Sadly, this is from theonion.com well known for humor and sarcasm--
The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has issued a red alert due to increased brain waves of tranquility being beamed at U.S. cities and military installations.
To counter these "terrorist" acts, the Homeland Security Director has demanded that stores and business websites offer unparalleled discounts on selected items emphasizing materialism and appealing to greed. School across the country are now introducing a "one minute" Protestant Ethic meditation. The Director of Homeland Security explains, "If they think they have any advantage over us when it comes to mind control, then think again. Compassion and enlightenment are 'no match' for the power of the individual who seeks to attain liberation in the form of financial success and material comfort." Through chanting new government designed "Be Greed Now" mantras, hundreds of millions of Americans will stamp out mental clarity and detachment the way you squash a bug beneath your boot."