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Contents
1. Cover
2. Title Page
3. Copyright Page
4. Dedication
5. Contents at a Glance
6. Contents
7. Acknowledgments
8. Part I Understanding Business Intelligence and Power BI
1. Chapter 1 How to Use This Book
1. The Tool Chest Called Power BI
1. The BI Process
2. Power BI Parts and Pieces
2. The Right Tool(s) for the Job
1. Consuming Power BI Reports
2. Power BI as a Data Visualization Tool
3. Power BI as a Modeling Tool
4. Power BI as a Data Warehouse/Data Mart
3. Where to Find What You Need
1. Obtaining Power BI Desktop Software
2. Sample Code and Supporting Materials
3. Information on Power BI New Features and
Enhancements
4. How to Succeed at Self-Service Analytics

2. Chapter 2 Successful Self-Service Analytics
1. What Is Business Intelligence?
1. Defining KPIs
2. Is Your Organization Ready for BI?
1. Desire
2. Realistic Expectations
3. Ongoing Care and Feeding
4. Well-Defined KPIs
5. Actionable KPIs
6. Reliable Sources of Data
3. Implementation: Best Practices
1. Take an Iterative Implementation Approach
2. Utilize a Data Warehouse/Data Mart
3. Cleanse and Validate During Data Gathering
4. Create User-Friendly Data Models
5. Publish Latency
6. Provide Training and Support
7. Use the Right Tool for the Job
8. Establish Standards and Limits
4. Successfully Using Power BI
9. Part II Interacting with Power BI
1. Chapter 3 Power BI Architecture
1. The Power BI Architecture
1. Power BI Desktop
2. The Power BI Service
3. The Power BI Report Server
4. The Power BI Mobile App

2. Power BI Desktop Optimizations
3. Power BI Updates
4. Microsoft On-premises Data Gateway
5. What Does the Data Have to Say?
2. Chapter 4 Using Power BI Visualizations
1. Power BI Desktop
1. Obtaining What You Need
2. Opening the Report/Preparing the Environment
2. Interacting with a Power BI Report
1. Working with a Single Report Item
2. Interacting with Multiple Report Items
3. Changing the Data with Slicers and Filters
1. Slicers
2. Filters
4. Navigating Power BI Reports
1. Drill Down and Drillthrough
2. Buttons
3. Bookmarks
4. Additional Data Interactions
5. A Cloudy Forecast
3. Chapter 5 Using the Power BI Service (PowerBI.com)
1. PowerBI.com
1. The Organization of PowerBI.com
2. Connecting to PowerBI.com
3. The Navigation Pane

2. Workspaces
1. Reports
2. Dashboards
3. Workbooks
4. Datasets
5. Dataflows
3. Additional Areas and Items Within PowerBI.com
1. Additional Navigation Pane Items
2. Additional Buttons
4. How It All Gets Made
10. Part III Creating Visualizations
1. Chapter 6 Basic Data Visualizations
1. Learn By Doing
1. Starting Point
2. Basic Visualizations
1. Maximum Miniatures Manufacturing
2. Our First Report Page
3. Text-based Visualizations
4. Graphical Visualizations
3. Interactivity
1. Slicers
2. Filters
3. Drillthrough
4. Geographic Visualizations

1. Bing Map Visualizations
2. Shape Map Visualizations
3. GIS Map Visualizations
5. Other Visual Elements
1. Text Boxes, Images, and Shapes
6. Fancy Formatting
2. Chapter 7 Visualization Formatting
1. The Visualization Format Tab
1. Report Page
2. All Items
3. Charts
4. Additional Chart Functional Groups
5. Table and Matrix
6. Card and Multi-row Card
7. Pie Chart, Donut Chart, Treemap, and Maps
8. Funnel
9. Gauge
10. KPI
11. Slicer
12. Button, Shape, and Image
2. Advanced Formatting Dialog Boxes
1. Conditional Formatting Advanced Controls
Dialog Box
2. Data Bars Advanced Controls Dialog Box
3. The Visualization Analytics Tab
1. Types of Analytics Lines
2. Controls for Editing Analytics Lines

4. Themes
5. New Ways to Interact and Visualize
3. Chapter 8 Advanced Interactivity and Custom Visualizations
1. Controlling Interactivity
1. Controlling Interactions
2. Synchronizing Slicers
2. Creating Interactivity
1. Custom Tooltips
2. Bookmarks
3. Selection Pane
4. Buttons
3. Customizing Visualizations
1. Custom Visualizations from the Marketplace
2. Custom Visualizations from R and Python
3. Creating a Custom Shape Map
4. Moving on to Modeling
11. Part IV Building Data Models
1. Chapter 9 Loading Data with Power BI
1. Gathering Data
1. Get Data
2. Power BI Connection Types
2. Transforming Data During the Data Import
1. The Power BI Query Editor
2. A New Sample: World Population

3. Repeating and Changing the Data Import
1. Refreshing Data in Power BI Desktop
2. Modifying Queries
3. The Advanced Editor and the Power Query
Formula Language
4. Data Source Permissions
4. Relationships and Intermediate Tables
1. Creating an Intermediate Table from a Data
Source
2. Manually Creating Intermediate Tables
5. Parameters
1. Putting Parameters to Use
6. Transformers
2. Chapter 10 Power BI Transformation Reference
1. Transformation Reference
1. Informational-Only Transformations
2. Transformations on the Query Editor Home
Tab
3. Transformations on the Query Editor
Transform Tab
4. Transformations on the Query Editor Add
Column Tab
2. Model Building
3. Chapter 11 Creating a Tabular Model in Power BI
1. Relationships

