Sadhaka “Mel” ResidentBDSM SpecialistSynner’s Haven Club
This lecture examines negotiation in BDSM. It examines the broader relationship as well as the individual experiences. There will be about 20-25 minutes of “lecture” followed by directed discussion on personal experiences.• Basic Rules of Thumb• Relationship Negotiation• Scene Negotiation• The Safe Word Debate• Aftercare Notes• Questions to Discuss
Trust & Communication are essentialControl and responsibility go hand in handDominants only have as much power as thesubmissive consents to giving themIf one person’s pleasure is at the other’s expense,its abuseDo not give up more or give more than you cantakeGo with your gut
Long-Term Total Power Exchange (24/7 Consensual) Community-Based Roles (Femdom, Gor, Leather) Lingo-Based Roles – Top/Bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slaveShort-Term Scene or conditionally specific, often fulfills a fantasy May involve a questionnaire & more dialog May be on-going, one time, much, play party, or professional
Let’s look at the types of things to be discussed before a “scene”, sometimescalled a play session. Generally any form of 24/7 lifestyle certain aspects of thislist are discussed at the beginning of the relationship. Roles- predetermined by lifestyle or scene Location – where, privacy Time limits Clothing/attire Types of play - fetishes/kinks Mental aspects – triggers, psychological Health issues Hard Limits/ Soft Limits Aftercare
Safewords is a word or series of words used as code by thesubmissive when the scene is becoming too much. There aregenerally two recognized types of safewords – red words stop ascene and yellow words slow the scene down. Safewords aretypically words not used during sex like names of fruits, species ofanimals, or types of cars. There is much debate as to whether ornot safe words should be used at all. Some believe proper upfrontnegotiation negates the need for safewords. Others feel its anafront to trust in a BDSM relationship. Those in favor of safewordsfeel its added security. Safewords are almost always standardpractice in play parties and professional settings. The debate isongoing with both sides having valid arguments.
Aftercare is essential, regardless of whether it is 24/7 or short termrelationship, and regardless of scene. It is the point where theexperience ends and real life resumes, and there arephysical/psychological/emotional reactions to acknowledge. Duration First Aid vs. Selfcare (sometimes not an option, especially with intense sadomasochism) Physical Touching vs. Near Each Other Talking vs. Silence Other – 24/7 relationship rules, play parties & professional rules, Follow-up of scene / play session (when? Face to face or phone/email?)
• Do you agree with the basic rules? disagree? Want to add on?• Which type of relationship are you in now? Was it negotiated first?• If you are a member of special community does it dictate negotiations?• Do you use questionnaires? Do you love/like/dislike/hate them?• Ever been to a play party or dungeon? Did the house rules give wiggle room or were they strict? Did it take you outside of your norms?• Have you negotiated every parts of a scene in the level detail outlined? What are the most important parts in your opinion?• What are your feelings on safewords?• How do you negotiate aftercare?