Guide Book To Rudeville


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A guidebook to the home of rudechalets - rudeville.

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Guide Book To Rudeville

  1. 1. the booklet booking & info call:+44 (0) 0870 068 7030 09-10
  2. 2. made from 100% recycled french ski instructors, god bless those red coats WELCOME TO RUDEvILLE MEET THE LOCALS Bonjour my ski chums. snowboarders and heaven- So let me introduce you sent snow bunnies on the to a town of folk who can It is I, Sir Francois Smythe former grounds of Avoriaz get you more excited than III - Mayor and international and Morzine. a Tom Selleck moustache historian of the snow-covered dance. paradise of Rudeville. But what makes Rudeville funkier than a Swedish film Welcome to You can find this sanctuary of set? The people of course. Rudeville. 1 2
  3. 3. Address: Rue dU Bourg Address: Rue dU Bourg meet Roger CHEZ ROGER Our beloved Chez Roger serves the finest fermented grape juice this side of the Mont Blanc vineyards. meet BAR robinsons Rudeville’s main haven of hospitality is run by Jean-Marc Some foolish types believe the bar is named after Roger but he in fact changed his & Rosine with their dear friend Nicole. This bar of earthly name to Roger when he delights is famous for its service as well as Jean-Marc being bought the bar in 1989. ninth in line to the throne of Mesopotamia. What his name was we know not. After Rosine lost a kidney fighting a local Koala at Blackpool Zoo, all three relocated to Rudeville and opened up Bar Generally Roger is a Robinsons. Here they welcome all newcomers with open mystery to us. Rumour has arms and a glass of the local amber nectar Mutzig. it he has a tattoo of his face on his face and won his Be warned; Bar Robinsons closes at 8pm, as all three snowboarding-dog Paul frequent my moonlight hot tub sushi parties. in a bare-knuckle fight with Brian May. 3 4
  4. 4. After much deliberation, meet the Rudeville mountain rescue team cogitation and digestion the Rudeville community shaun’s Identical Brazilian brothers Juan, Pablo and Eric’s love of snow began at an early age watching choir awarded Shaun and repeats of Ski Sunday on pirate TV. his flowing locks for their outstanding contribution to Cutting their teeth on the ever-treacherous slopes of the Tamworth Snowdome, they saved up to snowboarding and styling big day three people from certain death. One young girl was saved by an emergency triple-heart-bypass mousse. using plastic cutlery from the canteen. At the ceremony he claimed, And finally in 1998 after passing a local lifesaving course and getting their 5 metre swimming “This is by far the single badges they swapped the 32A peaks of the Midlands for the snowy double D’s of Rudeville. most important moment Every twenty-seven and a in my life”. The boys have been here ever since, saving snowboarders from anything that may befall them – half bi-quarterly months broken bones, death or more importantly sunburn. the whole town gathers As a Keyman he has on the whitest peak of the complete freedom of my tallest mountain to witness town; being able to soak me presenting someone a in any Jacuzzi, hum the key to the city. intoxicating Grandstand theme-tune every second Our Keyship’s latest Sunday of the month recipient is the flame- and officially marry haired Shaun White. snowboarding lovebirds. 5 6
  5. 5. meet This fine specimen of a JP is the quintessential businessman who owns Slopestyle – snowboarder works at the Rudeville’s premier skiwear shop. Crepu bar – Winner of the prestigious Best Paintings I like to think of him as the Italian Gerard Depardieu of the of Cows on a Wall Award - Jonny boot-fitting world. three years running. How this laidback boarder juggles running his shop 24/7, Jonny has been here for riding five snowboards at one time and training Mexican nine years, ever since wrestling midgets only he knows. freeride turning up on the back of an albino Mongolian the crepu Yak during a whiteout. With nothing more than a snowboard under his arm Jonny has ingratiated meet JP & slopestyle himself into the fabric of life in Rudeville. Ask Jonny about his past and he’ll dazzle you with escapades of his time as a quasi-New York Pimp and the first snowboarding ventriloquist. Address: Taille de Mas du Pleney Address: Rue dU Bourg 7 8
  6. 6. meet Please allow me to take off I give you Russ – proprietor of late night haunt The Cavern. It’s cooler than an ice sculpture of my ceremonial chest hair Michael Knight. and hat to my thirteenth son Elvis, who’s just won the Many a snowboarder has succumbed to its plentiful charms, such as Russ’ caramel shots, prestigious Rudeville Goggle the favoured tipple of ex-queen of England, Mon Cheri Blair. Tan Line Tournament. Elvis As well as running The Cavern, Russ is an amateur vet and professional taxidermist. So what With a fountain of you might lose in a pet you’ll gain in a fabulous lampshade. I have one of my third wife. competition from the likes of Essex’s championee Jodie meet Russ-the cavern Marsh and my favourite Schumichael bronzing sensation Dale Winton, Elvis had to pull out something of a special nature. And the fruit of my burning loins wowed the judges with his seventy-two-hour naked stint on the slopes giving him a sensational mocha tan-line. Address: TAILLE DE MAS DU PLENEY 9 10
