It's gaudy. It's tacky. It hungers. But enough about
the cowplant. This 'story' (oh believe me, I use the
term loosely) is really about the Yax family. The
goal of this Uglacy, as well as all other Uglacies, is
to see just how ugly you can make the Sims in ten
I think I'm off to a good start. Bruce C. Yax is
generation two's heir, and he, as well as his three
siblings who had the audacity to be kinda cute,
have gone off to college.
Who cares about the spares? I'm a poet and I
didn't even know it! Sure, I'll kinda show them, but
once they graduate, they're relegated to virtual
obscurity, only to be seen at parties.
You know, unless they are killed in an unfortunate
run in with the cowplant.
Anyway, before school is in full swing, I had
Melissa invite Bruce over so he can have a bunch
of Snapdragons. I totally forgot to have him grab
some before he moved out.
Bruce: Igor is not sure what this box with a bow is.
Melissa: It's a present silly! It has some pretty
snapdragons in it.
Bruce: Igor doesn't know what that word is. What
Melissa: Just look at your siblings, and you will
Bruce: Oh. Snapdragons self-centered and high
Melissa: Maybe looking at your siblings is a bad
Bruce looks thrilled to be taking the present,
The weird thing is, Bruce is right about his siblings
being high maintenance and self-centered. Gary
and Billy are both Popularity Sims, while Buffy is a
Pleasure Sim. So, all they want to do is throw
parties, go on dates, and meet new people.
But, I don't care about them and I am wondering
why I even bothered to send them to college; it
doesn't fulfill either LTW's for Ubert or Melissa. Oh
well, it's too late now.
Quite frankly, I just made sure that they had all the
skills needed for their current semester, and then
let them run wild. I don't think any of them saw a
4.0 GPA. Or an Aspiration level above a sliver of
Nope, it was all about Bruce and his undisputed
Uglacy caliber looks. I needed to find him a wife,
so the only real option was to send him
Bruce was not happy with me. He has 0, that's
right, it's not a typo, 0 Outgoing points.
Unfortunately for him, ”The Sims” does not have a
Mail Order Bride option. Well, at least not without
I'll take any ugly, but I do have a few Custom
Townies that I'm kinda keeping an eye out for. I
already found and married in the female Malcolm
Landgraab clone, if I could find some of the others,
it would be pretty sweet.
Sandy Bruty or Melissa Fancey would be good
options as well.
So while my vibrant, vivacious, people loving heir
ate some food, I cruised the bar scene for him.
I saw this girl enter. I saw some potential with her,
as I know what her facial structure looks like on
males (as this is a patriarchy, I needed to breed
males to inherit).
So, I made Bruce go and greet her. After about
half an hour of arm waving and sulking, he finally
That's when I realized my mistake.
Yeah, she was a teenager. I couldn't tell at first
because she wasn't standing next to anybody for a
height comparison. The Yax family might be
creepy in their ugliness, but they will never appear
on “To Catch a Predator.”
Bruce: Igor thinks you aren't going to be Igor's ray
Banned 4 Lyfe If WooHooed With Girl: No, I will
not be a ray of sunshine for you. Why don't you
have a seat, right over here...
So, alas, Bruce had to eventually go home as no
one of great potential appeared on the community
Bruce started researching Mail Order Brides. Or
working on his term paper. I can't read the Simlish
text, so I'll never know for sure.
Meanwhile, Bruce's siblings sat around
congratulating each other.
Buffy: You're almost as cute as I am Billy!
Billy Bedwetter: Why thank you Buffy! You're
almost as cute as I am!
Gary G.: Congratulations on being part of the
Greek House Buffy!
Buffy: Pfft. Like the Greek House that we started
was going to reject me. I'm too cute to reject!
Gary G.: Congratulations on going to college Billy!
Mom was worried that your bed wetting skills
might get in the way of your education.
Billy: Just because I sometimes wear adult diapers
for those 'just in case' situations doesn't mean that
I'm still not totally cute!
