Cure my cancers


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Cure my cancers

  1. 1. Cure my Cancers Dryk Drafka
  2. 2. These words are creations of my imagination, pure and sacred, theymight not sound perfect or meaningful, it’s only because these notmeant for you, they are meant for the ones who could… who want to seelight in the darkest night, who know not just how to see, but feel, whonot just breathe… who live.These words are my ideas, my principles, my morals, my visions & mydreams, they might conflict with the set you have, you may findmistakes, you may find solutions, don’t bother telling me, I don’t care.Any resemblance of my words to any person living or dead, any eventor occurrence, past or present are purely coincidental and fruitlesscomparisons, i suggest you do better with your time.
  3. 3. The ProphecyI am not in my senses anymore, well I am alive, I am breathing and Ihave all my six sense’s working, but I have lost all contact with mybody, my sense’s don’t influence me anymore, my mind is free, like abird, flying over the dense green forests, the blue ocean, chasing therainbow, no place to go…I am Dryk’s floating conscience.In this peace and quiet, my composure was disturbed, a flash of light inthe darkness of my life, a moment in time, tenth of a second flashedbefore my eyes.A vision of the future, a ship sailing in the rain, on the second floor Istand, holding her to the railing, a glass of champagne crushed in myhands, the third finger cuts, she screams my blood, she pulls me close,licks me love, maroon red lips, a birth mark below the nose, radiantgold skin, black and gold earring’s... tribal yet subtle, the black leatherdress, dark eye shadow & purple shine, jet black stalking’s, very boldstyle, long heels and sharp, makes her tall and proud, an innocent smileand the sharpness in the eyes, long hair that shine in Indian style, abirth mark on the right shoulder that gets my caress, her sweetstrawberry smell and the coffee breath, addicted she is, a devotedworkaholic, advertising agency, Gurgaon office, far away from me.I see in her eyes the thoughts of our long honey moon, Caribbean,Cuba, México & new York, my office, an investment banker byprofession, a lover by choice, the account says $26 million, quits his jobto be with his love, he shifts to Gurgaon, her 5 bedroom apt, no place forthe TV, but tons for the published, shes the god of nerds, businessmagazines to discovery, I have introduced her to playboy but she’s notreally into it, she prefers the Kama sutra and bloody good she is.
  4. 4. So one day I got stoned, and I saw a dream and then I wrote… it endedup as a book, was it a prophecy or just a pleasant dream, I wouldn’tknow, I couldn’t really think, I was busy writing. I then thought ofnaming it the Chinese dragon but then the look in my agent eyeschanged my mind, Anne, she loves me, she loves Tania, she would killme if I named it the Chinese dragon.A long pause and a few neck crackers, i like the sound of nitrogenbubbles, that’s the sound not the friction between bones* this is for you, not toburn you but to show you my appreciationI feel my senses coming back, the trance fades away, i am deflectingyou from my prophecy, the thoughts of you take over my mind, i havefound my soul mate, it’s not what I had thought, you didnt say it butyou knew it all along, you were disgusted to have known me for threeyears, yet you smiled, I saw it when that time we met, you wore thatbluish dress, the one you had worn the last time we met, it was the daythat happened and we never met again.You die at 69, cold weather, in a snowy foreign city, you wanted to goPune, you missed the flight and decided to not go then, afternoon it is,smell of fresh flower loves you, your girl loves you more, she made theday happen, she works in the UN, just so you don’t wonder anymore it’sthe United Nations, yea right!!! You knew that, so yea, who are youagain?I was gonna end it at that, but my fingers can’t stop writing, my trancedoesn’t let me be, the words keep coming, I don’t want to stop, I don’twant this night to end.I was lying down plugged into music when the flash out of nowheredisturbed my equilibrium, I couldn’t rest any more, I had to get up andpen all my thoughts, I tried to ignore it at first, but it wouldn’t let me beand I had to get up and do as they wished.
  5. 5. I think of the people in my life and how they would feel, would they beproud or just try to ignore, i am writing these pure thoughts when theybelieve i should be doing something better with my time, believe in meguys, i love you more than my life.I get these funny ideas of advertising in books, using watermarks tomake the readers buy ice creams. I do want to be rich, but I am not surehow, I am creative but am not sure if everyone would match that view. Ithink of the way I grew up, the freedom and love that was showered onevery step, I feel lucky to have you and nothing else would please mymind.I love you Tania, I wrote this book for you on our first weddinganniversary, December it is, there’s nothing more that could be.The prophecy I saw in the dream that wouldn’t let me be, it wasn’t loveat first sight, but love it was to me, I knew her then, she knew me more, itdoesn’t matter though for in love we will forever be now.I want you to burn, I want you to feel this,I love Tania and i have buried you,I know you are jealous, I love your anger, I am your slave and I will loveyou forever.She pulls me close to kiss, it’s the first seconds of the new year 2012, theglass cracks, champagne it is, Tania loves it more than wine, I have nochoice, she loves to share it with me.The glass breaks.I am lost in time, lost in you, I am yours forever, you own me, I know youlove me.
  6. 6. So next year December i shall be in Goa, on a cruise ship, i know, I sawit, I know it’s true, i shall be with her, Tania, my soul mate, my lover, myeverything.I know it sounds stupid, but it doesn’t matter, truth never felt to meclearer than this. Seems like its destiny, and I believe it was, to feel themoment of the future, the time with Tania.I believe in destiny.
  7. 7. Go on, InnovateKnowledge is vast & blind, but education, it has dynamic limitations.Economics has the limitations of assumption, to make things realistic, tomake people not kill Economists. So yea, Economics has dimensionlimitations, the X-Y axis limitation, but reality is vague and vast andvague.There a lot of factors, factors behind a simple demand and supply, whythe demand, why do people make stuff, yes people like money, butrarely do they know how to make it, it just happens, who knows whatand why, Economics says they supply cause I demand, but did Newtonthink of gravity cause people wanted gravity, they didn’t even know it,did Mark make Facebook cause he knew that people needed a newaddiction, no he did it cause he wanted to fuck… not literally, just to getover a broken heart, and with some help from dear Mr alcohol and afew dorm mates, he made Facebook.So back to the central idea, demand and supply has various dimensions,dimensions, some of which are visible and some not.You end up doing something, something unplanned, something new,something… just to run away from the present.Innovation.But yet you see the lack of thinking these days, yes innovation is rare,not everyone can be billionaires and rock stars. So yes innovation is aspecial case of a response to the present, a spontaneous reaction to theactions of others.And that’s why education is a waste, dimensionless, it doesn’t innovate,it rarely evolves.