1. Creating Relationships
2. User-Friendly Models
1. Hiding Columns from the End User
2. Column Names and Descriptions
3. Formatting and Categories
1. One Final Relationship
2. Data Categories
3. Hierarchies, Groups, and Bins
4. Measuring Up
4. Chapter 12 Measures and Calculated Columns
1. Calculated Columns
1. Creating a Calculated Column
2. The Context for Calculated Columns
2. Measures
1. Default Summarization
2. Explicit Measures
3. Measures and Context
4. Defining Context Within a Measure
5. Time Analytics
6. Row-by-Row Calculations
7. The FILTER() Function
3. DAX Variables
1. Declaring DAX Variables and Assigning a
Value
2. Using a DAX Variable
3. Using Return in a Measure

4. Everything DAX
5. Chapter 13 DAX Language Reference
1. DAX Operators
1. Comparison Operators
2. Arithmetic Operators
3. Text Operator
4. Logical Operators
2. DAX Functions
1. Modifying Context
2. Table-Valued Functions
3. Aggregate Functions
4. DAX Functions for Time Analytics
5. Parent/Child Relationships
6. Additional DAX Functions
3. Additional Modeling
6. Chapter 14 Additional Power BI Desktop Features
1. Additional Power BI Data Model Features
1. Synonyms
2. Linguistic Schemas
3. Display Folder
4. What-If Parameters
5. Roles
2. Performance Analyzer
1. Capturing Performance Information
2. Viewing the DAX Query
3. Import and Export

1. Excel Workbook Content
2. Power BI Templates
4. Spreading the Word
12. Part V Sharing Content
1. Chapter 15 Sharing Content on the Power BI Service
(PowerBI.com)
1. The Power BI Service and Data Refresh
1. The On-premises Data Gateway
2. The On-premises Data Gateway Architecture
3. Installing the On-premises Data Gateway
4. Managing the On-premises Data Gateway
5. Managing the On-premises Data Gateway
(personal mode)
6. Setting a Dataset for Scheduled Refresh
2. The Power BI Service and Sharing
1. Using Share
2. Using Content Packs
3. Using Apps
3. The Power BI Service and Row-Level Security
1. Assigning Users to a Custom Security Role
4. Another Way to Share
2. Chapter 16 Saving to the Power BI Report Server
1. Power BI Service and Power BI Report Server
Comparison
1. Versions

2. Power BI Desktop Optimizations
2. Installing Power BI Report Server
1. The Power BI Report Server Installation
Executable
2. The Report Server Configuration Manager
3. The Report Catalog
1. Folders
2. The Web Portal
3. Saving a Report to the Power BI Report Server
4. Security
1. Folder and Report Security
2. Row-Level Security
5. Branding the Power BI Report Server
1. Modifying the Site Name
2. Creating a Brand Package
6. Powered Up and Ready to Go
13. Index
Guide
1. Cover
2. Title Page
3. Data Analysis with Microsoft Power BI

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This book is dedicated to my father-in-law, Len Martin. I had
the great fortune to have in-laws who were also good friends.
Len taught me many lessons on home improvement and was
always ready to share his experience running a small business.
A combat pilot in WWII, Air Force Reservist, and recreational
pilot, he “slipped the surly bonds of earth” one last time on
July 9, 2019.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Brian Larson has focused his writing and consulting career
around Microsoft reporting and analytics tools. That
association began for Brian as a consulting member of the
original Microsoft SQL Server Reporting Services
development team. In that role, he contributed to the original
code base of Reporting Services. Brian is currently a partner
and chief creative officer for Superior Consulting Services in
Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Brian has presented at national conferences and events,
including the PASS Community Summit and the Microsoft
Business Intelligence Conference, and has provided training
and mentoring across the country. In addition to this book,
Brian is the author of Microsoft SQL Server 2016 Reporting
Services, Fifth Edition and Delivering Business Intelligence
with Microsoft SQL Server 2016, Fourth Edition, and he is co-
author of Visualizing Data with Microsoft Power View, all
from McGraw-Hill Education.
Brian is a Phi Beta Kappa graduate of Luther College in
Decorah, Iowa, with degrees in physics and computer science.
He has 34 years of experience in the computer industry and 30
years of experience as a consultant creating custom database
solutions. Brian is a Microsoft Certified Solutions Expert
(MCSE) in Data Management and Analytics.
Brian and his wife, Pam, have been married for 34 years.
Pam will tell you that their first date took place at the campus
computer center. If that doesn’t qualify someone to write a
technology book, then Brian doesn’t know what does. Brian

and Pam have two children, Jessica and Corey.
About the Technical Editor
Dan Corley is a business intelligence architect with a strong
passion for and expertise in the Microsoft data platform and
business analytics technologies. He has worked in business
intelligence for 20 years, architecting, managing, and
developing business intelligence solutions in a variety of
industries. Dan lives with his wife and eight children in
Lakeville, Minnesota.

Contents at a Glance
Part I Understanding Business Intelligence and Power
BI
Chapter 1 How to Use This Book
Chapter 2 Successful Self-Service Analytics
Part II Interacting with Power BI
Chapter 3 Power BI Architecture
Chapter 4 Using Power BI Visualizations
Chapter 5 Using the Power BI Service (PowerBI.com)
Part III Creating Visualizations
Chapter 6 Basic Data Visualizations
Chapter 7 Visualization Formatting
Chapter 8 Advanced Interactivity and Custom
Visualizations
Part IV Building Data Models
Chapter 9 Loading Data with Power BI
Chapter 10 Power BI Transformation Reference
Chapter 11 Creating a Tabular Model in Power BI

Chapter 12 Measures and Calculated Columns
Chapter 13 DAX Language Reference
Chapter 14 Additional Power BI Desktop Features
Part V Sharing Content
Chapter 15 Sharing Content on the Power BI Service
(PowerBI.com)
Chapter 16 Saving to the Power BI Report Server
Index

Contents
Acknowledgments
Part I Understanding Business Intelligence and Power
BI
Chapter 1 How to Use This Book
The Tool Chest Called Power BI
The BI Process
Power BI Parts and Pieces
The Right Tool(s) for the Job
Consuming Power BI Reports
Power BI as a Data Visualization Tool
Power BI as a Modeling Tool
Power BI as a Data Warehouse/Data Mart
Where to Find What You Need
Obtaining Power BI Desktop Software
Sample Code and Supporting Materials
Information on Power BI New Features and
Enhancements
How to Succeed at Self-Service Analytics
Chapter 2 Successful Self-Service Analytics
What Is Business Intelligence?
Defining KPIs

