick the American people. Then, we can restore
government power to those who should really have it: you wonderful CEOs! After all, you’re the
ones with all the cash and brains. I mean, with all the ka-ching you and corporate donors from
overseas are pumping into front groups and Spewman LLC, we’ve got this thing nailed. You guys
deserve a round of applause... no, you deserve DOUBLE CORPORATE BONUSES this year!