1.
The Happiness Project The First Church of Salem, Unitarian Workshop IV: CULTIVATING HAPPINESS IN AND THROUGH RELATIONSHIPS

2.
A Brief Review <ul><li>1. Happiness is not merely “pleasure” </li></ul><ul><li>Pleasure fades fast… </li></ul><ul><li>2. Happiness is not a thing to be attained </li></ul><ul><li>3. Happiness as process and judgment </li></ul><ul><li>Self-Cultivation : The process of working toward my goals and values; becoming a better person . </li></ul><ul><li>Appreciation : Appreciating what is good in who you are and what you have right now . </li></ul>

3.
Happiness is about Cultivating and Appreciating A Good Life

4.
The Happiness Process Everyday Life Cultivating my “best self” 1 Make a new connection today

5.
The Happiness Process Everyday Life Cultivating my best self 1 2 Reflecting on My Actions Make a new connection today

6.
The Happiness Process Everyday Life Cultivating my best self 1 2 Appreciate : What is good about… this moment? Cultivate : How can I continue to improve? Reflecting & Appreciation

7.
The Happiness Process Everyday Life Cultivating my best self 1 2 Reflecting on My Actions Welcome new attendees Appreciate : I was able to say “hello” to Jack and Phyl Cultivate : I was nervous; breathe more next time

8.
Happiness is Work/ Contribution Health/ Self-Care Love/ Relationships Cultivation & Appreciation in Each Domain

9.
Happiness is Work/ Contribution Health/ Self-Care Love/ Relationships Cultivation & Appreciation in Each Domain

10.
I. SELFCARE: Mindfulness <ul><li>One element of self-care is mindfulness : being aware of what is happening in the present moment . </li></ul>BREATHING is an act of centering focuses our awareness that can be done anytime, anywhere for immediate re-centering

11.
Exercise I: What does this moment have to offer? <ul><li>Close your eyes and clear your mind </li></ul><ul><li>Attend to what feels good about your breathing. Consciously appreciate it. </li></ul><ul><li>Ask: What does this moment have to offer? </li></ul><ul><li>Appreciate </li></ul>

13.
Happiness is Work/ Contribution Health/ Self-Care Love/ Relationships Cultivation & Appreciation in Each Domain

14.
II: CULTIVATING THE PRACTICE OF SELF-CULTIVATION (In Work and Life) Reflecting upon and Developing Your MINDSET Cultivating my best self Appreciation Reflection for Cultivation

15.
Ability Joe Fixedhead Thick shell around encased “ability-as-thing” <ul><li>I am my abilities </li></ul><ul><li>My abilities are fixed </li></ul><ul><li>Success and failure are linked to my fixed ability </li></ul><ul><li>Success: I feel good about myself! </li></ul><ul><li>If I fail, I feel bad about myself. </li></ul><ul><li>Goal: Demonstrate my high ability. </li></ul>Fixed Mindset

16.
Fixed Mindset <ul><li>If I believe I have high ability, I am not threatened. I know I’ll succeed and gain esteem! </li></ul><ul><li>If I believe that I have LOW ability, I am threatened. </li></ul><ul><li>Failure means I’m dumb: Shame , low self-esteem </li></ul><ul><li>I will avoid the challenge; choose an easier task </li></ul><ul><li>Since I am primarily motivated to protect myself from threats to self-esteem, I do not put forth the effort to meet the challenge, I do not improve . </li></ul>

17.
Growth Mindset Ability is not a fixed thing; it is a set of skills that can be and must be developed

18.
Growth Mindset <ul><li>I am not my abilities; I am a process ; I am a work in progress . </li></ul><ul><li>Intelligence and ability – no matter what it is – is not fixed; it must develop </li></ul><ul><li>Any “ability” – set of skills – requires effort and hard work in order to develop. </li></ul><ul><li>My self-esteem is not tied “fixed ability”; it is tied to the process of becoming – to my progress relative to where I was or am. </li></ul>

19.
Ability Joe Fixedhead Criticism and Critical Feedback Joe, I think that the diagram you made may need a few changes.

20.
Joe Fixedhead Criticism and Critical Feedback WAH!!! YOU DON’T LIKE MY CHARTS. YOU DON’T LIKE ME. WAH!!! DON’T YOU KNOW THAT I AM MY DIAGRAMS?

