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The Emperor's New Clothes - Meaningful interactions in stressful situations
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See the Emperor in all his glory! Which role will you play? We all interact with different types of characters in our daily lives which may lead to stressful situations. Together, we will learn how to communicate more effectively with others, especially at times of stress, by transforming our behavior from incongruence to congruence. We will learn to recognise incongruence by role-playing the 5 Coping Stances based on the Satir Model, then learn how to begin transforming our behavior from one of incongruence to congruence by thinking about interactions in terms of Self, Other and Context.
Portia TungFollow
Executive Coach, Agile Coach and Play Researcher at The School of PlayAdvertisement
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The Emperor's New Clothes - Meaningful interactions in stressful situations
- The Emperor’s New Clothes Meaningful Interactions in Stressful Situations By Portia Tung and Jenni Jepsen
- Introductions Portia Tung Jenni Jepsen Internal Consultant Consultant Coach Coach Storyteller Writer Strategist Playmaker www.selfishprogramming.org www.goagile.dk
- Meaningful Interactions in Stressful Situations Know Reach my my goal goal
- Beware the Grey Cloud of Stress Know Reach my my goal goal
- Current Reality at Work Causes Threat, Pain, Fear Stress Effects Do the wrong Say the wrong thing thing Fail to reach Outcome my goal
- Banish the Grey Cloud of Stress Know Reach my my goal Congruence goal
- Future Reality at Work Reach Outcome my goal Meaningful interactions Do the right Say the right Effects thing thing Body follows Be aware of self, other and Brain engaged context Causes Am relaxed State of Mind
- Session Success Criteria Understand what Congruence is. Recognise incongruent behaviour in yourself. Recognise incongruent behaviour in others. Have fun!
- The Magic Formula 1 Fairytale + 1 Model + Applied Theory = Happy Ending
- About the Session Chapter 1 • ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes’ – a Danish Agile Fairytale Chapter 2 • The Emperor’s New Clothes Adventure Chapter 3 • Your Journey Towards Congruence
- Chapter 1 ‘The Emperor's New Clothes’ A Danish Agile Fairytale
- Once upon a time, there lived an emperor who loved beautiful clothes. He had an outfit for every hour of the day, and spent a lot of time in his closet.
- One day, an imposter came to see the Emperor. He said he was a tailor who made beautiful clothes using magical cloth. “This magical cloth is invisible to fools.”
- “Lovely,” thought the Emperor. “If I have these clothes, I can recognise who’s clever and who’s really stupid”—and he immediately asked the tailor to get started.
- A couple of days later, the Emperor wondered where the tailor had got to. The Emperor decided to send his minister to check on the tailor.
- Off the minister went to visit the tailor, but he couldn’t see the suit. “Wow, it’s beautiful,” he said anyway.
- When he reported back to the Emperor, he lied and said that the magical fabric had a pattern so beautiful that no words could describe it.
- The day before the Emperor was to go out in his new suit as part of the royal procession, the tailor had the Emperor in for a fitting. The suit fit him to a tee…
- The Emperor walked out — the citizens gasped when they saw him. Then they remembered only fools couldn't see these magical clothes and they began to cheer.
- “But he doesn’t have anything on,” said a little boy. To which his father replied, “Son, to behave congruently, you have to think about yourself, others and the situation you’re in before speaking or acting.”
- Then one citizen whispered to another what the child had said. “The Emperor really doesn’t have anything on, he doesn’t have anything on.”
- “He doesn’t have anything on!” whispered the citizens. “We’ll continue anyway,” thought the Emperor. And so he walked on while his ministers carried his invisible train.
- The End
- Chapter 2 The Emperor’s New Clothes Adventure
- What happens when we get stressed? Know Reach my my goal goal We lose our cool.
- We cope.
- The 5 Coping Stances Stance #1 Stance #2 Stance #3 Stance #4 Stance #5 Blaming Placating Super-reasonable Loving/Hating Irrelevant (aka Distracting)
- Warm-up Exercise!
