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Why NOT To Do a Startup
   … because You Will FAIL, Loser.



           Dave McClure
             500startups.com
               FailCon India
          Bangalore – Feb 2013
              @DaveMcClure
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL.

      #1: Yer a WANTrepreneur.
                       You’re in this for all the Wrong reasons:
                          You think it’s “So Fucking Cool” to do a startup
                          You want to make LOTS of Money.
                          You have Teh Awesome Technology Solution.

                       The Right Reasons:
                          You Live in Fear.
                          You Can’t Get Laid.
                          Something has been PISSING you off FOREVER.




YOU ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT [SOLVING] A [CUSTOMER]           PROBLEM
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL.

  #2: You are a FAT and LAZY SLOB

                   You’ve worked at Microsoft for >5 yrs.

                   You Drive a Nice Car & It’s Paid For.

                   You Live in a Big House.

                   You Don’t Worry About Paying Bills.

                   You Want to Kiss The Kids Goodnight.

                   You          Your Spouse > Your Startup.



            tip: Doing a Startup is a Lesson in Pain & Sacrifice.
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL.
        #3: You Have a BUSINESS PLAN,
        But No Product and No Customers.




Bullshit Revenue
Projection ----->
(up & to the right)
                         See: “Startup Metrics for Pirates”
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL.
  #4: Your Idea SUCKS
  (and even your Mom thinks so)
                          You Don’t Have a
                           Working Prototype.

                          Worse: Have Prototype,
                           But No One Uses It.

                          It Sucks a Lot More than
                           the Competition.



                    See: “Lean Startup (Ries) &
                    Customer Development (Blank)”
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL.
  #5: You Have Teh Awesome SOLUTION…
  to a PROBLEM that does not exist.




                             See: “Your Solution
                             Is Not My Problem”
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL.
  #6: You’re a LOSER, not a
  LEADER.
                 You Procrastinate. A Lot.

                 You’re not Charismatic.

                 You Get Beaten [Up] Regularly.

                 Your Vision is usually Wrong.

                 You’re Scared of Change.

                 When Other People Tell You That
                  You’re Wrong, You Believe Them.

                 …and you’re Ugly too, bitch.

                    Watch: “Kick-Ass” or “Glee”
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL.
  #7: Your Pitch Sucks & You Won’t Raise Money
  (or SuperAngels Collude to Screw You Over)

                            50 slides in your deck

                            Technical Jargon

                            Demo FAIL

                            Clueless Investors

                            EVIL Investors



                           See: “How To Pitch a VC”
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL.
  #8: Your Team Sucks, and You Have
  No Idea How to Hire (or Fire).

                No Technical Founders / Coders

                No Design / UX / Usability

                No Internet Mktg (Search, Social)

                No Mobile expertise

                No Enterprise Sales / Biz Dev

                No Recruiter, or They Suck… Bad.
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL.

  #9: CoFounders & Employees = Whiners.

                     You WILL miss a payroll.

                     Someone WILL eat last slice of pizza.

                     There WILL be Office Politics.

                     People WILL discover and compare
                      salary & stock options.

                     Someone WILL sue yer ass:
                        Sexual Harassment
                        Wrongful Termination
                        Unhappy Customer
                        Jealous Competitor
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL.

         #10: You Can’t Sell or Market 4 Shit.
                                        You Don’t Know Marketing.

                                        You Think Marketing = TechCrunch.

                                        You Don’t Know What SEO stands for.

                                        You Think SEM = SEO.

                                        You Don’t Know or Use Social Platforms
                                         (Facebook, Twitter, YouTube).

                                        You’ve never built Facebook or iPhone
                                         App, or a Social Game.

                                        You’ve never sent an email
See: “Startup-Marketing.com (Ellis)”     campaign, written a blog post, or run
                                         an affiliate marketing campaign.
DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL.
  #11: You’d Rather Change the Channel
  Than Change The World.

