The 4 X 4 of BPD Two sets of four rulesthat make relationships 4X4 with Borderlineseasier for the Non-BPD By Bon Dobbs
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is BPD is a a serious mental illness of dysregulation, dyscontrol and impulsivity. People withpainful mental BPD are highly emotionally sensitive. People with BPD react strongly toillness in which negative emotional cues. People with the sufferer’s BPD take longer to recover from emotional states than others. When a emotional person with BPD is in a highly emotional state, they are said to be “emotionally system is dysregulated”. dysregulated.
BPD can be extremely stressful on close interpersonal relationships, especiallyfamily, partners and friends.
Dysregulation occurs in five areas: Emotions Behavior RelationshipsPeople with BPD can feel that they Self-Imageare awash with negative emotions, drowning in a sea of sadness, Cognition anger, desperation and shame.
RelationshipsRejection Love/HateSensitivity Unstable Relationships Need for Reassurance Idealizing Others Lack of Intimacy Fear of Judgment Weak Lack of Boundaries Trust
CognitionIrresponsibility Devaluation Black-and- White Thinking Jealousy Negativity Perceived Feelings Threats Are Facts Paranoia
Self-Image Identity Confusion Poor Self-worth Insecurity Shame Confused WhoEmptiness Sexuality Am I? Feeling Dead Inside Dependant
In pain, Emotional, Confused, Angry, Filled with Fear, Numb, Tired, Angry, Acting out, Secretive, Isolated, Self-destructive, Fed-up Suicidal I’m in She’s pain! Nuts!
The gulf between the BP and Non-BP creates aserious communication issue. It is as if the BP and theNon-BP are speaking two different languages.
RelationshipRULE #1: This rule is also It’s notknow as “IAAHF” about you.or “It’s all abouthis/her feelings.
RelationshipRULE #2: Validation is for emotions. While Learn to behaviors can be validate Feelings validated, they shouldbe only with respect tothe emotions that drive (it takes practice) them.
RelationshipRULE #3: People with BPD are very sensitive to judgment. They can Learn to be non-judgmentalinterpret judgment of their behaviors as judgment of themselves.
Relationship RULE #4:People with BPD knowbest how to solve their Don’t try toown problems. You can solve otherhelp direct them to themost effective solution, people’sbut not tell them what problems. to do.
Self RULE #1:Relationships can be greatly damaged when a personintentionally tries to harm the other Do no harm. person. Attacking back just perpetuates the emotions.
Self RULE #2:It is most effective tobe brave and say howyou feel. If you tell the Be brave.BP that you are angry,sad or frightened, theycan’t argue with yousince that is how youactually feel.
Self RULE #3: Trying to changesomething that you have Accept what no power to change you have to, leads to frustration. If change what you can’t change something it has to be you can. accepted “as is.”
Self RULE #4: The nature of effective boundaries is that you Stick to your values whilestick to your own values. Boundaries are for you and your behavior, not being the borderline’s. effective.
Bon Dobbs is a Non-BP whooperates the “Anything toStop the Pain” blog andGoogle Support list. Bon haswritten a “how-to” guide forNon-BP’s called “WhenHope is Not Enough”.