Is Your Organization Ready for BI?
Desire
Realistic Expectations
Ongoing Care and Feeding
Well-Defined KPIs
Actionable KPIs
Reliable Sources of Data
Implementation: Best Practices
Take an Iterative Implementation Approach
Utilize a Data Warehouse/Data Mart
Cleanse and Validate During Data Gathering
Create User-Friendly Data Models
Publish Latency
Provide Training and Support
Use the Right Tool for the Job
Establish Standards and Limits
Successfully Using Power BI
Part II Interacting with Power BI
Chapter 3 Power BI Architecture
The Power BI Architecture
Power BI Desktop
The Power BI Service
The Power BI Report Server
The Power BI Mobile App
Power BI Desktop Optimizations
Power BI Updates
Microsoft On-premises Data Gateway

What Does the Data Have to Say?
Chapter 4 Using Power BI Visualizations
Power BI Desktop
Obtaining What You Need
Opening the Report/Preparing the
Environment
Interacting with a Power BI Report
Working with a Single Report Item
Interacting with Multiple Report Items
Changing the Data with Slicers and Filters
Slicers
Filters
Navigating Power BI Reports
Drill Down and Drillthrough
Buttons
Bookmarks
Additional Data Interactions
A Cloudy Forecast
Chapter 5 Using the Power BI Service (PowerBI.com)
PowerBI.com
The Organization of PowerBI.com
Connecting to PowerBI.com
The Navigation Pane
Workspaces
Reports
Dashboards
Workbooks
Datasets

Dataflows
Additional Areas and Items Within PowerBI.com
Additional Navigation Pane Items
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How It All Gets Made
Part III Creating Visualizations
Chapter 6 Basic Data Visualizations
Learn By Doing
Starting Point
Basic Visualizations
Maximum Miniatures Manufacturing
Our First Report Page
Text-based Visualizations
Graphical Visualizations
Interactivity
Slicers
Filters
Drillthrough
Geographic Visualizations
Bing Map Visualizations
Shape Map Visualizations
GIS Map Visualizations
Other Visual Elements
Text Boxes, Images, and Shapes
Fancy Formatting
Chapter 7 Visualization Formatting
The Visualization Format Tab

Report Page
All Items
Charts
Additional Chart Functional Groups
Table and Matrix
Card and Multi-row Card
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Funnel
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Advanced Formatting Dialog Boxes
Conditional Formatting Advanced Controls
Dialog Box
Data Bars Advanced Controls Dialog Box
The Visualization Analytics Tab
Types of Analytics Lines
Controls for Editing Analytics Lines
Themes
New Ways to Interact and Visualize
Chapter 8 Advanced Interactivity and Custom
Visualizations
Controlling Interactivity
Controlling Interactions
Synchronizing Slicers
Creating Interactivity
Custom Tooltips

Bookmarks
Selection Pane
Buttons
Customizing Visualizations
Custom Visualizations from the Marketplace
Custom Visualizations from R and Python
Creating a Custom Shape Map
Moving on to Modeling
Part IV Building Data Models
Chapter 9 Loading Data with Power BI
Gathering Data
Get Data
Power BI Connection Types
Transforming Data During the Data Import
The Power BI Query Editor
A New Sample: World Population
Repeating and Changing the Data Import
Refreshing Data in Power BI Desktop
Modifying Queries
The Advanced Editor and the Power Query
Formula Language
Data Source Permissions
Relationships and Intermediate Tables
Creating an Intermediate Table from a Data
Source
Manually Creating Intermediate Tables
Parameters
Putting Parameters to Use

Transformers
Chapter 10 Power BI Transformation Reference
Transformation Reference
Informational-Only Transformations
Transformations on the Query Editor Home
Tab
Transformations on the Query Editor
Transform Tab
Transformations on the Query Editor Add
Column Tab
Model Building
Chapter 11 Creating a Tabular Model in Power BI
Relationships
Creating Relationships
User-Friendly Models
Hiding Columns from the End User
Column Names and Descriptions
Formatting and Categories
One Final Relationship
Data Categories
Hierarchies, Groups, and Bins
Measuring Up
Chapter 12 Measures and Calculated Columns
Calculated Columns
Creating a Calculated Column
The Context for Calculated Columns
Measures

Default Summarization
Explicit Measures
Measures and Context
Defining Context Within a Measure
Time Analytics
Row-by-Row Calculations
The FILTER() Function
DAX Variables
Declaring DAX Variables and Assigning a
Value
Using a DAX Variable
Using Return in a Measure
Everything DAX
Chapter 13 DAX Language Reference
DAX Operators
Comparison Operators
Arithmetic Operators
Text Operator
Logical Operators
DAX Functions
Modifying Context
Table-Valued Functions
Aggregate Functions
DAX Functions for Time Analytics
Parent/Child Relationships
Additional DAX Functions
Additional Modeling
Chapter 14 Additional Power BI Desktop Features

Additional Power BI Data Model Features
Synonyms
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Display Folder
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Roles
Performance Analyzer
Capturing Performance Information
Viewing the DAX Query
Import and Export
Excel Workbook Content
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Part V Sharing Content
Chapter 15 Sharing Content on the Power BI Service
(PowerBI.com)
The Power BI Service and Data Refresh
The On-premises Data Gateway
The On-premises Data Gateway
Architecture
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Managing the On-premises Data Gateway
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The Project Gutenberg eBook of Captain Billy's
Whiz Bang, Vol. 2, No. 18, March, 1921

This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United
States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away
or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License
included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you
are not located in the United States, you will have to check the
laws of the country where you are located before using this
eBook.
Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2, No. 18, March, 1921
Author: Various
Editor: W. H. Fawcett
Release date: April 22, 2018 [eBook #57025]
Language: English
Credits: Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed
Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file
was
produced from images generously made available by
The
Internet Archive)
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S
WHIZ BANG, VOL. 2, NO. 18, MARCH, 1921 ***

Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol.
II. No. 18, March, 1921
Laugh Your Cares Away
When you get home from work at night,
And puzzled what to do,
Just buy a Whiz Bang magazine,
And read it through and through.
It’ll give you joy and comfort,
Take all dull cares away;
If you read the Whiz Bang journal,
And laugh the live-long day.

