Tips for dealing with negativeaspects in others:• When you see someone go into attack modeor excess defensiveness, recognize that it isuseless to argue with them.• Realize that the person is feeling veryinsecure at that time.• Don’t continue to push them because theywill only get worse.
Tips for dealing with negativeaspects in others:• If the symptoms only seem to occur whenthe person is under stress, wait untilanother time to pursue the discussion.• If they are always overly defensive oralways attacking others, you may need tofind another person to work with who doesnot have the same problem.
Tips for dealing with negativeaspects in others:• Keep your own sense of self-confidence anddont allow yourself to be verbally abused.• If the difficult person is your boss,reconsider whether its time to find a jobelsewhere.
Tips for supervising peoplewith negative aspects:• Help the person see how much theirnegative behavior is damaging their careerpotential.• Set goals for them to learn to work betterwith others and monitor their behavioruntil it improves.• If it does not improve within a reasonabletime, send them packing.
Tips for overcoming negativeaspects in yourself:• Learn to recognize when yourdefensive mechanisms come up.• Realize that you are probably notreally being attacked.
Tips for overcoming negativeaspects in yourself:• When you catch yourself feelingdefensive, don’t react so quickly.• Learn how to listen when someone asksa question or makes a suggestion.
Tips for overcoming negativeaspects in yourself:• Ask people to re-state theirquestion/comment/suggestion.• Try to understand what others are sayingby repeating back what you think youheard.
Tips for overcoming negativeaspects in yourself:• You may want to ask for more time torespond, then get back to them.• This will give you time to work withthe question/comment/suggestionwithout the pressure of being on thespot.
Tips for overcoming negativeaspects in yourself:• DO consider that other people havegood ideas that are just as valid asyours.
Tips for overcoming negativeaspects in yourself:• Find someone who can help you work onthis negative aspect of yourself — a goodfriend, coworker, teacher or counselor.
Tips for overcoming negativeaspects in yourself:• If it is someone that you interact withregularly, ask them to let you know whenyou are being a jerk and call your attentionto what you are doing.• That will help you learn to see whatsituations and events trigger yourinsecurity.
Tips for overcoming negativeaspects in yourself:• Recognize that changing learned patterns ofinsecurity and defensiveness may take yearsof work.• Dont give up on yourself.
Tips for overcoming negativeaspects in yourself:• Learn to understand your own personalityand your unique strengths and weaknesses.• The effort to improve your ability to getalong with others will be rewarded as youfind more career opportunities open up foryou.
Difficult People• You Can Deal With Them• Difficult Personalities• How To Cope• Worth The Effort
You Can Deal With Them• Everyone is irritable or indecisive at times.But some people are so difficult that theymake others lives and work a strain.• Dealing with difficult people is easier whenyou learn to recognize some commonpersonality types.• Then you can develop coping skills fordealing with each without trying to changethem!
Difficult Personalities• There are seven behavior types with whommost people have difficulty.• Bullies.• Griper.• Silent types• Very nice people.• Just say no• I know better• Stallers.
Difficult PersonalitiesBulliesare hostile and angry, throwingtantrums to get their way.
Difficult PersonalitiesGripercomplain about things they dontlike, but rarely try to changetheir situation.
Difficult PersonalitiesSilent typesdont say much: you can beg,yell, or talk to them, but theydont say more than "yes" or"no."
Difficult PersonalitiesVery nice peopleseem to agree with you, butwont do what they say theywill.
Difficult PersonalitiesJust say notypes respond to new ideaswith "That wont work."
Difficult PersonalitiesI know bettertypes think they knoweverything. Theyrecondescending and full ofthemselves.
Difficult PersonalitiesStallersput things off until someone elsetakes over, or until the decisionis made because of the delay.
How To Cope• These behaviors are annoying andupsetting.• They keep everyone but the difficult personoff balance.
How To Cope• This can be true even though they may notbe trying to control others.• Coping balances the power between people.• It helps everyone get things done withoutstalling at the roadblocks difficult people setup.
How To Cope• When someone practices difficult behaviorsaround you, try these techniques:
How To CopeFor bullies,stand up for yourself.Use phrases like "I believe" or "Ifeel." Dont try to fight them.Instead, make your point firmly.
How To Cope• gripers• Let them know youve heardtheir concern.• Directly ask, "What is it youwant?"
