Preparing for marriage


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Preparing for marriage

  1. 1. The best preparation for marriage is not only to choose the best spouse but it is also to work on being the ideal spouse for someone.
  2. 2. There are 1 million divorces in the USA every year.
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  4. 4. Causes of Divorce 1) Lack of Commitment > There was no real love in the first place, only infatuation 2) Too much arguing > When a woman becomes a nagger 3) Infidelity  When trust is gone, the marriage is at a dead end 4) Marrying too young  Some people marry for the wrong reasons like running away from parental authority or for money
  5. 5. 5) Unrealistic Expectations > When a person falls from the expectation of the other 6) Lack of Equality When one partner feels that he/she has more responsibility than he/she should have 7) Lack of Preparation People go into marriage without being mentally, emotionally matured; no financial plans of preparation Marriage was an accident and the child was unexpected 8) Abuse: physical, mental, emotional, verbal
  6. 6. Prior to October 1, 1935 polygamy could be freely practiced and recognised under civil law inThailand. The old family law divided wives into three categories, all in accordance of the way in which they would become wives. There were three categories for a polygamous marriage, the first called "Mia Glang Muang," who would be the "official wife" that the husband's parents had "acquired for him," the second known as "Mia Glang Norng," the "minor wife" whom the man attained after his first marriage, and the third, "Mia Glang Tasee," the title given to slave wives that were purchased from the mother and father of their prior owners.
  7. 7. ."[5 While polygamy has since been abolished, it is still very much alive in Thailand. Even still, such unions are not recognised under Thai law as in accordance with the law that states "A man or a woman cannot marry each other while one of them has a spouse.” In these kinds of relationships, there is a high level of jealousy, envy, distrust and emotional distress. It is like living in hell on earth. One male one female marriage is still the best.
  8. 8. HOW TO PREPARE YOURSELF FOR MARRIAGE 1) Get a good education: Whether you are a boy or a girl, if you are highly educated, chances are you will get married to an educated person, too. Of course, it is your choice. If you want a successful marriage, both spouses should be able to sustain the needs of the family like shelter, food, education, medical expenses, vacations during holidays, parties, etc. And the money needed here is big time!
  9. 9. There is a usual theme in some TV series or movies wherein a wealthy girl falls in love with a not-so-wealthy boy. The parents usually do not approve of their relationship and in the end the lovers elope. The parents are portrayed as the villains and the heroes are the young couple. These kinds of movies encourage teens to decide based on emotions only and to neglect careful planning about family expenses like buying a house, a car or the children’s education. Most movies and TV series only emphasize the emotional part of a relationship and not the practical side.
  10. 10. 2) Develop your Character Many people try to attract a mate by improving the physical aspect like putting make up, buying expensive clothes and shoes or going through cosmetic surgery. But the best preparation is to mold the inner person because it will be needed to deal with the other person and what will you teach your kids?
  11. 11. Character traits important in marriage 1) Honesty: very important to build trust. There should be no secrets between a couple 2) Humility: Need to resolve conflict. There would be no divorce if women realize that the husband is the head of family and he has the final say in matters 3) Patience: Needed to tolerate the weaknesses of your partner 4) Temperance or self-control: Needed in resolving conflict 5) Kindness and Thoughtfulness: Needed to keep the fires of the relationship
  12. 12. ]; 6) Trust: Until proven guilty, You have to trust your partner totally and completely 7) Consideration: Understanding that people make mistakes 8) Forgiving spirit: Be ready to forgive, forget and start a new slate 9) Respect: By not neglecting the importance of the other Sometimes a partner makes decisions without the consent of the other 10) Discipline: Needed to help you, your spouse and the children to succeed in life
  13. 13. 3) Develop your Communication and Interpersonal Skills Do not be naïve. Expose yourself to many different kinds of people. a) Learn to have a give and take relationship with others. Do not abuse other people’s kindness or allow others to abuse your kindness. b) Learn to express your ideas and feeling in a tactful way. Some women use the cold treatment, screaming and shouting, crying, avoid talking about the problem, talking to other people about marital problems which are not effective ways to express yourself. Some men do not know how to express their feeling of aggression than by hitting their spouse or the walls of their house
  14. 14. c) Learn Conflict Resolution skills d) Learn Power Sharing Skills e) Develop your Self-esteem and self-confidence
  15. 15. Make sure you have Sensible Principles to Live By Some people have faulty thinking which makes them difficult to live with 1) Survival of the Fittest People who hold this view are very competitive, hostile and are happy if they were able to take advantage of another person.
  16. 16. 2) Machiavellianism: The end justifies the means Niccolo Machiavelli was an Italian historian, politician, diplomat, writer based in Florence. He says that it is all right to use violence and deceit to stabilize political power. Ex.: 1) Robin Hood: He stole from the rich to give to the poor 2) Cheating your way to graduation: If you practice this then you are to be called Machiavellian
  17. 17. 3) Some people think that they can do bad things and can get away from them or they will not reap the consequences of their actions. In Physics, remember Newton’s Third Law of Motion which states that “ For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” This also applies to our daily lives. But there is a saying that says “If you plant a wind, you will reap a whirlwind.” Sometimes the consequence of our actions are long term or not immediate that’s why we think that we were not punished for our wrong doings. But wait and see in the future. So some bad marriages are a consequence of our wrong doings when we were younger.
