New Year’s Resolutions You Will Never Keep
Quit taking all those Oxys and shopping at the Pathmark
Ride in more posses
Quit trying to dance away all your problems
Have sex with Gizmo
Stop chugging everything
Wear more robes (flowing or otherwise)
Write a pissed off letter to Skittles complaining about the new chocolate ones
Quit drawing on the old hairline
Wash your feet
Go see more fat baby chicken fights
Stop wondering what this dog is thinking
More Stallowning
Dress up like a penis in more parades
This year, you’re gonna learn to how to read
Finally get a beer with Carlos from Accounts
Finally say hi to that prostitute you like
Break the curse of the six-fingered baby hand
Make good on your promise to rid the world of yoga
Work on your graffiti colon
Mix baby tigers with baby monkeys EVERY SINGLE DAY
Milk more stuff
Finally throw away that racist ass “Chinese Firedrill” drawing you did in the 8 th  Grade
Get Sgt. Slaughter to throw a Cobra Clutch on you
Take up whaling
Be kind to ugly children
Dress more like Prince
Get in touch with your inner Omar
Disprove God
Buy one of those square-headed Asian babies
Finally laminate meat
Get excited about poetry
Teach a spider to smoke
Finally measure it once and for all
Get one of those Romanian gymnast haircuts
Come up with a motto for yourself
Get one of those cool pencil sharpeners your uncle used to have
Learn to do that thing with the snakes
Have a long, long talk with your mailman
Light more girl farts
Bring back acid wash
Stop lying so much
Coach a rag tag group of Little Leaguers to an unanticipated championship despite your alcoholism
More time in the dune buggy
Come to terms with the fact that you hate butterflies
Grow the fuck up
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New Years Resolutions

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New Years Resolutions

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New Years Resolutions

  1. 1. New Year’s Resolutions You Will Never Keep
  2. 2. Quit taking all those Oxys and shopping at the Pathmark
  3. 3. Ride in more posses
  4. 4. Quit trying to dance away all your problems
  5. 5. Have sex with Gizmo
  6. 6. Stop chugging everything
  7. 7. Wear more robes (flowing or otherwise)
  8. 8. Write a pissed off letter to Skittles complaining about the new chocolate ones
  9. 9. Quit drawing on the old hairline
  10. 10. Wash your feet
  11. 11. Go see more fat baby chicken fights
  12. 12. Stop wondering what this dog is thinking
  13. 13. More Stallowning
  14. 14. Dress up like a penis in more parades
  15. 15. This year, you’re gonna learn to how to read
  16. 16. Finally get a beer with Carlos from Accounts
  17. 17. Finally say hi to that prostitute you like
  18. 18. Break the curse of the six-fingered baby hand
  19. 19. Make good on your promise to rid the world of yoga
  20. 20. Work on your graffiti colon
  21. 21. Mix baby tigers with baby monkeys EVERY SINGLE DAY
  22. 22. Milk more stuff
  23. 23. Finally throw away that racist ass “Chinese Firedrill” drawing you did in the 8 th Grade
  24. 24. Get Sgt. Slaughter to throw a Cobra Clutch on you
  25. 25. Take up whaling
  26. 26. Be kind to ugly children
  27. 27. Dress more like Prince
  28. 28. Get in touch with your inner Omar
  29. 29. Disprove God
  30. 30. Buy one of those square-headed Asian babies
  31. 31. Finally laminate meat
  32. 32. Get excited about poetry
  33. 33. Teach a spider to smoke
  34. 34. Finally measure it once and for all
  35. 35. Get one of those Romanian gymnast haircuts
  36. 36. Come up with a motto for yourself
  37. 37. Get one of those cool pencil sharpeners your uncle used to have
  38. 38. Learn to do that thing with the snakes
  39. 39. Have a long, long talk with your mailman
  40. 40. Light more girl farts
  41. 41. Bring back acid wash
  42. 42. Stop lying so much
  43. 43. Coach a rag tag group of Little Leaguers to an unanticipated championship despite your alcoholism
  44. 44. More time in the dune buggy
  45. 45. Come to terms with the fact that you hate butterflies
  46. 46. Grow the fuck up

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