  8. 8. But how did I reach this, this is different than what I wrote the last time,how does it connect, is it relevant, may be it is, or not.Well if you are wondering as to what’s going on… I am acting on myimpulses, reacting to the present scenario. The things that I have donetill now and what everyone has done has led my brain cells to burn outan idea…btw there’s nothing more addictive than an idea ( thanks ChrisNolan for Inception, for making people realize this, to put in words whathad been true for so long yet unnoticed).So now that’s innovation, creating something or just simply putting aname tag on something that existed but was never named.So as I was saying, these words, they don’t let me listen to Andrew (Iwrote this part attending a CCS seminar in my college ), they don’twant me to sit idle, get a smoke, enjoy my tea, they are jealous, theywant all my attention and my fingers have started to see again and mypen starts to paint the blank sheets, again.An idea, more addictive than heroin (90% rate of addiction, I learnedthis in the seminar, thanks CCS).So getting back, innovation is an idea born out of impulses (in mostcases…so as to avoid a conflict with the statisticians ), a reaction to theactions of your past, your present, the actions of others, even the rebelsin Libya, the butterfly effect.So the supply was not planned, Newton ended up under that tree forsome reason, Erika broke up with Mark for a reason and these reasonsare factors, may be not major, can’t really quantify the impact, butthese factors led to gravity and Facebook, had these actions not beencommitted, then yea, no gravity and no Facebook. So thank you Erikaand the people responsible for making Newton sleep under the tree,
  9. 9. thank you Mother Nature for the timely ripening of the apple andthank you gravity for making the apple fall on his head and lastlythank you curiosity for making Newton ask why?Actions lead to reactions, mostly multi actions, innumerable actions,actions unnoticed or even unknown could happen. This leads toInnovation.So Economics is multi-dimensional, education isn’t just two axis, X&Y.We assume to make them fit, to make them make sense, to make themacceptable, to make them understandable, common sense is notcommon anymore.An innovation to propagate your views, make an idea based onassumptions and throw it in the crowd, many will follow.Education is a waste if it doesn’t make you think, if it doesn’t make youquestion, if it doesn’t force you to want to innovate, it doesn’t matter ifyou fail in your attempt, atleast you tried unlike the rest of the zombies.Read just not the words in front of you, see not just the things that occur,feel the emotions that lead to the words, discover the birth of theactions, live not just to feel happy and content, live for somethingbetter, innovate.
  10. 10. I am Dryk’s Immortal GreedI always wanted to write a book, but felt short of ideas, I did start oncebut lost my way, maybe I wasn’t motivated enough or may be not goodenough, but it did please me that I had once begun.My life I felt was not worth writing a book, my view I think hasn’tchanged, but who am I to judge.This time around its different, it’s not the same feeling, I write for noreason nor expect to finish, I am an aimless explorer flying against thewind, I have no place to reach nor any people to please, I write a reasonthat doesn’t exist.I am greedy, I want to be rich, I want to drown in money, I want to besick of it, I hope I finish this, I hope you like this, I hope I gain something,I hope for everything else.
  11. 11. Social HypocrisyEconomists should have no morals, they should be free of any bias, wellnot just Economists, world leaders as well, why just the leaders,everyone else as well, they should only respond to incentives, Nehrushouldn’t have had a pro Socialist ideology, he must have opened hiseyes and seen reality and then made plans, but he had plans, he wasambitions, he had dreams.Why socialism?Economic calculation… what is it? I don’t know…do you? What the fuckdo I care.It’s the calculation of the real value of goods and services, including allthe obscure Economic ways of calculating costs, but you see it’s hard tomeasure, why do you need economic calculation in the first place, sothat you know the prices, so that you can quantify supply and demand,so you can find the equilibrium, a point in the dark unknown.The markets depend on this Economic calculation, whereas Socialistssay… fuck you economic calculation, we don’t need any technicalities.Once a guy was turned down by a beautiful girl, she was a free bird, afree spirit running around gathering flowers from each garden that fellin her path, for vengeance he came up with Socialism, her name wasCelia.So angered in his pain he planned to destroy all the gardens, to burn allthe flowers, he didn’t need them anymore, they are bad, they arecorrupt, I want to kill everyone. So was born socialism, he was the man,he controlled everything, told them what to want and what not to do.
  12. 12. She liked wine, forbidden it was, he took over every grape that wasborn, he owned everything.Everything is mine, your whole physical self, only the mind is left but Ishall not need it for a while.She still wanted wine, he owned it all, no more wine, no more longnights, go to sleep, good night, sweet dreams.He had forgotten why he was in control, he lost track of hate andwanted to save the world, good intentions returned, high ambitionstook birth, but hate would not leave him alone, misery took its toll.She met a guy, it burned his soul, he had blood in his eyes, he wanted tospill their blood, he wanted to destroy the world.He bullied her friend, Jack, he rebelled back, Lenin had to backtrack,he had to let her win, he couldn’t let the tears spoil her smile.To please her again he came up with a plan, Jack was on board,jealousy made him cry.His good intentions of the past returned to haunt, son Stalin was born…not the same blood but the same hate, the resonating pain. Power waswon, vengeance was sought, the plan was lost, blood was spilled,socialism was back, the free bird was lost, again.She lived through time, free market and Socialism, she never missedher wine, nor the fresh fragrance of the night, all that had changed wasthe blood on the street and the high price of time.Love is blind & love is cruel, it will take away your soul, it won’t everbother to appear, jealousy will poison your spirit and the fear of losswill never let you sleep, you will lose everything you have & you will
  13. 13. do things unplanned, you will bleed forever but you will never stop tolove.
