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NoNovember 6, 2008 Kikuko McCandlish Presentation on Adlerian Parenting to Commission on Children Youth and Families (CYF)


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NoNovember 6, 2008 Kikuko McCandlish Presentation on Adlerian Parenting to Commission on Children Youth and Families (CYF)

  1. 1. The presentation Farmington/Farmington II s for Hi Commissionon Children,Youth and Families ThursdayNovember6tn,2008 Adlerian Parentins with Mv Multicultural Experiences quot;A DemocraticChild Trainingo' MAMFC, LPC, NCC, BL, BA Prepared Kikuko McCandlish, by First of all,I would like to talk aboutmy multiculturaljoumey startingin Japan.I was bom and grew up in Japan.I stayedin Japanuntil I receiveda Bachelorof Law degree from Konan University, Kobe, Japan. I have spenthalf of my life in Japan,and have spentanotherhalf of my life in Germanyand The United Statesof America. In total, I hive beento 24 differentcountriesincluding Asia, CentralAmerica, North America, Westemand EasternEurope,Russia,and Australia. I spentthe whole of my life to study Japanese law, philosophy,political science, English, German,Spanish,and Swedish languages cultures,Koto music and (Japanese String Instrument),divinity, chilO devilopment,parenting,psychology,and counseling. total, I have a Bachelorof Law In degreefrom Japan,a B.A. in Political Sciencedegreefrom GonzagaUniversity, Spokane, WA, and a M.A. in Marriage and Family Counselingdegreefrom Adler School of Professional Psychologyin Chicago,IL. After working in the administrativedepartment at Consulate-General Japanin Frankfurt/Main,Germanyfor 6 years,I got married of with an American in Frankfurt, Germany.Two yearsafter our daughterwas born in Germany,we moved back to America. After our son was born in Philadelphia,I started to work as a part time studenttoward a Masterof Divinity degreeat EasternBaptist TheologicalSeminaryin Philadelphia, and studiedthere for 7 yearsuntil we moved to FarmingtonHills, Michigan. When our daughterwas attendinga preschoolin Wayne, pA, my husbandand I took a parentingcoursewhich was basedon Adlerian Psychology. This parentingcourseopenedmy eyes,and encouraged to becomea parenting me educator and a LicensedProfessional Counselorlater' Throughtheselife processes, finally decided apply for Americancitizenship I to in fhiladilphi ain 1993because wantedto live in America as an active participant,not as a I guest. {in. y.* later, on March 2nd,7gg4,Ibecamean American in Philadelphia.It was a cold day, but I was very wann because the excitement. My husbandand our children of attended naturalizationceremony lhe with me. American Governmentstartedin philadelphia,and my life as an American startedalso in Philadelphia.What's a coincidence! was a greatfeeling. We as a family usedto take a walk in Valley Forge It Park where GeneralGiorge Washingtonand his army stayedduring the cold winter. What When I took a walk *ornd Valley ForgePark, I often askedPresidentWashington I could do for this country as a new American.One day my prayer was answered, that on
  2. 2. day I madea commitment to raiseour childrento be resilient,competent, responsible, thoughtful,and contributing adults for America and beyond.In September1994,1started to teachAdlerian parentingclasses Japanese English in Wayne, PA. My husband in and and I have raisedour children through Adlerian parentingmethodsfor more than 20 years. In 2006, we sentoff our daughterto NorthwesternUniversity, Evanston,IL, and we sent off our son to Michigan StateUniversity this fall. Our housebecamean empty nest. When I looked back my life, Adlerian parentingand psychologychangedmy life- - tremendously.In different countries, peoplebehavedifferently, and sometimesI was confusedby thosebehaviors.I often believedwhat peoplesaid,but peopleoften didn't do what they said.i was sad and angry for thosemisbehaviors, and I becamebitter. Aifred Adler's theory (Adlerian Psychology)guidesme to understand human behaviors. Adlerian psychologyemphasizes not the words, but the actions. Actions tell the truth. on ThroughAdlerian parentingcourses, leamedto separate deedfrom the doer in the I the