A Squeaky Clean Opera

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Cecil Goodytwoshoes and a cast of guest stars in a presentation of Puccini's Gianni Schicchi. Fun and educational, too!

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A Squeaky Clean Opera

  1. 1. A Squeaky Clean OperaTranslated and adapted from the opera Gianni Schicchi
  2. 2. Florence, 1299.
  3. 3. The noble Donati family has gathered at their ancestral villa.
  4. 4. Simone Donati, the former mayor of Fuccechio. ..~~Cypress Vetinari, the Vetinari Dualegacy.
  5. 5. Zita Donati, the most terrifying woman in Florence. . .~~Uranium Apocalypso, Apocalypso a Go Go
  6. 6. Gherardo and Nella Donati, and their son, Gherardino. . .~~~Rhys Fitzhugh, Fitzhugh Legacy.Kirstial Legacina, PseudoLegacy.Gaius Caesar, Ten Caesars Legacy
  7. 7. . . . and Rinuccio Donati.~~Secundus Marius.
  8. 8. The owner of the villa, the wealthy Buoso Donati, lies dying, andthe relatives have gathered to comfort his last hours. . .or to findout who has inherited his money.
  9. 9. Flavius Marius: Are you serious, Prof? Im playing a dead body?Look at it this way, Flavius. Its not a demanding role. And to behonest, there are some things you can only ask a husband to do.Flavius: But how am I supposed to Meet Somebody New if Imdead?
  10. 10. Uranium: Poor Cousin Buoso.
  11. 11. Rhys: Oh, poor Uncle Buoso! Im going to cry for days. Make thatweeks. Or months.
  12. 12. Kirstial: Poor Uncle Buoso. Im going to cry forever.Does my hair look all right?
  13. 13. Rhys: Poor Uncle Buoso!Kirstial: Poor Uncle Buoso!Cypress: I suppose he IS dead?
  14. 14. Uranium: Clearly. Simone, Ive heard some stories. . . perhapsBuoso didnt leave us the money after all.Rhys: He wouldnt.Uranium: He might. What do we do?
  15. 15. Cypress: If his will is with a lawyer, there isnt much we can do.BUT---if its still in this room. . . We ought to find that will asquickly as possible.Rhys: You mean something could happen to the will?Cypress: I mean WE could happen to the will. At least we’ll know.
  16. 16. Rhys: Its not here.
  17. 17. Secundus: Hmm. Maybe. . .
  18. 18. Secundus: I have it! I found Uncle Buosos will!
  19. 19. Uranium: Well, thank you, Rinuccio, and Ill just be taking thatnow.Secundus: Not so fast, Aunt Zita. If I hand over the will, and ifwere all going to be rich, you have to promise me that I can marrythe girl I love. . .
  20. 20. . . . Lauretta, the daughter of Gianni Schicchi.~~~Cecilia Goodytwoshoes.
  21. 21. Secundus: I want to marry her on May Day.Uranium: Its summer already. The Professor has the neighborhoodset to summer until her Landlubbers Challenge is over. Youd haveto marry her yesterday.Secundus: That was the idea.
  22. 22. Uranium: Oh, fine. If we really are rich, then you can marrywhoever you want to.. . . Idiot.
  23. 23. Secundus: Gherardino, run as fast as possible to Gianni Schiccishouse and tell him to bring his daughter Lauretta. Tell himRinuccio Donati sent you. Tell him I need to see him right away.And wait for them and bring them back here. And I want to hearthat you were polite.Gaius: Oh yeah? And why should I, fathead?
  24. 24. Secundus: Because your Uncle Fathead is going to give you enoughmoney to buy so much candy youll explode.
  25. 25. Gaius: YAY CANDY YAY.
  26. 26. Cypress: To my cousins, Zita and Simone . . .Uranium: Well, thats a good start, isnt it?
  27. 27. Rhys: Are we at the part where we’re rich yet?
  28. 28. Rhys: What?Uranium: What?
  29. 29. Cypress: MONKS.Uranium: What?Cypress: He left all of it to the monks!
  30. 30. Kirstial: What?Secundus: What?
  31. 31. Rhys: Stupid candle. Stupid monks.
  32. 32. Kirstial: Who do those monks think they are?Uranium: Yeah. Leaving his money to a religious charity. Buosomust have lost his mind.
