Language Network RevisingSentences
Revising SentencesPadded and Empty Sentences Refining Padded Sentences Improving Empty Sentences Practice and Apply
Refining Padded Sentences         A padded sentence has         more words than are         needed to communicate         ...
Refining Padded SentencesSometimes padded sentences havelong phrases that can be replacedwith shorter ones.   At other tim...
Refining Padded Sentences                                           PADDED SENTENCESSTUDENT MODELDRAFTI was upset because ...
Refining Padded Sentences                                          PADDED SENTENCESSTUDENT MODEL                   STUDENT...
Refining Padded SentencesHere’s How Refining Padded Sentences• Think about what you really want to say.• Look for words an...
Improving Empty SentencesSome sentences say nothing or repeat anidea that has already been stated.   I like bike riding be...
Improving Empty SentencesOther sentences make statements that arenot supported by facts.     They are my favorite bikes be...
Improving Empty SentencesHere’s How Filling Empty Sentences• Eliminate words and phrases that needlessly  repeat an idea.•...
Practice and ApplyAdd a reason or fact to the followingsentence.   1. Train travel is better than car travel.
Practice and ApplyEliminate unnecessary words fromthe following sentences.   2. The dining car, where most of the      pas...
Revising SentencesStringy and Overloaded Sentences    Fixing Stringy Sentences    Fixing Overloaded Sentences    Practice ...
Fixing Stringy SentencesBoth stringy and overloaded sentencesconfuse the reader by forcing too manyideas into one sentence...
Fixing Stringy Sentences  A stringy sentence contains  too many ideas loosely  connected by the word and.  Stringy sentenc...
Fixing Stringy SentencesTo fix stringy sentences, make eachcomplete thought a separate sentence.Write the sentences in a l...
Fixing Stringy SentencesYou can use conjunctions such assince, while, when, until, after that,and because to show the rela...
Fixing Stringy Sentences                            STRINGY SENTENCESTUDENT MODELDRAFTMy class visited Washington, D.C., a...
Fixing Stringy Sentences                                            STRINGY SENTENCES STUDENT MODEL                      S...
Fixing Overloaded SentencesAn overloaded sentence contains toomuch information about a single topic.                      ...
Fixing Overloaded Sentences                         OVERLOADED SENTENCESTUDENT MODELDRAFTEven though most people think tha...
Fixing Overloaded Sentences STUDENT MODEL                   STUDENT MODELDRAFT                          REVISIONEven thoug...
Fixing Overloaded SentencesHere’s How   Revising Stringy and Overloaded Sentences • Break down your sentences into separat...
Practice and ApplyRewrite this stringy sentence.   3. My grandmother’s dog is very helpful      and he will carry the news...
Revising SentencesVarying Sentence Structure Rearranging Phrases Varying Sentence Types Practice and Apply
Rearranging PhrasesTry rearranging the phrases in yoursentence for more impact.   Words that give the most   important inf...
Rearranging PhrasesMinerva opened her front door, and fifteenof her friends spilled out, wishing her ahappy birthday.
Rearranging PhrasesFifteen of Minerva’s friends spilled out herfront door as she opened it, wishing her ahappy birthday.
Rearranging PhrasesWishing her a happy birthday, fifteen ofof Minerva’s friends spilled out her frontdoor as she opened it.
Rearranging PhrasesThere are no precise rules about the“most important” words in a sentence.           You can put interes...
Varying Sentence TypeYou can make your writing livelier byincluding questions, exclamations,and commands.
Varying Sentence Type                                          VARYING SENTENCE TYPES PROFESSIONAL MODELWhat can kids do a...
Varying Sentence TypeDon’t overuse exclamations. Too manycan make your writing seem breathlessor overexcited.
Practice and ApplyRewrite the following sentence twoways by rearranging its phrases.   4. The librarian heard a snicker in...
Practice and Apply        Add some variety to the letter below.        Rewrite at least three sentences as        question...
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Problem Sentences

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Problem Sentences

  1. 1. Language Network RevisingSentences
  2. 2. Revising SentencesPadded and Empty Sentences Refining Padded Sentences Improving Empty Sentences Practice and Apply
  3. 3. Refining Padded Sentences A padded sentence has more words than are needed to communicate an idea.
  4. 4. Refining Padded SentencesSometimes padded sentences havelong phrases that can be replacedwith shorter ones. At other times, padded sentences bore your reader by needlessly repeating an idea.
  5. 5. Refining Padded Sentences PADDED SENTENCESSTUDENT MODELDRAFTI was upset because of the fact that my Repeats an idea Repeats an ideafriend wouldn’t ride the roller coasterswith me. The reason is he is of the Long phrase Long phraseopinion that roller coasters look likethey could be full of danger.
  6. 6. Refining Padded Sentences PADDED SENTENCESSTUDENT MODEL STUDENT MODELDRAFT REVISIONI was upset because of I was upset becausethe fact that my friend my friend wouldn’t ridewouldn’t ride the roller the roller coasters withcoasters with me. The me. He thinks theyreason is he is of the look dangerous.opinion that rollercoasters look like theycould be full of danger.
  7. 7. Refining Padded SentencesHere’s How Refining Padded Sentences• Think about what you really want to say.• Look for words and phrases that could be deleted and never missed.• Look for places where one or two words could replace many words.
  8. 8. Improving Empty SentencesSome sentences say nothing or repeat anidea that has already been stated. I like bike riding because it is fun and enjoyable. IDEA IS REPEATED
  9. 9. Improving Empty SentencesOther sentences make statements that arenot supported by facts. They are my favorite bikes because they are the best ones. NOT A FACT
  10. 10. Improving Empty SentencesHere’s How Filling Empty Sentences• Eliminate words and phrases that needlessly repeat an idea.• Don’t leave your reader asking, “Why?” Add reasons, examples, and facts to support your opinions.
  11. 11. Practice and ApplyAdd a reason or fact to the followingsentence. 1. Train travel is better than car travel.
  12. 12. Practice and ApplyEliminate unnecessary words fromthe following sentences. 2. The dining car, where most of the passengers eat, offers many different meals and a variety of food.
  13. 13. Revising SentencesStringy and Overloaded Sentences Fixing Stringy Sentences Fixing Overloaded Sentences Practice and Apply
  14. 14. Fixing Stringy SentencesBoth stringy and overloaded sentencesconfuse the reader by forcing too manyideas into one sentence. Often, the reader can’t tell how the ideas in the sentence are related.
  15. 15. Fixing Stringy Sentences A stringy sentence contains too many ideas loosely connected by the word and. Stringy sentences seem to go on and on.
  16. 16. Fixing Stringy SentencesTo fix stringy sentences, make eachcomplete thought a separate sentence.Write the sentences in a logical order.
  17. 17. Fixing Stringy SentencesYou can use conjunctions such assince, while, when, until, after that,and because to show the relationshipbetween ideas.
  18. 18. Fixing Stringy Sentences STRINGY SENTENCESTUDENT MODELDRAFTMy class visited Washington, D.C., and wewent to the National Air and Space Museum,and we saw the Wright 1903 Flyer, whichwas the first successful airplane, and wesaw Viking 1, the first spacecraft to operateon the surface of Mars. . .
  19. 19. Fixing Stringy Sentences STRINGY SENTENCES STUDENT MODEL STUDENT MODELDRAFT REVISIONMy class visited Washington, When my class visitedD.C., and we went to the Washington, D.C., weNational Air and Space went to the National AirMuseum, and we saw the and Space Museum. First,Wright 1903 Flyer, which we saw the Wright 1903was the first successful Flyer, which was the firstairplane, and we saw Viking successful airplane. After1, the first spacecraft that, we saw Viking 1, theto operate on the surface first spacecraft to operateof Mars. . . on the surface of Mars. . .
  20. 20. Fixing Overloaded SentencesAn overloaded sentence contains toomuch information about a single topic. You may know what you need to say, but your reader won’t understand you.
  21. 21. Fixing Overloaded Sentences OVERLOADED SENTENCESTUDENT MODELDRAFTEven though most people think thatpterodactyls, flying reptiles that lived Too many Too manymore than 65 million years ago in details detailsEurope and East Africa, were hugeanimals, not all of them were, andsome of them were about the samesize as a sparrow.
  22. 22. Fixing Overloaded Sentences STUDENT MODEL STUDENT MODELDRAFT REVISIONEven though most people Pterodactyls were flyingthink that pterodactyls, reptiles that lived moreflying reptiles that lived than 65 million years agomore than 65 million in Europe and East Africa.years ago in Europe and Most people think thatEast Africa, were huge pterodactyls were hugeanimals, not all of them animals, but not all of themwere, and some of them were. Some pterodactylswere about the same size were about the same sizeas a sparrow. as a sparrow.
  23. 23. Fixing Overloaded SentencesHere’s How Revising Stringy and Overloaded Sentences • Break down your sentences into separate ideas. • Combine related ideas, using conjunctions such as and, but, or, so, then, and when. • Rewrite your sentences as two or more sentences, making sure that you have not packed too many ideas into any one sentence.
  24. 24. Practice and ApplyRewrite this stringy sentence. 3. My grandmother’s dog is very helpful and he will carry the newspaper from her to my grandfather if she tells him to but sometimes he wants to play instead.
  25. 25. Revising SentencesVarying Sentence Structure Rearranging Phrases Varying Sentence Types Practice and Apply
  26. 26. Rearranging PhrasesTry rearranging the phrases in yoursentence for more impact. Words that give the most important information often have the greatest effect at the start or end of a sentence.
  27. 27. Rearranging PhrasesMinerva opened her front door, and fifteenof her friends spilled out, wishing her ahappy birthday.
  28. 28. Rearranging PhrasesFifteen of Minerva’s friends spilled out herfront door as she opened it, wishing her ahappy birthday.
  29. 29. Rearranging PhrasesWishing her a happy birthday, fifteen ofof Minerva’s friends spilled out her frontdoor as she opened it.
  30. 30. Rearranging PhrasesThere are no precise rules about the“most important” words in a sentence. You can put interesting details up front to grab your reader’s attention or at the end to go out with a bang.
  31. 31. Varying Sentence TypeYou can make your writing livelier byincluding questions, exclamations,and commands.
  32. 32. Varying Sentence Type VARYING SENTENCE TYPES PROFESSIONAL MODELWhat can kids do about pollution in their neighborhoods?Students at Bellamy Middle School in Chicopee, Question QuestionMassachusetts, found out. Chicopee had a problemstoring sludge from factories and sewers. In winter thesludge froze before it could be taken to landfills. SomeBellamy students toured the sludge plant to see the Exclamation Exclamationproblem for themselves—and smell it, too! The townused the students’ idea of building a greenhouse. . . .Look around your community for environmental Command Commandproblems you can help solve.
  33. 33. Varying Sentence TypeDon’t overuse exclamations. Too manycan make your writing seem breathlessor overexcited.
  34. 34. Practice and ApplyRewrite the following sentence twoways by rearranging its phrases. 4. The librarian heard a snicker in the middle aisle near the books by Mark Twain.
  35. 35. Practice and Apply Add some variety to the letter below. Rewrite at least three sentences as questions, exclamations, or commands.5. You may be interested in time travel or in life on other planets. If you read science fiction, you can explore these ideas. Science fiction writers often combine scientific information and imaginary characters to create a story. If science fiction appeals to you, it’s a good idea to try a story by Isaac Asimov, Anne McCaffrey, or another science fiction writer.

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