A talk about empathy, communication, and getting along. Given at Laracon US 2015 in Louisville, KY.

1. Hacking the Human Interface
Samantha Quiñones
Laracon US
August, 2015

2. Samantha Quiñones
(human)
@ieatkillerbees

3. I am not an expert.

4. Specifically, I am not...
> a psychologist
> a therapist
> a philosopher
> a sociologist
> an anthropologist

5. I am human.

6. I want to help.

7. Fair Warning:
I will talk about some
uncomfortable stuff. I’m sorry.

10. I was an insufferable ass.

11. “Dog Walker” © by Anthony Arrigo licensed under (CC BY 2.0)

12. © 2007 Leetcan, CC BY 2.0

13. Hacking The
Human Interface

14. Key Topics
> Leadership
> Empathy
> Listening
> Conflict
> Identity

15. People Are Individually Complex
> Biases
> Identities
> Experiences
> Philosophies

16. Human Interaction
> Complex web of relationships, defined by our makeup
> Constant negotiation of hierarchy and ideas
> Shifting power structures based on authority

17. Sources of Authority
> Bureaucratic authority (managers, political leaders)
> Traditional (cultural) authority
> Charismatic authority

18. An individual’s authority within
a community lies at the
intersection of these attributes.

19. Leadership
> Good leaders have earned charismatic authority.
> Requires a willingness to take others where they need to
be.
> Leaders are not always people with traditional or
bureaucratic authority.

20. –Ken Kesey
“You don’t lead by pointing and telling people some
place to go. You lead by going to that place and
making a case.”

21. Leadership is a means to
authority, not an end of
authority.

22. > Leaders think before they act.
> Leaders take responsibility for their actions.
> Leaders work tirelessly for the success of others.
> Leaders work tirelessly to understand others.

23. Empathy: The Key to
Understanding

24. Four Attributes of Empathy(According to Theresa Wiseman)
> The ability to take another person’s perspective.
> The ability to understand another person’s feelings.
> The ability to communicate that understanding.
> The ability to do the above without passing judgment.

25. –Brené Brown
“Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives
disconnection.”

26. Sympathy is . . .
> a choice to dismiss another person’s pain
> solving rather than listening

27. Empathy is . . .
> a skill, which can be learned and improved
> a choice to share another person’s pain

28. Empathy is the choice to be
vulnerable for each other.

29. To be vulnerable is to
replace fear with trust.

30. That even if you are . . .
> judged
> rejected
> ridiculed
> ignored

31. You will survive.
You will learn who really matters.

32. We hide many of our worst
problems.

33. We are taught . . .
> to fear sharing our hardships
> that emotions are inappropriate
> that real men don’t cry
> that women who cry won’t be taken seriously

34. 1 in 5 American adults are
suffering with a mental illness.
NIMH

35. At least 1 in 6 American women
&
At least 1 in 33 American men
have been the victim of sexual assault
Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network

36. 2-5% of American students
have a learning disability.
WETA

37. Up to 65% of inmates meet
the DSM criteria for
substance abuse & addiction.
CASA

38. Empathy is Vital
> It’s hard to hate someone whose story you know.
> Expressing vulnerability builds trust.
> Personal connections overcome grouping & labels

39. Empathy Emphasizes the Why
> Sarah blew up at Abby. Why?
> Frank work quality is plummeting. Why?
> Samantha is chronically late. Why?

40. © Disney*ABC Domestic Television. All rights reserved.

41. Our Brains Love Patterns
> We hear voices in static
> We see faces in cement

42. Instead of Listening. . .
> We speculate about our partner’s agenda
> We try to remember that amazing article that refutes our
partner’s argument
> We think about about our own problems
> We think about that time (times?) that our partner was a
jerk

43. Slow Down
Ignore That Voice Inside You
(it’s an a**hole)

44. © Ben Gray, CC-BY-SA 2.0

45. Ask Questions
(it’s OK)

46. Questions
> Is my understanding correct?
> Would you like my advice?

47. Proceed When. . .
> You understand the topic your partner is trying to
address.
> You understand your partner’s key points.
> You understand what your partner expects from the
interaction.

48. Don’t Split Your Attention
> I’m sorry, I can’t talk right now. Can I call you at 2?
> I can talk, but let me quickly finish this one thing.

49. Listening
> It’s OK to suck.
> Never be afraid of asking questions.
> Reschedule when you don’t have time (but always honor your
commitments)

50. © Chiltepinster licensed under (CC BY-SA 3.0)

51. Expressing Anger
> Passive Aggression
> Aggressive Aggression
> Manipulation

52. © Paul Downey, CC BY 2.0

53. Photo by Josh Plueger USAF, public domain

54. Photo © Carsten ten Brink, licensed under (CC BY-NC-ND 2.0)

55. Productive Arguments
> Have a topic and a goal
> Allow all interested parties equal time to make a case
> Have a neutral referee

56. Stick to your main points.
Explain your reasoning.

57. Be attentive.
Listen to comprehend.

58. Don’t let it be personal.
You are not your ideas.

59. Focus on the end, not the means.

60. It’s not about winning or losing.

61. I don’t mean to be prescriptive.
What’s important? Building Trust.

62. Boricua
Ashkenazi
Jew
Woman Feminist
Queer
Latina
Me
#nomakeup

63. Identity
> Complex
> Composite
> Personal
> Fluid
> Performative

64. Diversity is about
identity.

65. Shared Identity is Comfortable
> Same gender
> Same philosophy
> Same culture
> Same language

66. Diversity is uncomfortable
> People of other (sometimes non-binary) genders.
> Differing culture.
> Differing language.
> Differing philosophy.

67. Diversity is powerful.

68. Diversity of Education
> Teams with mixed educational backgrounds have a broader
base of knowledge to rely on.
> Self-taught individuals often have unique perspectives.

69. Diversity of Work History
> Former security engineers understand vulnerabilities.
> Former financial services workers understand audits/PCI/
FISMA
> Former medical IT workers understand privacy/HIPPA

70. Diversity of Language & Culture
> Native fluency in more customers’ native language means
better communication.
> Forces better internationalization and string handling.

71. Diversity of Gender & Sexual Identity
> Different perspectives & acculturation.
> Welcoming environment that attracts more talent.
> Broader understanding of the needs of customers.

72. It all comes back to
empathy.

73. Empathy is the key to the
puzzle of human behavior.

74. Empathy lets us . . .
> Understand that our political “enemies” are often
operating in good faith.
> Recognize when people are in crisis.
> See that much of the anger and violence in the world from
from a painful place.

75. Empathy binds us to one another.

76. Empathy is a choice to . . .
> Accept, not judge
> Share a burden, not comment on it
> Assume the best, not the worst
> See a person, not a problem

77. Empathy is the choice to
help.

78. We can all do more to help
each other.

79. Important Resources
> Open Sourcing Mental Illness - http://funkatron.com/osmi.html
> Prompt - http://mhprompt.org/
> Mental Health First Aid - http://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/
> Brené Brown on Empathy - http://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw
> Contact Me - http://www.samanthaquinones.com OR @ieatkillerbees