If you like our
Farmyard
Filosophy and
Foolishness, fill in
this coupon.
$2.50 per year.
Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang,
R.R.2, Robbinsdale, Minn.
Enclosed is money order
(or check) for subscription
commencing with .................. issue
MONTH
Name
Street
City & State

Captain Billy’s
Whiz Bang
America’s Magazine of
Wit, Humor and
Filosophy
March, 1921 Vol. II. No. 18
Published Monthly by
W. H. Fawcett,
Rural Route No. 2
at Robbinsdale, Minnesota

Entered as second-class matter May 1, 1920, at the
post office at Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the Act
of March 3, 1879.
Price 25 cents $2.50 per year
Contents of this magazine are copyrighted.
Republication of any part permitted when properly
credited to Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang.
“We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is loyalty to the
American People.”—Theodore Roosevelt.
Copyright 1921
By W. H. Fawcett
Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and dedicated to the
fighting forces of the United States.

A
Drippings From the Fawcett
t the close of the recent war, on my way home to the Whiz
Bang farm, still in uniform, I chanced on an old sea captain
friend of former days down on New York’s Battery, old Jim
Edmunds.
Later in the day, returning to my hotel with old Jim in tow,
I found an invitation to a formal dance and card party awaiting me
for that evening. I hit upon the idea that it would be well to take
Captain Edmunds along; that his stories of the sea dogs would prove
entertaining to the guests.
Accordingly I persuaded Jim, after much difficulty, to buy a dress
suit for the occasion. The tailor couldn’t convince Jim that the vest
should be cut down, and with only one button, but finally they
compromised on a two-button vest.
All went well until we arrived at the hostess’ home and I
introduced Captain Edmunds to her. Jim had on a medal he won for
saving a ship at sea, and my hostess, at first puzzled as to whether
he was an ex-army captain or a sea skipper, noticed the medal, and
exclaimed: “Captain, I see you’re naval.”
The old man blushed and blurted out: “Yes, and if that danged
tailor had his way, you could see a whole lot more.”
* * *
he other evening I picked up my old neighbor, Bob Jaeger, for a
flivver spin to see the sights of Minneapolis.
First of all we visited the National Dutch room to enjoy the
cabaret. Bob was much astounded as he viewed the shapely dancers

T
I
A
shimmying to the jazziest of jazz orchestrations.
“What do you think of it, Bob?” I inquired.
“I think you’d better ask the orchestra to play a wedding
march, and play it quick,” he retorted.
* * *
gnorance sometimes causes lots of trouble, and sometimes it
falls upon the innocent. Witness the case of Gus, our hired
man.
I went with Gus to the Shoe Palace in Robbinsdale while he
purchased a new pair of boots. Now Gus suffers from a
common malady—perspiration of the feet—and he’s very sensitive
about it.
The clerk sprinkled some French chalk into the new shoes as he
was about to try them on. Gus got up angrily.
“If I can’t try on a pair of your boots without having you sprinkle
chloride of lime in them, I’ll take my trade elsewhere,” he bellowed.
It was with much difficulty that I pacified Gus and explained the
use of the chalk. So now Gus has a new pair of boots, and without
the lime disinfectant.
* * *
few days ago, for the first time in many moons, I heard
sweet strains of “Sweet Adeline” coming in a rich soprano,
with bass accompaniment, from a passing automobile on the
Whiz Bang farm trail, and it brought me out of my reveries
and revived memories of bygone days.
Thoughts of the many times I had heard that song along the trail
from town, just after the bars of Robbinsdale and Casey’s roadhouse
would close, came to me sweetly.

This brand of choral singing has become a lost art under
prohibition. “Sweet Adeline” as sung by a troop of celebrators who
wouldn’t know whether they were standing on their feet or their
heads, was very beautiful.
To enjoy it thoroughly, one had to be quite drunk himself. Jack
would sing the tenor, Bob the bass and I would join in the chorus, in
sentimental strain. It was all very touching. With it, nothing can
compare.
In my memories I can still picture Jack’s tenor squawking “You’re
the flower of my heart” and Bob’s bass refrain “Sweet Adeline,” after
which came the grand finale. Ah, those were the happy days.
* * *
The couple that left an automobile seat at the Whiz Bang farm a
couple of months ago, while they went to town to report the theft of
their automobile, haven’t come back yet, and I don’t know what the
deuce to do with the seat.

M
Farmyard Filosophy
any a man’s reputation depends on what isn’t found out
about him.
* * *
Women are divided into two classes; those who desire husbands
and those who desire single men.
* * *
A good man who has gone wrong is in reality a bad man who has
just been found out.
* * *
The charity that begins at home is usually a stranger elsewhere.
* * *
And we note that the banker continues to take a lot of interest in
his work.
* * *
The fellow who is driven to drink will take a long ride these days.
* * *

Why not appoint an electrician to censor movies. He is used to
shocking things.
* * *
Love has all senses except common-sense.
* * *
What has become of the old fashioned man who used to be able
to hit a bullseye on the spittoon at thirty feet range?
* * *
Authorities have ruled that liquor can be placed in mince pies
legally. But if we had the liquor, we wouldn’t wait for the pie.
* * *
A Minnesota man has a dog that chews tobacco and still has some
sense left. But it doesn’t drink the liquor peddled these days.
* * *
A writer to the Whiz Bang asks, “Is marriage a success.” We’ll
solve the question by letting the married folk fight it out among
themselves.
* * *
A politician says the American people are being coddled too much.
He’s right. Even the bootleggers won’t let you pour out your own
drink any more.
* * *
The amount of money a man has is the difference between his
love for that evil and his love for women.