- Stance #1 Blaming “It’s all your fault!” The Emperor
- Stance #2 Placating “I’ll do whatever you ask, just don’t hurt me” The Minister
- Stance #3 Super-reasonable “I focus only on the facts” The Citizens
- Stance #4 Loving/Hating “The Emperor is naked! He’s an idiot. I hate him!” The Little Boy
- Stance #5 Irrelevant (aka Distracting) “It’s the perfect birthday suit (even though it’s not your birthday)!” The Tailor
- Exercise # 1 Form groups of 5. Without looking at the cards, everyone picks a card. Get into your stance. Act out your stance.
- Debrief 1. What happened? 2. When you were in your Coping stance: • How did you feel? • What did you think? • What did you see? • What did you hear?
- Chapter 3 Your Journey Towards Congruence
- The 5 Coping Stances Stance #1 Stance #2 Stance #3 Stance #4 Stance #5 Blaming Placating Super-reasonable Loving/Hating Irrelevant (aka Distracting)
- 3 Factors in Any Situation Needs and capabilities of others Own needs and capabilities SELF OTHER CONTEXT Reality of the situation we’re in
- The Other Choice: Be congruent
- What’s ‘Congruence’? “Congruence (geometry) means exactly the same size and shape” – Wikipedia
- What’s ‘Congruence’? “Congruence is the state achieved by coming together, the state of agreement” – Wikipedia
- Definition of ‘Congruence’ • Say what you mean and mean what you say • You appear on the outside as you feel on the inside • Believe in having choices • Respect yourself and others Congruent Behaviour
- Take all 3 factors into consideration Needs and capabilities of others Own needs and capabilities SELF OTHER CONTEXT Reality of the situation we’re in
- Being Congruent “I am self-aware, aware of others and the situation we’re in.” The Adult
- Congruent Communication means... “I’m OK, you’re OK, the situation we’re in is OK.”
- On Your Own Come up with some concrete ideas on how to behave congruently.
- Exercise #2 Stay in the same group of 5. You are still faced with the same problem. Behave in a congruent way.
- Debrief 1. What happened? 2. When you were in your Coping stance: • How did you feel? • What did you think? • What did you see? • What did you hear?
- Towards Congruence Recognise incongruence Make adjustments to your own behaviour Connect with the other person Wait for the other person to respond Repeat this process as required Use each encounter as an opportunity to learn
- Learn to recognise the stances Stance #1 Stance #2 Stance #3 Stance #4 Stance #5 Blaming Placating Super-reasonable Loving/Hating Irrelevant (aka Distracting) Look out for behaviours that remind you of the Coping Stances.
- Ask yourself why you behave the way you do 1. What’s happening? What do I feel/see/hear? 2. Why am I thinking what I am thinking? 3. What does it really mean? 4. What’s my responsibility? Ask yourself Clarifying Questions.
- Recognise your preferred stance Stance #1 Stance #2 Stance #3 Stance #4 Stance #5 Blaming Placating Super-reasonable Loving/Hating Irrelevant (aka Distracting) Learn to recognise when you adopt your “goto” Coping Stance.
- What’s your “goto” stance? me
- Exercise #3 In small groups: Identify your “goto” stance when under stress at work. Identify your “goto” stance when under stress at home. For each of your “goto” stances: • In what circumstances do you adopt your “goto” stance? • What did you? How did you behave? • How could you have acted congruently?
- Tips for Recognising Incongruence Watch soap operas • The really stressful kind full of drama all the time – call out the name of each stance as they appear Role-play for fun • Act out each stance. The more exaggerated and ridiculous the better. This will help you better recognise it when you see it • Practice with colleagues, friends and/or family
- Tips for Practicing Congruence Actively recall S.O.C. • Say to yourself: “Self-Other-Context” • Ask yourself: “Am I OK? Are you OK? Is the situation we’re in OK?” • Follow with congruent behaviour Practice S.O.C. anytime, anywhere • Practice on your commute • Practice with your colleagues, friends and/or family Mental rehearsal • Before a scheduled meeting or encounter, play out the scenario in your head and visualise yourself behaving congruently
- The Bare Essentials Rule #1: Focus on being congruent yourself Rule #2: Practice the Agile Values Communication, Simplicity, Feedback, Courage and Respect Rule #3: Work at a sustainable pace
- Session Summary
- The Magic Formula 1 Fairytale + 1 Model + Applied Theory = Happy Ending (or at least heading in the right direction)
- What happens when we get stressed? Know Reach my my goal goal We lose our cool.
