This document discusses how to have difficult conversations as an engineer by acknowledging your own fears and checking your ego, recognizing the other person's fears and pride, communicating as equals focused on resolution, asking questions to understand the problem, avoiding defensiveness, and following up. Difficult conversations are made easier through practice rather than procrastination. Key tips include taking a deep breath, leaving jargon at the door, watching your body language, and building a toolbox of helpful metaphors.

1. Difficult Conversations
and the Engineer
(How to hug a porcupine)
Jonathan Davis (JD)
@subnetwork
jd@subnetwork.me

2. Just stating some facts of life:
You cannot avoid difficult conversations
Difficult conversations DO NOT become easier with
procrastination
Difficult conversations DO become easier with
practice

3. Why are difficult
conversations so…difficult?
Fear
Pride

4. Fear
Fear of the unknown
Fear of undeliverable expectations - Inability to
deliver the impossible
Fear of appearing incapable or ignorant
Fear of harming the relationship with the customer

5. Pride
If there is a problem with your design, there must be
a problem with you. Right???
Asking “What problems are you currently
experiencing?” Is easy when someone else
designed it and implemented it.

6. Dealing with Pride
Even if you are responsible for the original design,
three things have happened since the current
solution was implemented:
Technology changed
Customer requirements changed
You changed - new experience, new training

7. Bad Design Happens
You are not omniscient!
Talk about the problem, but focus on the resolution

8. HALT
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

9. FINE
F*cked Up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional
-Aerosmith

10. Have Empathy
Sometimes…It’s NOT about you.
Customer doesn’t understand technology - Fear
Customer is afraid of the cost - Fear
Customer is ashamed of how long they have
deferred a resolution - Pride
Customer is being pressured by their management -
Fear and Pride

11. Steps forward
Take a deep breath!

12. Strive towards resolution
Attempt to make every difficult conversation feel like
it is taking place between two equals with a focus on
resolution of the difficulty.

13. Watch your language
Leave the jargon at the door
Be careful what you are communicating with your
body language
Don’t use jargon or acronyms that haven’t been
discussed previously
This is easy to mess up due to our ego and habit

14. Build a metaphorical toolbox
of metaphors
DNS = phonebook
RF = artificial light
Omni antenna = Edison lightbulb
Patch antenna = flood light
Airtime contention = a full conference room having a
discussion

15. Ask lots of questions!
Ensure that the real problem is being discussed.
Discuss the elephant, not the mess the elephant is
making.

16. Don’t be defensive
Focus on the resolution
Stick to the facts
Follow-up and follow-through

17. Summary
Acknowledge your fear and check your ego
Recognize their fear and pride
Communicate as equals
Always work towards a resolution
Follow-up and follow-through

18. Difficult Conversations
and the Engineer
(How to hug a porcupine)
Jonathan Davis (JD)
@subnetwork
jd@subnetwork.me