* * *
Women estimate friends by the advantages to be derived from
them.
* * *
Men suspect women too much and “THE WOMAN” not enough.
* * *
An old husband is an honor to his wife.
* * *
Balzac said: “Woman is a creature between man and the angels.”
How true, if it were not for her all men would have an easy road to
heaven.
* * *
Love may be blind, but don’t take chances and come home with a
long silk stocking in your pocket.
* * *
Powder is the dust the gods have given women wherewith to blind
the eyes of men.
* * *
All men are not homeless, but some are home less than others.
* * *
Man is often blind to virtue, but never to beauty.
* * *

The frail young thing who is too tired to run an errand for mother
can wear out the huskiest man on the dance floor.
* * *
Goosey, Goosey Gander
The Smiths heard Liza Gander, their maid, in the bathroom
laughing and giggling for nearly an hour.
“What’s so funny, Liza?” asked Mrs. Smith, knocking on the
bathroom door.
“Lawsa me,” replied Liza between giggles. “Ize so nervous, ah
caint dry mesself.”
* * *
Discounting a Discount
A real estate agent was offered fifty dollars, less two and a half
percent discount for cash, for an option on a piece of property. Being
a poor mathematician and wishing to conceal his ignorance of
arithmetic from his customer, he excused himself for a minute and
sought his new stenographer.
“Good morning, Miss Brown,” he said in his most expansive smile.
“Delightful weather we’re having, ain’t it? Now, tell me, if I were to
give you fifty dollars, less two and a half percent discount for cash,
how much would you take off?”
Instead of figuring it out, the young lady promptly put on her hat
and coat and went home, saying she had been insulted. Darned if
we can see what there was to get insulted over. If she couldn’t
figure it out, why didn’t she say so and let it go at that.
* * *

A Pullman porter has just compiled a book on Berth
Control.
* * *
Too Much Smell
Mandy was gazing upon the shop window display of toilet water
hungrily.
“Come on ’way from dar, Mandy,” said Rastus warily, “or yo all will
be tempted to buy some.”
“Rastus, Ah’s gwine to buy a bottle ob dat toilet water.”
“Ah, c’mon ’way, Mandy. Yo’ all smell like a toilet watah already.”
* * *
A Carman’s Love Code
When a woman is sulky and will not speak—EXITER.
If she gets too excited—CONTROLLER.
If she talks too much—INTERRUPTER.
If her ideas and yours do not coincide—CONVERTER.
If she is willing to come half way—METER.
If she comes all the way—RECEIVER.
If she wants to go further—CONDUCTER.
If she wants to go all the way—DISPATCHER.
If she proves you did her wrong—COMPENSATER.
If she goes up in the air—CONDENSER.
If she wants chocolates—FEEDER.

If she will permit you—KISSER.
If she wants to dance—JAZZ WITH HER.
* * *
A New Proposal
Half in earnest, half in joke,
Tell me, maiden, ere I’m broke,
Buying booze and lunch for thee,
Tell, oh, tell the truth to me,
Ere my cash is all turned loose,
Sweetheart, is there any use?
* * *
Business Was Good
A gob on a furlough telegraphed his ship commander as follows:
“Sir: Just got married. Please wire me ten-day extension of leave
to finish honeymoon.”
* * *
Why He Needs Paper
The Rocky Ford, Colorado, Gazette-Topic prints this one:
The editor met a farmer reader on the street who was
considerably in arrears with his subscription and suggested that the
farmer liquidate, come across, dig up a little coin, but the farmer
said he had no money.
“Well,” said the editor, “bring in some chickens.”

“I have no chickens,” said the farmer.
“Then,” said the scribe, “bring in some potatoes, corn, wheat or
something.”
“I have no corn, no wheat or potatoes,” said the farmer.
“Well,” continued the pencil pusher, “you might bring in some
cobs, I can burn them anyway.”
“Cobs,” said the farmer, “cobs, why man if I had cobs I wouldn’t
need your paper.”
* * *
I can shake my shoulders,
I can shake my knees,
I’m a free-born American,
I shake what I please.
* * *
A Choice of Evils
“Would you marry her just because she’s wealthy? Don’t you know
she has a questionable past?”
“Well, what of it? If I don’t marry her I shall have a questionable
future.”

Y
Picture Land Flattery
Editor’s Note: Here is a story for young girls with
movie ambitions. In fact it’s a crackerjack of a story for
women in general. I do not believe the public, outside
of Los Angeles, realizes that the favorite form for
gaining a lady’s favor is to tell her she ought to be in
pictures.
Girls strange to Los Angeles fall hard for this style of
flattery, very often with serious final result. Designing
men quite frequently bunco the fair and trusting
creatures and “those who know” declare it is surprising
how the ladies like the movie flattery.
But here is the story, true to nature and only
intended for the eyes of the fair sex.
BY RICHMOND.
oung women who desire to break into the movies should be
prepared to take a little “breaking-in” themselves unless they
indeed are fortunate and bump into a man instead of some of
the rat horde that infests movieland. No line of business in
the world combines more petty jealousies than creep through
the Picture World. Men play the women against one another; women
play men and the whole bunch forever conjure to hold the upper
hand.
The following recital, by a clever French woman who sought a
place in Filmdom, is typical. This woman was on the point of leaving

