Help for angry mums feb 2011


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Support for mums that feel stressed by their children

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Help for angry mums feb 2011

  1. 1. Help for Angry Mums Anger is a part of life. But when it gets out of control in a mother-child relationship, it can cause serious damage. All mums have moments of frustration when they speak or act harshly toward their children and later regret it. Warning signs. If you were raised to believe that feeling angry is wrong, you may have trouble even knowing you’re angry. Suppressed anger doesn’t just go away — it tends to show itself in a varietyof sneaky, destructive ways.Learning to recognize the physical and emotional signs of anger canhelp you gain control. Here are a few responses that could indicatethe onset of an explosion.• exhaustion• shallow breathing or holding one’s breath• tense muscles• tight jaws or clenched teeth• flushed feeling as your body temperature rises• flushed face and burst of energy caused by a rush of adrenaline• feelings of fear, helplessness, frustration or disappointment• a taste for sarcastic or biting humor• overcheerfulness• procrastination• boredomIf you’re struggling with your temper, ask yourself the followingquestions and write down the answers in a journal.
  2. 2. 1. What are some of the physical and emotional signals that let me know I’m going to blow? 2. In the past, what actions have helped me short-circuit my explosions? 3. Has anything changed in my life recently that makes me more vulnerable?Next time you have an explosion, write down what happened totrigger it. Think about how you might prevent a similar experience inthe future.Emotional abuse. Not all abuse is physical. Some of the most harmfulforms of abuse can occur without a hand being laid on a child. Aparent has the power to stunt her child’s emotional growth withwords and actions.While there is no universally accepted definition of emotional abuse, Ibelieve it is best described as “either a neglect of or an assault on achild’s mind and emotional needs.” Emotional abuse often meansplaying mind games of some sort. Four common manifestations ofemotional abuse are:1. Rejection. Repeatedly treating a child in a way that suggestsresentment, rejection or dislike2. Degradation. Insulting, ridiculing, name-calling and imitating in away that diminishes the identity, dignity and self-worth of the child3. Terror. Causing extreme fear; threatening to destroy a child’spossessions; threatening to leave or physically hurt a child4. Unresponsiveness. Failing to provide care in a sensitive andresponsive manner; being detached and uninvolved; ignoring a child’sattempt to interact; failing to show affection, care or love for a child
  3. 3. Many mothers have “unspeakable feelings” about their children.However, if you’re struggling with very strong urges to hurt your child— or if you fear you’re losing control — seek professional counselimmediately.Verbal abuse. Derogatory statements can severely damage a child’sself-esteem and dignity. What we say to our children always needs tobe carefully weighed. Here are some of the most common forms ofverbal abuse.Belittling (saying things that cause another person to seemunimportant): Can’t you button that coat right? You never get anything right. I can’t believe you did that with your hair! You look like an idiot. When are you going to learn to throw a decent pitch? Maybe if you had some decent muscles, you’d do better.Name-calling (using offensive names, especially to win an argumentor to communicate rejection or condemnation without objectiveconsideration of the facts): Only a complete dummy would fail to pass that test. I’ve never seen such a useless kid. Close your mouth and quit acting like such a jerk. You are such a mistake.Comparing (suggesting that one person doesn’t measure up toanother): Why can’t you be more like your brother? I never had as much trouble with your sister.Cursing (using profanity)
  4. 4. Shaming (implying that the other person is essentially unworthy oflove): I don’t even want people to know you’re my kid. You’re no good.Threatening (implying physical violence): I’d like to wring your neck. I’m going to kill you.Guilt (manipulating by accusing a person of malice): How could you do this to me? I guess you like hurting your little brother.Negative predictions (making verbal comments — marked byhostility, withdrawal or pessimism — that hinder or opposeconstructive response or development): You will never amount to anything. You’ll disappoint us just like your sister did. You’ll never change. Why bother trying? You’ll probably mess it up like always.Scapegoating (blaming others for one’s mistakes and failures): I wouldn’t have to yell so much if you kids acted better. You’re the only reason I’m stuck at home and miserable.Depression. Anger can be the sign of a deeper problem — depression.It’s important to be aware of the symptoms and seek help if you arestruggling in this area. If you are suffering from any of the followingsymptoms, please seek professional counsel. (This is not an all-
  5. 5. inclusive list.) If you have any questions or concerns, consult yourfamily doctor.• persistent sad, anxious or “empty” mood• feelings of hopelessness or pessimism• feelings of guilt, worthlessness or helplessness• loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were onceenjoyed, including intimacy• insomnia, early-morning awakening or oversleeping• loss of appetite or weight or both — or appetite increase and weightgain• decreased energy or fatigue• thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts• restlessness or irritability• difficulty concentrating, remembering things or making decisions• persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment —such as headaches, digestive disorders and chronic painHumor and forgiveness. Laughter and sincere apologies aretremendous remedies for relieving tension and healing relationships.advantage of the fact that children are funny. Let tension escapethrough a laugh instead of a tantrum. Cultivate the quality of yourhumor and teach it to your children. Read the funny papers together.Share silly jokes. Try to look for the humorous side of everydaydilemmas.
  6. 6. Another helpful remedy is sincere apologies. When you realize you’vemisdirected your anger toward your children, admit it. Explain whatyou’ve done and say you’re sorry.Consciously forgive your children for the things they do to make youangry. A lot of us harbor little grudges toward our children becausethey’re “always” doing something that upsets us.We can lessen stress and improve relationships when we choose toforgive our children. In your journal or in your prayers, specificallyname what bothers you and ask God to help you forgive. You maythen find that you need to ask your children for forgiveness.Source: