Build a time machine: 10 simple steps

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This is for anyone who wants a real basic guide to building a working time machine. Everything you could need is there.

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Build a time machine: 10 simple steps

  1. 1. By Adam Larter
  2. 2. IntroductionSo, I’ve been building time machines for quite a while now (both in the pastand present).It started off as a bit of a hobby. I find it quite relaxing.When you’ve had a long days work it’s a real pleasure to go home and build afew time machines. Like we say at Time Machine Club; Time really flies whenyou’re having fun . . . Building time machines.About the author.Adam Larter is a ‘genius’ – The Scotsman 2012.In the year 2013 he is working as a comedian inLondon, in the future he rules the earth as avicious and unforgiving dictator.Look forward to that :p
  3. 3. 1. Use a Sega DreamcastMost of the parts that are needed for a very basic time machine can be foundin a Sega Dreamcast.Many people don’t realise that the Sega Dreamcast was originally designed tobe a time machine but abandoned as a product in favour of a moreaccessible time-machine.Do make sure you remove the game before you travel though. A friend ofmine ended up trapped in Sonic Adventure 2 for 6 years!A standard Sega Dreamcast My Mark 2 Time Machine
  4. 4. 2. Drink a lot of coffee.As of 2013, I have built 46 time machines. I couldn’t be half as productive if Ididn’t have a huge amount of coffee. In an average day I’ll have 4 largeAmericanos, 6 cappuccinos and the odd Ristretto.Drinking coffee makes you feel really good and drinking too much of it makesyour brain work faster and BETTER. Imagine if your brain could be workingfaster? That’s practically time travel right there to be able to think faster thaneveryone else anyway anyway.If you have too much coffee you wont be able to sleep and that’s when I builtmost of my best time machines. Time machines time machines.
  5. 5. 3. Be patient with your time particlesA good time machine uses good time particles.Time particles can be found in lots of things: Clocks, Museums and Timemagazine. I won’t bore you with the detail but its these particles that make timetravel possible.To activate them properly you need to remove them with premium washing upliquid and soak them overnight.If you do not soak them properly you risk transporting only parts of your bodythrough time. Everyone knows the story of Mike James from Stratford-Upon-Avonwho transported his willy to 2089 because he was impatient with his timeparticles.If you are buying your time particles off the internet make sure they have beenproperly prepared – many people claim they have but, let’s be honest, probablynot.An un-soaked time particle A fully prepared particle, after 6 weeks
  6. 6. 4. Construct in large open spacesYour time machine is likely to be very large when you are finished. You’re going toneed to have a lot of room to work around it as well so remember that garages,attics and cupboards just are NOT SUITABLE.I like to construct in massive, giant venues or open public fields.The upside to a giant concert venue is the good access to electricity andknowledge of upcoming theatrical productions. The downside to constructing in agiant concert venue is the great great cost of hiring it out vs the very little incomegenerated by spending months building a time machine. If you are building a timemachine though you should stop moaning. Please stop moaning.
  7. 7. 5. Do not construct your time machine in AmericaI am not proud to admit it, but I have been kicked out of the united states 12times for ‘Constructing illegal weapons’ which they are talking about my timemachine.There are some countries which welcome your advanced technology – but Iam afraid America just is not one of these countries.It turns out that they had people spying on me for agggggess because I wasbuilding ‘suspicious devices’. Well guess what I completely prove you wrongAmerica – when I travelled to the future and took over the world America wasthe first place which I conquered and yeh, I enjoyed it. So you definitely reepwhat you sow – and you can’t sow anything now after the way that I detroyedall of your natural resources. Hahaha win!
  8. 8. 6. Don’t complainA lot of people come to me and say ‘My time machine isn’t working, I’ve spent the last26 years working on it and my wife has left me blah blah blah my life is ruined’.Well, guess what? Building a time machine isn’t easy. You know what will help youbuild your time machine a whole heap quicker? Shut up complaining and build thedamn thing!We’ve all had several wives leave us but who cares – you’re building a time machine.Whatever has gone wrong will all be cancelled out by having a time machine. I’vebeen to the future – it’s amazing and definitely worth it and some of the good bitsfrom the past are quite good too – so basically shut up. Stop moaning.
  9. 9. 7. Rewatch Along Came PollyIt’s well known that Ben Stiller is from the future(makes sense now right?) but his agents have alwaysadvised him to keep this a secret.For those in the know he peppered the smash hitfilm ACP with hundreds of references of how tobuild a time machine. If I am ever lost for inspirationor something isn’t quick clicking I rewatch andbefore you know it I’ve built another time machineAND been ruddy entertained to my bones whiledoing it – am I right??Things to look out for are the ferret who explainsthe converse parralax equation and the JenniferAnniston’s hilarious euphamism’s for the QuantumAerospasm during the boat scenes – it’s worthwatching for that alone. Sam the ferret, a tribe rulerin the year 2197
  10. 10. 8. Smash a lot of thingsThe reason why a lot of great scientists have never really cracked the secret oftime travel is they are always focused on ‘research’ and ‘logic’ but actuallytime travel is much easier. It’s all about smashing things – just get yourself abig old hammer and smash the fuck out of stuff. Not only does this releasevaluable time particles but it also decreases Quantum Plankitude andWarpanzer Pernance.With your system optimised you should be able to time travel any weekend ofyour choice. Different types of smashing are likely to produce different typesof time travel – for the most pleasant time travel experience try smashingstuff up to music. I highly recommend the works of SmashMouth –particularly their song ‘AllStar’ really speaks to me that song!
  11. 11. NEINI travel back to watch this everyday. There I am
  12. 12. 10. Once you have built your time machine, go back intime and tell yourself how you built it.The reason I am so goodat building timemachines is I alwaysremember to helpmyself in the past. Timemachines are great likethat.I didn’t even write thispresentation – I paidsomeone in the futureto do it and then send itback as a .ppt file tomyself in the past –everything is so mucheasier that way.

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