  18. 18. The more good things we do, the more good things will happen to us. The more bad things we do, the more bad things will happen to us.
  19. 19. 4) Because of pride, it is difficult for people to change their ideologies and habits. Sometimes they refuse to make a deeper study because it will prove that these new ideas are better than theirs. We should be willing to change our way of thinking and our way of living for the better.
  20. 20. CONFLICT MANAGEMENT SKILLS 1) COLLABORATIVE MODE (win-win)  The process of working through differences that will lead to creative solutions that will satisfy both parties concerned > Used when people are matured and open-minded 2) AVOIDANCE MODE (no win-no lose)  Withdrawing, ignoring faults, avoiding arguments, postponing a forum etc.  Drawback: may make matters worse, outwardly there is no conflict but the conflict is bad internally, so couple just drift away from each other until they feel too far from each other and then end in divorce
  21. 21. 3) ACCOMMODATING MODE (you win-I lose)  Forgetting about your needs or wants in favor of the other  If used to often, the other partner will eventually abuse your kindness > The partner being abuse feels cheated and wants out of the relationship 4) COMPROMISING MODE ( you win some-I win some)  Negotiations, finding a middle ground Drawbacks: Long term objectives and values may be compromised in the process > One partner may not comply with the agreement
  22. 22. 5) COMPETITION MODE (I win- you lose)  Using arguing and debating skills  Asserting your opinions  Make use of this only if you are very sure that you are on the right side. > Used usually about buying things like furniture, appliances, or financial decision making about buying through cash or installment, kid’s education, etc.
  23. 23. GUIDELINES IN CHOOSING A SPOUSE There will be no person who has all these qualification but this is only to help you at least have a sound basis of choosing someone who will be your lifetime partner. It is up to you to weigh the standards and also it depends on your values or what are important to you.
  24. 24. 1) CHOOSE SOMEONE WHO IS OF THE SAME ECONOMIC STATUS AS YOURS What if the daughter of a business tycoon falls in love with you. Why not? It is your chance to get rich! But think twice! Usually, money talks. If you are a girl and you married a rich man, the problem is that the family of your husband will look down on your family. So the in-law relationship will not be good. If you are a boy, there is another problem. Since your wife is richer than you, usually you cannot be the leader in the family especially when talking about the assets. The same is true if you marry someone who has a lower status than you, your family will look down at your spouse’s family.
  25. 25. 2) INTELLIGENCE AND EDUCATIONAL ATTAINMENT Boys: Choose a girl who is as smart as you but not smarter than you Girls: Choose someone who is as smart as you but not less smart than you If the boy is smarter than the girl, he will be the leader in the family but if the woman is smarter than the man, the man cannot be the leader in the family because if the husband makes decisions and they result in bad consequences, the leadership will be assumed by the wife.
  26. 26. 3) APPEARANCE Choose someone who has the same level of attractiveness a) If the other spouse is more attractive than the other there will be a feeling of insecurity that can lead to jealousy.
  27. 27. 4) AGE: IN GENERAL, WOMEN MATURE FASTER THAN MEN A) Women should choose men who are older than them but not too old B) Men should choose women who are younger than them but not too young (3-5 year gap is all right) More than that: generation gap If the spouses are the same age, the woman is still more matured than the man so she can still usurp the authority of the man.
  28. 28. 5) CULTURAL BACKGROUND There will be more harmony in the marriage and the family if both spouses have more or less the same cultural background. It is wise to marry someone who has the same nationality. Thai marrying Thai, etc. Some Asians dream to get married to Caucasians but it is not as glamorous as it seems to be.  There will be many sources of interracial conflict and poor communication > There is also the question of discrimination Ex. Asian women are quite conservative but Caucasian men are very liberal-minded
  29. 29. 6) RELIGIOUS BACKGROUND It is wiser to marry someone with the same religious background as yours. It will help you avoid conflict about religious beliefs. Ex.: Christians give tithes or 10 % of their income. So if the husband does not agree, it will be a source of conflict > The children will be confused as to what religion to follow
  30. 30. 7) FAMILY AND MEDICAL BACKGROUND Make sure the person has a good, reputable background. Some people appear to be wellto-do but the family is involved in illegal business. Make sure also that the family of the person has no serious medical congenital defects like autism, cancer, schizophrenia, etc. Is he/she the child or divorced parents? Is he a victim of abuse? Did he grow up with his parents or other relatives? Does he have traumatic experiences that can affect your marriage? Do you think you can survive dealing with his parents? This can only be accomplished with long term dating so try to know the person well before allowing yourself to fall in love with that person
  31. 31. 8) BEHAVIORAL BACKGROUND Do a background check about the person. How does the person treat family members, neighbors, friends, classmates, teachers and other adults? Does he disrespect his parents or treat his siblings unkindly? What do his neighbors say about him? Does he bully his classmates or talk against adults on their back. Does he have a criminal record? Is he a liar? Is he a member of a gang? Is he an alcoholic or a drug addict? Does he get into trouble very often? Does he have a bad temper? Some people are disillusioned to thinking that they can change a person during the marriage but this rarely happens because any hint of a bad behavior doing the courtship will be full-blown after the wedding because during the courtship each one is just trying to impress each other.
