Chapter 9: Reconcile 2 –Living Clean With People<br />
CAVEAT:<br />Marriages, Family and Relationships ARE worth fighting for.<br />You have to understand this before we move on.<br />
If Someone wrongs you –really wrongs you-- then ask yourself:<br />Why am I so angry and hurt?<br />Did they really sin against me or just do something I didn’t like?<br />
If Wronged…<br />Sum up 129 and 130…<br />When we’re angry or hurt because we didn’t get our way, we need to listen and respond to God’s Spirit. If it’s not a sin, then either let it go or talk to them and compromise. <br />But what if someone really does wrong us?<br />
“Go in private…just between the two of you,”<br /><ul><li>Don’t gossip
Go talk one-on-one</li></ul>Simple, yes, but it’s one of the hardest things in the world to do. And most people are horrible at it.<br />If Wronged…<br />
Humble Yourself Before God<br /><ul><li>Remember, that other person is not your biggest enemy –your pride is!
Your pride says, “I’m right.” “No, you listen to me!” “I always do what you want.” “You’re so stubborn.” Pride defends, puts up walls, sees only its own point of view. Pride will be your biggest enemy in any conflict because it won’t allow you to humble yourself and seek God’s help.
Pride says, “I don’t need God’s help; I am a loving person – you idiot!”</li></li></ul><li>Humble<br />Read 131-132<br />When you’re right in the middle of being overcome by pride, when you don’t have it in you to make amends, when there’s no way to forgive –just call out, “God, help me.” He wants to help you, but He will oppose you if you hang on to your pride. So humble yourself and live before Him.<br />
Listen To Understand<br />Listening communicates to the other person that you care, but it certainly doesn’t come naturally. I’m convinced most of our conflicts would resolve themselves quickly if only we would commit to listening.<br />James 1:19<br />There’s actually a reason why this is so difficult. We think at 400 words per minute but speak at 100 words per minute.<br />
Key Listening Principle #1<br />Meaning Does Not Reside in Words But in People<br />Humble listening is the key to resolving most conflicts. One of our biggest communication blunders is assuming that what a person says conveys everything that person means.<br />Ever said, “That’s not what I meant,” and they respond, “But that’s what you said!”<br />If we really want to understand a person’s meaning, we must be slow to react until we listen to more that just the first words we hear.<br />
Principle #2 <br />Ask, “Is This What You Mean?”<br />We all think we know what the other person means, but humility requires us to admit that we may be mishearing, misinterpreting, or misunderstanding.<br />Read 134<br />The only way past this is to listen until the other person agrees that you do understand.<br />
Key SPEAKING Principle #1<br />Make “I” Statements, Not “You” Statements<br />Instead of saying, “You’re always late!” –which is a sweeping, untrue judgment because no one is “always” anything –say instead, “I feel upset when you’re late.”<br />Instead of stating, “You make me feel stupid” –no one can make you feel anything: the other person is not responsible for your feelings, you are, say, “I think I have something to offer, but I don’t feel I’m being heard.”<br />
Speaking Principle #2<br />Affirm the Person and Positive Outcome<br />Proverbs 12:18<br />As you speak truth, remember your words have power –to harm or heal.<br />Even if someone has sinned against you, the goal is to win back the relationship.<br />Pride will say, “Don’t give in…he/she doesn’t deserve it.”<br />Summarize 135-136<br />
Compromise or Intervention<br />Even after you humbly listen and speak in ways that allow for true understanding you still may not agree.<br />If it’s not an issue of sin, we must be willing to humbly lay down our rights, our preferences, and our desires to find middle ground.<br />If it IS a clear issue of SIN and that person is unwilling to reconcile, change or get help, you may have to take it up a notch (Intervention)<br />
Page 137<br />So, when you find yourself in conflict, determine if it’s a preference issue or a sin issue, and go talk in private.<br />Be willing to compromise if it’s a preference issue.<br />REMEMBER: YOU ARE FIGHTING FOR A RELATIONSHIP.<br />