Lets Talk Quick Reference Guide

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April 2013 I was asked to perform a group facilitation of cass workers, youth practitioners and adoptive and foster care parents for Adoptive and Foster Parent Association of Georgia AFPGs 40TH Jekyll Island Regional Training Conference 2013. My goal with the Lets Talk session was to offer communication skills and strategies to youth helpers to open up communications with youth who have been affected by childhood trauma as I was when I was a youth.

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Lets Talk Quick Reference Guide

  1. 1. Let’s Talk ` Quick Reference Guide The Ten Commandments for Change           Expect the best. Listen before talking; think before acting Get to the point. Change what they do, not who they are. Model the behavior you desire. Adapt your approach to the person. Provide for dignity and self respect. Appeal to self-interest Rejoice at success Cut your losses with remorse, not guilt. Using the Agreement Frame “The Agreement Frame” is made up of three phrases you can use in any communication to respect the person you are disagreeing with, maintain rapport, share with him/her what you feel is true, and yet never resist his/her opinion in any way. Here are the three phrases:  I appreciate and…  I respect and…  I agree and… The Five-Step Process Determine your Involvement Understand the Other Person Influence Attitude Resolve the Problem Recover and Go On Guidelines for Assertive Anger Start Positively For example: “I want to let you know how I am feeling because I believe that it will clear the air between us.” Share Your Feelings of Threat and Fear This will help you to feel more in control of your feelings and may get you some welcome and helpful reassurance. Be Direct Use the first person and say, “I’m feeling irritated/annoyed/angry.” Acknowledge Your Responsibility For example, “I appreciate that I should have said something earlier.” Specify the Degree of Anger This can vary from, “I’ve been getting slightly irritated....” to, “My fury is reaching the boiling point.” Don’t Accuse Others of Making You Angry No one has the power to make us feel anything. So instead of saying, “You make me feel angry,” say, “I get angry when you ...”  2011, Urban League of Greater Atlanta Avoid Self-Put Downs or Invitations to Criticism or Retaliatory Anger Don’t say, for example, “I know that I’m a bit of a nag/I’m over-sensitive/I’m too soft …” or, “You’ll probably scream at me/want to kill me when I tell you”
  2. 2. Watch Out! Dealing With Anger These are just a few dangerous misconceptions that can cause conflict. People always pay attention when you are speaking to them. When people say they are paying attention, they really are. When someone says "I know" s/he really does. Saying something over and over will ensure that your listener understands. Saying something over and over, slowly or loudly, will be even more effective. Dealing With Anger If I am angry… If others are angry…               Express feelings appropriately Release your physical tension Analyze what’s going on Address your fear Put yourself in charge of you Use your emotions effectively Approach the situation logically Don’t accuse others of making you angry Don’t preach at others. Go for a solitary walk in the woods and yell. Write an angry letter that you’re never going to send. Write a second, more carefully reasoned letter and deliver it. Ask the person if you can talk about it once they have read the letter.      Use positive self talk. Check your body language. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings. Share your own feelings and fears. Show that you are listening. Make a conciliatory gesture. Express your own needs and wants calmly and persistently. (Broken record) When trying to work with hostile colleagues, keep in mind that their self-esteem may be in the dumps. Some Wise Words “I have known a great many troubles and most of them never happened.” - Mark Twain  2011, Urban League of Greater Atlanta “Nobody can make me feel inferior without my permission.” - Eleanor Roosevelt, former First Lady of the United States “Hatred is never ended by hatred, but by love.” - Buddha

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