caseof other people's misbehaviors.This teachingtransformed feelingsfrom bitter to my compassion. Adlerian Psychologyis often called socialpsychologyand common sense psychology.Adlerian parentingis the democraticchild training. Adlerians believethat we are social animals.We strive to belongto our society. Peoplemisbehave when they can't find their own placesin our society. Rudolf Dreikurs,M,D. points out the following misbehaviors. Qhildren needto belongto survive.and thev sometimes to ., try 6elong by misbehaving..TFe four goalsof misbehaviorare (l)Attention, (2)Power,(3) ffiInadequacy.Whenchildrenfeelinsecure,theyseekattention. When children feel inadequate, they seekpower. When children feel insignificant,they seekrevenge.When children feel useless, they use displaysof inadequacy.Theseare their coping skills. I saw often thesemisbehaviors amongadultstoo. They don't know how to belong in useful ways. They can learnpositive coping skills through the method of naturaland logical consequences encouragement. and I havetaught Adlerian parentingclasses more than 14 yearsin Japanese English. for and Ihaveusedthet.*t,.@]@il&fqre..{r..tiquot;:-perentineThistextemphasizes democraticchild training. The democraticchild-traintngprocedures basedon are principlesof equality and mutual respect. Adults and children are not the same'Equality meansthat children are equal to adultsin terms of humanworth and dignity. Democracy permitschoice.Democraticparentsprovide opportunitiesfor children to make decisions, within limits, and to be responsible thesedecisions. The text providesa disciplinary for techniquethat replacesreward and punishments, permits choice,and allows childrento be responsible their own decisions. The altemativeto reward and punishmentis for calledquot;natural and logical consequencesquot;. The text also providesencouragement. This implies valuing the child as a unique individual who requireslove and respect. Encouragement meansbuilding our child's confidenceand feeling of worth' If we want our childrento seethemselves worthwhile persons, must acceptthem as they are, as we fftffilItheir imperfections. Few children will learnto believein themselves their if parentsdo not bllieve in them. We must be alert to point out the positive aspects their of
  3. 3. efforts. To feel adequate,children must feel useful and know that their contributions count. We must focus on contributions,assets, and strengths children. of Encouragement implies reasonableexpectations(one step at a time), and that we accept the child's efforts and failures as well as success. The contentsof the text are as follows: kuno.rstanding YourselfandYour Child BeliefsandFeelings 2. Understanding .3. Encouraging Your Child andYourself Developing Courage Be Imperfect The To 4. Listening Talkingto Your Child and 5. HelpingChildrenCooperate 6. DisciplineThatMakesSense 7. Choosing Your Approach Teaching parenting classes beena positive has experience me andI havelearned lot for a ftom otherparents.I haverecognized everybody a gift to share that has with others. WhenI wasin Japan, thoughtAmerica I is a meltingpot. Throughmy eyes,I realized thatAmerica not a meltingpot.Nowadays, is people Americaa mixedsalad call bowl country. I think that Americais a mixed flower vasecountry.Eachuniqueindividualis shining withoutlosingherlhisidentityin theprocess democracy. of Democracy a vase is to hold eachunique flower. Now, I truly understand democracy from the heartthrough Adlerian parenting, I am proudof becoming American and an because democracy. of We aredifferent, we areunitedby democracy.I but believe thata solidfamily is a foundation a successful of country.I sawmanypsychological orphans this country,L in Many teenagers become members gangs of because those gangmembers showcareffi lovelike a family. Children needa stable family,careandencouragement. is Life difficult,andsometimes is verypainful.We can'tcontrolotherpeople's it behaviors, but we cancontrolour own behaviors. husband I led our children seetheir My and to disappointments andfrustrations asreasons doubtthemselves asreasons not to but to develop strength resolve. and
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