21.
Incrementally Improving Irma TAKE TWO Irma, I think that the diagram you made may need a few changes. Hmm… What can I learn from this? Esteemed Boss

22.
Happiness is Work/ Contribution Health/ Self-Care Love/ Relationships Cultivation & Appreciation in Each Domain

23.
III. Finding Happiness in and through Relationships <ul><li>Some Relationship Myths </li></ul><ul><li>You have to know yourself before you can know others. </li></ul><ul><li>You don’t need others to be happy. </li></ul><ul><li>Infants first enter the world as individuals who then must learn to be social. </li></ul><ul><li>You have to first be happy with/love yourself before you can enter into relationships. </li></ul>

24.
Relationship Myths <ul><li>How can I put this gently… </li></ul><ul><li>This is a bit of overextended, individualist put-your-self-up-by-your-bootstraps I-am-a-rock, I-am-an-island Western nonsensical NONSENSE . </li></ul>

25.
Myths <ul><li>These are indeed myths. </li></ul><ul><li>Now, I don’t want to say that knowing yourself, loving yourself, being self-reliant, “having your stuff together” are not good things. </li></ul><ul><li>I simply want to say that the self-before-other belief is seriously flawed , and has negative implications for the development of relationships! </li></ul>

26.
The Traditional View MY fixed beliefs, values, feelings, attitudes, preferences, intentions, “traits”, etc. YOUR fixed beliefs, values, feelings, attitudes, preferences, intentions, “traits”, etc. Before We Meet ME YOU

27.
The Traditional View MY fixed beliefs, values, feelings, attitudes, preferences, intentions, “traits”, etc. YOUR fixed beliefs, values, feelings, attitudes, preferences, intentions, “traits”, etc. We Meet ME YOU Funny Good Provider Reads World News Looks like Brad Pitt Likes Chick Flicks Walking in the Rain Active Likes Football Reads World Wrestling Looks like the Pitts Likes Action Movies Walking Like John Wayne yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no Checklist Checklist Do some Independent Ratings

28.
The Traditional View MY fixed beliefs, values, feelings, attitudes, preferences, intentions, “traits”, etc. YOUR fixed beliefs, values, feelings, attitudes, preferences, intentions, “traits”, etc. Make Independent Decisions ME YOU Funny Good Provider Reads World News Looks like Brad Pitt Likes Chick Flicks Walking in the Rain Active Likes Football Reads World Wrestling Looks like the Pitts Likes Action Movies Walking Like John Wayne yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no Checklist Checklist

29.
The Traditional View MY fixed beliefs, values, feelings, attitudes, preferences, intentions, “traits”, etc. YOUR fixed beliefs, values, feelings, attitudes, preferences, intentions, “traits”, etc. ME YOU Funny Good Provider Reads World News Looks like Brad Pitt Likes Chick Flicks Walking in the Rain Active Likes Football Reads World Wrestling Looks like the Pitts Likes Action Movies Walking Like John Wayne yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no Checklist Checklist YES Make Independent Decisions

30.
The Traditional View MY fixed beliefs, values, feelings, attitudes, preferences, intentions, “traits”, etc. YOUR fixed beliefs, values, feelings, attitudes, preferences, intentions, “traits”, etc. ME YOU Funny Good Provider Reads World News Looks like Brad Pitt Likes Chick Flicks Walking in the Rain Active Likes Football Reads World Wrestling Looks like the Pitts Likes Action Movies Walking Like John Wayne yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no Checklist Checklist YES Make Independent Decisions

31.
The Traditional View MY fixed beliefs, values, feelings, attitudes, preferences, intentions, “traits”, etc. YOUR fixed beliefs, values, feelings, attitudes, preferences, intentions, “traits”, etc. ME YOU Funny Good Provider Reads World News Looks like Brad Pitt Likes Chick Flicks Walking in the Rain Active Likes Football Reads World Wrestling Looks like the Pitts Likes Action Movies Walking Like John Wayne yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no Checklist Checklist YES YES Make Independent Decisions

32.
The Traditional View MY fixed beliefs, values, feelings, attitudes, preferences, intentions, “traits”, etc. YOUR fixed beliefs, values, feelings, attitudes, preferences, intentions, “traits”, etc. ME YOU Now we have a relationship And the independent bouncy ball process continues….

