PGIS3 Supporting Your Girls in Adolescence


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Learn what research has to say about adolescent development: brain, social, psychological, emotional, moral, racial and ethnic, etc.

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  • Target Audience: All Families
  • Keep in Mind - material speaks in generalities and norms. Girls, their social development, etc. can fall outside of the information given, and they are completely normal. Making blanket assumptions are dangerous, and norms do not define normal or good. Gender norms can easily become Sexism. Adolescent norms can easily become adultism.
  • Mary Pipher Period of overgeneralization. Overgeneralization. One affront = I have no friends. One good grade = academic diva. Uncle says I would make a good nurse = I should become a nurse. One friend gets a ride to school = everyone gets a ride to school. A quirky habit of a parent = everyone thinks you’re a dork. A few household chores = I do all the work around here. Girls deal with painful thoughts, discrepant information, and cognitive confusion in ways that are true or false to the self. The temptation is to shut down, to oversimplify, and to avoid the hard work of examining and integrating experiences. Girls who operate from a false sense of self often reduce the world to a more manageable place by distorting reality. Cults = someone does thinking for you. Anorexia = everything comes down to weight.
  • Mary Pipher Period of overgeneralization. Overgeneralization. One affront = I have no friends. One good grade = academic diva. Uncle says I would make a good nurse = I should become a nurse. One friend gets a ride to school = everyone gets a ride to school. A quirky habit of a parent = everyone thinks you’re a dork. A few household chores = I do all the work around here. Girls deal with painful thoughts, discrepant information, and cognitive confusion in ways that are true or false to the self. The temptation is to shut down, to oversimplify, and to avoid the hard work of examining and integrating experiences. Girls who operate from a false sense of self often reduce the world to a more manageable place by distorting reality. Cults = someone does thinking for you. Anorexia = everything comes down to weight.
  • Mary Pipher - Academic, Physical, Emotional, Thinking, Social, Spiritual Selves all in flux and all developing at different paces! Joanne Deak - Peers become really important. Starting to pull away from parent(s). Seeking personal power. Wide range of behaviors fit under the “normal for this age” category.
  • Chart - Erikcson on front, Bingham-Styker on back Oulette’s 3 Cs of Hardiness
  • Transitory Years - Baskin Robbins: taste every flavor in order to discover which ones you like and which ones you don’t like. Friendship Clusters - likes flavors with nuts in them - pistachio, maple walnut, butter pecan, almond mocha. Not that she doesn’t like other flavors or doesn’t appreciate differences - she just likes these better. Different than cliques - these are more accepting and more fluid. This cluster doesn’t freak if bubble gum ice cream approaches them in the mall. Beginnings of real friendships and relationships. Best Friends - butter pecan is far away the best. Some come close, but nothing compares. 24/7 - spend all day at school together, come home and call friend right away. Practice time for choosing a mate or partner later in life. Learns to act in an intimate relationship. Generalists never need this intimacy. They are wired to appreciate all flavors and keep social nets wide open. Cliques - Girls replace the stability offered by the anchor of adults with cliques. Surrounding oneself with others that look alike, talk alike, and act alike makes the world feel safer and allows this movement away from the influence of significant adults more comfortable. The more impermeable and wielding of power the clique is, the more insecure the members are. The clique cocoon helps stabilize its occupants until they are strong enough and independent enough to stand outside of the group, or somewhat alone. The task of adults in the sphere of influence of cliques is, first, to accept its important function, and second, to draw the line when a clique’s influence moves from the unpleasant to downright unhealthy. **** girls produce the most testasterone in middle school years (hormone of aggression and risk taking) Interest-Based Friendship Groups - based on shared interests, passions, or philosophies. Friends are now boys and girls. Nonexclusive: some interest cross-over. Benefits of clusters and cliques without the downside: acceptance, activity, and social creativity, without insecurity, narrowness, and meanness.
