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Words & music using ei to transform relationships


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Relationships are dynamic, alive and responsive to the choices, attitudes and behaviors we bring to them. Research shows that we really are living in organic networks in which we are constantly impacting others and the social environment as the social world impacts us. The competencies associated with Emotional Intelligence directly and powerfully transform interactions and ongoing relationships with others. These skills can be learned and every day is a new opportunity to practice them.

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Words & music using ei to transform relationships

  1. 1. Words & Music:Using The Competencies of Emotional Intelligence To Transform RelationshipsJude Treder-Wolff, LCSW, RMT, CGPLifestage,
  2. 2. Objectives1. Describe the competencies associated withemotionally intelligence that power positivechange in relationships;2. Identify the mind and skill set for developingthese competencies;3. Identify techniques that can be usedimmediately in real time to practice thesecompetencies in relationships;
  3. 3. Emotional Intelligence is the expression of a rich interplay of conscious feelings, thought-action repertoires, and attitudes“Emotional Intelligence(EI): Our ability to engageour emotionality ineffective ways in order tofacilitate positiveoutcomes in ourrelationships.”Dr. Michael E. Rock. one of a few specialists inthe world currently licensed to certifyprofessionals in the understanding of, thestatistical research background in, and theinterpretation and use of the BarOn EQ-i
  4. 4. Abraham Lincoln displayed a natural emotionalintelligence that is a model for how to engage with others around high-stakes problemsAfter winning the presidency,Lincoln made theunprecedented decision toincorporate his eminent rivals– all with more fame andpolitical experience than he -into his political family. Theirpresence might havethreatened to eclipse him, but“Abraham Lincoln became theundisputed captain of thismost unusual cabinet, truly ateam of rivals.” Doris Kearns Goodwin,Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of AbrahamLincoln, Simon & Schuster, 2006: xvi
  5. 5. Relationships and social interactionscan be a significant source of stress. Patterns of responses and relationship dynamics tend to show up over and over.
  6. 6. The skills associated with Emotional Intelligence can be learned. Every day is a new opportunity to practice.“Every response you give to anotherperson involves your intellect andyour emotions. The intellectcomposes the message, and theemotions provide animation and grace.Emotion is to the message what musicis to the lyric. Without the tune, whowould ever remember the lyric? Theskill to combine intellect and emotionin this dramatic and powerful fashion isemotional intelligence, and itpossesses the power to elevate eventhe common exchanges of everydayencounters from the base level of you-and-me to the sublimity of I-and-Thou!”Howard Hopkins, retired teacher,
  7. 7. Everyone can develop theseskills. Some people just needmore time than others…“Ill give you awinterprediction: Itsgonna be cold,its gonna begrey, and itsgonna last youfor the rest ofyour life.”Bill Murray asPhil Connors in Groundhog Day (1993)
  8. 8. Same day, different guy“When Chekhov saw the longwinter, he saw a winter bleakand dark and bereft of hope.Yet we know that winter is justanother step in the cycle oflife. But standing here amongthe people of Punxsutawneyand basking in the warmth oftheir hearths and hearts, Icouldnt imagine a better fatethan a long and lustrouswinter.” Bill Murray as Phil Connors inGroundhog Day (1993)
  9. 9. Competencies of Emotional Intelligence That Transform Relationships • Self-Awareness and Self-Control – an accurate understanding of how one’s behavior and words affect others • Emotional and inner awareness – an accurate understanding of how one’s emotions and thoughts affect behaviors • Accurate self-assessment of skills and abilities – an honest assessment of strengths and weaknesses • Conscious planning of communication – the ability to be proactive rather than reactive when approaching conversations, with the aim of achieving the best results • Respectful listening – listen deeply and seek to understand what others are saying • Creativity and sense of play – the ability to take one self lightly and engage with serious situations in a creative way Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence, Bantom Dell, 2006
  10. 10. “What we call society is really a vast network of mutual agreements.” U.S. Senator S.I. Hayakawa“People are embedded insocial networks and thehealth and wellbeing ofone person affects thehealth and wellbeing ofothers. Human happinessis not merely the provinceof isolated individuals.”•“Dynamic spread of happiness in a largesocial network: longitudinal analysis over 20years in the Framingham Heart Study” BritishMedical Journal 4 December 2008
  11. 11. Social networks and relationships change behavior•Every facet of health examined so far appearsto “spread” from person to person.•The strength of a network effect depends onthe strength of a friendship.•“Friendship as a health factor” Science, Volume 323 23 January 2009,
  12. 12. Happiness grows or diminishes through network effects• “Clusters of happy and unhappy people are visible in the network, and the relationship between people’s happiness extends up to three degrees of separation (for example, to the friends of one’s friends’ friends). People who are surrounded by many happy people and those who are central in the network are more likely to become happy in the future.”• “People’s happiness depends on the happiness of others with whom they are connected. This provides further justification for seeing happiness, like health, as a collective phenomenon.”• “Dynamic spread of happiness in a large social network: longitudinal analysis over 20 years in the Framingham Heart Study” British Medical Journal 4 December 2008
  13. 13. Our emotions are impacted by the social environment. And our emotions have an impact on the environment.Human emotions are highlycontagious. Seeing others’emotional expressions – such assmiles or tears - often triggersthe corresponding emotionalresponse in the observer. Byenhancing the synchrony of brainactivity across individuals,emotions may promote socialinteraction and facilitateinterpersonal understanding.•“Emotions promote social interaction by synchronizing brainactivity across individuals” Proceedings of the NationalAcademy of Science, May 24, 2012
  14. 14. Emotions are contagiousResearch about partners •Researchers recruited Israelisgetting past difficult conflict and Arabs for a study in whichfound that the capacity to subjects read stories about therecover from conflict well suffering of members of theirpredicts higher satisfaction own groups or that of conflict-and more favorable group members.perceptions of a relationship. •Brain activity in the areas thatAnd the partner of someone respond to emotional pain waswho recovers well benefits identical when reading aboutequally as much. suffering by ones own group or the conflict group. • “Social cognition in members of conflict groups:University of Minnesota (2011, February 14). You benefit if behavioural and neural responses in Arabs, Israelisyour romantic partner recovers well from spats. ScienceDaily and South Americans to each others misfortunes” Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, 2012
  15. 15. Kindness is catchingWhen we see someone else help another person it gives us a good feeling, which in turn causes us to go out and do something altruistic ourselves A recent study - the first of its kind to systematically The report document this tendency in concluded that human nature - showed that individuals who witnessed kindness has good deeds experienced what “substantial is termed “elevation” – loftiness of thought and implications… for feeling - and were prepared to the health and well- put twice as much effort in helping someone with a being of the tedious task compared with populace.” those who had not seen any •“Elevation Leads to Altruistic Behavior” Psychological altruistic behavior. Science, January 2011
  16. 16. Fake kindness does not have the same effect as authentic kindness.“This kind of interpersonal behavior cannot, andmust not be faked. If you dont have genuineenthusiasm, empathy, and a real desire to makepeople happy, then your efforts to be contagiouswill be transparently phony. If you fake it, you wontinfect people with happiness -- youll just makethem queasy.Michael Hess, “Contaminate Them With Kindness” MoneyWatch,
  17. 17. We send emotional signals in every encounter, and those signals affect those we are with.“The more adroitwe are socially,the better wecontrol the signalswe send.”Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence, Bantom Dell, 2006
  18. 18. Self-knowledge is key to social harmonyBy directly involving themselves in certain situations, individuals highin EI assist other individuals and groups of people to live together withgreater harmony and satisfaction.Discovering ones level of EI means knowing whether and how much tobe self-reliant in emotional areas, and when to seek others help inreading the emotional information others are giving. Whether one ishigh or low in emotional intelligence, is perhaps not as important asknowing that emotional information exists and that some people canunderstand it. Knowing just that, one can use emotional information,by finding those who are able to understand it and reason with it.• John D Mayer, Emotional Intelligence Index
  19. 19. Positive emotions generate positive interactionsThe “Broaden-and-Build Theory of Positive Emotions” maintains thatunlike negative emotions, which narrow people’s attention andcognitions, positive emotions broaden attention and thinking. Overtime, the expansive mindsets triggered by positive emotions helppeople to discover and build a variety of personal resources—psychological, cognitive, social and physical—which ultimatelycontribute to well-being. The broaden effect of positive emotions hasnow been supported experimentally across multiple laboratories.”“The theory states that positive emotions widen people’s outlooks inways that, little by little, reshape who they are.”Fredrickson, B. L. (2001), “The role of positive emotions in positive psychology: The broaden-and-build theory ofpositive emotions,” The American Psychologist, 2001 Mar;56(3)
  20. 20. “The capacity to experience positive emotions may be a fundamental human strength central to the study of human flourishing.” Joy, interest, contentment, and love have the effectof “building” an individuals physical, intellectual,and social resources. Empirical evidence supportsthis broaden-and-build model of positive emotions,and the implications for emotion regulation andpromotion of health and well-being throughexpanding physical, intellectual and social resources“What Good Are Positive Emotions?” Review of General Psychology 1998 Sept, 2 (3)
  21. 21. Serious fun: the conditions that foster creativity within groups and teamsIn tasks that require creativity, or new insights, or new learning, we do betterwhen we are not being evaluated—when we are just playing, not stressed,not afraid of failure. In physically demanding tasks, like lifting heavy weights,and in tedious tasks, like counting beans, we do better when we are beingevaluated than when we are not. You can’t be more creative just by trying harder. To be creative, you have toback off of yourself in a way that permits the full engagement of certainunconscious mental processes—processes that generate unusual associationsand new ideas. Those unconscious processes work best when you are playing,not when you are striving for praise or some other reward.Amabile, T. (1996). Creativity in context: update to the social psychology of creativity, Boulder, Colo.:Westview Press. Also, Hennessey, B., & Amabile, T. (2010). Creativity. Annual Review of Psychology, 61,569-598.
  22. 22. Creativity activates the brain chemistry of reward and achievement“We feel rewarded when we create new objects oractions, and since creativity is based on thedecisions made by the creator, the reward systemkicks in when we are in control and inventing thingsthat we have thought of ourselves.”•James Zull, “Arts, Neuroscience and Learning,” New Horizons for Learning (March 2005):para. 10. 20 Nov. 2005
  23. 23. Create agreements about how to express critical comments.Evaluation, when it is notasked for, and when it hasconsequences as it does inschool, is a threat. It narrowsthe mind and inhibits theprocesses of “building up.” Itinhibits new learning, newinsights, and creativethought—the very processesthat some people think schoolis supposed to promote.”“Unsolicited Evaluation Is The Enemy of Creativity”Creativity
  24. 24. Trust is key for judgment, evaluation,and criticism to promote collaborationIn order for there to be relevant creative ideas generated incollaborative efforts, there needs to be strong trust andopenness among team members. Trust because people arenot likely to share alternative points of view or different ideasthat others could build on if there is fear of being shot down.Fear is creativity killer number 1. Fear makes us hold back,hesitate, and shuts down the creative problem solving parts ofour brains. Doing actions that foster trust within a team canmitigate fears and set the stage for new thinking.Ben Weinlick, “How to Avoid the Wet Blanket Phenomena In Creative Collaborations” Oct. 20, 2012
  25. 25. Before delivering criticism or expressing disagreement, do a self-checkInept criticism is cited as the greatest reason forconflict on the job – over mistrust, personalityconflicts, or disputes over power or pay.If the recipient becomes defensive – makes excuses,evades responsibility or stonewalls discussion ofpossible solutions to the problems – our delivery ofthe message may have played a role.
  26. 26. Reflective Openness Can Transform A Tense EncounterReflective openness leads to looking inward, allowing ourconversations to make us more aware of the biases andlimitations in our thinking, and how our thinking andactions contribute to problems” p. 261“Rather than saying nothing or telling the other personwhy you think he or she is wrong, you can simply say,That is not the way I see it. My view is, . . . Here is whathas led me to see things this way. What has led you to seethings differently?” p. 33Peter Senge, The Fifth Discipline Random House (2006)
  27. 27. Listening is the first rule for transforming relationships• Accept what is• Accept people as they are• Take in what is being expressed and build on it
  28. 28. Catch people doing something rightAcknowledge a person’s effort for a task; bespecific in your praise. Rather than say “you’redoing great” say “what you’re doing is greatbecause you take such consistent action”“12 Most Timeless Principles for Bringing Out the Best in People”
  29. 29. Transform relationships by:• Encouraging others to share their perceptions, thoughts and feelings;• Being receptive to others’ narratives as valid and openness about our own;• Being conscious about how evaluative, judgmental or critical feedback is delivered;• Listening rather than assume what others’ motivations are;• Bringing our best game to each interaction and taking responsibility for what we inject into the dynamic;• Recognizing and seeking to understand the roots of strong emotional reactions
  30. 30. “Neurons that fire together, wire together” Dr. Dan Siegel• This training includes experiential exercises that demonstrate these principles and provide an immediately useful repertoire of techniques for applying them in daily life at home and work. To discuss a training for your staff, group or conference contact Jude Treder-Wolff at 631-366-4265 or