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The Emperor's New Clothes - Meaningful interactions in stressful situations

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See the Emperor in all his glory! Which role will you play? We all interact with different types of characters in our daily lives which may lead to stressful situations. Together, we will learn how to communicate more effectively with others, especially at times of stress, by transforming our behavior from incongruence to congruence. We will learn to recognise incongruence by role-playing the 5 Coping Stances based on the Satir Model, then learn how to begin transforming our behavior from one of incongruence to congruence by thinking about interactions in terms of Self, Other and Context.

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The Emperor's New Clothes - Meaningful interactions in stressful situations

  1. 1. The Emperor’s New ClothesMeaningful Interactions in Stressful Situations By Portia Tung and Jenni Jepsen
  2. 2. Introductions Portia Tung Jenni Jepsen Internal Consultant Consultant Coach CoachStoryteller Writer Strategist Playmaker www.selfishprogramming.org www.goagile.dk
  3. 3. Meaningful Interactions in Stressful Situations Know Reach mymy goal goal
  4. 4. Beware the Grey Cloud of Stress Know Reach my my goal goal
  5. 5. Current Reality at WorkCauses Threat, Pain, Fear StressEffects Do the wrong Say the wrong thing thing Fail to reachOutcome my goal
  6. 6. Banish the Grey Cloud of Stress Know Reach my my goal Congruence goal
  7. 7. Future Reality at Work ReachOutcome my goal Meaningful interactions Do the right Say the rightEffects thing thing Body follows Be aware of self, other and Brain engaged contextCauses Am relaxed State of Mind
  8. 8. Session Success Criteria Understand what Congruence is. Recognise incongruent behaviour in yourself. Recognise incongruent behaviour in others. Have fun!
  9. 9. The Magic Formula1 Fairytale + 1 Model + Applied Theory = Happy Ending
  10. 10. About the SessionChapter 1 • ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes’ – a Danish Agile FairytaleChapter 2 • The Emperor’s New Clothes AdventureChapter 3 • Your Journey Towards Congruence
  11. 11. Chapter 1‘The Emperors New Clothes’ A Danish Agile Fairytale
  12. 12. Once upon a time, there lived an emperor who lovedbeautiful clothes. He had an outfit for every hour of theday, and spent a lot of time in his closet.
  13. 13. One day, an imposter came to see the Emperor. He saidhe was a tailor who made beautiful clothes usingmagical cloth. “This magical cloth is invisible to fools.”
  14. 14. “Lovely,” thought the Emperor. “If I have theseclothes, I can recognise who’s clever and who’s reallystupid”—and he immediately asked the tailor to getstarted.
  15. 15. A couple of days later, the Emperor wondered wherethe tailor had got to. The Emperor decided to send hisminister to check on the tailor.
  16. 16. Off the minister went to visit the tailor, but he couldn’tsee the suit. “Wow, it’s beautiful,” he said anyway.
  17. 17. When he reported back to the Emperor, he lied andsaid that the magical fabric had a pattern so beautifulthat no words could describe it.
  18. 18. The day before the Emperor was to go out in his newsuit as part of the royal procession, the tailor had theEmperor in for a fitting. The suit fit him to a tee…
  19. 19. The Emperor walked out — the citizens gasped whenthey saw him. Then they remembered only foolscouldnt see these magical clothes and they began tocheer.
  20. 20. “But he doesn’t have anything on,” said a little boy. Towhich his father replied, “Son, to behave congruently,you have to think about yourself, others and thesituation you’re in before speaking or acting.”
  21. 21. Then one citizen whispered to another what the childhad said. “The Emperor really doesn’t have anythingon, he doesn’t have anything on.”
  22. 22. “He doesn’t have anything on!” whispered the citizens.“We’ll continue anyway,” thought the Emperor. And sohe walked on while his ministers carried his invisibletrain.
  23. 23. The End
  24. 24. Chapter 2The Emperor’s New Clothes Adventure
  25. 25. What happens when we get stressed? Know Reach mymy goal goal We lose our cool.
  26. 26. We cope.
  27. 27. The 5 Coping StancesStance #1 Stance #2 Stance #3 Stance #4 Stance #5Blaming Placating Super-reasonable Loving/Hating Irrelevant (aka Distracting)
  28. 28. Warm-up Exercise!
  29. 29. Stance #1 Blaming“It’s all your fault!” The Emperor
  30. 30. Stance #2 Placating“I’ll do whatever you ask, just don’t hurt me” The Minister
  31. 31. Stance #3 Super-reasonable “I focus only on the facts” The Citizens
  32. 32. Stance #4 Loving/Hating “The Emperor is naked!He’s an idiot. I hate him!” The Little Boy
  33. 33. Stance #5 Irrelevant (aka Distracting) “It’s the perfect birthday suit(even though it’s not your birthday)!” The Tailor
  34. 34. Exercise # 1Form groups of 5.Without looking at the cards, everyone picks a card.Get into your stance.Act out your stance.
  35. 35. Debrief1. What happened?2. When you were in your Coping stance: • How did you feel? • What did you think? • What did you see? • What did you hear?
  36. 36. Chapter 3Your Journey Towards Congruence
  37. 37. The 5 Coping StancesStance #1 Stance #2 Stance #3 Stance #4 Stance #5Blaming Placating Super-reasonable Loving/Hating Irrelevant (aka Distracting)
  38. 38. 3 Factors in Any Situation Needs and capabilities of othersOwn needs andcapabilities SELF OTHER CONTEXT Reality of the situation we’re in