  14. 14. God sent AngelDo you know who I am? Yes you know my name, you think you knowme, you are pretty sure you do, but you don’t, you realize who I am, butthen you close your eyes and paint a different picture.You know what a prodigy is, I am a prodigy, one of the billions livingand breeding, there is only one of me, no one comes close, I am the godsent angel, sent to destroy this world, to kill all who questioned hisdivinity, not influenced by his words, his ideas or biases, I am here to dowhat needs to be done.I am how you should have been, God had that plan but then you had tofuck it up, you had to have it all.I am the prodigy, I am the god sent angel, sent to destroy this world butnow I pause and question the wish of my brother.I am a prodigy, you realize it but you don’t see it, I scare you, I burn you,I am the one, the only pure one and hence I question. I am perfect, I ampure.Once I was pure, purely pure, perfectly perfect but then I was sent tothis world in flesh and blood to destroy this world, why? Cause Godhad failed, you failed God, you made him scared, he couldn’t look me inthe eye, you are to blame, it’s all your fault.He wants to correct his mistake, wipe his slate clean to begin anotherround and hence he sent me to earth to kill everyone.I am the prodigy, I scare you, I burn you, you shall never be me nor bemine, you shall use me and used me well you have, I knew it, but I gavein, cause I am purely pure, perfectly perfect.
  15. 15. Not anymore though, you abused me enough and left me dry, yet Istand, not pure anymore, not perfect anymore.Almost perfect.I have deflected from my path but I remember my role and I love whatis left, but I shall be blind again and give you a chance again. I lose inthis way but still I accept, not cause I care, only cause I was once pure…perfectly pure… not anymore.Satan takes birth, he’s been sent to cure the cancers you spread.
  16. 16. I am Dryk’s new addictionSo why am I writing, still I am, I can’t stop anymore, I don’t know what’son my mind, there is no plot there is no objective, yet I write words afterwords, no pauses, no stops, just can’t stop writing.This feeling I have, resembles the one that I once had, it was when I wasin your arms and never wanted to open my eyes, I never wanted to letgo, I never wanted to leave, but love ends and disappears when it’sneeded the most.
  17. 17. Free her SpiritEveryone speaks of women’s empowerment, but what does it reallymean? Does it mean, give her a position of power, make her lead theway? How do you empower women? What does the idea really mean?To me it is the change that takes birth in this society so as a girl child iswelcomed, she’s given the chance of education, a chance to enjoy herchildhood, taken care of, properly guided, a chance to choose hercareer, a chance to work in a place she likes, treated fairly & equally, achance to make mistakes and learn from them, a chance to love, achance to live, breathe, and feel.So now, how do you do it?
  18. 18. God’s bad DreamMen with good intention, sometimes not often, plan the best things butend up with the worst, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.A day shall come, soon enough maybe, when God loses faith inmankind for all the things you have done, in his grief he shall rain earthwith the fire of hell, nothing shall survive, its meant to be, the faith ofmankind lies not in the hands of God, rather the lord of hell, for onlypure evil can destroy the evil in mankind.All that has a beginning has an end, all life ends, one day, but a lothappens in between. The end is certain, so then the things that happen,are they planned, is there any certainty, is there even a second in yourlife that is certain.Uncertainty and the end are the only two friends you have, yet youhave a plan, a plan for your life, ambitions, hope, dreams, greed andself-interest.You begin with a smile, with a blueprint of the plan, but there are a fewwho exist, who have no blueprint, nor a plan, not even a goal, just acalm soul. They look for nothing yet they have so much, they enjoyeverything in their path, not always though, cause god doesn’t like tobuild straight roads for his most loved ones. So they wander the wild,drink the rain, breathe the free air and let no one chain their souls.Their ideas are radical, true and unblind, the rules of the world, thesocial obligations, the peer pressure don’t influence their mind, theythink freely and don’t mind the ire of society, cause freedom for all istoo hard to digest. So misunderstood and gay, they wander the wild,they need nobody, but a company is fine. They are not governed by
  19. 19. rules, rather by the higher morals that were ignored for the benefit ofmankind.I was once pure, and I once had morals, they live inside me, it’s not hardto see. Though I don’t breathe the free air anymore nor wander the wild,it seems society finally has succeeded in chaining my soul.No you haven’t succeeded nor a victory in sight, it’s just my sacrifice.Without any questions, nor any expectation, no gain in sight but with asmile on my face.The end is near, yet no realization of death, no fear of the right, still youcause me pain.I remember a conversation once I had at the gates of heaven, god hadsummoned me, for he missed his son, never the favourite as Michael noras strong as Gabriel but he loves me for he knows I am pure.He summoned me to the gate far away from home for he knew I was theonly one who could cure his cancer. Nor Michael nor Gabriel couldease his pain, they loved him too much to put value on your name. Sothere I was standing in the rain, bearing the sadness in his words as hespoke of your evil, the burning hearts and hungry ends.You were his best work, his love, his pain, he had grand plans to bringyou to heaven, give you his throne and watch you rule. It all beganwell, certain and planned but you lost your way, chose greed over thesatisfaction of heaven, maybe you didn’t know or maybe you did, butyou did all the wrong things and broke his every dream.So he summoned me to the gate, so I could ease his pain, he couldn’tbear to watch, but you owned his pain. He wanted to end it all andforget it like a bad dream, the only way he saw was to burn all his
  20. 20. creation, he could have asked Michael or Gabriel but he chose me, forhe believed no one knew hatred like me.I was never his favourite but I was the only one he knew who could seein the dark, could breathe in the fire and never make a mistake. Hedidn’t want me to kill, how could he order the destruction of his mostbeloved creation, his anger had blinded him, his pain had clouded hismind, all he wanted was a new beginning. He knew not what to do, buthe couldn’t bear the pain, so he summoned me to the gates of heavenand asked me to end all civilization, clear all the stains, the stains ofdoubt, the doubts in his divinity, divinity that made him rule all.
