3S Special OlympicsHeld every 4 years when the gene pool hits an especially low level, members of 3S gather at a secret location in a series of events which will see them crowned as the foremost proponents in their field. The rest can only dare to dream. Events such as: The Erectile Textiles Shield (scarf moulding taking origami to the next level) The Upchuck Cup (projectile vomiting as self-expression) The Trouser Cough 500 (excellence in bottom burping) The Ashes (new discipline this year for the budding young arsonist) The Princess Diana Silver Spoon for Eating Disorders (a bit of a mouthful but then so is this).
Local Games for Local PeopleSo job-seekers, let’s see who made the medals this year (not you Mikey love, you were on leave in South Africa with your fire-men friends).
Chuck it Up!!! Mansour “ManFountain” Noman, guru in the art of projectile vomiting prepares to give spectators a psychedelic view of his lunch. The judges discuss the last time Mansour lifted the trophy. Mansour avoids carrots and anything too lumpy in his preparations and swears by Campbell’s Cream of Chicken Soup as a medal winner.
Windy Bottoms! Pete Anderson aka “The Screamin’ Skidmark” ran a few impromptu seminars on windpower in the 21st century. Apparently a diet of scampi, red wine and garlic is enough to make an onion cry. Organisers would point out that at no time were scamps harmed during these games “apart from the cheeky little fucker on the gate at GH14”. Bottom-burping was once widely practised in ancient Rome hence the word Jacuzzi, Latin for underwater flatulence.
Freckles!! Devotees of the art will recognise the classic pose. First adopted by the “Screamin’ Skidmark” at the ’78 Sphincternationals in Munich and still very much a classic, as Pete pulls a clincher on his way to the trophy. The “Grinning Idiot” has now become a firm favourite amongst fartists across the globe although since the ’78 finals judges now tend to sit upwind of competitors as can be seen. Poetry in motion!!!
Beds are Burning Zylfie “Napalm” Mehmeti can scarcely conceal his delight upon hearing that incinerating 4 Serbian villages, 6 bus depots and a distillery have been enough to get him to the finals of the “Torch Your Neighbours” competition. A new sport this year, Zylf was flown in at the behest of the organisers to promote the art. Zylfie has kindly volunteered to carry the torch every year. Shine on you crazy Scottish!!!
I’m your fire-starter! “Napalm” Mehmeti took some time out to show onlookers how to turn themselves into a human flame- thrower. He was quoted as saying “sport apart, this is a hobby for young and old and practical too. Kiss goodbye to pesky ant infestations and you’ll never be stuck for a cigarette lighter again” Normally Zylf would use gasoline, but being sensitive to the “green regime” (and the fact that Fuels are tight bastards) he now relies on a healthy mix of alcohol readily available in most supermarkets. He claims that the side effects are over exaggerated.
Bulimia Culpa Irina “Shall we Dine” Unutoiu, pictured here with long-time coach and mentor Pete “Fat-boy” Fitz-Gerald (so big they named him twice) discuss tactics in the up-coming PiDi Silver Spoon (all you can eat). The contest did enjoy some controversy as one of the three judges was listed as missing just before the finals. The fact that his coat is captured in this picture is purely coincidental.
You Are What You Eat Great pains are taken to keep the menu secret when it comes to this event. Our resident photographer was fortunate enough to get behind the scenes to discover the amount of preparation that is involved. Here “Fatboy” Fitz- Gerald looks on as Irina finishes the last of 3 bus loads of midgets in the warm-up heats. Organisers are at pains to add that the midgets were not in fact part of the menu but just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Record Breakers Any doubt that success in the 3S Special Games doesn’t lead to greater things can easily be dispelled. Here Irina “Shall We Dine” Unutoiu speaks with her agent just after lifting the Silver Spoon. It was later confirmed by the Guinness Book of Records that this is the moment when the plan was laid for her next world record attempt. Irina plans to eat Camp Supreme dining room, complete with diners, in her next attempt on the world record. You read it here first!!!
Erectile Textiles THE event of the games. Riann takes the stage to show the audience why he is rightly known as “Scarf-ace”. Riann, 5 times holder of the Wonder bonnet Cup has attracted quite a following. Notice his groupies in the background, who pay homage (and rightly so) to the moment he created a replica of the Taj Mahal from a scarf no more than 12”x12” using just one finger. Amazing!!!
New-Comers Rod “you need” Hanns, wows the audience in the “Famous Faces” section with his uncanny representation of “The Elephant Man”. While a literary character, John Merrick was actually referred to as “ The Elephant Man” because he would travel from door to door selling elephants. I know, as my grandfather once bought 3 Africans and an Indian for 2 and 6. Which was cheap considering they didn’t have trunks and walked on two legs. Pretty sure they were elephants though because they shit all over the place according to him. Well done Rod!!!!
A Close Second! Disaster was narrowly averted when Anton ”I’m in the Attic” Frank found that his lifelike representation of the Great Fire of London was rather too life-like. Lindsay “ Women and Children Second” Louew beats a hasty retreat as Richie Ifyouwanttoknowthetimeaskapolic eman hastens to intervene. The judges were particularly impressed with Anton’s desire for accuracy and awarded him the Order of the Fire-blanket in recognition of his work.
Know Your Athlete Anton “ I’m in the attic” Frank is no stranger to fame. Contrary to popular opinion, his grandmother Anne was not fleeing the Gestapo but her father. Teenage pregnancies were frowned upon in Holland in the late 1930’s which explains why she hid in the attic rather than face her irate parents. Anton, long considered an “all rounder” in the special games has vowed to return to take part in the “Royal Wave”, which will be accepted as a Special Games discipline next time round, and which most pundits agree is his strongest event. Evidence here would suggest they are right and the smart money is on him.
Judging The event has become so popular that judging has is now done on an international level. Brendan “Party Hat” Ward (so called because of a slight birth defect un- noticeable in normal circumstances), master of ceremonies and all round good egg has access to judges on all 20 continents and 6 countries. “Computer says no” Brendan!!!
The Finale As with any event, there has to be a winner. No-one was surprised that “Scarf-ace” would lift the trophy for a 5th successive games. Riann proudly exhibits his uncannily accurate recreation of Harry Potter and the Child Molester. The midget is happy to have escaped from the bus before Irina ate it.
Everyone’s a Winner! “Party Hat” presents Riann with the Scarf of Scarves in recognition of his service to head-wear creation and in promoting it as an international sport. Riann proudly accepts the Scarf and wears a fetching multi-coloured tiara especially designed for the occasion by The Flaming Lips, tonsorial designers to the stars. (and twats).
Behind the Scenes No games would be complete without an after-games party. Here Irina ably displays how one should hold a cup at an angle in order to avoid “the Attic’s” party trick of gobbing in an unsuspecting drink. Anton uses only organic olive stones in order to avoid offence. Good bloke!!!
Popularity! It is impossible to stress how popular these games have become but the camera doesn’t lie. While Irina basks in the glory of her last meal and unobserved by the event security company (Compass… which is an abbreviation for Come…Pass…hardly reassuring), petty thieves were filmed stealing the candles as souvenirs. Tight bastards!!!!
Visitors JL and Leslie jetted in from WH3 to lend some much needed culture. JL is picture sporting his “Kashmir Codpiece” award that he received earlier for being the smoothest bastard on the planet. Leslie has just learnt that he has won the lead role in the new Hollywood blockbuster based on the life and times of Marlon Brandon. Good work bald bloke!
New Beginnings Brendan “Party Hat” Ward firmly endorses his belief that the “Royal Wave” will become a firm favourite at the next games. Brendan is so confident in this that he actively encourages people of all ages to practice the wave at every opportunity. In the meantime Riann tries to steal the show with his “invisible glass” trick. Joy lends a certain childlike clueless- ness to the whole affair.
Guest of Honour US Army Gen (Retd) “T” Bone-Steak was the guest of honour at this year’s event. Sadly “Shall we Dine” Unutoiu was in such good form that she mistook the guest list for the menu. Miss Unutoiu would like to take the opportunity to commend US (DoD) in the fact that they have created an indigestible forage cap, no doubt a boon to US service personnel world-wide especially if GWB should want to eat them.
Sex Bum “Napalm” Mehmeti continues to inflame the passions of his female supporters behind the scenes. Gulnara (Gums to her friends) flew directly in from a seminar on prehistoric dentistry to ensure her man was left unmolested.
Always an Opening Time out from competition. “Fat Boy” Fitz- Gerald (actually he isn’t fat but if you coach Power Eaters something has to stick) captured here arranging a planned Las Vegas extravaganza where-by “Napalm” hopes to torch a small enclave of midgets shortly before “Shall we Dine” Unutoiu eats them. “Napalm” has some concerns about the amount of incendiary needed but Fitz is explaining that the “Screamin’ Skidmark” will provide the gas.
A Meeting of Champions Sport is politics and politics is sport. At one time each of our 3 champions pictured here have suffered at the hands of a South African bar-b-que. So in a moment of solidarity they have agreed to gas, burn and eat anyone who even looks sideways at a hippo and considers it between two slices of bread Children be advised, the guy in the pointy hat is fucked…as in proper fucked
The Next Generation And let’s not forget the stars of tomorrow. At the special baby unit the proud fathers of another batch of bar-b-ques look on as their offspring prepare to make their way in the world. Many a poor beast of claw and hoof is destined to discover its part on the food chain on one of these. The fathers are particularly pleased as the baby barbies have just moved on to solids, each consuming 5 chickens, 24 steaks and 2kg of sausages every day.
Margaret Not really…but she deserves a mention. “Margaret….MARGARET!!!” “Have we got any pirate naming games for the under 5’s?” “HAVE WE GOT ANY PIRATE NAMING GAMES FOR THE UNDER 5’S??” “No”