for New York, where she admitted that it would be necessary for her
to wear scant clothing in front of assembled multitudes at the Winter
Garden, but better she thought than performing same for the benefit
of sundry individuals who pass the girls along according as new
faces and opportunity offer. The woman in question was French, of
superb figure and doubtful picture talent. She was a fine dancer, also
a singer. She told of being invited to the home of a well known
Hollywood character, Prince Troubetskoy and wife, who recently
departed presumably for Europe.
Troubetskoy ranks as one of the greatest sculptors in the world
and his Hollywood home saw many a high jinx, intrigue of love and
gambling revel. The Prince, a good natured old fellow, cared not
what anyone else did, so long as he could gamble and not be
obliged to eat meat. His wife enjoyed the society of young men,
though not many of them seemed to break their necks courting her
favor. The Princess didn’t get by very well, not any too sweet with a
little tea aboard. So our lady of Film ambition meets a number of
men who lounge in and out partaking of the Troubetskoy hospitality.
Says the first:
“How comes it, Madam, with those eyes you are not in Pictures.
Surely there must be some mistake. Now I am the leading man of
the ⸺ ⸺ Company. I am sure I could get you a chance if you
would like to try. But of course we must go out to talk it over; a little
dinner perhaps tomorrow night in my apartment we—”
“But, my dear sir, what is there to be talked of?” The Leading man
seems to think the lady dull and drifts away.
Then the second.
“Who—— that fellow told you he could get you a part? Why he’s
only the leading man. I am a director. Leave it to me. Just you and I
will go out for a little dinner tomorrow night and talk things over—”
“But, my dear sir, the leading man also asked me to go out with
him to dinner, or come to his apartment so the business could be
settled—”

Still a third man.
“Did he say he was the director? I am the director. He is only the
assistant director. He has no say. I will fix you up, you black eyed
beauty. Tomorrow night if you meet me, I’ll have a fine big car, so
warm inside. We will take a little trip, you and I, oh, just to talk over
some details, I—”
Madam speaks again.
“But, my dear sir, three times now tonight have I been asked out
to dinner to see what shall be done for me to get a part. Does one
always have to eat dinner before getting into pictures?”
A fourth man.
“Piffle, I am manager of the entire company. Those fellows haven’t
a word to say about it; just bunking you. Come with me to my little
cabin up in laurel canyon tomorrow night. It is quiet and we will not
be disturbed while talking over the business. I—”
But still a fifth.
“Don’t let those men kid you. I have put up all the capital. My
father is a rich man in South America. When it comes down to it,
these fellows work for me and, though I don’t interfere much,
naturally I would hate to see a girl that looks like you get left—”
The madam talks once more.
“I cannot go to dinner with you. I have been asked by the four
other men. I might take a chance with the leading man because he’s
half way young. Though everyone says he doesn’t count, if I had to
eat dinner with someone I guess I’d pick out the youngest and let
you ‘burned outs’ try your luck somewhere else. But I’m eating by
myself tomorrow night.”
Two or three camera men and some publicity agents possibly
invited the lady out to dine, but the ones she seemed to remember
began with the leading man and ended with the fellow who said he
owned the bankroll that kept the company on the map.

* * *
Couldn’t Understand
Bellboy—“Good mawnin’ Rastus. I’se done lost me job at the
Langren Hotel and I can’t understan’ how come.”
Rastus—“What’s you don, niggah, stole sumpin’?”
Bellboy—“All I done was to go in the main dinin’ room and page a
girl named Carrie Age.”

H
Cherubim of Hell
Reverend Morrill, the Whiz Bang’s fire-eating
gospelite writer, is now touring the West Indies for this
magazine. Remember the Martinique articles written
after his recent tour to that sinful island for the Whiz
Bang? His present trip presages some more hot
sermons. In the April issue, Reverend Morrill’s story of
Parisian life, “Midnight Madness,” will appear in the
Whiz Bang. Later, during the summer months, he will
deliver to our readers a carload of dynamite. Watch for
his explosion!
BY REV. “GOLIGHTLY” MORRILL.
Pastor of the People’s Church, Minneapolis, Minn.
elen never raised more hell in Troy than the island of St.
Lucia did in the West Indies. It is some 250 square miles, is
volcanic, and has been in constant war-like upheaval.
Our ship, the “Caraquet” has arrived here, where for 150
years the French and English have cut each others throats.
From 1605, when English settlers landed in the “Oliph Blossome”
from Barbadoes and were massacred in less than two months—
others were smoked out by natives burning red pepper—to 1814,
when the isle was finally ceded to Great Britain, St. Lucia has been
seeded with hate and borne a harvest of death. In three years, from
1793 to 1796, England lost 80,000 soldiers, including 40,000 dead.
This topped the loss of Wellington’s army from all causes during the
Peninsular war. Add to this yellow fever, malaria, the deadly fer-de-

lance snake, hurricanes, earthquakes, bush-bandits and runaway
slaves the revolution set free (who kidnapped, ravished, maimed,
burned and robbed) and St. Lucia’s cup of gall and gore is running
over—as are the wasps, centipedes, tarantulas, mosquitoes and
scorpions over the people.
This was a Pandora’s, not a Christmas box. I wonder that all the
inhabitants are not like the mad woman who rushed out of the
insane asylum howling at us as we entered Castries harbor. St. Lucia
was a martyred maid in the time of Diocletian, and lost her money
and her eyes. The island bearing her name has suffered outrage and
martyrdom and may well invoke her as the patroness of the poor
and blind, for its inhabitants are afflicted with poverty and eye
disease.
The land-locked harbor is the military key to the West Indies.
Morne and Vigie are striking fortifications, and historic hill-tops in the
back-ground have been bathed in the blood of those climbing the
Calvary of death. They were drenched in mist and rain when we
docked. Coal and not carnage is the leading industry now. Instead of
shambles, all is soot. Ships come for fuel, not to fight. As at
Nagasaki, Jamaica, St. Thomas and Martinique, women do the
coaling. In place of Kingley’s poem, “Men must work and women
must weep,” it is, “women must work and men must sleep.”
The coal wenches are amazing Amazons. How they wiggled and
waltzed with coal-baskets on their heads, sweating, swearing,
singing snatches of French songs and swaying to the music of a
carnival band that came down to the boat and acted like madcap
strolling players standing on heads and hands. The girls made a few
cents a basket; if one greedily ran ahead out of turn, there was a
“switchman” to lash her back in line. What coal-black Caryatides!
Wonderful models—not of manners or morality—but muscles that
would give a sculptor fits. Sure Mike Angelo would have wrestled
with them, but Ben Cellini would have thought twice before he dared
throw them about as he did his model whom he grabbed by the hair,
kicked and mauled so she was compelled to anoint her wounds with