33.
This is an overly simplistic way of thinking about relationships! <ul><li>Yes, people are separate from one another. That’s why I am me and you are you. </li></ul><ul><li>But people are also inherently connected to each other; they are inherently social rather than individual and “encased” </li></ul>

34.
In fact, we are social from birth …(how could it be otherwise?) <ul><li>Here is an example of an inherently social infant, engaged in the process of </li></ul><ul><li>social (relationship) development… </li></ul><ul><li>WARNING! </li></ul><ul><li>Videotape of breast feeding episode approaching! </li></ul>

35.
The Social Infant <ul><li>Engaging in non-verbal dialogue </li></ul>

36.
The Social Infant <ul><li>Engaging in non-verbal dialogue </li></ul><ul><li>Neonate Imitation as non-verbal dialogue </li></ul><ul><ul><li>In a monkey </li></ul></ul>

37.
The Social Infant <ul><li>Engaging in non-verbal dialogue </li></ul><ul><li>Imitation as non-verbal dialogue </li></ul><ul><ul><li>In a monkey </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>And a baby </li></ul></ul>

38.
The Social Infant <ul><li>Engaging in non-verbal dialogue </li></ul><ul><li>Imitation as non-verbal dialogue </li></ul><ul><ul><li>In a monkey </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>And a baby </li></ul></ul><ul><li>And, of course, an overly precocious child. </li></ul>

39.
The Point <ul><li>We are inherently social beings. </li></ul><ul><li>We develop through relationships </li></ul><ul><li>We need others in order to develop </li></ul><ul><li>You might say: </li></ul><ul><li>“ What about when I’m all developed and self-reliant?” </li></ul>

40.
The Point <ul><li>Well, we never really become fully developed or self-reliant . (And if you were fully “self-reliant”, you’d couldn’t continue to develop.) </li></ul><ul><li>. </li></ul>And yes, Mr. Thoreau, Writing a book in the woods is a social act . Reading a book in the woods in a social act.

41.
Communication & Relationships <ul><li>Our “selves” are created through relationships. </li></ul><ul><li>To understand why, it is important to understand the nature of communication . </li></ul><ul><li>Communication is central in creating to ALL relationships. </li></ul><ul><li>(Note: Communication is not simply verbal) </li></ul>

42.
How Does Communication Happen? RECEIVER x-y-z a-b-c Decode message Translate to speech Transmit message SENDER Construct thought SENDER RECEIVER Transmit message Translate to speech Decode message Construct thought

43.
ALL BEHAVIOR IS COMMUNICATIVE <ul><li>We are simultaneously “senders” and “receivers” </li></ul><ul><li>We continuously adjust what we do, say and feel to what the other does and what we anticipate the other will do! </li></ul><ul><li>The “message” we send is thus jointly created. </li></ul>The non-verbal is especially important

44.
Our Selves are Co-Created (We need others) <ul><li>We exist and develop through communication and relationships. </li></ul>

45.
<ul><li>Communication Helps Make Us Who We Are </li></ul><ul><li>Relationships Help Make Us Who We Are </li></ul><ul><li>Our actions, feelings, thoughts and sense of self are jointly-created or co-controlled! </li></ul><ul><li>The other is a part of what we do, who we are and who we become, both together and individually. </li></ul>

46.
What About Relationships? <ul><li>What is a relationship? </li></ul><ul><li>Coordination of expectations and rules for interacting with one another </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Dynamic , not static </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Relationships are co-constructed </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Require constant adjustment, readjustment to the needs, beliefs, values, actions, of the other. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>This is accomplished in and through continuous communication . </li></ul></ul>

47.
There are Many Types of Satisfying Relationships <ul><li>Friendship </li></ul><ul><li>Sibling </li></ul><ul><li>Parent-Child </li></ul><ul><li>Mentor-Mentee </li></ul><ul><li>Professional Relationships </li></ul><ul><li>Therapeutic Relationships </li></ul><ul><li>Love/Partnership Relationships </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Gay, Straight, Other </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>With or without erotic components </li></ul></ul>

48.
There are Many Types of Satisfying Relationships <ul><li>These principles apply to all relationships. </li></ul><ul><li>There is no single type of relationship that can bring about happiness. (A partnership relationship is not essential .) </li></ul><ul><li>Much of the discussion will focus on partnership relationships, but applies in different ways to other types of relationships </li></ul>

49.
All Relationships Share the Following: <ul><li>Coordination of expectations and rules for interacting with one another </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Dynamic , not static </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Relationships are co-constructed </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Require constant adjustment and readjustment, to various degrees, to the needs, beliefs, values, actions, of the other. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>This is accomplished in and through continuous communication . </li></ul></ul>

50.
Now, most important relationships can be <ul><li>hard. </li></ul><ul><li>Really hard… </li></ul>

51.
And further: <ul><li>They take a whole lot of…. </li></ul><ul><li>WORK! </li></ul>

52.
The Argument So Far COMMON MYTHS ALTERNATIVE <ul><li>We are first “individuals” and have to learn to become social. </li></ul>We are inherently social from birth. Self- and relationship build upon this social foundation. <ul><li>We have to know ourselves first before we can know others. </li></ul>We come to know ourselves through our relationships with other people. <ul><li>You have to “have own your stuff” together before you can have relationships with others </li></ul>We develop our selves through our relationships with others. (If we waited to get our stuff together, well…) <ul><li>You shouldn’t need anyone to be happy; you should be able to be happy with yourself. </li></ul>Independence and self-reliance are important skills. That does not mean we can or should necessarily function as solitary beings.

53.
A Central Point <ul><li>To say that happiness involves cultivating good relationships is NOT to say that OTHER PEOPLE ARE WHAT MAKE US HAPPY . </li></ul><ul><li>Relationships involves two separate but connected individuals. It is the RELATIONSHIP that brings happiness – not the OTHER PERSON per se . </li></ul><ul><li>You play a direct role in choosing and cultivating what you get out of a relationship . </li></ul>

54.
So, how do we cultivate good relationships? <ul><li>The Centrality of Love </li></ul><ul><li>Selecting Nourishing Relationships </li></ul><ul><li>Coordinating Interests through Active Communication </li></ul><ul><li>The Centrality of Conflict Management </li></ul>

55.
1. The Centrality of Love (It’s not what you might think)

56.
<ul><li>What is Love ? </li></ul><ul><li>Harry Stack Sullivan </li></ul><ul><li>When the satisfaction or security of the another person becomes as significant to one as is one’s own satisfaction or security, then the state of love exists. </li></ul>

57.
<ul><li>Valuing the Other for the Sake of the Other </li></ul><ul><li>Knowledge of the other </li></ul><ul><li>Responsivity to other </li></ul><ul><li>Caring for the other </li></ul><ul><li>Romantic Partnership Love involves the formation of a joint identity </li></ul><ul><li>From I  We </li></ul>What is Love ?

58.
Imagine a Treasured Vase

59.
Imagine a Treasured Vase <ul><li>You need to know it (as a vase) to value it. </li></ul><ul><li>You will care for it and make sure it is not damaged </li></ul><ul><li>You will be responsive to it (e.g., sensitive to its fragility) </li></ul>

60.
<ul><li>What is Love ? </li></ul><ul><li>Note that these definitions of love apply to many different types of relationships </li></ul><ul><li>Love is not simply a “feeling” – it’s not the adolescent ginger pop of being “in love” </li></ul>

61.
<ul><li>What is Love ? </li></ul><ul><li>Instead, it is a way of relating to the world; a stance ; a way of acting toward others. </li></ul><ul><li>To act out of love is to act in these ways… </li></ul>

62.
Love and Relationships <ul><li>What would happen if, in every interaction in which you were involved, you attempted explicitly to act out of love ? </li></ul><ul><li>How would you act in those relationships? How might you treat your partner? Friend? Co-worker? Sibling? Child? The guy who just flipped you off on the highway? </li></ul>

63.
2. Identifying Satisfying Relationships Me You Us

64.
2. Identifying Satisfying Relationships Me : What am I looking for in this relationship? You : What can I contribute to this relationship? Us : What we create together in this relationship? Three Questions

65.
3. Coordinating Interests Bowling, Motorcycles ‘n Republican Politics Opera, Bicycling, and President Barack Obama

66.
3. Coordinating Interests <ul><li>A relationship is an enduring yet dynamic coordination of interests, and expectations between individuals . </li></ul><ul><li>A relationship doesn’t necessarily require shared interests, beliefs, values, expectations, desires, activities, or the like. </li></ul><ul><li>It does require active coordination of interests (etc.) of two separate individuals. </li></ul>

67.
3. Coordinating Interests Bowling ! Opera ! Republican! Democrat Biking conflict! conflict! Motorcycle! daytrips! MAX TINA With Alice With Ralph With Norton With Trudy

68.
4. The Central Importance of Managing Conflict

69.
<ul><li>Conflict is not something to be avoided. </li></ul><ul><li>Conflict is inevitable in all relationships </li></ul><ul><li>Conflict itself is not a problem </li></ul><ul><ul><li>The problem is how conflict is managed . </li></ul></ul>4. The Central Importance of Managing Conflict <ul><ul><li>When Handled Well, Conflict can be a Good Thing! </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>It can prompt development of the relationship </li></ul></ul>

70.
4. The Central Importance of Managing Conflict <ul><ul><li>Conflict Management is a special case of Coordinating Interests and Needs in a Relationship </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Think of Conflicts not simply as Problems , but instead as Problems-to-be-Solved . </li></ul></ul>

71.
4. Some Pre-Requisites <ul><ul><li>Honesty is generally the best policy </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Holding back causes problems. </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>State your needs (using I-Statements) </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Stating Your Needs: Use I-Statements </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>I-Statements do not blame or accuse </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>They provide information </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>They communicate your vulnerability </li></ul></ul></ul>

72.
4. I- and You-Statements <ul><ul><li>You-Statements </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>You never put the seat down. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>You always criticize me. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>You forgot to buy the avocado spread. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>You are a stupid, hopeless, inconsiderate, imbecile with narcissistic tendencies. </li></ul></ul>

73.
4. I- and You-Statements <ul><ul><li>I-Statements </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I feel as if you aren’t thinking of me when you leave the seat up. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>It hurts me to hear things like that. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I feel left out when you only speak to your friends at a party. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Buying the avocado spread makes me feel loved. </li></ul></ul>

74.
4. This is not an I-Statement <ul><ul><li>I think you are a stupid, hopeless, inconsiderate, imbecile with narcissistic tendencies. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>This is a You-Statement (thinly) disguised as an I-Statement </li></ul></ul>

75.
4. Managing Conflict: Working Toward Win-Win Solutions

76.
I Win, You Lose Mother : “It’s raining out. Put on your raincoat.” Sarah : “I don’t want to wear my raincoat.” Mother : “I said for you to put on your raincoat. If you don’t put it on, no party Saturday.” Sarah : (Reluctantly putting on the raincoat) “ I hate this coat.”

77.
You Win, I Lose Mother : “It’s raining out. Why don’t you go and put on your new raincoat.” Sarah : “I hate that raincoat. Everyone will laugh at me if I wear it.” Mother : “What do you mean? It’s a lovely raincoat. Please put it on for me?” Sarah : “I hate that coat; you can’t make me put it on” Mother : &quot;(Exasperated) Allright then, you don’t have to wear it. But it’s such a nice coat!&quot;

78.
Compromise Mother : “It’s raining out. Why don’t you go and put on your raincoat.” Sarah : “I hate that raincoat. Everyone will laugh at me if I wear it.” Mother : “But it’s cold out and I don’t want you to get wet. Wear the coat” Sarah : “I’ll wear the coat but only from here to the bus. I’m not going into school wearing it.” Mother : &quot;(Exasperated) Okay, at least you won’t get wet waiting.”

79.
Win-Win Solutions Mother : “It’s raining out. Why don’t you go and put on your raincoat.” Sarah : “I hate that raincoat. Everyone will laugh at me if I wear it.” Mother : “I didn’t know you hated that coat! I want you to be warm and dry. Is there a way that you can be warm and dry and not have everyone laugh at you?” Sarah : “I like your blue raincoat. It’s really cool.” Mother : “What? That old and ugly thing? I can’t believe you actually like it.

80.
The Key to Win-Win Solutions <ul><li>Separating Problems from Solutions </li></ul><ul><li>Seeing that our conflicts are often at cross-purposes – our wants often don’t collide. </li></ul><ul><li>Win-win solutions are motivated by good will – I want you to get what you want. </li></ul><ul><li>Win-Win solutions coordinate our needs in ways that we can’t anticipate before problem solving. </li></ul>

81.
Yes, but it takes effort , good will and eternal coordination .