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These words I share, written from despair, read them, speak them, but do so without disdain

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I wrote this during a period of my life of intense personal sadness and darkness.
I, along with so many others, suffer from PTSD.

A life changing illness and yes, it is an illness.
Though the way some people carry on one would be forgiven for thinking that it is a Contagious Disease that must only be spoken of behind closed doors.

Hopefully by sharing my words and thoughts I will in some small way bring the subject of Depression and in particular PTSD, out of the shadows and into the light of open and honest discussion.

Published in: Health & Medicine
  • I think this piece eloquently speaks about the darkness in depression and PTSD. It saddened me to read your thoughts, yet I know and can relate to them intimately. Fear and trust are the biggest demons, at least they are for me. The answer, I think Blair is trusting yourself enough to take a chance on life again, even it is just for a minute you deserve that. It is very daunting to leave the darkness and comfort of your cell. It was for me but I did and I will never regret those moments for as long as I live. They were brilliant, full of happiness, friendship, shared feelings, joy and life. I took a chance, not thinking about all the obstacles that would come my way just the sweetness in living. So, I took that chance on me and changed. My demons are still there but in the background. This is what you need Blair a reason to live, a purpose to be happy and to wake up with joy. You are a talented and gifted person with a thoughtful and provocative mind. You bring beautiful images to this world. The big risk you have to take is to believe in yourself. Believe you are worthy Blair and step towards it. I believe in you, Blair. I always have and always will. This is a humble opinion from one dark soul to another. I am not sure if you remember this poem but I wrote it for you long ago and it still applies… I’m Empty I reach across space into the beyond Past trees and clouds; a flight that echoes calm A hand that’s open, grasping. Find it and touch me! Seize a grip and pull me in! If you’re there, let it be I am locked in this life of average but cold Seeking you’re warmth, body and nurtured soul Reach! My love, grab this hand and take a hold Drag me into your flank and never let it go I want the extraordinary, all that I see in you A man with eyes that tell; my promise is to be true For love is the deepest ocean and brightest of hues It’s my heart beat mixed within yours, nothing new I’m empty, lost in a mist that swirls, amid now and infinity Enticement me, yank me into today, fueling all that’s missing Take this open hand and firmly, to your heart, let it press Time, life, love will take care of all the noisy rest
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These words I share, written from despair, read them, speak them, but do so without disdain

  1. 1. 2015 Blair Stuart Stuart Media Services 8/6/2015 I awoke as if from a Dream
  2. 2. These words I share. Some poetry, some prose. That is just the way it goes. Words of love, Sorrow, loss and pain. Do not read them with any disdain.
  3. 3. I have a little something I would like to share with you. Don't worry my friends, it's not contagious, although the way some people carry on, one would be forgiven for thinking that it is a terrible communicable disease. Never in my wildest imagining did I, for one moment, think that I would ever suffer from PTSD. Nope, that happened to weaker men and women, not to the likes of me. Or so I thought. Now I see that it more often than not happens to those who are amongst the strongest mentally. In my particular case, this was brought about by the callous and deliberate actions of a number of soulless individuals who hold Senior Managementpositions in the Victorian State
  4. 4. GovernmentPrison Service {H.M.P.S} at Corrections Victoria’s Dame Phyllis Frost Centre. A Maximum Security, Women's Correctional Facility in Deer Park Victoria Australia. These individuals,  General Manager,  Governors’,  Chiefs  Senior Prison Officers  Prison Officers All conspired to frame me for an act that I did not commit. They openly lied, fabricated dispositions and made scandalous claims and accusationsof a most heinousnature. Their intention was to damage my reputation, discredit me and destroy my career. This orchestrated and scurrilous attack was
  5. 5. made not only on my Reputation but more importantly on my Integrity, the very cornerstone of my belief system. I was most vulnerable in that area, for I had no training in how to countertheir attack. As a result my world began to slowly and inexorably crumble around me . Bastards and Dogs, may they rot in Hell, every last one of them. I had my day in Court and they were found wanting. Whilst a moral victory was mine...it was not enough. The meltdown that followed, cost me dearly. I lost a career, my Lover, my livelihood, my will to live, but more importantly my eldest Daughter.
  6. 6. During that period of my life and in the years since, I have fought my Demons on my own. My Daughterdoes not seem to understand just how much that took out of me and how close to the edge I really was and still am. On the plus side, I did find out who my true friends were and there were only a few, the others deserted me like rats desert a sinking ship. Some have since come crawling back seeking to be my friend again... I tell them plainly that I have no time for Rats and their entreaties are wasted on my ears. When PTSD hits, it hits you hard, right between the eyes and the result of that hit is life altering, for there is no recovery, no going back to the person you were before.
  7. 7. All one can hope for is to learn to live with it and strive to remain as stable as possible. For it is akin to having a dark cloud over you day in, day out. Every day is a struggle and it is difficult at times just to do the very basic routine day to day things. There are those days when I am somewhat able to cope and then there are the other days, which I call "Black Dog" days, when an overwhelming sadness closes in around me and my world descends into a place of darkness and pain. It is in this place of darkness, a place that I know so very well, that I face my Demons. There is no fear for me here, though that has not always been the case. Now there is only a sense of anticipation as I sit with Death at my board, smiling to myself as I challenge herto release me from the Demons that hauntmy mind.
  8. 8. Whilst it is a release that I both want and seek, I have thus far lacked the strength and courage to take my own life and I feel no shame at having stared Death in the face only to choose life instead. Oftentimes when I am at my lowest ebb, some of my friends mistakenly think that I am simply wallowing in self pity and that I have jumped aboard the so called "Pity Train". They are so far from the truth, for it is apparent that they understand nothing of Depression, simply labeling it as self pity and something that happens to others, never to them. I do not hold their viewpoints against them, for it is a truth that in order to understand Depression and in particular PTSD and the impact they have on the sufferer, their family and friends, one must have experienced it first hand,there is no
  9. 9. other way. As for me, each day I now countas a blessing for I have no tomorrow. I dream of death, long for Death and await her coming. There is no fear, only a calmness and innerpeace in the knowledge that my pain and internal torment will soon enough come to pass. Yes, I have no doubt that one day the "Black Dog" will win and I will take my own life. I no longer take any antidepressant medication or mood stabilizers, as I do not want to spend my days drugged to the eyeballs. I have chosen instead to fight, for as long as I am able, the PTSD and depression using my own innerstrength. It is a tough and hard road to travel and one on which I will, one day, stumble, fall and never get back up.
  10. 10. Each passing day just gets harder and harder to cope with as I grow weary of this life, of the masks I wear in front of my family and friends. It is harder to live, easier to die. In my nightly dance with her, Death's overtures are becoming more seductive, more inviting than anything life has on the table. Perhaps one day soon, I will succumb to her call. So it is today, like yesterday, that my Dance with Death will continue unabated. For today I awoke as if from a Terrible Dream for Death had once again walked the corridors of my mind.
  11. 11. I wrote this during a period of my life of intense personal sadness and darkness. I, along with so many others, suffer from PTSD. A life changing illness and yes, it is an illness. Though the way some people carry on one would be forgiven for thinking that it is a Contagious Disease that must only be spoken of behind closed doors. Hopefully by sharing my words and thoughtsI will in some small way bring the subject of Depression and in particular PTSD, out of the shadows and into the light of open and honest discussion.

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