bacon fat while he stood around and “larfed.” These husky, dusky
damsels would have brained him with a lump of coal, thrown him in
the sea, or mopped up the island with him. This holiday work gave
the begrimed beauties extra money. They like work and carry their
burdens on, not in their heads, the baskets often weighing 150
pounds each.
Streets of Castries are laid out in right angles, and many of the
population were laid out in the streets at all angles. Every old soak
fills up. I saw a black man and woman stagger along the walk, fall in
the gutter, make love and wallow there like pigs. In the outskirts
darky women were dragging their drunk lovers, brothers or
husbands through the mud by heels or head or spreading them out
like clothes to dry on doorsteps or windowsills. The squalor was
stentorious and stercoraceous. Castries was a medley of noise,
music and mud. The only bible commandment followed was the
eleventh. “Thou shalt get stewed.” The patron saint of the city must
be Saint Amant, the French seventeenth century bacchanalian bard
who received inspiration for his drinking songs by imbibing
enormous quantities of spirits which resulted in ebullitions like “La
Debauche.” Alcaeus said, “Wine and truth”—and it was a very naked
truth we saw in the Casino on the hill. Yes, it was quite “orgiferous.”
What is an orgy? Listen to Gautier:
“Oh, the orgy giving to the winds its heaving breasts, red with
kisses; the orgy shaking out its perfumed hair upon its bare
shoulders, dancing, singing, shouting, holding one hand out to this
man and the other to that one; the orgy, hot courtezan, that yields
readily to every fancy, that drinks punch and laughs, that stains the
cloth and its gown, that dips its garland of flowers in a bath of
Malmsey wine; the ribald orgy, showing its foot and its leg, letting its
heavy head fall to right or left; the quarrelsome, blaspheming orgy,
quick to snatch its stilleto from its garter; the quivering orgy, that
has only to stretch out its wand and turn an idiot into a poet and a
poet into an idiot; the orgy that duplicates our being, and sends fire
running through our veins, sets diamonds in our eyes and rubies on

our lips; the orgy, the only poetry that is possible in these prosaic
days.”
The Casino orchestra was squeaking, the couples reeking; airs
were lively like those of the girls. One temptress asked me to give
her a good time—and my watch; another charmer wanted my gold
charm; but discretion was the better part of virtue and valor. To
escape with money and morals, we slid down hill after throwing
them a few shillings to buy religious tracts to make tracks in a
different direction. In town a crowd stood watching two women
fighting and shaking their fists and naked breasts at each other till
the sweet milk of kindness turned to sour hate.
I went to a local banker to change some money. He was not in his
office or home, but his charming daughter was. We exchanged
Christmas courtesies and coin. She said she disliked our high
American exchange, the color line in United States, and praised the
fact that blacks and whites in St. Lucia ate, slept and grew up
together. I was sorely tried, for a long time resisted temptation, but
eventually succumbed to the enticements of this Eve’s daughter. She
made me drink a glass she had filled with old French rum, syrup,
lime-juice and other good things. I can’t remember, except that it
was eloquent of the time, place and occasion. O tempora, O mores!
How blessings brighten as they take their flight. I write with a glass
of water nearby, in spite of the Horatian dictum that songs are not
able to live long or please that are written in draughts of water. But I
am writing prose, not poetry.
The guide-book asserts that “modest sleeping accommodations
can be found in this island.” If so, it is one of the few places in the
West Indies where, by day and night, the traveler is offered sleeping
accommodations far removed from sleep or modesty. Cricket is
popular in Castries, but not the bed-bug and cockroach.
If one is socially inclined there is many a black beauty whose back
steps “take hold on hell.” One is accosted noon and night. Boat
traffic in the West Indies is not always legitimately commercial. At
different isles girls come aboard to sell beads, fruit and themselves.

A ship is often delayed in getting these moral derelicts and strumpet
stowaways put off. Do not be surprised if at various ports, men
board the ship and invite Americans going ashore for the night to
come and stay with their sisters—a hospitality quite Mexican and
Latin-American. This is “old stuff” to observing travelers, but not
often referred to by the average writers and lecturers on the West
Indies who profoundly inform you the sky is blue, the grass green
and the water wet. True, but Columbus discovered that—is there
nothing else to describe?
* * *
A Dog Story
Two dogs, on a trip through the Minnesota woods, came upon a
skunk.
After considerable discussion “Little Dog” was chosen to engage
the strange intruder at battle. When he returned, “Big Dog” asked
him how he had fared.
“Fairly well in the first round,” reported “Little Dog,” “but in the
second attack the son-of-a-gun gassed me.”
* * *
A Friendly Household
“A flirt, am I?” exclaimed Mary Ann, under notice to go.
“Well, I knows them as flirts more than I do, and with less
excuse.” She shot a spiteful look at her mistress, and added,
“I’m better looking than you. More handsome… ’Ow do I
know? Your husband told me so.”
“That will do,” said her mistress frigidly.

“But I ain’t finished yet!” retorted Mary Ann. “I can give a
better kiss than you! Want to know who told me that,
ma’am?”
“If you mean to suggest that my husband—”
“No, it wasn’t your husband this time,” said Mary Ann. “It
was your chauffeur.”
* * *
Sweet Kisses
He—“Oh, dearie, please give me just one.”
She—“I can’t.”
“Why?”
“It’s Lent.”
“Will you when you get it back?”
* * *
Another good drink has been scratched off our list when we make
our rounds of the bootleg joints—sherry and egg, for with eggs at a
dollar a dozen and sherry 90 cents a finger, we can’t make the
grade. However, as McIntyre & Heath might say, if we had some
sherry, we could have sherry and egg, if we had an egg.
* * *
He Gets a Tip
The dinner was excellent, and what made it better still was the
fact that the girl who waited at table was one of the prettiest girls he
had ever seen in his life.