How To CopeFor silent types,ask questions that must be answeredby more than "yes" or "no."If you get no response, let the silenttype know your plans.
How To CopeVery nice peoplehave a strong need to be liked; showthem that you do. `Then dig to findout whats really happening.
How To CopeDont argue with just say notypes.Instead, suggest what wont workbefore they do.
How To Cope• For I know better types, have allthe facts before you meet.• Raise possible problems, and beready to follow through.
How To CopeListen to stallers; find out whatthe real reason for the delay is.Help them,andask them for help.
Worth The Effort• You cant always avoid difficult people.• Learning to cope with them is worththe effort.• Youll get more done and be lessfrustrated if you do.
Difficult People• Difficult people are no easier to deal with inforums than they are in person.• By "difficult" I dont mean "rude".• Rude people are annoying, but theyre notnecessarily difficult.
Difficult People• For rude people, comment on the rudenessthe first time, and from then on, eitherignore them or treat them the same asanyone else.• If they continue being rude, they willusually make themselves so unpopular as tohave no influence on others in any project,so they are a self-containing problem.
Difficult People• The really difficult cases are people who arenot overtly rude, but who manipulate orabuse the projects processes in a way thatends up costing other people time andenergy, yet do not bring any benefit to theproject.
Difficult People• Such people often look for wedge points inany projects procedures, to give themselvesmore influence than they might otherwisehave.
Difficult People• This is much more insidious than mererudeness, because neither the behavior northe damage it causes is apparent to casualobservers.
Difficult People• A classic example is the filibuster, in whichsomeone (always sounding as reasonable aspossible, of course) keeps claiming that the matterunder discussion is not ready for resolution, andoffers more and more possible solutions, or newviewpoints on old solutions, when what is reallygoing on is that he senses that a consensus or aballot is about to form, and doesnt like where it isprobably headed.
Difficult People• Another example is when theres a debatethat wont converge on consensus, but thegroup tries to at least clarify the points ofdisagreement and produce a summary foreveryone to refer to from then on.
Difficult People• The obstructionist, who knows thesummary may lead to a result he doesntlike, will often try to delay even thesummary, by relentlessly complicating thequestion of what should be in it, either byobjecting to reasonable suggestions or byintroducing unexpected new items.
Handling Difficult People• To counteract such behavior, it helps tounderstand the mentality of those whoengage in it.• People generally do not do it consciously.
Handling Difficult People• No one wakes up in the morning and says tohimself: "Today Im going to cynicallymanipulate procedural forms in order to bean irritating obstructionist." Instead, suchactions are often preceded by a semi-paranoid feeling of being shut out of groupinteractions and decisions.
Handling Difficult People• The person feels he is not being takenseriously, or (in the more severe cases) thatthere is almost a conspiracy against him—that the other project members havedecided to form an exclusive club, of whichhe is not a member.
Handling Difficult People• This then justifies, in his mind, taking rulesliterally and engaging in a formalmanipulation of the projects procedures, inorder to make everyone else take himseriously.• In extreme cases, the person can evenbelieve that he is fighting a lonely battle tosave the project from itself.
Handling Difficult People• It is the nature of such an attack fromwithin that not everyone will notice it at thesame time, and some people may not see itat all unless presented with very strongevidence.
Handling Difficult People• This means that neutralizing it can be quitea bit of work.• Its not enough to persuade yourself that itshappening; you have to marshal enoughevidence to persuade others too, and thenyou have to distribute that evidence in athoughtful way.
Handling Difficult People• Given that its so much work to fight, itsoften better just to tolerate it for a while.• Think of it like a parasitic but mild disease:if its not too debilitating, the project canafford to remain infected, and medicinemight have harmful side effects.
Handling Difficult People• However, if it gets too damaging to tolerate,then its time for action. Start gatheringnotes on the patterns you see. Make sure toinclude references to public archives—thisis one of the reasons the project keepsrecords, so you might as well use them.
Handling Difficult People• Once youve got a good case built, start havingprivate conversations with other projectparticipants.• Dont tell them what youve observed; instead,first ask them what theyve observed.• This may be your last chance to get unfilteredfeedback about how others see the troublemakersbehavior; once you start openly talking about it,opinion will become polarized and no one will beable to remember what he formerly thought aboutthe matter.