                      Wouldn’t you rather watch
                       Dabangg or T-20?

                      Sure you would, Loser.

                      Just relaaaaaxxxxxx.



                     Fuck.
                        That.

                          Noise.

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Why Not Do a Startup

  • 1. Why NOT To Do a Startup … because You Will FAIL, Loser. Dave McClure 500startups.com FailCon India Bangalore – Feb 2013 @DaveMcClure
  • 2. DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #1: Yer a WANTrepreneur.  You’re in this for all the Wrong reasons:  You think it’s “So Fucking Cool” to do a startup  You want to make LOTS of Money.  You have Teh Awesome Technology Solution.  The Right Reasons:  You Live in Fear.  You Can’t Get Laid.  Something has been PISSING you off FOREVER. YOU ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT [SOLVING] A [CUSTOMER] PROBLEM
  • 3. DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #2: You are a FAT and LAZY SLOB  You’ve worked at Microsoft for >5 yrs.  You Drive a Nice Car & It’s Paid For.  You Live in a Big House.  You Don’t Worry About Paying Bills.  You Want to Kiss The Kids Goodnight.  You Your Spouse > Your Startup. tip: Doing a Startup is a Lesson in Pain & Sacrifice.
  • 4. DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #3: You Have a BUSINESS PLAN, But No Product and No Customers. Bullshit Revenue Projection -----> (up & to the right) See: “Startup Metrics for Pirates”
  • 5. DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #4: Your Idea SUCKS (and even your Mom thinks so)  You Don’t Have a Working Prototype.  Worse: Have Prototype, But No One Uses It.  It Sucks a Lot More than the Competition. See: “Lean Startup (Ries) & Customer Development (Blank)”
  • 6. DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #5: You Have Teh Awesome SOLUTION… to a PROBLEM that does not exist. See: “Your Solution Is Not My Problem”
  • 7. DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #6: You’re a LOSER, not a LEADER.  You Procrastinate. A Lot.  You’re not Charismatic.  You Get Beaten [Up] Regularly.  Your Vision is usually Wrong.  You’re Scared of Change.  When Other People Tell You That You’re Wrong, You Believe Them.  …and you’re Ugly too, bitch. Watch: “Kick-Ass” or “Glee”
  • 8. DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #7: Your Pitch Sucks & You Won’t Raise Money (or SuperAngels Collude to Screw You Over)  50 slides in your deck  Technical Jargon  Demo FAIL  Clueless Investors  EVIL Investors See: “How To Pitch a VC”
  • 9. DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #8: Your Team Sucks, and You Have No Idea How to Hire (or Fire).  No Technical Founders / Coders  No Design / UX / Usability  No Internet Mktg (Search, Social)  No Mobile expertise  No Enterprise Sales / Biz Dev  No Recruiter, or They Suck… Bad.
  • 10. DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #9: CoFounders & Employees = Whiners.  You WILL miss a payroll.  Someone WILL eat last slice of pizza.  There WILL be Office Politics.  People WILL discover and compare salary & stock options.  Someone WILL sue yer ass:  Sexual Harassment  Wrongful Termination  Unhappy Customer  Jealous Competitor
  • 11. DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #10: You Can’t Sell or Market 4 Shit.  You Don’t Know Marketing.  You Think Marketing = TechCrunch.  You Don’t Know What SEO stands for.  You Think SEM = SEO.  You Don’t Know or Use Social Platforms (Facebook, Twitter, YouTube).  You’ve never built Facebook or iPhone App, or a Social Game.  You’ve never sent an email See: “Startup-Marketing.com (Ellis)” campaign, written a blog post, or run an affiliate marketing campaign.
  • 12. DON’T DO A STARTUP… YOU WILL FAIL. #11: You’d Rather Change the Channel Than Change The World.  Wouldn’t you rather watch Dabangg or T-20?  Sure you would, Loser.  Just relaaaaaxxxxxx. Fuck.  That. Noise.