  33. 33. Cypress: Hah hah! I just was thinking. . .Those are going to be the fattest monks in Italy!
  34. 34. Rhys: I can see it now. Big dinners, first class wine cellar, pointingat us on the street and laughing. "There go the Donati, they actuallythought theyd get Buosos fortune." Pretty funny, when you thinkabout it!
  35. 35. Uranium and Cypress: AHAHAHAH SNORT HEE HEE SNORTHEE HEE NO IM GOOD NOW HEE HEE.
  36. 36. Uranium, Cypress & Kirstial: Wahhh!!!Kirstial: Who knew when Uncle Buoso died. . .Uranium: . . . that wed be crying for real?
  37. 37. Secundus: Sigh. I guess Ill never be able to marry Lauretta now.Unless. . .
  38. 38. Secundus: Well, its obvious what we have to do. Theres only oneperson in Florence who can help us now.Rhys: Really?Cypress: Who?Secundus: Gianni Schicchi.
  39. 39. Uranium: If I hear the name "Gianni Schicchi" one more time,someone is going to regret it. Deeply
  40. 40. Gaius: Here comes Gianni Schicchi. Candy. NOW
  41. 41. Rhys: Gherardino, you know you cant punish children in the Sims2.Gaius: Nyah nyah I know.Rhys: Which is TOO BAD.
  42. 42. Secundus: Its my fault. I sent for him.Rhys: Where did you meet the Schicchi family, anyway?
  43. 43. Secundus: Oh, you know. Out hunting. Lost falcon. The usualthing.
  44. 44. Rhys: The Schicchi cheat at chess.Secundus: Gherardo, we have one nice point apiece. We ALL cheatat chess.Rhys: Peasant girls. Pffft.Cypress: We know what theyre like.Secundus: I never, ever want to hear you say that again, Gherardo.Were family: dont make me call you out.
  45. 45. Secundus: Shes extremely shy.
  46. 46. Kirstial: The Schicchi are nobodies! No one ever heard of thembefore Gianni Schicchi showed up here. Hes a farmer from Fiesole.Secundus: The Medicis were newcomers once, too, and now theyrepopes.
  47. 47. Secundus: Youre completely wrong about him. For one thing . . .
  48. 48. Secundus: Its a very bad idea to get on his bad side.
  49. 49. Secundus: I wouldnt say it was easy getting him to trust me. Hes verysuspicious, but hes very clever, especially about money. If theres a legalloophole, hell find it.
  50. 50. Secundus: Aunt Zita, we have nothing to lose.And I forgot to tell you~~~~hes here.
  51. 51. Cecil: Ah._____________________________Gianni Schicchi.~~Cecil Goodytwoshoes.
  52. 52. Cecil: Buosos health has clearly improved.
  53. 53. Secundus: Dearest, Im afraid its bad news.Cecilia: Whats wrong, Rino?Secundus: Uncle died, and that was bad enough, and now. . . .Cecilia: Your family?Secundus: It doesnt look good.Cecilia: Oh. . . That makes me sad.
  54. 54. Cecil: My condolences, Signora Donati. I sympathize with yourloss.
  55. 55. Zita: You mean our loss of the money!Cecil: I did not, but that would explain your genuine wails ofdistress.
  56. 56. Zita: Theres nothing here for you, you peasant, or for your gold-digging little daughter. Get her and get out!Cecil: How dare you, madam. I would not permit any daughter ofmine to marry your nephew if he were the last man on earth.
  57. 57. Secundus: But auntie, I love her.Uranium: Not listening.
  58. 58. Cecil: Come, Lauretta. We are leaving this place and this appallingfamily.
  59. 59. Cecilia: But Papa, I love him. We want to go to Porta Rossa to buythe wedding ring.
  60. 60. Cecilia: I like him, Papa. Isnt he pretty?
  61. 61. Cecilia: And I know you can help, Papa.
  62. 62. Cecilia: Please?
  63. 63. Cecil: Sigh. Give me the will.
  64. 64. Cecil: Lauretta, I want you to go out on the terrace like a good littlegirl and feed the birdie.
  65. 65. Cecilia: Birdie! Chirp, chirp!~~how did Papa know there was a birdie?
  66. 66. Cecil: Does anyone know yet that Buoso is dead?
  67. 67. Cypress: No.Cecil: Good.Cypress: Whats that noise?