  • Chart - Racialized and Ethnic Identity Development for People of Color (front) Pre-Encounter, Encounter, Immersion/Emersion, Internalization Racialized and Ethnic Identity Development for Whites (back) Pre-Contact & Contact, Disintegration, Reintegration, Pseudo-Independent, Immersion/Emersion, Autonomy Chart - Phinney’s Model of Ethnic Identity Formation Unexamined Ethnic Idenity, Ethnic Identity Search/Moratorium, Ethnic Identity Achievement Chart - D’Augelli’s Model of LGBQ Identity Development Exiting Heterosexual Identity Developing a Personal LGBQ Status Developing a Social LGBQ Identity Becoming an LGBQ Offspring Developing a LGBQ Intimacy Status Entering an LGBQ Community Handout - Ecological Framework for Understanding Multiracial Identity Development
  • Girls do not lie less than boys. Older kids lie more than younger kids. Introverts lie less than extroverts. (Teachers score 60%, Parents own kids slightly better than chance). Bad act + lie. Bad act gets punished but lie does not co st extra. Children think lying is worse than adults. As they get older, they excuse lies more. Kids who can tell lies from truth better lie more. Young kids swearing = lie because both get punished. Before opportunity to lie, story of boy who cried wolf vs Washington & cherry tree, Constant threat of punishment = better lies. They go for broke because consequences are true. You won’t get into trouble. I won’t be mad at you. OK.I won’t be mad at you, and you’ll feel better about yourself. Better. I won’t be mad at you, and I will be proud and happy that you told truth. Great White lies and tattling. Lying is to be expected, but not to be disregarded. Parent entrapment, testing kids’ honesty unnecessarily Teen Rebellion. Lie = preserving relationship. When kids realize how much they lie, they are not proud. Permissive parents don’t hear more about the truth of their teens. Kids view permissive parent as not caring as much. Most lies = withhold information (independence). Going to parents (forced or voluntary) shows weakness. 14-15, slightly stronger in 11 than 18 Most consistent in enforcing rules few rules, clear, why. Other spheres did not control. Most conversation, least lies. Boredom starts in 7 th grade and goes throughout high school. Time wise study = 6 weeks, upkeep for 3 years, booster classes. Busy kids sometimes bored because 1) activities are parent’s demand, not self passion or 2) so used to time being filled by others, don’t know what to do. Results dissipated for the most part (no longevity) about 6 months on. Reward/pleasure principle children always got pleasure, regardless of size. Adults small pleasure, small reward, etc. Teens, no or lower response for smaller or medium. Large reward = super large response. Interestingly, pleasure spike suppresses prefrontal cortex. Some teens wired to take big risks. Low dopamine receptors (need more stimulus), high oxytocin (sensitivity to others’ opinion). Test of good idea, bad idea. Bad idea (biting down on light bulb, swallowing cockroach, etc.) adults have automatic emotional response. Teens weigh it in the logic part of the brain. Opinion survey results displayed anonymously to ot her teens triggered fear. Arguing = opposite of lying. Philipino teens arguing with parents. Not about parents’ authority, about rules. Moderate conflict = good social adjustment. Dual narrative of the teen. How many of them are pretending? (apathy because caring is not cool, lie because telling truth is not norm, dislike parents because liking parents is not cool) Cognitive abilities  performance Analysis  primary mode of decision-making Competence  use of that competence
  • You must be this to be accepted, but you cannot be too much so, because that is not acceptable. No one knows where the boundaries are, so girls walk very tentatively along this knife’s edge. Naomi Wolf (Promiscuities) - Common and natural sexual curiosity, infatuation, admiration, and intimacy found among adolescent girls – the building anticipation of those feelings transferring to boys. Simultaneous excitement and sadness about the loss of intimacy among girls, which is inevitable./Continuum of women’s sexuality. Beyond a certain point of sexual power and liberation, she is deserving of violence and dehumanization. She can be cast out and killed both physically and emotionally./The acceptable promiscuity of white middle class sub-urban sexuality – it happens, but it happens quietly, out of sight, and outside of mainstream public face, which is pristine, neat, and “nice.” Those who fall outside of these norms are called “sluts.” Magic, Supernatural Power - obsession with Ouija Boards, witchcraft, cults. Perhaps meaning of the universe can be found in these magical charms, spells, and spirits. Tolkien novels, Lloyd Alexander novels, Harry Potter series. These all deal with young people, common people, discovering the existence of ACTUAL power and learning to wield it wisely through trials and tribulations. Kids sense that they are living mundane lives without personal power, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are unique in the universe and have great power, if only “life” would happen. Adoptees become obsessed with learning about “real” parents. Principal - dress code - kids these age need something to resist. I’d rather give them this simple thing to resist than open up the resistence to bigger, more serious matters. A whole lot of “why”s” - why do I have to do this, why do you always, why not, etc… Joanne Deak - “I think that the only reason we teenagers rely so much on what our friends say is because we are testing what our parents taught us, to make sure it was right.” – Elizabeth, 17. Resiliency and Vibrancy - Stuck between not supporting our girls through emotional and/or social landmines and treating them so tenderly a la Nation of Wimps. Very few girls retain resiliency and vibrancy. You can tell who has retained vs regained her vibrancy.
  • • Non-Verbal Communication – breakdown of some major categories of non-verbal communication as well as some differences you will find across different cultures. • Cultural Value Differences – some differences in cultural values around categories like relational and temporal. These differences can sometimes lead to major miscommunication and conflict due to value judgment. • 7 Criteria for Values – useful in thinking about values and value systems. I personally believe that TRUE values are never bad, but we tend to judge others based on their value PRIORITIES. The 7 criteria reminds us what makes a value a value and hopefully steers us clear of believing them invalid for someone else. • Values Definition Table – several values and basic definitions. I have found this table useful in values clarification exercises and conflict resolution for the sake of verbalizing what is at the root motivation of actions and statements that lead to conflict. (The last two documents are part of something I developed for an ethics primer for middle school and high school students. If interested in more, please go to . Though the organization is biomedicine focused, the primer is very cross-curricular.) • Yin-Yang Telephone – Direct and Indirect Communication • Whispers – Distractions and Internal Monologues of Intercultural Communication • Left Column Communication – Separating the actual observable data and internal thoughts, feelings, interpretations, and inferences. Includes theory, example, and blank form. • Non-Verbal Violation – Activity designed to demonstrate the discomfort and offense caused by conflicting nonverbal cues and norms. Wonderful activity developed by a fantastic facilitator, Stella Ting-Toomey. • Communication Exercises – I developed this series of communication activities to kick off my school’s all-school anti-bias programming. They are activities designed to demonstrate one-way and two-way communication, importance of objective and careful listening, dialogue and debate (supportive and defensive forms of communication), and intercultural communication and conflict. They were developed for 6th-8th graders, but I have used these exercise with adults with minor adjustments and deeper reflection questions. • Effective Interventions – Material I used in my classroom to give students some tools around interrupting offensive remarks, jokes, and slurs. You may find it a little puerile to use with adults, or you may find it a resource accessible to anyone. No matter what, I hope you find it a useful talking point for people looking to apply oppression, privilege, and power understanding to everyday situations. • Growing As an Ally – A complementary piece I used with “Effective Interventions” to give students tools around being an ally rather than, well, the self-righteous jerks they were being with each other at times. Gives thinking and doing points for folks eager to enter the world of allyship. • Book: Kiss, Bow, or Shake Hands by Morrison and Conway. Although meant for the business traveler, this book makes a handy resource for looking up general customs and norms of several countries. Use with caution, of course, that you are using it as an FYI starting point rather than an idiot’s guide to intercultural communication.
  • PGIS3 Supporting Your Girls in Adolescence

    1. 1. Thought Bubble As you enter and settle, please think about your adolescent years. What do you remember? What were you like? What was your relationship like with your parent(s) or guardian(s)? What was school like? What were your greatest hopes or fears? Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    2. 2. Seattle Girls’ School Parent/Guardian Information Series Session Three: Supporting Your Girls in Adolescence November 9, 2010 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    3. 3. Introductions Warm-Up Questions As you think about your own adolescence, what were the most critical factors in making that time for you wonderful, terrible, forgettable, etc.? What tools would you like to get out of our session today? (Please jot down your questions on a note card) Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    4. 4. <ul><li>Meet other parents and guardians to create a village of support for every girl </li></ul><ul><li>Learn a little about adolescence </li></ul><ul><li>How do I apply this at home…? </li></ul><ul><li>Get questions answered </li></ul>Tonight’s Goals Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    5. 5. Disclaimers and Other Food for Thought Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    6. 6. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    7. 7. Adolescence “ Teenagers [are like] people constantly on LSD. People on acid are intense, changeable, internal, often cryptic and uncommunicative, and, of course, dealing with a different reality.” Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    8. 8. Changes Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    9. 9. <ul><li>What is it? </li></ul><ul><li>What are the various dimensions of identity? </li></ul><ul><li>Why identity development? </li></ul>Identity Development Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    10. 10. Developmental Psychology <ul><li>Bingham-Stryker Model of </li></ul><ul><li>Socioemotional Development for Girls </li></ul><ul><li>(Erikson’s Stages of Man) </li></ul><ul><li>4 Ego-Identity Statuses </li></ul><ul><li>Identity Diffusion </li></ul><ul><li>Identity Foreclosure </li></ul><ul><li>Moratorium </li></ul><ul><li>Identity Achieved </li></ul><ul><li>Three C’s of Hardiness </li></ul><ul><li>Control </li></ul><ul><li>Commitment </li></ul><ul><li>Challenge </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    11. 11. Social Development Joanne Deak, Girls Will Be Girls <ul><li>Self Awareness (0-2) </li></ul><ul><li>Parallel Play (2-3) </li></ul><ul><li>Interactive Play (3-6) </li></ul><ul><li>Transitory Friendships (6-8) </li></ul><ul><li>Friendship Clusters (8-10) </li></ul><ul><li>Best Friends or Generalists (10-12) </li></ul><ul><li>Cliques (12-14) </li></ul><ul><li>Interest-Based Friendship Groups (14+) </li></ul><ul><li>(Almost) Universal Acceptance (Seniors) </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    12. 12. Racial, Ethnic, LGBTQ Identity Development Models <ul><li>• All Models Have Some Value </li></ul><ul><li>• All Models Have Some Limitations </li></ul><ul><li>• Models Can Extend Beyond Cultural Identifiers Used </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    13. 13. Seeking Autonomy <ul><li>• Adolescent POV on Risk </li></ul><ul><li>• Lies </li></ul><ul><li>• Boredom </li></ul><ul><li>• Influence of Peers </li></ul><ul><li>• Adolescent Decision Making </li></ul><ul><li>• Arguing with Authority </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    14. 14. Mixing it Up My girl is: Seemingly very much in girlhood Flirting with teen behaviors Off and on tween and teen Thick in adolescence I have no idea Please gather in affinity groups. Meet, chat, clarify. How do you see your girl’s social, emotional, racial/ethnic, etc. identity manifesting itself in your interactions and her behavior? How do you support her? Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    15. 15. Break Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    16. 16. Supporting Our Girls Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    17. 17. Special Considerations Sexy --- Slutty Powerful --- Bitchy Smart --- Bookish Cheerful --- Uncool Confident --- “All That” Athletic --- Jocky Close to Friends --- Lesbian Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    18. 18. Boosting Self Esteem <ul><li>Celebrate strengths </li></ul><ul><li>Constructively criticize… with care </li></ul><ul><li>Value effort not achievement </li></ul><ul><li>Assist realistic self assessment </li></ul><ul><li>Shift the views on failure and mistakes </li></ul><ul><li>Debunk the myth of perfection </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    19. 19. Assisting the Identity Search <ul><li>Be accepting of identity plays </li></ul><ul><li>Encourage resources for identity development (affinity groups, support groups, etc.) </li></ul><ul><li>Get to know her peers </li></ul><ul><li>Ask questions </li></ul><ul><li>Tell your story </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    20. 20. Developing Emotional Intelligence <ul><li>Use emotion words </li></ul><ul><li>Coach through extreme emotions </li></ul><ul><li>Validate the emotion and guide the actions </li></ul><ul><li>Practice empathy skills </li></ul><ul><li>Provide healthy outlets </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    21. 21. Teaching the Moral Life <ul><li>Remember the rule of 7s </li></ul><ul><li>Explain the “why” </li></ul><ul><li>Be consistent </li></ul><ul><li>Be flexible </li></ul><ul><li>Be clear </li></ul><ul><li>Incorporate their input on rules and consequences </li></ul><ul><li>Adjust as they grow and develop </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    22. 22. Living Out Loud <ul><li>Talk about your day and show interest in theirs </li></ul><ul><li>• Talk positively and realistically about yourself </li></ul><ul><li>• Make mistakes out loud </li></ul><ul><li>• Tell your stories </li></ul><ul><li>• Emote out loud </li></ul><ul><li>• Reason out loud </li></ul><ul><li>• Walk your talk </li></ul><ul><li>• Listen, listen, listen </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    23. 23. Questions and Answers Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    24. 24. Coming Soon to a Parent/Guardian Program Series Near You… Math Night Alternative Aggression (Female Bullying) Sex Ed Programs Transitioning to High School Decision Making for Adolescents And More! Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    25. 25. Resources <ul><li>• Carlos H. Arce, “A Reconsideration of Chicano Culture and Identity” </li></ul><ul><li>• Atkinson, Morten, & Sue, “Racial/Cultural Identity Development Model (R/CID)” </li></ul><ul><li>• Mindy Bingham and Sandy Stryker, “Socioemotional Development for Girls” </li></ul><ul><li>• Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, Nurture Shock. </li></ul><ul><li>• Vivienne Cass, “Homosexual identity formation: Testing a theoretical model” </li></ul><ul><li>• William Cross, Shades of Black: Diversity in African American Identity” </li></ul><ul><li>• Anthony D’Augelli, “ Identity development and sexual orientation: Toward a model of lesbian, gay, and bisexual development” </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    26. 26. Resources <ul><li>• Erik Erikson, “Eight Stages of Man” </li></ul><ul><li>• J. E. Helms, Various Publications on Racial and Ethnic Identity Development </li></ul><ul><li>• Allan G. Johnson, Privilege, Power, and Difference </li></ul><ul><li>• Jean Kim, “Processes of Asian American Identity Development” </li></ul><ul><li>• James Maricia, “Four Ego and Identity Statuses” </li></ul><ul><li>• John Medina, Brain Rules for Baby </li></ul><ul><li>• Suzanne Kobasa Ouellette, “The Three C’s of Hardiness” </li></ul><ul><li>• Michael J Nakkula and Eric Toshalis, Understanding Youth. </li></ul><ul><li>• Jean S. Phinney, “Ethnic Identity in Adolescents and Adults: Review of the Research” </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    27. 27. Resources <ul><li>• Ponterotto & Pederso, Preventing Prejudice </li></ul><ul><li>• Maria P. P. Root, Various Works on Multiracial Identity </li></ul><ul><li>• Patricia Romney, Karlene Ferron, and Jennifer Hill, “Measuring the Success of Diversity Directors in Independent Schools” </li></ul><ul><li>• Pedro Ruiz, “Latino/a Identity Development Model” </li></ul><ul><li>• Chalmer E. Thompson and Robert T. Carter, Racial Identity Theory </li></ul><ul><li>• Alex Wilson, “How We Find Ourselves: Identity Development and Two Spirit People” </li></ul><ul><li>• Christine J. Yeh, “The Collectivistic Nature of Identity Development Among Asian-American College Students” </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    28. 28. Gender Specific Resources <ul><li>• American Association of University Women. (1991). Shortchanging girls, shortchanging America. Washington, DC: AAUW. </li></ul><ul><li>• Borysenko, J. (1997). A woman's book of life : The biology, psychology, and spirituality of the feminine life cycle. New York: Putnam Publishing Group. </li></ul><ul><li>• Covey, S., Merrill, A. R., & Merrill, R. (1994). First Things First: To live, to love, to learn, to leave a legacy. New York: Simon & Schuster. </li></ul><ul><li>• Dale, M. (1995). Body and self : An exploration of early female development. New York: Jason Aronson. </li></ul><ul><li>• Huitt, W. (1997). Recommended books related to the growth, development, and socialization of girls and women. Valdosta, GA: Valdosta State University. </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    29. 29. Gender Specific Resources <ul><li>JoAnn Deak, Ph.D., Girls Will Be Girls: Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters </li></ul><ul><li>Pooja Makhijani, Under Her Skin: How Girls Experience Race in America . </li></ul><ul><li>Mary Pipher, Ph.D., Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls </li></ul><ul><li>Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Out , Odd Girl Speaks Out , and Curse of the Good Girl </li></ul><ul><li>Rosalind Wiseman, Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescence </li></ul><ul><li>Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth. </li></ul><ul><li>Naomi Wolf, Promiscuities . </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    30. 30. Communication Resources <ul><li>• “ Stereotype Threat” by Joshua Aronson </li></ul><ul><li>• Brenda J. Allen, Difference Matters: Communicating Social Identity </li></ul><ul><li>• William Gudykunst, Cross-Cultural and Intercultural Comunication </li></ul><ul><li>• Milton Bennett, PhD, Intercultural Communication Institute </li></ul><ul><li>• “ Non-Verbal Communication Across Cultures” by Erica Hagen, Intercultural Communication Resources </li></ul><ul><li>• </li></ul><ul><li>• Thrive! Team Dynamics </li></ul><ul><li>• history.htm </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
    31. 31. Thank You! Have a fantastic evening! Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee