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  1. 1. I WANT IT(now that, should win me the Booker) ~ A Novel By Anupam Dhyani
  2. 2. RIGI Publication777, Street No. 9, Krishna NagarKhanna-141401Punjab (India)Email:info@rigipublication.comFirst published by RIGI Publication 2012Copyright © Anupam Dhyani 2012All rights reservedThis is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are theproduct of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously , and anyresemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events or locales, is purelycoincidentalISBN: 978-81-921311-15Typeset by : Palwinder SinghPrinted at: New Simran Offset PrintersThis book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not by way of trade orotherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, circulated, and no reproduction in anyform, in whole or in part ( except for brief quotations in critical articles orreviews) may be made without written permission from the publishers.
  3. 3. To, all those who have crazy ideas, to all those who dream, and to all thosewho have the balls to make a mockery of themselves for those dreams and crazy ideas.
  4. 4. Index Salutation 11) Meenakshi 92) Hi 153) Miss Whoever 164) The Jeep 255) Mohini 326) Letters 397) The Ankall 518) Innocence 609) Dilli 7010) Liquid Courage & Stuffed Toys 8211) Mohini returns 9112) Killer love 10913) Thol 11714) Inginring 13115) Parvati, Ganesh & Co. 14116) Change of Plans 16217) Gateway to the “New World” 17118) Deceit 17919) Allow Me 18520) FEAR 20021) Tying the ‘Knot’ 20522) Coming to the point 208GlossaryAcknowledgements
  5. 5. Dear,Man Booker Prize Selection Committee,Wherever you are based,18th March 2010.With the guilt of not winning a single prize in my life, I write these thoughtsto win the prize and be listed among the elite group of writers who havebeen selected by you, over the years. My effort is to explain to you, how andwhy I want to, and have to, and wish to, even if I don’t deserve to, win thishonor.Having said this overly rehearsed sentence, I am thinking how I will convinceyou to give away this prize to me. Presently, I am working in a companywhere I have not been recognized as a good and important part of theorganization (even though I think I am, as I work a lot and very diligently too,but my boss does not agree), so I have been submitting my résumé and coverletter to numerous other companies. And this is the reason I am convincedthat I should write this letter to you, as I am very well practiced in résuméwriting and cover letter composition, which is a nice way to lie on paper andtry to convince selection committees to take you in, because you can lie well.I thought to myself that if I cannot convince companies that I am a goodengineer let me try and convince them that I can at least write well asopposed to lie well. And although writing a novel is not a lie, it’s not alwaysthe truth, it is fiction, you see.I read a lot these days ... actually, Google a lot (as the search engine hasearned a lot of money and can put lots of things together in an organizedmanner).I don’t know whether you Google or do you still flip the pages of TheEncyclopedia Britannica to find answers. I Google, it’s easier, faster andprecise, you see. You can type in any question and a list of answers “pop up”,including pornographic connections to the same ,which is kind of interesting(in case you are getting bored of reading useful information, it kind ofdistracts you a little and makes you alive and human again). And I don’t thinkmy Encyclopedia Britannica has the same entertaining information (but Ithink I did not waste my money on the collection as I bought the set in the 1
  6. 6. “books by yard” manner, cheap you see). And these days we also have e-books available, and instruments like the Kindle and the iPads where you canread these e-books. I am only 27 and I see so much technologicaladvancement and feel amazed, I am sure you must be feeling the same asyou are probably older than I am and more “ book” educated and learned,unlike me who is Google educated (was Google invented when you werewriting your books? I am sure not, because I think it started somewhere inthe 1990’s). I am also presuming (presumption is safe for me right now ,because I don’t know you people and am not face to face with you, like in aninterview, so I think I am safe in writing this , because if I was in front of you Imight think otherwise and may not respect you as I would see your flawsthrough your eyes) that you are old ,educated people , who make theselection and have done some amazing writing yourself (that’s why thecompany put you as judge, right?).Anyway, the reason I mentioned everything I mentioned above, was that IGoogled “Booker Prize” and gathered some information on it. It was said thatnot so long ago a company named Booker-McConnell sponsored the prize; Iwondered why the company did it, because it was a company that dealt withsugar. Was there any connection between sugar and fiction back then? I stillhave not been able to find out (please do tell me if there is any because Ispent a lot of my time trying to figure out this mystery and was convincedthat if I knew the answer and wrote something that would touch that topic, Imight win the prize myself). It was also mentioned that the committeemembers are great writers, critics, academics and public figures (I feel proudto write this letter to you as I have only once dared to write something to apublic figure, I will tell you about it later, as I am only starting my letter now).You must be intelligent, I mean you are judges, and the first thing that comesto my mind when I think of judges of any kind is that they are strict men (andwomen). Pardon my putting “women” in brackets but someone once told methat I am a male chauvinistic pig, MCP she called me, though it’s nothing likethat but just a figure of speech (it’s usually written that way, otherwise thesaying would be “practice makes a woman perfect” and not otherwise, LOL) .I hope you know what LOL means (it means laughing out loud, but in this caseI am not laughing out loud, just giggling). So yes, I feel that since you peopleare learned and were chosen to judge my letter, I will put my best footforward. I also understand that this year you are some different people than 2
  7. 7. last year because the search engine mentioned that the jury is a fresh juryevery year but sometimes one or two people are the same. If there issomeone who was also a judge last year, I say my hello to you. I am a littlenervous here but still, I will finish my letter; how bad can it be? You will readit and throw it in the trashcan (dustbin is called a trashcan in America, I havelearned quite a few new words here which I would like to share with youduring the course of this letter, and not that you might not know them ,butjust to let you know that I know them too. Oh, by the way I am an Indiancitizen dwelling in America).There is one more thing that I wish to share with you; since the prize is givento the best novel in the English Language and English is not my mothertongue, and I think in my mother tongue (Hindi to be specific) and write inEnglish. I am also using the Microsoft Word program and the latest versiontoo, so it corrects the spelling (I think sepllings and indentation are not acriteria, or are they? And some grammatical mistakes in the sentence also?)It shows red lines underneath the wrong spelling and a green line if thesentence is grammatically incorrect. (Little secret: you can actually cheatbecause it allows you to “add to dictionary” which means that if a word iswrong you can actually make it a word and then when you use it the nexttime, it will not show you the red wiggly line underneath it. LOL).But since theprogram cannot think like us it might sometimes rule out some errors (inyour eyes of course, as you are the better judges of the language). I had aquestion: does the novel need to be in British English or will any other formof English do? Because I have learned many types (both in India and America)which serve the purpose, but I am not sure whether they are the English thatyou are looking for. In India I have had a chance to learn the British type ofEnglish and also a mixed version called Hinglish (a combination of Hindi andEnglish) which has a Hindi name also, Hangrezi (as English is called Angrezi inIndia). In America most of the English is the same but there are some localwords which have been used over and over again and added to thedictionary. So when I use a dictionary, I use both the Oxford Dictionary andthe Webster’s one so I don’t miss out on any word.I also understand that the work has to be original, so when I started to thinkabout writing this letter, I thought I must not read any other Booker Prizewinner book as I might tend to cheat a little here and there (as all of us do , 3
  8. 8. but I am admitting I do at times) . Even though I know some of the titles, Idon’t know the content. I just take them at face value and wonder whysomeone, who wrote on the life of π (a mathematical symbol) or aboutalmost extinct white tigers or for that matter, children who were born on thestroke of midnight and on small gods, would win the prize. Then I thoughtperhaps at that time there was a need to write all this as the tigers werebecoming extinct and there were only Big Gods like Brahma, Vishnu andShiva (the 3 most popular gods in India) and maybe mathematics was dyingwith the advent of computers and only a handful of special children wereborn at midnight, but trust me, since I have not read these, I will notcomment on them, it would be unfair to you, who are the judges, and thewriters who wrote them (in actuality I don’t have the time to do so as thenominations will be announced soon and I want to complete my letter beforethat). I will only be writing about my story (a collection of original events) andabout why I must have the prize. Just a thought- I already feel I am beinginterviewed by you LOL!And, by the way, I have written a thesis in America so I know how a letter, orany other document, it needs to be organized so that the reader does not getconfused (and I don’t want you to be confused since I think you cannot talk toeach other and discuss when you get stuck, as you are independent judgesand each one will be reading alone). The only thing is that, in a technicalthesis one is allowed to use pictures and graphs to illustrate the point. I don’tthink it is possible here as I would have to paint the picture with my words(one of the best lines I ever wrote ….paint the picture with my words), if Icould, then I would have used a latest digital camera and Photoshop to dothe job and used MS Excel for graphs (MS is Microsoft, by the way). Anyway,let me paint the picture with my words. Waah ! (This is a typical example ofHinglish, you see; waah means WOW in Hindi). I hope you are not gettingstuck already, if you are and need any help then please email me (I havescribbled my email address along with this letter; located at the end).I hope you don’t mind the casual flippant style I am using to address thisletter to you, I only use it because I think I will be able to explain to youbetter, as apart from being judges you are humans too (men and women; Ipurposely used “humans” which includes both sexes so no one gets offendedthis time). But if you want me to use fancy literary terms, I would be more 4
  9. 9. than happy to do so as I can always do so now with Google online dictionary.Wink wink!Enough said, ladies and gentlemen, now let me tell you the basis of thisletter. I have picked up a few emotions and will demonstrate how theseaffected a person’s life and I believe that since these are emotions and youare emotional beings, at least one emotion will touch one of you, and thenyou can unanimously decide on which emotion you would confer the honor. Ishall not mention the emotion right now because then the whole purpose ofthis letter will be defeated. Is that ok with you? I am sure it is or else thisletter would not have reached your eyes and it would be lying in a trashcan(see above). Also, please pardon me beforehand of the e-signs I use, as theyhave become a part of my daily usage (you won’t believe I actually said LOLat a joke in a gathering, instead of laughing!) And also, please do understandthat there are certain times, only obscene words like shit, asshole, up yoursand bitch can explain the correct state of mind and emotion, although I willtry to use these words as little as possible, please ignore them and pleaselook at the bigger picture. (Oh sorry, forgot to mention fuck; it has manyconnotations and can explain a lot of emotions in a jiffy).Let’s cut the bullshit (I used “add to dictionary” for all the above mentionedprofane words so this way no more red wiggly lines won’t show up (Americanway of saying like: you ain’t going nowhere)). Let’s begin!Once upon a time (is this still in fashion? Or do I need to start it in some othermanner, some fancy one liner which will catch your attention? Well, I alwaysread stories about a time which was once, so sorry to disappoint you) inIndia, in a picturesque hill station a boy was born. Well not in the hill stationactually, because he was born in the valley which the hill station overlooked.The father had gone on a business trip and the mother was in labor, so theneighbors put her in a van and rushed her to the hospital, which was 30kilometers away (I am using the usual system of units because I still don’t likethe mile system here in America and it will be easier for you to understand asyou are in Britain, I guess). It was an especially chilly winter that year and thisguy dared to come out. (I must tell you this that I read somewhere, that labor 5
  10. 10. pains are like a bad toothache; I wonder how the mother would have feltbecause I have had many toothaches, and trust me they are killing). How Iwish there was a “fast forward” button to this episode of his childhood. Butanyway there are some interesting things in his childhood which are worthmentioning here. Would you believe it, if I said that this boy, even at the ageof 2 was aware of his sexuality? (I hope you do because one emotion I amgoing to talk a lot about in this letter is sex, I don’t know whether it evenbelongs in the category of an emotion, LOL. Are any of you members Indian? Ihope not, or the first word that will come to your mind is Haw chhee. It ishypocritical, not even ironic anymore, that how we Indians still considertalking about sex a taboo and yet are only a few million shy of being the mostpopulated country in the world).The girls in the neighborhood would alwayscome to play with him as he was the only male around (I am sure the girlsalso realized their sexuality early on, nice no?)So yes, Raju (let’s call him that; easy, monosyllabic, and a common Indianname) was the Kanahiya of the neighborhood. That italicized name is one ofthe less popular gods (well I hope I don’t offend some Krishna bhakts) inIndia. He always had girlfriends hovering around him as he was a chickmagnet (that’s what he did in his free time when he was tired of playingGOD). Raju’s mother taught him about Gods and Raju learned how to be aflirt from the stories (everyone learns what they want to learn; well, at leasthe learned something from a God and did not fail his mother’s incessantreminder to always be connected to our culture, LOL). Raju never failed towink at the girls and to look at their bodies, which got convenientlycamouflaged by his angelic smile. Growing up was easy- many ladies aroundto care for him. He received training directly from the home makers- to-be,by playing Ghar-Ghar (house) with them. (The most popular pastime for girlsin India, where they train themselves to be future home tyrants. Raju waswell treated though). Anyway, let’s not delve into his childhood here (I havetwo hundred something more pages to write and more important things tomention), well, but maybe.OK wait, lets do this nicely, I mean in a more structured manner, lets dividethis letter into, say four to five chapters and take each phase separately, ormaybe not….. Let me inter-connect them at the end, like movies these days 6
  11. 11. (Hollywood and Bollywood both inclusive ~ the world knows of only thesetwo woods).Here are the Phases: 1) Destiny (the childhood) 2) Dreams (Teenage) 3) Whatever ((what is age twenty- twenty three called?) (Inception) 4) Five more years plus “Whatever” ( Materialization) 5) Post “Whatever plus five” ( …. can’t think of any fancy thing right now so will decide on this later OK?)So now that I have divided Rajus life into five phases and have given yousome insight into his premature sexuality (I am sure all of you male judgeswill be a little excited to read further, and women ones too :), by the way thatwas a symbol for smile ok?).Sirs and Madamjees. Let us begin.Hey , hang on, let me also tell you that as you read , please do not dwell toomuch on my Indianness. These words that I use are not to make you think…... wow , omg ( oh my god ), omFg ( oh my fucking god), holy shit, this guy isfrom India , must be incredible, (snake charmers and shit), just like they didwith Dannys movie........ India...hmmm...poverty....hmmm....TajMahal..hmmm.. lets give him the Academy. No No, nothing like that. Btw (Bythe way), male judges; do you remember the chick in that huh ??I know, I know... five pages already and nothing, No plot, no characters, noscenes and no fancy use of language, till now, a bummer, huh. And you,saying to yourselves, “show us some meat you fool, get on with it, will you?”(and here , like explained above... “dick” can be used by you to emoteperfectly:) ). 7
  12. 12. Cutting the bullshit Sirs and Madamjees and getting to the point.......Please Turn over …. 8