Billy: Hey Gary, how about we sit around and talk
about what rays of sunshine we are!
Gary G.: Oh my God! Let's sit down in the middle
of the kitchen right now to do that!
Poor Bruce. I can only assume by the expression
on his face that he was far more willing to brave
the social scene than sit around listening to his ego
stroking brothers and sister.
So I naturally, being the mind reader that I am,
decided to let him go meet new people. This was
done to rub it into Buffy, Billy, and Gary G.'s face,
as they ALL had this want, and it had yet to be
So I sent him to the bowling alley. Clearly he
would find a princess in a high class establishment
such as that.
The first person he meets is the Good Witch who
planted herself firmly by the telephone, not before
making the lot lag to the point where I thought my
game was going to crash before she appeared.
Bruce with his awesome people loving skills had
the most electrifying conversation with her.
Bruce: Igor thinks that with a hat like that, you can
get a free bowl of soup.
She was less than impressed. She was too pretty
anyway, so I allowed her to slip through his fingers.
* cue angel choir *
Bruce will search no longer. Here is another
Custom Townie that I made. She is the female
clone of Frances J. Worthington III, who funny
enough, is still a college student at LFT where the
Yax kids are.
This one has the vastly different name of Francesca
Jane Worth. See how different and original that
name is? I'll bet that if I didn't tell you that she was
the clone of Frances, you would have never
guessed! My cleverness and subtly astounds even
* ahem *
Bruce turned on all of his people loving charm and
busted out The Creepy Smile in the effort to woo
the fair Francesca.
Francesca, or Fran from here on out, was clearly
swept off her feet.
Neither Bruce nor I were going to be put off by
Fran's insatiable desire to jump Bruce's bones
You can not begin to imagine the effort it took me
to make sure that Bruce obeyed the “Family
Values” handicap. Look at her! She's all over him!
Okay, okay, you caught me. I was lying. Fran was
being a little snot and not all that interested in
Bruce. But my desire to have MOAR ugly kids
outweighed the fact that Bruce and Fran had
negative bolts for each other.
So Bruce had to resort to trickery and illusions to
give me what I want.
Bruce: Igor is uncomfortable. Igor is conversing
with a person and that person is stuck in the door.
Igor is confused. Which should bother Igor more?
Madame Fortuna (who is as lovely as the day is
long): Driiinnnk the glowing pink potion. It's so
bright and shiny! It's mesmerizing. Driiiinnnnk it.
It's made of orphan tears!
Bruce: Igor thinks that he is a lady killer now. Igor
thinks he's a fine hunk of man meat. Igor knows
that Fran will find him irresistible with the potion of
a thousand orphan tears coursing through his
It turns out that Fran, with her 3 Nice points, IS
attracted to someone who drinks love potions
concocted with the tears of a thousand orphans.
Because orphan tears are delicious and apparently
Madame Fortuna, who is as lovely as the day as
long, left the lot. Then she came back and gave
Bruce a genie lamp that will grant three wishes.
Apparently Bruce was the lucky 100th customer, so
he got a special gift.
Not one to turn down something free, be it wishes
or automatic Perma Plat status, Bruce summoned
the genie. He wished for Peace of Mind (which
gives said Perma Plat status). Then he pocketed
the lamp to give to his parents so they can make
the same wish.
It's not cheating. I looked it up to make sure. Of
course, that will give me three Family Platinum
tombstones. Oh well. Oh, and hopefully Madame
Fortuna will come by the main house and give
another lamp, so Fran can wish on it and give me a
I'm getting ahead of myself as I played a bit
forward. Bruce and Fran eventually fell in love and
earned one full bolt for each other!
So, even though the potion had long since worn
off, Fran was still attracted to someone who drank
Bruce: Igor wants Fran to be his Jane. Igor wants
to marry and have three kids. Igor wants those
three kids to graduate college.
Fran: Oooo! Jane is my middle name!
Fran: It sparkles! It shines! Wait. Is that a piece of
rock candy wrapped in tinfoil?