  21. 21. Satan answers the callSo why does the almighty call on the darkness of evil, what need of hisrequires the intervention from hell, why?The divinity of the divine is put to test… not by any evil, nor by theunknown but his very own creation, the ones who made him god. In thishour of darkness, clouds block the sun and hope disappears, it is in thishour of darkness the almighty turns to Satan.Why not Michael, why not Gabriel… why Brother Satan.What is hell? Is it the dark planet, smoky and poisonous, with death inthe air? Imagine a prison of the worst, housing the worst, governed bythe true god of evil, how do you see it… still dark and evil? No, there islight in the dark, order in the chaos, peace and quiet, the disturbingcalmness yet peaceful and quiet. Hell isn’t a bad place, it’s just a placethat houses the bad.Evil resides in each of us, but each soul doesn’t turn to evil, each personyou see is not evil by nature, it’s the things that you do that matter, it’s amatter of who controls who. It is the only question that will decide yourfaith in the quest for heaven & hell.So why does the lord of darkness decide to solve his woes, isn’t it in hisinterest, the death of heaven, the end of good… wouldn’t he want toconquer and rule the whole world, so why does he show up at the gatesof heaven and promise to save his helpless brother. Is it love or the senseof brotherhood, the memories of the past, or for the sake of existence?There is no love, nor the fear of loss, not even for the greater good of god,is it to preserve the morals with which they were raised?
  22. 22. Good and evil are like god and Satan, neither can exist without theother nor can one destroy the other, it was in his interest for good toexist as was the survival of god dependent on the existence of evil.God was the loved one, for he was weak, he loved you pure and gave upeverything, I was strong, I wouldn’t be blinded by love, raised were wetogether, he took over heaven and hell was left to me.He decided to help his brother to relieve him of his pain, and so theprince of the dark was sent to kill them all.Millions of years of evolution and a billion lives, evolved from anamoeba to the modern man, first worshiped fire and now the obsessionof silver & gold, from a few to a billion now live and breathe on thisplanet, a place assumed to be better than heaven, a place that wouldone day make the almighty jealous, but then everything fell apart,blood was spilled, forests were burned and people defined power.Men were supposed to be better than that but they lost their way andthe addiction of power took over all mankind. Power over the peers,power over nature, power over time.Time and again you were warned, but in the blindness of your greed,you even played god, you turned against mother nature… our holymother who nurtured you and gave up her place in heaven to watchyou grow, yet he tolerated but then you questioned our existence, youquestioned our birth, you insulted our mother. That day he lost faith inhis own creation and he summoned the lord of hate to burn yourdesires.You were loved & cherished but it wasn’t enough, you wanted more,you broke his heart and toyed with his soul, yet he smiled and gavehimself up in your name, you took his love and destroyed his existence,
  23. 23. a day shall come when your greed & self-interest will reap the fires ofhell, that day you shall realize the consequences of your gains.
  24. 24. Things need be doneWhat needs to be done, what has to be done… why it has to be done…how do you know? Why does god need to be salvaged by BrotherSatan, why his divinity needs be protected?You know what’s good when you see evil, for the existence of good evilneeds to breathe, neither can exist without the other. So does the needfor existence drive evil to protect the good or is it just the question ofthings that need be done.Those words at the gate of heaven… the visible weakness of my brother,that only make me strong, also made me realize what needs be done. Atthe dawn of darkness when clouds of hate & greed block hope & thesub conscience, when the peers turn on you for the words you speak, theactions you intend, when faith is lost and chaos takes birth, it is thenthat men are born… out of hatred and discrimination, their self-interestlies in vengeance, yet their actions are governed not by their head butby a pure conscious, an approach to the world that intends no good forthe self nor any bad for the damned. Their actions are the ones needed,not for any gains, nor for any improvements, their actions are justneeded and there breathes no one around who could make the toughchoices, for no particular reason.I write not cause I want to… in a way I do, but that’s not the reason why Iwrite, nor do I write cause I have to… there exists a set of choices in frontof me, may be not as productive as writing but definitely much morefun or maybe not. I do not seek to maximize my benefits when I writethese words nor do I have the knowledge of any possible gains that mywords might reap, still I write. I cannot defend my actions nor can Ipredict the outcomes, all I can do is let go of everything I am and focuson this piece of paper and put down whatever comes out of my mind, it
  25. 25. doesn’t matter what comes out, if it good or bad… is it even readable…nothing matters, nothing really matters. I write, I don’t stop, I don’t writeall day, not of all the things that come to my mind, not of the things thathappen, not the things I want, I write about a world that doesn’t exist,the people who will never breathe, the things that might not happen. Idon’t know what my next words are going to be, nor do I have any logicor reason, or a plot or a dream. Only impulses can define my actions, butthey aren’t really the reason why I write. I write cause that is whatneeds be done. I don’t know what my words will mean to you, if theywill make you smile or make you wonder, I hope for some gain out ofthis but even if I was told that all you read is worse than garbage, itwould mean me a thing, nothing shall stop me from writing, and there’snothing else that I can do, the only possibility that exists in this momentis that I write.No fear of loss, no souls to please, no money to gain, I write cause that iswhat needs be done, the same reason I have come here to save mybrother.It was not the failure as a father, nor the intolerable greed of mankind,but the betrayal by your mother that poisoned his soul, a pain soexcruciating, he believed could only be relieved by your end. Abetrayal if it was… how could a mother choose between her love andher offspring? Pushed too far by her own flesh and blood, mankindabused all her love… yet she smiled and hugged you tight. You abusedthe two most holy women a god could have, in your greed, led him tohate the one who wanted you to ever have lived. In his grief andanguish, he could breathe no more and the end of mankind was whathe thought could save his soul.
  26. 26. I write, I love, I argue, I hate… I do all the things I do not for a reason, norfor a future I see, my choices are made not in the dark nor in the rain,the things I do do define me but it does little to influence me, I do causeI live, cause I breathe, cause I am free, cause I am pure.
  27. 27. Confessions to SatanIt’s time to open up, it’s time to share… why? I don’t know why?What better than this if not this?