  39. 39. The Other Choice:Be congruent
  40. 40. What’s ‘Congruence’?“Congruence (geometry) means exactly the same size and shape” – Wikipedia
  41. 41. What’s ‘Congruence’?“Congruence is the state achieved by coming together, the state of agreement” – Wikipedia
  42. 42. Definition of ‘Congruence’• Say what you mean and mean what you say• You appear on the outside as you feel on the inside• Believe in having choices• Respect yourself and others Congruent Behaviour
  43. 43. Take all 3 factors into consideration Needs and capabilities of othersOwn needs andcapabilities SELF OTHER CONTEXT Reality of the situation we’re in
  44. 44. Being Congruent“I am self-aware, aware of others and the situation we’re in.” The Adult
  45. 45. Congruent Communication means... “I’m OK, you’re OK,the situation we’re in is OK.”
  46. 46. On Your OwnCome up with some concrete ideas on how to behavecongruently.
  47. 47. Exercise #2Stay in the same group of 5.You are still faced with the same problem.Behave in a congruent way.
  48. 48. Debrief1. What happened?2. When you were in your Coping stance: • How did you feel? • What did you think? • What did you see? • What did you hear?
  49. 49. Towards Congruence Recognise incongruence Make adjustments to your own behaviour Connect with the other person Wait for the other person to respond Repeat this process as required Use each encounter as an opportunity to learn
  50. 50. Learn to recognise the stancesStance #1 Stance #2 Stance #3 Stance #4 Stance #5Blaming Placating Super-reasonable Loving/Hating Irrelevant (aka Distracting) Look out for behaviours that remind you of the Coping Stances.
  51. 51. Ask yourself why you behave the way you do 1. What’s happening? What do I feel/see/hear? 2. Why am I thinking what I am thinking? 3. What does it really mean? 4. What’s my responsibility?Ask yourself Clarifying Questions.
  52. 52. Recognise your preferred stanceStance #1 Stance #2 Stance #3 Stance #4 Stance #5Blaming Placating Super-reasonable Loving/Hating Irrelevant (aka Distracting) Learn to recognise when you adopt your “goto” Coping Stance.
  53. 53. What’s your “goto” stance? me
  54. 54. Exercise #3In small groups:Identify your “goto” stance when under stress at work.Identify your “goto” stance when under stress at home.For each of your “goto” stances:• In what circumstances do you adopt your “goto” stance?• What did you? How did you behave?• How could you have acted congruently?
  55. 55. Tips for Recognising IncongruenceWatch soap operas • The really stressful kind full of drama all the time – call out the name of each stance as they appearRole-play for fun • Act out each stance. The more exaggerated and ridiculous the better. This will help you better recognise it when you see it • Practice with colleagues, friends and/or family
  56. 56. Tips for Practicing CongruenceActively recall S.O.C. • Say to yourself: “Self-Other-Context” • Ask yourself: “Am I OK? Are you OK? Is the situation we’re in OK?” • Follow with congruent behaviourPractice S.O.C. anytime, anywhere • Practice on your commute • Practice with your colleagues, friends and/or familyMental rehearsal • Before a scheduled meeting or encounter, play out the scenario in your head and visualise yourself behaving congruently
  57. 57. The Bare EssentialsRule #1: Focus on being congruent yourselfRule #2: Practice the Agile ValuesCommunication, Simplicity, Feedback, Courage and RespectRule #3: Work at a sustainable pace
  58. 58. Session Summary
  59. 59. The Magic Formula   1 Fairytale + 1 Model + Applied Theory = Happy Ending (or at least heading in the right direction)
  60. 60. What happens when we get stressed? Know Reach mymy goal goal We lose our cool.
  61. 61. The 5 Coping StancesStance #1 Stance #2 Stance #3 Stance #4 Stance #5Blaming Placating Super-reasonable Loving/Hating Irrelevant (aka Distracting)
  62. 62. Practice Congruence“I must be self-aware, aware of others and the situation we’re in.” The Adult
  63. 63. Take all 3 factors into consideration Needs and capabilities of othersOwn needs andcapabilities SELF OTHER CONTEXT Reality of the situation we’re in
  64. 64. Session Success Criteria Understand what Congruence is. Recognise incongruent behaviour in yourself. Recognise incongruent behaviour in others. Have fun!
  65. 65. Wishing you a Happily Ever After Portia Tung Jenni Jepsen portia@agilefairytales.com jenni@agilefairytales.comRecommended Resources:• Agile Fairytales: www.agilefairytales.org• Quality Software Management Vol. 3 Congruent Action by Gerald Weinberg• The Satir Model by Virginia Satir• New Peoplemaking by Virginia Satir
  66. 66. Session RetrospectiveWhat Went Well ? What Went Wrong?   Puzzles Lessons Learnt ? 
  67. 67. For More Happy Endings Share your Gift of Feedback portia@agilefairytales.com jenni@agilefairytales.com
  68. 68. Session Timetable00.00 - 00.05 – Introduction and ice breaker05.00 - 00.15 - Agile re-telling of ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes’00.15 - 00.25 - Coping Stances - theory and practice00.25 - 00.30 - Exercise 1 - Practice Coping Stances00.30 - 00.40 - Exercise 1 - group debrief00.40 - 00.50 - Congruence - Theory and practice00.50 - 00.55 - Exercise 2 - Practice Congruence00.55 - 00.65 - Exercise 2 - Group debrief00.65 - 00.70 - Use of stances to increase self-awareness00.70 - 00.80 - Exercise 3 - Identify your goto stance at work and at home00.80 - 00.85 - Tips on how to become more congruent00.85 - 00.90 - Session summary

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