We'll pretend that it was.
And now that the wife hunt is over, Bruce can
concentrate of his school work and make lots and
lots of friends to spite his siblings.
All the friend making, done by calling the college
directory down the list, allowed Bruce to be
inducted into the Secret Society.
I never noticed this before, but did you know that
their lips tremble like they are about to cry when
they are handcuffed?
Oh, and alas again, this girl is too pretty for future
generations to marry.
Bruce: Igor is uncomfortable around all these
people. But Igor is also impressed with this guy's
Bruce: Igor spies something that will make Igor's
siblings happy. Igor has 9 Nice points, so he won't
force the issue. But Igor can't stop what his siblings
So Bruce swiped the cowplant to take back to the
Yax Greek House. LFT's Secret Society is utterly
useless. They barely have anything worth taking,
unlike Sim State.
Buffy: Bruce, what is this cowplant for?
Bruce: Igor knows that you and Billy and Gary
want to make new friends. Igor knows that you are
all depressed. Igor thinks that, if you wanted, the
cowplant might be the most humane thing you
could do to yourselves. Igor is not suggesting
Indeed, though the spares all still talked about how
cute they were...
Gary G.: We're so cute, we don't need makeup to
make us look better!
Buffy: I know, we are totally cute without it!
...They started becoming more and more morose
as time went on.
Billy: I want to make some friends! I want to throw
a house party! I want to throw a sports party! I
want to throw a toga party!
The became so depressed that it appeared they
were trying to commit suicide in the slowest and
most painful ways.
Billy: I'm so hot.
Buffy: So am I!
Billy: No, I mean I'm starting to burn up.
They started eating moldy food despite the fact
that there was plenty (and I do mean plenty ) of
perfectly good pizza lying around.
They started dancing around in rain puddles during
thunderstorms, all the while taunting cow mascots.
Billy: Hey cow! Your mother was a minotaur!
They even danced around burning trees and
shrubs with wild abandon, hoping that the god of
fire would purify and cleanse them of their
Bruce knew all of this. Bruce is very much the
family man, so while he doesn't necessarily want to
see his siblings dead, if they choose to off
themselves, it should be done as humanely as
So he brought home the cowplant.
And the cowplant hungers. It hungers for Sim
flesh. Depression was but a wonderful spice that
made Sim flesh that much more savory.
Delicious, delicious depression. Almost as good as
It was just a matter of time to see who would fall
for the old bait-n-switch technique. The bait being
the cake, and the switch being...THEIR DEATH!!
So, during yet another desert thunderstorm, which
if “The Sims” teaches me anything, it's that it rains
all of the time in the desert, Billy Bedwetter and
Buffy were watching the cheerleader beat up the
cow mascot. They were also waiting to be struck
But Gary... oh, Gary heard the cowplant's siren call.
Cowplant: Gaaary. GAAAARRRY. Why don't you
have some of this delicious cake? It tastes sooooo
goooood. Gaaaary. You know you can't resist it.
Gary: Huh? Is someone actually talking to me?
Cowplant: Gaaaary. Have some cake.
It's...delicious! Dare I say, it's...TO DIE FOR!
Gary: Nah, I think I'll go have some moldy pizza,
Cowplant: CURSE YOU!
The next day, the cowplant had another
opportunity to have a delicious and succulent
Cowplant: Psst. Hey Buffy. Why don't you have
some cake. It has...FROSTING!
Buffy: Nah. I'm more of a salt girl. I think I'll go
have chips instead.
Cowplant: Biiiilyyyy. Wouldn't you rather...EAT
Billy: Mmmmm, this pizza I just got is awesome.
It's totally better than the other two pizzas that
Gary and Buffy got from campus half an hour ago.
The cowplant clearly needed some help.
Cowplant: Hey Gary! Now is your chance! She's
all burnt up and crispy! Just throw her into my
mouth before she comes around! And then, as a
reward, you could have some of my delicious cake!