  68. 68. Uranium: Its the doctor!Cecil: Quick. Get the body out of here.Flavius: Hey!
  69. 69. Cecil: And I will make the bed.--Because you want to make it look as though Buoso isnt dead yet? Cecil: That, and my ten Neat points are making it unbearable not to.
  70. 70. Rhys: Oh, um. . . hi, Doctor.DoctorSupremeNerd: How is Buoso today?Rhys: Um. . . good?
  71. 71. DoctorSupremeNerd: And how does his pee look? You know howimportant pee is.Rhys: Um. . .it looks terrific?DoctorSupremeNerd: Nice try, Signior Donati, but Im notimpressed. Im going to have to see Buoso and his pee for myself.
  72. 72. Uranium: Buoso is so much better, and hes resting. Im sure youwouldnt want to disturb him while hes resting.DoctorSupremeNerd: I dont mind disturbing YOU while hesresting. Im going to have to insist.Nooooo, Doctor. Im soooo sleepy.
  73. 73. DoctorSupremeNerd: Buoso? Is that you? Are you really feelingbetter?Cecil: I feel like an entirely different person. Come back thisevening, Doctor.DoctorSupremeNerd: Well. . . all right.
  74. 74. Secundus: Wow. You really sounded like Uncle Buoso.DoctorSupremeNerd: Hmmm. I have the feeling that I may havemissed something. But he definitely sounded healthier.
  75. 75. Cecil: I have it! The problem is solved. Dont you see?All: No.Cecil: I so dislike working with the intellectually challenged.
  76. 76. Cecil: This is what you do. You run to the notary. You say, "quick,Mr. Notary, Buoso Donati is dying. He needs to make his will."The candles are doused. The room is dark. The notary sees a manin a nightgown.
  77. 77. Cecil: But naturally, it is not Buoso. It is I, the Schicchi himself, andI dictate the will with witnesses.. . .Is that satisfactory?
  78. 78. Cecil: ~~I presume it is.Uranium, Kirstial and Cypress: Yay! The Donati rule!
  79. 79. Kirstial: Well show those monks!Cypress: Down with the monks!Uranium: *Sniff.* I love family togetherness.
  80. 80. Cecil: Perhaps I ought to explain the risks if something does not goaccording to plan. The penalty for forgery or being the accessory toforgery of a will is perpetual exile from Florence... . plus a small matter of cutting off the right hand.Kirstial: Exile? From our beautiful city?Cecil: And cutting off the right hand, yes.Kirstial: Let’s keep those risks down, then.
  81. 81. Cecil: Ah, yes. Perhaps it would be as well to ensure that we obtainthe services of an exceptionally dull notary and some veryunobservant witnesses.. . . Im sure you will think of someone
  82. 82. Cecil: In the meantime, I must prepare.
  83. 83. Cecil: Yes, Signior Simone?Cypress: My family wants everything in equal portions, butnobody mentioned the best bit. Theres the sawmills at Signa, andthis house. . . and of course, theres the mule.
  84. 84. Cecil: The mule.Cypress: Its fourteenth-century Florence, Cecil. A mule is a big deal. Gowith it.. . . Ill offer you thirty Simoleans.Cecil: Thirty Simoleans. A very generous offer. Ill see what I cando.
  85. 85. Cecil: A hundred Simoleans. A very generous offer. Ill see what Ican do.
  86. 86. Rhys: Heh heh. Nella may have mentioned something about themills and this house. . .Cecil: And the mule. Yes, she did.
  87. 87. Rhys: Well, Nella wouldnt know what to do with all that, nowwould she? . . . so I was thinking you could give me the mills andthe house and the mule, and I could give you a thousandSimoleans.Cecil: A very generous offer. Ill see what I can do.
  88. 88. Uranium: Let me be clear about this. If you give me the house andthe mills. . .Cecil: And, of course, the mule.Uranium: Of course. . . there is nothing I would not give you.Nothing.
  89. 89. Cecil: MADAM.
  90. 90. Cecil: Have you taken leave of your senses? I mean. . .Ill see what I can do.Perhaps.
  91. 91. Cecil: Douse the candles.
  92. 92. Cecil: And let in the notary. . .behind the screen, if you please.
  93. 93. Enter the most dim-witted notary in Florence and threeunobservant witnesses.
  94. 94. What are you looking at me for?
  95. 95. Orikes: Poor Buoso.Ephemeral Toast: I always liked him. So sociable.Marina: Always wanting to Meet Someone New.
  96. 96. Now, what sort of funeral did you want, Messer Buoso? Somethingnice, I suppose? And a nice gift to the monks?
  97. 97. Cecil: No. . . dont waste money on the funeral. And please, not toomuch to the monks. Five Simoleans, perhaps. People do so gossip ifyou leave more.
  98. 98. Marina: Did he really say he wants a cheap funeral and to givepractically nothing to the monks?Toast: I guess.Marina: Why?
  99. 99. Kirstial: Boring. Hurry up.Cecil: And leave the cash and all the property in equal parts to my dear,dear relatives. Except. . .
  100. 100. Uranium: Oh, now were getting to the good bit.Cecil: . . .the sawmills and the house, and of course, the mule. . .
  101. 101. Rhys and Kirstial: Yes? Yes?
  102. 102. Cecil: To my dear, dear friend. . . .. . . Gianni Schicchi.
  103. 103. Uranium and Cypress: WHAT?
  104. 104. Rhys: What?Kirstial: Nooooooo.
  105. 105. Cecil: Oh my goodness. Im having a deathbed vision now.
  106. 106. Cecil: Alas, there is but one thing I regret about death, and that issaying GOODBYE to FLORENCE. FOREVER.Kirstial: I just HATE him.Cecil: Lalala FOREVER. I hate the way death means sayinggoodbye FOREVER, plus, of course, losing your HANDS.
  107. 107.  Cecil: Hah hah Im extremely tired and I think I will go back to bedand die now.. . . oh, and Zita? Make sure to pay the notary and the witnesses?Generously.
  108. 108. What a wonderful person Buoso was. My sympathies
  109. 109. Orikes: My sympathies, Signior Donati. You must be very sorry tolose him.Rhys: You have no idea.Orikes: Come on, guys. Dont pillow fight in a house of mourning. It’stacky.
  110. 110. Kirstial, Uranium and Cypress: YOU THIEF.
  111. 111. Rhys: Why us?Cypress: You THIEF.
  112. 112. Cecil: Out of my house.
  113. 113. Kirstial: Oh, yeah? We hate you, Schicchi!Uranium: Thats right, you lousy low class little thief!Kirstial: And were going to take the stuff!Uranium: Grab the stuff on the way out!
  114. 114. Cecil: My house. Out.
  115. 115. Secundus: Lauretta? May I get your attention away from the birdiefor a minute?
  116. 116. Cecilia: Oh, Rino! Papa fixed it, didnt he?
  117. 117. Secundus: Will you please marry me on May Day, just the way weplanned?
  118. 118. Cecilia: Oh, Rino!~~~~wait. Thats yesterday.Secundus: Yep.
  119. 119. Cecil: Do they appear to be happy?Yes, they do.
  120. 120. Cecil: Ladies and gentlemen, the events you have just seen wereenough for Dante to put me in the Inferno. Ah, well, such is life.
  121. 121. Cecil: But with all due respect to Master Dante, you dont believesuch a thing, do you?
  122. 122. Cecil: And perhaps if you have been sufficiently diverted, you maywish to consider~~~~extenuating circumstances.~~Fine.
  123. 123. Translators note: This is my own translation and adaptation of Giacomo Puccinis opera Gianni Schicchi. You almost certainly have heard some of the music. The aria "O mio babbino caro" is from this opera; it is sung by Lauretta to convince her father to help her and Rinuccio.Many thanks to the authors on Boolprop.com whose simselves and legacy sims were borrowed for the cast:Blite27, Ten Caesars: Flavius Marius, Gaius CaesarDoctorSupremeNerd, Vetinari Dualegacy, Cypress Vetinari and her simselfSmoothiequeen, Fitzhugh Legacy, A Villainous Apocalypse: Rhys Fitzhugh and her simselfEphemeral Toast, Apocalypso A Go Go, Ugothlacy: Uranium Apocalypso and her simselfOrikes, Pseudo Legacy: Kirstial Legacina and her simselfCecil, Cecilia, and Secundus Marius are from my own legacy.Set by SimsDesignAvenue; costumes by All-About-Style and the design team of The Dark Project on MTS2.Cover picture: a view of the old Metropolitan Opera House, where Gianni Schicchi first premiered; slide background, a lithograph of a design for the Old Met.SC Productions, MMXI.

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