www.lifestage.org       Conflict resolution is a core skill     associated with emotional intelligence     and success in ...
Objectives1. Identify the benefits of healthy conflict to creating effectivepartnerships, teams and organizations.2. Under...
Great human stories turn on conflict between  characters or conflict between the central       character and powerful forc...
Conflict Is:                                   Inevitable                                    Important                    ...
“Clashes between    parties are the    crucibles in which    creative solutions    are developed{   and wise trade-    off...
The skills for working through       conflict are crucial to personal and              professional success               ...
Healthy conflict can increase trust,   enhance mutual understandingand reveal hidden obstacles to growth
Addressing conflict has the potential to reveal hidden agendas, underlying tensions or personalhurts– a process so emotion...
When tensions build and conflict emerges in highly-charged or cool-to-the-point-of-freezing,encounters may not go well - r...
The effects of conversations gone bad  can be both devastating and far-  reaching. Research shows that  strong relationshi...
Conflict can trigger emotionalreactions that interfere with cognitiveprocesses and reasoned judgments
Emotional      Intelligence:      it’s not (only) what      you think.It’s how you thinkabout what you feel
“a multifactorial array of    interrelated emotional,    personal and social abilities    that influence our overall    ab...
The ability to        Emotional Intelligence is involvedrecognize the         in the capacity to perceivemeanings of      ...
“Between stimulus and responseis a pause. And in that pause liesour freedom.” Viktor Frankl
InterpersonalSkills                                                     Emotional self-regulationAssociatedWith           ...
Working with what seem to be minorissues creates ground rules for how to talk   about bigger ones. What appear to be small...
“We often tell ourselves a story about others’ real intent. These stories determine our emotional                   respon...
“Reality is that which, when you stopbelieving in it, doesn’t go away.”                                         Phillip K....
Emotionally Intelligent conflictcan promote the conditions for       creative growth    When you plant lettuce, if it does...
Everyone involved in a conflict has anarrative about it. Getting each person’snarrative out in the open is necessary tofin...
    Emotionally intelligent conflict: Works to understand others’ perceptions;Involves showing that we understand others...
.The key to real change lies in getting people to hold oneanother accountable to agreements. This is best achievedthrough ...
Emotional Self-Regulation is the skill      that empowers us to  confront the “right” problem   “Master communicators     ...
Be fully presentGive mindful attentionto what the otherperson is saying;Take in what the otherperson wants;               ...
1. Share your facts: “I read this email about our meeting.” 2. Tell your story: “I thought we had reached a consensus at t...
To Benefit From Criticism:                       Approach It Like A Scientist   Dont respond immediately. Our first react...
Even the most masterful initiation of dialogue can trigger anarray of defensive ploys: “lying, threatening, stonewalling,c...
Conflict may bring out “game-changing”    information about relationships, teams and                 organizations.      S...
Conflict can change everything.    If we do it right, it can change us        and add meaning to life.“The meeting of twop...
References and Resources   Bar-On, RBar-On, R., & Parker, J.D.A. (2000). The handbook of emotional    intelligence. San F...
Patterson, K., Greeny, J., McMillan, R., Switzler, A Crucial    Conversations: Tools For Talking When The Stakes are High,...
To schedule a consultation to discuss onsite training for your                  staff or group contact           Jude Tred...
Upcoming SlideShare
Loading in …5
×

Creative thinking about interpersonal conflict and how to grow through it

1,651 views

Published on

Emotional intelligence, interpersonal skills and creative thinking when under stress and pressure can make conflict a transformative experience.

0 Comments
0 Likes
Statistics
Notes
  • Be the first to comment

  • Be the first to like this

No Downloads
Views
Total views
1,651
On SlideShare
0
From Embeds
0
Number of Embeds
16
Actions
Shares
0
Downloads
57
Comments
0
Likes
0
Embeds 0
No embeds

No notes for slide

Creative thinking about interpersonal conflict and how to grow through it

  1. 1. www.lifestage.org Conflict resolution is a core skill associated with emotional intelligence and success in the networked world Creative Thinking AboutInterpersonal Conflict –and how to grow through it
  2. 2. Objectives1. Identify the benefits of healthy conflict to creating effectivepartnerships, teams and organizations.2. Understand the relationship between the capacity to engage in andresolve conflict and emotional intelligence3. Identify the mind and skill set associated with emotional intelligencethat enhances the capacity to use conflict to grow personally andcreatively.
  3. 3. Great human stories turn on conflict between characters or conflict between the central character and powerful forces The questions that drive conflict:What do I want?What (or who) are the obstacles to getting what I want?What actions have I taken to overcome these obstacles?How do I engage with these obstacles?What story am I telling about these obstacles?How has engaging with these obstacles changed me?What thinking, beliefs, or conventions are challenged by thisconflict?
  4. 4. Conflict Is: Inevitable Important IlluminatingWant Collaboration? Accept – And Actively Manage – Conflict” Harvard Business Review March 2005 Healthy conflict advances collaboration
  5. 5. “Clashes between parties are the crucibles in which creative solutions are developed{ and wise trade- offs among competing objectives are made.” Want Collaboration? Accept – And Actively Manage – Conflict” Harvard Business Review March 2005
  6. 6. The skills for working through conflict are crucial to personal and professional success and can be learned. “The root cause of many-if not most-human problems lies in how people behave when others disagree with them about high-stakes, emotional issues. Research shows dramatic improvements in organizational performance when people learned the skills routinely practiced by those who have found a way to master these high-stakes, ‘crucial’ moments.” Patterson, K., Greeny, J., McMillan, R., Switzler, A Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When The Stakes are High, 2nd edition, McGraw-Hill Books, 2012
  7. 7. Healthy conflict can increase trust, enhance mutual understandingand reveal hidden obstacles to growth
  8. 8. Addressing conflict has the potential to reveal hidden agendas, underlying tensions or personalhurts– a process so emotionally-loaded it can seem better to not do it at all.
  9. 9. When tensions build and conflict emerges in highly-charged or cool-to-the-point-of-freezing,encounters may not go well - reinforcing the idea that problems cannot be worked out.
  10. 10. The effects of conversations gone bad can be both devastating and far- reaching. Research shows that strong relationships, careers, organizations and communities all draw from the same source of power- the ability to talk openly about high- stakes, emotional, controversial topics.Patterson, K., Greeny, J., McMillan, R., Switzler, A Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking It is what you say. When The Stakes are High, 2nd edition, McGraw-Hill Books, 2012And how you say it.
  11. 11. Conflict can trigger emotionalreactions that interfere with cognitiveprocesses and reasoned judgments
  12. 12. Emotional Intelligence: it’s not (only) what you think.It’s how you thinkabout what you feel
  13. 13. “a multifactorial array of interrelated emotional, personal and social abilities that influence our overall ability to actively and effectively cope with demands and pressures.” Bar-On, R., & Parker, J.D.A. (2000). The handbook of emotional intelligence. San Francisco: Josey intelligence. Bass.Emotional Intelligence (EI)
  14. 14. The ability to Emotional Intelligence is involvedrecognize the in the capacity to perceivemeanings of emotion, assimilate emotion-emotions andproblem-solve on related feelings, understand thethe basis of them. information of those emotions and manage them.” Mayer, J.D., Salovey, P., & Caruso, D. (2000). Models of emotional intelligence. In R.J. Steinberg (Ed.), Handbook of intelligence. Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press.Consciously choosing to slow down emotionalreactions and focus internally allows thecreative mind to engage with the conflict.
  15. 15. “Between stimulus and responseis a pause. And in that pause liesour freedom.” Viktor Frankl
  16. 16. InterpersonalSkills Emotional self-regulationAssociatedWith Listening to and empathizingEmotional with othersIntelligence andCreative { Self-MotivationConflict Adapting to or initiatingResolution changeMayer, D.J. and Salovey, P. “What is EmotionalIntelligence?” In P. Salovey and A. Shiyter (Eds),Emotional Development and Emotional Intelligence: Effective CommunicationImplication for Educators, 3-31 Basic Books, New Educators,York 1997.
  17. 17. Working with what seem to be minorissues creates ground rules for how to talk about bigger ones. What appear to be small problems in the present context can do large-scale damage when pressures intensify. “When it comes to truth and justice there is no difference between the small and great problems. Whosoever fails to take small matters seriously in a spirit of truth cannot be trusted in greater affairs.” Albert Einstein, notes from an address about the conflict between Israel and Egypt, written shortly before his death, from Brian, Denis The Unexpected Einstein, John Wiley & Sons, 2005: 156
  18. 18. “We often tell ourselves a story about others’ real intent. These stories determine our emotional response.” The Cost of Conflict Avoidance” VitalSmarts Research , www.vitalsmarts.com
  19. 19. “Reality is that which, when you stopbelieving in it, doesn’t go away.” Phillip K. Dick “Conflict is the reality of other human beings, each with his psychological field, his own perceptions, his individual interests. If our misperception of others leads to conflict, the result will be either corrected perceptions or the striking of a balance enabling both parties to accommodate to the viewpoints that produced the conflict.” R.J. Rummel “Misperception, Cognitive Dissonance, Righteousness & Conflict” Conflict In Perspective: Conflict” Volume 3 Chapter 4
  20. 20. Emotionally Intelligent conflictcan promote the conditions for creative growth When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you dont blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument.” Ven Thich Nhat Hanh
  21. 21. Everyone involved in a conflict has anarrative about it. Getting each person’snarrative out in the open is necessary tofinding a way out of the impasse. There are three ways of dealing with difference:domination, compromise, and integration. Bydomination only one side gets what it wants; bycompromise neither side gets what it wants; byintegration we find a way by which both sidesmay get what they wish. Mary Parker Follett.
  22. 22.  Emotionally intelligent conflict: Works to understand others’ perceptions;Involves showing that we understand others’ perceptions;Requires awareness of our own emotional reactions and triggers;Requires self-regulation of emotions;Occurs through respectful communication that deals with behaviorand is based on mutually-beneficial agreements;Reveals underlying tensions that block creative action;
  23. 23. .The key to real change lies in getting people to hold oneanother accountable to agreements. This is best achievedthrough dialogue in which we express our stories about what happened, listen to others’ stories and allow the interactions to take the story in a new direction
  24. 24. Emotional Self-Regulation is the skill that empowers us to confront the “right” problem “Master communicators “Before speaking up, stop manage their emotions by and ask yourself, “What do I examining, questioning, and really want here? What rewriting their story before problem do I want to speaking.” resolve?” “The Cost of Conflict Avoidance” VitalSmarts Research , www.vitalsmarts.com
  25. 25. Be fully presentGive mindful attentionto what the otherperson is saying;Take in what the otherperson wants; {Take in what the otherperson believes about “Show you care about the otheryou; person and his or her interests to disarm defensiveness and open upTry to understand why dialogue.”the other person The Cost of Conflict Avoidance” VitalSmarts Research , www.vitalsmarts.com believes what they do;
  26. 26. 1. Share your facts: “I read this email about our meeting.” 2. Tell your story: “I thought we had reached a consensus at the meetingbut this email seems like an attempt to bypass what we decided.” 3. Ask for others’ paths: “Help me understand what your intention is forwriting this. What do you want to accomplish with this?”4. Talk tentatively: “In my opinion…” or “I’m wondering if….5. Encourage testing: ““I want to hear your views no matter how muchthey may differ from mine. Maybe I’m missing something and I want usto be able to talk about anything regarding our work together.Patterson, K., Greeny, J., McMillan, R., Switzler, A Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When The Stakes are High, 2nd edition,McGraw-Hill Books, 2012: 136 Skills for Emotionally Intelligent Dialogue
  27. 27. To Benefit From Criticism: Approach It Like A Scientist Dont respond immediately. Our first reaction will tend to be defensive and dismissive of the criticism. Consider the criticism in a cool moment later. But in order to do this it helps to: Spend time on a regular basis asking ourselves “how I can improve in my relationships?” What do I need to know about myself in order to grow?” If this is an established habit, if we consistently engage in honest dialogue with ourselves, it is more likely we will be able to discern the difference between an attack, a projection, and a valid criticism from which we can learn. Consider: what if what s/he said is true? Ask this question as a hypothetical and begin to explore the implications. “How To Manage Criticism” Alex Lickerman, MD www.creativitypost.com/psychology/how_to_manage_criticism
  28. 28. Even the most masterful initiation of dialogue can trigger anarray of defensive ploys: “lying, threatening, stonewalling,crying, sarcasm, shouting, silence, accusing, taking offense,passive-aggression. The best approach is to move to themiddle: disarm the ploy by addressing it. For instance, if yourcounterpart has stopped responding to you, you can simplysay, "I dont know how to interpret your silence.“ Green, Sarah, “DifficultConversations: 9 Common Mistakes,” Harvard Business Review, www.hbr.org
  29. 29. Conflict may bring out “game-changing” information about relationships, teams and organizations. Seek common ground- if no common ground is possible, the relationship may have to change; Set clear boundaries and express expectations that can be a “set point” for future dialogue about the conflict; State the desired outcome in terms of behavior, e.g. “What I want is for us to talk in person before involving others outside our team.” If dialogue breaks down clearly state the consequences. Be sure that the consequences are actionable.From: www.wittcom.com
  30. 30. Conflict can change everything. If we do it right, it can change us and add meaning to life.“The meeting of twopersonalities is like thecontact of two chemicalsubstances;If there is any reaction, bothare transformed.”Carl Jung
  31. 31. References and Resources Bar-On, RBar-On, R., & Parker, J.D.A. (2000). The handbook of emotional intelligence. San Francisco: Josey Bass. ., Chade-Meng Tan, “How Emotional Intelligence Can Help Resolve Conflicts and Build Tough, Kind Leaders” http://knowledge.wharton.upenn.edu/articlepdf/2991.pdf?CFID=226357812&CFTO (Chade-Meng Tan is author of Search Inside Yourself: The Unexpected Path To Achieving Success, Happiness and and World Peace, Brian, Denis The Unexpected Einstein, John Wiley & Sons, 2005: 156 Green, Sarah, “Difficult Conversations: 9 Common Mistakes,” Harvard Business Review, www.hbr.org Lickerman, Alex, MD “How To Manage Criticism” www.creativitypost.com/psychology/how_to_man Mayer, J.D., Salovey, P & Caruso, D. R. (2004) Emotional Intelligence. Theory, findings, and implications. Psychological Inquiry, 15, 197-215.
  32. 32. Patterson, K., Greeny, J., McMillan, R., Switzler, A Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When The Stakes are High, 2nd edition, McGraw-Hill Books, 2012 R.J. Rummel “Misperception, Cognitive Dissonance, Righteousness & Conflict” Conflict In Perspective: Volume 3 Chapter 4 The Cost of Conflict Avoidance” VitalSmarts Research , www.vitalsmarts.com Want Collaboration? Accept – And Actively Manage – Conflict” Harvard Business Review March 2005References & Resources
  33. 33. To schedule a consultation to discuss onsite training for your staff or group contact Jude Treder-Wolff, LCSW, RMT, CGP at 631-366-4265.For more information about our programs, resources and articles check out website and blog: www.livesinprogressnewsletter.blogspot.com www.lifestage.org

×