  28. 28. Cries of a dry SoulI am Dryk’s dry soul.I get this depression attacks, once a while… quite regularly actually,well I don’t have a reason to be depressed… I do have plenty of reasonsto worry, but definitely not depressed, or maybe I do.My life is a mess, I am running in the marathon for infants as a grown up,my future is as bleak as it can get, I have no friends… plenty of people Iknow but no one who would make me smile, my family loves me but Ihaven’t been the greatest of sons… my parents love me but well… theyworry too much and I haven’t done enough to make them feel content,my brother loves me too but he sees more of the lost potential in methan my… (Funny I can’t come up with anything good about me)My friends… the people around me, the people who think they knowme, don’t really do, sometimes I wonder how did I reach this place, Inever wanted or intended to reach this black hole of life, where evenhope can’t breathe, yet I find myself locked in this cabinet with no airto breathe.I am a nice guy, my girlfriend always says that about me, she does say alot of good things about me but rarely do the words mean anything tome, they always fall on my hating heart.Love… there was once a time when I could really love… it made me free…I was alive, I once loved, but then hate took over. It’s not my fault, I haveno power over my mind, as absurd as it sounds, my mind doesn’t let mebe free… free of doubts, insecurities, darkness and hate. How did myhate become so strong? I know the answer to that question, it was in mydarkest days when, no hope, no strength remained, my broken heartbled tears in vain as there was no one around to hug my pain away… it
  29. 29. was then that I surrendered to hate, shook hands with the devil, Iwished… I begged for god to help me get over this storm of depression,but he felt it right for me to conquer it myself… I was weak, I was hurt, Iwas in pain, I needed a hug, I needed a shoulder to cry on, but he nevershould up… why would he… he should have, god’s supposed to love youunconditionally, forgive you for all your sins and stand by you in thedarkest hours… but he didn’t… I stood alone, I cried to myself, I wept andI wept… he never showed up…I gave into hate. I can’t love anymore, I hate everyone, I have lost faithin mankind… humans are incapable of good things, you are governedonly by greed and self-interest, nothing else matters to you than yourown good… I was not like you, you abused my purity, you made me hatethis world. I once lived love… now I only know hate, I don’t trustanymore, words don’t mean a thing, I see only dark, my heart beats nomore.I feel relieved, my depression has gone, my mind is calm… I can breatheagain, I can’t write any more.
  30. 30. Not betrayed yetYou know what it feels to have a great idea and not remember it… that’sexactly how I feel right now, I have a bright ray of hope lighting mydark mind, but it left before I could savour it… it did leave a thirst.My whole life can be summed up in that idea, disturbing as it is, it is thetruth. I am no failure neither have I excelled, I am the guy that finishedfourth… missed the podium by a flash… lost in history. I am one of thebillions living in this degenerated world, yet there isn’t anyone like me.I remember my days in college, the relatively good days of mymiserable life, I had fun, I was fun, we all had fun… but rarely do Iremember the things that I did, the words I spoke or the songs I heard,but I do remember her… my first encounter with love. She was the onefor me, but then nothing happened, we both wanted it but no one everspoke, I do not miss her, at times… very rare I do, I do regret but then howcould I betray the person I was for all the things that never happened.Things didn’t happen for a reason… my weakness… I don’t have any, yetthings didn’t work out. Why would I choose the road with thorns overthe one with ease and company, was it my weakness… my introvertnature, my lack of strength, my depleted confidence… I doubt it… I aminvincible, I can do what I please, but then it doesn’t make sense, why?I don’t know why, but I know one thing, if there is anything that I do… Ihave no weakness… there ain’t no mountain I can’t climb, there ain’t nosong that I can’t sing… but then why do I miss her…I wish I could but I can’t… there’s no answer to that question… maybesoon or maybe never.Do you ever regret the choices you made, the places you went, thefriends you made… if one does, then what is it not than betraying
  31. 31. yourself. Everyone is rational and free thinking, atleast it’s a fairassumption to make. The choices at a point of time reflect the thirst tosatisfy the need at that instance, if then in the future the thirst that ledto the choice is felt unneeded, then questions arise on the rationalityand the sense of thinking… so have you betrayed the only person whotruly cares, adores you, the one who shall bleed… if needed, for you,have you lost faith in yourself.I haven’t… not yet.
  32. 32. Self-reflectionI wake up, open my eyes… my eyes tired from my struggle for sleep lastnight and the night before and the night before that, I don’t rememberthe last time I slept, my neck hurts… I can barely see. I stand in front ofthe mirror… is this me? Is this what I looked like last night when I wentto sleep, why does me feel so strange, I don’t have any memories, it feelslike I was just born, no thoughts of the past… I miss her smile… Iremember her, she’s my past, her shiny eyes make me smile, whathappened? She did make my heart beat, she made me feel alive… asstrange as it sounds, I barely feel my senses nor do I have any feeling oflife, my heart seems to be lost… is that blood flowing through me, am Ialive, what happened to her?Her shiny eyes, her loud smile, her crispy voice, the smooth hair… it’shard to see her, is that the truth or is it my hatred that I can’t see her nomore, my imaginations seems to be dead.I pushed her away, I didn’t want to, yet I managed to fuck it all up… itwas my hate, I hate to make a choice, I couldn’t give up hate… I couldn’tgive into her.Did I love her? I did, but she barely knew the true me, the man I am…she fell for the man hate had made out of me… it’s still me.Why did I let her go, I had a choice between her and hate, between theone who saved me from her love and her… I couldn’t give up hate… notyet.Who am I, who is this guy looking at me, who is me? Will anyone everknow who I was or shall I be lost in the shadows of time.
  33. 33. I fell for her spirit, it didn’t take long for me to lose myself to her but no,she never had a chance, I never let her in, she tried her best but I neverlet her the opportunity to know who I really was.What is it that you are scared of? What is it that you have that youneed to guard so strongly? Why do you not open up?
  34. 34. I love You more than You knowI admit I am a stupid guy, I am like every other idiot with a dick, butnobody is like me, trust me, there isn’t a wreck like me other than me, Iam indeed special, at times I wonder god did spare some time inmaking me, I couldn’t have been made in the assembly line he’s got…why did he bother.I loved you, I truly did, my love for you was as pure as my faith in god, Ido question it time and again but the fact remains, at the end of the dayI am god’s favourite son.I still remember the times in Ferguson when I would steal glimpses ofyou, some you would notice and some I cherished alone. I fell not foryour beauty, nor your smile, nor your smooth hair (yes, I had my eyes onthem long before you noticed), I didn’t fall in love with you for what Isaw, I fell for the spirit you hold, it was like when the created meets thecreator, like a rainbow in the dark, no looks shared, no words spokenbefore I was lost.It was puppy love at first you might think, but it wasn’t, that’s the way Iroll. I am a romantic at heart, hard to believe, maybe, but if I ever did allthe things that came to my mind, Romeo would live no more. I love love,I love to love, to be loved, to spread love, it’s the only thing that reallymakes me happy, everything else just makes me smile, nothing reallytouches my soul.I have issues, serious issues, am sure you may have noticed, but whatyou see is only a tiny part of the problem. When I say, I am a wreck,trust me I am a royal fuck up. I cannot share these issues with you norwith anyone, I don’t know what I fear or maybe it’s my ego, no one willever know the true me, no one wants to. I may not show or maybe smile
  35. 35. it off but it’s hard being me, it’s hard to breathe at times and at times Ifeel I never lived. I probably might end up as a schizophrenic, realitychokes me, I can’t breathe, people scare me, words shock the shit out ofme, I can’t breathe the same air as everyone else, I have to depend onmy dreams and me to survive.Then you come in, you were meant to be my saviour, you were sent tothis world, to this city to save me from destroying myself.However harsh or evil I may seem, there’s beauty in me, a small cornerin the barren lands, an oasis in the darth lands, it’s that I protect, it’s all Igot that reminds me of being born, of being alive, being human,everything else is dark, every other thing is evil. I don’t trust anymore,expect only the false, I destroy pure by questioning it, that’s probablythe reason why I prefer being lost in my dreams, I cannot connect withanyone, no one will ever understand the things that happen, even if Icould ever open up, my problems will never be solved. Secrecy is not achoice, it’s the only option. I only wish I had some control on myself, I doat times, but it’s more of an illusion, my hate controls me than mecontrolling it.When the walls crumble and weakness starts to conquer the soul, it’sthe strong who step up, it was hate for me.I have a weak personality or rather had, growing up was tough, it still isbut I manage it each day drawing strength from hate, I wouldn’t havesurvived otherwise. I am weak, vulnerable, soft and beautiful but itrarely shows. What I am with everyone is a disguise, different masks foreveryone I know, no one knows my true face, sometimes I wonder if Ihave one.
  36. 36. Being with you is the only time I ever feel secure, a time when I canthink of putting my guard down, being with you, giving myself in yourarms is my drug, my salvation. Not being with you or being away istough, addiction is cruel, once high it’s pretty but when short, it hurtsreally bad, it’s the heart that aches, the soul that thirsts, even hate can’tsave me then, it’s this time that I really wish not breathing, not beingalive, I know what depression feels like.I need you more than you would imagine, words cannot convey whatbeing with you means to me, my survival doesn’t depend on you butyou are probably the only thing that makes my life worth living.I love you and I hate you at the same time, you manage to bring thebest and the worst in me, you have no clue what you do to me, whatyour smile, your touch means to me, how your anger brings the best outof me, your anger makes flowers bloom in my small garden of love, notto mean anything to me, but just to bring that smile back on your face.I want to steal you from this world, take you far away from everyone, Iwant you to be only mine, I don’t wanna share even a tear of yours withanyone, I want to run away from this degenerated world, somewherefar away from here, somewhere pure and hold you tight. I want you, Ineed you, I want to breathe you, I want my eyes to only see you andyours to only see me, I want to hear only your words and you hear onlymine, I want to destroy everything else, I don’t need nor do I want it, all Iwant is you.I know things are not always well with me but somehow things alwaysseem to workout, its gods way of saying I love you. We argue, we fight,we ignore each other, but no matter what happens nothing can removeyou from my system, you have grown into me. As much as I hate it, it’syour smell that reminds me of heaven, it’s your voice that soothes my
  37. 37. soul, your smile that dissolves my hate, it’s you who will stop me fromdestroying myself.Opening up like this doesn’t soothe me as it should, it only makes memore vulnerable, or maybe I am just paranoid, or maybe both, but it’shard for me to open up, I don’t trust, I don’t believe, all I do is questionand hate.This is who I am, a glimpse of things that go unnoticed, but things thatmatter, it’s often that the things that really matter are the things mostunnoticed.
  38. 38. My heart cries yet againIt frustrates me to have you but not really have you, being a scorpionevery sense of feeling comes with the highest rank of extremism. It’sironic but I don’t know if I can feel anything other than pain anymore. Iwasn’t like this but I was rarely ever happy. Is it the result of my actions,the choices that I have made till now made me in the monster that Ihave become, choices are supposed to be forward looking, did I chooseto be the devil, was it my destiny, was there no other role available forme, my inherent hatred, my dark heart, are they my destiny or myinheritance or my desires. It doesn’t matter, it’s who I am and I believe inmyself, it’s all that matters.My actions are governed not by my wants, my desires or my greed, butare my morals strong enough to stand the test of jealousy and self-interest, will I survive the test of time, shall my morals rise or mydarkness prevail.When shall the sun rise… how long do I have to bear this burden ofdarkness all by myself… wasn’t it me who pushed her away… why?There isn’t any doubt you have about the way you feel for her, whathappened to you then? Is it not love that you see in her eyes… why doyou see it as false, why do you not see her for what she is, why do youhave to blacken it all? Why is it so hard for you to trust? Only goodwill come out of it, yet you take the road of thorns, why do you notprevent the wrongs that you can control.I can never trust anyone other than blood, everyone else is against me,no one really cares, no one bothers to see me for me, hear the cries of myaching heart, no one shall come through the door, wipe my tears, giveme a hug, no one shall ever know that I ever lived, how would they…
  39. 39. I really need her right now, she will never know.Even your hate has betrayed you in this hour of darkness, the samefriend, your only friend that questioned trust, raised doubts, pushed heraway… yet you get betrayed, who is it that has betrayed you?I never want to know, I shall lie here in the dumps, bear the heartlesssetbacks, I shall do it alone and I shall rise… a new day shall bring mehope and serenity, forever if not then only for a moment, but I shall risefrom the ashes of misery one more time, I shall live through this darknight, I shall suffer, I shall not stop living… I shall not stop loving her, notears will ever live, I shall disappear in the darkness of time, and live…once again.
