Some of you have difficult relationships or lost contact with your children
Will I ever have a better relationship with my children?
And some of you enjoy happy relationships with your ex-partner, current partner, children from previous relationships with your children from the current relationship and your stepchildren
Some of you have co-operative and amicable relationships with your ex-partner for shared care of your children
All court ordered interventions, mediations therapeutic offers and interventions either failed or were actively circumvented or sabotaged by my ex-partner
Wilful and deliberate breaches of court orders for therapy and shared care
Ex partner refused to comply with all court ordered interventions, mediations or therapeutic offers
Breaches of intervention orders Stalking and abusing friends and familyPlanting false evidenceIndoctrination and lies Forced isolation and relocationDestruction of propertyDestruction of memories
Legal, administrative and financial abuse
Court ordered interventions reinforced alienation processes
Family reports held my ex-partner accountable
Identified persistent non-compliance with any court order related to childrenIndentified me as the ‘better’ parent and the one in whom the consultant had the most confidenceRefused to endorse removal of my daughter from the care of the abusive parentThe family report “cop out”
“A judicial decision is required”
Further engagement made me complicit in ongoing abuse
‘Lifeboat decision’-saved my son, lost my daughterWas one sacrificed for the other
What is parental alienation and what it is not?
PAS vs alienating behaviour
Extreme alignment vs alienation
How do I know if it is being done to my children?
How do I tell alienation from alienating behaviour?
How could it affect my children?
How could it affect me?
What can I do about it?
Can I prevent it?
Who can help me?
What can I do when it is happening?
What do I do when I have done everything?
How can an alienated child recover their relationship with you?
What interventions are available?
Can counselling or family therapy work?
How do I choose a counsellor/coach/group?
When to stop?
Used as a defence against allegations of sexual and other abuse
As for unfounded allegations
Double bind for men
If you admit to it you did it
If you deny it you did it
If you minimise it you did it
Used as a defence against allegations of sexual and other abuse
As for unfounded allegations
Double bind for men
If you admit to it you did it
If you deny it you did it
If you minimise it you did it
Naïve
May engage in certain alienating behaviours in certain situations
Will usually support the child’s relationship with the other parent
May cease their behaviour
Once they are aware of the distress they are causing their children-Child focussed practice
Improve their parenting
Stage 1-Creating the Alienating Environment
The alienating parent does not accept the importance of the other parent in the child’ life and development
The child cannot oppose a powerful parent
Stage 2-Exposing and Convincing the Child to Contrary ‘Truth’
The child is exposed to maligning and denigration of the target parent to the exclusion of positive messages and memories of that parent
Stage 3-Creating a Loyalty Conflict
A parent recruits or draws a child into a conflict where they align strongly with one parent against the other
With whom they previously had a good relationship
The child becomes enmeshed in an impossible loyalty conflict
Stage 4- Forcing The Child to Resolve a Loyalty Conflict
Manipulation of their vulnerability
Child may choose to turn away from the formerly loved parent
alleviate the complex cluster of intense anxiety, fear and other emotions to resolve the loyalty conflict
Protect a ‘vulnerable’ parent
Stage 5-The Child is Alienated
The child engages in irrational, unfounded, exaggerated criticisms of the rejected parent
May be based upon adult concepts
Stage 6- Severing the Previously Loving Relationship (“Parentectomy”)
The child is unhappy and unwilling to be in the presence of the target parent
Justified with attachment theory and blaming the target parent
Stage 7-Enforcing the Severance by Legal, Social and Financial Services
A status quo is created in which the child is seen to be attached to the alienating (abusive parent)
The alienating parent may/may not be seen as a good parent
The target, or alienated parent may/may not be seen to have been responsible
The alienating child has been induced, manipulated or indoctrinated in how to feel and what to say
Interests of the children are taken as paramount-as expressed by the children!