- The 5 Coping Stances Stance #1 Stance #2 Stance #3 Stance #4 Stance #5 Blaming Placating Super-reasonable Loving/Hating Irrelevant (aka Distracting)
- Practice Congruence “I must be self-aware, aware of others and the situation we’re in.” The Adult
- Take all 3 factors into consideration Needs and capabilities of others Own needs and capabilities SELF OTHER CONTEXT Reality of the situation we’re in
- Session Success Criteria Understand what Congruence is. Recognise incongruent behaviour in yourself. Recognise incongruent behaviour in others. Have fun!
- Wishing you a Happily Ever After Portia Tung Jenni Jepsen portia@agilefairytales.com jenni@agilefairytales.com Recommended Resources: • Agile Fairytales: www.agilefairytales.org • Quality Software Management Vol. 3 Congruent Action by Gerald Weinberg • The Satir Model by Virginia Satir • New Peoplemaking by Virginia Satir
- Session Retrospective What Went Well ? What Went Wrong? Puzzles Lessons Learnt ?
- For More Happy Endings Share your Gift of Feedback portia@agilefairytales.com jenni@agilefairytales.com
- Session Timetable 00.00 - 00.05 – Introduction and ice breaker 05.00 - 00.15 - Agile re-telling of ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes’ 00.15 - 00.25 - Coping Stances - theory and practice 00.25 - 00.30 - Exercise 1 - Practice Coping Stances 00.30 - 00.40 - Exercise 1 - group debrief 00.40 - 00.50 - Congruence - Theory and practice 00.50 - 00.55 - Exercise 2 - Practice Congruence 00.55 - 00.65 - Exercise 2 - Group debrief 00.65 - 00.70 - Use of stances to increase self-awareness 00.70 - 00.80 - Exercise 3 - Identify your goto stance at work and at home 00.80 - 00.85 - Tips on how to become more congruent 00.85 - 00.90 - Session summary
Editor's Notes
- The Emperor is parading in his new clothes! See him in all his glory! Which role will you play? The mischievous tailor who robs the kingdom and sells the Emperor his birthday suit? Or the obsequious minister who assures the Emperor his bottom doesn ’ t look big in it? Or the innocent child who tells it like it is regardless of the danger? We all interact with different types of characters in our daily lives which may give rise to stressful situations. Together we will learn how to communicate better with others, especially at times of stress, by transforming our behaviour from incongruence to congruence. We will learn to recognise incongruence by role-playing the 5 Coping Stances, based on the Satir Model, then learn how to transform our behaviour from one of incongruence to congruence by thinking about interactions in terms of Self, Other and Context. ICE BREAKER EXERCISE Introduce yourself to two neighbours in two minutes.
- How many of us know our goals? And what stands between knowing our goals and reaching them?
- The main obstacle standing between knowing our goals and achieving them is the Grey Cloud of Threat, Pain and Fear which often results in miscommunication and misunderstanding.
- This is the current reality for many people. We experience Threat, Pain and/or Fear which leads to Stress. Stress causes us to do the wrong thing and / or say the wrong thing. We ’ re all familiar with days where it seems we just can ’ t get things right. Or may be when we suffer from a bout of ‘ foot-in-mouth ’ disease and just don ’ t seem to be able to be rid of it. Doing the wrong thing and saying the wrong thing can result in failing to reach our goal. What ’ s more, when we do the wrong thing and say the wrong thing, they create a positive feedback loop, creating more stress which causes us to do and say even more wrong things, which keep us from achieving our goal.
- What ’ s the antidote to miscommunication and misunderstanding arising from stressful situations? Congruence.
- In a world where we behave congruently, we are relaxed which allows us to be aware of Self, Other and the Situation we are in. This, in turn, enables us to do the right thing and say the right thing. The end result is achieving our goals. The more congruent we are in dealing with a problem, the less time we ’ ll spend on the problem and the fewer problems we ’ ll have.
- Are you sitting comfortably? Then we shall begin...
- Once upon a time, there lived an emperor who loved beautiful clothes. He didn't just have an outfit for every occasion, he had one for every hour of the day. The citizens wished that one day the Emperor would become a better ruler instead of blaming everyone else for bad taste .
- The Emperor's vanity became so well-known that, one day, an imposter paid the Emperor a visit. The imposter claimed to be a tailor who made the world's most beautiful clothes. "I'm no fool," said the Emperor. "What makes your clothes so special?" To which the tailor confidently replied, "The cloth I use is magical which means it's only visible to the wise and mighty. “ The tailor did a little jig as he said this, intent on distracting the Emperor in order to prevent further questioning .
- Thinking himself wise and mighty, the Emperor quickly saw the key benefit of having such a magic suit. "Wearing such a suit would help me sort out the smarties from the idiots among my advisors," thought the Emperor smugly to himself."That would indeed make me the wisest Emperor in all the lands," thought the Emperor. "Make me a beautiful suit and get to it pronto!" the Emperor commanded the tailor.
- Days go by with no progress update and the Emperor began to wonder about how his top priority project's going. And so he sent one his ministers to check up on the tailor. “ I ’ ll do whatever you ask, your Highness, ” said the minister, on his knees. This minister, like all the others, was used to placating the Emperor, doing whatever he was told .
- When the minister arrived all he could see was the tailor and the sewing machine without a single stitch of cloth in sight. “ Where ’ s the suit? ” asked the dutiful minister to which the tailor replied, “ It ’ s your fault you can ’ t see this beautiful suit made from magical cloth. You must be stupid! ” Keen to keep his job, the minister bowed and placated once again, this time to the tailor, and said, "It is indeed a beautiful suit, dear tailor, sir," and scuttled back to the Emperor with his update.
- The minister reported back to the Emperor and said, "The suit is so beautiful that words alone are impossible to do it justice your Highness." This made the Emperor smile confidently to himself.
- Finally, the day of the royal procession arrived and it was time to put on the magic suit. "It's the perfect birthday suit!" remarked the tailor randomly to the Emperor. "But it's not my birthday," thought the Emperor, “ the tailor seems distracted ! ” Being wise and mighty, the Emperor concluded that the tailor was so overwhelmed by the beauty of his creation that he had become deranged. "And your bottom doesn't look at all big in it," interjected the cheeky tailor. “ Enough with your irrelevant comments! ” said the Emperor, for everyone knew the Emperor had as fine a physique as Adonis himself.
- With the sound of trumpets, out walked the Emperor, proud as a peacock, in his magic suit. The citizens couldn't believe their eyes! No one wanted to admit they were fools, but in truth they couldn't see a stitch on the Emperor. Everyone suddenly became super-reasonable. “ It ’ s impossible to have so foolish an Emperor for we are such wise citizens, ” thought the citizens to themselves. “ We have to face what we believe are the facts, ” they pretended to reason.
- Not knowing about the magical powers of the suit, a little boy in the crowd, who didn ’ t fully understand about the situation shouted out passionately , "The stupid Emperor doesn't have anything on! I hate the Emperor for being an idiot!" “ Son, ” said the little boy ’ s father, “ always remember to think about yourself, others and the situation before you act. Behaving congruently leads to meaningful interactions even in stressful situations. ”
- Then one citizen spoke up and said, “ To admit the Emperor is naked is to admit we ’ re stupid, but it ’ s clear that the Emperor is indeed naked. I admit I ’ m not as clever as I thought I was! ”
- Everyone other than the little boy could see the Emperor had been sufficiently humiliated for all to see and so the citizens allowed the royal procession to finish. Some say the Emperor blamed the tailor for the public humiliation and fed him to the dogs. Others say that from that day hence, both the citizens and the Emperor learnt their lesson and became all the wiser by learning to behave congruently. All we know is that as with all fairytales, both citizens and emperor lived happily ever after.