Buffy: What's going on? Did my awesome hotness
completely overwhelm me?
Gary: It totally did! Hey? You want to go get
Cowplant: Hey. Drama Professor. I could totally
go for some beef jerky right now. GET IN MAH
Drama Professor: Buffy is 18, right? I don't want to
meet Chris Hansen...
In fact, the only one who showed the remotest
interest in having some cowplant cake was Bruce.
Luckily, I was able to keep him distracted.
And so it went. The spares went to class, or didn't,
I don't know. I didn't pay attention. Bruce had a
4.0 GPA and had almost maxed out all of his skills.
The cowplant was never fed. Apparently, the
spares weren't that suicidal.
Finally, college was done. I make it a point to not
change the clothes they age into and I am going to
feature them as they make their way down the
catwalk. I mean, stairs.
Here is Buffy. Very nice and tacky. Exactly what I
want to see.
Here is Gary Gygax Yax. He's planning on giving
Goopy a run for his money.
Billy Bedwetter just had to be difficult and go out a
different door, despite the fact that that there was
nobody in his way and my camera was all set up by
the front door.
His clothes are a bit hillbilly. Ha!
And finally, Bruce. Not only is it a cowboy shirt,
but it's a YELLOW cowboy shirt. He's going to fit it
quite nicely with the new house design and decor.
As the kids all return back to Strangetown, the
cowplant shed a tear.
Cowplant: WHYYYY? Why must I STAAARVE!
I opted to have these three move into an
apartment, with a computer and telephone,
instead of letting them sit in the Sim Bin.
I don't know what it is about the No Pet sign that
makes Sims flock to it, but clearly Buffy doesn't
approve. Or she doesn't approve of Gary's
clothes, which is funnier.
So, here they will sit, the house never to be loaded
again as more and more spares move into the one
Bruce, on the other hand, gets to move into the
Legacy house, newly remodeled and painted in a
rather subdued color: Stop Sign Red.
Wasting absolutely no time, Bruce invites Fran over
so she can move in. She wanted to bring a friend.
I really hope I am not the only one who finds this
funny. In my Devereaux Legacy, Malcolm is in a
relationship with Frances J. Worthington.
In this legacy, Melissa Yax is the female clone of
Malcolm, and it just so happens that Fran is his
For me, this is totally like worlds colliding, or
maybe even the Kennedy/Lincoln thing.
* amused *
So naturally, I had Melissa greet him.
Melissa: You look strangely familiar.
Malcolm: You know, I was about to say the same
thing! What a crazy random happenstance!
I even had him stick around for the wedding.
Ubert: My wife is hot!
Malcolm: Is that man thinking about me?
So, with utterly no pomp and circumstance, Bruce
and Fran got married on the front lawn under the
wedding arch that mysteriously appeared and just
as suddenly disappeared.
And there was much rejoicing.
As a side note, I'm rather impressed by the non-
tacky formal wear the spares grew into.
The party was a rousing success. I use to have
such problems with making any party I threw have
Roof Raiser scores. Then I learned something: I
have to actually make my Sims talk to their guests.
Of course, the guests still don't eat from the buffet
table, so I've given up on buying that. But as long
as everyone is socializing, there is no need for
food, a bar, music, or any sort of entertainment.
And again, there was much rejoicing.
So, while Bruce and Fran repeatedly tried to
conceive the third generation, the guests all left.
Except for Buffy. I don't know why she didn't leave.
I know Sims that have a lot of Outgoing pints will
make themselves at home whenever they are
invited (or even not invited) somewhere. But Buffy
only has 5 Outgoing points.
The only thing I could think of was this...
Buffy: Teehee. I'm so cute, even when I have
lipstick all over my teeth!
If it wasn't that, then I am totally drawing a blank.
Anyway, that's it for this chapter. Next chapter will
be all about making ugly babies, and hopefully
having an heir poll on who is the ugliest.
Stay tuned with baited breath!
Thanks for reading and Happy Simming!