And now it was time for him to leave his host and hostess and
return to town. As luck would have it, however, it was discovered,
too late, that the last train had gone. There was no alternative—he
would have to stay the night, but the difficulty was that the house
was full.
At last a bright idea seemed to strike the hostess. “I hardly like to
suggest it,” she said, “but would you mind turning in with the cook?”
Knowing full well that they kept only the one maid, whom he had
already seen, he accepted the offer with almost unseemly alacrity.
“Oh, that’s all right,” said the hostess, obviously much relieved;
“the bed will be quite large enough—you’ll find him quite a superior
man; indeed, he’s engaged to our parlormaid.”
* * *
Oh, Mommer, Boil My Socks
We’ve heard a lot of boarding house jokes, but the one our hired
man, Gus, tells is the prize winner.
Gus was boarding in Chicago once where they had no napkins.
Whenever Gus wanted to wipe his fingers he called the shaggy
Newfoundland dog and rubbed them in the dog’s hair. Saturday night
the cook washed the dog and Sunday morning they had soup.

Questions and Answers
Dear Captain Billy—Why is a marriage performed on Friday
considered unlucky?—Hoo Dew.
Friday is so named because alloted to Frigga, the goddess of
marriage. Perhaps that is why ceremonies on that day are so
unlucky.
* * *
Dear Captain Billy—My husband insists on wandering about the
house barefooted at night, and I’ve been wondering if the servants
have been attracting him out of his slumbers. What should I do?—
Miriam DeVorce.
A few tacks placed judiciously about the house will cure your
husband’s night walking in his bare feet.
* * *
Dear Captain Bill—My fiance says she will not marry me until I
have done something big in life. Can you suggest something?—
Worried Romeo.
Why not try washing elephants.
* * *
Dear Skipper Bill—What is meant by a “ruined career?”—Carrie
A. Kidd.
Bartending.

* * *
Dear Captain Bill—Who was the first jockey?
Eve. Adam entered her in the human race.
* * *
Dear Whiz Bang Bill—If a flivver ran over a farmer’s rooster,
what would he be out?—Artie Choke.
Nothing that I know about, except possibly his rooster would be
out a foot or two.
* * *
Dear Captain Billy—Who was the world’s greatest female
juggler?—Soubrette Sue.
Nat Goodwin.
* * *
Dear Captain Billy—What is the meaning of the word
“flapper?”—June Peas.
Flapper is usually applied to a girl who flaps.
* * *
Captain Bill—I am a wrestler and a very light sleeper, my wife
snores likell. What would you recommend to stop her sonorous
snores?—Ima Snoozer.
Use a strangle hold.
* * *
Dear Skipper Bill—What is meant by the expression “A silent
partner?”—Gangrene Gertie.

A woman’s husband.
* * *
Dear Captain Bill—What makes the human race?—Hammond
Eggs.
Men and women chasing each other.
* * *
Dear Skipper Bill—What’s the difference between a cow and a
baby?—Dunn O. Nuttin.
Well, a cow drinks water to make milk, while a baby just drinks
milk.
* * *
Dear Captain Billy—How can I keep my husband home at night?
—Worried Newlywed.
Take five pounds of fusel oil, two pounds of prunes and one pound
of raisins, put it in a five gallon crock. Then for nine dreary evenings,
sit beside the crock and gently lift up the cheesecloth cover and hold
communion therewith. It will sing a song to you in peculiar fashion,
reminding you of the olden days when you put the parlor sea shell to
your ear to hear the wild waves roar. You’ll hear Eva Tanguay singing
“I Don’t Care.” When the tenth day has come to pass, strain the
contents of the crock into bottles and then you can telephone your
husband’s drug store and tell him to come home. You should have
no further trouble in retaining his company.
* * *
Dear Captain—What’s the difference between a sea gull and a
baby?—Flipflop Flapper.
A sea gull flips along the shore, while a baby slips along the floor.

* * *
Dear Skipper Bill—Don’t you think that giving up drinking will
assure a longer life?—Repentant Soak.
Perhaps you’re right. I once gave it up for 24 hours and it was the
longest day I ever lived.
* * *
Dear Farmer Billy—As an honest tiller of the soil, perhaps you
can tell me the difference between an apple and a girl?—Ann
Arbor.
Sure, you have to squeeze an apple before you can get cider. But
with a girl, you have to get “side” ’er before you can squeeze her.
* * *
Dear Captain Bill—I live in Milwaukee and a neighbor of mine is
always making home beer. Who should I report it to?—Adam
Sapple.
Notify the American consul.
* * *
Dear Sir and Captain—My husband, whenever he comes home
intoxicated from moonshine liquor, kicks me in the stomach. What
would you advise me to do?—Abused Wife.
Turn your back on the brute.
* * *
Dear Skipper—Could you tell me who is the inventor of the loose
leaf system?—L. E. Phant.
Eve.

* * *
Dear Captain Jazzbo—I have a sweet girlie, with teeth quite
pearly. I took her in my arms one night. She scratched and giggled
and tried to bite. Can you guess what’s worrying me?—
Hymanjasus.
Your poetry is punk, old trapper, and I’ll answer you, the same—
You like to love but you hate to fight with a dirty neck when you
monkey-bite.
* * *
Dear Captain Bill—I see where you discuss at length the brevity
of girls’ attire, but I never see you object in your writings. How do
you stand, anyway?—Noonan Knight.
Well, you don’t see me wearing any smoked glasses.
* * *
Dear Skipper Bill—What’s your idea of a fine sight?—Lotta
Bull.
I suppose you think I’ll say hosiery, but guess again. My idea of a
fine sight is the one I have on my bear hunting rifle.
* * *
Dear Whiz Bang Billy—What’s the most useful food?—Fletcher
Eyes.
Chicken. You can eat it before it is born and after it is dead.
* * *
Dear Doctor Billy—What are the three great plagues of the
world?—Iva Sharpe Payne.

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