- Now ’ s your chance to great your own happy ending!
- What happens when we get stressed? We lose our cool. That ’ s no good for everyone involved. And how do we deal with Stress?
- Virginia Satir and Jerry Weinberg together identified 5 stances we adopt when we are under stress. These are known as the ‘ Coping Stances ’ or as we like to call them, the Usual Suspects.
- Before we familiarise ourselves with the 5 Coping Stances, we need to warm up so that we don ’ t sprain anything. [Ask the participants to stand up. Do a few warmup exercises before acting out the stances to ensure no one strains anything.]
- Stance #1 is Blaming. When people fail to take others into account, they adopt the Blaming stance. Blaming says: “ I am everything; you are nothing. ” They only take into account their own needs and capabilities given the context and show no regard for the needs and capabilities of others. Blaming involves finger-pointing at other people. Blaming means people puff themselves up to appear bigger and better than everyone else. Such behaviour is an attempt to direct attention at someone else other than themselves. It ’ s a self-protective mechanism. The behaviour hides how inadequate the blamer actually feels. Blaming is about making someone feel small so that you feel big. Blaming arises out of low self-esteem. [Stance: Puff up your chest then turn and point your finger firmly at someone.] [Ask participants to model each of the 5 stances, one by one, after you ’ ve demoed them.]
- Stance #2 is Placating. When people don ’ t take their own needs and capabilities into account, they adopt the Placating stance. Placating behaviour says: “ I am nothing, you are everything. ” Placating means someone believes what a blamer tells them and believe they are nothing. Placating can be undetectable because it can be mistaken as being accommodating. Sometimes, people placate to evoke pity in others. Placating can lead someone to store up their anger and unleash blame and resentment at a later date. Placating, like Blaming, arises out of low self-esteem. [Stance: Stoop down and hold up your hands in supplication to an imaginary someone you ’ re trying to please/appease.]
- Stance #3 is Super-Reasonable. When someone behaves like a machine and considers only the situation but not themselves nor others, they are being Super-Reasonable. A Super-reasonable person says: “ If I can ’ t see you, then you can ’ t see me. ” They behave as though: “ The situation is everything; you and I are nothing. ” Being super-reasonable relies on quoting what appears to be facts during an argument (even if they may not be correct). Super-reasonable people try to hide their low self-esteem behind “ a curtain of rationality ” . It ’ s a bit like the Wizard of Oz who convinces everyone to not look behind the curtain because If they did, they would notice notice he ’ s only human like the rest of us. [Stance: Bend your arms at the elbow and hold them at a right angle, as though you were holding a big box. Now imagine you are a computer. In a robotic voice say, “ I claim to focus only on the facts. ” ]
- Stance #4 is Loving / Hating. When someone responds purely by extreme emotions of Love and Hate, they are only thinking of the themselves and the one they love or hate. A loving or hating person essentially says: “ You and I are everything; the situation is nothing. ” The Loving / Hating stance is most recognisable in children. People who adopt this stance often begin their comments with ‘ I love... ’ or ‘ I hate... ’ Loving and Hating often feels like a popularity contest. Lovers are blinded by their passion for one another. Favouritism is an example of Loving behaviour. One example is when you agree with everything someone says even if what they say is incorrect. Haters are consumed by their hate for one another. Prejudice is an example of Hating behaviour. One example is when you disagree with everything someone says even if what they say contains some truth. People adopting this stance of Loving / Hating always direct their response towards the other and nobody else. [Stance: Form two halves of a heart shape with each thumb and index finger. Draw both hands, with fingers still forming the heart shape towards your heart. You say, “ You ’ re perfect. I love you! ” (This is the stance for Loving.) Hold up two fists as though you were going to punch someone. Punch with the right fist then the left twice in quick succession. You say, “ You ’ re rubbish! I hate you! ” (This is the stance for Hating.)]
- Stance #5 is Irrelevant. When someone behaves oddly for no apparent reason, with no concern for themselves, others or the situation, you are probably looking at the Irrelevant stance. Irrelevant behaviour says: “ Nothing counts for anything. Irrelevant behaviour says: “ I don ’ t care about myself, others and the context. ” Irrelevant behaviour is an expression of absolute powerlessness. This is typical of people who have lost hope in accomplishing their goals. People with irrelevant behaviour console themselves with the thought that “ at least I get attention ” . [Stance: Raise both arms in the air then sway arms and body from side to side as though you were a piece of seaweed being swept by a sea current. Suddenly point to the sky and say, “ The moon is made of cheese! ” ]
- [Note to facilitator: Hand out 1 set of Stances Cards (excluding the Congruent card) to each group of 5. Ask each person to take a stance card without looking then spend a minute getting into the stance. Hand out the scenario card, one per group.] [Ask a participant to read the scenario card out loud: “ You ’ ve just finished testing your project deliverable and everyone knows the product isn ’ t shippable to meet the deadline but nobody wants to be the one to say this. ” ] [Each group has up to 5 minutes to act out their stance in response to the scenario. The goal is for everyone 1) to familiarise themselves with what the stance they ’ ve picked feels like and 2) what the other stances feel like as acted out by others.]
- Answer these questions in a discussion with the entire group.
- There are 3 factors to take into account in any situation: the Self, the Other and the Context. The Self is represented by our own needs and capabilities. The Other is represented by the needs and capabilities of others. The Context is the situation we are in.
- When under stress, apart from the 5 Coping Stances, there is another choice: be congruent.
- Being congruent means: You focus on facts. You have an open-mind. You keep an open-mind even when under stress. Unlike the Coping Stances, congruent behaviour has no stereo-types. It changes with whoever is involved and adapts from one situation to another. Many congruent behaviours are possible for any one situation.
- Congruent behaviour means: [ ] Acting sensibly [ ] Being considerate towards each other [ ] Getting things done [ ] Enjoying what we ’ re doing [ ] Low stress [ ] Low drama
- In silence, come up with ideas for transitioning from your previous Coping Stance towards congruent behaviour.
- Note to facilitator: Each group has 3 minutes to act out their congruent behaviour in response to the scenario.
- Answer these questions in a discussion with the entire group.
- Being congruent is a journey. Because it ’ s related to behaviour, it ’ s not something you can change instantaneously with the flick of a switch. It may appear simple, but it ’ s anything but easy. To move towards congruent behaviour takes a lot of practice.
- One way to recognise Congruence is to look out for behaviours that remind you of the Coping Stances. That ’ s why we role-played the 5 Coping Stances and then Congruence so that we can compare and contrast what each feels like.
- In order to change our own behaviour, we need to first understand why we behaved in a certain way. When you are under stress, ask yourself these 4 questions. Asking them will make you aware of the degree to which you may be responding / about to respond incongruently. Background information for facilitator only: Virginia Satir recommends we: Observe - what ’ s happening (intake) Interpret - the information (meaning) Feelings – acknowledge and understand (significance) Responsibility / Congruence – respond in a balanced way (response).
- Most of us will have a “ goto ” stance, a preferred stance we adopt when under stress.
- Focus on being congruent yourself Strive to be congruent yourself instead of worrying about others not being congruent Being congruent yourself will usually have a positive influence on others and the situation you ’ re in Always practice the Agile Values To be congruent means applying the values of Communication, Simplicity, Feedback, Courage and Respect Work at a sustainable pace This gives you the best chance of being congruent with minimum effort and maximum results
- Being congruent means: You focus on facts. You have an open-mind. You keep an open-mind even when under stress. Unlike the Coping Stances, congruent behaviour has no stereo-types. It changes with whoever is involved and adapts from one situation to another. Many congruent behaviours are possible for any one situation.
- Agile Fairytales is the retelling of the fairytales we know and love from an adult's point-of-view. The sessions are designed to help us rediscover the lessons we learned as children but have since forgotten. For more happy endings for you and your team, visit www.agilefairytales.com. <Collect the retrospectives and review for personal improvement actions as a facilitator and presenter> <Note from Portia and Jenni: Do send your feedback to portia@agilefairytales.com and jenni@agilefairytales.comto help make the session better than ever for future participant – Many thanks for playing!>
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