Handling Difficult People• If private discussions indicate that at least someothers see the problem too, then its time to dosomething.• Thats when you have to get really cautious,because its very easy for this sort of person to tryto make it appear as though youre picking onthem unfairly.
Handling Difficult People• Whatever you do, never accuse them ofmaliciously abusing the projects procedures, ofbeing paranoid, or, in general, of any of the otherthings that you suspect are probably true.
Handling Difficult People• Your strategy should be to look both morereasonable and more concerned with the overallwelfare of the project, with the goal of eitherreforming the persons behavior, or getting themto go away permanently.
Handling Difficult People• Depending on the other colleges , and yourrelationship with them, it may be advantageous togather allies privately first.• Or it may not; that might just create ill will behindthe scenes, if people think youre engaging in animproper whispering campaign.
Handling Difficult People• Remember that although the other person may bethe one behaving destructively, you will be the onewho appears destructive if you make a publiccharge that you cant back up.• Be sure to have plenty of examples to demonstratewhat youre saying, and say it as gently as possiblewhile still being direct.• You may not persuade the person in question, butthats okay as long as you persuade everyone else.
Difficult People• In every work situation personality conflictsarise.• This isnt limited to the typical officeenvironment; anywhere a group of people isexpected to work together, there is always achance that one or more difficultpersonalities will be part of the group.
Difficult People• We all have moments when we react in ahostile manner, are indecisive or feelunwilling to be flexible on an issue, butpeople who are difficult by nature areconsistently troublesome to deal with. Theonly way to cope with their impossiblebehavior is to learn how to minimize theirnegative impact in most situations.
Difficult People• Difficult people have learned that theirupsetting behavior keeps others off balanceand incapable of effective action.
Difficult People• If we respond by passive acceptance of theirbehavior, the problem continues becausethe difficult person has been given a signalthat their tactics work.• However, when we respond in ways theydon‘t expect, we have taken some of thecontrol away from them and empoweredourselves.
A Few Common Types OfDifficult People• These people try to bully and overwhelm bybombarding others like a tank, or makingcutting remarks like a verbal sniper.
A Few Common Types OfDifficult People• Complainers gripe incessantly but never tryto do anything about their complaints,either because they feel powerless, orbecause they refuse to bear anyresponsibility.• When a project is proposed the negativistsare bound to object with "It wont work" or"Its impossible." They are always ready topop others balloons.
Coping Strategies For Hostile-Aggressives• The bully who rolls over people like a tankhas a strong need to prove that their view ofthe world is always right.• These human tanks value aggressivenessand confidence, and tend to devalue personsthey believe lack these qualities.• Unfortunately, demeaning others is one wayto create a sense of self-importance andsuperiority.
Coping Strategies For Hostile-Aggressives• Coping with bullies requires that you standup for yourself.• Give the hostile person time to run down byletting them rage for a short while.
Coping Strategies For Hostile-Aggressives• Remain in place; look directly at them andwait to jump in when the hostile personsaggression loses some momentum.• Dont worry about being polite.• If you are interrupted, then say, "Youinterrupted me!" If the tank doesnt stop,say it again.
Coping Strategies For Hostile-Aggressives• It often helps to take verbal control bysaying the persons name clearly and loudly.• Body language is important too.
Coping Strategies For Hostile-Aggressives• Rise deliberately from your seat.• Conversely, try to get them to sit down;most people behave less aggressively whenseated.
Coping Strategies For Hostile-Aggressives• Speak from your own point of view, "In myopinion, its a good idea…", "I disagreewith you…".• While standing your ground, it is importantnot to escalate the conflict.• Hostile people are unlikely to back down, soforcing your views on them will not work.
Coping Strategies For Hostile-Aggressives• If instead of a tank, it is a sniper you haveon your hands, then the coping tactics vary.• Snipers take shots at you, or others aroundyou, verbally.• They indulge in innuendoes, not-too-subtledigs and non-playful teasing.• Most people feel completely pinned down bya sniper.
Coping Strategies For Hostile-Aggressives• Snipers have a "superiority" complex thatmakes it difficult for them to see thingsfrom others perspectives.• They crave having control of a situation.
Coping Strategies For Hostile-Aggressives• In dealing with a sniper, surface the attackby saying something such as, "Thatsounded like a dig, did you mean it thatway?"• If the sniper strikes in front of others,during a meeting for example, strop andaddress the attack.
Coping Strategies For Hostile-Aggressives• Phrase your response as a question whichgives the sniper an alternative to fighting.• If you are a third party who witnesses asniper attack, be wary of intervening.• Remember that a common fate ofpeacemakers is often to be scorned by bothparties.
Coping With Complainers• Complainers find fault with everything andhave their accusatory style down soperfectly that they turn the tables on people,putting them immediately on the defensive.
Coping With Complainers• There are also complainers who specializein complaining to one person about anotherperson who is not present to defendthemselves.• Complaining is the behavior of people whofeel powerless, want change but wont riskanything themselves.• They want to remain blameless in allsituations
Coping With Complainers• The way to cope with a complainer is toinsist that a problem solving perspective betaken toward their complaints.
Coping With Complainers• Listen attentively so the complainer can letoff steam and then paraphrase their mainpoints.
Coping With Complainers• Dont allow works line never and always togo unnoticed; require specific examples andtime frames.• Acknowledge what you are hearing but becareful not to agree.
Coping With Complainers• Agreement may confirm that you areresponsible.
Coping With Complainers• Ask the complainer for specific problemsolving suggestions; if appropriate, getcomplaints and suggestions in writing.
Coping With Complainers• If the complainer is accusing someone otherthan yourself, then ask the complainer ifthey have addressed the third-party. "Canwe have a meeting with Roger and try towork things out?"• The complainer needs to see how the veryact of complaining will lead to directinvolvement they want to avoid.
Coping With Negativists• Negativists find fault with everything andare eternal doomsayers.• They have a big impact on work groups.• Negativists have a deep-seated convictionthat any task not in their own hands willfail.
Coping With Negativists• We all are vulnerable to discouragementand the chronically negative person islooking for confirmation that things areindeed hopeless.• State your own realistic optimism.
Coping With Negativists• There are always alternatives and options.• Dont try to persuade the negativist to see abrighter side to things.
Coping With Negativists• Question the worst thing that could happenin a given situation.• Usually the worst case scenario isnt the endof the world.
Coping With Negativists• The goal when coping with difficult peopleis to negate their controlling behaviors sothat you can get on with your own business.• Only when their destructive behaviors failto work will difficult people have anincentive to change.
Perspective:• A persons core values that direct theiroutlook on life.
Primary Reactive Center:• The way people react first to situations andissues in a lifetime.• The Centers used are:– Emotional,– Intellectual,– Moving.
Goal:• The primary motivator for a lifetime.• The Seven Goals are:– Discrimination,– Acceptance,– Re-Evaluation (or Abbreviation),– Growth,– Submission,– Dominance,– Relaxation.
Attitude:• The primary viewpoint for a lifetime.• The Seven Attitudes are:– Skeptic,– Idealist,– Stoic,– Spiritualist,– Cynic,– Realist,– Pragmatist.
Mode:• The primary way issues are addressed in alifetime.• The Seven Modes are:– Caution,– Power,– Reserve,– Passion,– Perseverance,– Aggression,– Observation.
Personality Dragons:• The part of us that provides challenges to overcomein achieving our goals.• The Seven Personality Dragons are :– Self-Destruction,– Greed,– Self-Deprecation,– Arrogance,– Martyrdom,– Impatience,– Stubbornness.• Many of us have two Dragons, just to make lifemore interesting.
The Nine Basic Needs:• We each have three of the nine needs that are very high onour priority list.• The nine needs are:– Security,– Adventure,– Freedom,– Exchange,– Power,– Expansion,– Acceptance,– Communion,– Expression.• It is up to us to recognize our needs and find ways to fulfillthem.
Other Influences:• Each individual person is also affected by:• Secondary Role Influences (the flavor of oneor two other Role traits beyond the primaryRole),• Body Type (i.e., tall, short, thin, heavy-set,delicate, sturdy, athletic, plain, beautiful),
Other Influences:• Family History (the type of "imprinting" and"expectations" that derive from our Parents andFamily of Origin),• Individual Life History (what experiences youvehad), and• Individual Life Goals and Interests.• The combination of the layers and unique traitsmake each human being a completely uniqueperson with a completely unique personality.
Remember:• In spite of our a tendency to attach "labels"to personality traits, each person isindividual and unique!• Mere words cannot adequately describethat individual uniqueness.