  7. 7. We take the weather more seriously than a moose on the motorway. With lives at stake we can’t afford to leave it to mere men. That’s why we employ Napoleon our prized weather pig. With a sniff of one nostril he can tell you the cloud cover, air pressure and what overly-bright ski jacket to wear that day. meet Napoleon the All knowing on ly s isthe ch alet e ps rud th e alail in o em cen tRE see p22 s estr more infoudechal e t r fo nfo@ i 12
  8. 8. RUDEvILLE SkI AREA Look to the sky – In 1974 America relocated Area-51 to the mountains of Rudeville because it’s a very well known fact aliens love to grind. Apartments R1 & R2 – Our newest apartments will make you happier The Stash – A sweet gem than a Frenchman with of snowboarding goodness. self-removing If you love off-piste free- trousers. Off piste paradise – styling without the off Favourite haunt of resident piste then my dears this The Pipe – Created by Yeti, Dave. He claims it’s one’s for you. the world’s finest semi- the best area to get away professional snowboarding from everyone and just Chilean plumbers. go wild. Chalet Joseph – Named Dave’s cave – ? after the Rudeville Theatre Company’s multi awarding winning production, Joseph and Snowpark – A fave celeb His Technicolour hotspot. With the likes of Dream Board. Terry Nutkins, Anneka Rice and Duncan from Blue shredding the white stuff. Chalet Christophe – The first chalet ever built. Lake Rude – Go ice Before this snowboarders diving and see the had to holiday in caves leftovers of the first heated with bunsen caveman snowboarder, burners donated by the Chalet Chapelle – Open said to be over 1300 science department of the windows at night and years old. a local comprehensive you can hear the fabled school. snowboarding Morris dancers waving their 13 hankies to the moon. 14
  9. 9. a t lace tM rls you rp b ook egi ow ud k n R e meet We f 3 e p2 .c o se halets re in dec mai or e om l iris r moen@ru fo el h waters The lady Iris is our oldest snow darling, at sixty years young this geriatric grinder needed a new challenge so she got in touch with the rudegirls™ team. This group of fine young damsels in snowdress run a weeklong course held at Chalet Joseph created specially for the Eves of the snowboarding world. Any lady can join their small group and learn to shred the slopes with confidence, grace and of course glamour. Plus you snow crazy damsels will go night- sledging, learn yoga with Taiwanese instructor Sergi and finish with our award winning awards night. 15
  10. 10. I give you Chris and Helen, owners of rudechalets™ and Dan, the rude team manager. rudechalets™ are the single most-greatest chalets in the history of chalets. Some say it’s the reason Rudeville exists, but all we know is they will blow your mind like a mouthful of lemmings high on fizzy cola bottles. An independent study conducted by the owners found that rudechalets™ were indeed kickass and are in fact the only place to stay in Rudeville. We can’t rate these guys highly enough, they’re obsessed with snowboarding meaning they’re true Rudevillians. After setting up a series of chalets in Rudeville they’re now off to open the first ski chalet in a live volcano. meet meet the rude chalets team SI the guide Si is the new guide to the Rudeville slopes. His knowledge of these parks are second to none, round here he’s affectionately known as the Rain Man of Rudeville. He can board across our snowy peaks blindfolded, with his arms tied behind his back while singing Rick Astley’s greatest hits and still find the best jumps. And when Si isn’t guiding, you can find him two-stepping with his dog display team, soon to be seen in Coventry Hippodrome’s stage CHris - helen - dan production of Cujo. 17 18
  11. 11. “Ton s for m of art on y p er the w Rude Chalets a sk fo u a Say hello to Gerard our r mor sa l, who c ll e?” ould sceptical arrow illustration who dared to believe rudechalets™ the only plaCE to stay aren’t the best chalets this blue dot has ever worshipped. in Rudeville You’re invited to join him on his tour of the chalets. e of th tion ” t loca ighting. e la s a nta s “Th a l S i .” offic t i n ra z y r cu e so c a ca s ar nd y e t a e se g u tern h th “In f, o ha l “A g girl uitar w s, of M s wit so I s indo as w ich h my eren , it h ” ael a es ome h room. Bu rendit de 19 “Aw or eac one f blé .” ion s 20