Recommendations are made, decisions formulated based on the hidden voice of the alienating parent through their alienated children
To whom they are attached without regard to how they became attached
Without recognition that normal attachment the children is with BOTH parentsShared Care Arrangements skewed by or enacted in a created hostile environment
Child-support- the “kidnappers ransom”
Forced to pay child support to an alienating parent
Your children may have no of limited contact with you
Both alienating parent and the alienating child may exploit you
Denigrating and de-valuing the target parent
To the child or in the child’s presencen/indirectlyImpose lies, and inaccuraciesSelective attention onto minor flawsConfiding adult only informationFirst name basis
Sabotaging time the child spends with the target parent
Withholding or destroying gifts and letters from the alienated parent to the childInterfering with, monitoring or intercepting communicationsInterfering with personal time
scheduling competing activities
excessively making contact with the child whilst in the company of the alienated parentPretexts, changing pickup drop-off locations and times
Denigrating and de-valuing the target parent
To the child or in the child’s presencen/indirectlyImpose lies, and inaccuraciesSelective attention onto minor flawsConfiding adult only informationFirst name basis
Sabotaging time the child spends with the target parent
Withholding or destroying gifts and letters from the alienated parent to the childInterfering with, monitoring or intercepting communicationsInterfering with personal time
scheduling competing activities
excessively making contact with the child whilst in the company of the alienated parentPretexts, changing pickup drop-off locations and times
Destroying and undermining memories and relationships
Sanctioning the child’s reference to the alienated parent or to referring to photographs or lettersDestroying evidence of previously happy relationships between the child and the alienated parentInvolving the alienated child to spy on or keep secrets from the rejected parent
Involving the alienated child in a loyalty conflict, forcing them to choose between parents
Provoking conflict between the child and the alienated parent
Interrogating child about the time with the alienated parent
Indoctrinating the child about adult issues beyond the age or stage of understanding
Financial, often child-support
Relational, separation and divorce
Parentifying the child into making adult decisions about whether they should be with the alienating parent
Manipulating the child to reject the target parent
Making parental love conditional upon rejecting the target parent
Inducing feelings of guilt for having fun with or feeling love toward the rejected parent
The alienating parent portrays themselves as vulnerable
requiring the care and protection of the child
To the exclusion of the target parent
Demoting and devaluing the rejected parent’s role in the child’s life
Withholding crucial information about the child’s life from the rejected parent
Medical, educational
Holding, or not inviting the rejected parent to significant events in the child’s life
Revising history to minimise and de-value the role of the target parent
Demote the target parent by referring to them by their first name to the child
Let children know that you may have a different understanding of the situation
you would be willing to share your perspective if they are interested
Make yourself a better person and a better parent
Your child wants you to be better for them
Deny the ammunition to the alienating parent
Maintain your contact schedule whether you know the child will be there are not
Consistently demonstrates that your child is foremost in your heart
Continue all forms of positive communication regardless of whether your child accepts or reject
Find forms of communication that are difficult to intercept or interfere with
Social networking
Educate yourself about alienation processes and about the range of countermeasures available to you
Get support
Don’t get angry. Don’t get even, get better
Attempt to work constructively with the alienating parent
Some alienating parents will cease once they realise the pain and harm their causing their children
Unless they have no intention of changing their behaviour
Think about it: if your child reject as you is it because
A. They do not love you anymore
B. They are angry with you
C. They know that you will always be there for them
D. They are too frightened of the losing the alienating parent to let you know
E. They feel they must protect the ‘vulnerable’ alienating parent
Ignore the problem
You are effectively ignoring the children
You are allowing a status quo to entrench itself that becomes difficult to undo
Seek support from someone who does not understand alienation processes
They may work on the presumption that you are making the situation worse by trying to allow your child to have a relationship with you
They may take the orthodox view that conflict is worse than losing a parent
Recommend you back off
Advise you to allow the child to form their own view over time
Do not accept that a child may be indoctrinated into false beliefs
They may make recommendations that keeps the child in residence with who is in effect their abuser
Are not prepared to consider recommending removing the child from the care of the abusive parent and/or in enforcing contact with the rejected parent
This would never happen if sexual or physical abuse was involved
Minor and inconsequential
Exaggerated
Unfounded in reality, no evidence to support belief
May be inconsiderate, cruel and exploitative toward the rejected parent without:
No feelings of guilt
May take delight in the rejected parents torment
Unquestioning
Unforgiving
Prepared to demand or accept gifts and support but without acknowledgement
Litigation
Fundamentally a hostile adversarial process
Creates the forum where systematic and focused alienation creates a status quo often upheld by the court
The child has gone from your life, the relationship is ruptured
Do you give up hope?
How do you live with rejection?
Like a kidnapping, will there ever be a loving child to hug or a body to mourn
equivalent of minimising family violence-practitioners should NOT do this
But whose feet are they and who told them to walk?
A loving marathon run over the lifetime of a child
A loving marathon run over the lifetime of a child