The Perfect Church


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The Perfect Church for Everyone

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The Perfect Church

  1. 2. First Perfect Church of Rockville
  2. 3. Calendar of Events <ul><li>Service Times </li></ul><ul><li>Sunday Morning </li></ul><ul><li>6 am (for those who can’t wait to get to church) </li></ul><ul><li>7 am (for those wanting the rest of the day to play) </li></ul><ul><li>10 am (for those who want to get to the lunch buffet first but don’t want to get up too early) </li></ul><ul><li>11 am (for those who think this is the most religious time for a Sunday morning service) </li></ul><ul><li>12 pm (for those who can’t stand the 11 am group) </li></ul><ul><li>1 pm (for those who stayed out too late on Saturday night and couldn’t get up) </li></ul>
  3. 4. Calendar of Events <ul><li>Service Times </li></ul><ul><li>Sunday Evening </li></ul><ul><li>5 pm (for those who can’t wait to get back to church) </li></ul><ul><li>6 pm (for those whose naps lasted too long) </li></ul><ul><li>7 pm (for those who think that this is the most religious time for a Sunday evening service) </li></ul><ul><li>8 pm (for those who can’t stand the 7 pm group) </li></ul>
  4. 5. Calendar of Events <ul><li>Events </li></ul><ul><li>Monday </li></ul><ul><li>7 am - Silent prayer group meets </li></ul><ul><li>8 am - Vocal prayer group meets </li></ul><ul><li>9 am - Fervent prayer group meets </li></ul><ul><li>10 am - “Confess it and possess it” group meets </li></ul><ul><li>11 am - Cookies and coffee in the fellowship hall for those who don’t pray </li></ul>
  5. 6. Calendar of Events <ul><li>Events </li></ul><ul><li>Tuesday </li></ul><ul><li>7 am - 8 am “Cloth the Naked” group accepting clothing donations </li></ul><ul><li>8 am - 9 am “Feed the Hungry” group accepting food donations </li></ul><ul><li>9 am - 10 am “Save the Earth” group accepting oxygen and compost donations </li></ul><ul><li>10 am - 11 am Cookies and coffee in the fellowship hall for the uninvolved </li></ul>
  6. 7. Calendar of Events <ul><li>Events </li></ul><ul><li>Wednesday </li></ul><ul><li>7 am - 8 am “KJV” Bible study </li></ul><ul><li>8 am - 9 am “NIV” Bible study </li></ul><ul><li>9 am - 10 am “NLT” Bible study </li></ul><ul><li>10 am - 11 am “Message” Bible study </li></ul><ul><li>12 pm - 1 pm Lunch and passive conversation for those who aren’t sure that the Bible is accurate </li></ul><ul><li>1 pm - 5 pm “All Other Translations and Paraphrases” Bible study (all weapons must be left in the vestibule with the deacon on duty) </li></ul>
  7. 8. Calendar of Events <ul><li>Events </li></ul><ul><li>Wednesday Evening </li></ul><ul><li>7 pm - Evening service </li></ul><ul><li>(I know we’re going out on a limb by only having one service time, but by Wednesday night most of the church won’t even care or notice) </li></ul>
  8. 9. Calendar of Events <ul><li>Events </li></ul><ul><li>Thursday </li></ul><ul><li>No events (Thankfully) </li></ul><ul><li>Notice: </li></ul><ul><li>Those who have a guilt complex about not being in church every night of the week can come to the sanctuary for a time of quiet devotional. </li></ul><ul><li>However , cookies and coffee will be available for you in the fellowship hall afterwards. Please clean up your own mess (if it doesn’t offend you, that is). </li></ul>
  9. 10. Calendar of Events <ul><li>Events </li></ul><ul><li>Friday </li></ul><ul><li>6 pm - 7 pm “Traditional Worship Team” rehearsal </li></ul><ul><li>7 pm - 8 pm “Contemporary Worship Team” rehearsal </li></ul><ul><li>8 pm - 9 pm “Southern Gospel Worship Team” rehearsal </li></ul><ul><li>10pm - 11pm “Acapella Worship Team” rehearsal </li></ul><ul><li>Notice: </li></ul><ul><li>“ Silent Worship Team” need not meet for rehearsal </li></ul>
  10. 11. Calendar of Events <ul><li>Events </li></ul><ul><li>Saturday </li></ul><ul><li>8 am All church sports team members meet with your respective “Sports Pastor.” </li></ul><ul><li>Softball - “Minister of Softball,” </li></ul><ul><li>Basketball - “Minister of Basketball,” etc. </li></ul><ul><li>9 am - 12 pm Play hard, win at all costs for Christ, bring home trophies and above all, wear yourself out so you will be totally preoccupied and unresponsive in church on Sunday </li></ul>
  11. 12. Church Bulletin <ul><li>In order to meet the needs and desires of every church member and visitor, a set of earphones is available at each seat. This will allow you to hear the worship service style and prerecorded sermon of your choice. If a sermon would offend you, you can elect to listen to quiet music or nature sounds during the preaching. </li></ul>
  12. 13. Church Bulletin <ul><li>We have divided the sanctuary into 5 sections: </li></ul><ul><li>Section A - For “Traditional Worshipers” </li></ul><ul><li>Section B - For “Contemporary Worshipers” </li></ul><ul><li>Section C - For “Acapella Worshipers” </li></ul><ul><li>Section D - For “Silent Worshipers” </li></ul><ul><li>For those who find none of these forms of worship acceptable, cookies and coffee are available in the fellowship hall. </li></ul>
  13. 14. Church Bulletin <ul><li>Today’s Song List: </li></ul><ul><li>“ The Old Rugged Cross” (for those who like old hymns) </li></ul><ul><li>“ Be Thou My Vision” (for those who like really old hymns) </li></ul><ul><li>“ Onward Christian Soldiers” (for the militant Christians) </li></ul><ul><li>“ Peace in the Valley” (for the peaceful Christians) </li></ul>
  14. 15. Church Bulletin <ul><li>Today’s Song List (continued): </li></ul><ul><li>“ Father Abraham” (for the young Christians) </li></ul><ul><li>“ Every Move I Make” (for the teenage Christians) </li></ul><ul><li>“ As the Deer” (for the baby-boomer Christians) </li></ul><ul><li>“ Because He Lives” (for the golden years Christians) </li></ul>
  15. 16. Church Bulletin <ul><li>Today’s Sermon List: </li></ul><ul><li>“ Feeling Good About Yourself” by your friend, Steve </li></ul><ul><li>“ Jesus Christ, Our Hope in Glory” by Pastor Steve </li></ul><ul><li>“ Exponential Church Growth Through Proper Homiletics and Hermeneutics” by the Reverend Steven Lee Highlander, PThD. </li></ul><ul><li>“ Words of Wit and Wisdom” by Mark Twain </li></ul>
  16. 17. Church Marquee <ul><li>First Perfect Church </li></ul><ul><li>“ Offering </li></ul><ul><li>What You Want </li></ul><ul><li>When You Want It </li></ul><ul><li>How You Want It !” </li></ul><ul><li>(if that’s OK, or none of the above) </li></ul>
  17. 18. The End <ul><li>(that’s as far as I had guts enough to go) </li></ul>