  32. 32. 9)RELATIONSHIP BACKGROUND Do not ever get involved with someone who had many relationships in the past. It can be that this person has poor interpersonal skills, is looking for perfection: he/she has very high expectations of their partner and usually have loose morals. Your relationship with this person will be filled with distrust, uncertainty, and doubt. He/she will always be comparing you to the other partners he had. And his past relationships can be a source of conflict and argument. Be careful because these people are usually good looking, talented, popular, well-to-do and intelligent.
  33. 33. 10) SYMPATHY The mother instinct of a girl and the father instinct of a boy often causes a person to feel attracted to a person because of sympathy. Sympathy may feel like romantic love but it is not a good foundation for marriage. If you feel sorry about a person stay away from him or keep your distance. This happens during counseling and when dealing with handicapped people.
  34. 34. 11) INTERESTS Some people say that both partners should have the same interests. But if this is the case, the relationship can be stunted and they lose their identity in the marriage. It is good if they have something in common but they also have other interests. This way, they keep their own identity which makes the relationship exciting and they learn from each other.
  35. 35. 12) PERSONALITY Sometimes, people with the same personality get along well. It is good if both of you are extrovert or introvert. But in some cases, it is wise to choose a partner who has a personality that complements yours. If you love to talk, get someone who loves to listen. If you are very dependent, get someone that is independent. If you have a bad temper, get someone who is kind and understanding, etc.
  36. 36. 13) CONVICTIONS/IDEOLOGIES Marry someone who has the same conviction as yours. Sometimes the woman wants the kids to go to the best schools and get their PhD’s but the man thinks that the kids should follow what their heart tells them. Some women are workaholics but the husband is an easy-going person. The standard of cleanliness of the wife is a lot higher that the man. The woman is an atheist but the man is Christian or Buddhist. You may not know but he may be a communist, socialist, Satanist etc. The man may be conservative Sad to say, these only surface after a period of being with the person. Try to discover about this during the courtship period. During your dates you should discuss issues like abortion, divorce, euthanasia, political views , philosophical views , instead of saying “sweet nothings.”In many cases of divorce, the partners discovered too late that they have opposite views about some issues because the courtship fast-tracked to the romantic and sexual stages
  37. 37. STAGES OF COURTSHIP IDEAL PROCESS OF COURTSHIP 1) Mental and Spiritual : Know about the person completely 2) Emotional: Become emotionally attached: Feeling “in love” 3) Physical and Sexual Intimacy USUAL OR MODERN PROCESS OF COURTSHIP 1) Physical and Sexual Intimacy 2) Emotional: Become emotionally attached: Feeling “in love” 3) Mental and Spiritual: Know about the person completely
  38. 38. 14) FINANCES Watch how this person manages his/her finances. Is he a spend-thrift? Does he/she know how to budget money? Does he live on debts or has he overused his credit cards? Does he pay his debts? Does he have savings? Is she materialistic, too fashion conscious, too meticulous about his looks, his clothes, his shoes, his phone, his computer, etc. ?Does she love eating out too much or going places too much? Does he live above his means? Does he choose branded clothing over simple ones? In other words, is this person “high maintenance” which means it costs a Is she prone to impulse buying? Does she want to live up with the Joneses? lot to maintain her lifestyle. This is called Narcissism or being Narcissistic. Is he too stingy or too generous?
  39. 39. 15) WORK ATTITUDE OR ETHICS Does this person change jobs very often? Does he do his best in his job at the same time have time for other things? Is he a workaholic? Is he lazy? Is she a responsible person or waits until the last minute to submit reports, etc? Does she get along well with her colleagues or there is constant conflict with them? How does he see his boss? Is he willing to do menial jobs as an additional source or income or when he loses his job? Is he resourceful, diligent, follows the rules in his workplace or does he try to cheat on his boss by sneaking out during office hours, etc.
  40. 40. 16) VIBRATIONS AND CHEMISTRY As much as possible, get married to one of your friends. A friendship is a good foundation for a good romantic relationship. When you are with the person, you feel comfortable, relaxed or it is all right to be yourself. But if you feel nervous, uneasy, uncomfortable, that will not make a good mate. You should affirm each other’s value or worth.
  41. 41. DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FRIENDSHIP AND ROMANCE Friendship 1) Loyal commitment to unselfishly meet the needs of another person; 2) Can share friends with other friends 3) Operates on character 4) Can exist even if only one person wants it to exist Romance 1) Chemistry that excites and thrills the senses and emotions an has expectations 2) Excusive and possessive 3) Operates on “atmosphere” 4) Romance demands mutual consent and mutual response.
  42. 42. 17) OTHER PHYSICAL CONSIDERATIONS Generally the man should be taller than the woman. The man should look more powerful than the woman so that he can have some kind of control over her.