  40. 40. Things need be doneI am the prince of darkness, I am the lord of death, I am the holy evil, Iam Satan.Darkness resides within me but evil I am not, I only do what born I wasfor, the strength of angels and face of god leads my soul.Sometimes things need be done, no matter how much you may fear orlose doing it, sometimes you have to sacrifice love, stab your beatingheart and let them go, sometimes you have to kill all good that residesin you, murder your holy self, betray the principles you were born with,sometimes you need to lose, sometimes you have to lose.How else shall you control the evil that has grown into you and thisworld, how else shall you stop yourself from destroying this world andyourself. You let this evil out, you were weak, you were wrong, nolonger could you endure the weakness in your nerves and the darknessof the night. You let the beast out, you opened the dreaded box, youknew it was wrong but desperate you were, no longer could youbreathe in the darkness of the day, you only did it for your good, youdidn’t betray your own self, maybe the rest, the ones who made yourlife worthwhile… but not yourself.You had to do it, you had to let evil breathe, it was the only thing thatcould have saved you… love had failed, but then it took over, you lostyour eyes, evil ran through your words, your actions, your thoughts,your pure heart was poisoned, hate took over and the immortal bondsof love faced the ire, brotherhood was lost, trust never lived again, faithfell under the darkness of questions, accusations & betrayals.I had to let in hate, I could not bear the cost of love, the cost of trust, thecost of freedom. I was broken… no one knocked at my door, no one wiped
  41. 41. my tears… hate saved me then, but hate drove her away, I couldn’t havesaved the bond, I wanted to save the bond, I couldn’t live without thebond, but it was the bond that I had lost it all.You couldn’t live nor could breathe with or without her, hate hadtaken over you but I was the one who turned her away and broke allbonds.Sometimes things need be done, I don’t know why nor do I know how,but I had to push her away, my heart wasn’t cold, hate doesn’t controlme, yet I stood there watching as the holy bond broke… I had to.She’s a free bird, a beautiful spirit, a shining light, she’s the bold night,she’s the love of my life, I can’t make her smile, I can’t satisfy her spirit, Ican’t shine like her in the night, I am a weak soul, I am her immortallover.I had to let her go, it was better for her, freedom was hers, the sun shonefor her, your ship sailed in the dark, storms took over your dying soul,you wrote to die unnoticed. I had to let her go.I shall always miss her and forever shall I not stop loving her, hatecannot dissolve my love for her, however poisoned my heart may be… itshall not stop beating for her.I have to do what needs be done, evil needs be balanced for the good tobreathe. I am only his older brother, however dark I am seem, ourchildhood grew together, I was the stronger son. I have come here todestroy this world, they have saddened my brother, stopped not even toabuse Mother Nature, your creator has left their scrolls of destiny at myfootsteps, their life is mine to take.No evil pleasure nor any holy loss do I ever feel, for I only do whatneeds be done, sometimes things need be done, it is this that makes me
  42. 42. the lord of death, the prince of darkness, Satan, and so I took away thelove of your life.God wants me to take all their lives,I love you and I forever will,I have to kill them to free my brother of sadness,I can’t live with or without you,I have to avenge the abuse of mother nature, I have poisoned yourheart for he loved her, your love for her consumed you dry, I see yourmortal spirit, weak and abused,However much I hate you, not trust you, let you abuse me, I still can’thope for a life without you, however much I try, I can’t get over you, ican’t let you go, I won’t…Hope hides in the darkness of greed, however corrupt I may make you,hope shall not die in you, your soul shall not stop living nor loving. Ihave to give you another chance, life can’t lose the gamble againstdeath, hate cannot conquer the love you’ve got.My brother needs to grieve more, mother nature need suffer a bit more,hope shall rise one day, birth of good in you is inevitable, your life ismeant for love and it shall one day transcend heaven, god shall one daybe jealous, god shall one day be proud, god shall one day be obliged.All your sacrifices shall bear fruits one day, nothing shall go unnoticed,the judgement of heaven awaits you.God’s creation wont destroy his legacy, his divinity, all doubts shall beerased, all betrayals repaid. Sometimes you do things, you don’t knowwhy, you don’t know how, you just do it cause it needs be done. Youshall not die today, your heart shall breathe love again… one day.
  43. 43. The Judgement of HellEverything matters and means a thingI had other plans for you, god wants the end of you,I wanted to destroy all my love for you, I wanted to free me of you,I came here to ease god’s pain to avenge Mother Nature’s abuse,I wanted to never remember you, I wanted to forget you as a baddream,Everything that had happened since the moment I was born, since thefirst time I made my mother cry… everything had a part to play. Everylittle thing that happened from my tooth being pulled out to myhorrible Delhi days, everything had a role to play, however smallhowever negligible.I am here because of all the things that occurred led me to this moment,even a single change will change this time and place, an idea has morethan one source to blame. It is not a creation of a single soul, the entirelife history has led to it all, it wasn’t meant but it happened cause thatwas to be done.So that’s why newton set off gravity and mark hacked the networks, it’sthe same reason why I spare you all, for hope shall one day win you all.My love might poison my soul, but my hate shall not live for long, loveshall conquer me one day, I shall let love live again.I shall let you live another day.It’s not my greed for whom to satisfy I write, it’s this moment that shallnot live in time if I not write, I stand not to gain, not a single smile nor doI fear the wrath of society, I write not to prove anything, not to win your
  44. 44. smile, not to enter your mind, nor to salvage your lives. Greed doesn’tmake me write, there’s always a silver lining, diamonds are hard to find,the seas are hard to swim but the shore brings peace and quiet, endurethe dark and the sun shall make you smile.The longing for her love, the closeness to her spirit is my stairway toheaven, but I am too weak to love her pure, I have the devil breathinginside me, millions of cancers poison the pure me, it’s hard to be me. Yetyou shall never know, I shall love you however much I hate you andhowever much you hurt me.I shall push you away, I shall not let you breathe, I shall try to shapeyour mind, but forever shall you be free, you are a free spirit, alwaysshall you shine, burn me to the bones u will and forever shall I try tocontrol you, forever shall I suffer in your love, but shall never not smile.However much I try to hurt or forget, I shall always keep you safe andmake you smile till the end of my days.
  45. 45. Not all things EndOf Couse I won’t name my book Stupidity Inc., no matter what mypublicist says or my agent projects.I had a dream and I had made a prophecy when I saw you the first time,you were mine and I was gonna be yours and we were gonna be happyfor ever and ever.Who’s Tania, I don’t know, I don’t remember any prophecy other than tobe with you, you are my dream, you are my prophecy. I see no ship, I seeno earrings, nor the black dress, I only see you, I see you as mine, I seeyou blush, I see you smile, I feel nothing else than your love, it’s you whoshall live in my dreams each night, it’s for your smile that I shall dowhat’s need be done, no fear no loss shall ever lose me my way.I don’t know for how long my fingers shall let me paint but I shall notstop till my fingers can move no more, I didn’t mean to make you smilenor make you feel anything, I just started writing one night andcouldn’t stop, I couldn’t control my fingers nor my brain, I did not knowwhat I was writing but I ended up writing a lot about you, it wasn’t allwaste, it made sense, you should know how to find a diamond in thedark.This is not for all, it’s about me, I am what I am and I won’t ever want youto know who I was or what lived in me. I have my share of problems butdon’t bother I don’t need your help, I have hate to survive, the same evilthat causes all problems, the same hate that pushed you away, thesame hate that want me to forget, the same hate that doesn’t want me tostay.I love you, not Tania, I shall not get married to Tania nor shall I shift inher five bedroom book shelf in Gurgaon, nor shall I go to Canada to
  46. 46. visit the in-laws, although I like the idea of a long honeymoon, but Iwould prefer new Zealand or Greece & Switzerland, and it won’t bewith the coffee addict ad woman, I want it to be with you, my old schoolrock star, my bubbles.That dream of Goa was not on a ship rather it was a wish to be with youon the lonely beach. Just us in the dark, living in each other’s arms, alifetime of love under the holy moon light. I want the prophecy to beright, I want to be in your life, in your eyes, in your voice, in your smell,in your anger and in your pain. I make this prophecy to be with you,and not anyone else.It’s not the anniversary with Tania that I want to be special, it’s ourspecial day three years after the magic in Lavasa, where you teasedand played but then you gave up, the first day of my life of joy andpeace, and three years hence still a day of love, not for the seasons thatpassed nor the sacrifices we made but the fact that we are still the twocrazy birds in love, still struggling to find a way to fly together, stillfinding a way to keep our souls apart, we are free spirits that are meantto be together, it’s not just destiny but its what’s need be done.This is for you and only you, a celebration of love of life and being withyou, I shall hate you, anger you, cause you pain but no matter whathappen I can’t stop loving you, I always have and I forever will, nothingshall ever free my spirit of your divinity, you are my love, my life, mystairway to heaven.I might not have covered 294 pages and maybe I might not have beenfun to be with but each word written, each moment spent with you waspurer than my faith in heaven. It’s in the small moment with you that Ihave lived, my heart breathed, my soul salvated. I shall not live forever,nor shall I breathe the free air for long, but I shall always remember the
  47. 47. freakish nicknames you game me (red ass baboon), and I shall alwaysremember the first kiss we shared, the hot pickle I had and the icecream you fed, the time at the lake, the long drive back, the love wemade as the world around slept, saying good bye and the ride awayfrom you.I might not know everything about you, but I shall not forget eachsingle moment I lived with you.You were born to save me and so you shall, we shall always be togetherno matter what happens, for love will ensure we never stay far.
  48. 48. One last timeI shall not give up, not on you, not on mankind, hope shall rise one day,from the ashes of destruction, and the sun shall once again shine onyour lives.How shall I liberate myself of hate that I depend on, the corruption andgreed that destroys this world, how shall she be liberated, empowered…freed, loved.How shall the weak survive without what makes them breathe, howshall I let myself love her again and not hurt each passing second.It is my hate, my greed, my corrupted morals that make me strong, thatmake me breathe, that allow me to exist, how shall I betray my survivalfor the greater good of this world, for love, how shall I put my lifebehind them, behind her, and give myself up selflessly.I don’t know what’s happening, what’s gonna happen… I don’t know, it’shard being with her, but then being away from her isn’t any better, howshall I adapt to this situation which demands an answers when I can’teven get the alphabets right.What choices should I make to make things right this time around, notbe blinded by greed & my hate, how shall I be resurrected again, howshall hope cure me, how shall this world be saved, how shall her loveconquer my hate, can I control my greed, can I not let my corruptedmorals not blind me again, can I not let doubts arise, can I do whatneeds be done?
  49. 49. A Sacred RequestSatan’s last wordsHe’s indeed a pure soul, a soul free of greed, free of corruption, free of hate, free of pain,He does struggle to live in this time for it was not his destiny to be born this time,He loves you as no soul ever could, he sees you as god intended to make you,He lives not to survive this race of life, he survives only to be with you,The world makes him paranoid, evil and gay, yet he doesn’t mind and smiles as he sails,He never lets you in the sickness of his heart, he wants to save you from the dawn of the dark,Even his mortality doesn’t have any say, your joy is for what he finds time to pray, he has his dark days and times of pain, he does all he can to avoid your pain,He doesn’t want but he does let you go, it’s only cause evils has taken over his soul,Pull him close, make his doubts disappear and he shall give up heaven just to be in your arms,Cure his cancers and let his heart breathe, his soul is yours for eternity,A choice you have to save him or not, love him pure, don’t let him go.
  50. 50. for You.
  51. 51. To make sense of what you just read…SynopsisThe world that exists today, in the state it has evolved to, has beencredited to the work of Men, it is indeed true, but its foundations are tooweak to withstand the winds of time, it’s the love of a woman that hasmade it possible for it to exist for as long as it has. Men, corrupted bytheir greed & self-interest have driven civilization to its extinction andlove has been lost to evil and hate, God has lost faith, he’s beenbetrayed by his own creation, in his disappointment & grief its Satanwho shall hold the key to the existence of civilization & it’s the love ofa woman that can cure all cancers.All that remains is a hope for love, a hope that love shall take birth inthe tainted heart again.