  12. 12. OH MY DAYS AMAZING PA ! “Sha adve meless r t i si n g” CkED LUN BAGS PROvID CH BY THOSE kINED D PEOPLE AT only availa at rude chal ble ets “I att can my rac pla ry ns games, sn t thr y th ve !!! That mea ei r “An XBOX e. It touches me in ow ee is bo ne wh th ” k music, karao y gf should.” ard w en ve s. place s only m in frie I ha hion g s nd ey s k il s t h cu ls.” wit h, pet h “A n ow “Th i m a k s Bu r to Mot es m n Te ivat e happ st Cent nd or in ier t re ea a sp h a n M rm and ex s r b fo es.” tu h hop .” hot atc “A my bi a ll “C m i a ke ! W ne and ho s e a t ay s it?” I ca nt h ave 21 22
  13. 13. kEEP THAT RUDE CHALETS INFO COMING CHALET Locations You want the best ski locations? We got you covered our brightly clothed snowboarding chums. DATES FOR THE DIARY Rudegirls week 10th–17th January 2010 TM Chalet Joseph and Chalet Chapelle are both located in the centre of Morzine. Chalet Joseph is only 50.12344345 metres from the Super Morzine Lift and Chalet Chapelle is a rudegirls™ snow week is designed for the lady snowboarders of the world. It doesn’t matter if 5.32minute walk away. you’re a tenderfoot or a pro, we will teach you how to snowboard or improve your current skills. Chalet Christophe is within 500.3metres of the Prodains Telecabine. In small easy to digest groups our know-it-all instructors will teach you how to snowboard. Apartments R1 & R2 ski-in – ski-out in Avoriaz village. And when the day is done you can chillax with some alcoholic grape juice and a roaring fire. Chalet Features Burton Test Weekend 11th-14th December 2010 All our chalets are dripping in snow, surf and skate art from some seriously smashing people such This weekend will literally blow your mind. Many a man has lost his on the mountain and we’re as Jono Wood and Robin Puplett. Plus we have lots of original pictures from Cyril and James aiming to lose a few more this year. Try out the latest Burton’s technology before anyone else, North and plenty of Burton & Gravis products too. because of our unique time zone we’re actually one season ahead of the rest of the world. So get booked and try out all the new goodies Burton has to offer down at Chalet Chapelle. Each chalet is a treasure trove of awesomeness including Xbox 360s in every bedroom. So you can play the latest Shaun White Snowboarding game, watch movies and listen to Simon or Garfunkel. There’s also table football, board games, books for reading words, a sexy sauna and hot tub. PARk, PIPE & JIB TOUR 11TH–18TH APRIL 2010 Man has legs. Legs were made for snowboarding. As Brian Blessed’s beard is our witness we’ll get as many of you bipeds boarding. During April we’ll train and teach how to park and pipe, with a Staff whole load of jibbing thrown in for free. You’ll receive 4x2hour lessons at an array of snow parks All rudechalets™ staff are hand picked from the four corners of the world. From birth they’re with our instructors. Then ride the powder with rudechalets™ rider Sabrina Kusar and soon to be trained under the strict tutelage of world-renowned maitre d’ and Shaolin Monk Master Yoshi. announced pro from Burton. If that tickles your white bits then book your place now. Each one is trained to cater for mountain royalty, hold a vast knowledge of interesting facts, tell jokes, snowboard their asses off and handstand for six days straight. Mountain Hosting WITH SI to book With every chalet stay our lord of the mountain Si will show you around the most nut-busting and mind-blowing mountain range know to the manly man – The Portes Du Soleil. Burton Snowboard Test Centre or find out Everyone knows the bright yellow ski pants don’t make the man, it’s the size of his wood. So for all those who love the feel of a good wooden board we have the Burton Test Centre. Here you can exclusively try out the latest Burton boards on the snowy Rudeville peaks. Rent them weekly or daily for all your snowboarding pleasures. Important stuff Chalet prices from £349.00 – £689.00 Twin or double rooms with en-suite. Halfboard (6 days) with unlimited tea, coffee, hot chocolate, and most importantly wine. more info email: call: +44 (0) 8700687030 Free airport transfer – arrive anytime on a Sunday and leave anytime on a Sunday. 23 24
  14. 14. good bye- Well my snow-chums it’s with a heavy heart that I must bid you adieu. It’s so sad that our time together was so short-lived, Seems there just isn’t enough hours in the day to experience all the delights of Rudeville. I didn’t get to talk about our annual snow-snorkelling So it’s just for me to say thank you for taking the time to read our guide to Rudeville, and don’t be a stranger because you’re always SNO Rud evil artle WP but goodbyes are fleeting race or the grand opening of welcome in our community. and I hope we will soon Cliff hanger the Musical. But SAT meet again over a glass of you’ll get to savour all these Sir Francois Smythe III - URD Mayor of Rudeville. For AY 2 chardonnay. and many more if you visit us. mor 6T chri info a H SEPT e y rud o reg EMBER s@ nd t lets er em 2009 echa ist 25 To order a copy of our amazing booklet for a friend visit .com ail